My Dental Health

If you've been around for long, you probably know that I've spent the last dozen or so years trying to get my dental health sorted out. I spent a lot of years without dental insurance / as a single mom struggling to make ends meet and unfortunately, there was never money to do what I needed to do with my teeth. About fifteen years ago I got an estimate that it would take $13,000 to completely fix my mouth and to be honest, that was pretty accurate.

Once I got my Social Security Disability lump sum payout, I got busy sorting out my mouth. Things didn't go well. I had a lot of complications... it ended up being more expensive and more painful than I could have ever imagined. I LIKED my dentist but there were some decisions he made that probably weren't the best for me... things that probably should have gone to an oral surgeon instead of being done by a regular dentist.  We had discussed my pain situation at length in advance and he was fully aware of what medications I was taking. He called and talked to my pain doctor and they sorted out what meds I could take for the dental procedures. I confirmed with my pain doctor that he had talked to the dentist and that the dentist had permission to prescribe additional pain meds as needed. This is very important since I am on a Narcotic Agreement with the pain doctor. I literally cannot take anything for pain without his permission.

Then in the middle of a very painful complication from an extraction, when my pharmacist called the dentist to verify the prescription he had written for me, he told her that he had "no idea" I was on the other pain meds. This was a complete lie. I was so frustrated... it's hard enough to keep from being labeled a pill seeker when you have chronic pain and then the dentist makes me look like a drug addict... so I stopped working on my mouth for awhile because I honestly just couldn't face the pain and worried that it wouldn't be treated appropriately. I was afraid to be in pain and not be able to have it treated appropriately - or be refused at the pharmacy. Then my mom got sick and I just flat out didn't have the time to spend recovering from the next dental procedures.

SOOOO... finally last October I got my wits about me and went to a different dentist to get things finished up. I had one more major procedure to go through before I could get fitted for partials and finally, after all those years, have a mouth full of teeth. My dentist recommended an oral surgeon because I had so many complications in the past. I did my pre-op visit, we were all ready to go and.... two days before my last procedure was schedule... the oral surgeon was in an accident and broke his femur. He was out of work from October through February! You really can't make this stuff up! I struggled for a while trying to decide if I should go with a different office but... I trusted this guy. I had already gone through all the preop (and more importantly, PAID for the pre-op) and by the time I realized it was going to be such a long wait, we were already close to Christmas and then our trip to New Orleans. The LAST thing I wanted to do was go to New Orleans while recovering from oral surgery!

At any rate, in March I was finally able to get an appointment and have the last bit of surgery done. The Oral Surgeon was UH-mazing! The procedure was so fast that it was over before I realized he had really gotten started. The pain was completely bearable, I had no infection, no complications... it could not have gone better. I probably had about 3-4 days where I was uncomfortable but I was well enough to go to Marvin's the very same day as the surgery.

I have about half the teeth I should have so it is not easy to chew... I'm living on yogurt and softer things but I can manage just about anything... it just takes longer. I went in two weeks ago and had a mold made for my partials... I went in this past Monday to have the next fitting and in two weeks they will have the whole thing completed. I CANNOT wait to go out for a big, thick, juicy steak! I will probably gain twenty pounds in the few months after my teeth are ready and I don't even care. I'm just so glad to be past this. Now... of course, I still have some teeth that need work and there is still some additional expense (and pain) ahead. Chewing with half a mouth puts additional stress on teeth so there will be more work ahead, it's inevitable... but I'm glad to be past the worst of it.


So be prepared for lots of selfies with big toothy grins! I'd love to hear about  your dental experiences, bad and good, especially with partials since that is a whole new world for me. I also wanted to sort of set aside the stigma involved in all of this. I wasn't able to take care of things when I should have and there's no shame in that. I did my best to get my boys raised- mostly on my own- and I prioritized their well-being over mine. I'm sure I'm not the first mama to do that. I also imagine I'm not the first person to be terrified of dental work. It has taken me a long time and I'm really glad to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shop around, the second dentist was far less expensive than the first dentist I used in my town. He also made me feel more confident. Be honest with your dentist about your fears and past problems. That made a huge difference for me. And if you can't afford it all at once, just keep plugging away. That's what I had to do and I'm glad now that I did. I'm also grateful for the support from my mom and dad along the way - driving me to procedures, helping with expenses I couldn't afford, etc. And to my fella who helped me recover from this last procedure.

I hope you're enjoying my return to blogging! Thanks for your support, it makes me WANT to blog!

Living With Pain / Just Your Average Tuesday

I want to do a detailed post explaining all the intricacies of my various and a sundry medical conditions because ...

• some people are curious
• it's helpful to me to record the progression of things
• people search the internet for people who have similar conditions to their own

There are lots of diagnosis' involved with me. Unfortunately, today is not a day where I can dig that deep into things like that because today.... I AM IN PAIN. I never have a day without pain, ever, but I definitely have days where I am better able to function than other days. Today is one of the lowest functioning days. At this moment I am currently experiencing the following:

• left sided migraine
• left eye blurry and weak and running
• excruciating pain in lower spine
• muscle spasms shooting out from tender part of spine
• it feels like there is a wire between the tender part of my spine going up to my left temple and every inch of my body along that imaginary wire is extremely sensitive 
• hip pain on both sides, most painful on the left 
• my lower belly hurts... this happens a lot when my spine hurts and the general consensus between gyn, primary care, pain doctor, radiologist is that there is nerve damage that wraps around me there
• my left shoulder hurts as if someone has a knife into the joint
• when I stand up I feel horribly dizzy and weak
• every step shoots pain up along that imaginary wire so even just walking to the bathroom is miserable. 
• light sensitivity
• and as a result of the meds I feel really sleepy but also restless

Usually Tuesday is a big day for me. I pick Cosy up from her mom's when she wakes up and we spend the day running errands and getting Nana ready for date night. I do the usual girly things like taking a shower, shaving my legs (sometimes, sometimes I forget) shampooing, drying and flat ironing my hair... makeup, packing for two nights away from home... gathering whatever snacks and stuff I need to take down with me, load the car... meet my fella at his house after he gets off work and then we head to the ballpark for his softball game (or two- tonight is a double header). Depending on what time the ballgames are over, we may go to Twisted Taco for my favorite - ahi tuna on wonton tacos and his favorite - korean taco, ... yikes, I can't remember his other two tacos... then we run by Kroger to make sure we have a small something for breakfast the next morning AND THEN we go to his house, get tucked in and watch tv until midnight.

When I woke up with the migraine this morning ... initially it was one of those that make me spill my guts (and not in a chatty, girlfriend sort of way)... so I sent a text to Tasha letting her know that Nana is not up for Cosy Duty today and I set about doing the things that make me feel better... smeds, sleep, ice... I was going to just post a short little Facebook message describing my trials and tribulations but I thought this would be a good opportunity to explain for my blog readers what life is like when things aren't going well for me.

And now the dog is barking at some imaginary something. His face is covered in a blanket so it's not something he sees.

I am FULLY expecting that I'm going to stay in bed until noonish and then be 110% better. I'll get that shower, do the glam routine, handle my errands and make it down to the boyfriend's house in plenty of time to cheer his team on/spend two hours playing on my phone while he plays softball. So far I have never postponed date night because of illness... at least I don't think I have. And... bottom line, once I get to him, he does the driving, the toting... and I just have to be. He takes good care of me.  Stay tuned to see if I make it to date night!

Reasons To Love Monday

I always feel a *little* bit guilty complaining about Mondays because... honestly, my Mondays don't really suck as much since I'm on disability. However, I tend to be a bit of an empath and I know a lot of you are facing a busy workweek / week of parenting / whatever and I do feel your pain. I really do! So even though we have to drag ourselves out of bed, knock the pollen off our cars (except for Wendy in Oz because I think it's not Spring down under currently, is it?) and commence this first full week of May... I found a few reasons to love this Monday! Here goes!

• 1. I'm bloggggggging! I haven't done a RTLM post in a really, really long time.
• 2. I DO have to take Austin to work (or Pop might, he sometimes does on Monday) and I DO have to pick Austin up from work... but at least he has a great job that is convenient to our house and they are so nice to him.
• 2.5 Austin gets paid every other Monday and this is not payday so I don't have to drive him into town to the bank today. It's the little things. (By the way... if anyone wants to let Austin practice driving with you, let us know!)
• 3. It's not cold and it's not hot yet.
• 4. I'll probably get some Bonus Cosy Time today since her mama has to work and grandma has a doctor's appointment this afternoon.
• 5. Today is fitting number two on my partials that I have been working towards for nearly fifteen years. I am so close to the finish line on this whole dental nightmare! I think there's one more fitting after today and then I get a full set of chompers near the end of the month. (I have a blog post written that will sort of summarize my dental journey... it will be posted some time this week, probably)
• 6. It's Marvin's Thursday... so, basically Friday Eve in his (our) world! He is off from his day job on Wednesday and Thursday so that's serves as his weekend. His weekend = my weekend since I usually stay with him when he's not working. He does host trivia on Wednesday and Thursday night but... more on that in a future post! But Monday means I'm only one day from seeing him again and that makes me happy! 
• 7. It wouldn't be RTLM if I didn't include some kind of food love... I LOVE the Bolthouse Farms fruit juice smoothies. They aren't cheap - usually $3.09 for 15.2 oz at Ingles, $1.94 for the same size at Walmart. BUT they were buy one get one free at Ingles this week so I did a mini-stock up and will be able to boost my fruit/veg intake this week. Chewing has been rough for the past month or so SO having juices helps me feel better. It's fresh juice so I don't think I can stock up too much because they will go bad but I may swing by and pick up a few more.
• 8. I woke up with a bit of a headache but I'm going to just trust that it WILL get better before I have to go to the dentist this afternoon. Advil is a Reason To Love Monday because it gets me through a lot of them. See also, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so forth. 

How's that for my return to Reasons To Love Monday? Can you pitch in with a few of your own? It is much easier to post a comment on the Facebook link to my blog post - and it's actually easier for me to see them so feel free to add your RTL there! Have a great day, friends!

Dating at Fifty

I have a list of things I want to blog about but I'm going to guess that the subject you're most interested in... at least the one I would find most interesting is dating, so I'll start there.

In the midst of all the exhausting, humbling, terrible time that was my mom's last few weeks on Earth, I got a text from a guy I had dated before. His nine year old son had died in a tragic, terrible accident the day before and he wanted to let me know. His son, Nick, died on August 16. My mom would die on August 18. I got the text from my fella on August 17. Those dates are relevant for you to understand the intense emotional circumstances he and I were experiencing.

Marvin and I had dated back in early 2009 but... both of us were still legally wed, although we were not living with our spouses. It didn't feel right and... in retrospect I realize now that I was in absolutely no condition to enter into a relationship. His son was an infant. My kids were not happy with the idea of me dating anyone so... it just didn't work.

We sparked up again at the end of 2010... started chatting, etc then on January 18, 2011, my world completely changed when I woke up with horrible back pain. That was the beginning of this nightmare of physical pain that would eventually force me to go on disability and change EVERYTHING in my life. He came to see me once after the pain started but... I just couldn't begin to understand how a relationship with anyone would work while I was dealing with my new normal. He was the last guy I kissed for... many, many years.

Over the years I would see him post pictures with women he was dating and... not gonna lie... I felt jealous. As far as I was concerned I would never, ever, ever date again. I could not imagine a situation where anyone would want to deal with the restrictions I live with on a daily basis... making plans that you have to cancel because of pain... being afraid to go more than twenty minutes from home in case the pain becomes to much to bear and I'm unable to get back home... avoiding anything and everything that could cause pain. I drew a very close circle around myself and shut pretty much everyone who wasn't family outside the circle. I didn't trust anyone to be able to deal with me and my pain.

So when Nick died, I had spent the past month- maybe month and a half- learning to grieve. I was ready. I knew a lot of stuff about grieving... the death of an older, sick person. Knowing that a perfectly healthy child went off on vacation and came home in a casket was beyond any level of pain I could possibly comprehend. My heart just broke for my fella (who was not my fella at that time, of course). I didn't have much to offer him but I did have time and so whereas normally I would not have responded to texts or answered phone calls, I made a point of being one hundred percent available to him. By helping him, I helped myself because I had someone who I could talk to who understood where I was in a tragically real way. We talked and texted a lot. He came to my mom's funeral which, honestly, was the most precious, selfless thing I could possibly imagine. He had Nick's funeral to attend the next day but he made the effort to be there for me. We weren't in a relationship, of course, at that point, so it was basically just a few minutes of chatting after the service and then I had the family stuff to do but just seeing him there... that was one person who was there purely out of concern for me... he had never even met my mom. It was such a precious thing to me.

I can't really say for certain at what point along the way I began to see us as a potential couple and not just two really broken people talking each other through a really painful time. We have tried to figure out what our "anniversary" is and the closest we can determine ... September 16th he came up to see me. We watched football and talked and... you know, hung out together... so it was somewhere between August 17th and September 16th that we decided we might like to spend time together. He came up again on September 30th and... same thing, basically.

I think it was the first or second week of October that I started going up on Tuesday nights for date night. Due to his work schedule, his weekend is basically Wednesday and Thursday so Tuesday night in his world = Friday night for most folks. He lives about 45 minutes away so... I can drive down and back in the same day if necessary but... we're grown ups so I usually stay overnight. I think we have kept that midweek date night fairly consistently ever since October. There have been a few exceptions where I came on Wednesday instead of Tuesday... and at some point it expanded from just Tuesday night to Tuesday and Wednesday night. Basically, though, that's the time I have set aside for my fella every single week and woe be unto any human who tries to come between me and "date night". It's essential for my mental stability.

**Disclaimer** I asked my fella if he wanted editorial control over any blogging I do about him, us, our relationship, etc and he said, "no.". He's a relatively private person and I would rather cut off my left arm (I'm left handed) than do or say anything to hurt him so believe me, blogging about our relationship has been something I've put a lot of thought into over the past few months. I do think that our relationship is unique for a lot of reasons that I'll go into in future blog posts and I think it might be interesting for those who might be entering the dating world as a more mature person... or a less-abled person... or a person who is dealing with grief and therefore a little more vulnerable than the average person. I think what we do, how it works for us, etc. is worth sharing and I'd like to do that if you're interested. I'd like to explore topics that are unique to more mature folks... and to explore the ways that dating is the same, no matter what your age!

For now, I'll just say that I'm having a great time and I really appreciate having a significant person in my life. He's a good man, he treats me well, he puts up with a lot and I think most of you would approve!

Welcome Back!

If you're reading this post it means that I have decided to start blogging again! Before I post this I want to have a few blog entries ready to go so... it may go up today (May 6th) or it may be significantly later! I updated a few things in the side bar but this page needs a drastic overhaul. It's going to take some time to get things fully up and running so lets just say we are currently under construction.

My blogging hiatus had a lot to do with the current political climate in our country (the United States, just in case you don't know exactly who I am or where I'm from). Things are so volatile and people take things so personally. There has been so much "people talking without listening" to quote the song, The Sound of Silence. There's a level of vitriol and a lack of empathy that doesn't jive with my non-confrontational personality. It became frightening for me to speak my heart openly because I felt like any strong opinion one way or another could be offensive to someone I love on one side of the argument or another. While my fella likes to "poke the monkey" (as he likes to say)... I don't. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I like to bring folks together and that just wasn't happening.

My blog style has always been sort of a daily mind dump... whatever was on my mind that I could share (without telling stories that weren't mine to share), that's what would make up the meat of my blog. Then all of a sudden I couldn't just say what I wanted to say... and I was also dealing with a brand new set of emotions as my mom's illness was progressing. Everyone wanted to argue about politics and I was in such a raw, vulnerable place emotionally that politics seemed trivial and ridiculous to me. I didn't have the emotional energy to have political discussion in the midst of things like making life or death decisions about mom's health. It was too much so I just shut down.

Once mom passed and that battle had ended, I just felt so stunned and ... alone. I didn't have words to describe life in those days and weeks. Fortunately, I had started talking to my fella and we both were in the same weird place of "what now?"and we were able to sort of fill in the blanks for each other. He was someone I could talk to without having to talk about things unless I wanted to and vice versa. We grew really close really fast and he is still the person I talk to about everything every day.

Losing my mom made me feel like I lost the one person on the planet who loved me unconditionally, who was there for me no matter what. I lost my safety net. As a woman without a life partner, my mom was the one who held me together when I was falling apart. Nobody else has the emotional investment, the inclination or the time to deal with "real Heather". My dad handles the financial stuff but not the emotional stuff - and he just doesn't get the pain and suffering involved in my life. Austin is good at the physical stuff like carrying in the groceries or taking out the trash but he will never have the magic cleaning and sorting powers my mom did. My sisters-in-law touch base with me periodically about how I am emotionally and that helps but they're both busy raising children and being career women and supporting my brothers. My fella is awesome at filling the empty hours. He is good company, he is a naturally positive (and funny!) person who is tender enough to shed a tear with me occasionally but he is also grieving and working and... not my mom. What I am is saying is there is no one who could ever take her place and there is still a big ol' hole in my heart that I don't think could ever go away.

I say all of that to say this: I'm not the girl I was before. Sometimes I'm more of a bitter brew than I used to be. I'm a bit rougher around the edges. I joke that my dad lost his filter when my mom died... but the truth is that I lost mine too. Some of the things I might not have said before because I ran everything through the filter of "what will my mom think about this"... I might just say now. She got a rotten deal there at the end and watching her suffer was the hardest thing I've ever lived through and I'm forever changed by it. In some ways I'm more sensitive to others than I could have ever been before and in other ways... I'm like, get OVER yourself!

I'm going to work on a few posts now so that you have a little something to look forward to. Once I know they're ready to go, I'll publish this bit. I'm going to need A LOT of encouragement! Let me hear from you... share my blog with people who you think might enjoy it. Ultimately, it's not worth it to me to expend the emotional energy of blogging if nobody sees it or responds or give a flying flip.

So here we go again!

Since I Last Posted...

Hello, old friends! I find myself alone in a quiet house and I thought I might bring you up to date on my life. I'm not sure how long this will be as I still struggle to communicate without tears. You just don't know how deep the hurt can be until you live it. We have passed the six month mark since my mom died. As sad as it was to go through the funeral and all that surrounded it, I've been surprised to find that distance does not necessarily equal healing. I almost wish I was still that naive lady on the day of the funeral... that girl didn't know yet what it meant to go six months without talking to her mom. I miss her so much. There are so many things I wish I could tell her, ask her, do with her... A video came up on my Facebook timeline today. It was my mom and I watching Cosy draw on my sliding glass window with chalk markers, practicing writing her name. It was the most basic of days but my mom laughs in the video and I realized how much I miss her laugh. I'm so glad I obsessively photographed and videotaped those last two years of her life... I was recording my grandbabies but also got so many memories with my mom.

But I don't want you to think that I'm in a dark place. I miss her, definitely. I think of her every day but I certainly don't cry everyday. There's a lot of happiness in my life right now. The babies are growing into such fun, amusing, adorable little humans. I still can't get enough of them! We have Cosy spend the night at least once a week and we have her a couple of days besides. I'm working diligently on potty training her and we have such great little moments while she's perched on the potty trying to make things happen. Oliver just got back from Disney World where he boldly went up to each and every character giving high fives and hugs and just living his best life. That kid is fearless! I see him about once a month and we FaceTime often.

I'm also still dating... in a relationship... I don't know exactly what you call it... with the guy I mentioned in the last blog post back in October. We tried to figure out what our anniversary date is but the best I can tell you is that we have been in constant communication since the day before my mama died. I spend a day or two a week with him and it's good. We have fun together. He is good to me in the way that you always hope will happen... but never has before in my life. I love him dearly and I'm so grateful for the role he plays in my life. He's a much more private person than myself so I will check in on Facebook on date night once a week but I don't really post a lot of stuff on social media about us because he's just not into that kind of exposure. We went to New Orleans together over New Year's and we made a trip to Tennessee a few weeks back. He comes up here every now and then but mostly I go down to his place because we get a bit more privacy there... and it's a nice break from routine for me. He works a lot but he's good about staying in touch with me throughout the day and it's a healthy outlet for me.

Health wise... as I had suspected there is additional damage to my spine that was confirmed by MRI. The radiologist thinks surgery is a good idea but my pain doctor (who has more extensive knowledge of my case) says no, not yet. The problem is that my spine has a degenerative aspect to it... stabilizing the part that is bad will only add more pressure to the other parts of my spine. So it's a temporary fix, at best, before new/additional/potentially more serious damage develops. My pain is sometimes horrible and restrictive and frustrating but I am doing more now than I used to and I feel like I have a good handle on things. Getting out and about with my fella does sometimes leave me a bit worn afterward but... on the other hand, he takes good care of me - carrying the heavy stuff, dropping me off as close as he can so I don't have to walk far, building a lot of rest time into our time together... so I get the bonus of a change of scenery without hurting myself. We are no closer to understanding my autoimmune issues than we were a year ago which is entirely my fault. I never followed up with the rheumatologist because there were just so many other things that took priority last year. I have a lot of migraines still. I have a lot of muscle pain and weakness. I have fallen a few times because my legs just don't hold me up. I have some really overwhelming fatigue and could/would sleep my life away if not for Austin, Cosy and my guy.

And the dog. Lord help me, I have assumed my mom's role of caring for that needy little dog. My dad spends as much time as he can away from the house - it's his coping mechanism - and that means that the dog who must have human contact or he will DIE (he thinks) is glued to me constantly. This is part of the reason I prefer to go to my fella's house... no dog. My dad is doing well, I think. He does tend to stay gone a lot but he did when mom was alive, too. The house isn't as tidy as it used to be. Pop has a lady friend but she lives an hour away so we haven't met her yet. I'd love for him to find a nice lady closer to home just because he would have company more often. I'm too much of an introvert to be sociable at home much and... I'm grieving, too. I need quiet time to myself - away from the dog - which only happens when Pop is home.

So that's a small peek into my life at the moment. I post periodically on Facebook, mostly photos and the occasional wordy status update. I post on Instagram, it's more my speed to the Insta-stories. I'm still waking up every day and giving life my best shot. I miss you all and wish I could commit to blogging more frequently but right now, I just don't have it in me. Hope you're all well! Love and hugs, friends!

The Next Chapter

What can I tell you about the fifty-one days since my mom died? We have grieved. We did all the things you do... we had a viewing and a funeral. We gathered with family and friends and celebrated her life. People were kind. We received cards and flowers and phone calls and messages and were just completely showered with love and compassion. By the way, do you know that if your loved one is cremated, the flowers from the funeral are brought to your house? We literally had flowers on every surface, standing in corners... we pulled them out of arrangements and put them in vases. We enjoyed the heck out of them but it was definitely a moment of ... "what are we supposed to do with all of these flowers?" The fridge overflowed with food beyond what we could possibly ever eat... and yet none of us really felt like eating. We went to sleep and woke up and she was still gone.

There is more work to do since she is not here. As a child - and even as a teenager - I would come home from school and my room would be spotless and my laundry would be done and folded and put away. It was like living in a hotel. My mom watched other people's kids and even though she had really busy days, our house was always clean and dinner was always cooked. In these years since we have been grown and moved out (and in my case, moved back in again) she cooked less but she still could see dust bunnies that no one else saw. She was constantly in motion... the minute Pop left the house the vacuum would come out. She would come in search of dirty laundry and dishes and could not rest until everything was tidy- both inside and outside of the house. Since she's been gone the house is less tidy. The litter box is cleaned less often and I only do my laundry once a week. Every little thing out of place is a reminder that she is gone... the weeds around the flower beds, the cat fur in various places, even a counter that needs wiping down... the things she quietly took care of all of our lives... they no longer are automatically done.

Some days the pain is suffocating. Some days I can't choke back the sobs and the tears fall in an instant. People will ask, "how are you?" and it reminds me that she's gone and although I'm ok, I will never be the same. I appreciate that people care but it takes me back to reality every time. Pop plays more golf and stays busy because it's so quiet for him when he's here. I take care of the spoiled little dog just like mama would, not because I like dogs... but because I loved my mama and I want her to rest easy, knowing that I'm doing my best.

Physically I hurt a lot more. I did some additional damage to my lower back in those last tough weeks of her life. I was scheduled for an MRI last Friday but I wasn't ready to deal with it yet. There's a disc that was bad and based on the symptoms I'm having, it may have gone from a hindrance to a surgical situation and I just don't have any idea how to go through that kind of health crisis without her. She was the only one who ever truly understood my pain and although I try to gently remind these guys I live with that I do have limits... they have never lived it so they don't quite get it. There have been a few times where I have tried to stand up and my left leg didn't work. Twice I've fallen because of it and THAT is scary and humiliating and frustrating. It reminds me that I HAVE to do things for myself now because mama isn't going to come down the stairs with dinner on the nights I don't feel like searching it out for myself. I've lost weight... about twenty pounds this year. It's not a healthy weight loss, it's from not eating some days and then on other days eating an entire container of ice cream and ridiculous amount of trick or treat candy. Wendy, my Aussie friend, you'll be happy to know that I converted the vase from the flowers you sent into a candy jar. We're all enjoying it. And by we, I mostly mean me and Cosy.

There was some baby mama drama in Austin's life that has... crossing fingers... resolved itself. On my mom's birthday the police were called both when we picked Cosy up from her mom's and when we took her back. That's a personal record for us. I just wanted to be with my sweet girl and there was a bunch of craziness going on. My heart was gripped with fear for my sweet girl and broken with grief and it was all just too much for me. That's probably been the worst of it for me. My mom always fought for me, prayed for me, shared my burdens and she's just not here for that any more. Pop gets it... and trust me, he loves that baby girl to pieces... and she has becomes Pop's girl. She cuddles with him and shares his meals and if Nana doesn't do what she wants, she goes and tells Pop on me. But my mom was the one person on earth that I KNEW loved my babies as much as I did. I could always count on her to be in my corner and it's hard being in that corner alone.

You know how people will fixate on some certain sign or symbol that their loved one is near? Like... a butterfly or a ladybug or .... whatever. We got these wind chimes from the church in remembrance of mom. They're not like the normal, metallic sounding chimes (those get on my nerves) instead it's a full, rich, deep tone like a bell gently ringing. When the wind blows I tell Cosy that Mawmaw is singing to her. She's learned to listen for it and it's so precious when she notices it first. Cody got a new tattoo with angel wings (because my mama LOVED angels - we have them all around the house!) and whenever anyone says "Mawmaw" Oliver will grab his dad's arm and point at the tattoo. Oh, how it breaks my heart that these babies will never remember her, that she will be in photos we show them and in the stories that we tell but they will never know how special they were to her. I want to write a children's book for the babies - Oliver, Cosette and my nephew Finn - with lots of wonderful stories about Mawmaw. I just haven't been strong enough to do that yet.

Grief is something you can't avoid. You must go through it. You can dry your tears and clean your face and go about your normal life but in those quiet moments, it is there waiting for you. You can't go around it. I have been gentle with myself, allowing tears when they come. I have been doing a bullet journal. It's sort of a cross between a planner and a diary. I do a lot of doodles... write quotes that I find particularly moving... write down a memory of each day... record pain and what triggers it. It's a cathartic outlet for creativity that helps me see where I've been in this journey. I try to keep a normal schedule and connect with the world outside our little lake house from time to time. I allow myself little indulges here and there...

There's one more thing that has helped me through this time that I want to share with all of  you who come here and read my blog and love me and support me and always wish the best for me. Two days before my mom died, a friend of mine lost his little boy in a tragic accident. He sent me a text on the day before mama died letting me know about his son and we started texting... both of us sort of lost in the kind of surreal, raw emotion that only such deep grief can bring. From the time I hurt my back until now I have had zero interest in being in a relationship with anyone. I've had ... interested parties, I guess you could say... but I've just never wanted to be a burden to anyone else. I've had to focus inward and gain an understanding of what my life was going to be. The last guy I kissed all those years ago (six years and nine months, roughly) was this guy. He was always sort of unfinished business in my mind but the time was never right for us. Until now. And now... obviously, I can't say what the future holds but right now is good. He came to mama's funeral even though it was the day before his son's. He's good company, he's kind and caring, he's patient and he gets me... the me that is living this next chapter of life, post-mom. I have no idea what it feels like to lose a child but I do know what it feels like to lose someone who is a vital, precious part of your life. So I laugh at his jokes and wait quietly when he doesn't feel like joking. We talk on the phone a lot and hang out when we can and it's just a nice, warm fuzzy, happy corner of my life right now for which I'm extremely grateful. It makes the well of grief not feel as dark and deep since there's someone standing in the cold water with me.

What happens next? So many of you have written me sweet, kind messages of encouragement. I feel like I joined a sisterhood of motherless daughters and I've learned a lot about what to expect from your experience. I'm so grateful for each and every one of you. We got through (barely) mom's birthday. Pop is going to Connecticut for Thanksgiving to be with my brother and his wife (who very sweetly invited me along but I need to be here with my babies and grandbabies and maybe my friend, depending on what he's feeling up to on that day). My nephew, who recently came out of the Jehovah's Witness faith is thinking about coming down for Thanksgiving to learn about our family's traditions. I hope he can come... that will give me the encouragement I need to do a normal Thanksgiving. Otherwise we might go for rotisserie chicken and stove top stuffing. I'm just setting the bar really low for the holidays, not trying to do everything like we did with my mom. Life is different. We have babies around so there will be joy, and I will celebrate in the way that feels right in that moment. My mom and I talked about an idea for stockings for this year and I'm excited to carry out the plans we had made. I have already bought some gifts that will remind people of my mom in a fun way (I hope it's fun, anyways). Life is different but life is good right now and I wanted to share that with y'all. Love and hugs!