My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Thankful Thursday

Dick Clark is dead and I don't feel so good myself.
I don't know what I'm always compelled to start my blog entries that way whenever someone famous has died.
I mean no disrespect, of course.
I spent countless hours watching American Bandstand. (does anyone else insert the pause between band & stand like they did in the theme song?)
Sad that he's gone but I know the past few years haven't been easy for him.

This has been the hardest week for me. I don't feel well. My joints ache so bad. It hurts to move and it hurts to sit still.  I mean, I could do a lot of things... I'm in a beautiful corner of the world... but it hurts so much to do anything and I'm still battling the swelling in my legs (and can't see the doctor until Monday). It's really painful for me to drive because my legs swell and the skin feels tights and they get hot and itchy. And... I'm just trying to be as financially conservative as I can, not knowing if I have to payback everything I've gotten so far from unemployment and trying to make sure I have enough money to handle bills until I go back to work. I am trying to avoid unnecessary trips to town.

I do have to go into town today to mail something (no outgoing mail receptacle here) and to get my meds refilled and to take some books to the library. I'm still on a quest to get some coiffing done - my hair is a frizzy mess. I need to stop by Windstream to discuss a discrepancy in their billing (again). Just lots of little stops while  keeping all my resources in perspective... knowing that I only have about an hour before the swelling gets bothersome... doing things logistically so that I don't waste gas. You know, trying to be responsible and all that. I feel like a tumbleweed.

I had no idea how mentally exhausting it is to maintain a positive attitude when you spend so much time cooped up. I mean... I will start to stress over things and I have to take a deep breath and remind myself of the truth of the situation:

Yes, you may have the unemployment decision reversed but you never thought it would be approved in the first place. You are prepared, you have done everything you could and it's out of your hands.
Yes, you may not be able to find a job here but that doesn't mean that you won't find a job. God has it all planned out.
Yes, it seems like time has stood still but Austin graduates in a month and six days. Whatever next season lies ahead is so very close!
No matter what happens, you have plenty of support. You will never be homeless.
You need to appreciate the break and take this opportunity to heal and rest.

All of this sort of self-talk. What's beautiful... and unique about this time of my life is that it's the only time I've ever truly been able to genuinely, one hundred percent, take time off and relax. I had a kid, a husband and a full time job from the time I was 18. Even during the times of my life where I've not worked... I've always worked and had responsibilities. The last time I was unemployed I was in production for three shows and working 12 or more hours a day WITH three kids still at home AND cleaning houses and doing other things to earn money. I've never really taken vacations. I've had time off here and there but it was always for a reason, other than a few short trips during the Darby Era and even then, there was so much stress and responsibility. To be able to get up in the morning and know that other than feeding the cats and making sure Austin gets home safely... there is nothing. NOTHING! I have to do and nobody to complain if I do nothing.

The thing is... I don't know how to do nothing. I mean... obviously... I've been figuring it out. What I mean is that I don't know how to do nothing without feeling guilty... like I should be doing something. But... yesterday, for instance... I swept the kitchen floor and remembered... I can't sweep the floor without pain. I ran into Helen with Austin and in that half hour, my feet were already swelling. It's like... if I'm doing nothing I feel guilty and if I'm doing something I feel like I'm being self-destructive. I swear... I've looked back on both sides of the family for hundreds of years and there's not a single Jewish ancestor but I own that Jewish guilt like it's my birthright!

This was totally not what I intended to blog about today... but apparently... that was all very close to the surface. I'm really coming to empathize with so many people! Every time I go through some trial or tribulation, I gain new perspective that, I hope, will make me a better person... a more compassionate, kind, caring, understanding and ... um, patient... person. I just have to figure out a way to get this new & improved Heather into a place where who she is makes a difference and is appreciated.

Hope you're all doing well. Have a great Thursday, y'all.


Fat Free JAM said...

Hey I am like you...there are times that I give myself permission to do nothing, but I then feel like I should be doing SOMETHING, like doing NOTHING is not acceptable...ugh sometimes we just need to RELAX and as my momma said til the day she died..."Find beauty in the moment"....Relax Heather. Love ya!