Just a quick burst of words and photographic evidence that I am still on the right side of the dirt. It's been another one of those weeks where ailments are doubling up on me and I don't want to bore you with the details. Other than, I would like to poop sometime in my lifetime. And the green slime that has taken up residence in my head can leave anytime it wants. So basically... I have the usual ills plus constipation of nose and rear end. I'm fun to be around, trust me.
Tomorrow is another baby checkup. This one will also have an ultrasound so we'll be able to get another peek at Taush-tin's little strawberry. Or kumquat. Or whatever produce it is this week. I'm immersing my self in baby blogs, baby stores, watching an unnatural disturbing number of childbirths on youtube. The deal I have with Tasha is that I will only be where she is completely comfortable with me being and I will do my best to be anywhere she needs me to be. Those are my Granny Vows, "I'll do the best I can to be as supportive as I can be, any and every time I'm needed".
Austin was complaining about me and Tasha working out a plan for tomorrow's doctor visit without really including him in the process. I told him - as plain as I could without being mean - because Tasha is carrying MY grandchild, I now have a relationship with Tasha that doesn't require him to be a go-between. She and I can (and will) communicate about the well-being of my grandchild and my grandchild's mama. I am a part of the equation. And if I have nothing in the way of material goods to offer this precious one, I will dig deep and work hard to PRESENT in whatever capacity works for Taush-tin.
I also had a heart to heart with Austin about him pulling away from Tasha because of the heated words they've had over the past few weeks. I said, "I stuck with your dad through 14 years of marriage because it was so important to me for you guys to have a dad and I knew that without me in the background their dad was going to have to hit rock bottom before he became a presence in their life. Ain't none of us got perfect parents but I want my grandchild to have two parents giving it an honest effort to create a peaceful world for him to grow up in.
I've learned over the past few years of dealing with this whole back problem and disability that there are a precious few who will stick with you throw years of uncertainty, put up with your sorry/broke self, want to come over and hang out without because it's hard to get out. I've done a lot of withdrawing over the last three years and there are times I look around and realize how insulated I've made myself. The thing is... the battle to continue to have a will to live when you know every day will hurt... you wont be able to do what you want to do, go where you want to go, have money for anything you want or need. That battle to survive the physical pain leaves me no reserves for dealing with any emotional drama. So I have just pulled back from almost all human interaction. I don't invite people to come see me because I'm boring and I don't want to be hurt if they turn down the invite. And even when people are here visiting I just feel like I can't connect. My life is about surviving the night... then surviving the day... all the while trying to avoid anything that would be discouraging or hurtful and all that because... I just need to only deal with what I can't escape, the pain.
Anyways... so the relationships that I nurture and pay attention to, they're ones that are of extreme importance to me. My nieces. My sons. My parents. And my grandchild/ren and their mamas. Doctor visits are painful for me physically but this baby - and this baby's mama - want me there and so I will be. They matter most.
So. All of that. Aren't you glad I quit blogging every day? How much of this will people read before they decide... "nah... I'm tired of her pity party."? But there are good things and I wanted to show you a few from this week:
Unedited, unfiltered me at the end of the day. Low on the glam, off the charts fatigue but... I'm still here!
Love and hugs to all of you!