Girls Night (afternoon) Out

Yesterday my sister-in-law Angie made lifetime at Weight Watchers! We had a little "Girl's Night Out" to celebrate (and to help her pass the time while Jim is in Kenya).

By the way, all reports from Kenya are good. One guy in their group got dehydrated and had to be taken to the medical clinic in the little village but he's fine now. My friend Natalie was without her luggage for a day or so but it caught up with her. It sounds like everyone else is doing fine. They will be home next Sunday. In the meantime, Angie is staying busy. She finished teaching her summer class last week. This week they have Vacation Bible School in the mornings at church. Friday night we have Vacation Bible School commencement. Saturday she is planning another girl's night out... although I will probably be picking up Austin that day.

Yesterday we went to Vanessa's house for games. Vanessa is a lady who goes to our church - she has an amazing home! Their basement is the total gameroom... has a kitchen... pool table... big game table... cozy den for watching movies... it's really nice. I think I've decided that once Austin graduates I'm going to just move between our church members... every house I've been to has been roomy and beautiful! We played games like Taboo for a couple of hours... and had a really good time. We thought maybe we were boring, just hanging out playing games but I'm telling you... it was sooo fun!

We went out to dinner at Outback Steakhouse... were able to get a table right away... had a sweet waitress... the food was awesome... it was a really good time.

There was one aspect of the evening that was really uncomfortable for me. In our group was a lady whose husband had just left her for another woman. Her son chose to be with the father. She moved into a duplex (ironically, the one directly behind me - she's my neighbor!) and left behind the home she had. The uncomfortable part for me was that she is sooooo angry and soooo bitter and every topic we had would seque into some sordid tale about her husband and his dirty deeds. It made me uncomfortable because I get it. I know that hurt. I know what it's like to be so consumed with hurt and anger that it's the ONLY thing you can think about. It made me uncomfortable because I don't want to get sucked back into a "men are pigs" mentality - I don't want to share war stories. I don't want to have to remember enough to feel those feelings again. I just didn't want to go there.

The problem with that is that I have promised God that I will share my story in His way, in His time and whenever He leads me to. I've worked hard to spare the details of my story. When I talk about Michael lately, it's usually in sharing some of the fun times we had, the jokes we shared, things like that. I try so hard not to focus on the bad stuff, for my own health and well-being.

I listened to this lady the whole way down to dinner.... during dinner... on the way back... and finally I said, "You know, you'll feel a lot better when you can get to the point where you can forgive him and when you can forgive her". "I'LL NEVER FORGIVE HIM AS LONG AS HE HAS MY CHILD" Admittedly, I didn't lose children in the wake of splitting up with Michael. Not my children, anyways. It breaks my heart still - and always will - to no longer be a mommy to Bobby or a step-monster to Stephen. I bonded with them. I invested in their lives. But they are not children I gave birth to, so I don't know how I'd feel. Well... I know a little bit... I've been separated from my kids when I wasn't ready for them to be out of the nest.

Very gently - I hope - I told her that bitterness is a cancer that destroys it's host. I told her that forgiveness is the greatest freedom she could ever earn. Every time I start to feel the anger again, every time I start to feel the hurt or disappointment again, I take it to God. I pray His mercy over Michael. I pray that God will prosper Michael, help him be a good dad to Bobby (and Stephen). I pray that Michael will one day understand how deeply I loved him and that he will one day realize the potential we had together. I pray that Andrea will find the things she was looking for by leaving dean. I pray for her children. I give God all my anger and hurt. It's His to use as He needs. I need to remember so that I can be empathetic to others but I need to be victorious to the extent that I can continue to function. It is a process. It takes work. I spend a lot of time saying, "this anger isn't mine. I have to let it go. what Michael did, he did to the Lord, not to me" (because the bible says that whatever you have done to the least of my children, this you have done to me). I have to say, "God had a plan for me... He moved me into a place where I could best impact His kingdom. This is no accident of fate. I am where I'm supposed to be".

I also told her... that she is in the process of "going through" and that there CAN be a day where she will see this as a time of personal growth. CAN... it takes work. Not everyone who comes through a marital catastrophe comes out stronger. Some come out of it crippled by bitterness. The great thing is that you get to choose for yourself what your outcome will be.

At some point during the conversation, my situation came up... the fact that I went from the hospital to the stress of packing up our lives and moving and having to find a job and a place to live in a very short time. The fact that my brother came to get me. The fear that I wouldn't survive if I stayed. We didn't share a lot of details. I don't think that's the point any more. The truth is that the end of a marriage, regardless of circumstances, is heartbreaking and devastating. The only degrees of devastation are relative. The worst thing that happens to you is your worst thing, regardless of how bad my worst thing is. The thing that matters is that you can survive the end of a marriage without bitterness.

This lady lives, as I said, LITERALLY in my backyard. I can see her kitchen window from my kitchen window. I believe that God worked things this way. It makes me a little nervous because I understand that this means that God believes that I'm strong enough to help someone else on their journey. I'm typing this with tears in my eyes... the kind of tears I always get during transitions such as the first day of school... I realize that God is telling me that I'm graduating to a new stage... I'm no longer the destroyed, desperate ex-wife.... I'm the girl who survived to be able to help others.

Time to get ready for church. Love and hugs, y'all!

weekend countdown

8:30 -Music playing on the office radio - "Got the rockin' pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu" And nine hours until my weekend begins! It's the weekend count-down! Had fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonalds for breakfast. Drinking water - goal today is four bottles. Shirley brought me "man-mover discs" (as seen on tv) so that I can rearrange my bedroom. My goal is to turn Austin's little used bedroom (he always falls asleep on the couch) into a den/library/guest room and to move all of the little used/unused furniture out of my bedroom (such as bookshelf and tv shelf that was not sturdy enough to hold my tv). I still need a dresser… my stuff is in rubbermaid containers. After all these years I still have that "newlywed" feel to my bachlorette pad. "if this ain't love baby, let me know…" A couple of my facebook friends do trivia questions as status updates. There was one this morning asking where the term golf originated. I knew the answer (Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden) and answered right away. This girl accused me of googling the answer. I'm like… first of all- heiffer - I don't have time in the mornings to spend googling random trivia answers and secondly - AS IF - I need to! I know stuff. I was like - is this a joke? In other facebook drama - there are these three sisters that I grew up with. The youngest added pictures to her facebook profile and made the caption, "me - home alone" and her older sister left a comment that it wasn't a good idea to advertise that she was alone. The younger sister flipped out… she has left all kind of facebook status updates about how people need to get out of her business and grow up and so on. I was like… wow… get a real issue! If I got upset every time someone made a suggestion that something I did wasn't a good idea, I'd need anger management!
8:45 - with 8 hours and 45 minutes to go until my weekend! I need to make a walmart run on lunch today for lightbulbs, bleach, toilet paper, rubber gloves - I've got to clean the spare bathroom. It had a little toilet overflow issue that Austin was supposed to clean up and didn't. It smells like raw sewage in there but it has to be cleaned. Cory is coming tomorrow to unstop the toilet for me - don't want to poison him. I think I'll also get some clothespins so the smell doesn't bother me as much. I started to work on it last night and decided that I needed protection against germs. It's also time to pick up my prescription refills. I keep forgetting to stop by the Rite-Aid. "Purty little love song… can't be wrong".
9:00 Just had a client stop by to use our phone. She had forgotten her cellphone and was supposed to call her husband to meet her for breakfast after she was finished at the doctor. Small town. Had a brief "staff meeting" to talk about food. It's national donut day. Theresa's husband is a cop. We talked about what we had for dinner last night. It was Ginger's anniversary so her husband fixed a special meal for them. I had salad from the salad bar at ingles. It was REALLY good and much better for me than the fried chicken and banana pudding I had planned to get from the Cottage House. We talked about ambien eating… for me last night it was sugar pops with skim milk, as evidenced by the cereal bowl on the floor beside the bed this morning.
9:15 Duane's wife and daughter are here. They're both cutie-patooties! "I want you, I need you. There ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you… now don't be sad… cuz two out of three ain't bad". That's such a mean song, if you ask me!
9:30 "Got to be startin' somethin'" I'm totally desk dancing… next best thing to office karaoke is desk dancing. "You're in my heart, you're in my soul, you'll be my friend should I grow old…" Best reality check in my life: the bathroom mirror here at the office. You can see yourself while sitting on the toilet. Nothing like getting a glimpse of all the buddha rolls and cellulite to make you realize you don't need to celebrate National Donut Day. I haven't. Celebrated, I mean. Just found a text message from Ryan from 7pm last night. Yep. I'm on top of things. I'm really excited about the Tony Awards on Sunday. I'm trying to familiarize myself with all the nominated shows so that I can be more greatly invested. I found out yesterday that Theresa has never been to a play. Ever. How does that happen? I sang a little bit of Suddenly Seymour for her… we were talking about Ginger's plant that is growing like Audrey II after a massacre. I had to give her the context since she was unfamiliar with the show… I know that my off-key renditions are not going to win any musical theatre converts… but I do like telling the stories. There are some great stories out there.
9:45 "Lady love… "… I love lyrics of songs. I hear the lyrics more than the tune. Seven hours and 45 minutes until my weekend. Yippee! My weight loss goal for tomorrow is to have lost one pound. I've gone into greater details in my weight loss blog because there's just some stuff that needs to be for a smaller, more controlled group of people. Seriously, though, I need to be able to be candid somewhere. This blog has a lot of lurkers and they're not all "Pro-Heather" and I don't want those very vulnerable bits and pieces of my life to be subject to criticism. Obviously, based on the last three years, harsh criticism of my exercise and eating habits does not lead to healthy results. I calculated that I gained sixty pounds in the last three years. That's a third grader! Little wonder I am tired all the time! Sixty pounds sounds huge… like, "how could you do that?" But then again… when you break it down… it's about a pound and two thirds a month gain. That creeps up easily! Especially if you're distracted by… well, the things I was distracted by. So my goal is a pound a week… I don't need to be thin. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm just trying to stop the pound and two thirds a month from creeping on… and I'm trying to make sure I don't die of a heart attack at 45. I've fought too hard to live to let fat kill me. "To really love a woman… to understand her … you've got to know her deep inside". It looks like I'll be down about two pounds for tomorrow. I'm pleased with that. That's how I lost weight last time - a little bit at a time - slow and steady. I just set an appointment for noon to sell some homeowners insurance. They're already insured here so there's no bonus potential, unless she buys life insurance. I just happened to answer the phone and she had no preference of which agent she saw so I volunteered. I usually go to lunch at 12:30 - I don't mind going later - makes my afternoon shorter. Yesterday when I went to lunch it seemed like half of Habersham County had been turned loose in Cornelia. I will be happy to go at some time other than the noon hour.
10:00 seven and a half hours to go. Tick. Tick. Tick. Reading the News Hub on State Farm Intranet. Always has great, relevant articles about our industry.
10:15 Reading article about how teens are texting an average of 80 times a day… and how humans have a need to unplug and not be distracted by constant communication. Just got a calendar update. Kevin's leaving early today, using comp time. He and Shirley are our most consistent as far as attendance goes. Theresa has an auto immune disorder so she has to miss sometimes due to this health issue. Ginger's out a lot. I miss FAR less than I used to because I can't afford not to be at work but I'll never be a perfect attendance kind of girl. I'm just not wired that way. Balance. This place can sustain itself without me and sometimes I need down time. It's weird, I always feel guilty about the fact that I don't make a lot of phone calls, even when I should… and I don't answer the phone if I don't feel like talking… I can be downright anti-social… but I just have this intense need to NOT have to communicate sometimes, especially in the evenings after I've been communicating all day. I don't think I'm introverted… I'm not shy… I'm certainly not reserved… but I do like to have quiet time. I WAS STARVING and had a nice salad in the fridge so I pulled that out and am eating lunch now. I'm trying to respond to hunger in a reasonable and healthy manner instead of waiting until I'm famished and no longer capable of responsible choices. Salad is yummy!
10:30 seven hours… mmm… salad… has field greens, chickpeas, radishes, sunflower seeds, eggs, dried cranberries, lite sesame ginger dressing… odd how much I really love healthy stuff and yet I so rarely "treat" myself to it.
10:45 just read an article about how Georgia prisons don't serve lunch on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and how family members think that's cruel and unusual punishment. Seriously? One mother quoted how she has to provide her son $60 a week for him to buy instant soups, cheese, beef sticks and other snacks. Her son committed armed robbery. Here's what I think needs to happen to limit prison expenses: legalize drugs and let those who abuse drugs face their own natural consequences. Lock people up for crimes against society. Remove the dangerous criminals off the streets and let those people who just harm themselves go. We would save billions of dollars. We could probably afford national healthcare (for those who think that's a good idea). And honestly, if someone in prison is going hungry, I'm not too heartbroken about it. I struggle to stretch a dollar to put food on the table - Austin can tell you that we have a lot of beans and ramen weeks - and I haven't done anything other than love and try to be loved in return to land me in my financial hardship.
11:00 Just added a vehicle. Talking about what the different types of bankruptcy are - liquidation vs. repayment. Oh, the things you can learn at work! By the way, in case you were wondering - chapters 7 and 11 are liquidation, chapter 13 is repayment. In case you were wondering.
11:15 Finished my salad. It was awesome. It was supposed to be my lunch. I guess I'll do something else light for lunch, it will be a little later than usual. Cory is not definite for tomorrow. I'm ok either way. It would be great to have some honey-do help but I am getting by ok. Either way, I'm doing some deep cleaning at the castle this weekend.
Closing in on six hours until the weekend... tick tick tick

fun stuff for kids

check this out:

http://www.statefarm.com/learning/kid_stuff/smoke/home/home.html

this has a link where kids can color online and learn about fire safety! lots of fun!

Thankful Thursday

I need to pause a moment to rewind to Whiny Wednesday… not that I want to go back in time and not that Wednesday was anything other than lovely. I just need to whine and who would whine on Thankful Thursday?
Let me see what I can do.

I'm thankful that the watermelon that burst in my backseat overnight was contained to just one side of the backseat. I'm thankful that I was able to remove it in tact, for the most part.

Yes. I should have removed the watermelon from my car on Tuesday when I received it. It was heavy. I was tired.

I'm thankful that my life has been so full lately as to justify true fatigue. Not just lazy, out of shape fatigue. Although there is plenty of that as well.

My nieces are so cute. I'm thankful for the precious things they say and do. Jamie has this thing lately where she likes the way my arm smells. I'm not sure what she's smelling… maybe since my hair is long enough to go to my elbows, she's smelling my hair. Maybe she's smelling lotion. Maybe deodorant. I don't know… she's always wants to sniff my arms. It cracks me up! The other day she was smelling their loveseat and said, "mommy… our couch smells like Aunt Heather's arm!" Last night I was buckling her into her car seat and grabbed my arm and held on to it so she could smell it.

As I dropped them off at their house with their babysitter last night, Sarabeth very maturely remembered that my sharpies were at their house. "Aunt Heather, why don't you go ahead and take your sharpies home tonight?". She sounded just like her mother! I said, "oh, thank you for remembering!"

I'm thankful that I'm around the girls often enough that they are comfortable digging in my purse. Last night as we drove to church Sarabeth said, "can I look in your purse for gum?" I handed it back to her. And I'm thankful that we're close enough that she's comfortable saying, "did you know WE'RE out of juicy fruit? Who chewed up all OUR juicy fruit?" I'm the aunt who not only always has gum… I always have JUICY FRUIT!

I'm thankful for how unreserved they are. Last night at dinner Angie split a bean burrito and rice between the two girls. Sarabeth (the beanpole) wasn't hungry - she had two muffins and a handful of apple jacks before dinner. Jamie, bless her little heart, finished her plate and then scooted over to Sarabeth's chair (Sarabeth was dancing around - it's a restaurant where we go often) and ate Sarabeth's dinner. It cracked me up! It was soooo the kind of thing that I would do! Sarabeth took her little styrofoam to-go cup of water and finished it on the way to the church. I had my cup - still full - and she said, "Are you going to give me yours since mine is all gone?" I suppose that's how it works.

I'm thankful for living in a small town. The waitress at dinner last night was initially a little haughty to me when I first sat down… they get a lot of tourists, I'm sure… she just wasn't particularly friendly… nothing I could put my finger on, she just seemed less than thrilled to wait on me… maybe I look high maintenance "no tomatoes…sauce on the side"… then Angie got there and she lit up and was much more friendly… turns out that the ladies at the church had thrown this particular waitress a baby shower when her last child was born. They ate there a lot… noticed she was pregnant… and just took it upon themselves to surprise her with a shower there at the restaurant.

I'm thankful that I go to that kind of church.

As I drove the girls home last night, it was a perfect summer evening… we rode with the windows down and since the last little bit of sun was setting in the sky, they asked for sunglasses. I dug a pair out for each. I'm thankful for the precious sight in my rearview mirror of two little red-haired girls with their hair whipping in the wind, wearing sunglasses that were way too big… and smiles that were just as big!

I miss Austin but I'm also thankful for a respite.

I'm thankful for the rain and the big magnolia tree outside my office window that is glistening with raindrops, like someone polished it.

I'm thankful that the price of gas isn't as high as it was last summer.

I'm thankful that there is gas in my car, air in my tires, that my car runs, that I have a job, that I like my job (although it is sometimes stressful).

I'm thankful for McDonald's iced coffee and fruit and yogurt parfaits.

I'm thankful for blogger babes who have stuck with me for 4 1/2 years.

I'm thankful for the little ticker on the side of my blog that shows me the vast reach geographically of my little blog.

I'm thankful that three hours of my day have ticked by already.

I'm thankful for motivation… to get out of bed in the morning, to keep moving, to get back on track weight wise… life goes on.

Wednesday

If you want to put yourself to the test, make a bold statement about choosing to be joyful. I guarantee you, folks are gonna test your resolve. Sometimes, for me, it's not just about negativity it's about arrogance. I KNOW that I know the best way to do things and it drives me nuts when someone tries to do something in a way that doesn't make sense. It's not that I'm a perfectionist - trust me, I wish I was that detail oriented - but I am stubborn - and if I know that I've been doing something consistently with consistent success... and I see someone doing something that is unsuccessful - and they refuse to listen to reason - I just want to scream!

I'm still learning. I'm still a work in progress. I think that once I reach perfection, God will take me home. For now, it's about the journey, about the realization that I'm not there yet and continuing to strive for better. To confess that I want to choose joy... and to be met repeatedly all day with situations where I have to consciously make that choice again and again and where I have to continue to extend mercy and grace to those who might not deserve it... much like I don't deserve mercy and grace... well, I guess that's growth, being aware of the need.

Today is Wednesday! Duane comes back from his vacation today. I'll leave work early today (as usual) to be able to go to church. I'm having dinner with Angie and the girls tonight - then she has to meet with Pastor Jim regarding Sunday's upcoming service. She has a full plate tonight - leading the music in the youth service, directing choir practice, etc. I'll just be in my usual position of "assistant" and Minister to the Gant Girls. It's a job I dearly love!

Must shower and glam. Have a beautiful day! Love and hugs!

choose joy

I am DETERMINED today to speak words of exhortation and not complaint.

I am determined to say things that will encourage people. I want people to feel better after talking to me. I don't want them to walk away feeling discouraged. I want them to leave me feeling inspired.

It is so easy to commisserate with people as a way of connecting with them. I just don't know that I want to connect with someone who is walking in negativity. I want to walk above the fray. I want to stand on higher ground. I want to be a beacon of positive energy.

I want to be someone who makes people think... who empowers people... who allows them to see beyond circumstances. I want to speak words of wisdom and not bitterness. I want to be kind to those who are not kind. I want to be the kind of person who people are uncomfortable gossiping with... the kind of person who makes people see possibilities, not limitations.

I live in a world of negativity. I really do. The news (see entry below) is stressful. There are people in my life who I can't be around for ten minutes without them spewing some kind of discouragement or bitterness. There are people in my life who can't see beyond their pain. There are people in my life who have chosen a path of "less than"...

I don't want that. I want "greater than"... I want to be able to do anything God wants me to do. I want to not just survive but also to thrive. I want to climb mountains... ford rivers... feel the sun on my face.... dance in the rain. I want to know that I am enough. I want to exude gladness.

I hope you will too.

stressful news

The news stresses me out.

This plane that dropped out of the sky makes me a little nervous. Angie and I talked about it yesterday... ironic that a plane disappears over the Atlantic when we have two mission teams from our church working on the other side of the world. I said, "Of course, what are the chances of TWO planes dropping out of the sky over the Atlantic Ocean in the same month?"

The abortion doctor who was murdered at church was really sad.... but I think it's even sadder that this man was taking the lives of viable babies. With today's medical technology, it's entirely possible for babies to survive when born as early as 24 weeks gestation. Instead... they are murdered. There is no other way to describe late term abortion. And lest you make the argument that most late term abortions are for medical reasons that would compromise the quality of life for the child... I submit the following from wikipedia (I purposely did not use a pro-life website).

United States
See also: Reasons for abortions.
In 1987, the Alan Guttmacher Institute collected questionnaires from 1,900 women in the United States who came to clinics to have abortions. Of the 1,900 questioned, 420 had been pregnant for 16 or more weeks. These 420 women were asked to choose among a list of reasons they had not obtained the abortions earlier in their pregnancies. The results were as follows:[3]
71% Woman didn't recognize she was pregnant or misjudged gestation
48% Woman found it hard to make arrangements for abortion
33% Woman was afraid to tell her partner or parents
24% Woman took time to decide to have an abortion
8% Woman waited for her relationship to change
8% Someone pressured woman not to have abortion
6% Something changed after woman became pregnant
6% Woman didn't know timing is important
5% Woman didn't know she could get an abortion
2% A fetal problem was diagnosed late in pregnancy
11% Other

Let me be clear - I don't think this doctor should have been murdered - but I also know that if this man was ripping babies out of their cribs and killing them once they had been born, we would want him locked up - and maybe even want the death penalty imposed. Women who have babies and toss them in dumpsters after birth face criminal charges. Why? Because the babies are viable? I don't understand. If a pregnant woman is murdered, her murderer can be charged with infanticide. Didn't Scott Peterson get convicted of two counts of murder, for both Lacy and her unborn baby? I just don't get the difference. Even if you believe in a "woman's right to choose" (and I believe that choice occurs prior to conception, not after) - how can anyone think that late term abortions are anything other than murder?

Grieve for the doctor who was killed... but also grieve for the babies crying out from the grave whose lives he took... a killer has been killed.

I'm also stressed about the GM - Government Motors bankruptcy. The fact that the government is taking over businesses in America is very telling... a huge clue that we are no longer a capitalist economy. Socialism has snuck in our back door and we have offered no complaint. I think Americans are so complacent... we fooled ourselves into thinking that change was good... well, here's your change... welcome to Robin Hood... where they steal from the rich to give to the poor... where the middle class disappears.

I could go on but my time is up - have to get ready for work!

I'm going swimming with Angie and the girls after work today. Hope you all have a great Tuesday! Yay! It's not Monday any more!
love and hugs!