My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

My Wednesday and Toms River, NJ

Lately it seems like time is flying by. I think someone bumped my hourglass and the sand is going through WAY faster than it's supposed to.

I needed to run a few errands in town this morning so I dragged my body out of bed and out of the door before I had time to think about what I was doing. An hour and ten minutes later I was back in the nest but the damage was already done. I'm having considerably more back pain today. It just really hurts, y'all. I don't know if I've done something to damage it further or if the degenerative aspect is at work or if it's atmospheric or whatever. I just know it hurts more.

Our sweet girls were here for just a few minutes today. Long enough for one episode of My Little Pony and a double hot chocolate. Jamie is highly allergic to dogs and cats and she is DYING to pet the cats down here. She said something that broke my heart. She said, "Aunt Heather, you just don't know what it's like to love animals so much and not be able to pet them!" She thinks she may be growing out of it. I don't know. I let her pet Stubby because he has shorter hair and gives the best and loudest pay-off in a purr so loud you think it's a machine. She told me of all the different dogs she had been able to pet lately without getting sick and she said that she's here all the time without getting sick. I didn't mention that my mom vacuums before she comes over or that almost every time she's here we spend at least part of the time outside. I pray she grows out of her allergies and will one day be able to love on some fur babies. And I love that it matters to her.

Yesterday in my genealogy research, I discovered that the Tom from Toms River, NJ is my 8x great-grandfather. It seems like the best stories of my ancestors all route through New Jersey. If I could afford it (and could physically stand it) I would love to take a road trip that connects the dots of my old ancestors' stompin' grounds. That would put me spending a lot of time on the Jersey Shore. Anyways... a little info on Ole' Tom... and his descendants leading to me:

Much of the early history of the village of Toms River is obscured by conflicting stories. Various sources list the eponym of the town as either English captain William Toms, farmer and ferryman Thomas Luker, or a Native American named Tom. In 1992, as part of celebrations commemorating the township's 225th anniversary, official recognition was granted to the tradition that the "Tom" in "Toms River" was for Thomas Luker, who ran a ferry across Goose Creek (now the Toms River).[46] During the 19th century, Toms River became a center for shipbuilding, whaling, fishing, and iron and lumber production. The settlement andthe river were usually spelled "Tom's River" in its early days, though its current spelling has been standard since the middle of the 19th century.

It was over 300 years ago that the Luker blood line mixed with the american indian. It was from the marriage of Thomas Luker and Princess Ann and the birth Of a baby boy named Daniel Luker that the blood of two nations became as one for thousands of future descendants.

Ol' Tom wrote these words for the poem of life.

The brothers three soared o'er the sea.
on the back of a big blackbird.
One wed Roose, they ate goose.
The blackbird had no legs to run
But across it's breast was carved A Falcon
Tom Luker was recognized as Tom River [ an indian name to the Unami]
They loved old Tom and gave me my home on the river bend.
I like it here and here i'll stay until the very end.
Puma means "White Friend" so the indian claim
I've been called "Tom Puma" so many times
I'm beginning to think it's my name
Luker means river in indian tongue
And along this river my new life begun.
This little shire may never know fame
But at this time, it bears my name.

And so it was that Goose Creak became known as Tom's River. Tom was given land by Ann's father.

Four years after the birth of Daniel [1701]. Tom built and ran a ferry.
After Tom's death the land and ferry was given to Daniel who continued to run ferry.


Thomas Luker (1670 - 1701)
is your 8th great grandfather
son of Thomas Luker
son of Daniel Luker
son of Thomas Luker
son of Thomas Jr. Luker
daughter of James Luker
daughter of Eleanor B Luker
daughter of Sarah H Donahay
son of Clara H Shafto
son of Bruce Bronson Gant Sr
You are the daughter of James Edward Gant Sr 


And that's the story! Happy Wednesday, y'all! Love and hugs!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Stuff That Happened Yesterday and Today

Stuff that happened yesterday is in bold...

Pop made danish from scratch

Jamie tried dark chocolate with chilis (it's very, very good and not spicy at all). This is unusual because my nieces are not adventurous when it comes to food. Jamie wouldn't even try Mawmaw's cheesecake on Austin's birthday. My mom makes the best cheesecake. It's a no bake cheesecake made out of eagle brand milk and cream cheese. Very creamy, almost like a key lime pie. But Jamie checked out my snack basket and saw the chocolate and gave it a shot.

I fixed Jamie my famous "double hot chocolate". I use two packets of hot chocolate instead of one.

I watched How I Met Your Mother. I'm very invested in this show and love the little snippets we're seeing of Ted with The Mother but this season has been a bit of a letdown. It's like they're jumping the shark every episode.

Bonus points if you can tell me where the term, "jump the shark" came from.

I (almost) finished reading "Tales From Bed" by Jenifer Estess. She was the founder of Project ALS and died from the disease in 2003. Reading the story of someone who becomes so profoundly disabled in such a short period of time really changes my "woe is me" to a "life ain't so bad". I can't do a lot of the things I used to do but I am still able to do just about everything I need to do. I say that I almost finished because there were only a few pages left but I was so very sleepy that I wanted to wait until I was more alert to finish it.

I started reading a book about clothing in England for the past millennium. My love of history and my love of fashion collide in this book and although it's not necessarily a fast read, it is fascinating.

Next up is a book about the Hatfields and McCoys. I finished the book by Truett Cathy on Sunday. I'm reading a lot. I also downloaded a biography on Amelia Earhart on my Nook. I have 156 unread books on my Nook and a stack of four library books still to read. I think we'll refer to this season of life as my Literary Expansion. I'm loving learning new things and expanding my knowledge and just immersing myself in the stories of peoples' lives.

It's overcast and cool here but at least it's not snowing. I worried about my oldest son making the drive from Macon, Georgia to Pennsylvania on Sunday so that he could beat the storm. He did. And then we worried about my sister-in-law Angie being able to get out of Indianapolis yesterday. She did. It's cold here today but it just means that my parents get to have another fire in the fireplace and it means that I "put the kettle on" for hot tea a little more frequently. In other words, it's not really an inconvenience at all. Back in the childrearing years this would be the beginning of baseball season and I would be sitting at the ballpark wrapped up in a sleeping bag trying not to freeze to death.

I found some dresses on zulily that I really want. During the Summer I wear a lot of dresses rather than shorts.I'm not sure if I should spend the money but a new dress or two would help stretch the old "lounge wardrobe". I try to wear things that are comfortable but could be worn in public. The other day I had on leggings and a sundress of tshirt material with a cardigan over it. My brother asked why I was dressed up! You can seriously be comfortable without "letting yourself go".

Someone asked for my turkey-veggie meatloaf recipe. I use a pound or two of ground turkey and add a can or two of chickpeas that have been mushed to smithereens by the food processor. To that mixture I add a variety of mushed to smithereens vegetables and fruit. Last time I used a granny smith apple, two different colors of bell peppers, parsnips, spinach and cabbage. I've also used beets, carrots, onion, celery, pears... anything and everything you can image. It's a great way to incorporate a lot of produce into your daily diet. Once I've got all the meat and veggies ready, I add in a grain - last time I used regular oatmeal - and an egg or two. The amounts of eggs and grains is just enough to bind everything together. This time I used teriyaki sauce to flavor it so I didn't use salt. You could use tomato sauce, barbeque sauce, whatever you like. With a big variety of veggies you don't need to add a lot of seasonings but use whatever you like. Seriously, this is very versatile and it never comes out the same way twice. I form into loaves and bake at 425 until it's all done.

We had fish sticks, turnip greens, rice and blackeyed peas for dinner. Very simple but really, very good. I'm ready for farm stand (or backyard garden) vegetables.

My back has been bothering me more than usual. I emptied litter boxes and carried laundry upstairs over the past two days and honestly, that's about all it takes to begin a "pain episode". I don't HAVE to do those things but sometimes things need to be done and I don't want to ask someone else to do them. Of course, then I do them and can't do anything else for days.

Right now I'm watching Saturday Night Live that I recorded from last weekend. Jim Parsons was the guest host and I absolutely adore him. He reminds me so much of Purple Michael. Michael's partner Ross doesn't see it but I do. I feel like I'm watching Michael whenever I'm watching Jim.

Anyways... nothing on the agenda for this week. Reading, working on my family tree and stuff like that. Happy Tuesday! Love and hugs, y'all!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

The Weekend In Review

Trouble in his nest on top of our utility shelf
Yesterday was Austin's birthday. My youngest child is 20! Cody and Marquee came up to spend the day with us. Jim and the girls came over for dinner. (Angie is out of town for work so she missed out on all the fun!). Pop made country fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy for us. Austin wanted crawfish so he made his own low country boil out on the grill. Pretty much everybody went for the country fried steak. Then we had cheesecake with peaches. Austin's girlfriend Charity came over to eat with us and then they went to the movies and to the Mall of Georgia (which is about an hour away). We had a good time and ate until we were stuffed. I think it was probably one of the best birthdays Auggie has ever had. We're all a little wiped out today.

I did a little internet research and found an email address for the folks that own my Great-Grandparents old home. I emailed and asked if we could bring the Steel Magnolias (my grandmother and her sister) by to visit the grounds. I didn't want to impose - I'd be a little freaked out if someone asked to come into my house. They wrote back right away and said they'd be delighted for us to visit. I'm very excited at the prospect of our old girls being back at the home that was their mom's for 52 years and am working with my (second) Cousin Alisha (our dads are cousins) to arrange a time to go. I'm really surprised that we got such a quick and positive response.

Ladder that Austin built for the cat to climb to his nest
This has been the most boring tv weekend in forever. I'm going to watch the Red Carpet stuff but I don't care much about the pre-pre-pre-Red Carpet stuff that has been on since noon today. Nor do I care much about the Oscars. I'll have them on but I'll probably be reading a book. PBS is a toss up today between Suze Orman (no thanks) and a documentary by Skip Gates (who I love). The Skip Gates documentary series is being used as part of a fundraising drive *yawn*.

Jim and the girls came and had lunch with us this afternoon. My sweet Jamie came down to watch a little bit of My Little Pony with me and since she wasn't going to be here long she explained how that particular episode ended up and told me I had to watch it until the end because I didn't want to miss the ending. Everybody needs a Jamie in their life. Sarabeth is also a hoot. She has a wry sense of humor and cracks us up all the time.

I did a lousy job taking photos yesterday but here are a few:

 Birthday boy who hates having his picture taken
 Mom serving cheesecake (notice the PDA in the background - that's Austin and Charity)
 Mom, Cody, Oscar, Sammy and Lily
Cody was really happy to be here. I promise. Lily looks terribly thin because of her cancer. She is eating much better now but can't keep weight on her.
 My daughter-in-law, Marquee
 Sammy and Lily are best buds and have really missed each other since Lily is a full time Mountain Dog. Sammy always cleans Lily's ears for her.

 Marquee, Jim, Jamie, Sarabeth
Sarabeth is now tall enough that I have to reach up to hug her. She's taller than me.

 The spread. I could have eaten it all by myself. I LOVE country fried steak and gravy! I was careful to save room for cheesecake, though.
 Jim, Sarabeth, Jamie, Pop, Charity
Charity was not angry. She was talking.
 This was supposed to be a selfie of me and Jamie but my half looked like a crazy drunk Aunt so I cropped me out. I wasn't drunk. Crazy, maybe, but not drunk.
Happy to be here, I promise.















Our weather has been beautiful and mild. We've got a little cold weather coming in next week but for the most part, I think Winter is in the rearview mirror.

Hope you're all having a great weekend! Love and hugs!



Friday, February 28, 2014

7 Quick Takes Friday

Seven Quick Takes Friday... I'm not linking up with the interesting and entertaining folks who do 7 Quick Takes but I'm following that format because I'm not feeling terribly creative. Blog parroting? Sure, why not?

1. After roughly nine months without a cell phone, I have a new (to me) phone and a new (to me) phone number! This means for all my Real Life Friends (and family) and for all my Bloggy Friends who are very real to me (and many are LIKE family) I need to trade digits with ya. I can't get the numbers off my very old phone. Maybe I could but it's not worth the effort. Not that YOU aren't worth the effort. I want to know how to get in touch with YOU, I promise. And vice versa. It's just embarrassing to drag my seven year old pay as you go phone to the people who deal with antique phones. So message me or email me your number if you want me to know it. And vice versa. Although I can't promise to answer the phone ever because I just am not fun and social like that, I will frequently respond to a text because I am all about typing on a tiny little Barbie doll size keyboard. Because even though I'm not what my friend A.T. calls "Thumb Girl", you know, the people who always have their face buried in their phone, I still have that skewed modern mentality that actually speaking with someone is too much work. Here's the real story: I must always multi-task. I can't just sit and watch tv, it must be tv + laptop OR cooking + listening to the tv OR reading with the tv on in the background. Ok. Maybe tv is the real problem but the thing is, talking on the phone requires undivided attention and that's not usually fun for me. And this Quick Take is no longer quick so... moving on....

2. I listed the books I got at the library the other day or rather described them without titles. There was one more book that I actually started reading first that is really awesome. It's by Truett Cathy, the founder of Chick-fil-a and it is very enjoyable. I have true literary a.d.d. I can't finish one book before wanting to start another, not because the first book isn't good but because I can't wait to read the next one too. I need to have a day where I keep the tv off and just read nonstop. But that day won't be tomorrow because...

3. Tomorrow is Austin's 20th birthday and we are going to have a big time in our small town to celebrate! Ok. Big time might be an exaggeration but Cody and Marquee are coming up and I can't wait to see my Granddoggie Sammy! And his mommy and daddy, of course. And Austin is doing crawfish (gag) and we're having country fried steak and cheesecake and who knows what else. I'm expecting a full belly by this time tomorrow!

4. Not that I didn't have a full belly today! Remember my turkey veggie meatloaf that I used to make for me and Austin? Basically I do a meatloaf that is half ground turkey and half mushed chickpeas and I pack it full of all kinds of minced (and therefore invisible) vegetables. I made it today for the first time in several years. Today's version had cabbage, spinach, parsnips, red and orange bell pepper and a granny smith apple tucked in with it. It was a great solution then to getting in extra servings of vegetables when I didn't feel like cooking a big meal. I'm doing such a bad job with nutrition lately even though I know, like I really KNOW that eating right fixes so much of what ails me so I made a batch of turkey veggie loaves.

I'm running out of Quick Takes...

5. Did you see Grey's Anatomy last night? It was sort of hard to follow at times but I'm so happy that April and Jackson are together. They just make sense together. I never really watched Grey's before I was home during the day. It's our daily "soap" since all the soaps I used to watch have gone off the air. I'm still bitter that they took Guiding Light off. Even though I'm on my third loop through the entire series, I still enjoy Grey's enough to record it if I'm going to be away from the tv when it's on in the afternoon. The afternoons now are showing the time around when Izzy gets the brain tumor. Even though I know how it turns out, it's entertaining.

6. I'm not a big movie fan. Well... not a CURRENT movie fan. I'm all about some Turner Classic Movies and know way more about old cinema than someone my age should. But I am a big fan of the Oscars. I love the pomp and circumstance, the tradition, the red carpet. I love the human interest side of it. And having worked in local theater and seen how much of themselves actors pour into a role, I love seeing folks be rewarded for their efforts. My favorite thing about theater is the production process, all the effort that it takes to bring words from a page to life. I can only imagine how much bigger that process is with movies. In another life I would have been a Costume Designer. Or a Stage Manager. Or a Production Assistant. I want to be there and enjoy the magic but not have the entire responsibility.

7. The battle with ambien continues. I've taken half of one every night this week. I haven't attempted to go without because it has been such a busy week. Next week when I don't have to be out and about during the day, I'll go back to waging war on insomnia. For now, I'm just proud that I'm able to get by with less.

And that's about it for today. Hope you have a great weekend! Love and hugs! And don't forget to send me your phone number!

Thursday, February 27, 2014

New Lawyer, New Hope

I want to recap my visit with the new attorney while it's fresh in my mind even though it's exhausting to think about it right now. Just to get you up to speed... when I initially filed my disability claim with Social (in)Security, I used a big national firm that advertises that if you don't win, you don't pay. I liked that bet. They also advertise a 97% success rate. I haven't ever used an attorney before other than my divorce (she was literally an attorney/travel agent but she got the job done). It never occurred to me that a company that boasted such high success rates and only got paid if they won could possibly ditch anything that wasn't a slam dunk. Until they ditched me.

Ultimately their reason for dropping my case was exactly what I needed to know - my medical records didn't adequately support my case. This spurred me to go through the expensive and painful process of getting a Functional Capacity Evaluation, also known as an FCE. Once I had the FCE results... that I couldn't sit for long or stand for long or climb stairs ever and that their investigation shows that my pain is legitimate, etc... but also said that I could do light duty for 8 hours a day... I was really discouraged. After reviewing the results with my doctor who explained that the report really gave us exactly what we needed, it showed that I was truly having trouble with certain activities which, along with the other things that factor in that they can't evaluate in a physical exam (things like migraines and fibromyalgia) make me basically unemployable.

My doctor gave me the number for an attorney that they have worked with quite a bit and I held onto that phone number from December through last week before calling. The truth is that I couldn't handle the possible rejection of another attorney declining to take my case and I couldn't handle the possibility of an attorney who would take my case but only for cash up front (which I don't have). I knew I had some time before the case went before a judge and I needed a time out from it all. It's really very overwhelming to not be able to work. It's not even like a fun extended vacation. I can't ever get away from the financial roadblocks, even though I have a place to live. It's always stressful figuring out how to pay for medications and doctor visits and car insurance and life insurance. And then you have things happen like the whole debacle of trying to wean off blood pressure meds and having my blood pressure shoot through the roof.

At any rate... three paragraphs in and I've only told you how I ended up going to see this attorney and haven't even started talking about the visit. SO... I go to see this attorney who is highly recommended from my doctor. I worried about him not taking my case. I worried that he would want money up front. More than anything I just wanted to come away from the meeting with hope. I just needed hope.

He took a long time with me. He was very, very thorough. He was kind and when I teared up he actually teared up with me. I can't swear that it was sincere but I felt like it was. After reading through everything that's been submitted so far and getting a lot of background from me he started outlining how he would handle my case. He told me what exhibits he would put together. He told me who he would want to talk to and what records he would get. He walked me through the rest of the process and he counseled me on how to answer certain questions. For instance... when I'm asked how long I can sit before I'm uncomfortable, the answer is "it depends on what I've done the day before or the week before" which is SO true! My level of pain is entirely based on a dozen other factors such as weather and activity... He also is digging so much deeper than the other attorney did. He's going all the way back to what happened in Jacksonville and showing that I'm dealing with way more than just pain and how insult added to injury over the course of many years before my back pain ever started. Let's face it... I've had a lot, a lot of stuff wrong with me for a long time. He's incorporating the depression factor along with the pain. The truth is that the two are Siamese twins. You can't have chronic pain without depression and a lot of times the depression immobilizes you even when the pain doesn't.

He says that it's very difficult to get disability for someone under 50 years old. He also said that he doesn't take cases that he doesn't believe he can win. However he's not one of the attorneys that you only pay if you win. I don't have to pay until the case is finished but I do have to pay either way. That's a scary proposition for me but the truth is that I don't have a lot of choices. I could maybe find another big disability group to take the case on but based on my experience thus far, I'm not sure I would be well represented. It's like being penny wise and pound foolish. I have to go with the best representation I can find. The other thing is... I can't go through this process of sitting and pouring my heart out to lawyer after lawyer until I find another one and I won't find another one who is as accustomed to dealing with my doctors. I feel like he's my best chance.

The reality is that it's probably going to be another nine months AT LEAST before my case gets heard. Over the past three months I've felt like I had the full burden of this case on my own shoulders and it was too much. I may have mortgaged my soul to hire this attorney but I can honestly say that when I walked out of that office for the first time in a long time I had hope.

And now my week of way too many things to deal with is over. Tomorrow is back to the same old non-grind. Saturday, Cody and Marquee are coming up to celebrate Austin's birthday. Spring is coming and it feels like life is back on track, as crooked and crazy as my track may be. I've got my medical care situated for awhile, I've got an attorney getting my case together and I can catch my breath for a minute.

Love and hugs, y'all.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Home

Home. Over the years that word has meant a lot of different geographical locations for me and my kids. I would have loved to be the June Cleaver type mom with the lovely two story home in a nice neighborhood. Instead I was an over-worked, under-compensated single mom in a trailer that I struggled to afford. For a blink I had the right house with the wrong man. After that I had a third floor condo in sunny Florida but it was anything but home to me. And then I came here to the mountains and found a peace that I've never found anywhere else.

But my first home was here -

1001 Oakdale Rd NE, Atlanta, Georgia. My great-grandparents moved into this home at the end of 1923,  when my grandmother was only six weeks old. She's now ninety. The home had one previous owner but only for about a year. It's in the Druid Hills area of Atlanta on a street lined with large old trees. The magnolia tree to the right of the photo made a lovely canopy for us to play under as children. Dr. Charles Pelham Ward was an Atlanta physician who had lost his first wife in childbirth leaving behind "Pelham" and two young children. He met and married a lovely widow, Sara Jane Bulloch Baldwin in 1917. They had Jane in 1919, then my Grandma Leta in 1923 and then Bette in 1924. 

It's a nice, large home with a big backyard where they kept a vegetable garden and a few farm animals. I doubt you'd find many homes now in the Atlanta city limits with farm animals or even a garden in the backyard but it was rather normal then. Granddaddy passed away in 1939 but Grandma Ward stayed in the home with her children and his children and an assortment of relatives and other strays until her death in 1975. 

This was also my dad's first home. He was brought there as a newborn by his young parents. His cousin Leslie was born the same week and her parents also lived there. Can you imagine two new moms in the same house? My grandmother was a single mom during most of her child-rearing years and 1001 Oakdale Rd was her home base, her safety net, just like my parents' house in Riverdale always was for me. 

Even though I was very young when she passed, I remember many things about the home. I remember the Mormon missionaries living in the apartment on the first floor. When you walked through the front door there was an apartment to the right. That little apartment was my first home. There was also an apartment over the garage which was, if I remember correctly, my brother's first home. There was a very creepy cellar. A bathroom by the back porch for the help. I'd be embarrassed by that if I didn't know how kind and generous my Great-Grandmother was. The home had radiators for heat, those old ugly iron things. I was scared to death of accidentally touching them. And there was a lovely sun porch on the side of the house with gliders and rockers and an old-fashioned sewing machine. There was a breakfast nook where we would eat most meals. The rule was "no sipping before the blessing!" and that iced tea was so tempting! 

The family couldn't afford to keep the house once Grandma died. I remember being there while the house was cleaned out. Among the random items discovered were a button hook for those high button shoes, Civil War swords, a 3 cent stamp... I was 7 at the time so it's odd that those things stuck in my memory. Even then I was a history enthusiast, I suppose. 

At one point, a few years ago, at the top of the housing bubble, this house was valued at over a million dollars. It's not worth as much now but it's still in a very desirable location. I would love to be able to walk through the house once more, just to see what memories it brings back for me. 

Our home here at Cedar Hollow is our new home base. I love having my nieces here after school. I love that there are enough rooms to have the family spend the night at Christmas. I love that we are making memories here. I doubt my parents will get to spend fifty years here like Grandma Ward did at her home but what years they do have, I believe they will be full of adventure. 

I'm two/thirds of the way through a very busy week (for me). I went to the doctor on Monday. I had my eligibility interview for the free clinic today. I'm approved as long as my medical records back up the fact that I have high blood pressure (no worries there... ). They'll call to set up a lab appointment and a doctor visit in the next two weeks. They'll call in the next two weeks, not sure how quickly they'll get me in as they are only open to see patients one day a week but they were very nice there and everyone waiting was friendly. It's different to go to a program that is a free, privately run program versus a government program. There is no feeling of entitlement, no attitudes on the part of the employees or patients. Instead it was this sense of cooperation - workers donating their time and talents and recipients grateful for the gift and blessing they were being provided. I'm certainly grateful. 

Tomorrow I see the new lawyer and hope he'll be able to take my disability case. If not, back to the drawing board. I'll be glad to get through with the appointment tomorrow and have this week behind me. It was nothing painful but it has been stressful and tiring. 

I went to the library today and picked up a new selection of books. I've got a sleeping cat on me so I can't get up to get the list of them for you but there's a book by Charles Krauthammer, there's a book about the Hatfield and McCoy feud, there's a book by a woman who has a disabling illness and there's a book about historical fashion. There's something I'm forgetting. Anyways. Still enjoying my library time and appreciating the opportunity to "visit" other places and stories and to expand my mind a little bit. 

Add in Farmville2, sudoku, a trip to the grocery store with Pop (where he treated me to a Starbucks visit!) and you've pretty much got the full story of my week. Hope this hump day finds you well. Love and hugs, y'all!

Monday, February 24, 2014

About Being Tired & Other Assorted Monday Whining

I had a really rough night of very little sleep Saturday night and spent all day Sunday feeling like I was in a fog. Last night I rewarded myself with a little sleep aid and was tucked in bed before Downton Abbey came on. It helped. I slept until 6-ish this morning.

Sleep is my best friend and my enemy all at the same time. I need it so bad but when I lay down at night I feel so much pressure to fall asleep that I can't. I saw the doctor today and he said that losing the dependence on ambien is a great idea but not if it means I end up exhausted which exacerbates pain. He's ok with the "use it sparingly" or "as needed" dosing. The truth is that it takes 2 or 3 days to catch up from one night of poor sleep. Everything in my body lends toward exhaustion even if I get enough sleep. I have sleep apnea and fibromyalgia and of course, my constant companion chronic pain plus the whole COPD shortness of breath carnival ride. I'm tired even when I'm not sleep deprived.

Anyways. I feel so bad complaining about being exhausted when the most active thing I do over the course of the day is climb the stairs three times to eat. I know that Throw Back Heather who was working two jobs and raising three kids and dealing with all the stresses of not having enough money or time thinks that Current Day Heather is a real whiner. TB Heather is all, "cry me a river" and CD Heather is going, "YOU JUST WAIT". The worst kind of tired is the tired that comes from doing nothing at all. Staying alive is exhausting.

Plus I have this man-child living here who has unpredictable outbursts and tantrums that would give a two year old a run for it's money. Trying to talk him back to rational behavior is a delicate dance. You have to agree with him enough to engage him in conversation and yet somehow help him come to the realization that his reactions to things are not quite right. It's mentally exhausting.

I found out that my additional lab expense (the extra $200 I was billed) was due to a questionable result on a lab test. It showed a *possible* use of lortab along with opiates. The opiates were fine, I'm prescribed those. The additional screening showed that there was nothing else in my system besides what I was prescribed. No explanation of why it would show up, just a fluke. A $200 fluke. That I haven't paid because... well, I don't have $200 to throw away. Dr. Matt said they really try to avoid doing the additional testing especially since I am "self-pay". However, the sad truth of the matter is that they are closely scrutinized because they prescribe pain meds and if a test is borderline, they have to err on the side of caution. Pain patients are truly a second class culture in this country. I'm telling you, smoking pot is becoming more and more attractive. I haven't and I won't but the hoops I jump through to be able to legally relieve pain is just wrong.

The good news is that they agreed to let me come every three months instead of every other month which will save me over $300 this year. Hopefully I'll get accepted to the free clinic and they can help with some of the pain. They can't act as a pain clinic but maybe we can handle some of the things that cause pain like the evil gut pain that had me wrapped in knots today. Probably half the strong pain medicine that I've taken over the past few months has been because of that pain. Seriously, you have no idea how much I want a diagnosis and remedy for that pain. Let me just go back to the normal stuff that I've grown accustomed to...

I got really nauseous and dizzy on my way back from the doctor. I was fighting the urge to purge and literally counting the minutes until we were back home. When I got here I curled up on the loveseat and my sweet niece Jamie covered me up with a blanket and turned the tv to Curious George before she headed outdoors to play. Stubby has taken over the couch so nobody can sit there without moving his huge feline self out of the way. Austin made homemade tomato soup and grilled cheese for dinner and that went down ok so maybe it was just a fluke that I needed to puke. Teehee. Sorry. I went too far for that rhyme. Other than the aforementioned extreme exhaustion, I'm fine now.

My adventures for tomorrow include the library and pharmacy if I feel like it. If not, I'll just tack those tasks onto my trip to the free clinic on Wednesday. My apologies to those of you out there who work 12 hour days and are still raising kids and actually DO things that make you tired. I know I don't have the right to complain but... it is what it is.

Happy Monday. Love and hugs, y'all.