Tightening the Corset ... Again

friday.friday.friday.friday.

2012-02-03T05:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I started out the day completely exhausted and accomplished FAR more than I would have dreamed possible.
I wrote my blog...
Got ready for work...
Got Austin up...
Reminded him to take the trash up the hill...
Stopped by to pay the rent...
Took Austin to Yonah Burger for a chicken biscuit...
Took Austin to school...
Had a really awesome prayer time on my way to work...
Went to Walmart to buy Austin some jeans because he has all of a sudden gotten tired of his typical wardrobe of pj pants and none of his jeans fit him anymore.
Went to work...
Got my oil changed on my lunch hour...
Went to the dollar store to buy sunglasses because Austin sat on mine and broke them...
Got Subway for lunch...
Had a car picnic and listened to Rush Limbaugh for a few minutes...
Talked to my oldest kid...
Went back to work...
Got stuck on the phone at closing time with a client...
Made it home before dark...
Fed the cats....
Made sure Austin's jeans fit...
Made sure he had clean clothes for his retreat this weekend...
Cooked dinner...
Watched a little tv...
And not long after that... zzzzzzzzz.
Actually... I went to sleep sometime between 8 and 9pm.
Little Kitty tried to wake me up at three...
I managed to stay in bed until almost 5.
And this morning... I'm starting the day completely exhausted.
But it's Friday.
Austin is going to Disciple Now weekend with the youth group at church. He hadn't wanted to go until Wednesday night. I'm glad he's going. In the life of a teenager there's a constant battle between good and evil and I'm always glad when good wins.
He's really excited about going.
I'm excited about having two days off.
Love my weekends.
My belly hurts today.
My back is a mess.
The cat litter needs to be changed.
I'm sick of all the Valentines Day commercials on tv.
I'm about as engaged in the whole process of Valentine's Day as I am in Rosh Hoshannah. Or Ramadin. However you spell those two holidays.
It's Friday, y'all.

Thankful Thursday - Groundhog Day - Confession Obsession

2012-02-02T05:53:00.001-05:00

It's Groundhog Day which has (thank you Bill Murray) become a euphemism for doing the same thing over and over and over... so it's a good time for me to talk about my Confession Obsession.

^{Psalm 38}
^'17 For I am about to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.
¹⁸ I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.

Do you find yourself telling God OVER and OVER again what a horrible person you are? I find myself in prayer giving a disclaimer to God (you know, the Creator of the Universe who is all knowing and all seeing) and I feel the need to let him know once again what a sinner I've been over the years. You know, because we can't get to the business of what I really need to do in prayer - building a relationship with God by listening to His voice, intercessory prayer for others, and so on - until I remind Him just how unworthy I am. Which flies in the face of THIS

1 John 1:9

New International Version (NIV)

⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Yesterday... I was giving God a basic outline of my prayer concerns for the day and reminding Him of the different *issues* that I routinely face and asking Him to fix those people who make my journey more difficult than I think it should be.... which is quite contrary to Romans 14...

¹⁰ You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister^[a]? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat.

and

¹³ Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.

I didn't exactly go to those verses immediately but I remembered something I had heard about not being an accuser of the brethren. And I thought... "I need to stop giving God my advice about His children and how He needs to "parent" them"... the sins in others that are making my life unpleasant. I surely don't appreciate outside commentary on how to raise MY kids... My focus in prayer about others needs to be about their needs, not their faults.

But later... as I was once again giving God a disclaimer on what a rotten person I am... the thought occurred to me that I'm also a child of God... fearfully and wonderfully made... covered by Grace... and clouding my prayers with Confession Obsession out of fear that I have forgotten to bring something up before... out of a sense of disbelief that I am worthy.... not that I don't believe that my sins were paid for at the Cross... but out of my character flaw of needing to control everything, not really relinquishing the guilt... for sins that have long since been forgiven.

I'm losing precious time alone with God by failing to appreciate the progression of our relationship... He wants me to move forward in faith in the afterglow of the grace that has been poured out on my life. I keep wanting to take us back to revisit what a rotten person I am was.

I've had a heavy cloak of fatigue weighing me down this week. I'm getting up and doing the things I need to do every day but it's not easy.

Yesterday, though, I had what I consider a Divine Appointment...
a lady who is a newly single mom raising a child who is very much like Austin...
hers is five years old and she is weary
and my eyes filled with tears listening to her describe the struggles...
I finished a lot of her sentences for her,
in that way that people who have known each other a long time sometimes do...
not because I had ever met her before in my life
but because I have lived the life she is living
and I was uniquely gifted to be able to empathize with her and give her some direction...
based on the fact that she is traveling a road that I have been on for nearly 18 years.

And later, as I was driving home,
I thought about how close I had come to giving up on my job
because the pain is too great
and the struggle too hard
and the rewards so few
and the shame so great
that I am not who I used to be physically,
I don't have the strength I once had
and I carry so much guilt about not carrying my weight...
but what if I wasn't there for THAT lady?
Not that I solved all of her problems
but oh...
how precious it would have been to me
to have had someone tell me 13 years ago that it was going to be alright
and yes, we would struggle
but he would make it through school,
that we would eventually come up with a combination of behavior modifications and medications
that would allow him to succeed
and out of that pain and struggle would come an amazing child...
the best blessing of my life?
What if I had been on the other side of that kind of Divine Appointment?
I didn't have anything to offer her other than the fact that she is not alone in her journey.

And I basked in the glow of the realization that this person (me) that I've been accusing of the same failures over and over again in my Confession Obsession... is a person (still) who can be used of God.
If I
will
just
get
out
of
the
way.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And I am so. thankful.

Whiny Wednesday - healing, putting back together the broken pieces

2012-02-01T06:15:00.003-05:00

I have a great blog entry that I worked on yesterday evening when I was feeling rather philosophical... but first... "this just in"... on Fox News... certain brands of birth control pills are being recalled because they don't contain enough of the pregnancy preventing medication. Talk about a Whiny Wednesday!

I'm feeling poorly today. Worn out. Drained. Dizzy. Weak. In a good bit of pain. Stuffy nose. And so on and so on. I just want to crawl back in bed and stay there. But not really. I'll never wish for that again, trust me.

My recheck with the surgeon yesterday was awesome! "Best outcome we could have expected." Everything healing really well. I don't have to go back unless I start to have problems again or ... until my next colonoscopy in several years. Gotta still keep doing the things I'm doing for Optimum Hiney Health ... which was not something I had ever given any thought to previously... but I'm so relieved to have that painful chapter of my life over. The day I found out I needed surgery, I bawled my eyes out for hours... from fear, uncertainty, etc. I'm just delighted to be on the other end... so to speak... of things.

And not since potty training have I been praised for "doing a good job" cleaning up... there. You've gotta love that.

My back pain has been back with a vengeance this week. I've had some of those old lingering symptoms of not having enough strength to stand up if I've been sitting too long... numbness... the feeling that my vertebrae are collapsing on each other... weakness in my hands... I dropped a tin of altoids in my lap yesterday morning and I dumped a salad out into my console in my car during lunch. I'm not discouraged by these things because I have had a glimmer of hope that the right combination of things CAN make it better. It might not be better at this moment but it CAN be.

A blog that I read – a very popular one, I might add – reached right off the computer screen and grabbed at my heart yesterday. Her husband has walked away from her and her children. Twice I have been there… twice… the one left behind… holding the responsibilities for young lives.... wondering if I would ever be loved again...

Both times I was so desperately shattered.

We all have the mental image of a bride in all her optimistic splendor walking down to join -before God and man -with a man she sees as her “happily ever after” and sometimes, sadly, he’s just not.

I also have a very vivid mental image of a woman alone with whatever is left behind when someone walks away… children to raise… debts to pay… and fear… oh, the fear… that grips her heart. It goes beyond what the human mind can comprehend, a pain so real that people literally recoil from her news, afraid that it could be contagious. So much left uncertain. None of the guarantees you thought you had when you said you would and he said he would and… well, forever sometimes ends up not being as far away as we thought.

I mean. Lives end unexpectedly. Sometimes better or worse ends up far worse than you thought. Sometimes "in sickness and health"... ends up with far more sickness than you had bargained for, not always physical illness. Sometimes it's mental illness. Sometimes it's spiritual illness - the human condition - sin - that creeps in to destroy the foundation of society - the family.

Most of you know the rest of my story, for the most part, that I am a survivor. That although I am at times BROKE, I am never broken. God fit all those shattered pieces back together in my life… at least well enough for me to not only survive, but in many ways to thrive. To know that even as a single mom, by the Grace of God I am enough. To know that when I am weak, He is strong. To know that life. does. go. on. I'm not who I was when I took those first steps toward healing but God has been so good.

As strange as it may sound... my first thought when I see that someone is setting off on a journey like THAT... is ... hold on, this is gonna be better than you EVER imagined.

I pray that whether you're one who is shattered, trying to figure out how to put the pieces back together... or if you're a friend standing by with a broom and a dustpan, ready to help... I pray that God's Word would be as true for you as it has for me. I pray that you will find strength in the most unusual places. I pray that you would bear witness to what an amazing God He is... when we step out of the way and let Him do what He wants to do in you and through you.

Have a wonderful Wednesday, y'all.

Newsday Tuesday

2012-01-31T06:15:00.003-05:00

It's Newsday Tuesday! We made it through another Monday and now it's the day of the week where I share a few current event items from the Nest and Beyond.

If you live in Florida, go vote. I have no idea who you should vote for but my Uncle Bill who is a poll worker in Okeechobee predicts that the race will be announced for Romney about two minutes after polls close.

Did anyone catch the snippet from last night of Romney singing "God Bless America"? Let's just summarize it by saying that he's no Donny and Marie. Not all Mormons can sing, apparently.

Conversely, I thought Obama's version of "Let's Stay Together" was great. In fact... I think he should forget this whole political career and go into the music biz.

My Little Kitty, Trouble, is whiny this morning. He must think it's Wednesday. He wants us to go back to bed. I do too.

But today is a big day for me... my (hopefully) last visit with the surgeon. Nothing like starting your day with an anal exam. (I'll give you all a few seconds to get that image out of your mind). I'm definitely feeling better.

While I was in that horribly rough patch right after the local anesthetic came off and the prescription of narcotics ran out every time I went to the bathroom it was AGONY. You can't even imagine the pain. My friend Pam, God love her, brought me over a squirt bottle that had previously held some hair product that she uses on her curly hair. It was TRASH ... something she was about to throw out... and it has made all the difference in the world for me. One man's trash is truly another man's treasure! I'm still not a fan of toilet paper ...

Which makes me even more aware of how beautifully God works in our lives to meet all of our needs and how He brings people into our lives for a purpose... even if that purpose is making it easier to go to the bathroom. True story. And it shows how easy it is to be a blessing to others. The simplest, smallest effort on your part may make a huge difference for someone else. You just have to be yielded enough to see these opportunities. I'm sure glad that Pam did!

I have another friend from waaay back, Sharon, who is always looking for solutions for the issues I bring up in my blog and a lot of her suggestions are really good. It means a lot that she reads my blog with an eye toward making a difference in my life.

There are a lot of people like that in my life... the ones who email me or message me or perform little acts of kindness toward me... and they add together to a really, enormously blessed life.

My blood pressure remains in what is classified as stage 1 hypertension. The doctor called yesterday and asked if it was still high. Duh. Yeah. I didn't really say "duh" to the doctor, I only wanted to. He asked me to keep a record of it for a week, first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening and then call him back next Monday. I have consistently tracked my blood pressure for the last month and have a half dozen high readings recorded in medical offices ... but... sure... I'll do it for another week to show what I already know. Whatever.

They did finally get Austin's new medicine called in. His toe is healing well, considering that he's a strict flipflop wearer. The meds they had given him to help him sleep was just too strong. So now I have to find time to run to Cleveland to pick up his new prescription. Maybe tomorrow.

And we got child support yesterday! Yay! God is good!

I've started thinking about how I'm going to make up that loss of money in my budget once the child support train derails for good. Ideally... once a child no longer gets child support, they should be relatively self-supporting. Austin is a long way from earning any income. He will go into a vocational rehab program after he graduates but for now, our focus is one hundred percent on getting his diploma. The other day when I mentioned having to pay $50 for his gown, mortarboard and tassel for his graduation and he said, "If I decide to walk in graduation" to which I said, "oh, let me make it clear to you... this is NOT optional". I have worked to hard for this. (Sing out, Louise!) (You have to have seen Gypsy for that to make sense)

Anyways... I've decided to work at being what Austin calls, "Coupon Crazy". One of my co-workers showed me one of the tricks that these mega-savers use and I'm definitely going to explore that whole concept further. I'm not talking about stockpiling enough laundry detergent for an entire village... I'm just talking about looking for savings on products that we typically buy anyways. I think we also need to plant a few tomato plants and do just some very basic gardening. We eat a lot of produce and it makes sense to provide what we can for ourselves. Beyond that... I've got to look into some other ways to earn money that won't translate into me being on my feet. I'm praying on it. Austin's got a green thumb so he could easily do the gardening. We just have to find a sunny spot.

AND ... I almost forgot... Today is my Aunt Ginger's birthday! It's a milestone birthday for her... I won't say which one but Ginger, don't forget that our office sells Medicare Supplement policies! Happy Birthday!

I guess that's all the news for today... hope you all have a great day and remember, if you're in Georgia and you want to compare your insurance rates.... call me... Mama's gotta pay for Austin's graduation gear!

Love and hugs, y'all!

Reasons to have a Pollyanna Monday

2012-01-30T06:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not gonna lie to you... I've got a bad case of the Monday Grumps. I slept great until about 12:30am and from that point on... I saw every hour on the clock. Oh, I dozed in between... but it wasn't that perfect night of comatose sleep that serves me the best.

We didn't get child support this weekend. Would have been nice to go ahead and do a decent grocery run but our pantry is bare. I get paid on Wednesday. I'll be picking stuff up piecemeal throughout the week.

I watched Pollyanna yesterday. I loved the book when I was a child and would check it out of the church library often. Then it was shown on tv and I fell in love. If you've lived under a rock or for some reason haven't been able to watch the movie... basically this young orphan goes to live with her rich aunt and she indoctrinates the towns people about this power of positive thinking device that her father taught her when he was a poor reverend and they subsided on handouts. She calls it the Glad Game. When she becomes paralyzed due to an accident (falling from her third story window in the movie, getting hit by a car in the book) she loses her will to play the Glad Game and the towns folk all crowd into her home to see her off for her surgery to be able to walk again... and remind her of her Glad Game.

(there's a much better summary of the movie here.... )

Anyways... my Reasons to Love Monday are my own little version of the Glad Game because, folks, Mondays are hard for me. Most of the time we have staff meetings so I have to be at work earlier... Austin is usually less cooperative on Monday... etc, etc. However... I am stitched together with prayer. I am sustained in my walk, I have the ability to keep going on only because of the Power of Prayer. So my joy, my RTLM, come exclusively from a desire to find joy in my journey. I hope you will too... find joy in your journey...

1. This is the day that the Lord has made, I will REJOICE and be glad in it. Psalms 118:24
2. Let the Heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad, let them say among the nations, the Lord reigns! 1 Chronicles 16:31
3.But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. Psalm 5:11
4. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High. Psalm 9:2
5. I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. Psalm 31:7
6 But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful. Psalm 68:3
7. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The LORD is great!” Psalm 70:4
8. For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD; I sing for joy at what your hands have done. Psalm 92:4
9. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Psalm 100:2
10. Evildoers are snared by their own sin, but the righteous shout for joy and are glad. Proverbs 29:6

I know y'all kinda zone out when I put too much in the way of scripture in this thing so I'm gonna leave it at those ten. The movie Pollyanna claims that there are over 800 "glad texts" in the Bible and indeed, that could be true. It is noted that anything that God told us over 800 times must be something He wanted us to do. It's hard. I know... Mondays are hard. I'm going to add a few more reasons to love Monday... and maybe you can add a few of your own to the list:

1. If Mondays mean anything... it means that we have jobs, or school, or responsibilities for the week which means that we have a purpose. Thank you God for my purpose in life.
2. If I'm leaving the house, it means I am healthy enough to function. Thank you God for giving me the ability to work.
3. If I can get anywhere, it means that I have transportation. Thank you God for a car that runs, for gas in my car.
4. Thank you God for sustenance... for the oatmeal and coffee that fuel me for my journey today.
5. Austin has a safe ride to school. Thank you God for "Miss Nessa".
6. Austin has continued in school to his senior year and his last semester. Thank you God for his (our) tenacity.
7. Thank you for the clothes we have to wear.
8. Thank you for hot water, soap, shampoo, hair products, makeup... to make us clean and presentable.
9. Thank you God for shoes to wear.
10. Thank you God that we have good health care and are able to have medicines that make us able to do the things we need to do.

Rejoice and be glad. Live a life of gratitude, not attitude. Know that this whole day was pre-ordained for you by God. Nothing that happens today will be a surprise to Him. If you have accepted Him as Savior, also accept Him as Lord. Let Him guide your steps... let Him guide my steps. If you have never accepted Him, if you have lived a life of disbelief, let today be the day... even though it's a Monday... let it be the day that you come to Him, surrender to Him, lay your burden at His feet. God is good.

do Christians give their fair share?

2012-01-29T08:32:00.001-05:00

Do you ever want to run away from the reality of this world? I don't know about previous generations... much... I do read a lot of history and biographical books so I know a little but I've only been alive since 1968 so I don't know as much as my elders.

I just turn on the news and read my favorite news websites and I feel like there is so much wrong with the world today. Things that make perfect sense to me... or are perfect nonsense to me... are in conflict with the majority.

I read a facebook status yesterday that talked about how Christians (in this scenario Right Wing Conservatives) are supposed to care about the poor and instead, block programs that help the poor. Are you KIDDING ME?

Christians provide a huge percentage of care for the poor and disadvantaged. I know in my life it has been the church - fellow Christians - who have stood in the gap for me.

Mitt Romney strongly supports the Mormon Church... giving his tithes and offerings to the tune of about 14% of his income annually.

There is little difference between the Gingrich's and the Obama's... both giving around 2.5% to charity...

For the years before he was anointed Vice President Joe Biden gave an average of $369 a year to charity... roughly .03 % of his income.

Make no mistake... Liberals are all about helping the poor with OTHER PEOPLE's money.

When we talk about giving our "fair share"... apparently that means to the United States Government for them to decide - since we as citizens are incapable of determining who is truly poor and in need of assistance.

That's the function of socialism / communism, whichever we're headed towards... from each according to their means, to each according to their needs. No reward for success or hard work. No stigma for lack of willingness to work.

I've been on public assistance. I never accepted welfare - which goes under the acronym of TANF "temporary assistance to needy families" - but we have been on food stamps (which, by the way, aren't really "stamps" that carry the weight of shame for using them - they are loaded onto a card which looks the same as a debit or credit card and no one really knows that you're using them. Which is why... when people talk about the urban legend of the lady in the fur coat dripping with diamonds buying groceries with Food Stamps -I question the relevance and likelihood of that happening in our current economic climate... but I digress) and we have been on medicaid. Austin is on Peachcare which is the program by the State of Georgia to provide medical assistance to children from lower income families. Again... no real stigma... we get a card that looks like any other insurance card and nobody knows the difference. I pay a monthly premium that is reasonable and the care he receives is good.

I consider my household to be one of the working poor. Although, I read something the other day that said that if you know where your next meal is coming from, you're not really poor. And that's the case. We have never been in a "pantry completely empty" situation. We've been close a lot of times. We've had weeks where we had meals that neither one of us really cared for - cereal or ramen noodles or whatever but we weren't starving. I made a donation to the local food pantry yesterday - we have received help from them in the past and I was glad to be able to give back. But we don't have savings. We live paycheck to paycheck. We struggle and I don't see that improving in the near future.

But I never fear homelessness. I know that my family, friends and church are a safety net for us. I know that we will never sleep under a bridge. We will never be stranded. Hungry. Alone. Not because I trust the U. S. Government to provide for us but because God is good.

I am frustrated with this political race. I'm unable to support Mitt Romney because there's a lot I disagree with about his faith, his attitude, his prior political leanings and activities. I'm unable to support Newt Gingrich because I believe he's a narcissist and an adulterer and you know how I feel about both of those traits. I'm most closely aligned with Rick Santorum but I don't believe he can win against Obama. Ron Paul is this generation's Ross Perot - just an instigator who isn't a serious contender.

I fear the state of our union if we are subjected to another four years of Obama. He has trampled on the Constitution. He has no respect for this country, it's people, it's laws. He is not a patriot. He is at best a socialist and at worst, a communist. (man... I'm going to end up on the no-fly list). I pray that he is not re-elected.

I've faced a lot of unfair situations in my life. Sometimes I haven't gotten what I deserve - in a poor me, nothing ever goes my way perspective. And sometimes, by the grace of God, I haven't gotten what I deserve in a "dodged a bullet" kind of way. There are a lot of things wrong with this world and some of them trickle down to affect me - you - our neighbors - none of us are more than two degrees of separation from someone who is being impacted by the economy. Few of us are enjoying peace and prosperity. You may have one but not the other.

It gets worse, y'all. We were so excited about liberating Egypt... and now Egypt is not allowing any Americans to leave the country. In my lexicon, I consider that being held hostage, although the media isn't reporting it that way.

Who is in charge in Libya? We spent an awful lot of money in a "no boots on the ground" military action there. An action that was never authorized by our elected Representatives... because Obama doesn't feel compelled to honor the system of checks and balances put forth in the Constitution.

We owe a lot of money to China. How long until they demand payment and completely unravel our delicate economy? How much larger will we allow our debt to grow?

Spin the globe, point to a country... there's a crisis either going on or looming...

Gas prices are inching up again. We're not willing to provide our own oil ... allow new pipelines to bring oil into our country... we're giving away millions and billions to developing new sources of energy and nothing is coming to fruition. Iraq is already back in chaos and Iran? Ready to "nuke 'em til they glow"... whether it's the U.S. or Israel or anyone who opposes them.

I don't have an answer and I don't mean to be gloom and doom. The blood pressure is still high, 149/94 just now and I'm resting... and have been other than the hour or so it took me yesterday to run some errands. I have restricted my housekeeping to cleaning out the fridge this weekend. (no big sacrifice there!) I probably shouldn't dwell on these issues but... in a way... I feel like we have to be awake and aware and watchful of what's going on. It's frustrating. It's frightening. I'll end with this... I think it's our only hope as a nation...

If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and SEEK MY FACE and TURN FROM THEIR wicked ways... then will I hear from Heaven and heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14.

I love Saturday so much that I got up early!

2012-01-28T04:20:00.001-05:00

Up at 3am thanks to a kitty who *HAD* to get petted and kept tapping me on the face.
I might go back down for a nap. Maybe. I went to sleep crazy early last night. Just crashed and burned. It was a long day.
I'm craving mashed potatoes. Random but true.
Someone I dearly love is going through a very dark time. My way of cheering them up: I talked about farting.
Maybe it's the result of being an only girl with four brothers... and then a mom to three boys... I just think there's nothing that can't be cured with a poot. Or a description of a poot.
Austin really, truly, honestly cleaned his room yesterday.
He semi, halfway, sorta cleaned the kitchen.
I am grateful for both. My forks have been found. I now have about two dozen forks in my drawer. For a time I had a fork hidden in my sock drawer because every time I would get ready to eat, I wouldn't be able to find a fork.
I found a great huge (about the size of a softball) fake diamond ring for the tree topper on my Valentines day tree.
I haven't gotten any comments on my blog this week. *sadface* I get a few on my link on facebook and that's nice. I love feedback. Who are we kidding? I love affirmation. Praise. Attention. Ha!
Little Kitty loves attention too. That's why I'm up. He still keeps trying to sit on the keyboard. If I read a book... he tries to nonchalantly lay across it. If I'm in the bathroom... he perches on the tub to supervise. If I'm in the bathtub... he whines. He worries about me being in water. If I'm in the shower... he watches. If I put on makeup, he cries. If I put on pantyhose, he tries to get in between me and the pantyhose... he knows it means I'm leaving. Every day when I pull into the driveway he's watching in the window and runs to greet me. He's a great companion. And he's skittish enough that he never tries to run out. Except that one time. Other than that... he runs in the opposite direction if the door is open.
I've been meditating on a particular verse since yesterday. You know how you memorize verses and hear them time and time again and then all of a sudden you think, "whoa... what does that mean?" And for me, right now, that verse is Psalm 23:5, "you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies, you anoint my head with oil, my cup runs over" (Heather version which is a blend of the KJV that we learned in Vacation Bible School and the NIV that I've been studying for the past twenty years)
I've been reading commentary on that verse and I'll share some of my thoughts in a separate entry. If you have any thoughts on it... I'd love to hear them. It's sort of the same fascination that I had with the concept of being fearfully and wonderfully made. Why the fearful? And here... why am I eating in front of my enemies?
At any rate. I made it through another week and I don't take that achievement lightly. There was pain, especially toward the end of the day yesterday and Thursday, but it has been better.
My blood pressure this morning is 138/88. I put in a call to my doctor on Thursday morning and haven't heard back about any changes to my bp meds. They called back about Austin's meds that needed to be adjusted and maybe... because I called about two things at the same time... it confused them. I know that's a borderline blood pressure - sort of pre-hypertension - but I just got out of bed in the past hour... I had a good night's sleep... I had a low sodium dinner... I took my bp meds about 10 hours ago... so it should be lower, I think.
My goals for today are to get laundry put away... pick up a few groceries... go to the library... and that's it.
I love Saturday.

friday...

2012-01-27T06:26:00.000-05:00

Remember the guy, Epstein, on Welcome Back Kotter who always had faked notes from his mom? He died. Gone from a heart attack.

I'm aggravated by the outrage over Paula Deen not announcing her diabetes when she was diagnosed. That's her business. If she's ready now... and if she wants to endorse a drug that is working for her... that's her business too.

I'm shaking my head over Demi Moore. I think she and Ashton were involved in that Kabbalah religion that is sort of a mystic Jewish hybrid. It seems like the breakup with Ashton has been rough on her. I wish she had a faith that would sustain her instead of having to abuse her body.

It makes me sad when people grieve without hope. I have been there. I allowed someone to manipulate me to the extent that I felt alone in the world. That's the thing... it doesn't matter how famous you are or how much money you have... your heart can be broken, your health can fail... everybody needs the hope that someone cares, that things will get better...

A customer who was struggling with paying her bill made the statement to me this week, "I give up" and I told her that was not an option. You have to frame everything in the context of "will this still matter five years from now?" and most of the time, that big hairy monster you're facing will be a tiny dot in your memory once you get a little time, distance and wisdom added to the situation. It might even turn out to be a teachable moment... a transformational situation... something that allows you to evolve to the person you were destined to be.

I was woke up by a headache during the night. It's a really intense, crushing pain in my left temple. Makes me wanna push against it to counter the pain. It's bad enough that I was dreaming that I had a headache... it broke through into my subconscious. I'll take a few advil and soldier on. I've lived with worse.

My blood pressure this morning is 122/81 so I don't think the headache is related to blood pressure. But we have had a weird weather system come through so that could be it. Sinuses. Who knows? Just pray that it goes away.

Trouble has gotten into the habit of sleeping beside me... like a human... head on the pillow, body stretched out... sometimes even on his back... under the covers. He waits until I'm sound asleep before he sneaks in beside me... it's the cutest thing. He even snores sometimes.

My dad's devotional this morning, Oswald Chambers' devotional this morning, and a bible verse twitter account that I follow all have the same basic theme this morning about relying on God. Matthew 6 - is the reference from Pop and Mr Chambers, if you want to go there. The twitter account is using the same theme from the book of Phillipians. I know sometimes its hard to know where to start in Bible study. This is a great "admonition" and I love when all roads point the same way. That's great confirmation for me that God weaves a beautiful tapestry for us... different threads that come together in a unique way on the same day. I'm alert to those lessons.

I've spent longer on this blog than usual this morning. The pain in my brain is slowing me down a bit. Better publish this thing and get ready for work since I'm moving slow. Eleven short hours and I'll be on the way home. Yay! We made it through another week, y'all! God is good!

Thankful Thursday - my most recent dr appt

2012-01-26T06:52:00.001-05:00

Have you ever REALLY physically gotten on your knees before God? I decided to try it yesterday. I just had such a heavy heart about an issue that has been bothering me... I bent in complete submission to Him. I'm not gonna lie... it hurt... it's not like I have one of those handy dandy Catholic kneeling benches... it was just me on the carpet completely yielded and focused on Him. For a few minutes.

And the result? It was like a veil was lifted that allowed me to see some things that were really important for me to know. I had to resist the temptation to be smug, knowing that God had once again, shown favor to me in a long range, kingdom building kind of way. I'm sorry if that's generic and not terribly descriptive but the focus isn't so much on what He showed me but how important it is to really yield to God. You may be able to yield from your recliner... or when you're driving... and I do have beautiful encounters with God in those situations but this, for me, was what I needed to do.

Austin's ingrown toenail that was removed is still causing him pain. Uncle Bubba had to check him out of school yesterday. So thankful that Bubba was able and willing because it was near about impossible for me to leave work.. .since I was leaving to go to the pain doctor anyways.

My visit to the pain doctor was good. Because I had that brief time with very little back pain after almost a full year of constant, unrelenting pain... it gives the doctor an idea of what the magic potion is for me in pain management. It involved rest.. a lot of it... not being in the position that I'm in 8-9 hours a day, specifically. It involved the tens unit (which helps a lot with muscle spasms). And this new medicine that I started in December that is the slow release version of neurontin. A lot of people can't take it... it works for me... but it gives me a little bit of disconnect so I can't take it during the work day. The slow release version keeps a little of that medicine in my system during the work day without the side effects... or, I should say, minimal side effects. I do have a little bit of daytime fatigue but I have that anyways.

The most important thing they found was that my pain is because of a problem with the gaba-receptors in the brain verses serotonin receptors. The serotonin meds that they kept giving me never worked. I've got to do more research on this... but I found this really interesting.

The only real downer was that my blood pressure is still high. 146/96. I doubled my blood pressure medicine ...the doctor had prescribed a higher dose but as long as the blood pressure was under control, I could take half... so since my blood pressure when I take it at home has been high lately, I've been taking the whole thing. And the whole thing isn't doing the job. So I've got to get back in touch with my regular doctor and see if they want to try something different. My blood pressure follow up isn't until mid February.

AND NOW... it's Thankful Thursday...

1. I'm thankful for what I'm learning thru this current trial in my life... and how the trials that have come before have matured me in Christ and become my testimony. I know that if anything happens to me on this earth, my daddy has my back because he has always shown that he is there for me. My Heavenly Daddy has shown me the same consideration. He takes very good care of us.

2. I'm thankful for a renewed hunger for studying the Word. I'm thankful for what I'm learning in that study. I'm thankful that God's word is living... there are times that verses impact my life in one way but when I go back ten years later, I see an enhanced meaning. Not different, necessarily, but the context in my life has changed.

3. I'm thankful for my Valentine's day tree. It makes me grin every time I see it.

4. I'm thankful for the library. I have really enjoyed reading this week. I'm a book worm by nature but I had gotten so involved in the facebook games that they had consumed every waking/not working minute. I'm glad for the time to read. You know... even if you're reading fiction... if you're in the right kind of book, you can learn life lessons or find quotes to encourage and strengthen you.

5. I'm thankful that although my earthly body is not as strong as it once was... my spirit is way stronger than it's ever been.

6. I'm thankful that Austin got to see his daddy and brother Cody yesterday while they were on a job here in White County. It meant a lot to him that they came to see him... so much that my embarrassment on how messy the house is and the fact that the litter box needed to be changed pales in comparison to how pleased I am that he felt connected to his daddy. That's good stuff. I want my kids to have a good relationship with their father. (see point number one)

7. I'm thankful that the week that loomed long and daunting on Monday morning is winding down. Not to wish my life away... but I'm grateful for everything that I have been able to do this week.

8. I'm thankful that the pain doctor gave me three months worth of samples for the magic pill that is working so well for me. I knew it was expensive and I was going to struggle to pay for it. They promised to keep me in samples as long as they had them. HUGE blessing! Especially after having to pay 100% of the cost of this visit since I haven't met my deductible yet.

9. I'm thankful that my friend Natalie's book is being published. I'll give you more info and a link when it comes out, probably late summer. I know that it's going to really touch people and I'm so excited to read it and will probably give away a few copies.

Hope you all have a great day and that you'll take a few minutes to reflect on the blessings in your life...
*hugs*

whiny wednesday- bloom where you are planted

2012-01-25T06:24:00.001-05:00

I didn't watch the State of the Union address. I have no confidence in anything our president has to say. I'm weary of the class envy. I'm weary of the Robin Hood mentality. I'm tired of new programs that cost more money.

Does anyone realize that the rich people who are paying 15% are paying that amount on capital gains, not on earned income? In other words... Mr. One Percent makes a salary of $500,000 in 2010 and pays the normal ridiculous tax rate on that money. He wisely invests his money and earns x number of dollars in interest. He has ALREADY paid taxes on that money... but he has to pay taxes again on what he earns from what he earned. If the federal government taxed every dime that every one percenter earned... it wouldn't take care of our deficit. I have to budget based on my realistic potential earnings. So should we as a country.

I had an amazing experience yesterday at work. The whole day wasn't amazing but I prayed my usual prayer that God would bless our agency, profit our agency, make us light and salt in our community and I prayed that God would allow me to be a blessing to someone. My first call for the day was an elderly man who shared something that God had done in his life that led to the purchase of a new car... (after reviewing his coverage and offering State Farm Bank for his vehicle financing) I shared with him something that God had done in my life and we totally bonded as Christians. We shared with each other for a few minutes and he thanked me for encouraging him and I thanked him for the encouragement he gave me! Later in the day he came in to complete his transaction. I was tied up when he first came in and a co-worker (who just happened to be a fellow church member of his) helped him. Before he left, he and his wife wanted to meet me so my co-worker brought him back to see me.

Here's what this experience showed me: no matter the position of my body in the office, it's the position of my heart that either draws people to me or turns people away. I have felt so much discouragement because of my physical disability... No matter how far I can walk, no matter whether or not I'm strong enough to be at work every day. No matter what other people may say about me behind my back ... I have an opportunity every day to be a blessing to someone.

Bloom where you are planted. That's my motto for this year.

Reading in the book of James for my Beth Moore study has reminded me that there is no shame in "humble circumstances". In fact, I know that God has turned every crisis in my life into triumph. Even as I see evidence of losing favor with man, I continually find favor with God. Rich, everlasting, eternal connections that matter far more than any success on earth are placed in front of me on my path like treasures waiting to be discovered... like an Easter egg hunt... it's nothing short of supernatural... but I can only see those treasures when I take my eyes off of myself and adjust my vision to seeing things that God points out.

It's as if some people are destined to be successful on this earth and that is how they draw others to Christ - people such as Truett Cathy, founder of Chickfila. And others find humble circumstances on this earth and by achieving triumph over those circumstances... or living with grace through those circumstances... they provide an example or encouragement to others. This is why the whole class envy - "99 percenter" thing really gets under my skin. I would never have the kind of appreciation for what God could do if I hadn't had a need in my life. Needs. Plural.

Anyways... it's Whiny Wednesday... and that's my complaint, I guess, that we miss the blessing of being who we are, where we are, why we are there and instead allow ourselves to feel ... wait, let me personalize this instead of being general... I allow human perspective to color my perception of who I am and forget that all things work together for good... that no weapon formed against me can prosper... that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that every day of my life was known to God before it ever came to be. God knew that my marriages would fail. He knew that I would struggle financially. He knew that we would go through a fire... that my physical body would become weaker and He prepared a way for me through and in spite of all of that.

I cried on the way home from work yesterday... part exhaustion, part pain, part discouragement. Circumstances have not been kind to me and in my flesh, that hurts. Any discouragement I take upon myself is a failure to recognize God's hand in my life and a failure to bloom where I am planted. I have to keep the perspective that it's not about me... it's about what I can do with what is done to me. Lord, let me be a blessing to someone today.

Have to check in with the pain doctor again today. That's what's on the big agenda for today. I'm sure there will be no big changes with this visit. Just have to validate the use of the tens unit for the insurance. It's a long drive... but I'm sure it will be a good time for adjusting my vision.

Love and hugs, y'all!

Austin's bum toe

2012-01-24T06:44:00.002-05:00

What a Monday we had! I have been putting off taking Austin to the doctor because 1) he hates to deal with that sort of thing and 2) I was missing so much work due to my own issues, it was hard to justify taking more time off of work. Except... the kid had an ingrown toenail that was oozing and swollen ... obviously infected. I have suffered from ingrown toenails from about his age... until the time that the podiatrist finally removed my two big toenails for good. So I made him an appointment for the latest they had available - which felt like a great idea until I realized that regardless of what time his appointment was... I was going to have to get him from school by 2:40 (their check out deadline) or otherwise I wouldn't be able to pick him up until 3:30 - the time of his appointment.

So I leave work in time to meet the ridiculous check out deadline at the high school ... drive like a crazy woman to make sure I get there in time... sign in at the window of the office (they won't actually allow you IN the office) and waited. and waited. I asked the little aide who was sitting in the window texting if they had called Austin yet and he said, "she's busy with something else", meaning the secretary. Do what? I said, "then kindly tell me what room he is in and I will go and get him myself". Seriously. I thanked God again that we are almost finished with the absurdity of public schools. Rather than having me go wandering through the halls, they found time to call Austin. We have to check him out by a certain time but they can take fifteen minutes before they bother to call him? Ugh.

Of course... this sort of messed up our plans. Since I had to pick him up an hour before his appointment, our itinerary allowed us *just enough time* to have a nice lunch in town. The fifteen minutes I burned waiting for them to call Austin put us in a position where there wasn't really enough time for a sit down lunch... so we drove through McDonalds... both of us were starving since we had both skipped lunch anticipating going out for a decent meal... we got gas... and went on to the doctors office.

Where we had to wait. And wait. And wait. Some woman wandered in without an appointment and asked to speak to the doctor, thinking about changing to this practice. I appreciate the fact that she wanted to meet with the doctor before she made her decision. I disagree with allowing her to walk in without an appointment. This got things behind schedule. Then... because what Austin needed done was going to take longer (apparently) than what other people needed done... they saw everyone else who was there for the afternoon before they saw him... so we spent a full two hours at the doctors...

His toe was (as I suspected) badly infected. They removed half of the toenail and put him on an antibiotic. They also gave him a prescription for his stuffy nose and something to help with his trouble falling asleep. It was definitely a needed trip, even though it was a long process.

Then the check out girl had an issue with the way the intake girl had processed Austin's insurance and that was a big hairy hassle ... while the poor kid was standing there with the feeling rushing back into his foot and his toe throbbing. Then we had to go pick up prescriptions which took for-blooming- ever.

It was a rough day for my back. Cold, damp rain... my osteoarthritis was flared up like crazy... by the time it was time to leave the doctors office I had trouble standing up. I waited at the pharmacy standing up because I couldn't stand the thought of sitting again and honestly wasn't sure if I sat in their hard chairs if I was going to be able to get back up again... got home... heated up some leftovers... read for a little while and went to bed.

The frustrating thing was that my day was so jam packed that I didn't have time to put into bible study and that has really been my source of strength this year. On top of that... when we cleaned out the car on Saturday... Austin took my bible and my Beth Moore study book out of the car. I would have been able to put that study to great use while i was waiting at the doctors office instead of reading "Welcome to White County" and Vanity Fair and old issues of Sports Illustrated.

And the hardest thing for me was that it was the first time ever that he has gone back by himself at the doctors office. I'm usually hovering, making sure that he is able to properly articulate and explain what is wrong with him. He wanted to go alone. I gave him a list of things to discuss... and based on the prescriptions he was given, it looks like he discussed all of those things. It's hard cutting those apron strings, but I'm trying. He did fine without me.

This morning my back is literally back to square one.... muscle spasms... the spinal stenosis is bad because I'm having trouble with my left leg. Any time things get swollen and aggravated in my spine that left leg gets weak. It's frustrating but I got a great night's sleep and I'm confident that I can do whatever I need to do today. At least, because of all the diagnostic testing I went through last year, I know exactly what it is and how to treat it and don't have to worry that it's something like kidney stones or something scary.

So... the moral of this story is... we survived Monday. God is good. All the time. Hope you have a great Tuesday! Love and hugs!

Reasons to Love Monday - from the time machine

2012-01-23T07:24:00.000-05:00

Well, Monday... we meet again.
It's been a long night. I was wide awake at 1:30 am, fell asleep again at 4am and woke up at 6:30.
My back is KILLING me. Just when I thought I'd licked that problem... just when I thought I was going to be able to report a miraculous healing to my doctor... here we are again. I'm using the tens unit this morning and it helps (the tens unit is a small electronic device that delivers electronic pulses to the muscles).
I'm going to need to drive Austin to school because the weather is horribly stormy.
Austin has a doctors appointment today to check on an ingrown toenail that is horribly infected (red, swollen, draining stuff). *apparently the word of the day is "horribly)
We're going to also address his inability to fall asleep. He's had this problem his entire life but asked that I not make him take meds for it when we moved here... now he is realizing that he needs to be back on meds for it.
I made coffee when I first got up this morning and forgot to empty the unused coffee from yesterday out of the pot. It overflowed... what a mess!
And I'm supposed to be coming up with Reasons to Love Monday so let me stop this Personal Pity Party and get on topic.

1. We bought the cutest little onesie for Iridessa that has a picture of a cupcake and says, "My first valentines day". So excited for Austin to give that to Logan today!

2. I found metallic silver sharpies which may be my number one favorite writing utensil ever! I don't know what I'm going to use them for but I've got them in my purse for whatever opportunity presents itself.

3. Don't you love that little face? Can't wait to get back home to him after work.

4. My Christmas tree is now a Valentines Day tree. I think it's awesome!

5. This picture of my great-great grandparents - as described by my Uncle Bill - makes me feel connected to my past

- This is Louisa McCubbin and he husband, John Pennington taken prior to her death in 1929. These are Dad's paternal grandparents and Dad is the photographer. The scene is Hulbert OK at Granddad's (William J's) gas station.

6. My grandmother with her two oldest children, Uncle Al and Uncle Bill, in 1937. She would have been 27 and in this picture she looks JUST LIKE my mom - I love seeing her like this, young and nurturing.

7. This picture is way cool too... my great-grandfather, William Judson Pennington and his siblings. He was born in 1878. Uncle Bill is named after him.

Fanny is his older sister. Ethel and Lula are the other sisters. Jim is the other brother and Leo is the other one. All were born in MO except Leo who was born in Oregon. I suspect picture may have been taken in Miller Co., MO when Will married Alice Clow in 1905.

So my reasons to love Monday are beyond the tangible and the present day. I look at these who came before me and realize that the struggles and sacrifices they made, made my life possible. I love seeing my ancestors. I'm discouraged that the pain is back but I also know that I can make it through. And I know it's not by chance or circumstance that today is the day I scheduled for Austin's doctors appointment. I won't be sitting as long as I normally would.

Y'all. I'm just telling you... God is good. That's my biggest reason to love Monday. Have a great one!

Joe Pa and... finding mercy

2012-01-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

Joe Paterno has died.
I was never a big Penn State fan, but as I have mentioned many times, I'm a fan of fans. I appreciate the kind of passion and tradition that Joe Pa brought to the world of college football.
It's sad that his last few months held so much controversy. Will he be remembered for the great things he did and how he defined Penn State football... or will he be remembered for the shameful situation that occurred under his watch?

Will my life be defined by my successes or my failures? No one is perfect. All of us have some thorn in the flesh that has allowed us to bring shame on ourselves, whether privately or publicly. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

We all need grace. If we could earn it, it wouldn't be grace.

There is a local news story I have been following about a 7 year old girl who was abducted, molested and brutally murdered in a town very near where I once lived. Her killer admitted guilt and then committed suicide the next day. Facebook and Twitter and local online news stories were full of people who celebrated his death. I wasn't comfortable with that. Yes... he did a monstrous, horrible thing... but he was still a human being created by God... I have a real problem with wishing death on anyone. Life is God's to give and God's to take away.

How would I feel if that were my 7 year old little girl? I can't answer that. I know that there is power and freedom in forgiveness... I've only had to exercise that on a small scale. Truly, my greatest bitterness toward Michael was not in what he did to me but what he did to my children, how he hurt, mocked, demoralized and alienated them. Definitely he broke me and obviously he broke my spirit but what he did to my kids hurt me far worse. I've had to work through the process of forgiveness of what he did to my kids... and it has been a process... but I know that only by forgiving him have I been able to move on. I would think the same blessing awaits for those who have been wronged on a much greater scale. I hope that the children who were violated because of JoePa's lack of action can forgive him posthumously. I hope that the family of this precious young lady who was murdered can find that freedom.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that all along, the prisoner was you.

Are there unforgivable acts? Maybe in a worldly view but not in a heavenly perspective. I'm no theologian but I believe that the only unpardonable sin is disbelief. If you believe in God... all can be forgiven.

I know that the world is full of people who avoid a relationship with God out of shame. "You don't know what I've done"... I know there are people who have wronged others... been unfaithful in their marriages... lied, cheated, stolen... I know there are people who have ended the lives of their unborn children... I know there are people who are walking around with a burden of shame so heavy that the only way they can lighten the load is by burying their heads in a variety of vices trying to drown out the voices that accuse them of *that thing they have done*... I know there are many who can't even begin to comprehend a God who can show mercy to ANYBODY.

That's why I love Him so much.

The world may always see the stain of sin in your life... God will see His child. Let Him love you. Let His mercy wash over you. Let go of the burden of shame and be who He created you to be.

Rest in Peace, Joe.

stormy saturday

2012-01-21T07:44:00.000-05:00

First light peeking through the trees... we're expecting stormy weather today but other than a brief food shopping trip... I'm in the nest all day.

Oh and Austin's overnight company couldn't come last night so we will go pick him up today. I'm always a tad anxious when driving around the county based on Austin's directions... never know when I will face a road that my little car can't handle. Hopefully Gator Boy lives on a paved road.

Coffee good. Cafe Bustelo is muy bueno, mi amore.

I finally found my popcorn bowl. It's on top of the cabinets above where I can reach. Austin's organization. Oy.

Y'all remember my magic microwave popcorn trick, right? 1/2 cup of old fashioned popcorn kernels in a paper lunch sack... fold the top of the sack over twice... put in the microwave for about 2 minutes (listen to when the kernels stop popping)... and you have a clean, healthy, no unpronounceable chemical laden popcorn. It's my favorite treat. I melt a pat of real butter and pour over it and it's the best!

My plans for today are to get my messy room cleaned up to the point where it looks like a healthy adult woman lives here as opposed to looking like a teenager or a sick elderly woman who can't take care of herself. It's a mess.

My living room is a mess because Austin broke his box spring - yes, the brand new one he got in July after the fire when he got brand new really nice bedding - by jumping on it. Jumping. On. It. Yes, friends, this young man will be able to vote in 40 days and he is still jumping on his bed. Anyways... when he last cleaned his room a few weeks ago he took the broken box spring out and put it in the living room and made arrangements with the maintenance man to either haul it off or take it apart and burn/recycle the metal parts. It hasn't happened yet so the box spring is LITERALLY in the middle of my living room.

My living room needs to be renamed the entry way because we do precious little living in there. My room should be renamed the den. Austin's needs to be renamed the rumpus room. Apparently. The kitchen is still the kitchen. The dining room. I don't know.

Little Kitty - Trouble - loves when the sun first comes up. He sits in the window in amazement.

Yesterday was a not bad day. I wrote two new auto policies which gives me five, I think, since I came back. I have to work harder to generate business in the back but it's been good for me. Bloom where you are planted, you know?

I spent my lunch hour getting snacks for Austin for the weekend and treated myself to a latte. Starbucks is no longer selling the pumpkin spice lattes... that season has passed.

I did have time to enjoy a salad from Ingles salad bar and a little study in 1 Samuel. I feel like there is so much spiritual/biblical/theological stuff that I want to absorb... I'm almost a little a.d.d. in my studies... however... I have always loved King David and was in a mood to sort of trace his life a little more carefully. David impresses me because he was nowhere near a perfect person... and yet he was used of God. It's encouragement to me as a person who has wandered off track time after time again to know that there's hope.

I've got a little more work to do on the passages I read yesterday because they didn't make chronological sense to me. In 1 Samuel 16, Samuel anoints David... and towards the end of the chapter King Saul has the blues and they bring young David to come and play the harp for him. Then in chapter 17 David is back tending sheep and Goliath is scaring the Israelites to death with his offer to do battle only with him. David goes to Saul and asks for permission to fight Goliath... and Saul goes so far as to outfit David in his armour - which David rejects because it's uncomfortable. Then after David is successful in killing Goliath, Saul asks who this young man is.

It's like... dang Saul... how can you NOT know who he is? Are you that out of touch with your subjects? The kid has been playing the harp for you... you gave him your own armour...

But when I read it in the Message version of the bible, it reads more like Saul is asking more about David's family because he wants to know MORE about David.

Anyways... my point is that when you read the bible out of a sense of seeking knowledge and wisdom and understanding... you will find things out that you already thought you knew. It's fresh and different every time.

So I guess that's all the happenings here in the nest. Hope you have a Super Saturday and Wonderful Weekend. Love and hugs, y'all!

Intersections...

2012-01-20T06:29:00.002-05:00

It's Friday and to God be the glory for getting me through another week. Had a bit of pain yesterday but it was tolerable. I was exhausted at the end of the day but I made it the whole day. That's what life is all about... little victories, day by day, moment by moment sometimes.

I am being discipled. Not disciplined. Discipled. I'm learning to be humble. I'm working on my character. I look at my sweet Steel Magnolia and how treasured she is by her community and her family. I know that she has spent a life of faith, working on who she is. I know that even her, in her advanced years and extensive experience, has had times when she was at odds with people in her life. I suspect that it grieved her in the way it grieves me. All of us, I believe, have someone in their lives who isn't their biggest fan. My challenge is to respond with grace. That's the challenge... that's what I work on daily... because it is those conflicts that make people really look at who you are and how you respond, right?

I'm on a shorter schedule this morning because I promised to take Austin to school today. He likes it. I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging during this last "mile of the marathon". I would hate walking to the bus stop in the dark and cold. So this morning I'm going to give him a treat. It puts me in the car a bit longer but it's ok. I use my time in the car to pray and I can use a little prayer. I'm wearing thin this week. Figuratively, of course. I'm wearing fatigue like a thick, heavy cloak but I can do this.

Austin has company coming for the weekend. Not the usual suspects... this guy I semi-approve of because he's a Gator fan. I am not thrilled about having someone else in the house all weekend. I like my space. This is a small apartment. It's supposed to rain. I need Austin's help to get groceries. But... all of that aside... I'm glad that Austin is social and has friends.

We watched a video last night of Austin's preschool friend Hunter and his band. Austin's not a huge connoisseur of music. I'm more a show tunes or Contemporary Christian music fan. But Hunter is talented and it's surreal to see who he has grown to be. Austin had a very profound statement, though, he said, "the last time I saw Hunter it was weird. Awkward." It is hard to reconnect with people sometimes when you've both grown and you don't have the same things in common that you once had. Austin and Hunter were friends when they were going through potty training and that sort of thing. And Austin struggles with making small talk and articulating with people he doesn't know well. Although I haven't approved of the "element" he has connected with everywhere we've been... I'm proud of the work he has done to make friendships. It's not easy.

Every friend is a treasure. Every enemy is an opportunity. Every life that intersects with ours... whether for a season or a lifetime... makes an impact on us - and us on them... and I think as Christians we have to make the most of those intersections. That's what I mean by being discipled. If I truly want to be a follower of Christ, I have to make sure that when people pass through those intersections with me, that they understand how and why I am different. I can't put my focus on how they treat me... I have to put my focus on how I respond to how I'm treated. And if I'm treated in a way that I feel is unfair, I have a greater burden, as a Christian, to use that experience for my good and His glory.

In the end... it's not about me. No one can separate us from the love of God. If I am crucified with Christ, in other words, if I make my life about believing the crucifixion as the saving experience that allows me access to God and entry into Heaven... then these light and momentary troubles... these minor conflicts... these seasons of being "at odds" ... aren't going to change my destination, they're just going to present opportunities for me to extend the grace I've received to someone else. I've been on the receiving end of that grace and it is transformational. When I have been the ugliest, meanest, least deserving of forgiveness, I've received it, both from God and man. I need to make my life about giving in the same way that I have received.

Heavy for a Friday, right? Well... it's time for me to glam and spend a little time with my not so little boy and then head into the work world to make the most of the intersections I cross through today. Start the weekend countdown clock, folks! My weekend begins in 11 hours!

Thankful Thursday - give God a place to hang out

2012-01-19T06:57:00.000-05:00

It's thankful Thursday here in the Nest! I hope it will be for you too.

Psalm 22:3 says that God inhabits the praise of His people. It makes sense, right? Who wouldn't want to be in a place where people say good things about you, appreciate you, make you feel honored and respected? I think some of my daily fatigue comes from feeling unappreciated and discouraged. If I'm around someone whose bitter... or complaining... I get the heck out of Dodge... if not physically, at least mentally and emotionally. I don't wanna be a place where God doesn't want to be because of my whining but...

Psalm 34:18 says that God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I also know that when the journey is long and I grow discouraged... God is close. So... from that I take that we're not supposed to be Fakey Fakerson and pretend to feel what we don't feel... if HE knows your heart, He knows that you're hurt. God still loves you even if you're not bubbling over with joy... it's a simple matter of this...

Praise Him in the storm. How many things have happened in my lifetime that I didn't understand... that broke my heart... that crushed my spirit? I'd have to tell you honestly that just about every day there is SOMETHING that takes the wind out of my sails. I've been mom to a teenager since November 14, 1999... you can bet that there's discouragement in that. I've been the mom to a kid with Asperger's syndrome since 1994. It's been a fight for my kid on a constant basis. I've been a single mom since May 8th 2000... that little interlude with the 2nd husband made me no less of a single mom. If anything... it made my life more difficult - minus having to pay the rent. I've suffered from chronic pain for a full year. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day that my back started to hurt. I've lost a home to fire in the past year. I've had struggles professionally. I've felt alone. I've been weary and worn out.

And yet through it all... God has worked in my life. He has been there. I don't get it right in every situation but I'm learning to say, "I don't understand why... but I trust you". I'm learning to start my prayers by acknowledging who He is... by thanking Him for loving me in spite of my brokenness... for continuing to hold me together.

Let me give my usual disclaimer for those who visit my blog who don't believe in God: If you will acknowledge the power of optimism in the midst of unpleasant circumstances, you will feel less discouraged. Isn't it all about the attitude of your heart? Doesn't having a proper perspective in all things... knowing that "this too shall pass"... doesn't it help you keep going? Even if you don't have a belief in a higher power, you can't ignore the fact that bitterness is destructive to your psyche.

I am still feeling less back pain. At the end of the day, I have some pain but it by no means as crippling and overwhelming as it was over the past year. I thank God for bringing me through that episode of life that the doctor said would NEVER get better. I don't doubt that finding a medication that seems to be helping with all of my chronic pain has made a huge difference. I thank God for the opportunity to have access to medication that helps. Am I healed completely? I don't know. But I'm better, that's for sure!

I praise Him for every day at the start of the day when I am able to get up and go to work. I praise Him in the middle of the day for everything I've been able to do. I praise Him at the end of the day for allowing me another day of pay... all that I am and ever hope to be is because of God's work in my life. He may work THRU a doctor, a pharmacist, a job, a client willing to purchase what I'm selling... He may work through a kid who remembers that it's trash day and voluntarily takes the trash to the street. He may work through a friend who gives encouragement. But in my heart... I believe that there is an almighty, omnipotent God who is orchestrating all of this good in my life... and who is working through the things that are not as good.

It's thankful Thursday... give God a reason to hang out with you... let Him inhabit your praise today.
Love and hugs, y'all.

Whiny Wednesday - with my thinking cap on...

2012-01-18T07:01:00.002-05:00

I've had my thinking cap on lately.
Not that I normally go around like a zombie.
I just feel that God is revealing things to me that I would normally miss... for no other reason than I've asked Him to.

I feel this enormous burden to pray for people. Evangelicals call that "intercessory prayer". I've just had this overflowing heart for people in my world. Yesterday after I mentioned praying for prodigals... the Lord showed me more and more people - not necessarily prodigals - just people who were standing in the need of prayer.

What a blessing it is to realize how many lives intersect mine... despite the fact that I am such a homebody.
I realized yesterday morning that I was entering my mission field... that I WAS in full time Christian service, as long as I would choose to serve the Lord wherever I was.

And at work... from the 88 year old widow who is adjusting to losing her husband of 55 years and the loss of her vision... to the dad of the 17 year old with leukemia who has been receiving treatment since October and they've had to go to stronger treatments... to the man who had his assets frozen by the IRS... there are a lot of walking wounded out there who need the kind of encouragement and compassion that I am uniquely gifted to be able to give. I truly care about these people. I don't just endure their phone calls and questions. I am honored to be the one to help them.

But I don't have to tell you that... a lot of you are walking wounded yourself. I'm going to do a better job of praying for you too... because you're important to me.

Something else God showed me... another Tim Tebow lesson... so often in my job I feel ill-equipped and unsuccessful. I feel underpaid. Unappreciated. Disrespected. Maligned at times. And yet... every day I can point to client after client whose lives I have touched, people who ask for me because they know the compassion I bring to my job, people who are in our agency only because I'm there, only because of what I do.

I'm not a salesperson by nature... but I'm still successful in what I do. Timmy isn't a traditional quarterback, but he gets the job done.

Something else I realized... just as I'm not as good at sales as I am with service... I'm not as good at evangelism as I am at discipleship. I don't always have the words to lead people to Christ... but I'm good (I think) at helping people know how to live a Christian life.

Just as I'm not a great performer but I'm great behind the scenes in the theatre... with organization, support, costuming...

This is the reason I always say I'm a "fan of fans"... I love watching people who are passionate about things. My heart is to help people be even better with what they are best at.

I was excited to move here to be close to Jim and Angie so that I could be supportive of their ministerial roles by helping with the girls. It hasn't worked out that way. Illness and injuries and pain and fatigue have plagued me the whole time I've lived here. I don't feel any closer to them than I did in Jacksonville. I'm not a part of their ministry. Most of the time I don't even know what they're doing. And that's my fault. I've been so absorbed in walking zombie like through my life, stumbling, struggling... barely getting from point A to point B.

Yet. I believe that nothing in our lives happens by chance. Even when it could be used for evil. God has shown me a lot through my struggles. My deepest desire is to take the very things that have prevented me from doing what *I thought* I would be able to do... and use them as a springboard to strengthen my relationship with God and more importantly... to be serving God through my circumstances.

It is difficult ...but it is helping me to exercise discipline that I have needed to develop my entire life. Instead of stomping my feet, throwing a fit, engaging in confrontation, so far, by the Grace of God, I have absorbed the information... I have recognized what it is and I have set my intentions on being where God wants me to be, being WHO God wants me to be and letting Him control my circumstances. If God is for me, who can be against me? No weapon formed against me will prosper.

Do you see the process that has happened in my heart? If I am meant to be there... God will make a way. And if that job ends for me... God will make a way for me to do whatever He intends for me to do and I am resolved to serve Him wherever I am.

You know what Tim Tebow says to people who tell him he's not good enough? He says, "pre-shate it". Recognizing that he isn't enough in himself lets people know that GOD has raised him up to be able to do what he needs to do.

When David faced Goliath and was mocked and teased that he couldn't kill that Giant... David gave them his testimony "I have killed the lion and the bear"... and he went on and did the thing that God had told him he could - and should - do.

This Whiny Wednesday, I know for sure...in this world we will have troubles, Christian friends, but take heart, God has overcome this world. When you're feeling stepped on and beat up and insignificant and weak... know that in your weakness, He is strong.

Whether I succeed or fail, I know that God has a plan for my life and I just have to keep my "thinking cap" on and let Him guide me.
Have a great day, y'all.

Praying for Prodigals

2012-01-17T07:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a long day at work. My back is still feeling pretty good. Nowhere near the pain that I struggled with for nearly a year. It bothers me just a little ... really, nowhere near as bad as it was... and mostly in the late afternoon. Now my tummy... that's something different... once I eat, my belly starts giving me trouble... so I'm fairly uncomfortable in the afternoon. I feel so much stronger but my strength sort of wanes in the afternoon. It's like... by the end of the day... I'm ready to go home.

I got home yesterday and Austin had completely cleaned the kitchen... I'm talking about organized cabinets... did the dishes... changed the litter box... scrubbed our white counters (who puts in white counters?) until they were white again. Everything was picture perfect. AND... he had cooked a pork loin AND made rice and cleaned up from cooking. Dinner was ready the second I walked in the door.

We were out of cat food, though, so I had to make a run into town... that's when I really ran out of steam. I went into Helen, to the Dollar General there... and it's up a flight of stairs. My legs felt like lead weights going up those stairs. Some bozo parked right behind my car rather than pull into a parking place... saved them about ten steps... and I had a "mommy look" for them that got them to move. How dare they delay me any further?

Anyways... Austin can be highly motivated... and then this morning... he's refusing to go to school. Sixth day of this semester and this is the second day he has missed. I argued with him but I don't have the strength of body or spirit to compel him to do what he doesn't want to do. If you pray, please pray that he will understand how important it is to be consistent in anything and everything he does. Every day for me is a struggle but I go...

I fear that he has found his way back to that "element" that led him astray before. Because he has no filter to know that there are things he shouldn't tell me... he confided that he was looking to partake in some activities that are illegal and inappropriate. I had given him money to go out with friends for lunch and a movie... but he reported that the movie started around 10:30. Obviously... there are no movies that start that early in the day... especially on a Monday, even if it is a holiday. I know that he's being shady... and I imagine that the clean kitchen was a guilt offering.

I know that a lot of my friends... both in real life and my blogger babes here... struggle from time to time with their grown and nearly grown children. I'm going to commit to praying for these children. It's a different world for them than what we grew up in. Morals have changed. Opportunities have changed... it used to be a guarantee that if you went to college, that degree guaranteed you a decent paying job... now there is much more uncertainty. I know it's a difficult time, this transition from dependent child to independent adult. Pray for mine and I'll pray for yours... comment here or on my link on facebook... or private message me the name of your child in transition and I'll commit to praying for all of these on a daily basis. They have so much stacked against them. My heart is just so heavy for these kids.

This passage is from Ecclesiastes 12

¹ Remember your Creator
   in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
   and the years approach when you will say,
   “I find no pleasure in them”—

I really enjoy the book of Ecclesiastes. It has so much wisdom in it. I also love reading a Proverbs a day - you can read the one that corresponds with the day of the month. I'm doing a study in James - Beth Moore's study - and it's fascinating to see a book I've read dozens of times in a different way. I've been reading from Oswald Chambers writings every morning. I'm cramming a lot in, so it would seem, in the way of Bible Study but I feel like I've wasted a lot of time and I have a lot of catching up to do. Simply stopping the computer games gave me a lot of free time to focus on these things. It's amazing how much difference it makes when you immerse yourself in study.

Time for me to glam and study a bit and get ready for work. Have a great Tuesday, y'all.

reasons to love Monday

2012-01-16T06:52:00.001-05:00

I may have already shared this story but I am nevertheless reminded of it every year on this day... back in 10th grade I was standing at my locker and a friend, Sonya Carter, mentioned, "man, we shouldn't even be at school on this day"... confused... I asked why... "because it's Dr. King's birthday" ... and I said, "who?".

I had no idea. To be fair, I also didn't know who Elvis was when the neighbor kid came over to tell us he was dead.

Since then, as we all know, Dr King's birthday was made a holiday to be celebrated on the third Monday in January. And here we are...

I have never worked for a company that celebrated the holiday. I will be at work today and I'm praying that because many people are off today that I'll have more success with my marketing.

Yesterday I was still feeling a bit feverish and weak. I was intentionally lazy to make sure I reserved my strength for the upcoming work week. I did make a run into town to pick up lunch as I was craving (of all things) mashed potatoes. I took the long way into town because our church service was on the AM Radio... it wasn't the current week (I don't think) but it was still great encouragement.

I also watched about a half dozen other sermons on tv or online. I tease that I am "homechurched" but yesterday, I really was and it was a great blessing to me.

I have a confession to make. I don't know if this is a lead up to a calling but all of a sudden I am FASCINATED with people who are in full time Christian service. Beth Moore - and her staff. A childhood friend who works for Lifeway (Christian publishing) with the VBS materials. I would LOVE that job! People who sing and travel the country performing. Angie Smith and her writing. I just see so much joy in those jobs. To know that you get to make your faith your source of income... that to me is incredibly appealing.

Of course... it's important to note... all of these people did what I didn't do: they got a college degree to equip them to serve the Lord in the way they are gifted and called. I told you... I don't particularly see this as a calling but I do see it as a way to create a hunger in me for doing what I can where I am. Any job can be a mission field if your heart is yielded to God and focused on Him. Even a NFL Quarterback (see yesterday's post).

So let's talk about my reasons to love Monday this week:

1. After a successful week last week, I am more confident in my ability to work a full week.
2. My back pain has been practically non-existent over the weekend. Either the rest or the new medication I'm on has finally been the treatment that worked. For now... I'm grateful.
3. We don't have staff meeting this week... regular start time! Woohoo.
4. Austin is out of school today due to the holiday. No dealing with him this morning and he has promised to do some work around the house.
5. I slept really well and am on a much more normal, reasonable sleep schedule. My 8-4 schedule is now more like 10-6... and I'm sleeping good. Not waking up multiple times during the night. Really sleeping.
6. Since the New Year has come I have to meet my deductible again. I was worried about the cost of my meds... I am on six medications a day... I got three of them refilled and the total cost was $18. That was really encouraging to me. I know one of the others is super cheap but the one that is my "miracle drug", the one that I think is super expensive, I haven't refilled it yet as I still have plenty on hand and my doctor gave me samples as well.
7. I ate well yesterday. Actually. I ate well over the whole weekend. My appetite has returned but I still have a little apprehension about the digestive process so I am still eating smaller meals than usual. This has to be a good thing (the smaller meals). My strength seems to be returning in direct proportion to how/what/how much I eat.
8. I received so much encouragement yesterday by just immersing myself in different teachings that were on tv and online. I'm realizing that my strength is returning in direct proportion to what I put into my mind, not just what I put into my body.
9. My "surgical site" is still tender but healing. There is still some drainage which I understand is normal. I'm ready for THAT to end and everything to be normal. One hundred percent normal. I'm closer today than I was last week to complete recovery. I'm excited about every day that passes that brings me closer to where I need to be physically. My strength seems to be returning based on how I respect and respond to my body.
10. My car is running good. Huge blessing after last Monday's drama.

I'm praying that you are starting your week with a confident and peaceful heart. Whether it's a day at work for you... or a day at home... or even, like my sweet friend, Cheryl, a day for grieving... I pray that you feel God's presence in your life. Invite Him to spend the day with you... and I will pray the same.

Happy Monday, y'all!

lessons from losing

2012-01-15T09:37:00.002-05:00

I fell asleep last night before the end of the Denver/New England football game but... truth be told... I had switched over right before halftime and started watching Miss America. It's not that I can't stand to watch Tim Tebow lose. It's that his mission was - and always has been - so much bigger than what actually happens on the field. I knew that if the game turned around - and it didn't - that I could catch all the highlight clips today. I also knew that the rest of the broadcast would be negative and I didn't need to hear all of that.

I think one of the fundamentals of Christianity is that you have to be able to believe things not seen. Faith, simply put, is believing in things you have not seen. Tim Tebow hasn't been a successful football player because he is a Christian, although, certainly God has gifted him and equipped him in a unique way. Tim Tebow has been successful because he never listened to those who told him he COULDN'T be successful. Sometimes in life you have to stop listening to the naysayers. Sometimes you have to believe in yourself... in your God given talents...

I don't believe you'll ever come across a single narcissistic Tim Tebow quote. He has confidence in himself only because he has worked hard, trusted God and has good people on his team who also work hard. He gives credit to God first, his teammates second and just acknowledges and honors the blessing of being a part of the team. His attitude hasn't changed since he was a third string quarterback with a throwing motion that "couldn't work in the NFL". When people say negative things about him, if he says anything at all, he says very simply, "pre-shate that" OR "God bless".

You really don't have to engage in a verbal argument with people who don't believe in you. Nor do you have to engage in a verbal argument with people who don't believe in God. You very simply just have to live your life in such a way that the arguments are silenced. Get out there and do the very thing that they said you couldn't possibly do. It doesn't always come easy. The miracle comes when people who otherwise shouldn't be successful at something ARE successful. What's unique about Tim Tebow is that when he does the thing he shouldn't be able to do, he recognizes the reason for his success. He gives glory to God first, his teammates second and I don't know that I've ever heard him take any praise upon himself other than to acknowledge that he has worked hard.

What's the lesson in that? Faith + work = success. You know where people check out on God? They get the equation backwards. They want you to prove it to them first... they want the success - the blessings - first and then they'll believe. Believing in what you have already seen isn't faith. Expecting success in something you haven't worked at is foolish.

And when you fail... without having worked at something... without having believed it possible to do... how does it become God's fault? People don't believe in God because things haven't gone the way they expected them to go.

You won't find many quotes attributed to Tim Tebow but there is a much loved speech that is referred to among the Gator Nation as "The Promise" that is so highly respected that it is on an engraved plaque outside the football stadium. It came after a heartbreaking loss to Ole Miss that prevented the Gators from having an undefeated season.

“To the fans and everybody in Gator Nation, I’m sorry. I’m extremely sorry. We were hoping for an undefeated season. That was my goal, something Florida has never done here. I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will play the rest of the season. You will never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of the season. You will never see a team play harder than we will the rest of the season. God bless.”

He did exactly what he said he would do. They went on to win a National Championship. Losing showed him that he had not done everything he needed to do to be a winner. He took the responsibility on himself, he didn't blame God for failing him... he blamed himself for failing God. (you can read more about the Promise and other things that make Tim Tebow a legend beyond his years at http://www.timteblog.com/2009/12/top-tebow-moment-no-1-promise.html )

I'm sure in the grand scheme of things that Tim is disappointed in his performance last night. Yet I suspect that his mission on this earth was so much greater than winning football games. He's got the whole country talking about how a quarterback with the wrong skill set could win. He's got the whole country aware of how different he is... he's not showing up outside of nightclubs. He's not trash talking. He's not walking around with a different girl on his arm every week. He's not self absorbed. He has humility and wisdom beyond his years. More than that, though.. he has the sports world talking about Christianity. They may not believe in God any more than they believe in Tim Tebow but it's hard to argue with his results.

I love watching Tim Tebow win but I am so greatly encouraged by who he is when he loses. The passage of scripture that Tim posted on his facebook page yesterday was Romans 8:37-39 which says:

Romans 8:37-39

New International Version (NIV)

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Life is bigger than a football game... just as life is bigger than my little office and what goes on there. God is far more concerned with the change that happens in our lives as we travel from loss to victory and back again. No matter how successful we are... if we choose Him... nothing can separate us from Him.

remarkable random Saturday

2012-01-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

I made it through a period of not working for three weeks... almost a month between real paychecks... and I'm not broke or overdrawn in my checking account. That's remarkable.

I worked a whole week despite my still tender hiney. I thought I'd be lucky to get a few half days in this week... yet I made it all week and even managed to make a little money in the process.

It's still below freezing outside. There is ice on the mountain - beautiful - but so cold.

Despite the cold... I still went out and picked up Austin's breakfast from McDonalds. He won't be awake until after noon, I'm sure... but when he wakes up on Saturday and mom has his large sweet tea in the fridge and his two bacon egg and cheese mcgriddles in the microwave, it makes his day better.

I fell asleep shortly before 11 last night and slept until after sun up this morning. That never happens. I clicked the time on the tv when I woke up and it was after 8am. I'm always up at dark thirty, no matter what time I go to sleep. I felt so lazy and indulgent.

I also felt lazy and indulgent last night when I made hot chocolate for myself and used two packages of hot chocolate mix. You've gotta love that.

Austin washed the dishes and semi-cleaned up the kitchen after I went to bed last night. That's why I didn't mind heading out in the sub-freezing temps this morning to drive to town to get his breakfast. Granted... it was a chore I asked him to do three days ago... you take what you can get.

A friend of mine who I will allow to remain anonymous... got a shout-out from Ryan Seacrest yesterday on Twitter which I found WAY cool in that giddy, school girl kind of way.

A girl who did a show with me and Purple Michael back in 2002 - yes, ten years ago - where did the time go? - is in the new movie "Joyful Noise" with Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah. I'm the QUEEN of two degrees of separation!

I'm watching a "How I Met Your Mother" marathon today. High aspirations. Actually... I find the writing on this show really funny and I very much enjoy Neil Patrick Harris. Just like with Friends... I can imagine myself right in the middle of these characters.

I'm also planning to do a load of laundry, go grocery shopping with Austin, pick up prescriptions, work on my Beth Moore "James" bible study and oh yeah... watch a little football.

I don't care whether or not Denver wins... I'm just so grateful for the way that Tim Tebow has gotten the media talking about Christianity. I think that whether we win or lose in life, we (as Christians) should do it all to the glory of Jesus Christ.

One thing I've learned through my blogging... the times that I am the most broken and discouraged are the times that God is able to show through. Imagine that... when I get small and insignificant... there is room for God in my life.

Obviously... my little blog that gets about a hundred hits a day (about fifty of those from me checking to see how many hits I have)... has nowhere near the notoriety of a NFL quarterback. But it is a microcosm of what happens on a much larger scale: there is no limit to what you can accomplish if you don't care who gets the glory.

What's sad... probably my greatest character flaw... is how broke and broken I have to be before I step out of the way and allow God to do what He wanted to do in my life long before I got broke and broken. I'm working on it.

Trouble the cat just came in between me and the computer so that I had to give him a little love... and I literally just sang to him, "I whip my fur back and forth" to the tune of Willow Smith's "I whip my hair back and forth". He appreciated it so much he came back for an encore.

Time for me to soak in the tub for a bit. Happy Saturday folks... we're gonna make it after all....

don't fear Friday the 13th

2012-01-13T06:23:00.003-05:00

Today is Friday the 13th. Whatever. We will have THREE of them this year which is unusual. The number 12 is the number of "completeness" which makes the 13th irregular and excessive and out of the ordinary. One too many.

For me... it's not unlucky... it's a day of victory. Just one week ago I was soaking in my tiny little bathtub praying for the strength to just be able to drive to a doctors appointment and back. Today I'm heading out to work my fifth day in a row with complete confidence that I will make it through the day... maybe not completely pain free but with victory over the pain and with strength that has returned above and beyond what I could have imagined. Miraculous, even.

God is good and He has shown favor to me this week. I might have healed on my own... maybe... without prayer and without His healing hand on me but I believe that the amazing progress I have had was because of prayer - not just my own but the many people who thought enough about me to pray for me. I'm in awe.

Yesterday I had lunch with a new friend and it encouraged me in a mighty way. It helped me understand a few things that have happened in the past month or so and brought me a lot of peace. It also made me feel less alone and that... to me... was a beautiful blessing. And no, since I didn't use pronouns, I know you're thinking I mean a gentleman friend... nope... just a sweet girl who has been compassionate toward me in an environment where I haven't found much compassion.

I want to give you a few positive thirteens to get through your Friday the 13th...

How about 1 Corinthians 13 - the Love Chapter? Isn't that a beautiful passage? How about the 13th verse of the 13th chapter which says: ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

You've gotta LOVE that! One my "wedding ring" finger I wear two rings... a tiny, little ring that says, "hope" and a big, solid band that says "faith"... it reminds me that instead of a commitment to a man... my strength comes from a little hope and a lot of faith.

Here's another 13:13 - this time from the book of Romans... ¹³ Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.

That's more of an "oh me" than an "amen"... one of those instruction verses... but it's something I take to heart. There's a gentleman who is pursuing me - patiently but - nevertheless - and I have told him that I don't believe that God intends for me to date in this season of my life. Maybe not never but definitely not right now. My focus has to be on Him. It's my source of strength right now. It's the only thing keeping me going in this last mile of my Single Mom Marathon. The Straight and Narrow is my anchor (like we talked about yesterday). No room in my life for those indulgences in human nature.

Another beautiful 13 for me is the understanding how deeply and intimately God has been involved in my life from the very start of my life ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb
That was from Psalm 139:13. Also, ironically, the passage I challenge myself to memorize lass year and only made it less than halfway through. I'm committed to completing it this year. In addition I'm accepting Beth Moore's challenge to memorize the entire book of James while doing her James Bible Study. It's a huge task for an old brain but I need to get beyond my comfort zone a bit... believing that God has brought healing into my life, I need to live in an attitude of strength, not weakness...

Here's a 13:13 example of healing...

¹³ Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

This time from Luke. Sounds like what has happened to me... I asked God to heal me... last Friday, when I cried out to him... and it is why my attitude this week has been one of praise and amazement rather than fear and discouragement. I'm walking around, functioning, contributing to my world.

Something else I haven't mentioned but it's really cool: my back has not bothered me this week. I have a little muscle spasm here and there. My piriformis (the right butt cheek) syndrome is a bit flared up due to not being able to sit flat/normal. But the feeling of the disks being compressed and collapsed... the stenosis that makes it difficult to walk... that old feeling of dragging myself in the door and being in so much pain that I immediately hit my pharmaceutical drawer... hasn't happened this week. WHAT if... that three weeks of rest was exactly what my BACK needed? WHAT if... in praying for healing from pain... God healed all my pain? I'm also taking a new drug and it's possible that this medication is finally the right ticket for me, but even in that... after a full year of seeing doctor after doctor after doctor seeking pain relief... finding the right combination of how to heal is something to get very excited about. And I am!

I praise God for the next 13 hours... by 7:15, Lord willing, I'll be back home in my nest and can rest... recharge... renew... get groceries... spend time with my kid... but in these next 13 hours on the 13th, I have an opportunity to go out into my world and make a difference to someone. You do too. Don't be afraid... Friday the 13th is a great day!

Love and hugs, y'all!

I'm thankful for an anchor

2012-01-12T06:17:00.001-05:00

Three days of work... I left early yesterday as I usually do on Wednesday but I didn't make it to Bible Study. I hit a brick wall. (not literally, just figuratively). By the time I got home I was feverish and having chills and feeling so weak again. IF I have learned anything over the past month it's that God gives me clear signs about what I'm supposed to do to take care of myself.

You see, I am fearfully and wonderfully made... and I have the blessing of still being in touch with the one who created me... and He knows how to keep me on track. I'm having some pain this morning... I just keep telling myself I'm only three weeks past having my hiney rebuilt and I have to keep in perspective that I am not *yet* ten feet tall and bullet proof. But I'm CLOSE! Without giving TOO MUCH information... I can now tell how extensive the change was in my body and it's very different... it's no wonder that the whole digestive process has been so difficult.

Still...I'm so grateful for the blessings of this week.
It's Thankful Thursday and I'm feeling so much gratitude for the difference in my life between last week and this one. There has been so much healing that has taken place.
I'm so excited every morning to get up, put on my work clothes and a little makeup and head out into this beautiful world.
I'm thankful for my new office. It feels really good to be able to focus on marketing and not have to deal with the people who wander in to make payments. Our walk in clients typically have been marketed to death, at least by me. It's really cool for our two new girls who have no prior history with people to ask them about new products in a new way and I think they have a greater potential of making that work.
I'm bringing in people who specifically want to see me and are coming in specifically to BUY stuff. That changes my income potential and I'm grateful for that.
I'm thankful for my sweet clients who ask for me and genuinely care about me as a person, not just as their insurance agent. I've had so many ask how I'm doing or where I've been.
Yesterday I met with two new clients - an older couple - and they were just precious. I had such a great time helping them with their insurance... and we're going to save them a lot of money and I feel really good about that.
Another former client is interested in coming back to us after only six months with another company because he misses us... and I had kept good enough records to be able to quote his insurance without interrupting his day.
I'm good at a lot of things. Last week I was feeling very unsure about myself and my abilities. This week I'm realizing that God has gifted me in very specific ways and I know that although I'm not the best in everything I'm uniquely designed to fill a specific role in our agency.
And I'm glad to fill that role for this season of life but I'm not afraid for whenever that season ends.
I trust God to put me where I'm best able to serve Him.
Back to that fearfully and wonderfully made concept.
It's not that we aren't meant to grow and evolve in our lives... we have to appreciate who we are... we can aspire to greater things, equip ourselves for greater things... and still be useful right where we are.

I went back and read something that my Uncle Bill had written about my grandmother's life. Not my Steel Magnolia... but my mom's mom who passed away in 1998. I found a lot of similarities between us and I was so encouraged by the testimony of her life. One thing that really resounded with me was that she had lead somewhat of a nomadic life... circumstances forced her to move time and time again. Her life involved so many changes... and many times of pain and frustration, I'm sure. Her one constant was her relationship with the Lord. He never moved. I love reading her notes in her bible... and seeing how she grew and evolved as a child of God, even when her handwriting grew shaky and she was a "seasoned" citizen. She still kept understanding more about Him. I realize that despite the seasons of change in my life, every time I open up my own big Bible with the crinkled and marked up pages, it's like going home again. It's my anchor. Whenever I let go of it, I feel blown around and unsettled. When I reach for it again... I'm still.

Why is it, do you think, that every time I'm enveloped in anxiety, the Lord whispers to me, "be still". And once I'm still... I find my peace. It's a timeless concept. It's my legacy. No matter what the circumstances... no matter what I have... or don't have... I just have to reach for that anchor and be still... get "me" out of the way and let God work.

I think that's awesome.
Time to go dress in my warm woolies and get ready for work. We're expecting strong, cold wind today and a tiny little dusting of snow overnight. I can see the weekend ahead and I will be able to celebrate my accomplishments this week. I'm so encouraged by that... so grateful to be strong enough to work.
Hope you have a great Thursday and find your anchor for the storms of life!

un-whiny Wednesday

2012-01-11T06:06:00.001-05:00

Looks like another rainy morning here in Hooterville. I'm going to volunteer to take Austin to school. I feel time slipping through my fingers. To be able to spend a little time with him on the way to school is a blessing. In 49 days he'll be 18. For those of you who are real life friends but aren't in my day to day existence at the moment, I know that seems as surreal to you as it does to me. AUSTIN, little Austin... goofy, little dirty "lostin" will be able to vote.

And, as he warns me, get a tattoo. I'm not opposed to tattoos. I have one. A small, very discreet one. I tried to caution him to be careful about that process... what you're committed to at 18 can be so very different from what you're passionate about at 40. He wants to honor his grandfather who was killed in Vietnam. I support that. I'm just concerned about him putting something vulgar or that could be misinterpreted in his later years.

He also wants a cigar. *shakes head* What can you do?

Anyways... it's Wednesday. I have worked two full days in a row this week. I have some tender parts but God continues to give me strength. Yesterday on the way to work I prayed that God would allow me to be a blessing to someone. I am learning new humility along the way because I'm not physically strong and I do struggle at times to keep pain from being a distraction... and I'm feeling a little out of the loop, as you can imagine... and that I have lost my edge... so that was my prayer, "Let me make a difference in someone's life today". And of course, it actually happened. A client had a death in the family and needed to make arrangements on their bill that was coming due with us. I (of course) offered my sympathy and the conversation led down the winding road of our similar situations as single moms to boys... and we laughed and commiserated and at the end of the conversation she said, "I'm so glad you were the one who answered the phone... I needed to laugh to day". And I thanked God. I needed to feel worthy.

And there was another young lady whose father had told her not to talk to anyone but me about her problem. That was a sweet validation for me and such a blessing. I keep moving forward in this season of life, suspecting that God has a different season ahead for me soon as my child-rearing duties change to adult-mentoring duties... and I am sensitive to the work that He began in me in this career almost ten years ago... and how He is being faithful to use me even now.

I had this concept wrapping around my mind yesterday about being a Crisis Christian and how limiting that is. It's like we - I - to be honest - have my little god in a box on the shelf to use in times of trouble in the same way that we keep our fire extinguisher under the sink. When someone dies I sprinkle a little "our thoughts and prayers are with you" their way. When money is tight I throw up a little wish or two that God would help out. But it's mostly me, myself and I running the show and... can we face it? Running it badly. How different would my life be if I could be instead a Consistent Christian... making Him the center and focus and decision maker for all things in my life? What if I followed God as faithfully as I follow Tim Tebow (or... insert any distraction, addiction, situation or relationship that comes first for us).

I wrote the word "crisis" on my hand yesterday and mulled it over in the times that I had time to think. I guess, ultimately, if you really believe (and I do) that there is an afterlife, a "just reward" on the way... if you believe what the Bible teaches, that we, as Christians, are in this world but not of this world... if you realize that the light and momentary troubles are achieving for us bigger and better things in the scope of eternity and if... like me... you realize that in this world we WILL have trouble... HE tells us. It's not supposed to be a cake walk for us. Satan seeks to kill and destroy. Man - fleshly man - is set against us. We are set apart, designated to be salt and light so that others can come to Christ.

Some of us were born to be afflicted. For real. Like... every struggle I face presents for me an opportunity to lead the way for others... to give encouragement... to truly be able to say, "I know what you're going through and here's what works for me"... and in addition... since I've been such a hard headed/hard hearted stubborn soul... it's no wonder that I keep having to learn the same lessons over and over again. Most of us ARE in crisis, most of the time... in one way or another... and I guess it's up to us to either be all "woe is me"... or "WHOA! is me!" Stop allowing our life to be a life of crisis and turn it into a life of consistent commitment lived out to honor Him.

Most of the time it's all about perspective. I'm in pain today, I won't sugar coat it. But I've lived through two really awesome victorious days this week where my life was changed and I was blessed enough to impact the lives of others just by getting out of bed and doing the things that are my responsibility to do and I just really want more of THAT. I want the suffering if it means that I'm going to have a closer walk with the Lord because of it... and even better if my being closer to Him helps others draw closer to Him.

Anyways... time to soak in the tub... do a little bible study before time for my cross county journey. Please be in prayer for my strength today... I've got a little extra something I desperately want to do today and I know how my flesh almost always defeats me in this effort. I need to be propped up a bit, if y'all have time and don't mind.

It's Whiny Wednesday and I forgot to whine. Oh well. God bless, y'all.

too blessed to be stressed

2012-01-10T06:32:00.001-05:00

I want to put a little perspective on my day yesterday for you... because I think that truly, it was a supernatural day for me.

7am - leave the house to take Austin to school in the dark and pouring rain. You should know that our roads don't have street lights and are curvy and scary in the dark. I don't see well in the dark and had to wear my glasses (which I also hate). However... it was better than having him start his day soaked to the skin.

7:45 - arrive at the office and begin to put my new office together. My sweet co-worker had taken my photos from my desk and arranged them in my new office. It immediately felt like home. I actually, very much enjoyed being in the back half of the office.

8am - staff meeting

8:30 - work, catch up on emails, get my new computer set up and in general just remember how to do what I've been doing for almost ten years. It came back!

11am - the local police swarm our back parking lot to arrest a guy who was installing a radio in my co-worker's car (with her permission). apparently he had a parole violation and the police noticed his car in our parking lot so they came to arrest. HIGH DRAMA!

12pm - went out to go to lunch - run to the bank, etc - and discovered that my car wouldn't start. Fortunately, there were still two policeman and another guy that I think was a policeman but he wasn't in uniform. Before I had time to get out and ask for help, I had three guys under my hood tinkering. They showed me a battery cable that had corrosion and showed me how to jiggle it to get it to start. Off I go...

12:20 - errands run... trying to eat a few chicken nuggets as I haven't eaten all day yet... turn the car off and immediately panic wondering if it will start again. Try the ignition... nope... same problem. Try to open hood to do what the police had shown me... can't open hood. Get absolutely filthy trying to bend down and figure out the latch. Call co-worker to let her know that I may be stranded. I am about two minutes from the office so she comes to help me. By the time she gets there, I have figured out how to open the hood. The cops told me to get a coke to wash off some of the corrosion... I didn't have coke but I poured water... and it started.

12:50 - back to the office - short stressful lunch and I've barely managed to eat two nuggets. Know I need more food. Afraid to put anything in my body. Turn off ignition then try to turn it back on to see if it will work. It won't. Cops are still in parking lot... ask if they have a tool where we can knock off some of the corrosion. They don't but are coming back anyways to finish up with my co-worker's radio for her and will take a look at it. I am stressed but feeling blessed. Try to figure out how to come up with a tow company to tow my car to a repair shop and how I will get back and forth to work without a car.

3pm - guys come back. Fiddle with my car some more and realize that the battery cable connector (I think is what they said) is bad, no way to tighten it or insure that it will start reliably. They offer to get the part and replace it for me. The part is around ten dollars. I am grateful.

3:30 - part is replaced, I have paid the nice men for the part and a little extra for taking on that responsibility. Mentally compare the potential cost of having towed the vehicle to a repair shop, paid a mechanic to fix it and renting a car in the meantime. Realized how beautifully God has intervened in my life. I very much at this point want to go home but ... I keep working. Realize that clients who want to see me ASK for me anyways. Realize how much easier my day has been since I haven't been up front dealing with walk in clients. Realize how rarely walk in clients are in a position to purchase our financial products (such as life insurance) that I really need to sell to increase my income. At this point I have not tried to see if the car will work. I TRUST that it will.

5:28 leave a few minutes early just in case I need to catch a ride with a co-worker. Car starts just fine. God is good. Tears spring to my eyes as I realize how beautifully God has provided for me. Realize that although I'll never be an NFL quarterback, I still have a sphere of influence where I can live my faith out loud. Realize that *even if there were no afterlife, even if there were no Heaven* I would want to live the Christian life because of the way it sustains me. Having something to believe in makes a lot of really stressful things way easier.

6pm arrive home safely and realize that my back has not bothered me today. realize that my other parts have not bothered me much... realize that although it has been an 11 hour day away from the house, I am nowhere near as tired as I would have thought. Realize that my friend Pam has brought over a big container of soup and oyster crackers (which I LOVE) and left it for our dinner. Bask in the glow of feeling loved. It's cold and rainy outside by my home is warm and cozy.

7pm - soreness setting in... get a hot bath and settle in for bed... completely relaxed...

Today... I'm back up and feeling great. It's raining outside so I may need to take Austin to school again. It's fifteen minutes in the opposite direction but it goes a long way toward starting his day in a much better way. I can afford thirty minutes of driving for my kid in the morning now that I am not playing all the computer games that took two hours every morning to maintain. It's amazing how much less stressful my life is now that I am taking time to fill my life with things that are eternal verses things that are temporary.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. I am in such a blessed space compared to the fear and frustration of last week. I know that did not come from me! Have a great Tuesday y'all!

reasons to love Monday - turning crisis into blessing

2012-01-09T06:04:00.000-05:00

Today it's back to life, back to reality for me and my boy. I am still sore but I am no longer sick and weak and that makes a huge difference. I can work with pain, I've lived with pain for a year almost. I couldn't work with being unable to have the strength to sit... the desire or ability to eat... and I am so grateful to God for the healing He brought into my life over the past week.

It's funny... in an ironic sort of way... if I had the information from my doctor last Tuesday that I received last Friday... that the surgery had been more extensive, that they expected the healing to be on the longer end of the spectrum... that I was in no way expected to be well enough to go back to work yet... I would have saved myself a lot of grief, frustration, guilt and shame. Yet... if I had that information... I would have relied on my own strength and not turned to God for strength.

I am grateful that God healed me but I am also grateful that I needed/wanted to turn to Him for healing. I'm grateful for any time I throw my hands up in frustration and by His great love am able to change hands raised in frustration to hands raised in praise.

You see... my fears that came to light were those fears of being alone and unable to do the things I need to do. I have been sick before. I have been in pain before. But I have never been in a place where I was truly unable to take care of myself. No matter what I have faced in my life to this point I have always had my own strength to rely on... and suddenly... it was gone. It broke me in ways that I needed to be broken. It gave me a compassion for others that I have never felt before. And it also reminded me of the awesome power of God and I. needed. that. reminder.

I had stopped listening for His voice. I had started living my life again in my own power. As long as I was able to drag my damaged spine to the office and make a reasonable effort to be present physically and mentally... even if that was the ONLY thing I could do... the fact that I was still able... was what I depended on. Even though my world had narrowed to the place of work/nest... I still had faith in my own strength.

I know a lot of people... actually... I would say most people I know rely on their own health and wealth for survival in this life. They work hard to accumulate wealth and exercise and eat right to preserve their health and all of it is just as fragile as my plan. No matter what you have come to depend on in this world, that can be snatched away from you in a heartbeat. Whatever gives you the strength to go on... wherever you find your security... I promise you, it is temporary and insecure. The husband can walk away. The house can burn to the ground. The job could end. You could have a health crisis. It happens every day.

I spend my work days trying to help people prepare for the unexpected. Insurance... risk management... creating a balance of giving a portion of what they earn today to make sure that if there is a crisis, they are prepared. I believe in this sort of preparation. But I also have learned a valuable lesson about preparing for things that money can't buy... we are not invincible. We need a supernatural force that is working on our behalf. I realized last week that I was having trouble hearing God's voice. The remedy is simple... open up the bible and start to read... open up your heart, turn off your tv, remove any and all distractions and just listen. He is there in the silence.

The first thing He said to me was the same thing He used to say to me in those terrible times in Jacksonville: be still. Be still. I was so riled up and anxious and discouraged. Despite my physical disability over the past year... I have filled my mind with tons of junk... games (I'm strongly convicted of this)... tv... indulgent, unholy, inappropriate things. I have spent very little time in the quiet or stillness that would allow room for God. I had to put down the crutches that I had leaned on to entertain me and allow myself to be alone with my thoughts so that He could fill them.

The cool thing is that God inhabits the praise of His people so if you are feeling apart from God, just start to praise Him. Praise Him for the thing that has made you need to turn to Him. Praise Him for loving you in spite of your selfishness and self-absorbedness (is that a word? who cares?) Once I got still and stopped my mental soundtrack of "I'm a loser. I'm never going to be able to sit again. I'm alone. I'm broke. I'm being demoted at work. I'm not going to be able to get Austin to graduation." The negative self-talk was demoralizing. You know... if you stop listening to God, you're going to hear from satan. He's going to fill your heart and mind with a lot of lies that will cripple you. Once you stop and hear what God has to say on the matter your strength will be renewed. That doesn't mean the crisis will go away. Some incredibly saintly people go through terribly tough times but... when you stop giving the victory to the crisis and start giving praise to God, the crisis becomes a blessing because it is the very thing that causes you to draw nearer to Him.

This is long and it's time for me to start getting ready for work. I'm so grateful for the strength to go out into the business world today. I'm grateful for my job and will do my best to honor God through my efforts there. I thought about how Tim Tebow is remarkable because whether he wins or loses, he gives God the glory. I'm not sure I can physically "tebow" in my office, but my heart will be yielded to God in that place. Whatever happens... it is my opportunity to glorify God.

Have a great day, y'all!

more jamie's birthday pictures....

2012-01-08T08:46:00.001-05:00

More pictures...

My parents' sixth child... Oscar

sweet girls at the birthday party...

To see how much Sarabeth and Jorjann have changed, look at the pictures in my sidebar, they were from last year's birthday party.

That sweet little Jamie face!

Austin may be far from perfect but it takes a really sweet teen to go to a Cabbage Patch Kids birthday party!

polite Christianity

2012-01-08T08:38:00.004-05:00

I have a confession to make. I don't watch videos when people post them in their blog. Sometimes. Rarely. Usually because I keep the sound off on my computer because I play(ed) those games continually and always had one of them on in the background and they all have insanely annoying music. If it's someone's kids or pets, I'm more likely to watch. If it's just some random video of your favorite rock group from 7th grade... eh, notsomuch.

So, being a complete hypocrite, I'm posting this twenty minute video and asking that, as a personal favor to me, you watch it all. The title of this video is "Is She Crazy"... it's the Preacher Lady of Riverdale. If you don't watch it, the rest of this blog entry will not make as much sense. I know you're busy. Watch it anyways.

A little background. I grew up in Riverdale, Georgia, on the south side of Atlanta, in a county that includes the bustling Atlanta International Airport (which is now called something else but I forget the proper title - it doesn't really matter) In my childhood it was the kind of town where kids played outside until the porch lights came on and we walked most everywhere we went. My grandmother who passed away in 1998 never owned a car, never had a drivers license and she lived in Riverdale for the last twenty years of her life and walked to the grocery store... walked to the "old folks home" where she volunteered... That's another great story but my maternal grandmother volunteered at a nursing home and would go every day and take care of the "old people", one of which was a lady who was her teacher when she was a child back in Mississippi.

Riverdale was the kind of town where the junior high cheerleaders and football players would walk to the pizza restaurants on the main highway after football games and sometimes would even walk home afterwards. It was safe. Most of our parents worked for the airlines or at the Ford plant just up the road. It was a comfortable middle class suburb with little subdivisions full of ranch and split level houses.

Time and the economy have not been kind to Riverdale or Clayton County. My parents still live there but now they lock the door during the day. We didn't do that back when I was growing up. A teenager was shot in a driveby shooting the other night - on his own front porch. There are more pawn shops, check cashing businesses, thrift stores, buy here/pay here car lots and such than we had in the day. A lot of the things we grew up with are long, long gone. My friend Mary and I commiserate at times that we can't really go back home because the town we grew up in no longer exists. I imagine that's the case for a lot of people.

Our high school class hasn't done a good job of having formal reunions but we do have a strong, close presence on Facebook. Yesterday I caught this video posted by two friends of mine on Facebook. As I mentioned, I don't watch videos that other people post but I enjoy the two girls who had posted it and I suspected that what was moving to them might be moving to me as well. I watched this one. It's about a lady who goes and stands on the main drag of my old home town preaching the Word of God day after day after day. She speaks in a loud voice. She doesn't worry about offending others. She reaches out to people, prays with people, waves to passing cars, she praises God. RIGHT THERE ON THE STREET!

I will tell you that I am not afraid of the Gospel of Christ but truly, I am not bold enough to so much as lean in to a hurting person and whsiper, "Do you know Jesus?". I will offer the typical, "you're in our thoughts and prayers"... I will sprinkle little non-offensive pleasantries without truly engaging others or opening the door for an honest, open, real discussion about THEIR spiritual needs. I pray faithfully for others but oh, so, very rarely evangelize. What good is an Evangelical Christian who doesn't evangelize? I root myself in polite Christianity but never really use it for much more than my own good.

My church sends forth a lot of missionaries... both full time and part time, hard core, one hundred percent unafraid soldiers of God who go into deepest darkest Africa, Thailand, Ukraine... spin the map, pick a place, we're probably represented there. We even have a girl who is in one of those scary mideastern countries where women have to wear burkas and you get shot for being a Christian. It's such a scary place that we don't even name the country where she is... we just list her name and ask for prayer.

We go all over the world but we... me... I... a lot of times... most of the time... hardly ever... would have the courage of conviction to stand on the street corner talking about GOD. We will hang those goofy flags supporting our football teams... we will be openly passionate about things that don't really matter in the long run but we don't want to OFFEND anyone by talking about God. Not just the street corner... the virtual street corner. How many of us are bold enough to ask that person we share gifts from our zynga games WHERE they are spiritually? How often have you ... me... I... stopped short of really challenging people to think about their relationship with God?

We accept the platitude that I am guilty of spouting myself where we say, "I am spiritual but not religious". It's not about religion. It's about relationship. Believing that there are "spirits" out there is not going to help you in the after life and I DO believe there is an afterlife. I believe that there is so much more than this world. How different would our lives be - and the lives around us be - if we put aside our polite Christianity and stood firm and bold about our faith? Why not be willing to allow people to wonder if you're crazy?

I am feeling tons better. Yesterday Austin and I went to Walmart to get his hair cut, went to Jamie's birthday party and I spent more time away from the nest than I have in a long, long time. I am still not able to eat much and I still have some soreness but the weakness is giving way to strength and I am encouraged that I will be back on track this next week. That extra week made all the difference in the world.

I didn't get a lot of pictures of Jamie's party because I did try to stay in one spot in a comfy chair. There were a lot of kids going in a lot of different directions and I wanted to avoid a collision so I sat still. Here are a few of the pictures I took...

I wanted to show you this picture of Sarabeth and Jorjanne and Jessalyn... three of my little adopted nieces who have grown soooo much in the past year. How cute is Sarabeth with her socks? She's such a jock!

Austin with our youth pastor's daughter, Emily. Kids love Austin.

Sweet Jamie girl greeting her guests. And may I just say... I bought that outfit for her last year and I think it's soooo cute on her!

Social little Jamie with her friends and their dolls

Sarabeth and Miss Kate - Austin's teacher in Catalyst.

Our Jessie girl who hijacked the UGA Gymnastics jacket from Jessalyn. Notice my angle... I never moved.

Added degree of difficulty that Austin has to interject himself in every picture.

Opening gifts...

Me and Angie. I look awful. Baggy clothes... pale... but... there you go.

Kids love these riding toys but we had about a dozen wipeouts that included blood, screeching, drama, road rash... from the girls riding these downhill ... eventually Jim had to do an intervention and put them away.

So that's the haps this Sunday morning. I'm gonna run out and enjoy the mountains for a little bit. Hope you have an awesome day!

finding my way back

2012-01-07T06:41:00.001-05:00

I feel like the past 24 hours has been transformational. I'm not sure that's a word because spell check highlights it. But that's what it's been.

I have struggled over the past week with feeling like such an absolute failure. I mean, yes, there have been moments where my usual stubborn personality peeks through and I snap out of it... but my life calls for me to be not just ten feet tall and bullet proof but LARGE and IN CHARGE. I can't depend on anyone else because there literally isn't anyone else to depend on. Truth be told, I married my second husband, a control freak, because I was so bone weary of having to take care of everything myself. Obviously that was the wrong direction to go in... from famine to feast, where I had zero control over anything in my life. But for me here in these past few weeks to be stuck where I feel helpless and unable to do the things I need to do... it's been tough. Especially when I got to the beginning of the New Year and realized how sick I still was when I had bet the entire hand on being ready to go back to work on the 3rd... it's been a tough week.

I mean, y'all know. I've written some pretty pathetic blog entries this week. I wouldn't show that dark side of the moon if I didn't know that my transparency in these situations helps you to see my source of strength when I find my way back to Him. And He was there... all along.

There may come a time in my life when I'm no longer able to take care of myself. I have been told that my back problems are progressive, that they will never reverse, there will be no "miraculous healing", there is no surgery to fix it, there is no drug to take away the pain that will still leave me able to function. But for now... I'm still a single mom with a child who is facing his (prayerfully) last semester of High School and I. have. to. be. strong. Once Austin is grown... and we're so close to that day... he can go off to sow his wild oats in the same way my other boys have... and I can be whatever I want or need to be. I can be the relative who takes the elderly relatives to the doctor. I can be a top-notch professional career woman. I can be something in between. I can come and go as the Lord sees fit. I just have to make it four and a half more months. And counting.

Not that I've got a boot on Austin's butt pushing him out the door. He doesn't drive yet. Soon. Not yet. He has never *really* had a job. He's done odd jobs here or there but he's not exactly the go-getter. If he could design or test video games... he'd be a winner, winner, chicken dinner. But when I suggest, like I did yesterday, that we should get him an application for the new Dairy Queen they're building in town, he had a thousand reasons why that wasn't a good idea. He will go into a vocational rehabilitation program right out of high school. This prepares him for the job search process and even enlists local businesses that hire people with special needs. He's so smart and so highly functional that plugging him into the right niche will be very profitable for some local business, I'm sure. Whatever he knows, he knows very well and knows from every angle and is doggedly determined to do correctly.

My point is that I see the empty nest ahead and I am welcoming it with open arms. It's been a long, very tough, at times overwhelming journey to raise three young men on my own with very little assistance from where it should have come but, by the Grace of God, an outpouring of assistance from various and assundry places where it didn't have to come but did.

And as I ~~sat here this week~~ laid in my bed all week wondering if I would ever again be able to sit, wondering if was going to run out of steam in this last mile of the marathon of child-rearing... there was a fear that gripped my heart in a way that only fiercely independent people understand. I have beat myself up so many ways... made the call of shame four times this week to my office, apologizing profusely that I am not who I need to be right now... trying to explain without grossing anyone out or sounding too pathetic... that I plain and simply cannot sit.

There's been more. I mean... I'm lightheaded, unable to eat, weak as a newborn colt, perpetually sick to my stomach, dizzy, exhausted. I dread the toilet like a torture device. I've been unable to focus on any of the things that I usually fill my mind with... unable to find joy in the things that normally bring me joy (food and hours of computer games) ... barely at all able to bring food into the house for my child. I swear, Austin has dropped ten pounds over this holiday break, bless his heart. Thank the good Lord that the child loves canned tuna, canned corned beef hash, tomato soup and cereal.

Yesterday I hit the proverbial brick wall. I had missed the entire first week of work for this new year. My house is a wreck. I was facing an hour and a half round trip to the surgeon's office and back and there was no one to take me, I was going to have to drive the whole way. I spent the morning with the tv turned off and my bible open and poured out my heart to the Lord. I confessed every sin I've committed in the past year and some I might not have really committed. I sat in the stillness of my nest and instead of thinking about anything but God, I thought of only God. I went back through a mental inventory of the past 26 years (almost) since my first child was conceived and how blessed I have been as a parent, as a single parent. I got back to the things that really matter and it turns out that the things that matter aren't things. I rested my head on the shoulder of my Heavenly Father and let Him console me and redirect me. And I thought, "If it took all of that for me to be here... I'm ok with that".

I wish I wasn't so stubborn and distracted that it takes a crisis to pull my attention back to where it should go. Yet, I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that this just part of the process as I go about perfecting the soul that will be with me for eternity. At any rate, after that time of rest in Him, I knew that I could face whatever I was to face in the coming months leading up to my next season in life.

I went to the doctor which I thought would be the focal part of my day and as it turns out, it's a minor part of the story. I found out that they did the maximum amount of repair that they can do in one surgery. There is a concern of scar tissue and making things worse if they take everything in one procedure. As with any of the other things that have caught up with me in my forties, this is a surgery I should have had years ago but couldn't because I didn't have time, money or insurance. The extent of the surgery pushes me to the far end of the recovery period and there was never a thought that I would have been able to return to work yet. They were surprised that I had even considered it. It's fine if I want to go back Monday but I'm by no means healed yet... healing... but not healed. It's also normal that my appetite hasn't returned or my strength. This was no minor procedure and I don't guess I've ever really had major surgery before so my expectations were out of line with reality.

The bottom line is that I'm normal. My recovery is normal. Feeling guilty about not being where I was not expected to be was a wasted emotion. Putting more stress on myself than was needed was not going to change my recovery time. Imagine that.

I made peace with God, peace with my recovery, peace with any repercussions from the recovery (such as having used a years worth of sick leave the first week of the year), peace with who I am and whose I am. I drove home... uncomfortable but not suffering by any means... and I finally, for the first time all week, I rested.

Oh, wait, there's more. I started doing budget math in my head and was a little frightened by the numbers I was coming up with. Then I realized I had not yet collected my paycheck from the last half of December (a short one but still)... I had not gotten child support from last week and I haven't yet submitted the hospital income claim for my surgery... in other words... there was about $700 that was supposed to be in my account that wasn't yet.

Now that I've spent the past hour telling you that... I'm going to turn the tv off again. Curl up with a Good Book - THE Good Book - and let this thousands year old manuscript give me a little direction for the future. Later - my Jamie-Gurl's birthday party. Love and hugs, y'all!

listen to your body, that's all I'm sayin'....

2012-01-06T06:21:00.001-05:00

I didn't go to work yesterday. I psyched myself up here... went and took a shower, got dressed, started drying my hair and just about collapsed from exhaustion. I had prayed through all of that and I knew that there was a reason. My friend Pam confirmed some of the thoughts that I had - without even saying anything to her - which I think is awesome, it's always a bit of a validation to me that God is hearing me when someone else voices what I'm thinking he's telling me.

My blood pressure is up. My anxiety is off the charts. I can't eat. I'm exhausted all the time and... I'm still in pain. I still have the feeling that I'm held together with stitches. I rested a lot yesterday. I read the book, "Killing Lincoln" by Bill O'Reilly which was a great retelling of the assassination of Lincoln - more in depth than I have ever read and I read a lot of historical stuff. I sat up a bit - as much as I could stand at a time. I didn't OVERDO but I did try to move a bit more and regain some of my strength.

This morning I'm passing a little blood. Not much. Not scary amounts like before... but if you have spent the past month with your rear end stitched together... a little is a lot. Especially after suffering through all of this to end this sort of thing. If I wasn't going to the doctor already today, I'd be parked in front of his office first thing this morning. I'm not sure how I'll manage the drive down there and back today. I was thinking I'd be ten feet tall and bullet proof by now and when I made the appointment, I thought I was fine. That is a looooong drive when you haven't been sitting well and it will be a loooooong drive home after having the doctor up in my business.

I don't like seeing the blood but it does drive home an important point to me about listening to your body. I've been tough on myself all week about not being ready to jump back in the saddle right away, on the predetermined schedule i had set for myself. I have felt - well, worthless - and have carried a load of guilt that I'm not sure was really mine to carry. I knew that I didn't feel right. I knew that things didn't feel healed enough for me to be sitting all day long. I just thought that I was afraid of the pain - and I was - but sometimes that fear, that reluctance, is part of nature's way of keeping you from undoing two and a half weeks of healing.

Have you seen the news snippets about the 18 year old mom who killed the intruder? There's more to the story than what they were saying originally... I kept thinking that her home looked very mature for a young couple... and I kept thinking that it was so sad and tragic that her husband had just died from cancer "so young"... well, it turns out that her husband who died on christmas was 58. I'm not judging, I'm just saying. It also turns out that several things had happened over the past month, such as her dogs being poisoned and this intruder stopping by her house randomly not long after her husband died. Turns out the guy she killed was a prescription drug addict that knew her husband died of cancer and thought he could score some narcotics. Mercy. I don't know that I could live with myself if I killed another human being but I KNOW that I would do just about anything to protect my babies and definitely would have, even at 18. and I was a mom at 18.

Back before we were heathen unchurched people, when my babies were all babies we went to Tara Baptist church. (yes, Tara, like the plantation in Gone With The Wind). There was a sweet young girl who went there who just had her first baby yesterday - TEN pounds worth of baby! Yikes! Fortunately she was a planned c-section but I'm thinking at ten pounds, she was a c-section about a week late. She is precious.

Austin's married friend, remember, the one who didn't have a wedding night because they got married at the courthouse? I think I told you that this mensa candidate is expecting a child with his wife... I think she's due in May or June. I can't remember... at any rate... I woke up at 4am this morning and this young married FATHER to be is hanging out with Austin playing xbox 360. I thought we shook that element when we moved here... but... exactly six months after the fire... he tracked Austin down and got his mother to bring him out here. She will pick him up later today. I mean, I know it's a different world and truly, Logan and Hillary have turned out to be really good parents... they just play their video games while holding Dessa. A gamer doesn't necessarily make a bad parent. It's just... weird to me. Austin, however, who has spent this extra long Christmas break stuck out here with a slug of a mother has been delighted to have him here.

I'm sneezing this morning. How in the world do you catch a cold when you don't leave the house in three weeks? Sneezing while trying not to let your guts bust out of you is a really interesting process.

Ok. I think that's it. Please keep me in your prayers as there is so much uncertainty in my life because of this surgery. I'm trusting God and still anxious about the future. I shouldn't be... He never disappoints me, no matter how much I disappoint Him. It just feels like a heavy burden this morning.

Happy Friday.

thankful thursday

2012-01-05T06:40:00.000-05:00

I want you to know that I am sick of my nest. I would have never imagined that could happen because I love, love, LOVE nesting. Through all of my back pain last year, my nest was my refuge. Every day while I was struggling to stay at work, I would literally count the hours until I could come back to my nest. It was the only way I was ever truly pain free.

I can't escape the pain now. The nest doesn't take it away. The things that I entertained myself with for all those hours - all those computer games - I can't sit long enough to play. I can't focus on anything. The position that always made things comfortable with my back - hurts as bad as anything else.

And it's Thankful Thursday.
I haven't given up on going to work today. I've been up since about 3am with an upset stomach which hurts but not as bad as it's hurt in the past week or two. The problem is that every time I go to the bathroom I have to use a squirt bottle to clean up - just like after having a baby.
I'm thinking... if I pack the squirt bottle off to work with me... it just might work, at least for a few hours.
Since I'm in the back office now, I will be closer to the bathroom.
I think that a little return to normal life will do a lot for my mental well being.
Even if I'm not yet ten feet tall and bullet proof.
Even if I'm a little slower.
I've been afraid, not just of the pain, but of not being good enough at what I do to handle our competitive office setting.
It feels like a huge risk, but I have to take it. I have to risk failure. Crazy, isn't it?
When I first moved here to the mountains from Jacksonville, I was so broken. I was shocked to hear a new co-worker describe me as self-confident. I had zero confidence in myself but what I did have was a ton of God's grace and a lot of people praying for me and a determination to make a life here.
At some point over the last year I stopped living my life here. It hurt too bad. It hurt to move. It hurt to sit. It was easier (I thought) to check out and hide here in the nest than to risk pain.
Are you seeing my dilemma here? I've spent a year running away from pain... tucking myself into a smaller and smaller corner to try to avoid pain and now there's this new pain that never goes away no matter what I do. It will. This is an acute situation that will heal, eventually. That healing hasn't happened in the time frame that I gave it but it happen. But for now, until that happens, exactly what do I do with myself? What happens when you can't escape the pain?
You find a way to live your life in SPITE OF the pain.
I have less confidence than I had when I moved here but I have an even stronger testimony of how God works in SPITE OF us.
I don't know what lies ahead today. I'm supposed to move into a new office but I'm not cleared to lift anything yet.
I'm going to get a shower and pray.
I'm going to try to sit a bit and see if I can - right now it's painful but yesterday I ended up with a good hour or two that wasn't uncomfortable.
I'm going to push myself beyond what's comfortable, step beyond what I know I can do, stop hiding from the pain and take a risk.
Happy Thursday, y'all.

whiny wednesday - so sick of my nest

2012-01-04T06:29:00.000-05:00

Two weeks have gone by.
It was another "up all night" for me.
The pain is back again but not as bad.
Is that the "two steps forward, one step back" that people keep telling me about?
It's still frigid cold out - sixteen degrees.
I know a lot of you live in places where you get much colder weather - I imagine you have proper clothing for such weather. Austin could only find one long sleeved shirt in his wardrobe. I have a big thick winter coat but I can't find it. He doesn't own a coat. I've tried to buy one for him but he refuses.
Little Kitty - Trouble - has been sleeping under the covers with me which I find adorable. He has also been "helping" to undecorate the Christmas tree which is less adorable. He will search the tree... find an ornament and swat at it until it comes off the tree. He then chases the ornament down, picking it up in his mouth if possible, and carries it to his little hoard under my bed.
I want to try to go to work today. I can't sit at all right now so that is pure folly. Part of my problem is that the piriformis syndrome affects my right cheek so I can't lean to the right off center... and my sciatica affects the left side so I can't lean to the left... I sort of counter it in my recliner by sort of balancing, putting my weight more on my back but that's where there bulging discs are. I can't stay in that position for long.
I think I should have discussed more in depth with the surgeon how recovery could be impacted by my back problems. We did discuss position during surgery because I knew that if I was unconscious and they moved me in a position that put my weight or a lot of pressure on those damaged discs that I might come out with a whole lot more trouble.
They didn't and honestly, not sitting for the past two weeks has really helped my back. I haven't had near the amount of back pain that I was having. I've had some muscle spasms when I stay in one position too long but the pressure on my back has been much, much better.
In the whole scheme of things, where God works things out for our good, I wonder if these other issues causing me an extended period of rest was divine design.
The two places where the pain pump went in are both irritated again... I'm worried about those spots, especially since they oozed so much in the days after the pump came out. The doctors office said that was normal. I just don't think anything oozing is normal.
I go back to the doctor on Friday. If I could go earlier, I would. Surgeons, though, you know, have such tight schedules.
I watched a lot of caucus coverage last night. I like Rick Santorum. My fear is that nobody is strong enough to take a commanding lead for the Republican party - or that they will beat each other up so bad in the process - and we'll have four more years of Obama.
It's amazing to think about the fact that this contest last night went down to an 8 vote difference. Every vote really does count.
Austin just took the trash out in his boxers. He's on that vampire sleep schedule where he's up all night and sleeps all day. I, quite frankly, don't mind him sleeping all day as I haven't had the energy to entertain him and he is mostly quiet overnight when he's awake. I just see it as one of those teen things... rights of passage... sleeping all day and staying up all night. Soon enough his life will change and he won't be able to do that.
I've been keeping track of baby Dessa via facebook and it looks like her mom and dad are crazy about her and are taking great care of her. She has red hair - and you know what a sucker I am for little girls with red hair!
I haven't seen much of Sarabeth or Jamie since surgery. They came by to exchange Christmas gifts but they were both sort of timid around me, afraid to hurt me. Jamie's birthday party is Saturday, I hope I will be up to going. She's 7. I missed one of her birthday parties - back when we were in Jacksonvillle - and it broke my heart. I have somehow misplaced my memory card for my camera, though, and I need to find that before then. I know it's in this house because I took pictures on Christmas Eve.
I ate slightly better yesterday... yogurt and half of a kashi frozen meal. that's not really better, I guess. I just don't have any appetite nor do I have the energy to fix anything. Pretty much everything in our house is past date so I have to do some food shopping. I also need to clean out the refrigerator.
I just need to be well. That's all.

it's too cold, my head hurts, i can't eat and other complaints...

2012-01-03T05:30:00.000-05:00

I started writing a status update and it felt more like a blog entry...
I'm wide awake at 5am and I want to leave this house and go to work.
I'm tired of nesting. I never thought that would happen but I'm tired of being here in the same room 24 hours a day.
I need to go to the bank and the grocery store in a bad, bad way.
I want to go to work. Did I say that already?
I can't, though. I can't sit for more than a half hour at a time.
I can't eat. I have finally unlocked the greatest diet secret of all time: if you know it's gonna hurt like broken glass when it comes out the other end, you're very careful about what you take in.
Yesterday I ate a fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonald's.
That's it.
I've got to do better. I'm not going to heal this way. I've got to get some protein in me. I can't remember the last time I had a real meal. Sunday I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup. Saturday I had some rice. I've got to get back to work.
I have a nasty headache, can't even pick my head up off the pillow. I'm sure that's from not eating but also from not having coffee. After being up all night Sunday night I didn't want coffee, I wanted sleep.
I slept alright last night.
Little kitty woke me up a few times by patting my cheeks. It's annoying but so cute that I don't get mad at him. I think he was cold. It's really cold outside - 22 degrees - and I know that's not cold for some of y'all but it's cold for us. I'm so glad that Austin's still on Winter Break so that he doesn't have to go to the bus stop in that cold. They don't go back until Monday. They had a three week break because the new middle school is ready and they had to move into it.
It's a real pain to type laying down.
With the Iowa caucus today, Fox and Friends is on early today. It's kinda crazy the way that we let two random little states carry so much clout in our presidential elections: Iowa and New Hampshire. I don't think I have any blog readers from Iowa or New Hampshire so I think I'm safe in saying that. By the time they have finished voting, we've usually got a candidate in place... so the "big" states don't have as much of a say. Although, honestly, in this race, Romney has been the presumptive nominee for six months now. It's really more a question at this point of who will be the VP - and I'm leaning toward Marco Rubio from Florida.
It's now 21 degrees and my stomach is churning. I dread going to the bathroom so much... I can't even tell you. I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever be normal again. I'm worried about not going to work and yet, I know that there is no way I can sit for any amount of time and this morning I'm so dizzy and headache-y that I can't sit at all.
Even when I'm not in pain... all it takes is one trip to the bathroom and I'm in tears.
I know I needed the surgery... there were a lot of times that I would pass a lot of blood. It was something that had to be done. I just wasn't prepared for feeling this bad for this long. I figured... if anything ... by the time it was time to go back to work that I might be a little lazy but I had no idea that I would still literally be unable to sit.
Yet, I will say this: today is better than yesterday. Yesterday was better than the day before. I'm getting there. It just hasn't happened in MY time frame.
It's 20 degrees now. I guess the temperature will keep dropping until sun up.
I'm going to have a cup of coffee and get a shower and maybe have some oatmeal. Maybe that will get me back on track.
I also have the new Beth Moore bible study on James, I think I need to start digging into that. Maybe refreshing my soul will heal my body.
Love and hugs and Happy Tuesday, y'all.

monday update... it's been 12 days....

2012-01-02T10:46:00.000-05:00

I started a blog entry this morning but it went something like this, "I haven't had any sleep and I'm in so much pain" ... and I just kept re-writing the same idea over and over again.
So if you're wondering how I am... I haven't had any sleep and I'm in a lot of pain.
That's about all I can tell you.
My time frame for healing was different, it seems, than reality.
Everything I read about this type of surgery indicated a recovery period of 2-4 weeks. It's not two weeks yet and I'm frustrated.
I can tell improvement since this time last week.
I still am no where near being able to sit up for any length of time.
I haven't gotten my appetite back.
My sleep schedule is all off whack.
I'm in a lot of pain. You think you know... once you have kids... you think you have conquered the worst pain possible...and if you've lived with chronic pain for the past year like I have, you think... pain is pain... I can handle it.
I'm here to tell you... I can't handle it.
Like... I can't tell you how many times, just in the past twenty four hours, that I've thought... this is INSANE.. and have found myself in tears.
It was different when I had the pain pump.
It was different when I was still on the major narcotic medication.
I guess that's why I thought that I should be better... otherwise, I would have more pain pills left. Right?
The cupboards are bare. It's time to pay my first of the month bills. I'm supposed to work TOMORROW and I can't even sit up.
It really stinks.
I haven't even checked on my Farmville in days.
I haven't washed my hair in days.
And why did they move the Rose Parade to the 2nd? I was so confused about when New Year's Eve was because the Rose Parade wasn't on yesterday... so it couldn't be New Year's Day.
But today is the 2nd. So. Yesterday must have been New Year's Day.
I can't remember the last time I ate. There's a spoon with peanut butter residue on it beside my bed. Apparently, at some point, I ate peanut butter.
And seriously, I haven't had narcotics in a week. I just have been in such a haze of pain that I can't think straight.
I've taken a lot of baths... it's the only thing that helps... and poor little kitty, he gets so concerned when I'm in the tub. I guess because he is afraid of water... he makes the saddest little whimper whenever I'm in the tub... he puts his two front paws on the side of the tub and makes his little whimper until I tell him I'm ok... but he keeps his eyes on me until I get out of the tub and towel off.
So.
That's the deal.
I'm not sleeping. I'm in a lot of pain and. that's it.
Happy New Year.

ten days, still in a haze

2011-12-31T08:12:00.003-05:00

I feel worse today than I did on the first day. Every trip to the potty is a new level of hell. I'm shaky, my heart is racing and I'm regretting this in a big way. I know it needed to be done. It wasn't "elective" surgery by any stretch. It was, "take care of it in a planned way or end up in the ER with a thrombosed situation". This was better. It just... ugh. It just hurts so bad.

I'm scared that I won't be ready to go back to work on Tuesday. My job security is definitely a concern. I did get permission to have this surgery and explained that it was a 2-3 week recovery. But while I've been out I've been "demoted" in a sense - moved to the back office. It makes me feel like i need to get back as quick as I can and be one hundred percent when I get there. Which makes me really emotional, unfortunately. I've spent all of the past year held hostage in a body that doesn't work like I need it to and it's made me the lowest man on the totem pole in our office, despite my longevity with our company.

I can only play the cards I've been dealt. I didn't ask for any of these current afflictions... but that is the lot that God has given me. And I trust God, that everything works together for good for those who love Him (and I do) and are called according to His purpose. Right now my job is to heal physically. Emotionally my job is to not worry about the labels that man gives me but to trust the labels that God has given me. He knows the depths of my heart, He knows that my intentions are pure. I've been the low man on the totem pole before and it doesn't change who I am in His eyes.

There are a lot of people who rate their success on the dollar amount on their paycheck or the job title behind their name or the house they live in or the spouse on their arm. My success is based on who I am in His Kingdom and how well I am living up to His purpose for me. I know that if I seek His Kingdom and His Righteousness first, that everything else will be added to me. I've focused too much on my pain in the past year and haven't focused enough on His purpose. I have to recognize the treasures that come from my pain, the relationships that are strengthened and healed because of it... the compassion I have that I've never had before.

I love this picture of Jamie, Austin and Sarabeth - it shows how much they adore him.. and how many teenage boys will allow their little cousins to cuddle up to them?

I can't believe that it's already New Year's Eve. I can't believe that another year has flown by. I started this little blog seven years ago... right after my Jamie girl was born on the 29th... I never could have imagined what an impact this blog would have on my life, the people it would bring into my life - the blessings that God has brought into my life through this blog. And Jamie... to see her is to recognize unfiltered joy... I can't imagine a child more loving, trusting, precious... she is my heart. We had no idea at the time what a blessing she would be.

Lord willing, in 2012, Austin will graduate from high school. Lord willing, I will put more effort into the only label that really matters, being "His child". Whatever happens, wherever life takes me, I know there is a purpose. Every pain filled moment, every crisis, every disappointment has a purpose. It's my job to learn His voice so that I know which way He is directing me. I trust God with all my heart and all my life. Even with this broken down, pain filled body. It is His.

Happy New Year, y'all.

day 8, not feeling so great...

2011-12-29T06:55:00.000-05:00

I'm in a terrible amount of pain today. I can't get comfortable. I'm sitting on ice right now but I've gotta tell ya... I thought that by this point I would be much better than I am now.

I've got some things weighing heavy on my heart. I can't really share in this format but if you pray, please pray for God's blessings on us. I know He has a plan and I never doubt Him. It's just a matter of getting from the seen to the unseen. I am anticipating some big changes in my life for 2012 and I will need much spiritual fortitude to stay strong during those changes... one of them being, of course, Austin graduating from high school.

Yesterday was a good day... I had more visitors in the nest. Ryan stopped by to see me before he headed back to Pennsylvania and realized he had a serious oil leak. He called Uncle Bubba (my brother Jim) to ask who they use for car repairs... Bubba referred him to ARI in Cleveland... Ryan called AAA and got his car towed... they checked things out, fixed the problem and got him back on the road for only $53. Huge blessing!

And while he was at our place waiting for the car to be repaired, Joshy came by to pick up his drivers license (he had left it with Ryan - I'm not sure why) so Ryan and Joshy took Austin out for lunch/dinner. Austin's been so great to me during this whole ordeal. It was a real treat for him to get to spend time with his older brothers.

I've had a really hard time eating. Yesterday I had a baked sweet potato and some pretzels and that's about it. Ryan brought me back a burrito from their lunch yesterday but it was too spicy.

Austin hung out for awhile in my room with me... we watched the Price is Right. I guess he had never seen it before because he thought it was entirely entertaining. I like finding the old vintage game shows from the 70's on the game show network. Everything from the hairstyles to the clothing to the prices on things... really fun.

I'm reading Killing Lincoln by Bill O'Reilly - it was a Christmas gift. I also got a really cool food processor which Austin used to make very decent salsa yesterday - or the day before - I can't remember. It needed lime juice but we didn't have any. He didn't have a recipe... just figured out what is in salsa and put that together.

I'm still oozing from the holes where the pain pump went in... they don't look infected and don't hurt much... just... draining.

Trouble the cat has been my constant companion - except when people are around, then he gets sort of skittish. Stubby is the opposite - he's basically a piece of furniture until people come around and then he starts the "poor, disabled kitty" routine. Stubbs wouldn't leave Joshy alone yesterday. Josh was always good to the poor disabled kitty and I'm sure Stubby remembers that. Trouble literally stays glued to me... when I'm laying down, he's either beside me on the pillow or actually sleeping on top of me.

I'm going to take the Christmas specific ornaments off of my pink and purple trees and decorate them for winter/Valentine's. I love all my lights in my room.

It's very cold out. Well, cold for us. Not that it matters. It's a constant 62 degrees in the nest.

So... that's what's happening around here. Hope you're all safe, warm, happy and enjoying these last few days of 2011! Love and hugs!

Whiny Wednesday ( I think... I've lost track)

2011-12-28T07:38:00.001-05:00

I haven't been a faithful blogger this week. I was trying to spare you the moaning, groaning, belly-aching and misery. I've really just pulled all my pain inside and have just been trying to do the best I can to get ready to get back to work as soon as I can. It's not been pretty! Nor have I been pretty... I'm not sure I even combed my hair yesterday. I did change my drawers because the site where the pain pump goes in has been oozing icky slime for the past two days. The surgeon says this is normal. Excessive bodily fluids are not normal. He also said if there was infection the broad spectrum antibiotic he gave me during and after surgery would take care of things. It's next to impossible to pee so I get up a half dozen times to try before it works. Every time I poo I have to immediately get into the tub to make sure everything gets cleaned up ... there are so many little surgical sites that I want to make sure we get all the nooks and crannies cleaned up. So afraid of infection.

And in between... I sleep... I play a few games (but not many because I can't find a comfy position to use my laptop).. but sleep helps better than anything. They called in a prescription for ultram for me because I was running out of demerol and none of the Physicians Assistant's on call can prescribe whatever class of medication that is in . I'm just basically having to tough it out so I use sleep as a barrier to pain.

I wish my mama was still up here. She did such a good job of taking care of things. I really could rest and not worry about Austin doing something stupid - like leaving the door open where the cats can get out. I didn't have to talk to anyone. She kept my place clean and quiet and I could just rest. It was the best time I've had with my mom in a long time. I'm grateful she was able to come and stay and grateful that she was willing. She never complained. Jim and Angie and the girls came over yesterday and when I told him how much help mama was, he said, "I can go get her if you want me to.... "

Jim and Angie brought the girls in for us to exchange gifts and it was so much fun. I love how my family has brought Christmas to me, where I am, in my nest. I think that's a great example of the love that surrounds me. I'm blessed.

And then my sweet friend Pam went out and picked up a few odds and ends that we had run out of - things like trash bags- and picked up a prescription for me.

I haven't left the house in a week but I haven't been alone... and I think that's really awesome.

Ok... new pain meds kicking in... I've lost my train of thought... I pray that wherever you are, whatever you're facing, that you're not alone. *hugs*

Christmas in the nest

2011-12-25T04:10:00.000-05:00

my cuddle bugs....

dat pweshus wittle face

These poor fellas may be having Christmas dinner with you...

more pictures of my cats... have to continue

the Crazy Cat Lady persona

not my best parenting moment but it was funny

since I'm basically a shut-in for the next two weeks, my family came to me

my loves! those three dresses hanging behind them on my shelf are dresses that I wore when I was little. The first one I wore when I was probably under age one... the pink one I wore to Jim's kindergarten graduation, the white one I wore to my own kindergarten graduation.

this is a "you'll shoot your eye out" moment.

a wise, older lady in my church once told me that

mothers of sons get their daughters when their sons

get married. I can't imagine a sweeter girl for my Cody or a sweeter daughter for me!

same smirk, same glasses on the head... they should have been twins.

We had a good time and being with my family has really been a blessing to me.
I'm sticking close to the nest again today. The site where the pain pumps went into my skin is red, swollen and painful. I'm going to do as little as possible today and see if there's anything left from the plate that mom fixed for me at my brother's Christmas gathering.

Praying for you all a blessed and peaceful Christmas day!

The Twelve Days of Christmas are differing for me this year...

2011-12-24T06:27:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough week of liquid dieting, medical proceduring, surgery and recovering... my Christmas looks very different this year.I couldn't have done it alone. So I present for you.. the Twelve Days of Hemorrhoid Surgery.

On the first day of Hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: a liquid diet with mostly jello to eat.
On the second day of Hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: one colon prep kit
On the third day of Hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: a night on the toilet
On the fourth day of Hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: much apprehension
On the fifth day of hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: ONE COLONOSCOPY
On the sixth day of hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: back to liquid diet
On the seventh day of hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent me: NPO* after midnight
On the eighth of of hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: my mom to take care of me
On the ninth day of hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: a nurse who messed up my IV
On the tenth day of hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: a hemorrhoidectomy
On the eleventh day of hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: news that everything was ok
On the twelfth day of hemorrhoid surgery my doctors sent to me: a painful recovery

*nothing per oral - it means nothing to eat or drink

Today the pain pump comes out so it may be a struggle. My mom is heading home today. I wouldn't have made it through these first few days with just Austin to help. It's been nice to spend time with my mom without any distractions. I have also loved having her dog, Purple Oscar here to curl up with - wish we could have a dog but our schedules wouldn't allow for it. I'm really nauseous and dizzy today and the pain is much more intense... but I'm hanging in there. The pain really peaks in the last hour before I can take my next pill. At that point all I can do just try to stay distracted or lay down and take deep breaths.

Anyways... there are people all over the world who are struggling with bigger pains and bigger problems than I will ever face. This is just a season of life - recovery - and I have been surrounded with love and compassion and encouragement. I pray that whatever you're facing, that you feel those same blessings.

Coffee is ready... love and hugs, y'all.

friday update. I think it's friday. I've lost track...

2011-12-23T10:49:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling so hot today. Seriously... I have barely been out of bed. The worst part so far has been the places where they had tubes in me during surgery... my throat is raw and I can tell exactly where that stupid catheter went. I've got cotton mouth from the meds and I am congested.

So that's all the news from the nest. Ha!

Not really. There's more. My mom bought a really cool purple tree and decorated it. Trouble the cat seems to have a little more respect for the bigger tree than he did for the little pink tree. He hasn't attempted to knock this one down. We have pictures but I haven't uploaded them yet because I've been mostly in bed.

If a doctor tells you that the surgery you're about to have is "the most painful surgery we do"... take him seriously. There was no exaggeration in that statement. Even with the pain pump delivering constant local anesthesia... and the demerol... I'm still feeling a good deal of pain. You should see how pitiful I am with all the tubing from the pain pump taped all around my body and the little bowl of medicine in a little pouch hanging off my neck. Sad day.

I haven't really regained my appetite which is probably a good thing, right? Last night we had chicken enchiladas from the little bakery in town. They have these pre-packaged meals that are made by the sweet ladies that work there... it's like stuff you would take to a potluck dinner. The meals are not as cheap as what you could get in the grocery store but they're much better tasting and cheaper than what it would cost me to buy the ingredients and cook them. Not to mention that I can't really do much of anything at the moment. It's also cheaper than getting take out food. If you're local- near me-you'll have to try them out.

I can't believe that Christmas is only two days away. The present that I was most excited about for my daughter in law hasn't come yet. I ordered it from Kohl's online. I'm fairly bummed about that.

My mom and Austin have been really good about taking care of me. I'm uncomfortable but they're doing everything they can to make me comfortable. It's just going to take time, I guess. They say that the third day is always the worst. I'm sore like I've been in a car wreck.

Sorry for whining so much when it's not even Wednesday. Using the year end to fix your rear end is no fun at all. Keep me in your prayers.

Also, keep sweet Linda's daughter Mandy in your prayers. Mandy had a procedure done and ended up with sepsis. She's in critical condition... young lady, in her twenties... and very, very sick. My heart is so heavy for their family.

I have two little bouquets of flowers in little teacups on saucers. Really precious. Can you tell that the demerol is making me a little a.d.d.?

That's all for now. Love and hugs, y'all.

2011-12-22T04:54:00.001-05:00

I'm not really completely lucid yet and I don't imagine I will be for the next few days... so keep in mind that I am blogging under the influence...
I get more pain meds in about ten minutes.
The pain isn't too horrible right now, even as the meds have mostly worn off. Having the continuous local anesthesia has helped, I'm sure, although the needles for it have been really painful.
Surgery went well. I will have to have some additional surgery in a few years... but I'm good for now.
Think I'll go back to sleep now.
Love and hugs.

The Whiniest of Wednesday is yet to come...

2011-12-21T06:24:00.000-05:00

It's the whiniest of Wednesday around here! It's my surgery day and I am... at peace but apprehensive, if that makes sense.

Yesterday went fine. Everyone says the prep is the worst part of a colonoscopy and that is true... I wasn't a fan of the IV either... but other than that, no big deal. When I got to registration the man at the sign in desk noted that Dr. Lewis was doing my surgery... he said, "he's a fine, Christian man... he's my surgeon too"... and I thanked him for sharing that... "that's comforting to know, thank you for telling me that"... seriously... knowing that the person who is in charge of my care prays the same way I do... well, that's a good thing.

I had a long wait in preop...it was a little over an hour... I tried to nap but there was a lot of commotion over a guy who had a surgery scheduled and the equipment had not arrived. Apparently our hospital doesn't own the equipment for some procedures and only has it on site certain days of the week. Who knew? The person who scheduled this poor guy's surgery didn't schedule the equipment. So there was much drama and many people coming back and forth and (loudly) discussing the options. I was worried for a brief moment that his equipment was also my equipment but quickly surmised that was not the case. After that I just laid there eavesdropping.

Finally they came and took me back. The procedure itself... turn on your left side... covered with nice warm blankets... put on oxygen mask... make sure blood pressure cuff is positioned correctly... make sure heart monitor leads are not constricted... everyone makes introductions, a little pleasant small talk... the anesthesiologist says, "I'm going to put something in your IV, it works quickly" and... wake up in recovery. It was that simple. Dr. Lewis came by and said everything was fine, no polyps, no gnarly growths or anything to worry about... just hemorrhoids. The nurse comes in and tells me I need to pass gas before I can leave... she sends Bubba out of the room so I will fart... she says, "you grew up together, didn't you pass gas in front of each other?"... Not intentionally. I mean... my boys would fart out songs to each other... they would light their farts... there was no holds barred... but my immediate family was slightly less gauche. So I pass my gas, get my apple juice, get my clothes on and go home. No big deal. I wasn't even loopy.

I'm on the third day of my liquid diet. I am not loving it but I'm not really suffering. I had a little mango ice yesterday... a cup of coffee or two (black)... a good bit of apple juice and I went to sleep before 8. I woke up at 12:23 am and panicked because I wasn't supposed to have anything to eat or drink past midnight. I decided that it wasn't a big deal if I had something to drink so soon after midnight, took a big swallow of juice and poured the rest of my glass out so I didn't accidentally drink anything if I was groggy during the night.

I feel like this is such a boring entry! I'm just really distracted by my anxiety. I'm not in a cold panic or anything. I'm just apprehensive about the pain and recovery. I'm trying to sort of equate it with childbirth recovery since there are a lot of the same kind of pains... but I'll be minus the cramps, the engorgement and having to care for an infant... so this should be easier, right? I'm just ready to get this over with.

So that's my Whiny Wednesday...
Nothing to eat or drink until after surgery...
Having to get another IV...
Worrying about the pain and recovery...
And... that's it.

I'll update whenever I am lucid enough. Thanks in advance for your prayers and good wishes!
Love and hugs!

Newsday Tuesday - warning, I will discuss things that might not go well with breakfast...

2011-12-20T06:11:00.000-05:00

My Christmas to-do list is very different this year. Instead of "make sausage balls" and "mail Christmas cards"... it includes things like "bowel prep" and "colonoscopy" and "hemorrhoid surgery". Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas, indeed.

If I had to list my fears over the next two weeks they would look like this:
1. survive three days on a liquid diet
2. have the "intestinal fortitude" to drink all the colonoscopy prep stuff
3. survive colon cleansing with hemorrhoids
4. get through two mornings in a row of nothing by mouth (including coffee) (especially coffee) until time for my procedures - I won't leave the house to go to the mailbox without a drink. I drink constantly.
5. survive colonoscopy with hemorrhoids
6. survive hemorrhoid surgery
7. survive two weeks at home with a teenager on Christmas break
8. be well enough to return to work after two weeks
9. not run out of money during the time I'm out of work
10. have a good outcome

I just realized that nowhere on that list did I put "deal with the pain". I keep googling "hemorrhoidectomy recovery" and reading the horror stories. I think living with the amount of pain I've had every single day for the past year has changed my tolerance to pain. When you continue to survive the things you think are impossible to survive... you develop a pragmatism about it. I hope I don't hurt. I imagine I will. The difference is that at least I will have pain medication... instead of having doctors shake their heads and prescribe things that make me fatter but don't make me better... this surgeon is like... this will hurt and we will help with that.

I remembered to turn my alarm off last night. The alarm NEVER wakes me up, I'm always up at least an hour before it goes off. I thought... I'll be wide awake by the time I have to leave for either procedure today or tomorrow... and the next two weeks after that neither Austin and I have a reason to get out of bed. I mean... we don't have obligations. This is the first time in as long as I can remember that I've had that luxury. Any time I've not had a job I've had the need to actively search for one. When I was a stay at home mom I was a mom with three little kids and a house to keep and much to do, every day. I've never really had a vacation... and even the short trips I've taken over the last decade or so had an agenda. I was where I was for a reason and couldn't really just relax. I will not fret about anything until January 3rd. I have never been in that position. As much as I'm dreading the pain, I'm embracing the break from our busy life.

As I was saying, I remembered to turn off the alarm but Trouble the Cat has an alarm that won't quit. He started in on me at 4am... patting my cheeks, touching my eyelids, licking me... argh. I changed positions. I covered up my face. He actually took his two front paws and pulled my hand over his head so that he was making me pet him. He's going to be ... well, Trouble. He's so used to our schedule.

I made it through yesterday on my liquid diet. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be but... I made the mistake of watching a documentary on the Connecticut Hot Dog Tour. I don't even really like hotdogs but... oh... the soft bun and the chili and... man. I wanted a hot dog. My co-worker gave me a bag of homemade Christmas goodies and I didn't even peek inside. Thursday, maybe. I couldn't stomach the broth but the jello was awesome. I wanted to top it with cool whip but... it's ok. I made it through day one.

The colonoscopy prep was... ok... it wasn't as bad as I thought. You take this little pill and then wait until you go to the bathroom to start drinking the liquid. I took my little pill and FOUR HOURS LATER.. .at my usual bedtime... I was able to start drinking... everyone said the liquid was vile... I'm going to say that it was more like a salty, thick, orange gatorade. I had to drink 8 ounces every ten minutes until it was gone. I chugged my glass and then had several minutes to recover before I had to drink again. It went by faster than I thought and wasn't as bad as I thought. The results... not as painful as I had anticipated but I'm still doing what my dad refers to as "the green apple trot" this morning. The hardest part is that there is NO WARNING... by the time you realize you have to go... it's too late. I don't move fast. Good times.

My procedure today is scheduled at 11:30. Well. I have to be at the hospital at 11:30 which probably means my procedure is at 12:30. I figure an hour or less for the procedure... an hour of recovery... about 45 minutes drive home... I'll be settled back in the nest with a big bowl of jello by 3:30...

My belly is growling so loudly that it scares the cat.
So that's the news from the nest today... hope you all have a TERRIFIC Tuesday... thanks in advance for your prayers! I'll update whenever I'm lucid and able. Love and hugs!

Reasons to Love Monday - God is not dead, nor does He sleep

2011-12-19T05:47:00.002-05:00

It's a clear liquid diet for me today but fortunately, coffee is on the list of things I can have. And fortunately, my Guardian Angel, Tracey, sent me this awesome cinnamon coffee from Starbucks that is really very ok black. I would prefer to add that awesome amaretto creamer that I have in the fridge... but I'm going to stick to the plan today. I mean... anyone can survive three days on a liquid diet, right? It's not exactly what I want but it's ok.

This picture of the crazy man with the lumberjack beard and the sock monkey hat is my first born. Boo Boo will be in Atlanta this week... of course, I won't be traveling any further than my nest but I just KNOW he's gonna come see me. Right? Please? I won't have a lot of time with him but he'll get to bond with his brother and sister-in-law... he'll get to love on his grandparents. I'm just so proud of who he is that I'm very ok with the choices he makes and how he spends his time in Georgia.

The next picture is my niece Madeleine who is 4. My heart breaks every time I see a picture of her... those gorgeous big eyes... her long dark curly hair... she is one of us in a bigger way than any of us has been... I would love to take her to Babyland General and let her

see all the baby dolls... I would love to play the games with her that I play with Sarabeth and Jamie. I would love for all my girls, my precious nieces, including the big girls, Tiffany and Elizabeth... I would love for them to all be in one place at the same time. I have never met Madeleine. I've never been able to shower her with "surprises" like I have with Sarabeth and Jamie. I'm so in love with this little girl who I've never met. I wish she was a part of my life but I'm so delighted that she even exists. The world, my brother's world, without a doubt, is richer for having brought this little doll into the world.

I drove home yesterday in the bright sunshine thinking how blessed and how charmed my life is... I don't have everyone nearby that I wish was nearby... but I have so many people in my life who love me and share their lives and love with me, even if it is sometimes from a distance.

I'm facing a painful surgery - the words of the surgeon keep ringing in my head, "this is the most painful surgery we do" - but I'm not facing it alone. It's been a long time since I spent more than a few hours with my mother... and she's by no means the healthiest person in our family... but she's coming to stay with me for a few days to make sure I'm ok. To make sure that I don't have the kind of circumstances that I had with my last surgery where I was in too much pain to do anything for myself but there was no one to do anything for me. I can relax, rest, heal.

My bills are paid. My pantry is stocked. My house is cleaner than usual, even though it's not exactly *company clean*. I'm ok with that. I've bought gifts for everyone that I could. Not as much as I wish I could do but there's something for my closest family members. My niece Tiffany is looking forward to celebrating Christmas after many years of not celebrating for religious reasons. Her little boy, Ethan, (who is also has a piece of my heart) can anticipate Santa Claus coming... and she's having another little boy in about twenty more weeks! Our family keeps growing. We are so blessed. I am so blessed.

My reasons to love Monday are different this week because... it's not my usual perspective of looking out over five days ahead where I will be in pain and suffering at my desk, trying to be cheerful and kind to everyone who crosses my path while still being effective and productive, despite the pain. This Monday I'm facing a few days ahead with pain and suffering but... where I am supported medically with appropriate pain relief, where I am supported emotionally and physically by my brother, sister-in-law, mother and son. I am not alone. My greatest fear, the thing that brings me to tears quicker than anything is the feeling of being alone. I am not alone.

The song "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" has sort of been my earworm over the weekend... mainly for the line "God is not dead, nor does He sleep"... and for me, in a year where I have faced a lot of trials and frustrations... and even once felt that God had turned His back on me... that line reminds me that there is so much more going on in my life than what I can see... in this world we will have trouble but He has overcome the world... and so, in that, I love Monday because I know that I am safely in His arms.

Love and hugs...

sunday catch up

2011-12-18T09:45:00.001-05:00

I think I should have a tshirt made that says, "I survived 48 hours without internet"... but it sure wasn't easy. Even though I was at my office Christmas party Thursday night and got much accomplished Friday evening and Saturday morning... Austin can tell you how sad it was to see me sitting here playing free-cell on my internet-less computer. I'm an addict. There's no way around it.

I think I'm ready for my week of medical madness ahead. I got all the laundry put away... made a massive grocery run... cleaned out the fridge... got all the presents wrapped and grouped by family... changed the sheets on my bed... I even have a cache of canned vanilla cokes and cat litter in my trunk to take care of the needs of my boy and my furboys.

This afternoon I have to make up some jello... I was going to use the pre-made, single serve kind while I'm on my liquid diet but our store only had variations of red: cherry, strawberry, raspberry. I had to buy the old fashioned jello powder - apricot, orange, peach. I was also surprised at the limitations of popsicles (which I keep spelling "pop-sick-els", a fraudian spelling, I think)... I ended up buying mango italian ice. I couldn't have anything on the cherry/strawberry spectrum and I couldn't have anything with specks of real fruit. EVERYTHING in the popsicle aisle was either geared toward kids (i.e. red) or high end (with fruit) I bought tons of apple / white grape / white cranberry juice. That will be a treat because I rarely drink juice... too high calorie. And I have fat free chicken or beef broth. Woohoo.

I'm on the liquid diet all day tomorrow... nothing by mouth after midnight tomorrow night for the colonscopy on Tuesday at 11:30... which seems kind of extreme because if you have the first appointment you have the same "nothing by mouth" cut off. I just had the misfortune of scheduling late and having a midday appointment. At any rate... tomorrow I have the whole nasty prep to go through and I am dreading it in a huge way. Post colonoscopy I stay on the liquid diet for my surgery on Wednesday. Again, I drew the short straw because I can't have anything by mouth after midnight and my surgery isn't until 10:40. Post surgery I'm allowed to eat but then there's the whole fear of whatever goes in has to come out at some point so I won't exactly be having a steak. The last surgery I had (not counting my wisdom teeth removal) was June 2008 while I was in Jacksonville. I was basically abandoned the next day after surgery and didn't have the strength to fix anything for myself... I lived on graham crackers and apple juice that weekend. However... the graham crackers and apple juice were oddly comforting so I bought some for this week.

I've definitely pushed myself too much this weekend with all the laundry and the shopping and toting stuff and so on but... I usually make myself rest up on the weekends so that I'm able to work the next week and I only have 6 hours to work this week, so I think I'll be ok. I figure... I'll be on enough *feel good* stuff this week that my back pain will be minimized. I was worried about the impact on my back during surgery but it's a face down hips supported kind of thing so it shouldn't cause any damage to my spine.

I am now on managed care through my health insurance. Basically... managed care is when you have a chronic illness... they have an RN available to help you make decisions regarding your care. The thought behind it is that if there is a medical professional guiding you there will be a more targeted care plan. I did the initial intake with her last week over the phone and when she saw the entire list of diagnosis' that I have she was shocked that I was still working. I'm glad I had the talk with my pain doctor last week about the incentives to continue to work and how few of his patients improve when they stop working. There is something about having a goal, something to focus on, that keeps people from giving up. I want to work. I just want it to not hurt. That's realistic, right?

Today... I have to run back into town to pick up prescriptions (including the wicked colonscopy prep stuff)... need to make my jello... and... I've got a special "last meal" planned... shrimp with cilantro lime rice. I'm undecided on whether I'll watch the Tom Brady vs. Tim Tebow matchup today. My blood pressure was high all last week - Friday it never got below 150/100 - I think it's been far lower this weekend because I've been super chilled with Austin out of town but... I take everything so personally when it comes to Timmy that I'm thinking I better wait until the last five minutes to watch lest I stroke out. It's much more enjoyable to watch the post game wrap up than to actually watch him play.

So that's the news here in the nest this weekend... hope all is well with all of you! Love and hugs!

Thankful Thursday - peace on earth

2011-12-15T05:23:00.001-05:00

Peace on Earth ... good will toward men...

It's Thankful Thursday. I have just two full days and one short day to work between now and the end of the year. I wish I didn't have to do what I have to do on my time off, but I'm thankful for the resources to take care of what needs taken care of....

Santa came early here! A good friend sent us a new pillow (can't have too many... got to cushion the tukas!) a new coffee maker and Starbucks coffee! That's the kind of gift that keeps on giving! I am so overwhelmed by the generosity that is shown to Austin and I that I don't even have words... it's an amazing, beautiful thing... and I don't feel worthy...

But I did realize yesterday that the very few people who treat me or Austin unkindly - and there are a few - are such a very tiny percentage of the people we come into contact with... for the most part, our lives are filled with kindness beyond what we deserve.

Interesting, isn't it, to realize that the kindness you show to someone might just be balancing some unkindness someone else has shown? Smiling... a kind word... generosity... simple things can totally change someone's day.

At least twice yesterday I wished I had a big roll of hundred dollar bills to pass out to people who are going through hard times. It's always sad to me when people struggle to pay their bills - I have a lot of empathy because I've been there - I am there! It just seems like Christmas puts a big magnifying glass on our situations... if you're blessed, you feel those blessings more... the have nots feel an even greater void.

You really don't have to be rich to make a difference, though. I can't pay the bills for my clients who struggle but I can offer them a kind word of encouragement. I explain our billing system... let them know what the absolute latest day is that they can pay... offer the different ways to pay. And although, there are times that I feel humbled by doing a task in our agency that is typically performed by the employee with the least experience and training... without a doubt I know that God is using my talents and spiritual gifts to reach people in our community.

Sometimes we just have to get our pride out of the way for God to be able to use us as a blessing. Sometimes we just have to let go of the things/people that we think we want in our lives for God to be able to bless us.

I realized yesterday that even facing three (or more) days on a liquid diet, a colonoscopy and major surgery in the week before Christmas, thanks to an ex-husband who shall not be named, this still won't be my worst Christmas ever. Ha! In fact, this has been an incredibly peaceful holiday season for me and I am beyond thankful.

If I had continued to cling to that toxic relationship, if the series of disappointments had not happened, if I had not struggled to heal and overcome my heartbreak... I wouldn't know the kind of peace I know now.

The things I thought I wanted in my life were just things... marriage, financial security, companionship... the things I thought that relationship would bring... couldn't truly protect me from unhappiness, instead, they became the source of my unhappiness.

Peace transcends... it's like air... it flows through you and from you and surrounds you and supports you. It allows you to rebound when you come across unkindness. It gives you a confidence that anything you face, regardless how unpleasant, can't steal your joy, can't change who you are. Peace is powerful.

Peace on Earth, good will toward men isn't just a holiday platitude. It's a year round attitude. When you have true peace, you can't help but have good will toward men... and even when someone is unkind to you, you feel a sense of compassion toward them that they have some spirit within them that is preventing them from experiencing what you have... what I have.

Even when you face pain or uncertainty... you can move forward knowing that God has gone ahead and made the road easier for you.

Even when you feel "less than" or a "have not"... you can know that you have everything you need. Peace is free. It's freeing.

Even when people treat you unkindly or you feel disrespected, you can still believe in who you are, peace confirms your identity and doesn't require validation from others.

Today, this Thankful Thursday, throughout this trying year, I am thankful for peace and I am thankful for the ones in my life who have brought peace into what could have been an unhappy time for us. Above everything, I wish you peace.

I'm not whining TOO much this wednesday... just overwhelmed a bit

2011-12-14T05:52:00.000-05:00

I have traveled many miles in the past 48 hours since I last wrote a real blog entry. I feel like I'm in sprint mode now, trying to get everything wrapped up so that I can face my two medical experiences next week with peace. Even though my mom will be here... I'm so used to being self-sufficient and independent, I feel like I have to have everything one hundred percent accomplished before I start drinking the colonoscopy "juice" on Monday. I have to:

buy Austin's snacks for his retreat this weekend
make sure he's packed appropriately
find out when/where I'm supposed to pick him up, which I'm fearful is going to coincide with the time that I'm chained to the potty doing my colon cleansing (lovely picture to paint at breakfast time, right?)
I have two more presents to buy
One present that hasn't made it here yet
All presents to wrap (which I honestly do love to do... I just haven't yet)
I have to figure out what I can "eat" on my clear liquid diet and stock the house
Have to make sure Austin has easy prep food to eat for Monday and Tuesday while I'm unable to eat
Have to make sure all bills that will come due between now and the first part of January are paid
I want to get all the piles of clean laundry that are in my room folded/hung/put away
Have to call my landlady and let her know that my mom will be here with a dog and make sure that's ok (she's very sweet but does like to know what animals are here in our neighborhood)
Have to get all my new prescriptions filled, including my colon cleansing juice

And since we last left this story... I have had my pre-op visit with my surgeon, done the registration at the hospital, had Austin's "final" IEP meeting and visited the pain doctor for the last time this year. Here's a list of the info I've processed over the past two days:

One surgery might not fix things. It's possible that they will need to handle things in two different surgeries. There is a concern about scar tissue. Not happy about that.
Recovery should take about 4 weeks. I can return to work after two weeks but will likely not be able to work full days at that point.
My hospital and surgeon have been paid.
My blood pressure remains high. The bottom number is the bigger concern, it's always high.
My heart rate is still too fast but the rhythm is normal.
Both of these issues are being attributed to pain.
We are still avoiding any narcotic pain medication for my back problem. There's one medication that helps that I only take at night due to the side effects - they've come out with a longer lasting version that may give me better daytime pain relief. I've been given samples of this to try while I am out recovering from the surgery.
They called the medical supply company while I was at the office yesterday to see why they never got me the TENS unit - this is a medical device that transmits electronic impulses to the muscles to help with muscle spasms, a frequent problem I have. I could use this at work and not have "medicine head".
They don't want to attempt any future injections for me. They're costly and don't help.
It's believed that the largest contributor to my pain is the degenerative disc disease / osteoarthritis. This will continue to be a problem - or as Dr. Givogre said, "you will never have a spontaneous recovery from this condition".
I have to admit that when he said that, I had visions of people at healing services tossing away their crutches. I believe that God can do anything, even heal a busted up spine. I also know that for some people, what seems to be a disability proves to give them special ABILITY...wisdom and compassion and life experiences they would never have had without it.
My pain doctor (Dr. Givogre) is encouraging me to continue to work full time as long as I can. He said that *even though* many people go on disability and are able to collect disability with the type of problems I have... his patients on disability NEVER improve, the pain levels don't go down, and they always seem to age faster, and become depressed. He said work is a great distraction from pain. I was very encouraged by this. He also said he can prepare a report for my employer to explain my medical situation and why there are days that I absolutely just can't work... I think I'd like to have that, not that it's ever been requested but just in case.

Austin's IEP meeting went well. An IEP, for those who don't know, is an individualized education plan for a student with learning differences. He has almost always had one. His indicates certain accommodations that the school system is legally required to give him to allow him a "level playing field" so to speak. His calls for things like not having to hand write most work because his fine motor skills are poor... small group testing because he gets distracted in a large group, etc. His IEP also provides a transition plan for helping him prepare for adulthood. They make sure he can do things like balance a checkbook, budget, behave appropriately in a job interview, etc. He has come such a very long way. To have an IEP meeting and find out that he's doing well... it's a huge blessing. There were times I was certain that Austin wouldn't make it to 18 without ending up in jail or a psych ward or as a drop out. He has far exceeded my expectations... even if he does have a "solid C average". He's still in the game. That's huge. I'm extremely proud of him. His room, however, is just this side of an episode of Hoarders. Still.

I'll work full days for the rest of this week... I'll work Monday until 2:30... and that's when the sick leave begins. I know many of you are praying and many more are sending good wishes and blessings our way. Please know that I know that my life is not by chance or happenstance... I couldn't survive without your collective support and I don't take it for granted, not for one second. Thank you for caring. I always pray that God returns a blessing to anyone who blesses me...

Hope you have a great day...

short update

2011-12-13T08:22:00.002-05:00

Quick entry before time to start work...
The internet is down at home. I believe there is a widespread outage but was unable to confirm.
Yesterday went well, despite the morning appointments taking way longer than expected and getting stuck in traffic on the way back home... throw in a migraine and a extra long IEP meeting and I was toast.
Went to bed early.
Got up early and... no internet.
BUMMER.
Today I go to the pain doctor.
It's a good thing.
So anyways... that's the haps... time to start here at the office.
Pray for me. I'll pray right back for you.
Love and hugs.

Reasons to Love Monday, the World Tour.

2011-12-12T05:47:00.001-05:00

Ok... maybe the world tour is overstating things a bit... but today is going to be a very odd and disjointed day for me with a lot of driving. Driving hurts. My piriformis syndrome is particularly painful on the right cheek so when I'm using my right foot to press the gas/break it presses on that nerve.

My usual compensation to ease the pain is to lean off of that cheek and make the pressure go on the left cheek but there's a lot of sciatica pain in that part of my seat.... and we know what's going on in the bullseye....

I have to drive from our cozy little home to Gainesville to see the surgeon.... have my pre-surgical exam where they make sure the scope of the treatment and surgery is still indicated.

THEN I will drive over to the hospital (next door) and do the registration, blood work, etc...

and when that is finished... I will go to work... which is just about a half hour from the hospital...for just a couple of hours...hopefully long enough for me to do my usual stuff so that nobody else has to do it...

and then I will drive to Austin's school which is about a half hour from my office for what will probably be his last IEP (Individual Education Plan) meeting, to determine if he is still eligible for graduation and to determine his post graduation vocational plan. He will enter into a vocational rehabilitation program that will teach him very important things about what is expected by an employer and hook him up with an employer who is involved in the program.

Hire the handicapped. It's a good thing. I don't know what kind of benefits are available for employers who hire disabled people but I'm pretty sure there is some kind of tax credit for it. Must research this further.

Depending on what time the meeting ends... I may go back to the office. If it's going to mean driving the half hour back to the office to work an hour or less, I'll just go home.

It makes me tired just typing it. I'm having a lot of pain today... not just the back, I'm still having crazy cramps any time I eat or drink anything... about ten minutes later I start having horrible abdominal cramps below the belly button. I'll definitely bring that up to the surgeon today. Wonder if I could talk him into a tummy tuck at the same time? Hmmm...

Ok... end of my whining and belly aching (literally)... it's time for my Reasons to Love Monday:

1. It was a good weekend. Lots of happy bonding time with the kid and the furbabies. Lots of laughter. Lots of rest.
2. Mucho driving during the day means a very short time at the office. I love my job but it has been a painful place for me over the past year.
3. I'll be driving right by the Starbucks so I intend to stop and indulge. A pumpkin spice latte is just what I need on a disjointed day to tie my world together.
4. Starting next Monday I'm on a clear liquid diet for at least three days. I see weight loss in my future! When I get home from the surgery I'm still supposed to eat things that are "easy to pass". After my last abdominal surgery (the endometrial ablation I had in June 2008) all I wanted afterwards was apple juice and graham crackers. Since i was mostly alone afterwards, it was good that I didn't require anything more involved.
5. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Even though I haven't wrapped anything yet.
6. Austin is feeling much better and is going to school today.
7. We have worked together to keep the kitchen clean and it's been clean for a whole week! The floors... eh... not so much ... but still! OF course, clean kitchen makes me realize how much of my silverware has disappeared into the abyss of disarray in Austin's room.
8. A long time in the car means a lot of listening to Christmas music which makes me really JOYFUL! I haven't heard my favorite karaoke Christmas song: Santa Baby... but that's ok. I've heard lots of good stuff and will hear more today.
9. I love Monday because I woke up on the right side of the dirt today... I have a car that will almost certainly get me where I need to go... I can afford gas to get where I need to be... I have the money to pay the doctor and the hospital... I have the insurance to take care of what I would never have been able to afford... I have family support and encouragement... I have friends who support and encourage me... in all I do, there is a vast and diverse network of love that encircles me... it drives out the dark and gloom and enables me to face whatever I have ahead. I am blessed.

Hope you find reasons to love Monday this week, too!

letting myself go... in so many ways....

2011-12-10T12:44:00.001-05:00

It is 12:41 pm on a Saturday and I'm sitting here in my pjs with my hair uncombed and yesterday's makeup still streaking on my face and I. don't. care.

I've either achieved true apathy or I'm letting myself go.

Yesterday was a rough day.

I had one of those mini-panics of "do I go to the doctor for this infected finger thing or tough it out?" I had visions of amputation flashing through my head (hypochondriac, much?) but as it turns out, there was a ... let's call it a "misunderstanding" at the office that I was grateful to have the opportunity to at least try to defend myself on... not sure it mattered, one way or another... but as I was driving home with the durn finger still red and throbbing, I said out loud to God, "Ok. I see why I needed to stay today."

Because my prayer... my honest to God prayer was, "if I'm supposed to leave, then you'll give me a sign by having someone who isn't typically compassionate act compassionately toward me". And I gotta tell you the truth... at lunch time... I was feeling sort of "unheard" by God and others.... but as the day went by and I saw that it was necessary to defend my actions... well, not exactly then... at that point I was thinking, "HERE I AM SUFFERING with this durn rotting finger... and my back spasms and my stomach KILLING me... HERE I AM TOUGHING it out and THIS is the thanks I get?" ... but later... when I was in my quiet, reflective, "thank you God for getting me through the day" mood... then I realized why it was important for me to be there.

You know what else? I was glad, once again, that I started the day with the realization that I was desperately standing in the need of prayer. I thought it was because of my finger but in reality, it was more about my honor.

And honestly, it still might not turn out good. I take that back. I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. It still might not turn out the way that Heather, in Heather's limited wisdom plans for things to go. Even though I have the awesome example of every single crisis in my life ending up as a very God thing for me... I still worry. Isn't that nuts? It's like I still have this need to maintain control... even though that's one way to be certain that it won't work out well.

I got home... visited with my boy and my fur-boys and played a couple of hours of mindless, unproductive games until I could no longer keep my eyes open... and I collapsed into the horizontal nest (as opposed to the ninety degree angle nest) for a few hours... then got back up at 5-ish and ... here I still sit. I got up and made breakfast (scrambled eggs and toast), did a load of laundry, semi-swept the kitchen, made lunch (yellow rice and green beans. I don't know why.)... but other than that... just me in all my apathetic glory...

Marveling over God and all of His Glory...

Happy Saturday, y'all.

friday

2011-12-09T05:30:00.001-05:00

It's Friday.
I woke up at 3:15 with my birdie finger on my right hand infected. Don't ask me how that happened. I had a really big problem back when I used to get acrylic nails with my cuticles getting infected. It got so bad at one point that my cuticles were oozing, red and inflamed. This "tall man" has no obvious cuts or tears in the cuticle but it's really, seriously, can't bend it, hot, red, painful... really infected.
Grrrrreat.
Also woke up with a sore throat. Austin has been sick all week and I'm terrified of getting sick and not being able to have the surgery. Not that I'm looking forward to it, mind you, but because I know that my opportunity to do this is because of the narrow window of time... using the medical coverage with the deductible already met and having sick leave begin again if the recovery isn't as quick as I hope/want.
Donning our gay apparel.
A teacher in Michigan changed the phrase "gay apparel" to "bright apparel" after her elementary school children kept giggling when they would sing Deck the Halls. Is this new? Because I can remember giggling at "gay apparel" back when I was young. Of course, now I wonder if donning my gay apparel should mean wearing birkenstocks and failing to shave my armpits.
I'm just sayin'.
We also had a choir teacher who would scream at us if we said "in egg shell seas day oh" instead of "in excelcius deo" in the song Angels We Have Heard on High. I am still careful to sing it correctly.
One Last Christmas
Have you heard the song, "One Last Christmas" by Matthew West? I am too lazy to you tube the link for you but you must listen to it. I heard it the other day and commenced to that "ugly cry"... you know, the one where you're hiccuping and snotty and just completely lose it. Mascara alert. You've been warned.
Attorney General Eric Holder
Liar, liar, pants on fire. As long as we have politicians we will have dishonesty. I don't like it. "If my people, who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray then will I hear from Heaven and heal their land". The world is a crazy, crazy, out of whack place right now where right is wrong and wrong is right. It hurts my heart to watch the news... there is such a disregard for morality... and I continue to maintain that when abortion was legalized in this country that we opened up a floodgate of disregard for human life. Read the Old Testament and you'll see nations and tribes and people who were marked as evil because of the way they treated their young.
I'm sad that Michelle Duggar lost this new baby and it breaks my heart to see people mocking her over it. Every life is precious.
My pink tree quit working. The lights on it, I mean.
My dad painted a beautiful Christmas card. I meant to scan it so I could show you. Maybe I'll do that today. He's our Pop-casso.
Yesterday at work was extremely painful. I can't even begin to explain how bad it hurts to sit in the same chair for 8+ hours a day. My back hurts as bad/worse than it ever has. My stomach has been cramping for the past week. Then there's the other issue that will be addressed with my surgery... I've got such a sketchy schedule over the next ten days... I'm trying to hang tough as much as I can at work.
Monday I have an appointment with the surgeon, pre-op at the hospital, possibly Austin's last IEP where we meet with the work rehab counselor. This appointment is huge because what happens when Austin graduates... he transfers into the work rehab program where they help people with "differences" transition into college/career. This is the most important IEP ever. This sets the path for the rest of his life.
Tuesday I have an appointment with the pain doctor to discuss where we go from here with my disability... I'm so emotional about this. I'm so weary of hurting all the time. When you go to the doctor you expect them to do whatever it takes to make you better. When you go to the doctor and you know that they can't make it better... it's discouraging. I usually leave there in tears.
Next Thursday is our office Christmas party.
Next Friday Austin leaves for his Catalyst retreat.
The following Monday, the 19th, is the last day that I will work before my surgery. I will have to leave early because I have to start the colonoscopy prep at 3pm which will cause much unpleasantness. I start on clear liquids then and will remain on clear liquids for at least the next few days.
The 20th I have my colonoscopy.
The 21st is my surgery to remove hemorrhoids (caused by nerve damage in my back that has made it more difficult to "take care of business") and to remove any polyps or other issues they discover during the colonoscopy. I busted open the seal on my surgical orders that I am supposed to deliver to the hospital during my preop appointment. In addition to the renovations to my backdoor, they will do exploratory surgery to determine if there are any other structural defects. I don't know about you... but I'm not excited about being invaded two days in a row.
And now it's Friday. I'll be doing my wrapping on Saturday and I am very excited about that... will be putting together Austin's stuff for his retreat... and resting up for a very busy time ahead.
Hope you have a Fantastic Friday and a really awesome weekend.
Love and hugs!

What I mean when I say, "Merry Christmas"

2011-12-08T05:28:00.001-05:00

I've been saying, "Merry Christmas" to pretty much anyone I come in contact with. It used to just be a pleasantry but now, I see it as exercising my rights of free speech. Now I say it with a bit of a challenge in my voice... as if I'm offering up a password to see if the other person is "one of us".... you know, those radical evangelical conservative Christians who happen to believe that Jesus was born in a manger, died on a cross to save us from our sins and is coming back one day. Or... maybe "one of us" in the sense that they respect the rights of others to believe as I believe.

Freedom of religion is not freedom from religion. We're bending over backwards to be politically correct except when it comes to matters of the Christian faith. Why is it so bad to be a Christian all of a sudden? Why are we marveling at the fact that a young man like Tim Tebow offers acknowledgement that his talents come from God? What's so strange about believing in God, honoring God... why is that offensive?

Jehovah's Witnesses have knocked on my door ... I don't believe what they believe... I don't invite them in ... I just take their little pamphlet, thank them, offer up a "God bless you" and close my door. I don't mock them. I don't yell at them. I don't try to take away their rights. I don't mount a campaign against them. I just believe what I believe and exercise my faith in the way that I believe.

I'm not judging you by celebrating Christmas. I'm not bible thumping. I'm not trying to belittle you or make you feel inadequate or unholy. I'm a sinner who is saved by Grace. I'm no goody two shoes. I'm not perfect. I've just learned the "secret" to overcoming all my shortcomings. I know Jesus wasn't "technically" born on December 25th... but that's the day that has been set aside to honor his birth. Deal with it.

I'm not wrapped up in the materialism of Christmas. I don't go into debt buying up electronics and junk. It's a good time of year to do nice things for the people you love... whether it's a material good - or like my friend Pam who offered to take that little oil changing chore on my Christmas list and take care of it for me. Everyone in my life is safe and fed and comfortable and clothed. If I find someone who isn't, I'll take care of them to the best of my ability no matter what time of year it is.

Sure, the banana nut bread and sausage balls and fudge and holiday hams... they're awesome. I'll gladly partake. I love the lights. I love the spirit that binds us - most of us - together. I love the fact that we take a minute to count our blessings and gather with family and maybe, somewhere in the middle of it remember to honor the One who makes all that possible.

When Michelle Duggar announced that she was pregnant with her 20th child she was mocked and lambasted and ridiculed. There are millions of mothers with two or three kids who don't provide a fraction of the love and attention that Michelle pays to her kids. Millions of mothers who raise their kids on food stamps, medicaid, in government subsidized child care living in government subsidized housing. Yet a responsible mother who raises her children, pays for her children and ends up with responsible citizens who contribute to their community and world... she's a joke.

I think we've lost our balance. Jerry Sandusky molests dozens of kids and because of the reverence for a football organization, he gets away with it for years... We're holding up people like Snooki and a barely dressed Lady Gaga as role models... people don't respect the value of life... people don't respect the property of others... people assume that the government owes them a decent living... it's class warfare... war on Christmas... war on morality.

I'm just one woman with very little influence and only a couple of nickels to rub together. I come in contact with maybe a dozen or so people a day. I can't change the world but I can say Merry Christmas. And when I say Merry Christmas, I'm saying, "It's ok for me to be a Christian. It's ok for me to worship God. It's ok for me to pray - I'll even pray for you. It's ok for me to honor God for the blessings He gives to me and mine. It's ok for me to share my beliefs. It's ok for Tim Tebow to kneel in reverence. It's ok for Michelle Duggar to have as many kids as she wants. It's a Christmas tree, not a holiday tree.. And if you don't like it... that's too bad. I'm not changing in order to be politically correct." We've let go of too much already.

In the words of Michael Scott from The Office, "Happy Birthday Jesus, sorry your party is so lame".

Wonderful Windy Whiny Wednesday with my Wish List

2011-12-07T04:35:00.001-05:00

It's early morning on Wednesday... two weeks from today I'll have my surgery and I am so very glad I didn't have to postpone it. I'm really struggling... not just with the ... well, you know... but my stomach is a mess... my belly has been cramping for days and days (you've heard me complain about it several times!) my back is flared up - probably because of the weather - which means the piriformis nerve is compressed causing my right cheek to have horrible muscle spasms (not the cheek I smile with) ... and the sciatica has my left hip and cheek and leg in such agony that I'm fairly dragging that leg when I walk. I'm basically a ball of pain, all the way around from about the bottom of my bra to the bottom of my bottom.

It ain't pretty, people.... but it's Whiny Wednesday so we might as well get it out of our system, right?

Austin has the sinu-pneumo-broncho-crud and sounds horrible. He stayed out of school yesterday because I knew he'd no sooner get there than call for me to check him out. The last thing I need in the middle of my work day when I'm struggling to deal with my literal pain in the rear... is for my figurative pain in the rear to cause me to spend my lunch break on a tour of White County. No.

I made yesterday my "early day" from work so that I could get home early and bring him cold meds and tissues. I know how miserable it can be when you don't feel good and don't have access to stuff that will make you feel better. He caught a second wind after he was medicated and cleaned my kitchen all spic and span (without using spic and span) and cleaned the top layer of the hoard out of his room. It's progress.

The fun thing... while I was at the Dollar General picking up assorted potions and comfort items for Austin, I ran into Angie, Sarabeth and Jamie. I think Sarabeth is sleeping on some type of stretching device at night... she is so tall that I can no longer kiss her on the top of her sweet red head when I hug her! Jamie is growing too... I saw her first before I saw Angie and SB... she was dancing around near the front of the store as I pulled into my Princess Parking Place. She's just a little fairy flitting around from flower to flower... carefree and adorable. I got to see Angie's new car which I LOVE.

We're expecting a cold and windy day today. It will be below freezing tonight. There's a lot of water on the ground now but the wind should dry everything up before it can freeze.

How is it only Wednesday? I'm Thursday tired, I'm sure of it.

I spent Monday buying Sarabeth's Christmas on lunch. I spent yesterday buying Jamie's Christmas gift on lunch. Yesterday I got the stuff to wrap everything and I've got deliveries happening over the next week or so. I should be finished with my wrapping by the end of this weekend... and that will allow me to use the weekend while Austin is on his retreat to do the final errands and buy stocking stuffers. I'm right on track, minus Christmas cards. Not doing a good job on those. Eh... a girl can't be perfect. I'm just mega-proud of myself for getting as much done as I have under the circumstances.

When I saw Angie yesterday she asked what I wanted for Christmas... I had seriously not given it a moment's thought... I just have felt in such a place of survival that I haven't thought about luxury/comfort items. I'm just glad for every day I can do the things I need to do. When I think about what I want... it's the things that I can't do for myself more than it is STUFF. Here's my official, dream big, Whiny Wednesday wish list:

a book shelf OR Killing Lincoln by Bill O'Reilly / Beth Moore's new book on James
a food processor - not a big one, though, I can't figure out how to use them OR tomato plants planted next spring for me so we can grow our own
chia cat grass or chia herb garden. they both look fun.
my oil changed in my car - I mean, really, for someone else to take it to the oil change place and wait with it. I can't bear to sit in those hard chairs
oh... speaking of hard chairs... pillows. I've got a ton but I need more since I'm going to be sitting on them for a month or more... I'm going to need a pillow for every port.
a new coffee pot. the automatic "off" feature no longer works on mine and I have to remember to turn it off every morning before I leave for work
warm fuzzy socks and/or warm fuzzy slippers
big comfy sweatshirts
anything Starbucks related

And... that's enough. Anything from that list would equal GPS or rice cooker "best gift ever" status.
Hope you all have a Wonderful Windy Wednesday. Love and hugs!

Newsday Tuesday, hold your babies close

2011-12-06T04:58:00.000-05:00

Newsday Tuesday and the biggest news is ....

Iridessa Skye Guinn has arrived!
She was born 12/05/11
at 6:06pm weighing
5 lbs, 6oz

She is a miracle. It's so surreal... it seems like a lifetime ago that these two kids were dealing with this crisis pregnancy, trying to navigate some rough waters with their families about baby Dessa... and one thing that stayed steadfast and true, no matter what the consequences they faced, Logan and Hillary wanted this baby. Before they knew it was a girl, before they knew how they would manage to raise her. They still may not know how... but they knew they loved her and wanted to give her life. It hasn't been easy. Even now, Dessa is in NICU because her blood sugars are unstable. All I know is that any life that God creates deserves a chance to be born... and then to grow surrounded by love... Every life matters.

There's a news story right now here in Atlanta about a 7 year old girl who was kidnapped, sexually assaulted and discarded into a dumpster. From the mother who allowed her child to play without supervision to the evil creature who harmed this precious child... there was a serious disconnection of comprehension of how precious life is.

For me... it would be like allowing my little niece Jamie... with all her bubbly sweet innocence... to be put in a place where anyone or anything could harm her. How could you let your child out of your sight? Even now... with Austin nearly grown... I worry when I don't know where he is or what he is doing. God's grace allows me peace with the things that I can no longer control where my children are concerned but... I can't help but worry and wonder about the babies that I brought into this world...

To have a child is to forever have your heart walking around outside of your body.

There is a young boy in Jacksonville who violently pushed his little brother into a bookshelf. While the little boy laid unconscious, his mother searched "loss of consciousness" and "concussion" on the internet... downloaded music... checked several other websites...for several hours instead of calling 9-1-1. Her two year old died and her 12 year old son is on trial for murder. As a mom, you can't always keep your kids from fighting but she failed to protect both of her children.... the baby, by not calling for medical assistance that would have probably saved his life... and the older child, by putting him in a position where the consequences were far more severe than they had to be.

My Boo... my oldest son... will be in Georgia for Christmas... so although I'll be pretty much confined to my nest for the duration, I'll at least get to see him.

My mom will be coming to stay with us when I have my surgery. That will make a huge difference. I worried about how mobile I would be and whether I would be able to do anything. I've been searching the internet for testimonials about the recovery from this surgery and they all consistently say that the pain is horrible for the first week or so. I'm anxious. Trusting God but anxious.

Our landlady had a huge party over the weekend and shared the leftovers with our neighbors upstairs who shared them with us... turkey, dressing, green beans... mmmm! And one of our clients brought banana nut bread yesterday... also very mmmm!

As I was sitting in the parking lot of a busy shopping center in Cornelia yesterday (the old Walmart) eating a banana and listening to Rush Limbaugh, this man approached my car and wanted to engage me in conversation. I was parked far away from any other cars and my window was down because the weather was mild and I had just been chatting with a coworker who was in the same parking lot... she pulled up beside me and we chatted. So... it was very unsettling. I made haste to get away from that situation.

My stomach is still very unsettled but yesterday, all day at work... my tummy was fine. My back was pretty out of whack for most of the afternoon but I was stronger than I thought I would/could be. Every day is a blessing. Every day that I can do what I need to do... blessing. Every day that I am not strong enough in my own body and have to rely on God... still a blessing.

I wanted you to be able to hear this beautiful song by Christian Artist Sandi Patty... I tried to find a youtube of her performing it but all I could find were these tributes created by mothers for their little ones. Made me kind of mushy... I used to sing this to my babies... it's based on Psalm 139, the chapter I was learning this year... I gave up right around the time of the fire. I'm determined to finish by the end of the year ANYWAYS.

So that's all the news from the nest and beyond... praying that you have a wonderful Tuesday!

Reasons to CONQUER Monday

2011-12-05T04:57:00.001-05:00

It's beginning to look a lot like... Monday. Ugh.
Monday... when the starting gun goes off and I climb onto the hamster wheel that is my life... the never ending cycle of work / sleep / work / sleep and the never ending struggle to balance enough pain relief to be able to work with enough cognition to sustain a home and raise my child.
I ended exhausted last week... after only four days... the pain was so excruciating by Friday that I made my call of shame. Undoubtedly, I'll have a heavier work load today because of not working Friday... in addition to the mental stress and - as I explained on Friday - the guilt and shame that accompany the pain. I'm embarrassed that I can't do all the things I need to do. I'm embarrassed of my shortcomings.

Today the pain level is pretty high. I hate the stupid numbers that the doctors ask to you give to your pain... 0 being pain free and 10 being the worst pain you've ever felt. I always say 7. It's a ridiculous system.

At the risk of becoming that bitter person that people avoid... let's jump into our Reasons to Love Monday. There have to be some, right?

1. Mild temperatures. Not too cold. Not hot. Lower humidity. No frost to scrape from the windshield. Just a cute cardigan over my outfit - not a bulky coat. No muscle spasms when I step outside.

2. Tim Tebow. Despite all the naysayers, all the people who mock him for his passion and his faith, despite the disrespect of people who call him "Teblow" or "Tebag" this man continues to humbly, courageously speak out about his faith and continues to give God all the glory for his success. I think the fact that he doesn't have the best throwing motion... the fact that there's no reason he should be succeeding... is the beauty of his story. David and Goliath. Timmy Tebow shouldn't be a successful NFL quarterback... but he is. And I'm encouraged by his success.

3. I think maybe that's where I've been remiss over the past year. I've been looking for people who are worse off than me so that I can say, "I may have it bad but look at this person!" when instead, I need to be looking at people who are succeeding, who are better off and not necessarily COVET their situation but watch for people who have turned suffering into a platform to give encouragement to others... when you can turn your suffering into something that glorifies God... that's amazing.

4. We accomplished a lot over the past weekend. I still need to get my Christmas cards in the mail but I've gone such a long way toward the gift shopping. I still need to find a few odds and ends... and I need to find Austin swim trunks for his retreat... but God has been good to me. Austin has been cooperative and compassionate and just a huge blessing to me over the past few days.

5. I woke up with horrible stomach cramps... got up several times during the night ... my first steps this morning were among the most painful I've ever had with this (let's call it a TEN!) and I started my morning in tears. While I've been writing this post I've had to scurry to the loo four times... and while that may not seem like a reason to love Monday... the stomach cramps ARE easing up. The hemorrhoids... oy vey.

6. It's my kids' dad's birthday today. He may not have been all that I needed him to be... but if you had asked me ten years ago, I wouldn't have expected him to be where he is now, healthy enough to work full time. If not for him, I wouldn't have the three awesome boys that I do.

7. Trouble is cuddling a green tomato that I had left on the counter. He's the oddest, funniest cat I have ever seen... from the way he waits outside Austin's door for him to come and play... to the way he plays fetch like a dog. He's brought a lot of joy into our house.

I praise God for this season of life. I praise Him that I am still able to work, that I have a job to go to and a car to take me there. I have not lived up to my expectations or aspirations since this season of life began but I am doing things that many who are living with pain are unable or unwilling to do. I embrace the concept that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that nothing that is happening in my life is a surprise to God. My goal is to use my situation to encourage others. My goal is to give words to others who are struggling and can't find the words to explain to the people they love that "*just because* I'm not able to meet the social obligations in my life, doesn't mean that I don't love you and don't want to see you". My goal is to help people to grade on a curve... to understand that the person living with chronic illness may not be doing the best of everyone you know... but they may just be doing the best that THEY can do. Honor those efforts for the people in your life who are living with pain. Acknowledge their efforts.

Alright y'all... get out there and conquer Monday! Love and hugs!

More Crazy Cat Lady Photos...

2011-12-04T10:24:00.000-05:00

My thrilling (not so much) Saturday

2011-12-03T18:18:00.001-05:00

I realized today that I have thirty pictures of my cats on my camera waiting to be uploaded. All cats. Nothing else. In a week. I am THAT crazy cat lady. And I think it's ok.

The pain has been much better today, thank you for asking. I've gotten so used to the people I see everyday or very often not really asking... then last week when I went to the doctor, when I came back to work a new co-worker asked, "how did your doctor visit go?" I'm so used to not being asked that I was unintentionally evasive and negative, "my doctor visits never go well". But I silently thanked God that someone asked. It was heart warming.

If you missed my facebook status update today, Austin DID pass his final portion of the graduation test. If he manages to pass the rest of his classes he will graduate in May. It seems so surreal. He is sometimes so grown that I can hardly believe it... and other times he is so immature and uncooperative that I feel like it's still the same Austin I've always lived with... especially when he and Trouble get each other wound up. My goodness! That cat adores that boy. It's ridiculous. When I finally upload some of the 30 pictures I have taken of the cat in the past week, you'll see Austin treating Trouble like a marionette. And Trouble purrs like crazy the whole time... and then whines outside of Austin's room when Austin goes away.

My friend Pam's daughter, Olivia, did our grocery shopping for us last night and they delivered our groceries to the house. It was such a huge blessing for me! This is Olivia's new business - forget babysitting - the girl is a grocery shopping champ! (not that she wouldn't be a great babysitter, too, I just don't have NEED for a babysitter. mostly.) She even knew to get a rain check for us for the sale item on my list that the store was out of. We will DEFINITELY take advantage of this in the future. I'm thinking when I have my surgery especially. She charges ten percent of the grocery bill for her services and a small fee for gas... totally worth it, especially when I'm in need of heavier things like milk and juice and soda and canned goods. I just used the grocery store sale ad to help me make a list... and they showed up with the groceries a few hours later ... it was that easy!

Austin *just happened* to be awake this morning when I was heading out to the bakery and to pick up his breakfast. I decided to take advantage of his wakefulness (is that a word?) to make a Walmart run for a few necessities. We were able to pick up a spare bag of cat food...I buy the biggest bags they sell - finally figured out that it's cheaper that way - only I can't pick them UP, so I need Austin with me. We have enough for the next week or two but would run out about the time that I am recuperating. So now we have plenty. Plus... if we get any wintry weather we are more likely to be unable to get out than we were when we lived in town. There are more curves and hills where we live now and I'm SURE they don't plow our little dirt road so we are STOCKED up on cat food, dried beans, rice, etc. I mean to stock up on shelf stable milk as well, more for use in cooking than drinking.

We bought a few gifts while we were at Walmart and looked for a new jacket for Austin as he has outgrown all of his. We did not find a new jacket. I ended up buying one for him online at Kohls.com - they also had a great sale online so I was able to buy Cody and Marquee's gifts and a very small, cheap trinket for myself... I found EXACTLY what I wanted for my mom and dad at Walmart so they're set... I need to buy Ryan and Sara's gifts (which I will probably buy online so I can ship directly to them, assuming they're going to be in Pennsylvania for Christmas) and I've still got to get Jim, Angie, Sarabeth and Jamie's gifts.... which I plan to do tomorrow, hopefully, and then I will be through. I couldn't do a lot for anyone and I couldn't do for as many people as I would like to gift... but it was really important to me to have the shopping finished early. And to be stockpiled on cat food so we don't run out while I'm recovering and unable to drive... so the Walmart run was perfectly timed.

While we were in Walmart Austin wanted to get a surprise for Sarabeth, Jamie and Jorjann to give them during the retreat they're going on in mid-December. I think I've mentioned... the Catalyst class is doing a retreat in Pigeon Forge and Jim and Angie will be the worship leaders. Since Jorjann's mom, Natalie, is the Catalyst teacher, all three of my not-so-little-anymore nieces will be there. He picked out something really cute for them that was only $3 each.. and I was so impressed that he thought about the girls that I had to indulge him. He really is a good cousin.

I wanted to find a thank you card for my aunt and uncle who made it possible for me to go ahead and have my surgery... I found one that was so incredibly perfect that I was giddy! I can't tell you what it says yet because I don't want to ruin the surprise for them... it's just hard to find a card that says, "thank you for making it possible for me to have my hemorrhoid surgery"... and I did!

Austin and I went to the bakery and picked up a few little necessary items. Ok. Not absolutely necessary but "make life a little sweeter" necessary. He asked Nancy, the lady who manages the bakery, as she was slicing our loaf of cheddar bread, "how much bread dust do you think you guys generate over the course of a year?" She didn't know. We mulled it over a little further on the way home and decided that there should be a law firm soliciting lawsuits for people who worked in bakeries and developed "yeast-o-thelioma".

I have a new tv obsession - "How I Met Your Mother". I seem to never watch shows until they reach syndication. I guess it's my way of not committing to a program until I know that the story is going to have a couple of seasons to play out. I watched six hours of HIMYM yesterday. RIDICULOUS. I am absolutely infatuated with Neil Patrick Harris... not in a romantic sense but in that category I have where I would like to have him sit on a shelf in my house so I could be occasionally entertained. I guess... in a way... having him on tv is like that... hmmmm...

Sorry Dawgs... LSU is going to remain #1 and win the SEC Championship. That's my prediction now that we're in the 3rd quarter. I watched an awesome basketball game between North Carolina and Kentucky today... it went down to the final second. It was muy exciting.

My Steel Magnolia, Great Aunt Bette came through her surgery to repair her broken hip with flying colors. The doctor was reportedly impressed with how healthy her bones are... and how devoted her family is. Aunt Bette had four boys and a girl, just like my family, and her only daughter died tragically back in 2007... but she has some fabulous granddaughters that take awesome care of her (and daughters in law, too) and I know she'll be fine. The picture above is one I snagged from my cousin (second cousin, I guess, as our parents are cousins) ... this was Aunt Bette's birthday last year. That's my sweet little grandma on the back row, on the far right. Aunt Bette is in the middle between the little girls in the front. I haven't seen Grandma and Aunt Bette together too often but they do seem to coordinate their outfits somehow.

SO that's my Saturday... hope you're having a great weekend. Love and hugs, y'all.

the call of shame

2011-12-02T07:58:00.001-05:00

I'm way later than usual writing my blog today... I woke up at my usual 4am... actually, I woke up at 3:15 because Trouble doesn't seem to understand that time has changed... or maybe he does and doesn't care... and he so very gently and sweetly patted my face until I said, "baby kitty mommy is still seepy night night not time for num nums" because, obviously, cats don't understand plain English, you have to make it sound like baby talk for them to understand... anyways... I woke up ... played a few games, you know, tended my farm and my city and my castle and all that... and realized that I was 1) falling asleep and 2) in a great deal of pain... so I went back to bed. I woke back up at 6:30, got the kid up and off for school and decided that a shower and a prayer would heal what ails me. I put the steel cut oats in the rice cooker (thanks Pop for the steel cut oats in the pantry, we ran out and I was so happy to find that box waiting for me!) (thanks Jim and Angie for the rice cooker. you need one!) and got my shower.

Post shower I was in too much pain to lift my leg over the side of the tub. Not a good thing. I worked it out but it took a few minutes. I decided that if I ate I would feel better... ummmm... nope. True to form... my belly is aching so bad... and anything I eat makes me feel like it's about to reappear quickly... "Hasten, Jason, grab the basin"... (I don't know where i heard that. probably from my dad who is corny like that).

This is out of context but here's what happened: yesterday morning when I was leaving for work in the sub-freezing temps (29 degrees) Trouble got out. After losing Bitty earlier this year... I was not about to let another one of my fur babies become bear food... I took off running after him. Bad idea. I lunged back and forth while he wiggled from my grasp and felt the impact in my spine... but I needed to go to work. I'm missing so much work with the surgery and I am just afraid to not go. I went to work yesterday and prayed and ibuprofen'd my way through the day but it was not easy. Or pleasant. I just kept going. This morning, just like the day after a car wreck, my body is screaming from the abuse of yesterday. I hurt so bad.

And there's the continual stomach cramps that are killing me... I'll see the surgeon on the 12th and the pain doctor on the 13th and my regular doctors have both left the practice so I really don't want to try to go to the doctor and see someone I don't know... but between the bellyachin' and the backachin'... I feel like I'm wrapped tight in a corset of pain.

So.... long story short... I made the call of shame this morning and I'm here in the nest in my fuzzy grinch sleep pants and a tshirt that belongs to austin - he will complain that I'm wearing it because he says I stretch his shirts out WHATEVER... I took my end of day meds in hopes of relieving this pain... (which is ok, the doctor prescribes it so that I can take it all day but I only take it all day when I'm not going to be driving or working or whatever).

Is this my worst blog post ever? I feel like this is one big long whine.
Let's change the subject... enough about my aches and pains... I want to ask you to pray for two people who are going through more than me... Rebecca, who is going through treatment for her MS... she has young children... and she will be in the hospital for the next ten days (I think, if I've put the story together right).. which I just can't even imagine... being away from your little ones during the magic of Christmastime... there is so much responsibility on moms during December. Please keep her in your prayers. And my Steel Magnolia, Great Aunt Bette has broken her hip and isn't doing well. Aunt Bette is one of the most precious, loving, strong and beautiful people I know and it breaks my heart for her to be in pain.

I've always said that the holidays put a giant magnifying glass on everything... if you're happy and content and joyful and surrounded by family... you feel even more joy over the holidays. If you're lonely and in pain and struggling, you are more acutely aware during the holidays. I am feeling much less stress this year than most but I am feeling less engaged in the world around me as well. Whenever I hurt too much to accomplish what I consider the basics: going to work and taking care of my home/kid... I feel so much guilt and shame.

Anyways... so I'm home. I'll spend the weekend pulling myself together as best I can and will get right back on the hamster wheel on Monday. Love and hugs, y'all.

thankful for little boys who grow into soldiers... and that they return safely from war

2011-12-01T04:40:00.001-05:00

I always cry when soldiers return from war.... whether I see it on the news or witness it in the airport... it always makes me cry. So when I saw this picture of Cody's lifelong friend Jimmy Lee newly returned from Iraq, reuniting with his little sister, Lauren (aka Lulu)... I was like the Grinch and my heart swelled to three times it's normal size. When we met their family Lauren was three weeks old. Seriously. She was a tiny baby. Jimmy Lee was a little bitty kid - so small his football helmet barely fit him.

So above anything else that I may find myself thankful for today on this Thankful Thursday, I'm thankful for Jimmy Lee's reunion with his loving family... for his safety... and courage... and that great kids like him are protecting our country.

I'm thankful that my own babies are safe... that they had a childhood filled with great memories and great friends like Jimmy Lee and Lulu. Lulu was always my "potty buddy" when we were at the ballfield... we had hundreds of walks to the bathroom... and chats along the way. She also kept a close eye on Auggie... aka "Lostin"... if I would lose track of him, she could always find him.

I'm thankful today for blessings beyond what I deserve. I always check my two bank accounts before payday and figure out what I have to pay and what I CAN pay and so on... I'm watching even more carefully this month because I'll be out of work for at least two weeks with the surgery and I'm trying to buy Christmas gifts for those closest to me. Two things that would normally be a huge upset to my budget. There was less wiggle room than I thought there would be when I checked my account yesterday... and I was driving home yesterday praying that God would help me figure out a way to make it all work. Then, in the mail, a blessing that I knew was coming... was a bigger blessing than I had thought... even before I knew I needed it, the extra was there all along. It gave me chills, made me cry, and confirmed for me, once again, that there is a God and He really does like me.

And Austin, true to form, said, "does this mean I can get TWO games for Christmas?" *eyeroll*

Surgery is scheduled for three weeks from yesterday. Coming quickly. I've got less fear about it than I did originally. I'm not thrilled that it's coming so close but I'm glad that it isn't being put off. Especially with the new/different/worse pain I've had over the past couple of days. It's time for something to be done.

I've got so much peace about this Christmas. It's like... knowing that I'll still be 100% homebound and still on a pain pump on Christmas day takes away any and all pressure for that day. I don't have to worry about who I will spend it with... I don't have the pressure to cook and clean and wear myself out making a Norman Rockwell Christmas for us. I don't have to worry about driving to the south side of town... I can just chill in my nest. My goal is to have any and all Christmas shopping done by the end of this weekend... groceries bought... then I will have two more weekends to take care of any extraneous "oops, I forgot" things taken care of. Austin will be gone on a retreat the weekend before my surgery so he'll be virtually no help for those last minute cleaning and shopping chores.

I'm thankful that it's Thursday. We had computer problems all day yesterday and I was in a lot of crampy pain and I just really wanted to leave. I felt unproductive and felt like I was pushing too hard. My back was killing me. My stomach was killing me. I wanted to be home in my nest. I'm thankful I stuck it out. I pray that I'll have the strength to stick it out again today.

I hope you all have a great Thursday... happy December! Merry Christmas! Love and hugs!

It's Whiny Wednesday and I have plenty to complain about...

2011-11-30T06:01:00.001-05:00

It's Whiny Wednesday and I don't know that I have enough time to complain about all the things I want to complain about today.... but I'll give it my best shot.

My stomach hurts. Hurts. Crampy. Searing. Wake-you-from-a-sound-sleep kind of pain. It has hurt like this for days. It hurt all day yesterday at work but I was too busy to so much as stop and go to the bathroom. I had so many projects I was working on simultaneously that I really wanted to cry but I didn't have time to cry. It's frustrating. I was in the midst of the end of the day bank deposit (counting somebody else's money is a huge responsibility in my book and I like to make it my only focus when I'm doing it) and in the ten minutes I tried to devote to that I had two people call about their payment problems - both involved very involved explanations - a third person that called with the same issue that my kind co-worker handled for me, I got a new customer to quote for home and auto on minimal information (and it needed to be done in the twenty minutes before I had to leave to go to the bank) and I had a teenager on the phone (mine) asking me to stop and pick up pizza on my way home from work. If there was ever a calgon moment... there it was.

And it was cold and damp. Not only did my stomach hurt... my back hurt... everything in me that is arthritic hurts sooooo bad in the cold. I wanted to cry again as soon as I left for the bank... and because I'm short and my car is low to the ground and I don't have the ability any more to do much of a side-to-side movement, I have to put my car in park and unbuckle and get out of my car to drop off the deposit. I haven't complained. I just do it. It hurts, especially when it's cold and damp. It's a little skeeeery now that it's practically dark when we leave but... I just trust God to protect me. It's the closest thing we have in our little corner of the world to rush hour and it's a pain to avoid the people who try to get in the turning lane too early... or the people who change lanes without signaling... or the people who are doing thirty miles over the speed limit. It was unfun but it's one of those responsibilities that I'm only the back up on so I don't have to do it often.

I had to ask Austin over a dozen times to change the litter box. I had asked him on Sunday. And Monday. And finally, yesterday, I decided I would keep asking every five minutes until he did it.

I had no appetite so I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner. We're out of creamer so I had hot chocolate instead of coffee this morning. (the hot chocolate was really awesome, though). My lunch yesterday was a horrible choice, I just couldn't find any of my rubbermaid containers to pack a lunch in... since someone takes all my dishes into his hoard and I never see them again. If my back didn't hurt so bad and if I didn't know that seeing his room a mess would make me have an irresistible urge to start cleaning I'd go in there and reclaim my dishes. We're down to two forks and two spoons and one bowl and three coffee mugs. It. drives. me. nuts.

I got an email from the school that Austin hadn't turned in a major project for Economics. He has to pass Economics to graduate. He told his teacher that he and I were working on it at home and he forgot to bring it in. We aren't. He told me that he wasn't worried because it's "only a test grade" and he has a high enough average to still pass without doing that project. I'm so proud. Shortcuts. This is a kid who is going to be basically unemployable and I'm living in a body that is falling apart by the minute. Can you imagine the amount of stress that puts on me? Save your cardboard, friends, we're going to be living in a box under a bridge in the near future.

AND... and... he yelled at me for waking him up this morning. I would say that was probably the number one biggest problem I had with his father... the man simply would not/could not wake up in the morning. You had to physically touch him to rouse him from sleep but if you did, he came up swinging. I had to shake him and run in the other direction every single work day of my life. Austin is usually good at waking up but this morning... he's a grouch.

Anyways... I'm going to go to work, turn in my payroll, do as much as I can of the things that are my responsibility and tough it out as long as I can, as long as my stomach will cooperate. The cramps I can handle because I've been living with pain for so long.... it's the ... ugh... that might get the best of me.

AND... one last thought because I heard this earlier and thought it was spot on... Obama campaigned on "hope and change" and has spent the past three years complaining about how the economy is bad because he inherited it from the previous administration. If we (and by we I mean "not me") hired him to change things from the way they were during the Bush Administration... he obviously was not able to do what he promised to do, right? If it's all still the same way it was...

I'm jes' sayin'...

So that's my Wednesday... whiny enough for you? Oh wait, one more thing... I support your right to decorate your yard in a harvest theme... the hay bales and pumpkins, etc are precious... I just have a problem with the mixing of the harvest theme and Christmas theme. It's confusing.

Ok. That's all. Have a good day, y'all. Love and hugs.

newsday Tuesday

2011-11-29T06:08:00.001-05:00

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

We're expecting snow today. Not the kind of snow that makes our untreated roads skating rinks... just pretty, non-accumulatin' kind of snow. I'm sort of excited about it. The accumulatin' is supposed to happen above 2500 feet elevation. I think we're at 3000 feet but Austin (who obsesses over my GPS) says we're around 2400. Either way, it will fall and be pretty.

I'm still recovering from yesterday. We're now an office of six: Duane plus five agents in various stages of licensing and staff agreements. Yesterday we were D plus two... myself (who wasn't feeling one hundred percent, as usual) plus a licensed agent who is new to us and not fully State Farm trained and appointed. There is a lot she can't do yet. It was a taxing day. I took a short lunch and just kept going.

I went home from work - it's dark now on my way home - and crashed. Austin had leftover turkey and this chicken flavored rice a roni type stuff that he cooked in the rice cooker.

We really do use our rice cooker a lot.

My appetite is ... weird. I can't eat much. I had a baked sweet potato for breakfast, two mcdonalds hamburger's (the kid sized) for lunch... a plate of rice and a bowl of raisin bran for dinner. I've been eating like that a lot lately. I can handle about a 1/2 cup to a 1 cup of food and after that I'm in pain. Even with the burgers for lunch I had wicked heartburn all afternoon and could have thrown up a couple of times. I pushed through it. I was the only one who could do the bank deposit. I had to stay. I didn't let on how miserable I was. I even walked out into the rain to the mailbox to check the mail... last week, after I mentioned the trouble I was having walking, a sweet co-worker volunteered to do it. It almost made me cry. Compassion does that for me. She wasn't there yesterday and I didn't want to humble myself again having to ask for help.

My belly hurts this morning and I haven't eaten anything at all. I have had a cup of coffee.I'd be more worried about the belly-aching if I wasn't already scheduled for a colonoscopy on the 20th.

I'm afraid our friend Herman Cain is done. I think you just about have to be a narcissist to believe you can be President of the United States. It requires a huge sense of self confidence. Very few humble men become great leaders... that's a shame... because they would make better leaders. There's no limit to what you can accomplish if you don't care who gets the credit. (that's not my quote but I heard it somewhere and really believe it). I think most men in leadership position have - at some point or to some level - have done something questionable in the way of abusing their power. I learned - in a very difficult way - that narcissists believe that they live by a separate set of rules than the rest of the world. At any rate... if Herman Cain were a liberal, he would be electable no matter what. The conservative base of the Republican Party isn't going to support someone of questionable moral character. No matter how wise he may be. And I'm less convinced of his wisdom. Bill Clinton and his bimbo eruptions were acceptable because he was a liberal. He may have been a decent leader but for me, he'll always be an unfaithful husband. Men who cheat on their wives will cheat on anything. Just my experience.

What our country needs is a humble, man of God who will seek God's guidance for this country. And that kind of man could never be elected these days because people are too afraid to bring an evangelical Christian into office. People are afraid of losing their "right to choose" or are afraid of losing the separation of church and state. The thing is... our founding fathers wanted a freedom from a state mandated religion, not an absence of religion. When you take anything outside of God's will, you introduce a limitless number of frustrating conflicts and confusion. When you keep something within God's will, you find supernatural abundance of peace and perfection. That's just been my experience.

In other news... Trouble has started sleeping with his head on the pillow beside me. He kind of curls around the end of the pillow and lays his head on it. He pats me on the cheek to wake me up. It's the sweetest thing. Not so sweet was the fact that he just drank out of my coffee mug. Ugh. He's rotten.

Austin's going to want me to drive him to school again today and it ain't happening.

The neighbors upstairs are continuing to have trouble with their daughter. The fighting got pretty loud on Sunday. I felt so bad for them - all of them. It's so hard when you feel estranged from your children... thats a real heartache. I've been praying for peace for them. The police came Sunday night.

And... I guess that's about all the news for today... hope you all have a beautiful day and that you feel love, joy, peace... all the good things. Love and hugs.

Reasons To Love Monday

2011-11-28T05:31:00.001-05:00

I don't.
I don't love Monday this week.
It's raining and I'm congested and everything in my body that has arthritis in it is aching and sore.
I am sleepy. I want to do what I did yesterday and climb back in bed until 8am. That won't work.
It's raining which means I'll need to drive Austin to school... on the other side of the county... making my commute go from 15 minutes to an hour. In the rain.
I'm pretty sure I have a fever.
And those are the reasons I don't love Monday.
Here are a few reasons I DO LOVE MONDAY:
1. I have cute clothes to wear...
2. My car runs and has a full gas tank
3. My job involves relatively no physical labor - it may hurt to sit, hurt to walk to the printer, etc... but for the most part - easy.
4. We'll be busy today... traditionally the Monday after a holiday weekend is busy and we have two people scheduled to be off today... busy means that time passes quickly
5. NO STAFF MEETING this morning! Woohoo!
6. Trouble has finally accepted the pink Christmas tree as part of our decor. He hasn't knocked it down in 24 hours or so.
7. I slept GREAT last night. I left the windows open and it rained so I listened to the rhythm of the falling rain all night.
8. We're getting closer to Christmas - and even though this Christmas will be very different for me - it's still a holy remembrance of the birth of My Savior and that's precious, no matter what else is going on.
9. We have a lot of food ready in the fridge that I cooked over the weekend... we have turkey and black beans and chicken and rice... we can put together a decent meal in five minutes which will make the evening - end of day - too tired to cook - situation much easier to deal with.
10. The kitchen is clean - Austin and I worked together last night to climb up all the mess and take out all the trash.
11. I'm still able to work. I don't know if I will always be able to do the things I need to do but today, I can get dressed and drive to the office and have the mental ability to answer questions confidently, to sell confidently, to do all the things I'm called to do.
12. Joel Osteen stays to treat every day like Friday... so I'm gonna get up and head out with a positive outlook and cherish every single day.

Have a great week, y'all!

Ain't No Shame in my Game

2011-11-27T16:28:00.001-05:00

Well. It's a done deal. I will be having surgery on December 21st. You might call it a major "back porch renovation". I've been sort of euphemistic about the nature and scope of my issues because it's a sensitive subject... but let's call a spade a spade: I'm having hemorrhoid surgery. It's a direct side effect of decreased sensitivity due to my back problems...and there are some other areas of concern, results of three natural childbirths and family history and ... well, obesity. Being fat messes with everything. But the long and short of it is they're going to be cutting me "where the sun don't shine".

Everything I've heard about this surgery is that it's extremely painful. One of the most painful surgeries to have, according to my surgeon. Painful enough that they send you home with a pain pump that delivers constant local anesthetic to the area. They've found that the pain pump allows things to return to normal digestively speaking... and that's a big deal. I'm told that I will have to soak after every ... bathroom encounter... which is part of the reason why you're unable to work for the first two weeks after surgery.

I've spent so much time in pain this year. I really very much don't want to volunteer for additional pain. I also have some major concerns about the symptoms I've been having... without grossing anyone out, things just aren't the way they should be. Hottie Heath having colon cancer and my mom having all the issues she's had... makes me want to get my "back door" in order. And... the Lord has blessed and made it possible for me to do what I need to do... with a supportive boss and supportive family members... and even the surgeon and hospital being flexible with my scheduling and financing... I know that I need to do this while I have the opportunity.

I've also spent a lot of time this year feeling guilty and ashamed about my medical conditions. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to be at church or be at family functions (such as Thanksgiving)... I feel guilty about missing work... I feel guilty every stinking time I park in a handicapped parking space, afraid that I'm taking the space of someone who is worse off than me. I feel guilty about not being more compassionate to others in the past who were suffering. I'm humiliated by the weight I've gained due to both the medications I'm taking and my lack of ability to shop easily, to prepare food... etc. I feel ashamed to have to tell people that my nerves in my back are compressed which makes sitting, standing, walking, and going to the bathroom more difficult. I am embarrassed to have hemorrhoids. I am even more embarrassed to have to have THAT kind of surgery.

BUT... if I've learned anything about living my life "out loud"... I've learned that for every emotion I've had, every situation I've gone through, there's been somebody out there reading my blog who has been through something similar... sometimes there's someone who has been through EXACTLY the same thing. Sometimes giving voice to my issues allows others to understand people in their life who are living through what I'm living through.

If you know someone who has chronic pain... you know that there is a very fine line between encouraging them and letting them know how much you want them to be around... and making them feel guilty about what they are unable to do. I can't tell you where that line is... but I do know that it's a very real boundary that has to be guarded. I know that for me, it's been easier to allow people to sort of drift away rather than try to maintain contact... I just don't have the energy. If not for social media I would be terribly isolated. I don't go anywhere other than work and the grocery store. I'm so grateful for the ability to communicate with people through this forum.

This weekend has been a huge blessing and a really good time with Austin. We haven't kept a spotless house but we've kept it liveable. I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow just because of the pain involved. I'm on the countdown now for surgery - 24 days - I've been told to go on a really high fiber diet now so that things are easier then. I'm having a colonoscopy the day before surgery so I'll be on a clear liquid diet for about 36 hours before surgery and a day or so after. Bring on the jello (no red dye) and broth... woohoo! If any of you have had experiences with these procedures, I'd love to hear your tips and suggestions.

So that's it. No shame in my game... it is what it is... I'll be getting a new back door very soon.
Dinner time!
Love and hugs, y'all.

lazy days....

2011-11-26T10:53:00.001-05:00

Today is day three of my lazy-palooza aka Thanksgiving break.
I haven't exactly gone "over the river and through the woods" but that doesn't mean we're bored here in the nest.

Austin took advantage of his spare time to hang ornaments from my shelf... isnt that picture of my three boys absolutely precious? A sweet lady in our church had a coupon for a free photo at Olan Mills and she gave it to me... she said, "don't buy anything else, it's too expensive" and because we loved and respected her, we didn't. That sweet little 8x10 has hung on the wall everywhere I've lived. Love those sweet babies! And that's my Gator easter basket... my barbies... and other assorted little treasures... the lights were a great idea, he had fun and I appreciate that he wanted to help feather my nest.

We also went to Ingles yesterday for a grocery run. Paying the surgeon last week (had to pay in advance, remember) ate up my comfort zone in my checking account. Fortunately we had enough child support left to make a decent grocery run AND... earned our last turkey point so we got our free turkey! Woohoo! We're thinking about cooking it the way that Martha Stewart showed where you take out the backbone and cook it flat - it's called "spatchcooking" and it looks like it takes less time. Austin thinks he can handle removing the backbone.

I'm on a medication for cystitis - another one of those lovely side effects from my back problems - can't tell when I have to go sometimes, haven't had any accidents but I do hold it too long. I was afraid I had an infection but no, fortunately not. They gave me this med that has an anesthetic quality to it so that some of the cramping I was having last week will get better. So far, not so much. I've been doubled over most of the weekend. The up side... it makes you pee blue... it's entertaining. TMI?

Austin declared that my keyboard on my laptop needed cleaning so he took the canned air and blew it out and... blew my backspace key right off. If you're keeping score, poor laptop is now missing the right hand shift key (I've adjusted my typing accordingly) and now the backspace key. I backspace a lot. Not fun. The nice computer man in Cleveland said he could replace our keyboard for $40. I may just have to take him up on that. Love my laptop.

In my hours browsing Pinterest (if you're not on yet, you HAVE to check it out)... I found the frugal way to microwave popcorn. I like making popcorn. I'll either do a chili powder and garlic flavor... or cinnamon and sugar.. there's just so much you can do. Microwave popcorn, while not ridiculously expensive, isn't cheap. I saw on Pinterest that you can make microwave popcorn using old fashioned kernal and a brown paper lunch sack. I thought... eh... whatever... won't work... but... we'll give it a try. IT WAS FABULOUS! Just 1/4 cup of kernal in a plain brown sack... no oil of any kind... fold the top of the lunch sack over two or three times... put in the microwave for about two minutes. Just like with microwave popcorn, you have to listen to where the popping slows down... and it was absolutely perfect. I melted a little real butter to pour over it... unbelievably easy and good.

It's just been a good weekend. Peaceful. Restful. Austin hasn't stressed me out too bad, although his room has a major hoard going on and we've been talking about getting that cleaned. I've been loving my computer games... watching lots of tv, alternating between really butch stuff like football games... and really feminine stuff like chick flicks and Oprah. The cats have been enjoying their perches. We've done dishes but not laundry.

Austin just walked out of the house with a golf club. Not sure what's up. Gonna post and head out for a bit.

Love and hugs, y'all

feline photo finish friday... aka crazy cat lady pictures

2011-11-25T10:44:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T08:21:00.001-05:00

My Thanksgiving Day blog post is usually my most inspired post of the year. It's the blog Superbowl for me. It's a time to show my depth of appreciation for the blessings that truly overflow in my life each year. Usually. I don't feel that kind of groundbreaking articulation bubbling up inside me today... but I would be remiss not to count my blessings.

The inescapable truth is that this year has really sucked. I haven't lost anyone close to me. I haven't faced some of the horrible tragedies that I have seen in the news this year. I have a safe home in a nice place and am gainfully employed with a reliable vehicle. But... still... 2011.... not my best year.

I have peace. I have contentment. I have many people in my life who genuinely care about me and who demonstrate kindness beyond what I deserve. I have given little in return for what has been done for me... and may never be able to reciprocate or even "pay it forward". All I can do is express extreme gratitude to all of you who have made the effort to make a difference for me this year. You restore my faith on an almost daily basis.

I could have never imagined what this year would be like. I could never have dreamed a scenario that would have included a fire in our home. Even though I spend my days helping people prepare for and survive such situations... I could never have imagined it happening to us. I went forward in faith because that was all I had left... but it turned out that it was all I needed. I could never have imagined that a fire would end up being such a great blessing for us... that it would allow us to relocate to a more budget friendly home with less negative influences on my child. Yet here we are. It was completely divine design.

I don't know yet what purpose the multitude of medical issues that I've had are meant to bring to us. I still believe that God is good. I still believe that nothing happens without a reason. I watched over the doctors shoulder yesterday as she scrolled down the screen that held my list of diagnosis... it was startling to see them all in a list like that. I don't know for certain that I will be able to go through with the surgery right before Christmas. It strikes two of my deepest fears: lack of money and increase in pain. I know that whatever happens, whenever it happens, it will be what is meant to be. I only know that I'm supposed to keep moving forward.

It doesn't seem that long ago that we were living in a trailer park in Jonesboro, Georgia. I wondered how I would ever manage to get my kids raised ... how Austin would ever survive that environment... and here we are, one very wild ride later in a beautiful place... no longer suburbanites but instead real "country folk" in a really fabulous community where faith still matters and your neighbors still care what happens to you. Here we are with Austin in his senior year in high school and my last baby nearly grown... what seemed like it would take forever has really just been a blink.

It seems like the pattern of my life is to feel stuck and stagnant and then find that God has been working out an answer all along. No matter how dark things seem to be... the answer always ends up being beyond my wildest dreams. I'm thankful for the confidence that comes from trial after trial being met by blessing after blessing. I'm thankful for the journey and the people who have helped me along the way. I'm thankful for continual evidence that *there is a God* and *He really does like me*.

And this year... I'm thankful to be able to stay in my nest and rest for four whole days. I'm thankful that I'm able to watch the Macy's parade all the way through for the first time since 2005 instead of traveling. I'm thankful for whatever this day holds for us... whether we decide to cook or go out... I'm thankful for those who will miss us and I'm thankful that there are people in our life to miss.

Thanks for being a part of my life and for being interested enough to read what I write. It's no Superbowl post this year... so thank you for reading all the way through! Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

Wonderful Wednesday!

2011-11-23T04:40:00.001-05:00

Do any of you have bits of children's books permanently tattooed on your brain? Things like, "I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I Am"...

At 3:37 am I woke up to find Trouble the kitty cat standing on top of me, tapping my cheeks and he was obviously about to sneeze... and as he rared back with a "AH... AH... .AH"... the first thing that came out of my sleepy brain was, "stand back, said the elephant, I'm going to SNEEZE"... and he did. Baptized in kitty snot first thing in the ~~morning~~ middle of the night.

Guess he had to top his "uh oh" moment from yesterday... just as I turned off the water in the shower, he jumped in with me... little paws couldn't get traction...slip sliding across the bathtub he grabbed onto my wet foot to stop his slide... and cut a huge gash in my foot. Lovely. It was pure cartoon. He's a cartoon kitty.

Austin is in the doghouse - if we had one - I would say he's in the cat house but that means something else. I asked him Sunday night to do the dishes. They still aren't done. I don't have the energy to go ten rounds with him over it.

Speaking of ten rounds... my pink Christmas tree is now hanging upside down from the coat rack. It's the only place I've found where Trouble won't bother it. We're going to review some holiday etiquette over the weekend.

The weekend. The long, praise you Jesus I needed a break weekend. We are not going anywhere for Thanksgiving. I delayed making a decision until yesterday but the reality is that there is too much pain in my body right now... my spine is horribly inflamed right now... it feels like I have a bladder infection (going to the doctor today) ... my legs ache so bad it feels like I have weights attached to them... I can't do it. I broke the news to Cody last night. His sweet grandma-in-law invited us to join them for Thanksgiving dinner after we did lunch at my Aunt Ginger's. Instead... we'll be rocking the stove top stuffing, cranberry sauce and small turkey breast here at the Nest.

The surgeon's office called back and backed down on the amount of money I would have to pay for my surgery. I have to pay them $157 - and that just leaves whatever obligation the hospital requires before the surgery and making up the difference in lost income from missing work. I looked at the calendar... knowing that the surgeon isn't working the week between Christmas and New Year (which would have been my ideal time - surgery happens under this year's deductible, recovery happens with next year's sick leave) my best case scenario would be to have the surgery on December 23rd. I talked to the mean old scheduling lady who had taken her rudeness back a notch or two... I gave her my availability as being the week before Christmas. If we couldn't do it then, we couldn't do it. She insisted on taking my portion of the payment before she would attempt to schedule. Whatever. I paid and then prayed... if I'm meant to do this... if there's a way... it will happen that week. She hung up and called back about thirty minutes later... they can do the surgery on the 21st. That means I have a colon-ah-scopy (my spelling) on the 20th, go home, stay on clear liquids while they review and determine what has to be done... then I go back on the 21st and have the surgery... I'll get nipped and tucked and have everything that's not supposed to be "back there" taken out... and have anything that isn't sturdy enough, shored up... and be sent home to recover over the holidays.

Since I'm long since out of sick leave for this calendar year... I'll need to replace roughly 9 days worth of income... I'll have holiday pay for one of those days... (Lord willing) and I have a hospital surgical policy that will reimburse two more days... that leaves me six days of income to replace and then... it will be the new year and if I'm not full recovered... one more day of holiday pay and then my sick leave and vacation starts. On paper it looks entirely possible, it will definitely require a financial blessing but I feel like this is the best timing we could possibly have.

So if you go into a convenience store and see my picture taped to a mason jar on the counter, toss a few coins in there to make sure we can pay our rent for January.

I know that God is good. I am so humbled by the many people He brings into my life to pray, to make sure we don't go hungry, to help with Austin... I cried again yesterday... but it was a good cry. It was a cry of relief in full belief that we are going to be ok. I am apprehensive about the pain... apprehensive about the logistics of it all.... but I'm certain this is the right time. I still have to get permission for the time off... but I'm in complete trust that if I don't get permission, if I can't line up the replacement income, then this is a surgery that I don't need to have.

Looking toward a beautiful, restful four day weekend. Happy Thanksgiving y'all!

i'm not gonna lie... i wanted to cry...

2011-11-21T09:11:00.001-05:00

One leftover question from last week that I just saw yesterday...

why don't you blog on the weekends? you blog in the wee hours of the morning when you have you be at work but you generally don't blog much on the weekends when you have all day...

Blogging is more about me being able to put order to my thoughts and experiences than it is meant to entertain. If people read and enjoy that's a bonus. If people read, enjoy and offer encouragement or validate my thoughts or even feel like they know me through reading my blog, that's a great payoff for the effort. But, the basic premise is for me to be able to consistently track my efforts (or lack of effort) to lose weight... to be in control of my weight (hence, Tightening the Corset) and to be able to articulate what is happening to me.. It's part of my early morning routine... make the coffee, feed the kitties, check the news websites, play a game or two, blog, shower, etc. My weekends are much less ordered and organized. If I have something to share... pictures... a thought or concept... then I blog. Otherwise, I'm just chillin'.

Yesterday was the Monday from Hell. Capital H - Hell. It seemed like there was no end to the meanness and smarmy-ness (which I don't think is a word) and unkindness I had to face. My pain was off the charts. I can always tell when there's inflammation in my back because when it's at it's worst, I have a hard time going to the bathroom. I spent the day with a full bladder that I was unable to empty. Pain. So I had the back pain and the full bladder pain and developed a headache and it was one of those day that every phone call was someone with a complaint... I wanted. to. cry. I didn't cry. But I wanted to.

I had called back to the surgeon to see what the possibility was of rescheduling the surgery and that evil woman who schedules said that she would not even look at the calendar UNTIL I paid off my balance with Northeast Georgia medical - that's a combination of the hospital, my doctor's office, and various specialists, like the surgeon, who fall under the same umbrella - $518 (not bad considering how much I've paid them over the past year) and my "past due" balance with their practice (to which I said, "I've seen you once - was told I would be billed for my portion - haven't received a bill OR an explanation of benefits where you filed with my insurance - I saw you three weeks ago - how do I have a past due amount?) that amount is $47. (which means my insurance was billed $470 for ONE surgical consult) AND she will have to have the portion for the surgeon up front, which, depending on when she schedules me, will either be $157 or $1570.

Welcome to the world of the working poor. I have insurance. It just has a high deductible. I work every day (as much as possible) but my income isn't enough to absorb these types of medical bills. And the snotty way that woman talked to me... no compassion.

Part of my job is to talk to people who are behind on their insurance premiums and help them get their payments in without having their policy cancel. I work very hard to show compassion to people. I understand what it's like to not have enough money to take care of your obligations. There are people who take it too far... one yesterday that had gotten three letters in the mail and had talked to people in our office twice where there was no room for interpretation about when their insurance would lapse...and then they were mad because it cancelled. I even asked, "what more could we have done?" At some point, personal responsibility kicks in. BUT AT NO POINT was I unkind. I even said, "this is easy to fix... here's what we need to do... "

The mean old scheduling woman could see where I had consistently made payments on my account... and at no point was I ever told, "you have to pay every dime you owe before we will treat you again"... nope. But she wanted me to make a payment of - get this - $2,135 before she would even look at the schedule to see when they could do my surgery. I told her I needed to talk to the manager of her practice. I can't possibly be the only patient they see who doesn't have the financial means to schedule a surgery that will require that I miss at least two weeks of work - who wouldn't also be able to afford a steep financial hit before the surgery. I said to the mean old scheduling woman, "so it's the intention of your practice that poor people should suffer?" She didn't have an answer. But she did say that she would check with her supervisor to see if they could offer me an alternative.

Hung up the phone with the mean old scheduling woman and had the previously mentioned phone call from a client who was mad at me because their insurance got cancelled... for not paying their premium. I. wanted. to. cry.

I walked to the mailbox ... not a long walk but on a day like yesterday when everything is painful... that short walk had me ready to... can you guess it?... cry. For the first time ever since my back issues started, I asked to be relieved of a duty - being Kevin's backup for going out to check the mail. It takes less than a minute. It's not a big deal. Unless you have trouble walking. And I do. I felt humiliated. Kevin's out until next Tuesday.

Sometimes I feel like I just need to be more honest about how this back issue is changing my life so that people don't think I'm just a slacker... or unsociable... or unreliable... or all the things I imagine that people think I am because of the ways that my life has changed. However... the truth is... when I do attempt to explain... it's humiliating... which is why I push myself whenever I can...

That's my Whiny Tuesday post. Today, being the middle day of the work week, today is going to be better. I will not cry. I will not WANT to cry. I will go to work and do whatever is asked of me regardless of how it hurts. I will be nice to mean people. I may even convert a few. Tomorrow is going to be a joyful, happy, celebratory post. Just wait!

reasons to love monday, Thanksgiving edition

2011-11-21T04:46:00.001-05:00

Amanda, Allison and Ashley Hedden with the Gant Girls... Sarabeth, Jamie and Angie
(picture snagged from Angie's facebook)

Jamie, Jorjann, Sarabeth and (I think that's a Nelken girl) dancing at Ashley's wedding.

These girls are in such high demand as flower girls that they ought to charge for it!

Yesterday I talked about what makes me happy... those three pictures... and the others that Angie posted yesterday... just warm my heart in away that I can't even articulate. I couldn't love those girls more if they were my own... and I love how much OTHERS love them too. They're just a joy to be around 99% of the time.

There are so many reasons to love Monday this week...
1. It's a short week, praise the Lord and pass the turkey!
2. The boss is mostly out of the office this week and Kevin's on vacay so it's an Estro-fest at the office this week. The down side is that I will have to kill spiders myself.
3. Austin is out of school all week and planning to work around the property with Morrie. It's good for him to learn how to do these things. He's learning valuable job skills and that's a very good thing.
4. My aunt and uncle have offered to help pay for the surgery. I will need to talk to them about what's involved... see if I can get it scheduled again... I'm still ridiculously apprehensive but I was more apprehensive about NOT doing it. I'm having a lot of stomach cramps and some other unpleasant symptoms that are hard to ignore.
5. I'm still on the fence about Thanksgiving. Pop gave me some gas money to help with the cost of traveling but honestly... more than anything... it's the fear of driving that far, dealing with the kind of pain I have sitting in the drivers seat for two hours. My piriformis syndrome is wickedly painful, even just driving the very short drive to work. It feels like I'm sitting on a knife. Not to mention the other stuff that needs surgery... hard to sit. And still with the stomach cramps... I just want a four day weekend where I'm not in pain. But I don't want to disappoint anyone. Quite a conundrum. Either way, I'm excited for a four day weekend.
6. Austin and I had a great weekend... he's doing such a great job of stepping up, doing the things that I can't do and he is starting to develop that work ethic that I'm so proud to see in his brothers.
7. There's a pink tree in my window. We may not have decked the halls but we decked the windows!
8. This year has taken us through a lot of changes that we weren't prepared to make... but for now, at this moment, we are at peace. Life is good.

Hope you have a few reasons to love Monday too!

what makes me happy?

2011-11-20T08:24:00.001-05:00

I love to drive into town on weekend mornings... when the very first light of day has broken through and the rest of the world is just beginning to stir... I love the solitude of just me in my car with Christian radio playing in the background... it's then that my pain level is usually the lowest, having not demanded much of my spine by that point in the day... and my thoughts are the clearest. Today as I was giggling and smiling for no good reason... finding joy in every little thing... I thought to myself, "this makes me happy"... and then I thought... "what makes me happy?"...

The leaves are no longer vibrant and vivid. The rain and cold over the past week have turned them brown and knocked them to the ground. Yet the stark branches were beautiful in their own way... the view is clearer and even with the fog and rain this morning, I could see things I couldn't see before. That makes me happy. The changing seasons make me happy. The comfort of the sameness of a colorful fall following a miserably hot summer which followed a beautiful spring... which followed the excitement of the occasional snowfall during the winter... those patterns make me happy. Predictability makes me happy. Nature makes me happy... God's creation makes me happy.

I glanced down at my gas tank which was still above full after I had stopped and filled up yesterday morning. Having adequate resources makes me happy. A full gas tank. A full pantry (thank you Mawmaw and Pop!). Bills that are paid on time. Having enough in my checking account to get me through to the next payday. A spare roll of toilet paper. Clean laundry. Hours to rest. Time, energy, money, food... having enough of these things makes me happy.

Yesterday we went and had a "we're not going to see you on Thanksgiving" lunch at Jim and Angie's with my parents. They're taking a train trip to New York for Thanksgiving. Spending time with family makes me happy. Knowing that my parents are embarking on an adventure they've never experienced before... a train trip and New York City at Thanksgiving... they're going to get to see the Macy's parade from my sister-un-law's boss's apartment above the parade route... that makes me happy. Getting to watch Sarabeth play basketball (she's very good!) made me happy. Reading a sweet letter that Jamie had written to me made me happy. The sandwich and chips simplicity of our meal made me happy. That my overachieving sister-in-law took my advice to "aspire to greater mediocrity" and saved herself the stress of a big meal made me happy. Watching football with my dad and brother made me happy. Austin wearing his grinch footie pajamas made me happy.

And lest I forget... my pink Christmas tree makes me happy. Knowing that my mom found one and remembered that we had lost ours in the fire... made me happy.

When I left out this morning Trouble the kitty cat was half asleep on my bed... when he heard my car he went to the window and watched me drive away. When I came back, about thirty minutes later, he was still in the window watching... he may have walked away at some point, I can't say for sure... but he was expecting me to come back and his big fluffy tail started to wag (yes, cats wag their tails too) when he saw me. I make a difference in his little life... that makes me happy. Knowing that I matter... makes me happy. Knowing that you can set the clock by Trouble patting me gently on the face with his soft paws at 3:30 every morning (he doesn't know that time has changed) to wake me up. He knows that I get up at that time. Both kitties meet me in the kitchen first thing in the morning because they know that while my coffee is brewing I will reach under the sink to the big bag of "num nums" and pour a scoop full into their dish. They know they will get fresh water. They know that I will settle into my nest with the laptop once I'm through in the kitchen. They know that when I take a shower and spend time in front of the bathroom sink putting on makeup that I'm going to be leaving soon. They know that putting on pantyhose means I'm leaving soon. And as pitiful as it is... I love hearing Trouble start to whimper and whine when he realizes I'm leaving. I love that they wait expectantly for Austin to come out of his room... and I love that they both scamper off to their hiding places when he does. My kitties make me happy.

The triumphs of my children make me happy. Of course I would love for them all to be living here in the mountains but the fact that they found their best life in distant places makes me happy. I would rather them be far away and successful and happy... than be close by or under my roof and be unhappy. It makes me happy that the two older boys work so hard... it makes me happy that Austin is here to help me do the things I can no longer do for myself. It makes me happy to hear about the things that make Austin happy... although I can never remember the names of his games that he wants to buy or rent.. his passion about these things makes me happy. Austin's persistence makes me happy... he's not always made to feel welcome everywhere he goes (kids can be unkind and cruel... like the girl who told him at church last Wednesday night, "nobody wants you here") but he doesn't let that change his desire to do the things he wants to do. I wouldn't have the same determination but it makes me happy that he does. It makes me happy that he doesn't want those kids who are unkind to get in trouble... he doesn't want anyone to say anything to them... he just wants to ignore it. I wouldn't have that kind of forbearance, it makes me happy that he does. It makes me happy to see my children displaying positive traits that I know they learned from me and not displaying all of the negative ones (believe me, there are many that they could have picked up)... and it even makes me happy to see them displaying the positive traits of their father.

I suppose this is long enough... but I've spent a lot of time this year talking about suffering and how uncomfortable, downtrodden, discouraged and miserable I am... and I thought it was time for me to share the things that make me happy. It has been said that happiness is a journey, not a destination. I know this to be true. I also very strongly believe that happiness is not being in perfect circumstances, it's the ability to find joy *in spite of* your circumstances. I don't think I share enough about these moments of joy in my life... there are so many. I hope you find joy along your way too...