It's raining outside.
I let another couple of days go by without blogging, even though I wrote a few entries in my head.
My BooBoo is still in Atlanta - got here Monday evening and I believe he's heading home tomorrow.
He worked about a hundred hours last week.
I worked about twenty.
I ended up with a four day weekend due to some rearranging of the work schedule.
It would have been a great weekend to go to the mountains except for the fact that Friday morning, my car broke down.
Had I been headed to the mountains, that little mishap would have happened somewhere in the middle of Atlanta rather than 1/2 a mile from my parents' house.
I called State Farm's newly enhanced roadside assistance, had my car towed to the mechanic and was back on the road by Friday evening.
It was some sort of fuel sensor thing-a-ma-bob.
I spent Saturday morning with my kids (well, 2/3 of them + daughter-in-law) searching for Sarabeth's birthday present.
She's having a Georgia Bulldog birthday party. I was afraid this would happen.
I mean... her nursery was decorated in UGA colors when she was a baby.
Jamie's was decorated in Berry College colors.
Subliminal messaging about the importance of a college education.
Anyways... if my beautiful about to be ten year old niece is gonna be a fan, I want to make her a stylish fan.
And so I enlisted the help of my kids (-1, + daughter) and we searched four stores before I found exactly the right gift.
It killed me to drop my hard-earned money on such. That should tell you how much I love her!
I had found her something else I really liked at the thrift store on Friday - and something I really love for my purple lovin' stylish little Jamie-gurl.
This was the scene of the great break-down. The car, not me. Not this time.
Other than the thrift store, the breakdown, the shopping trip... there's not much to tell you.
Breakfast at iHop with the kids (-1 +daughter) and then my super-talented sons (-1) cooked an awesome dinner for us last night. Steak and mashed potatoes, squash, sauteed mushrooms and onions.
I've watched a lot of football.
Watched a lot of documentaries.
Rearranged my castle in Castleville.
Picked up a prescription.
Cleaned up some dog vomit.
Another day off tomorrow... then I work four days, two days off... can't remember the rest of the schedule as my office manager told me over the phone on Friday.
I still love my job.
Having a little bit of stiffness, hands and hips, mostly. It's been damp outside, kicking that arthritis into gear.
Not much to tell you...
Just life.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Not Much to Tell You
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Thankful For YABBA DABBA DO!
The calendar may say "Thursday" but it's my Yabba Dabba Do Day, which makes it MY Friday. It's been a long, long week. Yesterday I got to the office twenty minutes early hoping to get ahead of the game and I still ended up staying about twenty minutes late.
Ryan left for work before me - before 8 am and the last I heard, he wasn't expected back to Cody's house until 1am. At one point he called Cody to go to the job site and help him. THAT'S a long day.
It's all in perspective, I suppose. I can only tell you about the view from here... and this...
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
What a Wonderful Wednesday!
When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now... will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine? If I'd been out til quarter to three, would you lock the door? Will you still need me, will you still feed me... when I'm sixty four?
Happy Birthday to my sweet mama today! I'm so grateful to God that He has brought us closer together and that we have become partners in pain. She understands the days that I just can't move... and I understand when she goes to bed at 7pm. Living with chronic pain is frustrating but knowing you have an ally in the house who *gets it* makes it so much easier. (And oh, poor Pop! Having to live with two of us and taking care of his mama and overseeing three houses plus Grandma's business too! I don't know how he stands it but he does!)
We're hoping to gather the fam plus the boys' best friend, Joshy, who IS family to us, at Buca di Beppo, a really fun Italian restaurant on Saturday. You can follow the link to check it out, if you'd like. It's a long drive but it would be a lot of fun.
BooBoo, my oldest, is here working this week. He lives in Pennsylvania but works all over. This week Georgia, next week Wisconsin... moss doesn't grow on him! I'm hoping we'll be able to get him up to the mountain house while he's here, even though that's going to make 3 or 4 weekends in a row that I'm making the trip. I mean... like that's a bad thing, right? If the worst problem I have in life is *having* to go to the mountains a few weekends in a row... It's all good.
I had my Cafe Bustelo espresso grind coffee this morning and it is so stinkin' good that I may drink a whole pot.
Of course, if we're as busy at work today as we have been the past two days, I might not oughta. I so very much love my job, still. But let me tell you... I do more in my twenty hours a week than I ever did in my 38.5 hours a week in that other place! I can barely get up to go to the bathroom sometimes. It took over an hour and a half between *urge to go* and ability to get away from the phone yesterday. My sales numbers are as high as some of the full time people. I'm seriously making the most of my part-time status!
My boss is a smart-a$$ - which, fortunately is a language I speak fluently. Yesterday he had a little something taken off of his face and had this big gauze pad covering his cheek. I said, "You ought to try being nice to people so they don't punch you in the face" and he said, "I will... right after I say this, - SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK" and we all cracked up. He dictated a letter to my supervisor yesterday and then told her to give it to me to "fix up" since word of my mad writing skillz has gotten out. Not the blog, just my skillZ. I'm not sure I'm ready to be that transparent at work again. Too much bad juju in the past from my sharing my thoughts and stuff. I mean... I wouldn't DIE if the blog got out but I'm not giving anybody a road map, like I've done in the past. I don't even have pictures up at work. I'm just loving my job and loving my real life and for now, "never the twain shall meet".
Our office manager returns to work today after spending three weeks in Italy. She sent the most gorgeous photos from Venice yesterday! She wasn't IN Venice yesterday, she was just finally home and going through her photos. I've missed her. She's - hands down - the best diplomatic, compassionate, competent - person I've worked for, not just in this business but in any and every job ever. I didn't even meet the agents until I'd been there a week or so. Honestly, the wife agent came in last week and I thought she was a customer, didn't recognize her at first! The office manager really manages the office which is what enables us to run two agencies under the same roof with the same people - two are full time, two work four days a week, two work three days a week, three work two days a week, there are a couple of stragglers who work an odd day here and there - taking care of getting photos and stuff, one is full time except she comes in late two days a week and then there's me and my little twenty hours a week and we all keep the little train on the track somehow. That takes a lot of organization!
Anyways... I'm working 9-2 today, 11:30-4:30 tomorrow and... that's my week. You gotta love it!
Hope you all have a Wonderful Wednesday and I'll check in again soon! Love and hugs!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Reasons to Love Monday... After a Three Day Weekend
Did I really just burn thru a three day weekend that quickly? Ugh. I woke up at dark-thirty with my back ... screaming is the word that comes to mind but I know that won't make sense unless you have ever had back pain. Screaming back pain, that is.
I work from 9-2 the first three days this week and then 11:30-4:30 on Thursday. I would kinda sorta like to work the earlier schedule on Thursday too, so that if I decide to go to the mountains this weekend (and I'm kinda sorta thinking I might) I could go up on Thursday before rush hour and would have more time up there.
But I also kinda sorta feel like maybe I shouldn't. There is some physical work involved in being there by myself... carrying my own stuff in, the trips up and down the stairs to my basement nest... taking the trash and so on... and I feel it in my spine today, believe me.
But... I really love the solitude and all. To which Cody said last night, "Is it noisy here?" and I said... "not noisy but there is a difference - to me, at least - being in the mountains" Like... this kind of difference...
Anyways... gas is $3.69 a gallon and I have to think about the cost involved in going up there.
Although I could do it cheaper than I did this past weekend because I definitely splurged on some favorite foods when I could have easily just done a crock pot full of beans and made some cornbread. But anyways... haven't decided yet.
I keep hoping that Austin will want/need my help, even though that in itself is costly. I want to be around and able to help when he needs me. If he needs me.
So. Anyways. It's Monday. And we need to find some Reasons To Love It... here goes:
1. I did my laundry last night. Organized, folded, hung up. Ready to pick out something cute to wear once I figure out the weather.
2. I made this great batch of taboule this weekend and brought a bunch of it home. Breakfast of champions!
3. It's five hours. I mean. it's not like I'm pulling a twelve hour shift in the coal mines or anything. I love my job, I love my schedule, I love what I do and the people I work with.
4. My friend Whitney from Jacksonville found out last week that she's having a baby girl! I'm so stinkin' excited for them that I can barely stand it. A little girl with Whitney's personality and her honey's - also amazing - personality - is going to be just a treasure. The only things I miss about Jacksonville are the library, the beach and Whitney. And maybe a few restaurants.
5. Temperatures in the mid-seventies for a high today... I might try wearing tights. I love tights. I can't wait until it's cool enough for me to wear my cute boots. It's Fall, y'all!
6. Twice this weekend TWICE, I tell you! I had someone compliment how I look which... seriously... I'm super fat, fatter than I was when I started Weight Watchers the last time... and it semi-sorta bothers me when I catch my profile in the mirror and it sorta bothers me when I can't fit into stuff I want to wear but... being told that I look good even though I'm fat makes me feel like a runway model.
7. Today is my Uncle Carl's birthday. We have a big cluster of birthdays in our family - Daddy on the 21st, Carl on the 24th, my mama and my cousin Dixie on the 26th. My nephews Joshua and Matthew also have birthdays this month.
8. I spent yesterday afternoon reading about Scottish history. There's a twig of the family tree that (I believe, if I'm correct, usual disclaimer) led back to Robert the Bruce, a Scottish King who... ironically was responsible for the death of John Comyn, who is another ancestor, I believe.
9. Work. Picking up Marquee. Back in the nest by 3pm, if I'm lucky. We'll beat this Monday thing. We can do it.
10. My dad's cousin Leslie was born the same week he was... and the two of them were raised like twins, living at Great-grandma Ward's house when they were itty bitties. Leslie died tragically five years ago and this past weekend, her sweet daughter, Rachel, got married. I snagged this picture of the wedding party -Rachel's Gram - (also my Grandma's sister and sweet Steel Magnolia), Great Aunt Bette is 3rd from the right. So lovely! I love her dress. And Rachel's too!
Have a great Monday, y'all!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Random Sunday
Some random stuff about this weekend:
I never heard from Austin. He got his last paycheck on Friday and I guess he's "ghetto rich"... you know, the way people act in the ghetto when they get their guv'ment check, spending unwisely.
I have been perfectly content here in the quiet, resting with no obligations. This place restores my soul.
The pain doctor put me on an anti-inflammatory drug that must be expensive because he had samples. So far, on the smallest dose, it's making a difference. We may have had a break through.
I made a stop by Publix on my way up and bought: a premade salad, a half of a key lime pie, coffee creamer, cherries, figs, hummus and pita, those phyllo dough baked twists things that are crazy addictive and the makings for taboule.
Yesterday I went to the bakery and bought dog treats, cheese sticks (you may have to be southern to know what those are), something special for my mama, and a frozen entree- chicken enchiladas.
I realized that we didn't have olive oil or lemon juice for making taboule so I went to the market and bought those things. Plus chapstick, which I had lost and found immediately after buying a new tube. Plus q-tips because if we have them here, I couldn't find them and I felt like moss was growing in my ears.
In summary, I've not starved up here but I did spend more than I meant to.
Gas was $3.69/gallon when I filled up yesterday.
I had made arrangements to get the mailbox put up as my birthday present for mama and daddy and they decided not to put a mailbox up here so it wouldn't accumulate junk mail. The guy who was gonna do it was one of those in the Redneck Mafia during that disappointing dating season I had up here. We had a nice visit, even though we're still on a big fat "no" of wanting to date and even though he didn't put up the mailbox.
I'm not anti-men but I certainly have gotten past the need to have one in my life. Except when I'm watching football or need a spider killed or a lightbulb changed.
I found out that my u bend fluorescent bulb for my bathroom needs to be a u12 which they don't make any more but I've got a friend who thinks he's got the hook up for me. Otherwise, we need to change out the connector dealies. Right now I'm using a lamp with a bright bulb in my bathroom. It's kinda spooky.
I think we need some kind of marker at the top of the driveway to show people where we are, although the directions are super simple, I think.
I found out the county sheriff lives in our little cove. That's comforting.
I'm coughing up thick green gunk. I think the season of bronchitis has arrived via the autumnal equinox.
Not having a tv up here doesn't bug me like I thought it would. I missed College Gameday yesterday but it featured two ACC teams so I had little interest. I kept up with games via internet.
I would, however, like to have a downstairs coffee pot because tumblin' out of bed and stumblin' to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of ambition is a might bit harder when there are stairs involved.
The light bulb blew in the stairway to my lair and I can't reach it well enough to change it.
I started transcribing Granddaddy Pennington's book because I think we should have a copy somewhere other than the yellowing, crumbling pages. I got through a chapter and a half. There are thirty-eleven chapters.
It's interesting to see his writing style, it's much like mine, I think... and it's such a treasure to be able to hear his voice through his words. He's been gone since I was ten... 34 years now. I loved him so much. He called me Heifer and I think it was a compliment.
Purple Michael is DEFINITELY coming for a stay at our Mountain Bed and Breakfast, although the breakfast might come from Glenda's instead of our kitchen. He'll be here working the Christmas Season at Stone Mountain - he does a skit that's a mini-version of A Christmas Carol (Scrooge) and it's so hilarious that even though I've seen it a dozen times, I cackle like a hen again and again. If you're in the Atlanta area you HAVE to go check it out and introduce yourself to Michael. He is every bit as fabulous as I describe him to be and I love him more than words can say.
I had a long talk yesterday with someone who has been a part of my heart for a long, long time. You know how you yearn for something for so long and it comes true but not in the way you thought it would... so you adjust your sails to accept the wind that is blowing? And then the wind comes along that you had expected and you realize how much of a difference it would have made if the right wind had blown in the first place? Or does that cryptic sentence only make sense to me?
Like, the time that the kids' dad admitted to me that my kids are the wonderful creatures they are because of MY efforts, not his (paraphrased, of course).
Or the time that a family member that had put distance between us called and said they regretted that... (paraphrased again - and then they distanced themselves again so that was probably not as sincere as I had hoped)
Or the guy that I was head over heels in love with who married someone else... but... actually, that's more than one guy, so I think the head over heels part was not a mature, seasoned kind of love, you know, the marrying kind. Which, I kinda think I've become and expert on, having played the wrong hand twice.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be. Remember that little saying? Anyways. That's where the wind and the sails comes in.
Time to wrap this up, quit waxing romantic, pack up the perishables and the dirty laundry and the trash and head back to the burbs. Goodbye sweet Mountain House! I'll be back as soon as I can!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Photo Finish Friday
Oscar DOES know how to eat from a doggie dish on the floor, instead of his usual dining habit of being hand fed. Ahem. 
Our sweet Lily girl... covered up with Oscar's blanket. She's a love... except when she wakes us up at 2am to go out... or when one of the other animals comes between her and food. 
Don't worry... we didn't EAT it.
oops! Rolled off the counter. Guess who went after it? Lily. 
The view off the back porch this evening. Ahhh! On the Road Again...
I'm heading to the mountains today! Time to check on the house and the kid and enjoy early fall. The leaves are starting to change here in the Atlanta suburbs so I imagine there are some changes up in Northeast Georgia.
This is the first "non-working" "non-entertaining" weekend I've had at the new house and I'm beyond excited. We still don't have tv up there - which is an adjustment for me, since I'm the kind of person who has a tv on 24 hours a day - but we do have internet so I won't be completely cut off from the world. I'm packing Granddaddy Pennington's book to read, something I've been trying to do for about two months without success. I've also got tons and tons of archival stuff from Grandma's house to sort through. I'm sure I won't be bored.
I have a visit to the pain doctor this morning on my way up. The timing puts me driving through Atlanta at the end of rush hour but hopefully it won't be too terrible. I very much hate going to the pain doctor because it seems like I go... spend $100 or more... and nothing changes. It's sort of discouraging. However, although my pain never completely goes away, the meds that I'm on DO lessen the pain. So I jump through these hoops and check in every 2-3 months according to plan.
Today is also my dad's birthday! I think everyone is going out to eat tonight but... not me, because I'll be in the mountains. We thought about going out last night but mom and I were both beyond exhaustion so we decided to postpone it. Dad has been on a doctor ordered and monitored diet over the past month and has lost 26 pounds (I think, at last count). His birthday meal is going to be his splurge meal. Mama's birthday is next week. I'll splurge then!
The bad news is that Austin has been terminated from the work program. He missed three days last week due to being sick/dentist appointment and then left early on Friday so they dismissed him. It's a strict program, it has strict guidelines and ... to be honest with you... I think he lost interest once he had to start walking to the center to meet the bus to work. The first month they picked him up at his house but for the second month he had to demonstrate his ability to get there. Nobody where he lives has a car so he was having to walk. I hate it for him, I really do. I know it's a tough way to get started in life HOWEVER this is the path he chose for himself. He was welcome to come down here with me and do the program here, we could have provided transportation. For that matter, I feel certain that if he had utilized his contacts at church, he could have found someone to help him get where he needed to go.
If you want to do something bad enough, nothing will stop you.
If you don't want something, nothing will make you do it.
So he's back to the harsh world of being unemployed, living with people who are unemployed, not being able to pay his bills or have the basic necessities, other than food stamps. He says his friend "Fat Pat" has a job opportunity for him. We'll see. I called him last night to see if he needed me to take him to get his last check and cash it and he said he had it worked out. The last two weekends that I was up there I spent a fortune in gas running him around for things like shopping, getting his haircut, getting his laundry done, picking up his girlfriend, etc. If he doesn't need me this weekend, I'll be delighted. I want to help him but I also get a little frustrated with having to haul him around. It breaks my heart a little seeing him in need and not being able to be where I can help him.
I'll come back home on Sunday. It's a short trip, shorter than I would like, anyways, but I'm glad to have a three day weekend and glad to get up there for a bit. Hope you all have a great weekend!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Step One: It's ok to be you.
Continuing the theme from yesterday... I want to tell you a little bit more about my journey back. You could, if you really wanted to, read back through my blog from the beginning but... I think I can summarize a lot of what happened fairly simply: keep living.
That's my advice. I'm no psychologist (my brother is and I've always been his number one case study) but even in the Nut House I found myself in a position of encouraging and counseling the other inmates patients. Even when you don't have the answers for yourself - or for someone in your life who is discouraged - sometimes the very basic reminder - not flippant or unsympathetically - just a reminder that life can and WILL go on. Even if you spend a few days with the covers over your head eating ice cream straight from a carton, as long as your heart is beating, you're still living.
I think we find ourselves unable to move on from heartache because we try to figure out the ending to the story. We're a tv/movie society: we expect to have the story wrapped up within two hours with the big letters spelling out "THE END" and... well, that's not how God created us. We are born of struggle, we are living in a sinful world, we are creatures of free will and that means that the story drags on, sometimes without a clear plot, long after we *think* it should be over.
Isn't that what suicide is? Jumping to the end of the book and reading the last pages before you have a chance to flip through all the pages of the book? We have to give ourselves permission to just. not. know. and to accept and adapt to whatever comes.
Four years ago I couldn't imagine any other life than being in Jacksonville in a miserable situation.
Two years ago I couldn't imagine any other life than happily doing my Weight Watchers and feeling ten feet tall and bullet proof.
A year ago, I would never have imagined my job ending and having to accept that I would probably never again work full time and/or be able to live independently.
Even if we think we have our "happily ever after" plotted out, life can change on a dime. A diagnosis... an accident... a reversal of fortune... life's about change, nothing ever stays the same. The people who survive change are the people who are willing to accept a "new normal"... people who are willing to be creative enough to visualize a life that is different from the life they thought they would have.
I was a girl who always thought that I had to have a man in my life to be happy. Let me be more specific: I thought I had to have a certain kind of man who behaved in a certain kind of way so that I could fit in with the folks at the ball field on Saturday and with the Sunday School class on Sunday. When I realized that wasn't my reality, I lowered my standards. Instead of having that special guy, I settled for having ANY guy on any terms and to be honest... the stress drove me crazy. Once you get out of middle school, the whole "I like you, do you like me? check yes or no" conflict loses it's charm. More than once I met guys who couldn't (or wouldn't) be the man of my dreams. More than once I suffered deep discouragement.
It took me a lot - UH-LOT - of years and a lot of wrong relationships to realize how amazing life is all by myself! Don't get me wrong... I have an enormous amount of respect for stable, committed relationships. Married couples are the backbone of our church and society. That's just not the life that God has designed for me. Or, let me say it this way, that might have been the life that God intended for me and my impatience to wait for His will and way set me off on a lifetime of missteps.
Step one for me on the way back to sanity was to accept that single doesn't equal loser. I've learned to embrace the flexibility that comes from being on my own. It is very, very rare for me to even want or try to imagine being part of a relationship at this point. I like my life. I like the course that my life is on. I like my cozy little space in the house I grew up in and I love the spacious little space at the house in the mountains. There's no room for a man in either of those scenarios and I can't imagine anyone being able to compete with the stability that I've built for myself. I don't trust anyone enough to interject them into the baggage that my health would bring into a relationship.
It's like... there was the season of being a full time working single mom... and now there is the season of being a part time working awesome old maid aunt.
My situation is unique to me but it applies across the board: whatever you're facing, if it feels like the road ahead of you is making some sharp turns that you can't see around... just embrace this stage of your journey. Stop and smell the roses. Be comfortable in your skin. Don't try to force yourself into a cookie cutter shape that you think - or that the world thinks - you should be. It's ok to be different.
Honestly, it's better to be different and happy than to be the same and miserable. Learn to love your life and learn to love yourself. If you love yourself, you would never harm you.
And that was my step one. Have a great Thursday! It's my Yabba-Dabba-Do Day! Three day weekend ahead!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Happily Ever After
Almost a week has gone by since my last post. I've started to write several times and just haven't had much to say. Work is good. My back is bad. The weather's nice. Same old stuff.
But today is not just another day. It's the anniversary of the day, four years ago, that I could have - and would have - died. Ironically, on that day I thought that I was powerless to change the unbearable circumstances of my life... and unable to continue life the way it was. And yet, that day that marked the beginning of a season of change that I couldn't have imagined.
My friend Joey used to say that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The problems I had four years ago are so far behind in my rear view mirror that I can barely remember them. And don't want to.
The short version of the story, in case you missed it, bad marriage + discovery that husband was cheating = overdose. Husband knew I had overdosed and left me in my room, dying, for several hours then finally decided to take me to the E.R. I spent the next three days in ICU, the three days after that on psych hold and then got the heck out of dodge.
It was about as quick as that last paragraph sounds. I literally walked out of the doors of the hospital and into the arms of my waiting friend, A.T., my two oldest children and my oldest brother. We packed up, withdrew Austin from school, stopped long enough for me to get a manicure (because every major life change should include a decent manicure and blood red acrylic nails) we broke my piggy bank to rent a U-Haul and then loaded up the truck with as much of my stuff as we could and headed to North Georgia. We made it to the mountains on the evening of September 26th where my sister-in-law had a pot of chili waiting for us.
From Hell to Helen, we called it. It was not without drama - there was this really sad, pathetic encounter with the husband in the parking lot of the hotel where we were staying the night after I left the hospital (because it was decided that it was a bad idea for me to stay where things had gone so terribly wrong for me). I stood in the parking lot talking to him while he gave me back my wedding rings (that I thought would finance my escape - until I realized that they were fake - nothing like having some hillbilly pawn shop owner say, "Oh honey... you think these are real, don't you?") He had the audacity to tell me that if I left him HE had nothing left to live for. Except the woman he was cheating on me with, of course. My sons, brother and friend stood in the parking lot watching over the exchange and making sure he didn't do anything to hurt me.
No. He had lost his power to wound me. The hurt had already happened and the healing had begun. Four years ago, my life started over again. This time - these last four years - were borrowed time, bonus time, time that I wouldn't have had.
The last four years haven't been easy. I worked hard and suffered a lot - first due to the lung damage that we discovered that led to several bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia and then due to the crippling back pain that reared it's ugly head. I made a lot of great friends but I was alone way too much. I have lost - and gained - forty pounds. I kissed a few frogs that didn't turn into princes. My house got struck by lightning and we had to move abruptly. I guided a child through four years of high school and watched him leave the nest. I had my car repossessed. I had my power shut off once. I had my water shut off once. I had my satellite and internet shut off more than once. I lost my job and suffered through quite a few indignities from that.
Yet. Here I am. Still standing. Since my attempt, I have a friend who lost his brother to suicide - he couldn't live with chronic back pain, ironically. I met and swooned over a young man who lost his wife to suicide. My dear, sweet friend wrote a book about her husband's suicide and that book is now set for release, the story of her journey as a survivor. They're everywhere, people touched by this epidemic of suicide.
Yesterday we had stormy weather. As I was driving home from work there were dark, grey clouds swirling all around, ominous and menacing. And there, between the grey was one tiny patch of blue in the middle of the storm. I thought... "wow... the blue is always there, sometimes you just can't see it." The blue is permanent and the grey is temporary. And that simple epiphany describes my bonus years. I've learned to trust that the blue is there, even when all I can see is grey. Not knowing what your next step should be doesn't mean that you have to end your journey.
Four years ago I stopped being a victim and became a survivor. And I lived happily ever after.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Thankful for a Thursday off
I worked 9-2 on Monday, drove from Fayetteville to Morrow to pick up Marquee from school, came home and crashed.
I worked 11:30-4:30 Tuesday. I had some errands to run before work. We were shorthanded at work and I worked my tail off. I came home from work and crashed.
I worked 9-2 Wednesday, was insanely busy, doing three or four things at once, had a lunch meeting and therefore had to actually put what I was working on aside and get my usual five hour work day completed in three and a half hours. I came home absolutely worn out. Mom and dad had a potluck dinner at church. I didn't go (you know, since I'm home-churched) and had decided just to eat cantaloupe for dinner but my sweet mama brought me back a plate with fried chicken, potatoes, potato salad, deviled eggs, congealed salad, corn casserole, beans... I mean, it was a feast! God bless the good Christian women at Riverdale First Baptist. I spent the evening curled up in the nest feeling so exhausted that every breath was an effort and then I couldn't get to sleep until after midnight.
I'm off work today, Praise the Lord. I still have that overwhelming feeling of complete exhaustion. My limbs feel like they're filled with lead. I can barely keep my eyes open but I can't go to sleep either.
I'm working harder in the twenty hours a week at this new office than I did in forty hours a week at the old office. The main difference is that the old office included long stretches of nothing to do, I could have easily done that job in four hours a day which would have been - like it is in my new office - a win/win situation - no hours on the clock where productivity has waned - and reducing the stress on my spine. No way in the world would I have walked away from that situation with the economy like it is... but if it took going through that season of uncertainty to get to this season of blessing where I can still use my gifts and talents in a time frame that I can endure and feel productive and valued, then I'm glad to have been through what I've been through.
That's the problem with suffering... you don't always get to peek to the end of the story to see how it turns out. Many people suffer without ever finding the blessing from the burden. I'm a creative girl with an active imagination and, for the most part, an optimistic view of life and even I couldn't see this kind of work opportunity as the next chapter. Something kept holding me back from filing disability. Three doctors told me I could qualify. I just felt like there had to be more for me.
I'm struggling to keep my energy level up working 20 hours a week. I haven't had the strength to be much help to mama and daddy. I have basically just sat and stared at Cody when he comes over after work. I'm not lazy... I'm seriously unable to move. I know there are a few of you out there who deal with these same sorts of episodes of fatigue and I'd love to hear from you. I try to push myself to do a "plus one"... work plus one more thing every day. One day it was picking up prescriptions. One day it was picking up my daughter-in-law. One day it was cooking dinner. One day it was filling my gas tank. Today it's doing laundry.
I'm hoping that this day off will give me the strength I need to get back to "plus two" or three or more. I still have so many projects that I want to complete - reading Granddaddy's book - inscribing Grandma's bible (that Pop asked me to do weeksssss ago, I just haven't felt very articulate) working on the genealogy, organizing my wardrobe rack/closet.
And I'm also hoping that this season of struggle brings forth blessings... and that my Spirit is awakened enough to recognize them as blessings. I'm not crazy. I'm not lazy. Sometimes I'm hazy. But I'm always glad for every day, especially a day in the Nest!
If you would, pray for my friend Stephanie. She is having heart surgery today and her family is really worried. Also, a good friend who is having a lot of health problems with no real answer in sight... and Missie, who is dealing with a broken jaw and seizures. I could go on and on... I am not the only person in cyber space with obstacles. May we all overcome them with grace and faith! Love and hugs, y'all!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Reasons to Love Monday - Up Early Edition
I've been waking up with horrible back spasms lately. The only remedy is to immediately get on the heating pad which means... waking up enough to sit in the recliner and turn on the heating pad... which means first going to the bathroom and getting something to drink (hopefully coffee) before sitting down... which is tricky when my stinking back is in spasms because it makes my left leg not work right and the whole process of walking involves grabbing onto walls, chairs, etc, on the way down the hall. AND all of those things mean that I'm wide awake too dang early! Yet... even though I stumble through the valley of the shadow of ... discomfort... there are plenty of reasons to love an Up Early Monday today!
1. Up early means I get the coffee while it's still hot and the pot hasn't turned off yet from when Pop made it at middle-of-the-night-thirty.
2. Up early means freaking out three dogs and half the cats in the house. The other half of the cats are just furry furniture and don't move from their perches, regardless of what I do.
3. Up early means spending an hour pinning things that make me giggle.
4. Up early means that my hairstyle might just possibly evolve past the standard work day ponytail. Up early also means wondering if the lady who has been the only one to REALLY know how to cut my curly hair is possibly back in the United States and Facebook stalking her to find out. She last checked in from Nepal. Ponytail it is. Oh, wait... Nepal was two years ago... her status is separated... there's a chance that she may be back in the same time zone as me!
5. Up early means finding out which of my friends have insomnia. Insomniac facebook posting is the social networking equivalent of drunk dialing.
6. Up early means seeing the bubble headed bleached blondes on Fox and Friends First and guessing their first grade level word scramble at the first letter... while it takes the Fox and Friends hosts all the way until there is only one letter left.
7. Up early means being awake enough to actually eat breakfast before work.
8. Up early means finding an empty bowl on the floor beside the recliner and wondering what you ate post ambien last night.
9. Up early means wondering if there's a nefarious reason why Blogger's spell check doesn't recognize Facebook as a correctly spelled word. And then realizing that blogger disagrees with your failure to recognize facebook as a proper noun.
10. Up early leads to the best time of day: EARLY BEDTIME! Working 9-2 today, picking up the daughter-in-law from Clayton State, picking up my prescriptions from the pharmacy and... I should be back home and in my warm cozies by no later than 3:30. It's not a bad life, y'all.
BUT THE BEST thing about Up Early is seeing Lily... the big dog... who normally sleeps like this...
hijack the blanket that usually covers Oscar the wiener dog like this...
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Lady Godiva - My 30x Great-Grandmother
I've spent the weekend about a millennium back in time. I broke a tooth and it feels like it's trying to abcess, you know, giving me a headache and an earache and aching into my sinuses and just draining my energy (even more than usual)... so I've stayed in the nest doing my genealogy and watching tv.
The thing is... I didn't have a formal history class in high school. Our gifted class took the slot where our history class would have been. We learned SOME history but it wasn't the same kind of memorization/test cycle of most history classes. And then... I didn't go to college. So when I embark on a certain branch of the family, I have to dig a little deeper to understand the background of that time period and I find myself googling things like, "The Mayflower" or "Middle Ages". I'm a wikipedia junkie.
Last night I figured out that *if my research is accurate* (and who knows if it is?) I'm a descendant of Lady Godiva. And then I realized that the only thing I knew about Lady Godiva was that the theme song for the tv show "Maude" started with a line that went, "Lady Godiva was a freedom fighter...". So I had to figure out WHO she was. Here's the lineage:
[edit]Legend
I've been working on the same branch of the family all weekend. I'm not much of a "long-term project" kind of girl. I want to finish in a reasonable amount of time, i.e. before it loses my interest. Tracking your entire genealogy, even with the benefit of ancestry.com and the internet is a long, long, time intensive project. However, it's not like I'd be out feeding the homeless or running marathons if I *wasn't* doing the genealogy project. Hopefully, one day when my kids or nieces and nephews or grandkids or whomever gets interested, this will HOPEFULLY be a complete, completed record for them to access. And maybe by then there will be some other fantastic way to do this kind of research so they can just build on what I've already figured out.
At any rate... that's my weekend... hope you had a good one!
