an mri machine is the ultimate dutch oven and other observations

An MRI is the ultimate dutch oven. If you don't know what a dutch oven is... google "dutch oven slang". And then groan. I had Taco Bell yesterday.

My MRI was not too painful other than having to hold my mouth open for five minutes without moving or swallowing. Try it. Wait, shove yourself into a small tube and hold your mouth open for five minutes without moving or swallowing. while hearing a jet take off in the tube with you. Wearing a hospital gown.

I have de-darbied myself for the most part but I did flinch when the mri tech suggested that I step down off the table before she gave me back my backless keds. I could literally see the germs. She sensed my hesitation and slipped the shoes over to me.

I still love Kate Gosselin. I know she's gone from being humble mom next door to being celebritized but I still love her. She's left handed. This last season of Jon and Kate Plus 8 reminds me of that last season of Rosanne after they won the lottery.

I had all that time in the space capsule to think and pray and meditate and then I ended up behind a camper with the prestige tag "Old Fart" going twenty miles under the speed limit on a two lane country road. I had lots of good thinking time today!

Work was stressful again/still. Duane gave me some good news but he also sorta pissed me off. I've been working Saturdays voluntarily. He has fully supported my working on Saturdays and been excited enough that he bragged to his boss about it. Usually the time is mostly offset by the time I leave early on Wednesdays for church. This pay period I ended up with two hours of overtime. Two. He gave me a lecture about how he has to treat us all the same and how he prefers that I just adjust my time to end up with 40 hours. He invited me to change his mind if I disagreed. I didn't. I decided to pray about it before responding.

My instinctive response would be... I'm making a special effort above and beyond what anyone else who works for you cares to do... so what if you pay two stinking hours of overtime on one stinking pay period? I'm drastically underpaid for my knowledge and experience. I could pack up and head to civilization and command another $5 an hour. I know. I was offered this last week.

That's why I didn't respond immediately. That... and I genuinely like the guy and he sincerely wants me to speak my mind. And he so sweetly motioned to me as I was leaving this afternoon that he would be praying for me... made the little kids hands folded in prayer gesture. Just... awww.

And. The sad fact is that the extra $5 an hour would be in a place where rent was at least twice as much and I would have none of the same community.

Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of my first date with Michael. Yes. Our first date was on April Fool's Day. It's surreal to me to realize how much my life has changed in those three years... the places I've been... the places I've lived!... the people I've met and the people I've lost and regained communication with.

My favorite things about Michael... his blue eyes... the way he dressed... watching Jeopardy with him... the way he smelled... traveling with him... his family... grilling at Tim's house... his 80 polo shirts all hung facing the same way in the closet...

My least favorite things... I'm not thinking about those any more. I'm free of that. God is good.

My most favorite thing is the fact that our journey led me here. To Hooterville. Where I don't make nearly as much money and don't have time to do everything I want but I'm happy. Even without Chickfila, Publix and Starbucks.

On my long drive home from the MRI this afternoon I rounded the curve and the splendor of the mountains stretched out before me and I cried. In the world's eyes I've lost so much but in God's eyes I've gained. I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul. (and Michelle, thank you, every time I hear that song now I think about your son singing it and it makes it so special!)

I also heard the Casting Crowns song that I identify with so strongly... she is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction... she is trying but the canyon's ever widening in the depths of her cold heart... she sets out on another misadventure just to find... she's another two years older and she's three more steps behind... sometimes I really like being in the car and just listening to the radio. It was a good drive home, even if it took WAY longer than it should have.

My sweet friend Misti and her husband finalized their adoption of their baby today. Misti lost both of her fallopian tubes to ectopic pregnancies and she was heartbroken... and then they found out that a young girl they knew had gotten pregnant. Despite all odds against them... they were able to adopt this sweet baby boy. They're having a little celebratory dinner on Friday night.

Time for me to do something about dinner... and check my email... and catch up on facebook...
love and hugs, y'all!

boring Monday

Mondays have been horrible lately. I wake up exhausted... have to be at work early... work is crazy... it's been like that for several Mondays in a row... this morning Ginger left work sick at 9am and I had to absorb her work into my day. It was ... well, it was a Monday.

Of course, there are always bright spots in the day. A lady came in to talk about her homeowners insurance and figured out that I'm "Jim's sister" and went on for about twenty minutes about how wonderful my brother is. I know... I know... and Angie... and the girls... I had new pictures of the girls so I shared those. I still love living in a small town.

I still miss Publix and Starbucks and Chickfila.

Twice in the past week I've been accused of being a city girl. So??? City folks would call me a country girl. I think I'm sorta of a Suburb Sally who just adapts to her environment.

My brother Bryan and his gf Candice leave for Paris on Thursday! I'm living vicariously through them.

Austin came home from school with a black eye. He bumped heads with someone in P.E. which is now called Personal Fitness instead of Physical Education... I freaked out when I saw it. Obviously whatever adult was responsible for the class was less than responsible. PE is his last class of the day... they just stuck him on a school bus with a potential head injury without a word to anyone. I'll be chatting with the school in the morning.

Tomorrow I have an MRI scheduled. It's not a big deal but its one of those things that makes me feel like a sad single girl. There should be a handsome man in the waiting room wringing his hands with worry. That whole fairy tale didn't exactly play out like I thought it would in my last relationship... so maybe that's not what really happens. Of course, we don't find anything out tomorrow. They do the MRI and then send the results to my doctor and he'll be out of town next week so I don't even see him until the 14th.

I seriously need to hang up my clean laundry. I've got a mess going on... and no motivation to correct it.

No Jon and Kate Plus 8 tonight... I think I'm going to read and go to bed early.

Ryan heads back to Pennsylvania today. Bye Boo Boo!

The bride and groom from this weekend are 24 and 23. He will be 24 next month. Yes, they are young but I was a lot younger when I married my kids' dad. I was not quite 18.

The wedding venue was an antebellum home. It was nice and scenic but I didn't get the same "old house vibes" that I usually get. I think because they had made several modifications to make it usable.

Purple Michael messaged me last night about needing a bed&breakfast weekend... we soooo need a vacation together! I'll say it again... Chicago is SOOOO lucky!

My phone is ringing and I am totally unmotivated to answer.

Love and hugs, y'all!

wedding pictures!

my weekend

Blink. There went another weekend!

I knew this was going to be a tiring weekend before it even started. The thing about living in Georgia again and living in the far northern corner of Georgia is that when things happen in the Atlanta area, it's a day trip... although it can sometimes be a "very long day" day trip.

From the beginning of time... ok, not really... from the beginning of when my kids started dance.... they have been friends with Josh. And as long as the boys have been friends with Josh, he's been spending the weekends with my boys. He was just a regular. He spent the night with us at the trailer. When we moved to Woodstock he would come and spend the night with us there. When my boys moved in with my parents, he would spend the night there. He even has a key to my parents' house! I don't even have a key to my parents' house! Josh was with us in Jacksonville last 4th of July for what I referred to as "boomapalooza". He spent the night at my parents' house Friday night, the night before his wedding. He's just a member of the family.

Josh and Megan have been dating for about as long as we have known Josh. They've had a very mature relationship in that they have always managed to have a healthy balance. They spend quality time together but they also maintained friendships and spent quality time apart. That's probably the smartest thing to do in a relationship: maintain your own identity. I'm not saying that people in love shouldn't spend time together. I'm saying that people in love don't have to constantly be together to know that they are loved.

So yesterday Josh and Megan got married! They are a sweet couple... both smart and ambitious and gregarious. I'm going to post pictures in a separate entry but I wanted to give that background so you know that this wedding was precious to me because Josh is (yet another) of the awesome men in my life. It was yet another reminder to me of how many male lives I have had the opportunity to share... as a sister / mom / friend. And I'm realizing that I do a good job at this role. I think it hit home for me a bit more yesterday while I was hanging out with the groomsmen in the little groom's cottage before the wedding. I'm always with the guys. How does that happen?

The wedding was in Newnan, which is about two hours south of us. On the way down there we had to make a few stops (I mean, if you're driving through civilization, you have to make the most of it!). It poured rain on us. Atlanta highways are stressful in good weather. In the rain they are pure white knuckle driving. We made it... we made it early enough for me to hang out with the guys and take some pictures. We were able to sit on the second row in the ceremony so I got more good pictures! The rain held off during the ceremony and reception so I was able to take advantage of more photo ops.

After the wedding I had dinner with my friend A.T. It wasn't a great day for her but we've been friends for a LOOONG time. We've seen each other through a lot of bad days. She was the one who came and packed me up and helped get me out of Jacksonville. We went out for pizza and girl talk.

Then I drove to my parents to pick up Austin... drove the two hours home... got on the phone with my buddy and talked until I finally fell asleep ON THE PHONE with him. I got up late this morning and missed Sunday school... but I did go to worship service and it was great! My girls had surprises for ME today... pictures of them... and I had surprises for them - bubbles that I saved from the wedding.

Since church I have been sorta nesting this afternoon. I napped. I watched an old movie that I love on TCM... I can't even remember the name... Sunday Afternoon in New York or something like that. It stars Jane Fonda. Also, I FINALLY watched the Sex and the City movie. I had put off watching it because it was *yet another* thing that reminded me of Michael. He bought me the whole series of Sex and the City on dvd on our first Christmas. We had a crappy time together that year and I stayed in bed watching almost the whole series over my Christmas vacation. He was mad at me for something (I don't even know what now) and spent an entire day in the closet in the dark. At the time it really stressed me out but it really just reminds me now that I was not the only one with issues in that relationship... so while he pouted in the closet, I watched Sex and the City, the whole series. And when the movie came out... as much as I loved the show... I just couldn't watch it. When it came out on dvd, I couldn't bring myself to watch it... but today... it was ok. Things get easier over time.

Now... pictures to post... I posted all of these in Facebook, I'll just post the highlights here...

the truth will set you free

Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

In some ways I've had a hard time articulating lately. It's like... I've been in such a place of deep introspection that unless you were with me and had it all in context, it just wouldn't make sense to you. Some days it's more like I just absorb things rather than think them. I have been in a place of true peace. Peace that passes all understanding.

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7

Getting the divorce papers gave me a sense of closure. I haven't mailed them back yet. I have to do that very soon. Of course, if I don't mail them back, then it just happens. I either have to dispute or agree or do nothing. There is a form I have to get off the internet and include with the papers and I just haven't done it yet.

Getting the divorce papers also brought me to a place of peace. I no longer have to convince Michael of anything. I no longer have to battle him. I no longer have to carry the burden of worrying where we will live and whether he'll take this job or that job or whether or not he's coming home at night. There was so much instability in my relationship with him, which is ironic, as I was seeking stability when I moved in with him.

The truth that set me free was knowing that all of the things that I was looking for in Michael, I already had in myself. It's in knowing that all of the things that I think I need from a relationship, I already have. I'm really ok all by myself. After my first divorce I worked so hard at having someone in my life. Anyone. Under any conditions. It was as if I was afraid of what people would think about me if I wasn't "coupled". That I would be pitied. That there would be assumptions of why I was alone. That I was a caricature of a lonely fat girl with a bunch of gay men around her. I tried to validate myself through relationships. And in that search for validation, found one unstable relationship after another.

There is an enormous amount of freedom in knowing that there is only one opinion that matters: God's. If I am where He wants me to be, I will be stable and safe and happy. Even when things go wrong, I am happy. Even when the sands are shifting and my balance is off and I feel like I'm falling, I am stable. The days of my life are already numbered and He knows how long I have. He knows how I will die and when I will die and there is nothing that can pluck me from His hand.

Nothing. Not even myself.

I don't have to be alone. There are a couple of guys in my life who want to be a bigger part of my life and I have said no. I have chosen to be where I am, to be who I am, to be how I am. I decided that I can't trust myself to give my heart to anyone with any sense of security that my heart will be safe. I can't risk the kind of devastation and hurt I felt with Michael. I can't risk feeling that desperate ever again. So my deal with God is that my heart is His and He can choose who to give it to. Until He does, if He ever does, I will be satisfied that what I have is what I'm supposed to have.

There is someone special in my life. Someone that I really dig. Someone who understands me spiritually and accepts the craziness of my recent life and the drama that has surrounded me. He is honest with me and he cares enough about me to say, "girl, you are NOT ready". He encourages me to heal and to not rush. He is kind and funny and caring. He calls me in the middle of the day and makes me laugh - no matter what kind of mood I'm in. He's the one person who understood on the day that I found out Michael had filed for divorce that I was sad because I loved Michael. He asks nothing of me. He sends me bible verses. We discuss theology. Michael was smart - the smartest man I've ever known. This man is wise. He puts God first. He prioritizes his family. He is honest and open and disciplined. I've spent a lot of time talking to him and I will tell you honestly, that I hoped that he was "the one". But it has become clear to me that he isn't.

It would seem that would be discouraging... but not really. Some of the most precious people in my life have come into my life through platonic situations. Purple Michael - I love him. He always makes me laugh. I know he's there for me... but he will never fall in love with me. I can't imagine life without him. Attorney Matt - my little brother in Christ - wise and talented and adorable and precious - but he is a brother and I knew right away that he would always be a brother to me. My friend Scott - Scooter - who has been around so long that I have pictures of him changing Ryan's diapers! - he's an amazing man of God and good lookin' - but I know who he is meant to be in my life and I'm so glad to call him friend. Robert Drake - who really *gets* romance and knows how to say and do the right things and who sends me great postcards and leaves incredible comments on my blog. He is a friend. And I have brothers and sons and stepsons and cousins... can you see how blessed I am?

The truth is that God brought another treasure into my life right at the time He knew I would need a friend who could speak the truth in love to me. God knew I needed someone who understood me even when I didn't understand myself and who would earn my respect to such a degree that he could hold a mirror in front of me and force me to take an honest look. I am so grateful. I am even more grateful to not have the pressure of romance. He's right. I'm not ready. I'm not healed. I'm not "over it". I'm at peace. I'm no longer bitter. I am at a place that I never thought I'd be as far as forgiveness is concerned. Truth has set me free.

Ok. Enough of the serious stuff. Today I broke out in hives and I have never done that before. I'm not sure what caused it. I'm taking the same meds that I've been taking for awhile. I haven't added anything new. I had my standard yogurt for breakfast, kashi meal for lunch. I had the fruit and walnut salad from McDonalds today - which wasn't soft but it was healthy and sooo good! I was emailing with Whitney at the time and she said, "quick, get some benadryl". But I can't take it with the other stuff I'm on. I had an appointment coming in and I just did what Duane calls, "fake it until you make it". I did. I'm still feeling a bit tingly and weird but... it hasn't spread.

The local Kiwanis talent show was tonight and I wanted to go but also wanted some good nest time. Tomorrow is Joshy's wedding... it's going to be a long, wet day. It's supposed to be an outdoor wedding but they have plans "b and c" if necessary. I have wardrobe plans a, b and c as well. I'm going early so I can take pictures and I'll share them. Josh is gorgeous and his bride is gorgeous and I'm gonna be a soppy, sappy mess but I'm so happy for him!

Time to hit save... this laptop still isn't repaired and the odd position I'm having to sit in is making me ache. Love y'all!

really quick stuff

Seriously. This cat is driving me nuts. Why must he lick my toes?

Earaches are 8 on a scale of 1-10 today.

Church tonight.

Pick Austin up from tutoring in about twenty minutes. Hope he got some stuff accomplished.

Emailed with Purple Michael today. I told him we needed to make some new babies because all our babies are grown up now...

He said his mother just cried out with joy at the thought. She always wanted us to have a baby together. She asked me to have his children in the middle of worship service at church on Easter Sunday of 2003. She wasn't deterred by the news that I couldn't have kids and he wasn't interested in doing what was necessary to make babies.

Ryan is home. Haven't seen him yet.

I don't wish Bad Kat bad karma. I just want her to understand that she doesn't understand. Being "right" in this situation was almost a tragedy. Sometimes people don't know what they're talking about.

No, Jen, you never said, "I told you so". Nobody could have possibly predicted the things that happened.

Would you believe me if I told you I'm over it? I just don't have the bitter, angry feelings any more. It happened. I put myself in his path. God knows (and MJD readily admits) that he wasn't a good husband to me. It can't be changed now and I can't spend the rest of my life as "the woman scorned". I've got too much living to do.

I talked to Joshy today... he's getting married on Saturday... my son's best friend for years... I'm so excited for him. He and Megan have been together forever... they've been engaged FOREVER! They waited until she finished school. Once they get married he will go back to school. They've been smart about things. Patient. They've had a healthy balance.

I've got to head out the door. Love and hugs, y'all!

a bunch of stuff

I had a lot of things on my mind to blog about today but then I saw this comment...

kat has left a new comment on your post "i need a vacay!": Glad to see you left Michael and came to your senses. I was the one you got mad and wrote a journal entry about me because I told you to kick him to the curb a few years ago. Feels good to say Told you so.

and THAT stopped me cold in my tracks. Does it feel good for my life to have fallen apart? How satisfying is it to be able to say "I told you so"? Do you have any idea what it cost me? Makes me wonder why I blog.... so that strangers can feel some sick sense of validation at my personal pain? Get a life, girl. Anyone who reads my blog to be able to take pleasure in my pain, please click the big red x in the corner. I certainly don't need your nasty comments.

Now... here's what I had intended to blog about...

Ryan is going to be in Atlanta tonight. I can't wait to see him! My Booboo!

Cody has finally gotten the corrected title so we can get his car tagged so I can stop hearing the "have you heard anything?" comments. What an amazing gift he has been given... so the paperwork took a little while to get in order... it's better than anything he would have had otherwise.

Cody had big news for me today. I haven't asked if I can share it so I'll sit on it for a few more days.

Austin has been a major slacker at school recently. He doesn't know it yet but he's staying after until 5:30 tomorrow to make up work... he usually stays until 4:30 on
wednesdays but we're not having dinner at church tomorrow night.

My friend Hana's husband is being inaugurated as president of Truett McConnell college. This is a major big deal. Emir is the first former muslim to be president of a southern baptist college. They're cool people and I'm honored to know them. Our church is hosting a dinner in Emir's honor tomorrow night for all the dignitaries in town for the event.

Everything is in bloom here and it's beautiful. We have rain coming in tonight and it's supposed to be curly weather through the weekend. Goodbye drought! I hope.

I got a fabulous postcard from Robert Drake today! If I haven't mentioned it lately, I LOVE Robert Drake! Every girl should have a friend like him.

Every girl should also have a Cory. I haven't talked about him a lot because I didn't quite know what to say. I spent a lot of years being a "fag hag". Now I'm finding myself as a "straight mate". He and I have a connection that goes beyong the intimacy I ever had with Michael...Super guy... no romantic interaction... just a great friend/another brother... He's been through a lot of the same stuff I've been through and we just "get" each other. There is zero pressure to impress or be girlie or cute with him... he's just a buddy... he's only going to be a buddy for me... Cory and I have spent hours on the phone in the past few weeks and he has become quite special to me. He's - as Whitney would say - the New Jam.

Speaking of Whitney... she's having an amazingly successful year selling life insurance. I'm so proud of my girl! We email back and forth almost every day. She was definitely the best thing that happened to me in Jax.

I talked to a State Farm agent today that I interviewed with back in the week or so that I was trying to decide whether or not to stay in Atlanta or move to Jax. He wanted to hire me... I decided to go to Jacksonville. I needed an agent to witness a signature in Dunwoody two miles from his office. He found out I was back in Georgia and said he was still hiring if I was interested. I'm not. I can't imagine ever leaving here!

That's something else I don't really articulate well because I don't know how to say it. I love my job here. It's stressful and hectic and there are some issues that need to be sorted through but Duane is the best boss I've ever had. I can tell him anything. We cut up a lot but I have a healthy respect for him. I loved Tommy to pieces... he was good to me. Kathy and I never quite clicked. Duane and I are a lot alike and have a similar spirituality which is so helpful. He places a lot of faith in me... which still surprises me... that anyone would find me capable of anything! But he does. I love it here... and I love my job... and I'll stay put as long as the Lord will let me.

You have to check out Kathy's website. There is this little mini Kathy that pops up on the screen and talks to you. www.kathyscottinsurance.com Several of the agents are doing this now. There is one out of Wisconsin that pops up in her robe and curlers with a laundry basket... it's cutie patootie... can't remember the link.

So... the whole ear/jaw pain ... once I finished the meds... the pain came back. I'm still on a relatively soft diet (although I'm planning on Longhorn's tomorrow! woohoo!) and I'm still doing the retainer/splint deal. It's basically like when knee cartilage wears out... only it's in my face... if you can imagine having an overuse injury to your jaw. Ha! So I talked to the oral surgeon yesterday and he's ordered an mri to see how extensive things are and if there's any improvements with the meds. I can't stay on prescription strength motrin and flexeril forever. Nor can I afford to be out of work for surgery. Not sure what to do... but I'll go see him...

Ok... time to cook some dinner.... peace, love, hugs y'all!