One day at a time...

This morning I woke up with what I would consider a "full flare" of my f-word (fibromyalgia). My back hurts from my shoulders to my hips. It's insane. I wanna crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head but I pushed through yesterday ... and I'm going to push through today... and I have to be there tomorrow because a co-worker is off and me and Angie are having lunch together ... then it  will be Friday. And that's how I make it. One day at a time, sweet Jesus.

Yesterday was the worst I've hurt in a long time but I had an appointment scheduled with a really sweet lady to help her review her life insurance plan with Big D so I had to tough it out at work. It was a great appointment... she bought a plan that is perfect for her situation and I felt good about it. If you're local (you know, in Northeast Georgia) or you're going to be visiting here... no matter how much life insurance you have in place... you should  schedule an appointment to let my boss review it with you. He does a great job at helping people discover their real needs and put together a plan they can afford to meet those needs. And... I really need to bring some appointments in. It's worth the trip, y'all. Well. Most of y'all. For some of you it would involve planes, trains and automobiles.

And if you have a chunk of money in a cd and you're bummed about the interest rates on it... and it's money that you never intend to need... you just want to grow it for your estate... why not put it in a single premium life insurance policy? You'll get a guaranteed interest rate that is way higher than what the bank offers.

Also yesterday... I wished a happy birthday to the wrong sister-in-law. I'm an idiot. Or just discombobulated.

I also forgot that I needed to reschedule the doctors appointment I have for today. I set it for 3pm and later remembered that I was supposed to do fasting blood work and... well, I'm not planning to fast all day. Overnight... sure... but all day? Nope. So... I called and they couldn't reschedule me for a morning appointment until the end of the month and that's not going to work because the second blood pressure medicine isn't working right... still having high bottom numbers... and I've been actively trying to get them to do something about it for over a month. I'm gonna have a durn stroke before they get me situated. I need a new doctor.

Angie and the girls went over the mountain to see Grandma yesterday. I soooo wish I could have gone with them because I miss my Steel Magnolia so much... but there was no way for me to do anything after work yesterday. I was so spent that I was nervous driving home. I was that wiped out. And dinner... I have no recollection of eating dinner. I did have popcorn. Not unhealthy popcorn... my microwaved honest to goodness real popcorn with no preservatives and additives... just corn... in a brown paper bag... with a little real butter drizzled on it.

I haven't put together my Easter tree yet. We're still decorated for Valentines Day.

I'm ready for March Madness. Pulling for University of Kentucky to win it all.

I'm planning to do chicken in the crockpot tomorrow. Any good crockpot chicken recipes you'd like to share with me? I usually just do chicken in salsa and serve it over rice.

Another boring blog... two days in a row... I haven't had comments in forever... y'all still out there?

Anyways... so that's my Whiny Wednesday... getting through the week one victory at a time. Love and hugs, y'all.

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24 NIV

Super Tuesday... eh, not so much.

Oreos were invented 100 years ago today. I may go buy a pack of double stuffed oreos and a gallon of whole milk and eat myself into a sugar coma.
I've started watching Fox & Friends First. They have trotted out more of their Anchor Babes for early morning fun. I love Fox News but they lean too heavily toward pimping out their news chicks. They're smart girls... just... let them dress in normal clothes, not skin tight with their legs exposed and stripper heels with a spotlight on their legs.
Trouble has gas this morning. He curled up beside me and let one rip. Such a man. My belly isn't doing so well either.
My coffee is awesome today... amaretto creamer and a touch of salt. I like my coffee strong and the salt mitigates the bitterness.
I'm living in a "no bitter" zone. I want to be better, not bitter.
Had noodles at the Japanese restaurant yesterday for lunch. They only have noodles on Monday and Tuesday. I don't even know the name of the restaurant. We call it "the japanese place behind the Racetrac gas station.
I won't be voting today since I voted two weeks ago. I will be wearing my "I voted" sticker, which I saved for this occasion.
Voting is a civic duty, in my opinion. When you think about parts of our society who were denied the right to vote... a hundred years ago I couldn't have voted.
My new blood pressure meds don't seem to be helping much. Still have the higher blood pressure.
The computer is really slow again today. Like me. Draggin' a bit.
Lots of pain today. I had a brief moment of "nope. not doing it today". But I decided to go through the motions and just get as far as I can. There are a couple of things I really need to do at the office so I'm setting a goal of toughing it out until those projects are completed.
Just feels like my vertebrae are right on top of each other with no cushion in between. I can't move to the left or the right. My pain is rarely bad enough to make me cry. Today it is.
I'm late posting my blog today and there's relatively no content.
I'm going to leave you with this verse... it's the verse of the day on www.biblegateway.com. It's my goal to praise God in all situations. I'm in pain but I will still praise Him. He is faithful.

LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” Isaiah 25:1 NIV

Wisdom thru pain

Ah... Monday... we meet again. You, with your heavy yoke for me to bear... me, with my anxiety about whether my body can handle the load. I will come against you with my hair dryer and straightening iron... my "work appropriate" clothes and my determination. I will know that whatever lies ahead, God will guide me and support me and sustain me. You, Monday, will disappear by midnight... and I will receive the reward of Tuesday while I rest and restore my soul. 

I started out this morning still meditating on yesterday's entry. I've been hit with a lot over the last 14 months since the back pain started. It's been a heavy burden and at times quite overwhelming... but, can I tell you a secret? It's been a great blessing. I have seen God's hand *ALL OVER THIS* situation. I have learned so much about my own character during this process and I have been ashamed to realize how little compassion I have shown to others in my life who have dealt with chronic medical issues. 

I am so, so, very sorry that I didn't show more compassion to my mom over the past few years as she has struggled. I have taken the position - with her and with others who are similarly situated - that if you don't ask about it, it doesn't exist. I haven't validated her pain. I haven't shown concern for her emotional well-being during the process and I know now, based on my own trials and tribulations, how alone chronic illness makes you feel. Especially when (like in my life, lately) it's ALWAYS something. 

I have learned that sometimes... when people make excuses for not being where you want them to be... and you don't like/accept their reasoning... it's because they don't want to tell you the truth because they are embarrassed about their truth - their reality. When people ask me how I'm doing, I always answer, "fine"... but the truth is that I haven't been fine in a long time and I don't believe I'll ever be "fine" again but I don't want to add to your burden by being honest about MY burdens because if people knew how hard it really is to live in this physical body every day... they would pity me... and I don't want pity. I just want to be understood. You know that people roll their eyes when you walk away... or form opinions about you... and it hurts... so it's easier to not be vulnerable to them.

I have learned - and wished - that I would have done a better job of being an example to my kids about honoring their parents by doing a better job of honoring their grandparents. We saw my parents often but they were incidental appearances.... picking kids up, dropping kids off... in that "takes a village to raise a child" perspective but we didn't DO for their grandparents in a way that I feel like we should have. We weren't *intentional* in the time we spent with them. And subsequently, sadly, I don't find my boys being *intentional* about spending time with me. I don't want them to ever go out of their way and spend time with me out of obligation. I want them to WANT to spend time with me. 

My kids have a grandmother that they probably wouldn't recognize if they saw her on the street. She was married to a meth dealer for awhile, I honestly believe she was involved, to some degree in what he was doing because she had that downward physical decline that seems similar to a meth user. Ryan was caught in a very traumatic experience during a drug raid at her house and from that point on, I never encouraged the kids to spend time with her. Yet. She is alone. Her husband is in jail. Her son (my kids father) her only child, has written her off. My kids haven't seen her in years and ... I now realize that if we had been more compassionate and concerned about her BEFORE she got involved with this guy that she... maybe wouldn't have started on that downward spiral.

I haven't just learned compassion for people who are dealing with medical issues... I've learned to be compassionate for people who are alone... or feel alone... because I am, to a large degree. People don't come to you (except Gina, God bless her for being so intentional in our friendship and setting aside time to come and see me!) (and Stasha... who usually catches me when I'm post ambien and loopy but will still come and perch on my bed and chat with me). I realize that there are a lot of people who don't have the energy to reach out, go out, be in crowds... I realize there are a lot of people who can only do what they HAVE to do (like me) and beyond that... there's not much left. 

I've also learned that in those moments where I physically have nothing left, that I spiritually and emotionally have the capacity to encourage ...on facebook, through emails and sometimes, thru "knee-mail", lifting them up in prayer. The spirit intercedes... 

I used to say that I never have regrets because having regrets means not trusting who I was at that time. I'm amending that. I do have regrets. Throughout my life I have focused so strongly on the heavy burden that I was carrying that I haven't done a good job of sharing the load with others. Everyone has something weighing them down. I'm learning to respect others' "worst thing" even if, in my opinion, on the scale of suffering, their worst thing in NO WAY compares to MY worst thing. It's not a contest. The human spirit can only take so much before it needs restoration. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes we need to look around at those who are having a time staying on the course and give them a word of encouragement...a cup of cold water... to refresh them and help them continue on their journey. 

Time is getting away from me today. My Reasons to Love Monday this week:

God has given me an ability to truly care about the struggles people face in this life - whether physical, financial, emotional 

God has uniquely situated me to be in a place where I encounter, on a daily basis, people who are struggling. 

God has continued to use my pain for my gain and His glory. It is not by accident. It is not to punish me. It is fertilizer to grow me into the person He designed me to be.

I need Him more and more every day and that draws me closer to Him. I hunger and thirst for righteousness. I love Monday because it's the day I need  Him the most. I will visit with God more today than most people visit with Him on Sunday. 

My reason to love Monday? This is the day that the Lord has made! It is full of purpose and promise and possibilities!

 

Happy Monday, y'all!

Job 32:6-8

New International Version (NIV)

 ⁶ So Elihu son of Barakel the Buzite said:
   “I am young in years,
   and you are old;
that is why I was fearful,
   not daring to tell you what I know.
⁷ I thought, ‘Age should speak;
   advanced years should teach wisdom.’
⁸ But it is the spirit^[a] in a person,
   the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding.

there are still good times to be had!

Remember yesterday when I said I was in a bloggy mood? This is the second thing that was crowding my mind... and I think once I get it committed to ink pixels, I'll feel better.

Have you ever been in a "guilty until proven innocent" situation? I used to be there quite a lot in my last marriage... and since then, I tend to avoid any relationships that put me in that position.  I usually surround myself with people who are more about "positive reinforcement" than "constructive criticism".  Without sounding self-righteous... *most* of the time... my intentions are honorable. I need people in my life who trust my character even when evidence may present to the contrary.  I have little patience for people who put me in the position to defend my actions because, without being arrogant... the truth is I feel like I deserve the benefit of the doubt! Don't most of us feel that way? Don't we all hate to have to defend ourselves?

There are a few things that will bring me IMMEDIATELY to tears:

• seeing a soldier returning from war reconnect with their family
• seeing a pet reunited with it's owner
• the last part of the following movies: Beaches, Steel Magnolias, The Notebook (and a few others that I can't remember right at this moment)
• the childrens book, "Love You Forever" which my children referred to as "the crying book" because I could never read it without crying. when they were older they would ask me to read it just to make fun of me when I cried. true story
• frustration - specifically in a situation where I'm not being heard and/or am being misunderstood or falsely accused
• situations that I am powerless to change

So, obviously, over the past 14 months or so I've been in a situation - with my back - that I am powerless to change. I can make good choices about how to use my limited resources of strength, energy, money, etc to make sure that I keep the wheels on this little red wagon to keep from becoming a train wreck. I can follow the advice of doctors. I can rely on experience - now that we're 14 months into this thing, I know what works and doesn't work, what causes pain and what doesn't... but ultimately... it is a degenerative problem that will get worse. I've accepted that.

Honestly... I'm still functioning because of  (1) my own stubborn will, (2) my love for my child - in wanting to keep the promise to him that he could graduate here and nothing, nothing at all, would make him have to ever change schools again and  (3) through prayer, both mine and the prayers of those who love me and want the best for me. If you're not a believer in God - then let's say that I'm surviving by "meditation" or "believing in positive things" or the vibrations I'm sending out to the universe.

Any way you slice, it, it's about attitude. It takes enormous mental and emotional strength to push through when you're body wants you to quit. For you it may be a marathon that requires all of your strength - for me it may be surviving the five hours between my lunch break and when I get home and can take muscle relaxers to quiet the muscle spasms that are making it impossible to find a comfortable position. For you it may mean climbing a mountain that tests the limits of your abilities- and for me it may be walking to the back of Walmart or Ingles to pick up a gallon of milk. Whatever your greatest physical challenges may be... mine, by comparison, may look like any average Tuesday to you. I don't envy you. I don't expect to be graded on a sliding scale. My life is just different now.

I don't make excuses. I may *explain* from time to time. It's hard to know that I disappoint people by not being where they would like me to be. I can't tell you how it breaks my heart that I only see my older boys two or three times a year. I wish I could jump in the car and make a day trip to see Cody. I wish I could use my vacation time for a trip to see Ryan instead of using that time for doctors appointments. I miss my mama and daddy. I want to be with my grandma more because I know she won't be around forever. I know that people can't help but assume that if I'm not somewhere I should be that it's because of a lack of interest/concern/desire or because my priorities are out of place. Truly... I have to take every ounce of energy and pour it into remaining gainfully employed and continuing to live independently. It's all I've got. My priorities at the moment are on not becoming a burden to anyone.

Recently there was an attempt to place blame on me for a situation (that was in no way my fault) and it was implied that my alleged failure was because of my physical limitations. It joined the list of "things that immediately bring me to tears". In addition to being my pet peeve of being guilty until proven innocent, frustrated because it was something I couldn't change... the word that immediately jumped to my mind was "discrimination". To know that if my back wasn't screwed up, the situation would have not been assumed to be my fault... did more to damage my fragile resolve than - well, than anything I can remember. It made me defensive about my disability for the first time ever. It said to me that my efforts have been in vain, that I am defined by my diagnosis (plural), not by the content of my character, the strength of my spirit, the experience, wisdom and intelligence that... have in no way been impacted by my back pain. If anything, though physically weaker, I am spiritually and emotionally stronger than I have ever been.

This experience prompted me to make a list of things I can and can't do and I decided that I'm still a valid, vital, productive member of society.

Here's what I can't do:

• Walk for long distances or long periods of time
• Sit on a hard surface any or ever
• Sit for long periods of time
• Carry anything heavier than a mug of coffee
• Anything that involves bending over and picking things up off the ground
• Practically anything after a work day or on some days, anything after I've sat for awhile
• Pretty much any repetitive motion - chopping is difficult
• Go from a sitting to a standing position easily
• Go from a standing position to a sitting position easily

Here's what I CAN STILL DO:

• Type really fast - insanely fast
• Be positive and encouraging - it's a spiritual gift and those don't go away, you know?
• Sing off key to the radio in my car
• Pray. I'm an awesome prayer warrior and I pray for a lot of you, every day.
• Take good care of clients, even mean ones.
• Write, fairly articulately and with beautiful penmanship (I think)
• Blog, again, fairly articulately
• Read, even more now than I used to
• Eat. I get in three meals a day.
• Go to the bathroom by myself, even though Trouble thinks I need supervision
• Dress myself - even though my fashion choices might disturb Purple Michael at times
• Manage my glam routine. I'm past due for a brow waxing but otherwise, I still do my own hair and makeup.
• Drive. I'm avoiding long distances because it's painful but I can get around on my own.
• Manage my budget... what there is to manage...
• Shop for our household.
• Pump my own gas.
• Play Castleville ( although I've given up the other games because it was all too time consuming and I was convicted of spending too much time on those kind of recreational activities instead of prayer, bible study)
• Facebook.
• Text
• Talk on the phone (although - truthfully - I still hate to do it. I'm changing my cellphone plan to be text only)
• Email
• Take great digital pictures
• Be an Amazing Aunt... a Super Sister... a Dynamite Daughter... a Marvelous Mommy... a Fantastic Friend.. Incredible Insurance agent... and so on and so forth.

The takeaway from this all for me is to continue to fight to be the best me I can possibly be... to make no apologies for what has slipped away... and to embrace all the wonderful things that remain. In the words of Annelle Dupuy in the movie, Steel Magnolias, "there are still good times to be had".

A little postscript for those who are new to my blog or who can't remember exactly what's wrong with my back... I have osteoarthritis/degenerative disc disease that has caused spinal stenosis. My spinal cord becomes compressed whenever my back is inflamed... and that inflammation is caused by a lot of different things. Once it becomes inflamed and my spinal cord is compressed, it is difficult for me to walk/stand/sit/function. I also have spondylolisthesis (which means the bones of the spine slip out of position and compress discs). The stenosis and the spondylolisthesis both can cause the nerves in my spine to be affected which causes things like sciatica (which most people have heard of but basically... it's nerve pain that runs down from your spine to your toes, causing pain all along the way. It causes numbness in the feet and makes it hard to stand/walk/etc) and piriformis syndrome (which causes a deep pain in your rear end, like if you had been sitting on a wallet for a long time). I take a slow release form of neurontin to reduce the nerve related pain. When the discs are compressed it causes muscle spasms in my back that are fierce. I have to take muscle relaxers every day just as soon as I get home from work to be able to straighten up. I can't tell you how many days the walk from my car to the house feels like a mile long... when it's about ten feet. The osteoarthritis is not limited to my spine. It affects my hands as well, making it difficult to grip things (like the timer in our bathroom at work). I also have fibromyalgia which is sort of the mother of all pain, at least, that's how I would describe it. It causes fun little sidebars of pain such as irritable bowel syndrome, (which I usually just refer to as "tummy trouble") interstitial cystitis and various random pain that just comes out of nowhere for no good reason.

Women's Reproductive Rights

I'm feeling rather "bloggy" this morning which means that I have a dozen different potential blog entries bouncing around in my head... which means that I may write several things today... or I may just get this one issue off my chest and go on about my day.

This whole Rush Limbaugh/Women's Rights/Republicans "banning birth control" issue really hacks me off. There is not a single candidate running for the Republican nomination that wants to do anything even remotely close to banning birth control. I'm not sure - other than Rick Santorum - that there's anyone running who is even pro-life. It's ridiculous that it's been twisted that way. This is not a contraception issue, it's a religious freedom issue.

Frankly, I don't care who uses birth control... that's between you and God, and (I would hope) your monogamous partner. I don't care who uses it - I just care who pays for it. If the company you work for provides health insurance that covers it - great. If you don't work and are... say... a student... and have an income that doesn't allow for you to afford the cost of contraception, march your fertile self down to the nearest Planned Parenthood center - which receives way too much government funding, in my opinion... and snag all the free condoms your heart desires. You can even go to your local health department and receive "reproductive care" on a sliding scale based on your income. Trust me on this.

All these Obamacare mandates that force companies - organizations - whomever - to include free birth control as part of their health insurance package are RIDICULOUS. I'm using that word again, emphatically, because this is a perfect example of the liberal media twisting something around in a way that makes no sense if you stop and think about it. Birth control, either pre or post conception, is already readily available to anyone and everyone who wants to use it. Forcing an organization like, for instance, a Catholic school, to pay for something that goes against the very foundation of their beliefs is a travesty... and, I'm afraid, just the tip of the iceberg with this "we'll have to pass the bill and then read it" Obamacare farce. We don't need to have Senate hearings about it with some poor, pitiful law student whining about what it costs her to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

I've listened to Rush Limbaugh for about twenty years. I catch bits and pieces of his show off and on, and I read the transcripts for what I've missed, some of the time. He's controversial and intentionally provocative and I don't always agree with him but he articulates things in a way that make politics (which, believe it or not, I despise) more appetizing for me. I heard part of his discussion about this birth control thing and I've heard this issue replayed ten different ways on the various news outlets since then. For the most point, people are twisting what he said. He said that the cost of condoms was roughly $1 a piece on amazon and if it cost this lady $1000 a year to have protected sex, it would mean that she was having sex, on average, three times a day. That's where the slut comment came into play. I know... she could choose other methods that would cost more or less than that and wouldn't depend on the frequency of her activities... but for me, as a young fertile woman, my contraception choices were based on my spiritual beliefs and my budget. I had to use what I could afford. Why should it be different for anyone else?

He over dramatized his point, to be certain. I don't like name calling, I think it's misplaced. HOWEVER... can we travel back in our time machine and look at the things that Liberal pundits and media called Sarah Palin AND HER CHILDREN??? Sarah was referred to by that "see you next Tuesday" word that is - on the sliding scale of things you don't say about a woman - much worse, at least in my opinion. Not only did they go after Bristol (who was 18 and knocked up and therefore, apparently, fair game) but they also said nasty things about the younger girls and that, to me, is much, much worse. SO... build a bridge and get over it.

And here's the thing that really gets in my craw... I'm not going to get all Church Lady judgmental about pre-marital sex... what people do with their bodies is their business... but why should we be forced to supplement the costs of allowing Miss Sexually Active Law Student (or anyone) to partake in that activity... and yet there are no government mandated provisions to pay for the things that allow me to enjoy the pleasure of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Or, more literally, to be a contributing member of society? My insurance COVERS the medications that allow me to function but I still have a co-pay and out of pocket expense. I still have to PAY for my insurance. There's no Planned Chronic Back Pain center where I can go and load up on free neurontin. Every time I go to the Pain Clinic it's $100, minimum. I pay that. Myself. Out of my pitifully small budget. Without holding Senate hearings about how sad and unfair it is.

Here's my reality: as a responsible citizen, I enjoy my freedom to live my life the way I please within the boundaries of how it impacts others. For instance... I love showtunes... I love singing along to showtunes... loudly... and usually, really, really off key... I gain much enjoyment from singing along to my showtunes... however... I don't have the right to throw open my windows and sing loudly (and poorly) to the extent that it disturbs my neighbors. I don't ask for a government supplement that forces other tax payers, my employer or the productions that I enjoy to provide my cds free of charge to me.

I'll close with a funny story so that you don't think I'm a raving lunatic on a soapbox. My friend Joy's daughter Jessie had the traditional "health" class about sex/birth control/etc that most middle school students are subjected to. Being the responsible parent, at the end of that school day, Joy opened up a dialogue with Jessie about the class and what she learned. Jessie described the different kinds of birth control they had taught them about and then paused... and said that she had made a decision about which one she wanted to use because it was the ONE THING they told them was ONE HUNDRED percent effective, all of the time so she wanted to LOAD UP on it. The only problem was that Jessie wasn't exactly sure what it was. Joy asked... "do you remember what it was called?" Jessie said... "abstinence".

That's all I'm saying.

more about Austin's birthday

I put this on my facebook page yesterday but for those who missed it... this is my sweet Trouble... aka "tubbles"... aka "Yittle Kitty".. who waits in the window every day for me to come home from work... who cries when I put on makeup or pantyhose... who sleeps on the pillow beside me... who sits on the arm of my recliner while I'm in the nest. He is just the sweetest, most cuddly, fluffy little doll that I have ever had. And the best thing is... he never tries to run away.

Yesterday was Austin's birthday. I took a half day of vacation so that I could take him to get his learners license. We've held off on him driving for a lot of reasons... I didn't feel like he was ready to have that kind of responsibility. I couldn't afford to add him as a driver on my car insurance and I couldn't afford to buy him his own car. But the biggest thing... in Georgia kids have to have good attendance in school to be able to have a drivers license if they're under 18. Austin never managed to maintain good attendance (and it's actually reported to the DMV) so we had to wait until he was 18 to get his license. He's eager to drive and I'm eager for him to learn. I'm nervous about it. Really, really nervous. But I want to do everything I can to help him become a responsible adult. So we spent an hour and a half in the hard plastic chairs at the DMV waiting for his turn to take the knowledge test to be able to get his learner's license. He did. He's happy. I'm going to see if we can find an affordable drivers training program for him to take some of the pressure off of me.

After we finished at the DMV... I let him pick where he wanted to eat... we went to Wild Wings Cafe and had wings... we were the only ones in the restaurant - it was about 3:30 - and neither of us had breakfast or lunch yesterday. I forgot to eat breakfast and we wanted to go straight to the DMV before we got lunch. He just - I think he was nervous or something. Anyways... we were so hungry and they were SO slow... I thought I'd pass out in the restaurant before they brought our food. They had a spanish language soap opera playing on the tv's with the sound turned off so Austin and I were making up dialogue and creating story lines on the different characters. We were slap happy at that point.

Austin asked if he could buy a lottery ticket - now that he's old enough. He was wanting to show off that ID. I stopped at a gas station and let him go in by himself to buy some scratch off tickets... and they didn't even card him. He even told the attendant, "I've never done this before... what should I get?" and they didn't question it.

We went to Walmart to get a wallet so he had somewhere to put his license. He was really embracing this whole adult thing. I'm so proud of him... all that we've been through over the years... he's overcome so much, he's been in situations that no kid should have to endure... he's been mistreated by peers, teachers, his step-father... he's had very little involvement from his father... he's lived in nine different places in 18 years... there hasn't always been stability in his life and he's a kid who craves stability... but he's rolled with the punches, played whatever hand he was dealt and continued to have a great attitude and unwavering optimism. He's different... he makes choices I would rather he didn't at times... he's a mess... he dresses like a homeless man and sometimes smells like one... but he really is a great kid and I am so proud to be his mom.

Whew. Now it's Friday. The extra time driving, sitting in hard chairs, walking, standing, etc yesterday really did a number on my back and I'm uncomfortable but it's Friday. Friday. Friday. I could  sing about it but I won't. In 12 hours, Lord willing,  I'll be back in my nest.

Have a great day, y'all!

my Austin

My Austin is 18 today.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I love that kid.
Every time I start to think back over the last 18 years... and the nine months before he was born... my eyes fill with tears.
I have this theory that nobody *plans* a third child.
He was a surprise. The blessing I didn't order but gratefully received.
We found out we were pregnant right before the 4th of July.
I told our pastor that Sunday morning and he announced it to the congregation... I wasn't ready to be pregnant yet but I appreciated the love that was showered on us.
I went into labor with him the first time at 25 weeks. We kept him cooking all the way to 38 weeks.
My friend Christy was pregnant at the same time and she used to bust me out of the house to go to the mall. We would walk to the first bench... rest... walk to the next bench... rest.
Miss Peggy from the church sent me puzzles to do while I was on bed rest.
I embroidered a quilt for him... I would sew for hours and hours on end (this was before the internet, you understand) and ended up with carpal tunnel sewing his little quilt. It burned in the fire last summer.
There was concern about the development of his kidneys so we had lots of ultrasounds. Lots of trips downtown to the Perinatologist.
I may have been *just a little* disappointed that he wasn't a girl. I wanted a girl so bad. But now I know that God had a different kind of blessing in store for me.
My sweet friend Dana bought his first car seat.
I went to the doctor, miserable and uncomfortable on February 28th. The dr said that she wanted to induce me but I was so far from being ready that it wouldn't work and we'd end up with a c-section.
That night I had a taco salad from Wendy's for dinner.... and I woke up around 4am with contractions... at first I thought it was gas pain from the taco salad... but it was Austin, making his arrival.
We got to the hospital sometime around 7am. They had the contraction monitor thing hooked up wrong and thought I wasn't having contractions... but I was. A lot of them. They wanted to send me home, thinking I wasn't really in labor... I convinced them to check me and I was 7-8 centimeters dialated.
No epidural... just a little demerol in my IV.
No doctor... he came too fast... 9:10am on March 1, 1994.
Our nurse, fortunately, was training to be a midwife. She... and Austin's dad... delivered him... with a room full of medical students watching.
Six pounds, thirteen ounces... just like his older brother, Cody.
They called his delivery, "precipitous labor" ... meaning that it went very fast. They said that with the next baby they would need to induce me early to make sure that they didn't come at home...
There wouldn't be a next baby. I got my tubes tied the next year, right before Austin turned 1.
So we took our sweet baby boy home... I have pictures of lots of people loving on him but my favorites are of his Aunt Angie ... who wasn't yet his Aunt Angie... holding him. It was when she was very newly a part of our family and I was so thankful for her.
The Barnes family brought food for us... lasagna, I think.
We had a lot of company and I was not quite feeling myself.
My friend Lisa took me to Kroger to buy cabbage leaves to help with my engorgement. That may be too much info but it's funny now, when I think about it. We were like Thelma and Louise breaking out of the house for thirty minutes of sanity. I think we got chinese food too.
I used to keep him under the table where the Awana secretaries sat on Sunday nights.
One dear saint, Miss Anne, was always fussing at me for not having socks on him. (he didn't like them then... and I still can't get him to wear socks). She would go to the closet where we kept the clothes for charity and get socks for him. Miss Anne is with Jesus now.
I had a baby carrier that I used to keep him in when we were at the ballfield... and between his daddy playing softball and me keeping scorebook for the church softball teams and his brother playing football... we were at the ballfield a lot.
Sweet Joy Barnes, who was ten at the time, treated Austin like her very own baby doll. She would wear the carrier with him in it and took very good care of him. She's now a mommy - a very good mommy because she had a lot of practice with Auggie.
We called him Auggie... "Auggie doggie doodle all the day"... and I still call him Doodle bug, especially when I wake him up.
When Austin was three weeks old, Cody got really sick... chicken pox... one of the sores got badly infected and he developed cellulitis in his face. It was so scary. So sad. And I had to leave my newborn baby to take care of my other baby. Cody was in isolation for several days.
To say that it takes a village to raise a child is an understatement. His dad left us when Austin was 6.
Throughout Austin's life... we have been surrounded by love and support from our church families (past and present)... our real family - he spent his summers with Mawmaw at Aunt Linda's day care center... our theatre friends and family... our friends at the ballpark... surrogate fathers like Purple Michael... great teachers... a village.
You would think... having three boys... that my love would have been divided among them... the truth is, it multiplied.
I love that child - that man - more than I can tell you. He has been with me the longest of all of my boys. He and I have been alone together since 2008 and although at times he hasn't been a great roommate... for the most part...he has taken care of me as much as I have taken care of him.
I thank God for this blessing that I never knew I wanted.
Happy Birthday Austin Clay!