pictures from today... life is good!

my rockin' friday...

This post will not be in chronological order. I apologize.

Devin is here. Devin is my cousin Kevin's little boy. Ok... little boy who will be 17 in May. He is also Austin's lifelong best friend. Austin has had so much going on at church lately that he hasn't had time to hang with Devin. I thought Devin was coming tomorrow night but when I got home tonight, his parents were in the driveway. They (wisely) opted not to leave Beavis and Butthead alone together.

TMZ is on. I still have a crush on the blonde guy. He's a guilty pleasure for me. I don't crush much or often. I'm sorta past all that. But the TMZ guy is purty.

I got home later than usual because I took Sarabeth to a spend the night party. I'm not sure we're ready for Sarabeth to be old enough for spend the night parties but ... her friend Jessalyn was having a sleepover with a dozen squealing little girls and SB was invited. Jamie gets really upset when they drop sister off and she doesn't get to stay so Angie brought SB to me at the office and I took her to the party. It was on my way home. Jessalyn is the daughter of Austin's science teacher (because there is only a degree and a half of separation around here). Her dad went to the same church I did when I was a kid -and the whole family, of course, goes to our church now. His mother (Jessalyn's grandma) was one of my bible study teachers. Yes, it's a small world after all. Jessalyn embarassed her mother by asking Sarabeth, "did you remember to bring a present?" Her mom turned red. I said, "it's ok... you know my child is missing a filter between his brain and mouth". She agreed.

God bless Sarabeth's friend Jorjanne (daughter of my friend Natalie)... she was very sweetly introducing Sarabeth to the little girls she didn't know. Sarabeth lives in Habersham county and the other little girls live in White county. What maturity for a child to think to introduce people!

I stayed up half the night last night talking on the phone... like I'm 15 or something. I thought it would be rough today, but it was actually ok. We were ridiculously busy - the insurance business is booming. I'm not selling commissionable products but I'm selling. I still love my job. Since Angie brought Sarabeth to me at the office the girls got to see where I work... and meet Duane.

I bought a new purse at lunch today. Retail therapy. It's naugahide... it was on clearance for $7. It's cute. It's replacing my fauxch purse... which I love but it was just too small. Maybe one day I'll have a grown up purse.

My battery is being stupidly positional and the laptop yoga isn't working for me tonight. Love and hugs, y'all.

feelin' the love!

Whichever one of you is praying for me to be filled with joy today! God Bless you! I have been exceedingly glad. I don't know how else to say it... TIGGER, bouncing off the walls, happy... which is really significant because it was exactly six months ago today that I was in the deepest, darkest place of my life. God is amazing! I wish I could bottle and sell what I'm feeling because everyone should know this kind of joy!

My childhood friends - Teresa, Debbie and Angela (they're sisters) - their mom had open heart surgery on Monday and is doing so well she will be released from the hospital tomorrow! I'm so glad to see the continuing power of prayer in their lives and pray for mom to continue to recover. They lost their dad a few years ago.

I heard a great story today for my "life in a small town" file...
This old timer slowed down to turn into his driveway and was struck from behind. The police were called (the one who told me said, "poh-leece" if that helps you hear the story better!). As they investigated the accident it became apparent that Old timer had not signaled before turning. He explained it to the poh-leece-mun this way, "Well, Bill... you know I've been living in that same house for fifty years. I figgered everybody in these parts knew I'd be turning into my driveway". He didn't get a ticket. This is a true story.

Kelly - I'm thinking that if you come to my neck of the woods, I can surely find you a place to stay! Give me the dates... I'm all a-tingle just thinking about it! I'd be willing to bet that we could get Mary to come over from Alabama for a visit at the same time... we might even be able to wage a full-scale Blogger Babe attack if we're careful! I bet I could even get the fabulous Dr. Drake to make an appearance if we give him a few months notice so he can work us into his incredibly busy schedule. The Bear is too much of a Snuffalupagus for a command performance but I think I could plan a full day of Corset fun for you and yours.

Speaking of the fabulous Dr. Drake... am I a Joan Rivers or a Tina Turner? Hmmm... I think in some ways I'm a bit more of a Tina, regrettably. I've almost decided I want to keep the name, mostly out of laziness. I figure... at some point in the future I'll marry again and it's already such a huge pain to document Gant to Sauls to Darby. I can't imagine the headache of documenting Gant to Sauls to Darby to Gant to ... whatever. And in some ways, remembering the Darby is healthy for me. It's a measurement for me of just how far I've come.

As I was telling Austin last night when he asked for the thirty-third time since Monday if I could maybe just please possibly consider going back to Sauls... I love the Darbys. Some of 'em might not think I'm exactly a gem right now but I have an enormous amount of respect for them. I love my (soon to be ex) mother-in-law. I think she's such a strong, intelligent woman. I adored my (STBE) sister-in-law, ditto for her. and Tim was always a great source of entertainment and usually had my back (at least to my face) and prayed for me, which means so much to me, especially now! I love the Darby kids. I will always see Stephen as my step-son. I will always worry after Bobby. I will always remember Elijah screaming "I love you, Curious George" during our visit to the library and Christopher greeting me with an excited "Aunt Heather's here!" I'll always remember Charity getting on Uncle Mike's case when he took the bread away from me at her 21st birthday dinner...

What I'm saying... obviously, bad stuff happened during that time period in my life but it wasn't all bad stuff. There are lots of great memories and I'm grateful. I was proud to be Michael's wife, up until that last month or so. My heart breaks at the thought that he didn't know how to accept or return my love. I mean... you guys all know that I'm a loving person! Some of you know just from what you read here! So imagine living with me... having me wear myself out to show you love and respect and you still being unable to feel loved. There was the potential for greatness.

The thing is... I have more spiritual and emotional intimacy with you guys than I ever had with my husband. I never knew what he was doing or where he was going or what his plans were. I wasn't included in any important decisions or allowed to even go shopping with him unless it just happened to be on the way we were already going and even then I had very little say in what was bought. Bobby had more spending power than me! I say this not out of bitterness but because the key to me in not grieving is realizing that I didn't lose much more than frustration and hurt. How I wish there could have been more! How I longed to know his secrets and to be his confidant and to spend time with him and to share those little inside jokes and to grow to be each other's best friend. I make a great friend. My heart grieves not for my own loss, but for his, in what he had without knowing... my heart will go on, not to be sappy, but the truth is that I AM a great girl and I have an enormous amount of love to give and there will be some lucky man to benefit from Michael's loss.

My yiddish is a bit weak, Robert, so you may have to translate schmegeggie for me! I don't know much more of them-there Jewish terms than what I learned doing Crossing Delancey. But the truth is that we lived in a house of cards and they all came tumbling down. There's nothing to gain from him. It's not a matter of not having anything to lose, there's just nothing to gain. Fighting back - in the sense of contesting the divorce - means the cost of retaining an attorney, traveling to Jacksonville - probably more than once - time, emotional energy and money that I just don't have. I may regret it some day, just as I regret much of my relationship with him, but I am not in a position to fight. It's not a matter of choice for me. Poor people have to just trust God to fight for them, like it says in Exodus 14:14 - "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".

In this, I need to be still. Jeanne, I'll scan the papers in today and try to email them to you. It's really just a form that says, "it didn't work" and "we ain't got nuttin'". It's not sinister. There's nothing hidden... there's nothing to it. Mary, ditto, I'll let you see if you find any hint of danger.

Well. Typing this has taken my whole lunch hour, what with interruptions and trying to scarf down a smart ones calzone and some cheese and crackers. I still have a yogurt parfait to go... maybe later...

Loved ones, know that you are all so precious to me... I pray that God returns to you ten-fold the blessing that you have been for me. Six months later and... life is good!
love and hugs, y'all!

life is too funny

This made me laugh and I couldn't wait until I get home to comment on it:

Yes, I can understand wanting to paint half your face blue, toss on the Catholic School Girl Skirt, run to the mountain side and scream "FREEDOM!" (BTW, if you do this, please video tape)

Ok... I have to do this just because I made me laugh so hard to think about it! Today I'm dressed more like lost member of the Duggar family with a skirt down to my ankles and my hair hanging long like it's a religious statement of sorts. But the school girl skirt... yes, that would make for some good video... blue face or not.

I'm already planning my post-divorce tattoo. More on that later. Work is busy. love and hugs!

a drive by

Just a quickie... who knows how long this battery will last? *laugh* I might one day get this repaired... right now it's helping me be disciplined and not spend as much time online!

Picked up the divorce papers. They're just generic... just a form that says, "we don't like each other any more... we don't have kids together... we have no marital property".... that's all true. Nothing to dispute there. I can contest. I don't know that it's worth the effort or money. I mean, what do I want from him, other than to not be married to him? I can counter sue in Georgia and file on grounds of adultery... but what does that gain for me other than for it to be in the public record?

I know y'all want me to be protected but there are no children. No court in the country is going to give me anything more than what he's already given me. It's just spinning our wheels. I will need legal help to complete the stupid form, unfortunately.

And to prove my bi-polarity, I love the new Old Navy commercial... the one with the mannequins... the girl's name is Heather and her finger breaks off. I laugh every time I see it.

I stopped by the Cottage House restaurant for chicken tenders and broccoli casserole to soothe my hurt feelings on the way home... and I think all it did was grow my butt... but, whatever... it will all be ok.

From the life in a small town file: while waiting at the White County Law Enforcement building the nice big ole sheriff asked if I had been fishin' yet today. "Now that's a crime, not fishin' in this weather". I said, "honey, I'm a city girl, I'd have to have somebody along to bait my hook". He said, "well, I'd let you off so long as you'd sit on the riverbank and soak up the sun". "Deal". Seriously.

I'm not sure why they couldn't serve the papers to me. I asked the sheriff if it was because they were filed with my address listed as "Wanda St" instead of "Wanda Dr". He laughed and said, "we all know there's only one road named Wanda around here"... I was trying to think of some Fish Named Wanda / Road Named Wanda connection but I've got nothing.

I wonder why they didn't try to serve me at Wednesday night bible study... I mean, there are no secrets in this town. The girl down at the Rite Aid knows what size panty hose I wear... the girl at the Cottage House Restaurant knows I want a dinner roll instead of cornbread.... the only question would be if my brother Jim that's the pastor at First Baptist church is the tall Jim or the Jim that golfs.

Wow. This turned out to be longer than I expected.

Better hit save before my luck runs out. Love and hugs, y'all!

well...

I don't know how to title this entry and I don't have much battery therefore I don't have much time to write this!

I got a call from the White County sheriff's office today. Apparently they have been trying to serve me with "civil suit" (divorce) papers since February 23rd. I *apparently* work too much to be served. I don't know. I haven't seen any notices that they had been by... but whatever... the lady who called said, "well, your husband called to see why we hadn't served you and we told him we thought you were avoiding service". She said that he told her he was sure I wasn't. I'm not. I'm relieved. One less thing for me to pay for.

She told me I could stop by any time to pick them up. I planned to do it tomorrow but I'm a little nervous about my reaction. I'm relieved, trust me. It's inevitable. I'm in a FAR better place regarding this divorce than I was six months ago! I just don't know if I can make it through the next nine hours at the office after reading them. It may be an after work thing. As long as it's in progress.

It's almost over.

I sent out a mass text. Barry was the first to write back... asking if I was ok. I think I am. I need to have a good cry. Now seems like a good time. I'm gonna be ok. I really did love him and I really believe he loved me. But I know that God has a beautiful life planned for me.

it aint fixed but it's working...

My crazy, temperamental laptop has been working this afternoon. I will have to get Austin to take a picture of the insane yoga contortionist pose I have to be in to push the power cord against my leg at just the perfect angle to allow the durn thing to work... but I've had about two hours online this afternoon... more than I've had in the whole last week put together!

No word from Barry over the past week... the more things change, the more they stay the same! Ha! This is exactly how things were with us three years ago when he said, "You should date other people..." And I did... and married MJD... and had my life turned topsy turvy... full of drama while Barry's essentially stayed the same. So he came and spent a great day with me and then... nothing. But, you know, I'm fine with it. It is what it is... we've had a very stable relationship with very little drama but the underlying reason is probably because he never changes, know what I mean? I have enjoyed his company over the years, I know that if I ever need him, he's a great big solid muscular shoulder *hubba hubba* to lean on... and I know that the beauty of our relationship is in the fact that he is who he is.

I guess the secret to happiness is accepting the people in your life for who they are, right? And not being surprised when people do exactly what they've always done... Michael used to have this saying about a scorpion being a scorpion... based on the story below...

The story is about a scorpion asking a frog to carry him across a river. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion reassures him that if it stung the frog, the frog would sink and the scorpion would drown as well. The frog then agrees; nevertheless, in mid-river, the scorpion stings him, dooming the two of them. When asked why, the scorpion explains, "I'm a scorpion; it's my nature."

Which actually... was fairly prophetic for me, wasn't it?

I've been in sort of a place of quiet introspection with my lack of internet access. In a way, I've been lonely...no, that's not true... I've been purposely spending some time alone but I haven't been lonely. I've been talking with a friend quite a bit... I haven't talked to Dean in a week or so. I know he thinks I'm a horrible BFF... I just have needed a break from the intensity of the situation. My life is just not about Michael any more. Not at all. I pray for him daily. I wish him well. I hope that he will file for divorce soon as I really can't afford to (ok, replace my laptop or get a divorce...hmmmm? which would you choose?) I just needed a little time to not have to think about what Michael or Andrea are or are not doing. There was something about being with Barry last weekend that gave me closure... I mean, closure has come in increments along the pathway... there are lots of little red letter moments for me... but seeing Barry... curling up beside him in a way that I haven't done since the day I met Michael... literally, the last time Barry and I were together was the Tuesday before my first date with Michael on Saturday... it was like a time warp... almost like being married to Michael never happened.

And yet I will say that if all of that had to happen for my life to be what it is now, it was worth it. Worth every bit of it.

I brought the girls some bubble gum for their surprise today. I give them lots of surprises but they're usually only little dollar store treats. Jamie asked for gum last night when I picked Austin up from church so I stopped this morning on the way to church and bought gum... and when I saw Jamie after church she said, "do you have gum?" I told her I did... she said, "do you have some for my sister too?" Awwww... such sweet sisters!

I spent yesterday being totally lazy and watching movies. I watched Knocked Up Friday night and yesterday I watched From Here to Eternity. I had never seen either. I read a few magazines. I napped. It was heaven! My kitchen floor didn't get mopped and the laundry didn't get folded and you know what? The world did not come to an end!

Time to get ready for church... Austin needs to be there in twenty minutes... leave me comments, I can access the blog from work even though I can't get on facebook from there... miss y'all! Love and hugs!