Tightening the Corset Without Pity

Yesterday I stumbled across a website that had a train wreck sort of magnetism for me. I'm not going to list it here because... quite frankly, I'm a little embarrassed at the fact that I lingered there as long as I did. It was a site designed to challenge everything that a certain "high traffic" blogger writes on her site. It was painfully thorough. It included court documents, evidence of plagiarism, screen shots of contradictory things she had said and... wow. It was a full on attack against a fellow blogger that really shocked me and shook me to the core.

It left me wondering: if such a site existed against me, how much evidence would they be able to collect against me? Although I frequently cross the great "too much information" line... I'm compelled to a certain level of discretion out of respect for others in my life. And maybe... it could be said... that I give myself a favorable edit, self-deprecating as I can be at times, I'm not dragging EVERY skeleton out of my closet. I'm guilty of embellishment for dramatic effect, although, I'm quite open about these things and usually offer a disclaimer or fact check myself within each entry. Sometimes I DO contradict myself. Sometimes I'm guilty of "under-share"...

Yet... as a daily blogger... whose primary subject is ME... how much transparency do I owe my readers? You, out there, the person who doesn't really know me in real life... would you really want to know every dirty little detail of my life? Should my blog be a total confession session? Does my decision to live my life "out loud" require one hundred percent candor?

There was an incident about a year ago where a casual reader challenged my relationship with Austin, accusing me of not spending enough time with him. Trust me... or ask Austin... he would be happy to have me spend a little LESS time with him, if the truth be told. He's my last little birdie in the nest and as a single mom I'm reluctant to let him try his wings. But you can't know that by reading what I put out here on the blog. I tend to blog about the remarkable things in my life and leave the less interesting, "changed the toilet paper roll today... there are four rolls left, will have to remember to pick up a new pack at the Dollar General" type information OUT of my blog... to spare you the boring details. I want to share the things that are interesting and unusual and well, blogworthy. Most of the time... my time with my teenager... is pretty dull.

I don't think it's wise to share every thought. If I were to allow the world access to every train of thought that travels through my imaginative brain... you might find out that I can be shrewish... and mean... and sometimes bitter... and often jealous... and you might see that not every thought has been taken captive for Christ... which is my goal, ultimately, to be a girl who is worthy of the calling He has given me. Fortunately for all of us... I've learned to filter some of those thoughts and not allow them to become words or actions. Is that false advertising... for me to not let you know just how ugly I can be at times? Is it clever marketing on my part, to put a "Heather is so Holy" spin on things? Am I being dishonest?

The past decade or so of my life HAS BEEN like Job-lite (Job, as in the book in the bible, not "job" as in the place where I work)... there have been a lot of lot of lot of things that were the modern version of locusts and plagues. I have moved four times under duress - from the trailer to Woodstock to live in sin (I mean, let's call a spade a spade)... from Woodstock to Jacksonville, literally, in a trail of tears, having to leave my precious son behind... from Jacksonville to Helen, in defeat, disgrace and complete brokenness... from the duplex to the apartment here in Sautee out of what was truly an act of God (the lightning strike and fire). These have all been difficult moves and I have outlined them here... in fairly transparent detail... because they are the foundation - the setting - the scene - of my story.

There have been numerous medical issues that have popped up. I'm enough of an admitted hypochondriac to list the "worst case scenario" when these illnesses and injuries present themselves... and I'm in awe of a God who blesses me with less than the worst case scenario most of the time. I've been tempted to snag a screen shot of the list of the diagnosis' that pop up on the doctor's office computer screen when they pull up my file... it blows my mind... and if I were a casual reader who didn't know me... I would have a bit of skepticism about the legitimacy of these issues. BUT... I also know... that there are a lot of readers out there who have faced a similar domino effect of this issue begats this issue begats this issue and I know how alone I would feel if I didn't have someone else to identify with. That's the plot line of this story of my life... it hasn't been easy... I struggle physically and financially.... I live with a generally LESS than comfortable life and without God... I would have given up a long time ago.

Ultimately... my goal as a blogger... is to connect with people I might not otherwise meet... to glorify the name of God by acknowledging His many blessings in our life... to entertain... to make you think... to make ME think... to leave a legacy... to explain myself to people in Real Life that I never seem to have enough time for...

I don't think I could ever attempt to tell the entire story of my life. I would be so ashamed for  you to know how far I've fallen at times. It would be unfair to others in my life who didn't ask for the kind of exposure that makes me completely comfortable. My thoughts, opinions and perspectives are MY side of the story. It's never the WHOLE story, that would be impossible to share. I have, at times, colored outside of the lines, done things that are - while not really ILLEGAL - at times, I've done things that are unethical. It's not that I'm unable to face the truth of who I am - it's that I would never want to encourage anyone who reads this blog to travel some of the rocky, dark, unhappy roads that I have. If I can stand there with a lantern and a big red arrow to point you to an easier, smoother, more scenic path, I will.

Truth, my friends, is stranger than fiction. My blog is not meant to be a "tell-all"... it's meant to be a "share-some". I pray that you will appreciate the snippets and snapshots of my life that I'm able to share... and respect the fact that I can't share everything. I love you for coming here... I love having the privilege of connecting with you... I love those of you who message me privately when you see things that concern you... those messages, those connections are precious to me. I'm so grateful for the people who come to me with answers for the questions I have... who encourage me... who wait eagerly for the next chapter of this saga. It is a blessing and an honor to share my story with you.

just the stats...

• Weather:  32 degrees this morning ... expecting a cold and windy weekend.
• Heather: eyes swollen and goopy, earache with drainage, widespread pain, extreme fatigue, back pain, upper respiratory congestion, wheezy, hard to draw a good breath, headache
• Coffee: a little weak today, didn't use as much of my cafe bustelo
• Austin: did the dishes but left out the rice cooker, crockpot and pans on the stove and did NOT run the dishwasher
• Stubby: still losing fur, current perch is the big chair in the living room
• Trouble: currently investigating the water left in the sink, he's fascinated by water - my plumber cat
• Employment: going to work today, its Friday and I believe I can make it 
• Dinner last night: two junior hamburgers from Wendys
• Breakfast this morning: mashed potatoes - it seemed like a good idea
• Major chore for the weekend: grocery shopping
• On TV: Fox and Friends
• Current preferred Presidential Candidate: Rick Santorum
• Windstream: returned funds that they took out of my account without permission
• Tax Return: expected before the end of February. 
• Current Addiction: coupon websites - I don't have a printer so I order all the free coupons by mail that I can find
• Currently Reading: We're Just Like You Only Prettier - Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle
• Today's MUST BUY Shopping List: cat litter
• Today's craving: dark chocolate
• Devotional: Finding God in nature with Oswald Chambers
• Biggest Aggravation: Obamacare requiring religious organization to provide birth control even if it goes against their fundamental beliefs.
• Must read: the U.S. Constitution -gotta find out what's right and wrong
• Ellen Degeneres: I disagree with the "million mothers" who wanted to boycott J.C. Penney because of her
• Rosie O'donnell: told a story last night about chewing out a young boy who was handing out religious pamphlets at the Super Bowl - I changed the channel. I think she and I are breaking up. I love her humor but her real life personna is offensive
• Religion: I am a follower of Christ. I believe in the virgin birth, the crucifixion and resurrection, the age of Grace and the rapture of the church. 
• Friday: a blessing from God. Looking forward to that "Yabba Dabbo Doo" as I slide down the dinosaur's tail into my car and I'll head home to Wilma the cats
• Weekend: yes, please, I'm happy to see it
• Facebook: playing only one game (Castleville) stalking friends and family, poking back and forth with a guy I don't know but it makes me smile, love looking at other people's pictures, find lots of encouragement there
• Daily Bible Passage on Bible Gateway.com : 1 Corinthians 1:1-3 “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”
• Hope you all have a fantastic Friday. 

Thankful Thursday

It's Thursday and I'm not feeling particularly articulate today.
What I AM feeling is pain. All over. Literally... every single joint in my body aches. It's insane.
This may ultimately what takes me out of the game today... I've hung tough all week and I just don't know if I've got another fight in me for today.
Trusting God for whatever today holds... I really am... surrendered to Him.
I literally hurt from the top of my scalp to the bottoms of my feet.
The "f" word (fibromyalgia) can cause widespread pain like this. I doubt it's flu but it feels that way.
I have a low grade fever but again... could be flu or fibro... it's impossible to tell without going to the doctor.

So now that you have my daily medical report (yawn)... let's get on to this Thankful Thursday post.

I am thankful for the good night's rest I got last night...

I am thankful that I have done my taxes and will get a little cha-ching back, hopefully before the end of the month.

I am thankful that Windstream (our internet/satellite provider) has agreed to replace the funds they pulled out of my checking account without authorization. I made one "check by phone" payment and the customer service person clicked the wrong box - instead of a one time payment, she checked that this was to be a recurring payment - and for whatever reason, this procedure collected for both January and February - both of which had already been paid - on February 1st. I'm thankful that everyone I spoke with about this issue was helpful and professional. I will be more thankful when the money is actually back in my account.

I am thankful that none of the crazy relationships I have been involved in over the years has resulted in my disappearance or in permanent physical harm to myself or my children. It seems like every day on the news there's a story of a woman whose life ended because of a toxic relationship in her life. I need to become a domestic violence counselor.

I am thankful that the little girl abducted in the Bremen, Georgia Walmart knew to fight back and escaped from her kidnapper... and that he was caught. It makes me want to hold my babies closer. Although. My babies aren't babies any more.

I am thankful for my Valentine's tree. I have plans to turn it into a birthday tree for Austin. Then a St. Patricks tree... then an Easter tree. And so on and so forth according to my mood.

I'm thankful for the huge pile of unfolded clean laundry at the foot of my bed. We have plenty of clothes to wear and they're all clean, even if they aren't put away yet.

I am thankful for Trouble the cat, also known as Little Kitty. I woke up last night with the sensation of having a child sleeping beside me... took me back to the days when Austin was my cuddle buddy... I reached over and... it was my fur baby... who sleeps just like a human, head on the pillow, body stretched out beside me. Spooning me, even. I love my Little Kitty.

I'm thankful for Fox and Friends... great start to my day. Then I switch over to the Today Show to see what the Liberals are up to.

I'm thankful for The Five... great end to my day. They include Greg Gutfeld (a libertarian and atheist), Dana Perino (a sweet country girl who was Bush's Press Secretary after Tony Snow took ill) Eric Boling (staunch conservative, former stock broker, former pro baseball player, who grew up in a very low income household), Bob Beckel (staunch liberal, recovering alcoholic and token "dirty old man") and either Kimberly Guilfoyle or Andrea somebody another - token hot babe with stripper heels and a spotlight on her legs. Both of the hot girls are attorneys, which gives them a touch more credibility but I roll my eyes at the fact that they're marginalized by being the obvious sex object.

I'm thankful that I'm un-sexy enough to be taken seriously. *snicker*

I'm thankful for my friend Gina who called yesterday at work with lots of really good questions about insurance. I like sharing my knowledge with friends.

I'm thankful for all the divine appointments that come my way each day. With every conversation I try to make a difference in that person's life... even if it's a wrong number... I try to be kind and gracious. I'm not always successful but I'm trying.

I'm thankful for every day that I have the ability to go to work... the car to take me there, clothes to wear, energy to do what I have to do, knowledge to know my job well, courage to do what seems impossible some days, prayers of friends that sustain me, a God who is gracious and merciful to me, wisdom to know when to rest.

I hope that wherever you are, whatever you're doing today that you will take a few moments to reflect on the blessings in your life... I pray that you have a Thankful Thursday in your world, too~

Whiny Wednesday / Suffering Saint / Disappointed Disciples / Crisis Christians - finding hope

I wanted to make this a positive entry instead of my usual Whiny Wednesday.

Do everything without complaining or arguing... so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a wicked and crooked generation. Phillipians 2:14-15


I'm not going to complain today, Lord help me not to complain but just to share from my heart.

I've been reading Christian artist Aaron Shust's blog ... he is frequently out on tour and his wife, bless her sweet soul, is back at home raising their boys. Boy number two has a lot of health problems and they just had baby number three who has Down Syndrome and will have to have heart surgery.

They're not in a puddle feeling sorry for themselves... he's continuing to do what the Lord has called him to do... and she's continuing to be his helpmate by being strong and dealing with whatever comes her way.

I've realized that no matter how miserable I think I am... there are so.many.more people who suffer much worse with much more grace than I have.

My first prayer would always be "Lord if you are willing, take this cup from me" Luke 22:42


I've always sort of focused on that verse... the fact that EVEN Jesus didn't want to suffer... and even Jesus asked God to take the struggle away.

God left Him in the struggle because millions and millions of people would find hope, mercy, grace, peace, SALVATION through what happened at the cross.

And I don't mean to minimize the horrible crucifixion by referring to it as a struggle. It was so much more.
But I do mean to draw some parallels between the things we face as suffering servants... and the suffering that Jesus faced.

I never really paid much attention to the next verse after Luke 22:42...which says, "An angel from Heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him"... Luke 22:43


I know that on days that I know there is no way I'm going to be able to work... when I turn it over to God and ask for strength... and when I humble myself and whine and complain ask for prayer... I find strength. I go forward in the knowledge that my sweet sister in law, and my daddy, and my friend Pam and many, many more people are lifting me up in prayer each day and...

I just get up and go.

You know how when you touch something and it's too hot and you withdraw whatever body part has come in contact with the source of heat IMMEDIATELY to relieve your discomfort?

That's what my back pain has made me want to do. I want to remove myself from situations that cause discomfort but I don't have that option. I have to keep moving forward and I have to keep living my life and I have to remain in contact with the source of discomfort. And pray... that my suffering is an encouragement to someone else who is suffering... and that when they know that I dragged my ragged, pain filled body off to work, that maybe they'll be able to find strength to do that very thing that is their challenge that day.

Do you imagine that Jesus might have wanted to come down off of that cross? Yet knew He had to do the job that God had called Him to do.

There is something different about the back pain this week. I believe the discs that were bulging are in worse shape. I'm feeling sharp, stinging pain in my lower back, right where the discs were about to squirt out like a jelly donut that gets mushed in the middle. Hurts like the dickens. It's miserably uncomfortable and yet... I've made it through two very long days at work and I'm gonna make it today, by the Grace of God.

My Christian walk has been riddled with drama... I've always had *something* going on... some cross to bear... some CUP that I want God to take from me... something that I think I'm lacking... needs that haven't been met yet. Desires that need to be closer in line with what God intends for me.

I'm always standing in the need of prayer. I suppose most people are. Everyone has something that isn't working for them... some loved one they're burdened for... some "less than" situation where they don't have enough of ____________. Some "too much" situation where they're dealing with more than they can handle.

And what I see... the less I look in the mirror and feel sorry for myself... the more I look around and see other suffering servants of God... starting with Jesus Himself...

The more I see people who are still moving right on through the pain.

It's like we're a special club, The Walking Wounded. The Disappointed Disciples. The Crisis Christians.
The Suffering Saints. And we have to... I have to... make sure that I'm living a life that provides hope for the others who see my situation. I have to work at not being bitter.

Somebody, somewhere is reading my blog and struggling... with discouragement, hurt, pain, frustration... somebody out there is thinking that there is no God and there is no reason for the hope I have.

I know of someone who is dealing with a parent that she dearly loves who is facing an illness that will almost definitely be what ends his life and it will end sooner rather than later. Yesterday when I mentioned to her that I am continuing to pray for her situation she volunteered the information that her parents are not Christians. I blurted out... "where is their hope?"

How... in the world... do you offer hope to people who are suffering if they don't have the hope of a Great Hereafter. A Super Power who doesn't need a cape and tights to swoop in and save the world. He already did it. We just have to get it. To accept it. That the battle is over and the Lord has been handed whatever the cosmic version of the Lombardi trophy is... and we're here... the ones who believe... to share hope with others who have yet to believe... that they may see something different in the way we suffer.

If death is the end and illness is a slippery slope that drops you off in the grave where you'll just be there in the dark, cold ground and that's it. The end. Where is your hope?

I'm willing, as I've told you before, to live a Christian life... even if there were no "retirement benefits"... so to speak. If death is the end and there is no Heaven, I will have still lived a better life by believing that there is and by believing that my faith in God will get me there.

So that's my Whiny Wednesday. Hugs and blessings to all you Suffering Servants. Love, grace and peace to you.

^{1 Peter 3:15} But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, ¹⁶ keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

Newsday Tuesday - when I am weak... He is strong

I worked the whole day yesterday and although it wasn't easy, I was so filled with pride and gratitude at the end of the day. I made it.

Today... the pain is not as bad. It's still very difficult to go from a sitting to a standing position... it doesn't feel like my left leg will hold me up... I get up slow... but once I'm up, it's ok. The muscles in my back are in spasm... the muscles in my legs are weak. I'm extremely fatigued, as if I was wearing a lead cloak. My blood pressure is inching back up. My chest is tight - in an asthmatic way, I suspect that I have a round of bronchitis coming on. I have an earache... one of those stabbing kinds that hurts like the dickens for about sixty seconds and then eases up until the next attack. I'm struggling.

Yesterday I just had to have the mindset that I was going to be in pain no matter where I was. I might as well be in pain where I was earning money instead of being in pain where I am just feeling sorry for myself.

I know I talk about my medical issues an awful lot. This is my record so that I can remember when I go to the doctors exactly what things have been like because I'm such a "Pollyanna" that when doctors ask how I've been I always say, "fine, thank you... and you?" and I need to remember to say...
"geez, I can barely stand up sometimes and the pain is so horrible that there are times that I wish I had some kind of numbing vice... put me out of my misery, already!"

But what a beautiful thing to get up in the morning and KNOW that the only way I'm going to be able to do the things I need to do... to have the physical ability to keep moving, to have the mental discipline to hang tough, to have the spiritual awareness to realize that in my own flesh I am NOTHING and I need Him to be my everything. It's awesome to need Him.

A lot of you have these totally highly functional bodies and totally self-sufficient financial resources and don't know how beautiful it is to walk in a life that requires a savior. To ask and receive... every time I need Him and He comes through for me, I realize even more how much He loves me.  I hope... that when I speak honestly about my needs and can come back and share the next day of how He lifted me and carried me through... I hope that it gives you courage to ask for the things you need too. Or to have the confirmation that He heard your prayers for me and He answered YOU!

No matter how much money we have, no matter how healthy you are, no matter how stable your marriage and how perfect and precious your children... we all have *something* in our life that is beyond what we can control. I ask that you will trust me to pray for those things in your life... that we can pray together... so that you will also know how much He loves you. He's not a big ole cosmic Santa Claus but He is a Savior who truly, dearly loves His children. I hope you'll let me know the concerns of your heart, just like I share with you every day.

If you've never had a moment where you've encountered God, I'd like to introduce you to Him. We all know that I'm not much of a salesperson... it's the bane of my career existence, the fact that I'm far better at taking care of people than I am at changing people's minds about what they need. But I'd like to convince you to come to know Him... to change your mind about who He is.

You may see God as vengeful... or you may see Christianity as entering a world of rules and regulation... and the Bible definitely does give us guidelines for living a better life but more than that... He gives us Grace and forgiveness and mercy and peace. He wants to show you who He is... He wants you to know more about His character and to come to see Him as I see Him... or as I am LEARNING to see Him because of how desperately I need Him.

I will continue to complain and catalog my physical difficulties because I want you to know how fully and completely He provides for me. Not to brag on my own strength... but so you can see what is lacking in me, to know that I am broken and weary and ragged and unable to do what I need to do. There are so many reasons why I shouldn't be physically able to get up and go to work today... just like yesterday... and there is only one reason I can. "And my God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus"... Phillipians 4:19

That's the news for today... whatever you need... my God can supply.
Love and hugs, y'all.

Reasons to stinking love stupid Monday

A month ago today I was wondering if I would ever be well enough to work again. This morning... I'm wondering how I will possibly manage to work today. My back is the worst it's been in the past year. I did a few things over the weekend that could have done it... changed the stinking litter box... carried groceries in from the car... swept the kitchen floor. I don't know which one of those did me in but I have been up all night in some unholy pain. I can tell that a disc is compressed because there's a white hot pain in place that the two bulging discs are located... and the muscles that spread out from that spot are in spasm, wrapping around my sides. It's unreal. This is the way it hurt in the very beginning and why the doctors initially thought I was dealing with kidney stones, because of the wrap around pain.

Nevertheless, I need to dig deep and find a few reasons to love Monday, because it's Monday and that's what I do.

The Giants won the Super Bowl. I wasn't *really* pulling for either team, I thought, but I found myself really appreciating Eli Manning and really unimpressed with Tom Brady so I guess, subconsciously, I wanted the Giants to win... and they did... so that was cool.

I wasn't entirely riveted to the game. I kept switching back and forth between that, How I Met Your Mother reruns and the 25th Anniversary Les Miserables Concert on PBS. I'm well-rounded like that. It was an entertaining evening for me.

I finished reading Michael Oher's book (perfect for Super Bowl Sunday, right?) and it was interesting to see how they took dramatic liberties with the story for the movie. It read like he was incredibly bitter toward the screenwriter about portraying him as ignorant. He also was really bitter towards his mother, which I get in a sense because she basically abandoned him and his siblings but... it was uncomfortable to see it in a book. It was a good reminder to me to avoid bitterness in my writing.

The past month has been less tough than I thought it would be. I have thanked God for every day I have been able to work and I am so grateful that He has given me the strength to do what I had to do. I prayed in the early, early morning hours last night when I was struggling to sleep, struggling to get comfortable... and I asked Him to show me what I need to do today. There's such a fine line between "taking care of myself" and "being weak". I feel guilt either way I go... so I have to trust God to show me the right way...

My heart is so heavy for the parents of Susan Powell. First their daughter mysteriously disappears while her husband is on a "camping trip" in a snowstorm in the middle of the night with two preschool kids. I'm not saying he was lying but... come on... and then yesterday the husband kills himself and the two kids. I can't imaging the grief and heartache they're feeling. Whatever load you're carrying, there's always someone who has it so much worse.

My blood pressure is 134/84 this morning so it's better. I am learning that my blood pressure is really not related to the amount of pain I'm in... something that doctors have been writing it off as for a year... for me, the fact that it stayed high when I was sedated for the procedures in March and April... and stayed high during my two procedures in December ... shows me that it's not stress related, it's not pain related... it's high because it's high and we need to treat it accordingly. What we're doing ain't working.

Austin is aggravated that I won't take him to school today. He's still tired from the weekend even though he slept most of the day yesterday. I'm just glad he's going to school. He's heading out for the bus stop now.

I don't know how well I did with this week's RTLM but I gave it a shot. I hope that you find more/better reasons to love Monday in your own life! Love and hugs!

the past 24 hours....

• The past 24 hours have been really quiet in The Nest and I.have.loved. it!
• Don't get me wrong... I miss my Auggie Doodle. I especially missed him when I carried in the groceries.
• It's just been nice to be able to think in paragraphs instead of sentences. 
• Austin gets so bored at home and tends to be a little pop-up... bouncing in and out with a quick statement or thought... 
• He doesn't really *receive* information... with him it tends to be exit only... so I listen... nod or make a quick comment... and get back to whatever I was doing.
• Makes it hard if you're in the middle of a show, movie, book... makes it hard to keep a train of thought.
• But that's ok. He's mine. 
• My blood pressure is lower today but my bp headache is worse. I've noticed... since I've been keeping track of it over the past week (month) that I tend to get headaches when my bp is in the 130's/80's... and when it's in the higher ranges, I just feel really, really sleepy.
• There's a little bit of blue sky peeking through the tree tops today. It's fairly densely wooded outside my window, beyond my little driveway/parking pad. From the angle of my recliner I can see sky through the top half of the window, between the trees. 
• It still looks a little overcast but there is some blue. The temperature this morning is 51. 
• I can't believe it's already February.
• Yesterday I watched the wedding of Anna Duggar's sister. There's a blog I read about the Duggars and it gave the link for the u-stream video of the wedding. Like Josh and Anna... David and Priscilla had saved their first kiss for their wedding. 
• It was a sweet wedding. Odd at times... they did this laying on of hands, similar to what we would do in an ordination service... where people stand behind the person and put their hands on them and pray. The odd part... the Duggars were right behind the couple while her parents were off to the side. Y'all know I love the Duggars and don't have the same kind of criticisms that others have about them... but it was so obviously staged for the tv show. The Duggar sound guy was front and center. 
• It would have been like... if I had my sister-in-law's parents, who I dearly love, don't get me wrong... if I had them have a more prominent role in my wedding than my own parents. 
• Reality tv would be much better if it was less staged and more real.
• I also, just for the record, watched an episode and a half of Dance Moms yesterday but it frankly stresses me out so much that I have to not watch. When my kids did dance... there were definitely some INTENSE mothers involved... and the owner of the place where they took dance was... well, she was large and in charge, just like Abby Lee is on Dance Moms. But these women on Dance Moms are, in my opinion, abusive toward the children. They curse and fight and carry on in front of their kids. Abby talks down to them - not in a constructive manner - but in a really mean, hateful way. 
• I just can't imagine that any tv show, no matter what they're making from it, regardless of any publicity it may gain for them... it can't be worth putting your children through that kind of hurt.
• I mean... we had some intense coaches over the years with the kids but I was quick to remove my kids from any situation that was harmful to them. 
• And then, fortunately, for the bulk of Cody's sports career (up until the high school team) he had Barry as a coach and ... I never had to worry. I trusted Barry's intentions with the kids. He was (and is) a gentle spirit. 
• I'm so fascinated with other lifestyles and careers and circumstances that I can't help myself from watching these shows. It's like... back when I was first married to the kids' dad and we used to drive around looking at homes for sale that were WAY above our budget... just to see how the other half lived.
• I can't help it. I'm curious. 
• I will also admit to having spent a little too much time yesterday on the www.freejinger.org website where they discuss Duggar related issues in ... let's just say a less than favorable way.
• Got a text from Austin, "when are you going to pick me up?" 
• They're going to Sunday School. I had thought he would want to go to the Worship Service and I thought I might hang out in the crying room despite having a pretty intense headache... but I knew he would be close to his saturation point. 
• Austin and I both really enjoy being around people but really. very much. need our space. 
• I told him I'd pick him up after Sunday School. Bless his heart. 
• I went to the library yesterday and checked out three new books. I'm already reading the autobiography of Michael Oher - he's the guy the movie "The Blind Side" was about. This is the part of the story that the movie didn't cover. Interesting. 
• I'm also reading a book about life in the 1800's. Is it wrong that I was unfamiliar with a lot of the lexicon they listed as being specific to that time period but I was familiar with the swear words? Apparently I'm fluent in 19th century profanity. Who knew?
• I'm also, as I've mentioned, doing the Beth Moore bible study on James. 
• So I've got a lot of reading that I'm doing. Trying to expand my mind. 
• When I was coming out of the library yesterday... a light rain was falling... and I was carrying my three little books (since I go every Saturday, I don't get many books at a time and ... well, I can't carry many)... I was walking along, humming to myself... the closest thing to a spring in my step that my chubby little self can manage... and I crossed paths with a man, doing the exact same thing... carrying 3-4 books... walking slowly in the rain... humming... and i thought, "that's the kind of guy I need!" one who reads, hums, goes to the library, doesn't mind walking in the rain... 
• Not that I'm looking, don't get me wrong. I'm entirely convinced and convicted that *this life* is what's meant for me for now. In between my first and second marriages, there was a time lapse of 7 years. The main difference between then and now was that in between number one and number two, I was pretty much always keeping company with somebody in one capacity or another. The past few years have been the most single I have ever been since puberty and I very, very much like it this way. 
• I had prayed... for so long... Lord, send me a guy or change my mind about wanting one. 
• Guess which one He did? Gotta love it. There is absolutely no sense of there being something missing in my life. 
• I think so much of the hurt and heartache in our lives comes from being in the wrong relationship... or from adopting a worldly attitude about who we should be. 
• The world wants us to believe that we should all have a significant other. What if... just imagine this... what IF I'm significant enough all by myself? 
• I thought it would be fun if I used the little dots to separate my thoughts on these run on type blog entries. Tell me if you like this format. 
• I went to the grocery store and bought lots of ready made stuff. Here's my reality: I don't cook. I can. I don't want to and a lot of time I don't have the energy to. I need to be more pragmatic and realistic on what our life is like... not buy up a bunch of food that will go bad before it gets cooked because at the end of the day I'm just NOT Donna Reed. 
• SO that's it for now. My action packed weekend... library, grocery store... r&r. Hope you're having a good one!