a drive by

Just a quickie... who knows how long this battery will last? *laugh* I might one day get this repaired... right now it's helping me be disciplined and not spend as much time online!

Picked up the divorce papers. They're just generic... just a form that says, "we don't like each other any more... we don't have kids together... we have no marital property".... that's all true. Nothing to dispute there. I can contest. I don't know that it's worth the effort or money. I mean, what do I want from him, other than to not be married to him? I can counter sue in Georgia and file on grounds of adultery... but what does that gain for me other than for it to be in the public record?

I know y'all want me to be protected but there are no children. No court in the country is going to give me anything more than what he's already given me. It's just spinning our wheels. I will need legal help to complete the stupid form, unfortunately.

And to prove my bi-polarity, I love the new Old Navy commercial... the one with the mannequins... the girl's name is Heather and her finger breaks off. I laugh every time I see it.

I stopped by the Cottage House restaurant for chicken tenders and broccoli casserole to soothe my hurt feelings on the way home... and I think all it did was grow my butt... but, whatever... it will all be ok.

From the life in a small town file: while waiting at the White County Law Enforcement building the nice big ole sheriff asked if I had been fishin' yet today. "Now that's a crime, not fishin' in this weather". I said, "honey, I'm a city girl, I'd have to have somebody along to bait my hook". He said, "well, I'd let you off so long as you'd sit on the riverbank and soak up the sun". "Deal". Seriously.

I'm not sure why they couldn't serve the papers to me. I asked the sheriff if it was because they were filed with my address listed as "Wanda St" instead of "Wanda Dr". He laughed and said, "we all know there's only one road named Wanda around here"... I was trying to think of some Fish Named Wanda / Road Named Wanda connection but I've got nothing.

I wonder why they didn't try to serve me at Wednesday night bible study... I mean, there are no secrets in this town. The girl down at the Rite Aid knows what size panty hose I wear... the girl at the Cottage House Restaurant knows I want a dinner roll instead of cornbread.... the only question would be if my brother Jim that's the pastor at First Baptist church is the tall Jim or the Jim that golfs.

Wow. This turned out to be longer than I expected.

Better hit save before my luck runs out. Love and hugs, y'all!

well...

I don't know how to title this entry and I don't have much battery therefore I don't have much time to write this!

I got a call from the White County sheriff's office today. Apparently they have been trying to serve me with "civil suit" (divorce) papers since February 23rd. I *apparently* work too much to be served. I don't know. I haven't seen any notices that they had been by... but whatever... the lady who called said, "well, your husband called to see why we hadn't served you and we told him we thought you were avoiding service". She said that he told her he was sure I wasn't. I'm not. I'm relieved. One less thing for me to pay for.

She told me I could stop by any time to pick them up. I planned to do it tomorrow but I'm a little nervous about my reaction. I'm relieved, trust me. It's inevitable. I'm in a FAR better place regarding this divorce than I was six months ago! I just don't know if I can make it through the next nine hours at the office after reading them. It may be an after work thing. As long as it's in progress.

It's almost over.

I sent out a mass text. Barry was the first to write back... asking if I was ok. I think I am. I need to have a good cry. Now seems like a good time. I'm gonna be ok. I really did love him and I really believe he loved me. But I know that God has a beautiful life planned for me.

it aint fixed but it's working...

My crazy, temperamental laptop has been working this afternoon. I will have to get Austin to take a picture of the insane yoga contortionist pose I have to be in to push the power cord against my leg at just the perfect angle to allow the durn thing to work... but I've had about two hours online this afternoon... more than I've had in the whole last week put together!

No word from Barry over the past week... the more things change, the more they stay the same! Ha! This is exactly how things were with us three years ago when he said, "You should date other people..." And I did... and married MJD... and had my life turned topsy turvy... full of drama while Barry's essentially stayed the same. So he came and spent a great day with me and then... nothing. But, you know, I'm fine with it. It is what it is... we've had a very stable relationship with very little drama but the underlying reason is probably because he never changes, know what I mean? I have enjoyed his company over the years, I know that if I ever need him, he's a great big solid muscular shoulder *hubba hubba* to lean on... and I know that the beauty of our relationship is in the fact that he is who he is.

I guess the secret to happiness is accepting the people in your life for who they are, right? And not being surprised when people do exactly what they've always done... Michael used to have this saying about a scorpion being a scorpion... based on the story below...

The story is about a scorpion asking a frog to carry him across a river. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion reassures him that if it stung the frog, the frog would sink and the scorpion would drown as well. The frog then agrees; nevertheless, in mid-river, the scorpion stings him, dooming the two of them. When asked why, the scorpion explains, "I'm a scorpion; it's my nature."

Which actually... was fairly prophetic for me, wasn't it?

I've been in sort of a place of quiet introspection with my lack of internet access. In a way, I've been lonely...no, that's not true... I've been purposely spending some time alone but I haven't been lonely. I've been talking with a friend quite a bit... I haven't talked to Dean in a week or so. I know he thinks I'm a horrible BFF... I just have needed a break from the intensity of the situation. My life is just not about Michael any more. Not at all. I pray for him daily. I wish him well. I hope that he will file for divorce soon as I really can't afford to (ok, replace my laptop or get a divorce...hmmmm? which would you choose?) I just needed a little time to not have to think about what Michael or Andrea are or are not doing. There was something about being with Barry last weekend that gave me closure... I mean, closure has come in increments along the pathway... there are lots of little red letter moments for me... but seeing Barry... curling up beside him in a way that I haven't done since the day I met Michael... literally, the last time Barry and I were together was the Tuesday before my first date with Michael on Saturday... it was like a time warp... almost like being married to Michael never happened.

And yet I will say that if all of that had to happen for my life to be what it is now, it was worth it. Worth every bit of it.

I brought the girls some bubble gum for their surprise today. I give them lots of surprises but they're usually only little dollar store treats. Jamie asked for gum last night when I picked Austin up from church so I stopped this morning on the way to church and bought gum... and when I saw Jamie after church she said, "do you have gum?" I told her I did... she said, "do you have some for my sister too?" Awwww... such sweet sisters!

I spent yesterday being totally lazy and watching movies. I watched Knocked Up Friday night and yesterday I watched From Here to Eternity. I had never seen either. I read a few magazines. I napped. It was heaven! My kitchen floor didn't get mopped and the laundry didn't get folded and you know what? The world did not come to an end!

Time to get ready for church... Austin needs to be there in twenty minutes... leave me comments, I can access the blog from work even though I can't get on facebook from there... miss y'all! Love and hugs!

spring time in the mountains!

Spring has come to the mountains. I'll post pictures whenever I can....

On Sunday the trees were bare and on Monday everything was in full bloom. It's like one of those movies where you note the passing of time by the trees… golden and orange and fiery red when I first arrived… then the cold bare branches in the winter… and now everything in beautiful pale pinks and purples and white…

It's like life is starting again. Especially mine.

I met Michael in the spring. Our first date was on April Fools Day (that'll teach me, right?). Our first month together was a kaleidescope of places… walking on the nature trail… Stone Mountain… the baseball fields where our kids played… Boston… all in the beautiful fresh spring air. Everything is fresh and new viewed through eyes that are falling in love.
I left Michael at the end of a long hot summer. Fall had not yet even thought about coming to Jacksonville when I left. Fall was just beginning when I arrived here Helen. My first weeks here were cloaked in the kind of fall scenery you can only enjoy in the mountains. It was as if God was saying, "I'm giving you beauty for ashes". The dust of that old pain for the splendor of new hope. Even as the leaves died and fell off the trees, the beauty of the mountains spoke to my heart… reminding me that God is powerful. Eternal. Able to set mountains in place and able to carry me over mountains, even those of my own making.

I'm missing having my usual access to cyberspace but I'm also breaking some bad habits by not spending every evening tethered to it. It's good to spend time with the three dimensional people. It's good to read. To actually talk to my son. To talk on the phone.

Sunday was the first day that my computer usage was really hampered and I spent half the day in church and half the day with Barry. Barry and I did what we always used to do - watched tv. It's a cheap date but it was comforting to have some of that old normal back in my life. He was a great comfort to me. In some ways he was hurt that I started dating Michael at all. Not that he had any claims on me… he certainly wasn't making a move toward permanence. It hurt him that I didn't really contact him while I was with Michael. It just seemed inappropriate. But underneath it all, he was my friend and he missed our friendship. So did I. I missed a lot of people. I've been blessed to be able to reconnect with a lot of friends and have made a lot of new friends in the process. Life is good.

Today I had lunch at a little chain mexican restaurant, El Jinete, up here in Hooterville. There was another El Jinete near our house in Woodstock. Michael took us out to dinner there the night that he showed me the house he intended for us to move into. It was such an exciting time… of course, the kids were fighting like cats and dogs throughout the whole process… I just remember rushing through that big empty house and being in complete awe that it was going to be where I lived. It was a beautiful home… but somehow the beauty of the structure couldn't undo the ugliness of the hurts that happened there. Same for the beach in Jacksonville. Where the mountains have helped and healed me, the beach felt like a hot, messy, scattered wasteland. The ocean reminded me of the huge barrier between myself and God. Between myself and the people I love. Between myself and happiness. Ultimately, though, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Being here has made me grateful for the simple things… like curling up with an old friend to watch tv.

I think I have someone who can repair my laptop, hopefully inexpensively. It's a friend of my brother's.

Tonight I'm having dinner with my friend Natalie. She's the one I talked about back in January - her husband committed suicide three years ago. I post a lot of pictures of her daughter, Jorjanne, as she is Sarabeth's best friend. I don't think Natalie and I have ever had the chance to speak two sentences in a row. We're always at church or at birthday parties or somewhere where there are a lot of people and EVERYbody wants to talk to Natalie. I'm excited to have her all to myself for a whole meal! Jorjanne will be at gymnastics and Austin will be home.

Tomorrow the teenagers at our church are starting a fast for world hunger and Austin is participating. They're fasting for 30 hours… I'm not quite sure how well austin will do with that… but they'll be involved in a lot of activities to keep them occupied. We'll have a worship service Friday night at 7pm and Saturday morning at 9am. I'm planning to go to both. It can't hurt, right? I told Sarabeth she could sit with me in worship service and we'd color with my sharpie markers. She said, "Does that mean I can't eat either?" I said… "Oh no, honey… you and Aunt Heather are gonna eat!".

Even though we're not missing meals… spending the weekend in church three times (counting Sunday morning) and away from the computer for the most part… should be good cleansing for me. I've been working on avoiding bitterness and bad memories over the past two weeks… really focusing on forgiveness, not just for others but also for myself. I've been enjoying the life that I have here without regret. Did I mention that life is good?

There's someone new in my life - not a "boyfriend" or even a dating interest… just a new friend who has struggled himself and has found his way. He's a great source of encouragement for me and we've spent many, many hours on the phone in the past week or two. It's good stuff….
So that's the haps for now… once the laptop is working or replaced I'll be more consistent with reading and writing blogs but for now… just know that it's all good. Love and hugs, y'all!

out of pocket

Well. My friend the laptop is not doing well. Just as the little salesman said at the Frye's Electronics two weeks ago... the problem is not with the power cords, it's with the pin inside my plug inside the laptop. It's stopped working again. I'm going to try to find someone who can fix it for a reasonable amount of money... but in the meantime... I'm offline. I can read my blog from work but I can't access aol email or facebook. You KNOW I'm grieving the loss of facebook!

I sort of look at this as a season for me to climb out of the nest, look around, see what is out there in my 3D world.... work on my home more, work on my relationship with the Lord more, be present for Austin more. I got a great texting plan on my little po-phone so I can text for next to nothing... if you need my cell number, leave a comment with either your email address or phone number so I can text the number to you.

I spent yesterday with Barry. *smile* Wouldn't YOU LIKE to know?

We actually had a really nice and really normal time together. It was as if those three years in between hadn't existed... except for the part where I cried in his arms for half an hour... out of pure joy and relief to be there... *sigh*... we went out for mexican, took Austin to bible drill, came home and curled up together to watch tv. It was nice. And lest the trolls rear their ugly head in my absence, I remain faithful to my marriage vows.

Time to get busy here. I miss you guys!
love and hugs!

sing along Saturday

This entry brought to you courtesy of Magic 102 out of Clarkesville, Georgia. Bet you can't read the lyrics without singing the song in your head!

So put me on a highway, show me a sign and take it to the limit one more time…

Every time you go away… you take a piece of me with you

Every time I look into your loving eyes… I see a love that money just can't buy…
Anything you want… you got it… anything you need… you got it…

If I was the king of the world… I tell you what I'd do…

She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe.

If we couldn't laugh we just would go insane.

I gave all my money and my time. I know it's a shame, but I'm giving you back your name.

Guess I'll be on my way. I won't be back to stay.

What's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love but a second hand emotion? I've been thinking of my own protection. It scares me to feel this way.

Do a little dance… make a little love… get down tonight.

We built this city on rock'n'roll...

And the secrets that we shared… and the mountains that we moved… And I remember what she said to me, how she swore that it never would end… I remember how she held me oh so tight… wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then

In bed, with the covers on your head, pretend like you are dead, I know… the rhythm is gonna get you…

I tell ya once more before I get on the floor… don't bring me down…

They just don't write 'em like that any more

Takin' care of business - it's alright, takin' care of business and workin' overtime...

Yesterday was the Memorial Service for my grandma's sweetie. God love her… she's just the sweetest lady… my Steel Magnolia… she has survived one heartbreaking divorce, single motherhood, the death of a spouse, and now her companion has passed away at 93. And she still managed to have her lipstick on and hair fixed just right yesterday. Jerry had lost his quality of life but it's still sad. Jerry was Catholic so we attended his funeral mass. It surprised me the things that I remember from the *few* times that I attended Mass with Michael. (don't look directly at the holy water when he's flinging it! that stuff BURNS when it gets in your eyes!) I still regret that Michael and I were unable to connect on a spiritual level. Jerry was also career military so they did the whole military honors complete with taps and six gun salute. Oddly… I saw the guns… and knew what they were for… but still about came out of my skin when they fired!

Angie had a mushy moment during the inurnment (sp?) (they placed the urn with his cremated remains into the ground) and I was being the big sister and comforting her... and she said, "this is the third one she's lost"... and I said, "Yeah. Usually I get rid of mine before they die". *chirp, chirp* Ok. So it's not that funny but it made her laugh.

Funerals are sad… of course… but they also seem to serve as a bit of a family reunion. I was surprised to find the son and grandson of grandma's second husband, Harry, at the service. Son came from… I don't remember where he lives… Pennsylvania, maybe? And grandson came from Indiana with his lovely wife and little boy. I had a great time hanging with grandson when our grandparents married in… 1985, I guess it was? I don't remember much of him from his grandfather's funeral. I rode "over the mountain" with Jim and Angie so we got some bonding time.

Mama and daddy had gifts for me… a bible cover and a scarf. Mama crocheted the scarf - pink. It's cute. Daddy had wanted to buy me a new bible but I love my old bible with 20 years of sermon notes and underlined verses and such… I asked him just to get me some duct tape to hold the old one together. Instead he bought me a really nice bible cover! It's like having a brand new bible with all the good stuff still in it.

So… sad occasion… not unpleasant… God is good. I missed almost the whole day of work... so I went in to work today and made up four hours. I wrote most of this blog entry at the office (I type fast... I didn't really waste THAT much time!)

"Dr. Drake" (copyright Jen - she can't understand half of what he says so she says he must be a doctor - no dear, he's just a democrat! *teehee*) Dr Drake lured me out of the nest for a little while last night to work with Laughing Matters (check out their website here: www.laughingmatters.com) as they performed a murder mystery at the Taste of White county event.

Ok… You know I love my little neck of the woods… but having a black tie event here is GOOOD people watching. What I loved was that some of the local yokels were more ostentatious than the characters in the murder mystery! It totally cracked me up that the Taste of White County included representatives from the Huddle House. Word.

I had a great time with young Lainey the Pirate Wench (copyright Dr Drake) (not sure I had that whole moniker correct) who also happens to be the young spawn of my landlord. She's a lovely young lady and totally gets my White County sarcasm. Here you either get the jokes or you are the joke. I have such a tender heart for this place and these people and without a doubt, this place is healing… but there is some real quaintness… like the older gentleman who was complete in Colonel Sanders tails and string tie last night, God love him.

Dr. Drake - as usual - came bearing gifts from civilization- a newspaper and some of those fabulous cinnamon twists that you can get at the Publix bakery. *sigh* Publix… how I miss Publix…

Got a phone call that mama has been taken to the hospital. Angie will update me … or call the po-phone to let me know if we need to head south. Bear called. Said if I ended up going down that way he'll take me to dinner… or he'll come up tomorrow after church to hang out with me. (not holding my breath but it's a fun little game we play - pretending that he's coming up some time. He's my favorite imaginary date EVER!). I asked him to come up here and go to church with me but he's hesitant to integrate… which is crap… my friend Tiiara already integrated us! Ha! But he's uncomfortable with it… I mean… it is WHITE County! Asked where we could go to eat?… Huddle House… what we could do?… enjoy the mountains… I'm never bored here. I was FAR more bored in Jacksonville! Here there is always something going on. Like… today for instance… I'll be taking the trash out of my bathroom… bleaching some whites… changing my sheets… I mean, the fun never ends.

Austin walked down to the hair place near my office while I was working and got his hair cut so we were able to check that off the to-do list. (I called first and said, "hey... this is Heather up at Duane's office... I'm sending a shaggy headed kid down there....") We ran by Walmart after work to get his clothes for Josh's wedding... another item checked off. Angie and Jamie were at Walmart so we checked out with them and Austin was able to load Angie's purchases in her car for her. One of her students was working there and called out to "Dr. Gant" which always cracks me up. I mean, she's had her doctorate for awhile, but it still sounds weird.

Kentucky and Florida are playing this afternoon so I'm in my nest with basketball on TV. This is the LIFE!

Austin and I stopped by this BBQ place on our way home... got some brunswick stew and chopped bbq chicken for me. Mush. Mush. Mush. While we were there we saw a girl from church. Austin went up and hugged her... I thought that was pretty sweet. He's adapted to life here... run into folks you know everywhere you go and hug 'em when you see 'em.

My former boss, Kathy, is getting married today. *sigh* And they lived happily ever after... why can't I?

Having this retainer has shown me how much I do clench my teeth. Unintentionally, of course. The durn thing is getting on my nerves. Plus... I have to take it out every time I take a bite of anything - which makes me realize how often I take a bit of something...

Ok... time to go back to Facebook and read a few blogs... love and hugs, y'all!

I'm alive, Part 2

I've been a bad blogger lately, sorry!
Really, it's good news. I know that in the past when you wouldn't hear from me, it was because I was depressed or because I was on "restriction" from internet or my computer. It's not any of those things.
I've just been busy.
I feel like all I've done this week is work and sleep.
I've squeezed a few phone calls in between but I've ignored more calls than I've answered.
I'm feeling like I'm on a hamster wheel and can't get off.
So many things to do that are just not getting done. There isn't enough of me to go around.
Now... this is not a complaint. My life is full. Happy full. But sometimes I miss working part time! Sometimes I miss having someone else pay the bills. Sometimes I miss having a little help with Austin. Sometimes I miss having Cody and Ryan around to help me deal with things.
Here's my to-do list that is growing and looming like a big hairy monster over me:
get a new battery for my laptop
get my haircut
get Austin's haircut
do my taxes
turn in unreimbursed medical expenses for last year
pay bills (the money is there, haven't written checks)
give this house a good, deep cleaning
get new tires
clean out my closet
put away the last few Christmas decorations
go to the grocery store
get coffee (I've been out for a week!)
fix my leaning tower of Pisa bookshelf
get Cody added to the health insurance
get Austin something to wear for Josh's wedding
get Josh the money for Cody's tux for his wedding
get the oil changed in my car

I haven't read other blogs in two weeks. At least. I need to visit my grandma more. I need to find out what Austin has done with all of his socks. I need to find a shelf sturdy enough for my big tv in my bedroom (which has been sitting on the floor ever since I moved in). And so on and so on.

Today I'm going to try to get in a few hours at work... then go to my grandmother's sweetie's funeral... maybe back to work for a few hours... then work with Robert Drake tonight... work a few hours tomorrow to make up for hours missed... and then try to knock some stuff off that to do list above... then church most of the day Sunday and.... my head is spinning! AND WE'RE LOSING AN HOUR THIS WEEKEND!

The thing is... I feel so guilty about the things that aren't getting done but yet I'm doing all I can. I'm just putting out fires... I feel like I'm not devoting the energy and attention to work that I should... I feel like I'm not parenting the way I should... I feel like I'm shortchanging my friends and family... I feel like I'm missing lots of opportunities around here to be engaged in my community. Natalie invited me to go contradancing again tonight... no time!

So this whole blog entry is just one big whine and I haven't had time to say half of what I want to say! Have to glam and dash... be well!