My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Saturday, August 30, 2014

The Week IN Review

Things that crossed my mind during the last week, in no particular order because I have been on radio silence here all week for no good reason.

Austin's girlfriend Tasha's parents came and had dinner with us tonight. I was against it. I'm really having social anxiety issues. Any new social situation, even in my home, or even a social situation that I've handled a thousand times before all of a sudden becomes a big... "I just don't want to". I feel so far removed from life outside the Whine Cellar. It's just hard to connect because my life is one big "disclaimer".

"No, I don't work because of my back. I can't sit long because of my back. I can't stand long because of my back. I don't go out to eat because it hurts my back. I don't go to church because of my back. I live in my parents' basement because of my back. "

And a thousand other things "I don't do because of my back" which then runs into the conversation of what exactly is wrong with my back and how hopeless it all is and how disability is still open but who knows what the final answer will be or even when the final hearing will be held. And I know about half the people zone out or think that there has to be something they could do and I end up being defensive and pessimistic.
So, anyways, it's such a huge buzzkill to be "that girl" with all the crazy back stuff. And I want people to care but I don't want them to feel sorry for me - or even worse, in the telling and retelling of my life since this whole thing came about, it's emotional for me. It's just hard to live in a state of not knowing if I'll get disability or what I will do if I don't and...

But, truth be told, Tasha's parents are sweet, simple country folks and we had a nice dinner and visit and I sat at the dining room table to eat and picked at my food because that much pain makes me nauseous. I can sit and visit around the dinner table but I don't eat much. Later, in my little "sewing nest" which is a loveseat with an ottoman for me to prop my feet and be totally comfy (also it's where the best light is) I was working on my latest cross stitch project (which is a gift so I can't tell what it is but it's adorable and I'm making fast work of it) while everyone was down at the dock. (I couldn't make the climb up from the dock today as Evil Gut Pain is back and in control right now) Tasha's mom came and slipped in beside me in the loveseat and was going through my patterns and checking out my (perfectly organized) thread box. Then her dad came and sat on the ottoman right in front of us. They were all up in my personal space and I kept thinking, "this should freak me out. this would normally freak me out" but it didn't. They are so kind to Austin and they are good Christian people and I appreciate that they are that interested in what I'm doing that they wanted to get close enough to observe my progress.

Anyways... Big Brother (the tv show, not the person) has me feeling stabby tonight. Frankie, who I wanted to like because two people I know in real life know Frankie in real life and I dig that whole "degree of separation" thing, I wanted to totally be a Frankie fan but after today... nope. He's on ignore for me for the rest of his life. There's a sweet girl in the house who is Jewish, born in Israel. English is not her first language. She's a virgin. Frankie made some nasty comments about getting her drunk and raping her "two ways" if you get what I mean and if you don't, you don't want to. It's vile. That's not all the objectionable stuff he's said over the course of the game but that was the most personally offensive that he's said. I know it's for a lot of money but rape - and even joking about rape - is low-class, even if your sister is Ariana Grande.

Other things from this week... the girls and I made birthday cards for my Cody (whose birthday is today!) and my brother Bryan (whose birthday is tomorrow). They involved lots of glitter. I put a warning on my brother's because I didn't want him to be in work clothes and end up taking a glitter shower. Tasha was trying to teach the girls how to do origami but it was perfect storm of too much activity in the room, girls who were too tired to focus on making lots of little flowers. I never want to push them to do things. I just like to have fun things ready for them to do if they want. Some days they just want to come and chill out in front of the tv and that is way cool with me.

Me and Pop got up at first light this morning to go grocery shopping. It's my preferred time to go even if it meant dragging myself out of bed in the 6am hour. I splurged on a pumpkin spice latte. We got lots of good "stock up" kind of groceries and in general just had a good time. I'm so blessed to have parents that I enjoy spending time with... who also, mostly, enjoy spending time with me. As much as I hate the circumstances that have made it so that I have to live in my parents' basement... I will always treasure this time I've had with them. How many of us, as adults, get to spend much time with our parents other than holidays? And the thing is... I enjoy their company... I appreciate how they provide for me... they don't bug me about doing things that I don't feel like doing. I'm very happy that this is home for me for this season of life.

I also am enjoying this time of life to be able to pursue creative outlets like cross-stitchin'. It's just good for my mental well-being to do productive things, especially things that will make other people happy. I enjoy doing crafts with my nieces and passing along knowledge to them. I want them to look back one day and say, "my Aunt Heather taught me how to do this when I was a little girl" and know that I made a difference in their lives. I pray that they will always know how much I love them. I also pray that one day my brother David's family will be a part of our family again because I would love to love on his babies the same way I love on Sarabeth and Jamie... the same way my parents love on their grandchildren... We put a lot of love and effort into making "Mawmaw and Pop's house" and "Aunt Heather apartment" places where they feel loved and cherished.

College Football is back in season. I promised my boys that I would convert from Florida to Florida State once one of them give me a grandchild. So far nobody has ponied up but maybe later this fall... I watched the first part of the FSU game but just can't get passed Jameis Winston. Dislike.

I've been falling asleep earlier every night because of my new med. I'll take it. The only time I'm not in pain is when I'm asleep and sometimes it even invades my sleep world. The new med is also making me a bit mellow about things, which helps. This pain, the whole disability battle, not having adequate health care, the isolation from not being able to get out and about much, the anxiety in social situations (which is new for this former extrovert)... all of that SHOULD have me curled up in a little ball in a little rubber room but honestly, there is so much good in my life. My life looks different than I expected but there is a lot of really good stuff in my life.

And that's what's happened over the past week. Some of it. Love and hugs, y'all!