really quick stuff

Seriously. This cat is driving me nuts. Why must he lick my toes?

Earaches are 8 on a scale of 1-10 today.

Church tonight.

Pick Austin up from tutoring in about twenty minutes. Hope he got some stuff accomplished.

Emailed with Purple Michael today. I told him we needed to make some new babies because all our babies are grown up now...

He said his mother just cried out with joy at the thought. She always wanted us to have a baby together. She asked me to have his children in the middle of worship service at church on Easter Sunday of 2003. She wasn't deterred by the news that I couldn't have kids and he wasn't interested in doing what was necessary to make babies.

Ryan is home. Haven't seen him yet.

I don't wish Bad Kat bad karma. I just want her to understand that she doesn't understand. Being "right" in this situation was almost a tragedy. Sometimes people don't know what they're talking about.

No, Jen, you never said, "I told you so". Nobody could have possibly predicted the things that happened.

Would you believe me if I told you I'm over it? I just don't have the bitter, angry feelings any more. It happened. I put myself in his path. God knows (and MJD readily admits) that he wasn't a good husband to me. It can't be changed now and I can't spend the rest of my life as "the woman scorned". I've got too much living to do.

I talked to Joshy today... he's getting married on Saturday... my son's best friend for years... I'm so excited for him. He and Megan have been together forever... they've been engaged FOREVER! They waited until she finished school. Once they get married he will go back to school. They've been smart about things. Patient. They've had a healthy balance.

I've got to head out the door. Love and hugs, y'all!

a bunch of stuff

I had a lot of things on my mind to blog about today but then I saw this comment...

kat has left a new comment on your post "i need a vacay!": Glad to see you left Michael and came to your senses. I was the one you got mad and wrote a journal entry about me because I told you to kick him to the curb a few years ago. Feels good to say Told you so.

and THAT stopped me cold in my tracks. Does it feel good for my life to have fallen apart? How satisfying is it to be able to say "I told you so"? Do you have any idea what it cost me? Makes me wonder why I blog.... so that strangers can feel some sick sense of validation at my personal pain? Get a life, girl. Anyone who reads my blog to be able to take pleasure in my pain, please click the big red x in the corner. I certainly don't need your nasty comments.

Now... here's what I had intended to blog about...

Ryan is going to be in Atlanta tonight. I can't wait to see him! My Booboo!

Cody has finally gotten the corrected title so we can get his car tagged so I can stop hearing the "have you heard anything?" comments. What an amazing gift he has been given... so the paperwork took a little while to get in order... it's better than anything he would have had otherwise.

Cody had big news for me today. I haven't asked if I can share it so I'll sit on it for a few more days.

Austin has been a major slacker at school recently. He doesn't know it yet but he's staying after until 5:30 tomorrow to make up work... he usually stays until 4:30 on
wednesdays but we're not having dinner at church tomorrow night.

My friend Hana's husband is being inaugurated as president of Truett McConnell college. This is a major big deal. Emir is the first former muslim to be president of a southern baptist college. They're cool people and I'm honored to know them. Our church is hosting a dinner in Emir's honor tomorrow night for all the dignitaries in town for the event.

Everything is in bloom here and it's beautiful. We have rain coming in tonight and it's supposed to be curly weather through the weekend. Goodbye drought! I hope.

I got a fabulous postcard from Robert Drake today! If I haven't mentioned it lately, I LOVE Robert Drake! Every girl should have a friend like him.

Every girl should also have a Cory. I haven't talked about him a lot because I didn't quite know what to say. I spent a lot of years being a "fag hag". Now I'm finding myself as a "straight mate". He and I have a connection that goes beyong the intimacy I ever had with Michael...Super guy... no romantic interaction... just a great friend/another brother... He's been through a lot of the same stuff I've been through and we just "get" each other. There is zero pressure to impress or be girlie or cute with him... he's just a buddy... he's only going to be a buddy for me... Cory and I have spent hours on the phone in the past few weeks and he has become quite special to me. He's - as Whitney would say - the New Jam.

Speaking of Whitney... she's having an amazingly successful year selling life insurance. I'm so proud of my girl! We email back and forth almost every day. She was definitely the best thing that happened to me in Jax.

I talked to a State Farm agent today that I interviewed with back in the week or so that I was trying to decide whether or not to stay in Atlanta or move to Jax. He wanted to hire me... I decided to go to Jacksonville. I needed an agent to witness a signature in Dunwoody two miles from his office. He found out I was back in Georgia and said he was still hiring if I was interested. I'm not. I can't imagine ever leaving here!

That's something else I don't really articulate well because I don't know how to say it. I love my job here. It's stressful and hectic and there are some issues that need to be sorted through but Duane is the best boss I've ever had. I can tell him anything. We cut up a lot but I have a healthy respect for him. I loved Tommy to pieces... he was good to me. Kathy and I never quite clicked. Duane and I are a lot alike and have a similar spirituality which is so helpful. He places a lot of faith in me... which still surprises me... that anyone would find me capable of anything! But he does. I love it here... and I love my job... and I'll stay put as long as the Lord will let me.

You have to check out Kathy's website. There is this little mini Kathy that pops up on the screen and talks to you. www.kathyscottinsurance.com Several of the agents are doing this now. There is one out of Wisconsin that pops up in her robe and curlers with a laundry basket... it's cutie patootie... can't remember the link.

So... the whole ear/jaw pain ... once I finished the meds... the pain came back. I'm still on a relatively soft diet (although I'm planning on Longhorn's tomorrow! woohoo!) and I'm still doing the retainer/splint deal. It's basically like when knee cartilage wears out... only it's in my face... if you can imagine having an overuse injury to your jaw. Ha! So I talked to the oral surgeon yesterday and he's ordered an mri to see how extensive things are and if there's any improvements with the meds. I can't stay on prescription strength motrin and flexeril forever. Nor can I afford to be out of work for surgery. Not sure what to do... but I'll go see him...

Ok... time to cook some dinner.... peace, love, hugs y'all!

i need a vacay!

Where did my weekend go? Between working yesterday morning and shopping all afternoon (not fun shopping - stressful "have to" shopping)... and then church this morning.... a few hours in between and then Austin's bible drill competition in one short hour... we have just been going nonstop.

I did manage to clean out my closet last night and that felt awesome! My clothes are all neatly arranged and separated. I also cleaned out some relics from my time with Michael that I don't want to throw away but don't want to look at every day. I still had all of our paperwork from our Vegas wedding trip in my lingerie "drawer" -which like everything else around here is really in a rubbermaid container... because I'm stuck in "first apartment" decor still... yet still so glad that it's my place. All mine.

This morning in Sunday school we talked about marriage... ironic, huh? The week I get my divorce papers. I'm in a really diverse group of ladies on Sunday mornings. Some have been married for 50 years... some newleyweds... and me. We talked about how sometimes Christians are justified to leave marriages. My pastor's wife teaches the class... she was very specific that abuse is an acceptible reason to leave a marriage... and she was specific that verbal and emotional abuse is harmful. I have been very careful about how I tell my story at church. I just spoke up long enough to say that there is hope... that God doesn't expect us to stay in destructive situations... and I believe this. Truly God has blessed my separation from Michael.

I have some crazy allergy stuff going on. Everything is in bloom! It's beautiful! I need to take pictures but I have (of course) not had time. My nose is running and my eyes are running and my head hurts.... which is probably part of the reason I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to get all my stuff in order and I also really want to get some rest. Next week is another marathon week. I think Austin and I will be heading home after bible drill. I love my church but I just can't be there for everything. If I did the whole kit & kaboodle today it would mean spending seven hours in church today... I just can't. Some times I just have to be realistic about the fact that I am a single working mother... working six days a week most weeks... I just don't believe that God intends for me to be in church for seven hours on the one day I'm off. I just don't.

It probably was not a great weekend for us to have Devin spend the night (in retrospect). Devin and Austin have a great time together but they're also a two man wrecking crew. I have expended a great amount of energy just getting the house back to "frat house"... it was "post cat five hurricane" when I got home from work yesterday. Austin has done most of the work but he doesn't work independently. It requires constant supervision!

Church was awesome this morning, though. It's always good to be there. I just have to have some balance in my life. Leaving work early on Wednesday to be at church means working on Saturday to make up the time. It's just a lot on me.

I need a wife. Or a handy man. I sent my friend Cory a honey-do list. He's two hours away but he's the handiest of the men I know... he can change the blinds that Austin broke... unstop the toilet that Austin stopped up... reattach the drivers side mirror that got knocked off.... all that sort of guy stuff. With Ryan and Cody around, they could repair the stuff Austin broke. Now that it's just me and Austin... and I'm the least mechanically inclined left-handed person you have EVER met... the to-do list just keeps growing.

Ok... this is just a big old whiny post and I really need to get dressed for bible drill. Love and hugs, y'all. And yes... it's ok to post responses in facebook instead of in here. Love and hugs.

pictures from today... life is good!

my rockin' friday...

This post will not be in chronological order. I apologize.

Devin is here. Devin is my cousin Kevin's little boy. Ok... little boy who will be 17 in May. He is also Austin's lifelong best friend. Austin has had so much going on at church lately that he hasn't had time to hang with Devin. I thought Devin was coming tomorrow night but when I got home tonight, his parents were in the driveway. They (wisely) opted not to leave Beavis and Butthead alone together.

TMZ is on. I still have a crush on the blonde guy. He's a guilty pleasure for me. I don't crush much or often. I'm sorta past all that. But the TMZ guy is purty.

I got home later than usual because I took Sarabeth to a spend the night party. I'm not sure we're ready for Sarabeth to be old enough for spend the night parties but ... her friend Jessalyn was having a sleepover with a dozen squealing little girls and SB was invited. Jamie gets really upset when they drop sister off and she doesn't get to stay so Angie brought SB to me at the office and I took her to the party. It was on my way home. Jessalyn is the daughter of Austin's science teacher (because there is only a degree and a half of separation around here). Her dad went to the same church I did when I was a kid -and the whole family, of course, goes to our church now. His mother (Jessalyn's grandma) was one of my bible study teachers. Yes, it's a small world after all. Jessalyn embarassed her mother by asking Sarabeth, "did you remember to bring a present?" Her mom turned red. I said, "it's ok... you know my child is missing a filter between his brain and mouth". She agreed.

God bless Sarabeth's friend Jorjanne (daughter of my friend Natalie)... she was very sweetly introducing Sarabeth to the little girls she didn't know. Sarabeth lives in Habersham county and the other little girls live in White county. What maturity for a child to think to introduce people!

I stayed up half the night last night talking on the phone... like I'm 15 or something. I thought it would be rough today, but it was actually ok. We were ridiculously busy - the insurance business is booming. I'm not selling commissionable products but I'm selling. I still love my job. Since Angie brought Sarabeth to me at the office the girls got to see where I work... and meet Duane.

I bought a new purse at lunch today. Retail therapy. It's naugahide... it was on clearance for $7. It's cute. It's replacing my fauxch purse... which I love but it was just too small. Maybe one day I'll have a grown up purse.

My battery is being stupidly positional and the laptop yoga isn't working for me tonight. Love and hugs, y'all.

feelin' the love!

Whichever one of you is praying for me to be filled with joy today! God Bless you! I have been exceedingly glad. I don't know how else to say it... TIGGER, bouncing off the walls, happy... which is really significant because it was exactly six months ago today that I was in the deepest, darkest place of my life. God is amazing! I wish I could bottle and sell what I'm feeling because everyone should know this kind of joy!

My childhood friends - Teresa, Debbie and Angela (they're sisters) - their mom had open heart surgery on Monday and is doing so well she will be released from the hospital tomorrow! I'm so glad to see the continuing power of prayer in their lives and pray for mom to continue to recover. They lost their dad a few years ago.

I heard a great story today for my "life in a small town" file...
This old timer slowed down to turn into his driveway and was struck from behind. The police were called (the one who told me said, "poh-leece" if that helps you hear the story better!). As they investigated the accident it became apparent that Old timer had not signaled before turning. He explained it to the poh-leece-mun this way, "Well, Bill... you know I've been living in that same house for fifty years. I figgered everybody in these parts knew I'd be turning into my driveway". He didn't get a ticket. This is a true story.

Kelly - I'm thinking that if you come to my neck of the woods, I can surely find you a place to stay! Give me the dates... I'm all a-tingle just thinking about it! I'd be willing to bet that we could get Mary to come over from Alabama for a visit at the same time... we might even be able to wage a full-scale Blogger Babe attack if we're careful! I bet I could even get the fabulous Dr. Drake to make an appearance if we give him a few months notice so he can work us into his incredibly busy schedule. The Bear is too much of a Snuffalupagus for a command performance but I think I could plan a full day of Corset fun for you and yours.

Speaking of the fabulous Dr. Drake... am I a Joan Rivers or a Tina Turner? Hmmm... I think in some ways I'm a bit more of a Tina, regrettably. I've almost decided I want to keep the name, mostly out of laziness. I figure... at some point in the future I'll marry again and it's already such a huge pain to document Gant to Sauls to Darby. I can't imagine the headache of documenting Gant to Sauls to Darby to Gant to ... whatever. And in some ways, remembering the Darby is healthy for me. It's a measurement for me of just how far I've come.

As I was telling Austin last night when he asked for the thirty-third time since Monday if I could maybe just please possibly consider going back to Sauls... I love the Darbys. Some of 'em might not think I'm exactly a gem right now but I have an enormous amount of respect for them. I love my (soon to be ex) mother-in-law. I think she's such a strong, intelligent woman. I adored my (STBE) sister-in-law, ditto for her. and Tim was always a great source of entertainment and usually had my back (at least to my face) and prayed for me, which means so much to me, especially now! I love the Darby kids. I will always see Stephen as my step-son. I will always worry after Bobby. I will always remember Elijah screaming "I love you, Curious George" during our visit to the library and Christopher greeting me with an excited "Aunt Heather's here!" I'll always remember Charity getting on Uncle Mike's case when he took the bread away from me at her 21st birthday dinner...

What I'm saying... obviously, bad stuff happened during that time period in my life but it wasn't all bad stuff. There are lots of great memories and I'm grateful. I was proud to be Michael's wife, up until that last month or so. My heart breaks at the thought that he didn't know how to accept or return my love. I mean... you guys all know that I'm a loving person! Some of you know just from what you read here! So imagine living with me... having me wear myself out to show you love and respect and you still being unable to feel loved. There was the potential for greatness.

The thing is... I have more spiritual and emotional intimacy with you guys than I ever had with my husband. I never knew what he was doing or where he was going or what his plans were. I wasn't included in any important decisions or allowed to even go shopping with him unless it just happened to be on the way we were already going and even then I had very little say in what was bought. Bobby had more spending power than me! I say this not out of bitterness but because the key to me in not grieving is realizing that I didn't lose much more than frustration and hurt. How I wish there could have been more! How I longed to know his secrets and to be his confidant and to spend time with him and to share those little inside jokes and to grow to be each other's best friend. I make a great friend. My heart grieves not for my own loss, but for his, in what he had without knowing... my heart will go on, not to be sappy, but the truth is that I AM a great girl and I have an enormous amount of love to give and there will be some lucky man to benefit from Michael's loss.

My yiddish is a bit weak, Robert, so you may have to translate schmegeggie for me! I don't know much more of them-there Jewish terms than what I learned doing Crossing Delancey. But the truth is that we lived in a house of cards and they all came tumbling down. There's nothing to gain from him. It's not a matter of not having anything to lose, there's just nothing to gain. Fighting back - in the sense of contesting the divorce - means the cost of retaining an attorney, traveling to Jacksonville - probably more than once - time, emotional energy and money that I just don't have. I may regret it some day, just as I regret much of my relationship with him, but I am not in a position to fight. It's not a matter of choice for me. Poor people have to just trust God to fight for them, like it says in Exodus 14:14 - "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".

In this, I need to be still. Jeanne, I'll scan the papers in today and try to email them to you. It's really just a form that says, "it didn't work" and "we ain't got nuttin'". It's not sinister. There's nothing hidden... there's nothing to it. Mary, ditto, I'll let you see if you find any hint of danger.

Well. Typing this has taken my whole lunch hour, what with interruptions and trying to scarf down a smart ones calzone and some cheese and crackers. I still have a yogurt parfait to go... maybe later...

Loved ones, know that you are all so precious to me... I pray that God returns to you ten-fold the blessing that you have been for me. Six months later and... life is good!
love and hugs, y'all!

life is too funny

This made me laugh and I couldn't wait until I get home to comment on it:

Yes, I can understand wanting to paint half your face blue, toss on the Catholic School Girl Skirt, run to the mountain side and scream "FREEDOM!" (BTW, if you do this, please video tape)

Ok... I have to do this just because I made me laugh so hard to think about it! Today I'm dressed more like lost member of the Duggar family with a skirt down to my ankles and my hair hanging long like it's a religious statement of sorts. But the school girl skirt... yes, that would make for some good video... blue face or not.

I'm already planning my post-divorce tattoo. More on that later. Work is busy. love and hugs!