out of commission

Welllllll... the power cord for my laptop that I just replaced on January 1st is no longer working. The warranty was for thirty days. Go figure. The battery was not really holding a charge and would go dead within seconds of being unplugged so I know I need a new battery and definitely a new power cord. Until I can get those replaced... I'll be pretty much out of touch.

I know how y'all worry!

I'm at work this morning, lots to do, just wanted to update. love and hugs!

just put things where they go

I have a solution for a large percentage of the world's problems - at least for my problems: just put things where they go.

I came across this epiphany today through great trial and tribulation.

Last night, on the way to church, I stopped for gas. There is this one gas station in town that doesn't have a credit card pay system and I always forget and go there. It was raining and stormy and we were on the way to church so I handed Austin my debit card with the instructions: "put it where it goes" and asked him to hand me cash from my wallet to go inside and pay for gas. When I came out, I saw the debit card laying on top of my purse, loose in the car and I said, "PUT IT IN MY WALLET WHERE IT GOES". My children know where things go in my purse. They are my co-pilots. My children do not have that healthy fear of women's purses that most men have. My kids dive right in. They know where things go... from my phone to my lip glosses to my sunglasses. They definitely know where my debit card goes.

So today I had to go to the windstream office to pay for our internet, phone and satellite. I got in the store and.... no debit card. I looked all through my purse. No debit card. Six dollars cash on me. No checks. Not such a crisis at windstream... I can go back and pay later... but I had an appointment scheduled with the oral surgeon today and they were going to expect to be paid.

My windstream errand was supposed to be my fifteen minute lunch break since I was leaving work early today. Instead... I made the mad dash back home for my checkbook. Along the way I called the doctor to make sure they would accept a check (some places don't, you know) and they said they would but let me know that my insurance couldn't confirm that my deductible had been met so they would need me to pay the entire office visit - $400 - up front today.

Little secret about Heather - she doesn't use credit cards. I'm a cash and carry kind of girl. Therefore, I can't just squeeze out an extra unexpected $400. I argued with the girl at the doctor's office... "I have SOOOO met my deductible". Still driving toward home to get the checkbook, still frantically digging through my purse to locate the debit card.

Long story short... I get home, I determine the debit card is nowhere to be found (and therefore must be cancelled). I convince Blue Cross to convince my doctor that I have indeed met my deductible for the year. Already. And then I call State Farm bank to get a new debit card.

By the way, State Farm Bank has awesome customer service. I'm not just being a team player when I say that. They have great security questions. Their rep was friendly and helpful. She went over my last five transactions to make sure they were legit. (Ingles, Ingles, ATM, ATM, Po-Phone Minutes) She made arrangements to overnight the new card to my office. I just had to give her my state and agent code with SF and she was able to link it all up. I started feeling a little better at this point.

Unfortunately, all this takin' care of bidness took so much time that it was then time to head to the doctor's office. No time to eat. No money to go through a drivethru. No lunch for Heather.

I got to the doctor. The receptionist was less than friendly. I called two days ago and advised them that I had not received the paperwork they were supposed to send. She said I should have it in the mail that day. I didn't. I asked her to fax it. She didn't. So I got there and she asked if I had the paperwork. I didn't. Her sigh was so loud that my bangs flapped back and forth in the breeze. She pointed at a clipboard with an intelligence test attached. I smiled and took my seat. I wrote quickly. I could hear her telling the other girl, "Heather Darby didn't bring her paperwork". Bite me.

They called me back. They took xrays. They had me watch two videos: Fun Facts about TMJ and Third Molar Removal. Riveting. I seriously laughed out loud while watching them. The bad actress playing the patient said, "Doctor, I'm concerned about the side effects of anesthesia". Don't worry, acting talent isn't one of them. The doctor said, with Marcus Welby sincerity, "In some rare cases, anesthesia can be fatal". "You mean I could DIIIIIE?" Yes, bad actress, fatal and die are pretty much the same thing.

Then I got an exam by the nurse. She said, "You don't have TMJ". I said, "yeah. I didn't think so. I have a dislocated jaw". *eyeroll* "OH.... why didn't I know that?" Probably because the receptionist was punishing me for not having my paperwork. She took me to a different exam room. Apparently they divvy their patients by disease and disorder. The surgeon was super nice. Blue eyes and left handed and told me right away that all of his insurance is with State Farm. Good, we can be friends. He did a really thorough examination.. poked and prodded my jaw, my ear, my teeth... tested my bite... and then he asked what seems to be the question of the week: "Are you under any stress?"

Maybe just a little.

Apparently I'm clenching my teeth a lot. IN the same way that being overweight will wear on the joints of your knees... clenching your teeth will wear on the joints of your jaw. The pain is from inflammation - which is why - duh - the anti-inflammatories worked. Left Handed Marcus Welby with Blue Eyes said, "I'm a surgeon, but I don't think you need surgery. Yet". My dislocation... "sprained jaw" essentially... can be corrected with a splint to keep me from clenching my teeth... a soft (nothing bigger than a grit) diet... talking less, singing less, anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxers... for two weeks. After that if I'm still in pain he'll bring me back in and decide if we need to do surgery. I'm on a slurpee and slushy diet for the next two weeks... so I had chicken and hominy for dinner. I didn't have any grits.

It's a little unsettling to realize I have a jaw overuse injury. Who woulda thunkit?

Back to the whole concept of putting things where they go. My oral surgeon asked about my stress... "what has you stressed?" Well, I met a man, moved to Woodstock to live with him and his kid, then he moved to Jacksonville, so I moved there, he treated me horribly, had an affair, lost his job and then told me he was not able to love me. I tried to kill myself. I moved to the mountains... got a new home, a new job and a new life. Or am I sharing too much?

Marcus Welby is also concerned that my wisdom teeth have never been removed and thinks that's a big reason for the dental problems I've had over the past few years. He doesn't think that I'm "mentally in a good place" for that surgery now. Wants me to get over "the hump" and get the jaw issue resolved and then later on this year have those wisdom teeth removed.

I don't know why they call them wisdom teeth... I sure managed to do a lot of stupid things while they were in.

Putting things where they go... if those teeth had been taken out twenty years ago... well....

If the debit card had been where it was supposed to be...
If the Blue Cross people had just given the right information to the doctor's office...
If the doctor's office had sent me the paperwork...
If the paperwork had been in the right hands I wouldn't have had to watch those two stupid videos...
If husbands came home instead of screwing their employees, I'd be under less stress and not clenching my jaw...
Yes, blame this illness on MJD as well.
If trash went in the trash can and dirty dishes went in the dishwashes and laundry went into the washing machine and employees could actually stay at work instead of having to go home an deal with missing debit cards and doctors appointments. If people paid their bills and didn't default on loans. If soldiers were home instead of fighting in war.
Name your own .... something that would be better in your life if things were just put where they go.

I'm obsessing about Octomom.
I'm still crunching Crunch-n-munch although we had a waaaay too short date yesterday. He's so busy... Trivia tonight... Remote for the station tomorrow night... Remote for the station on Saturday...
I'm working Saturday morning.
My friend A.T. is having a pretty hot crunch-n-munch herself.
Angie is heading out of town on Sunday. I have volunteered to help with the girls... Jim can probably handle it but it's nice to be around if needed.
My hair is in braids. I'm one of those tacky 40 year old cat ladies with braided hair. It just made me feel better.
I tried to eat baked chicken for dinner and just couldn't handle the chewing.
Got a letter from Cody in the mail today addressed to "Mommy". I love my boys.
Ok... time to face facebook for the night.
Moral of the story: I'm gonna live. Love and hugs, Y'all!

I'm still alive

I'm starting to get, "are you alright?" emails since I haven't blogged in the last two days. I'm fine. Just busy. I didn't even realize I hadn't blogged!

Today is my appointment with the oral surgeon to determine what can be done with my dislocated jaw. I've been doing great... they gave me those hardcore anti-inflammatory things and I was painfree for over a week. Yesterday it was bothering me again but I was determined not to acknowledge it. By the end of Bible Study... it was all I could think about.

There were storms all over Georgia last night (and Alabama, apparently, based on Mary's daughter's facebook status updates) although not as bad here in the mountains. We did have some awesome lightning strikes driving home from church... lighting up the silhouette of the mountains in the night sky... that was an awesome sight! Driving home was just a tiny bit stressful as it was raining hard and dark and there were lots of puddles and we have no *forgiveness* on the side of these mountain roads... Austin and I sang and laughed and he ate a hot dog...

There were hotdogs left over from Wednesday night supper at church. They always fix hotdogs for the little kids who don't want to eat the entree that is being served and last night they had too many. Since my bible study class is "Young Mothers" (ok, I don't really qualify in that description, but I still love the class) they gave us the leftovers. They also gave us big portions of leftover cobbler. I got to the car with six hotdogs... only four made it home.

At any rate... between work, bible study, the rain and the pain... I was exhausted last night. I got online and chatted a bit but was at the point of not making sense when my power cord wimped out on me again and I didn't have the energy to get things booted back up. I just went to sleep.

Tuesday I had my Ethics class for the credits I need to renew my Georgia Insurance License. Ethics classes tend to vary... but this one was a bit odd... the guy started off talking about stress and how it affects us in the workplace. He had us take this test developed by Holmes and Rahe (google 'em, I don't have much info). The test is listed at the bottom if you want to test yourself... don't have time to make it purdy, sorry. This helps you evaluate your stress level based on events of the last twelve months. I really don't WANT to think about the events of the last twelve months. I'm using all my energy to move PAST the events of the last twelve months. Not surprisingly, I scored the highest in the class and it really depressed me. "Nobody knows... the trouble I've seen". But the test is flawed because it doesn't factor in things like friends... family... support systems... faith... medication... I mean, yeah, from a snapshot view I should be curled up in a ball completely unable to function - especially if you extend that view back two years instead of one! - but God is just so much bigger than all that stuff.

It was a fun class. (not) But I got my credits...

Yesterday I had a lunch date with Crunch-n-munch... we went to a place that was really close to my office and I had a thousand things going through my mind... I was not great company, I'm afraid... our next date is not until next Wednesday.

What else am I forgetting to tell you? Hmmm...

Oh, you have to check out this new website statefarm has out www.nowwhat.com - it's got lots of little things to do. YOU MUST do the apartment ninja game. You try to stuff as many things in your bag in sixty seconds and it calculates the value. At the end you can click to a page about renters insurance. It is soooo much fun! Our Agency Field Executive was in the office yesterday and we were playing it together. I do love my job!

I had two life insurance appointments yesterday and one didnt show... the other one ended up with their one month old baby in the hospital with RSV. Not sure what I'm going to have to do to sell life insurance... but I'm working Saturdays again starting this week... maybe that will help.

Need to get off here and start the glam routine. Sorry to worry you, will try to blog tonight or you can find me in facebook. Love and hugs!


In the past 12 to 24 months, which of the following major life events have taken place in your life.
Make down the points for each event that you have experienced this year.
When you're done looking at the whole list, add up the points for each event.
Check your score at the bottom.
_____ 100 Death of Spouse _____ 73 Divorce _____ 65 Marital Separation or from relationship partner_____ 63 Jail Term _____ 63 Death of close family member _____ 53 Personal injury or illness _____ 50 Marriage _____ 47 Fired from work _____ 45 Marital reconciliation _____ 45 Retirement _____ 44 Change in family member's health _____ 40 Pregnancy _____ 39 Sex difficulties _____ 39 Addition to family _____ 39 Business readjustment_____ 38 Change in financial status _____ 37 Death of close friend _____ 36 Change to a different line of work _____ 35 Change in number of marital arguments _____ 31 Mortgage or loan over $30,000 _____ 30 Foreclosure of mortgage or loan _____ 29Change in work responsibilities _____ 29 Trouble with in-laws _____ 28 Outstanding personal achievement _____ 26 Spouse begins or stops work _____ 26 Starting or finishing school _____ 25 Change in living conditions _____ 24 Revision of personal habits _____ 23 Trouble with boss _____ 20 Change in work hours, conditions _____ 20 Change in residence _____ 20 Change in schools _____ 19 Change in recreational habits _____ 19 Change in church activities _____ 18 Change in social activities _____ 17 Mortgage or loan under $20,000 _____ 16 Change in sleeping habits _____ 15 Change in number of family gatherings _____ 15 Change in eating habits _____ 13 Vacation _____ 12 Christmas season _____ 11 Minor violations of the law

______ Your Total Score
This scale shows the kind of life pressure that you are facing. Depending on your coping skills or the lack thereof, this scale can predict the likelihood that you will fall victim to a stress related illness. The illness could be mild - frequent tension headaches, acid indigestion, loss of sleep to very serious illness like ulcers, cancer, migraines and the like

monday rambling

I opened my eyes this morning and the first thing I saw was that it was light outside. I always wake up when it's still dark outside... so my first thought this morning was, "this... cannot be good". It was 7:36am. I pulled it together with curly hair and a schlumpy outfit and made it to work by 8:40am. Duane was off today but I still emailed him and confessed my sins... I'm like that. Oy! the guilt! As it turned out we had sawdust EVERYWHERE from the new floors... which are beautiful, by the way... and it took me until 9am to get the dust knocked down enough to be able to function (and as most of you know, I'm not the neatest person in the world). Work was steady but not too busy... and I spent the last half hour trying to clean the new floors. I couldn't stand the sawdust any more. Don't contractors clean behind themselves any more?

That rambling paragraph is a great summary of my day. I've been exhausted all day. Dean says it's my "pill popping"... *joke*... since Michael and Andrea have both referred to me as a "head case" and a "pill popper". Dean read to me today from some of the legal documents that Andrea has entered in their custody case ... and based on her answers, I'd say she is the headcase! But... she did give me some great ideas! She thinks that because she moved to Florida for Dean's career that she's entitled to his 401K.... hmmmm.... I like! Heaven knows that being Michael's gypsy didn't help my career any... although I am blessed to be working where I am... and I do adore my boss (just in case he's reading... *straightening the halo again*). It just sucks to not have any vacation or sick leave for a whole year.

That will be my new blog... instead of "tightening the corset again" I should be "straightening the halo again".

Crunch n munch has trivia night tonight... I really should pay attention to the names of the places he works so that I can share with my Atlanta friends who might actually be interested in going. He wants me to go and I want to go... but I'll need some wingmen... since he's working, and all. We had a couple of pleasant conversations today... it's always good to talk to him. *wink* Don't worry, Blogger Babes, I'm still in a good/safe place!

I'm watching University of Kentucky vs. University of Arkansas... love college basketball! Ashley Judd has done some UK commercials, she's a huge fan and I'm a huge fan of her (despite her politics, but if I didn't love people in spite of their politics, I'd be a lonely girl!).

Today is Attorney Matt's birthday! He's 36! So young... to have accomplished so much! My friend Stacey, who was my buddy in Early Childhood Education class was Matt's counselor at camp when he was a little fella. My world really only has two degrees of separation.

My Booboo has a new blog on blogger. He's one of my followers so you can find him by clicking on the little tiny face on the sidebar that says, "Ryan". No mistaking him... he's my kid. His blogging style is truly Heather but his language and topics make a mommy wince. He's true to who he is, though... that's my boy! Someone asked us when he was a baby if we'd still be calling him, "booboo" when he was a grown man. I said, "probably". Yep. We are.

Kentucky is winning, by the way.

I actually cooked dinner tonight. I'm still having tummy troubles but I'm powering through... I'm tough like that *cough,cough*. Actually, I'm POOR like that and don't have sick leave! Ha! I apparently ingested something that isn't right for me... probably those peanut butter do-si-do cookies I bought from the Girl Scouts gave me salmonella! That's a joke... I was sick before I opened the box of do-si-dos. Don't want to give the GS bad press.

I have two piles of clothes in my bedroom floor: clean clothes waiting to be folded and dirty clothes waiting to be washed. Eventually.

Tomorrow I have to make a Walmart run to get a surprise for Sarabeth. She has been crying every night since their house flooded...they are staying with some amazing, wonderful, loving people but Sarabeth misses her nest. I tried to talk to her about it... does crying help? does it make her feel less frustrated?... and promised that if she was a big girl and didn't cry Saturday night she'd get a surprise. She toughed it out! It will probably be March before their back in their house but they are making progress. We are so blessed that they could stay where they are... it's comfy, cozy for them. And how like God to return to them the favor that they have extended to so many people.

I locked my bedroom door tonight and it's driving Austin crazy. I locked the door when I was changing clothes and haven't gotten out of my nest long enough to unlock it and he's tried to open the door a half dozen times. It's not like he's locked OUT... our bedrooms are connected by a bathroom... and the bathroom door is open... but he doesn't seem to want to go that route.

I spent a long time on the phone with Dean tonight. He needed a little love from his BFF. And since Marvin was working... *laugh*... I really don't prioritize in that way. I'm usually an equal opportunity phone call ignorer. I HATE to talk on the phone. Anyone who gets me on the phone must be living right.

No offense, Booboo. Oh, yes, Ryan, I did get Joshy's invite and it made me cry but yes, I will be there. There wasn't an RSVP card... but I will definitely go. Couldn't miss it. Will take tissues.

My friend Michele is 40 and she looks amazing! Happy Birthday honey!

I read the book of Esther on lunch today. And then I read Ruth. And then I did half a day of my Breaking Free bible study. I was just hungry for some inspiration. All three were helpful. And then I heard the lyrics this afternoon... "so often times it happens... that we live our lives in chains... and we never even know we have the key"... that's sort of what Breaking Free is about. Using the key I already have. So far, so good!

Hugs to my friend Tracy who was in my homeroom in Junior High school who is now reading my blog... just know that I am praying for you! Glad you stopped by!

Ok... I'm exhausted. Love and hugs, y'all.

facebook status updates I'd like to use

Heather Gant Sauls Darby thinks seeing Tim Tebow in the pits at Daytona makes watching all the prerace nonsense well worth it.

HGSD needs to do her taxes but it would involve looking in two places for her two W-2s and that involves more energy than I have at the moment.

HGSD is glad that the Dean-ie babies got to go to Seaworld this weekend and hopes the intentions were honest

HGSD thinks the guy that is singing the National Anthem at Daytona is a bit non-redneck/nascar looking

HGSD sure hopes the lentil soup that she just ate doesn't make a quick reappearance like everything else she's put in her body today. It's gurgling.

HGSD loves to see racecar drivers kiss their pretty wives before jumping into their cars

HGSD doesn't understand how anyone can drive 500 miles without having to stop to pee. Isn't that what a pit stop is for?

HGSD is glad to not be in Jacksonville but does miss watching NASCAR in Middleburg with Tim and his babies... and definitely misses the treasures from the grill that the Darby boys would create.

HGSD hopes the trolls have been eliminated with the upgrade to prevent anonymous comments. Own it or don't say it here. I put my name and face behind everything I say.

HGSD wishes her power cord wasn't so positional.

HGSD wishes her stomach wasn't so positional. If I'm absolutely still I'm ok.

HGSD feels like a major slacker for not going to church today.

HGSD still has that fuzzy, dizzy head thing going on. It's so unfair that I feel hangover sick when I haven't had a drink in... well, as long as I can remember!

HGSD admits that she has had that hangover sick thing before or else I wouldn't have anything to compare it to.

HGSD thinks Robert Drake is my most favorite commenter on my blog, even though we don't always agree. *blows RWD a germ free kiss*

HGSD thinks Charlie Crist looks like such a poser. He's a little light in the loafers to give the "Gentlemen start your engines" order.

HGSD may have to admit that she actually enjoys NASCAR just a little bit despite her insistance that it is simply, "go fast, turn left"

HGSD needs to get up and rearrange the pillows in the nest

HGSD wishes laundry could hang itself and that 14 year old boys remembered to put milk back in the fridge

HGSD thinks it's odd that she always craves spicy food when she's nauseated

HGSD is thinking the pink/purple/light blue shirts of these Daytona announcers is a bit girly

HGSD didn't know Bill Elliott was still racing

HGSD needs to update her subscription to ajcprint.com - it's only $5 a month

HGSD has been trying to catch up on blogs that she hasn't read in awhile but hasn't felt chatty enough to comment

HGSD was up too stinking late last night

HGSD and her son have done their part to provide economic stimulus to the Girl Scouts this weekend... five boxes worth

HGSD thinks its reassuring that no matter how tough things get in life, NASCAR keeps on rolling

HGSD needs to run by city hall and pay her water bill tomorrow morning on the way to work and is sure that she's gonna forget

HGSD is glad she got child support this weekend, even if it's still less than what it's supposed to be and doesn't include health insurance like it's supposed to

HGSD wonders what the weather is like outdoors

HGSD fell asleep watching South Pacific last night

HGSD guesses you must be bored with all these status updates. Love and hugs, y'all.

for such a time as this

Sometimes God just reveals truths to me in a time when I am most ready to understand. I have grieved for some time. Yes, I know that having a marriage that turns out to be less than you had hoped doesn't quite measure to losing someone you love... or facing an illness... or any of the other tragedies that befall us on this earth. My worst thing is just that... mine. The degree of grief is directly related to the one who is experiencing it. As empathetic as I endeavor to be, I will still always feel my pain greater than yours... and vice versa. I will also say that I will feel the Grace of God and touch of His spirit in a way that - as articulate as you guys think I am - I am unable to properly describe.

Last May, in the midst of a trying time in my own heart, Christian recording artist Steven Curtis Chapman suffered an unthinkable grief - his 17 year old son ran over his five year old sister in the family's driveway. She died almost instantly. At the time I was intensely moved by the situation and spent a good bit of time on his website reading comments and notes of encouragement. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around the situation then.

Not that I have any greater perspective now. The unthinkable remains just that. I have had two different people who I dearly love and respect pose the same question to me in the past week and in both cases I'm not satisfied with my answer. The question is this - how does a loving God allow bad things to happen? How can you believe that God is good when faced with evidence of suffering and heartache? One asked the question from a place of deep pain and hurt... the other asked from more of a philosophical angle. I can tell you what promises I believe that God has given us... I can tell you that there are examples all through the bible and all throughout history of good things coming from bad, phoenix rising from the ashes... I can tell you that I am resigned to the understanding that there are things that we aren't meant to understand.

And you now see why I'm not satisfied with the answer I gave in either case. How can I tell you what's in my heart? I couldn't ever explain to those who were in my life why I loved Michael in the first place and I couldn't explain to you why I stayed as long as I did and I can't explain why losing him caused my heart to break. I just did and it just did. Nor can I explain to you how beautifully God picks up the broken pieces and helps you put them back into place. Not in an instant - because maybe then we wouldn't understand the transformation... but piece by piece, gently revealed one truth at a time.

Something today led me back to Steven Curtis Chapman's family and their tragedy. If you will go to youtube you can watch the family's interview with Larry King (who in his infinite professionalism continued to call their deceased daughter, Maria Sue - "mary sue"). The interview is pretty long but so powerful. There are parts of the story that I was unaware of... one, that in the moment of greatest pain, when Maria Sue had been airlifted to Vanderbilt Medical Center and Steven Curtis Chapman was pulling out of the driveway to go be with his daughter, knowing that she most likely would not survive, he saw his son crumpled on the driveway with his heart as shattered as his little sister's body... and this father, with incredible compassion, rolled down his window and shouted to his son, "Will Franklin, your father loves you!".

I can't hear or see those words without crying. Let me just tell you that in my moments of deepest sorrow, those are the words my Heavenly Father kept whispering to me, "I love you". In a time when I felt unloved and unloveable... when I felt like I had made the biggest mess possible of my own life... when I couldn't imagine ever escaping the pain... I felt THAT love.

Immediately after the accident, Will Chapman started to run... he doesn't know where he was going or why. He just knew that he couldn't stay in that place of pain. His older brother Caleb ran after him... brought him back... and held him. I think when my pain was greatest... escape was the only option I could possibly consider. It took my big brother to run after me and bring me back... and hold me firmly in a place where healing could begin. He brought me to a place where people would love me through the pain and offer me hope.

I believe that all of our days are preordained before we take our first breath. That is not to say that we don't have free will... that is to say that nothing about us is a mystery to God... not the way we look or the way we act or the way we think or the experiences that befall us on this earth. God knew on the day that I was born that there would be a time of trial for me... maybe a few times of trial... He knew that the time after that would be a surreal time of incredible pain but also unspeakable joy. God knew what things would make me who I am supposed to be.

I was asked... would I bring a child into the world who would be incapable of sustaining life? Whose every moment would include suffering? Would I knowingly, as a mother, allow this to happen? Emphatically, without hesitation, I would. Not because I'm a sadist or uncaring or unkind... but because I know that God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I know that when I am weak, then He is strong. I know that our lives are but a breath and that He is working all things together for the good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. I know that I have never felt the presence of God in such a way as I have over the past few months. I have never known the compassion and provision of a loving creator more than I have in these moments. I know that God can take the things that we see in our limited sight and use them to a greater glory.

Do you believe for a second that Steven Curtis Chapman would have, a year ago, been willing to lose one child and have another child suffer such guilt and pain? But can you imagine how many lives he has touched? And how perfect that God had preordained that this beautiful song, Cinderella, which was about treasuring your children - your little girls - would be popular at the very time of his youngest daughter's death. Coincidence? Not in my mind. I am not going to post the link but if you want to see a precious time in a family's life, go to youtube and search for Steven Curtis Chapman, Cinderella, faith and family night minute maid park (yes, I know it's a lot but it will take you to a specific moment and performance). Here a father is onstage with his two sons singing about his daughters... it's incredible.

There is an article on People online that gives a little more insight to the story: http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20221775,00.html One part that really touched my heart... Steven had been praying that God would help them to see how to get through... how to keep going... and as they went home to pick up clothes for the funeral, there on the art table was the last picture that Maria Sue had drawn with a word she had just learned to write "SEE". Below the word was a flower with six petals... only one was colored in... the Chapman family has six children, only one has graduated to Heaven.

You may wonder why today would be a day of such deep introspection for me. Why revisit the concept of grief? Well. I am reaching a new stage in the grieving process. I am experiencing hope. Hear me carefully when I say this because I don't want to overstate anything... I am not trading one person for another. I am not feeling hopeful because of any one person or any one relationship. I am not feeling hope because I am not quite as lonely as I once was. I am beginning to see more clearly the Grace of God and the omniscience of God as He works things out, detail by beautifully painful detail and creates in us a faith that by far surpasses anything we could have known without being broken. In the beginning I trusted Him out of desperation. Slowly I began to trust Him because of the evidence of His power as he provided for me. When I began to see the amazingly beautiful experiences that were borne from the amazingly painful experiences of the past... I began to conceive that there might possibly be more for me. But now, I am at a place of rejoicing in Him, appreciating all that has gone before - not because I would have chosen that pain but because I would not have and He brought me through it.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art .... with.... me. As Angie said to me yesterday... maybe I was meant for such a time as this.... Esther 4:13-14
13 he sent back this answer: "Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape. 14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

I'm sorry that I don't have a better answer about the goodness of God. I just pray that my story, that the story of Steven Curtis Chapman and Angie Smith and so many others who struggle and suffer and grieve... I pray that it will cause you to seek this God I love.

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

Can we please take notice of the fact that I am still up at 1am? Stubby is snoring beside my leg... Austin has crashed on the couch... and I am still up. Or... as Austin likes to say, "I closed down the house" tonight. He is amused whenever we are the last people in an establishment, a phenomenon that has pretty much only happened in his life when we are hanging out with the fabulous Mr. Drake. Wednesday night we closed down 1st Baptist of Helen and then LaCabana. Oh, what a crazy life we lead!

I did have a delightful time tonight, despite it being Friday the 13th... the only misfortune that befell me was a unfortunate collision with a skunk. Yes, a skunk. It looked like a possum but the smell was unmistakeable. Even from 100 yards away.

Crunch-n-munch and I went to dinner at a little meat-n-three place off the highway... and we finished it with a *shared* banana pudding. It was all good... the food, the conversation... the unsweet tea with splenda for me and sweet tea for him. One really sweet thing he did that he didn't know was touching for me... he asked me to say the blessing before dinner. A guy who supports me in my faith! Who could have dreamed?

He asked what I was planning to say on here about our evening and I'm a bit cautious... not because he has asked me to be (no censorship! imagine that!) but because I'm conscious of all the varied and assundry people who read my blog. It's not all my "blogger babes" and (as Dean refers to them) my "chick friends"... and as much as I want to believe it's all people who love me and wish the best for me, there are people who read for nefarious (S.A.T. word) reasons. I am still married and don't want to feed my adulterous husband any information that could be used against me in a court of law... although... there is quite a difference... my husband knew we were no longer together five months before I met Marvin. I didn't know we weren't together for at least five months after he met and started seeing Andrea. If there was even the slightest possibility that Michael Darby and myself would ever again exist within the same zip code, much less the same relationship, I would not even dream of moving forward. I stopped short of calling MJD and asking his permission... we have proven that we are incapable of communication on any level short of riot... and I'm just over the whole "world according to darby" and "what would Michael do"... my focus is now on "what would Jesus do?" and "what is God's plan for my life?". Marvin supports me in this.

We had a great time. There are many levels on which we communicate and are like minded. We had a similar upbringing. Our faith is similar. He has the most incredible blue/green eyes. He is the kind of guy that when he hugs you, you feel hugged. No limp wristed, "if I have to feign some affection, let's be quick about it" with an eye roll and a groan. He made me another mix tape (CD) for tonight. I think that's pretty durn romantic!

But lest you worry, as you wonderful people in my life are want to do, we are both committed to avoiding anything even remotely resembling "falling" in love. We want to be friends, go slow, spend time together occasionally as our schedules permit (he works three jobs and I work quite a bit... plus go to church three times a week)... He met Austin tonight and Austin liked him. Just know that when I talk about him, that I am smiling a very peaceful, patient, purposeful smile. I'm glad to have him as a friend. I needed a friend like that at this time of my life. I am very safe with him. He is smart... not just intelligent... but also intuitive smart... and that's exactly what I need.

Ok... ambien kicking in. Happy Singles Awareness day! More tomorrow! Love and hugs y'all!