My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

A Long Whine and then a brief "Reasons I Loved Monday" post.

I wrote a "Reasons To Love Monday" blog in my head while I was driving in monsoon rains to pick my sweet daughter-in-law up from school yesterday. It was really good. Too bad I can't type and drive. Or remember anything for more than ten minutes.

I was sorta blue about missing out on spending my four days off up in the mountains. My master plan was any time I had more than two days off in a row, to spend them at the mountain house but... Friday my car broke down, Ryan was in town, we had monsoon rains and I would have hated driving home in that... so, really, it seems that I was not supposed to be in the mountains last weekend.

Plus... the front that moved through that brought heavy rain really did a number on my spine. I'm having trouble walking. I'm either dragging my left leg or leaning on things and it frustrates me. Stairs would have been tough.

I haven't seen the new schedule yet but I'm going to work towards spending at least every third weekend up there. I need it. I'm sure that today is going to be crazy/busy since I missed the past two work days and I have a one hour class this morning. I see working late in my future... I'm going to just soak up the extra time and see if I can't put it toward a YabbaDabbaDO Day.

Every time I struggle with walking, I feel the sands dripping through the hour glass. How much longer can I work? How much longer will I be able to just head off to the mountains on my own? I've got debts hanging over my head and things like the car breaking down just adds to those debts. I feel like I'm split between two places - a job that I love and a mountain house that I love. I'm split between being at the home place where I can help/be helped & spend time with Cody and Marquee... and between the mountains where I am spiritually grounded and I can be close to Austin and help him. (he's still out of work).

I love my job and actually LIKE being at work, up until the point that it hurts. Being a slug all weekend did nothing to slow the pain in my spine. I did a little shopping on Friday. A little shopping on Saturday. Nothing - and I mean NOTHING on Sunday. I made beef stew yesterday and went to pick up Marquee. Other than that, nothing. And still... I'm walking like an old woman.

I go back to the pain specialist on November 19th. We're going to have to get serious about some support, whether that means a brace or a cane or something that helps me walk on days like I've had this week. They want to try more shots, specifically for my right arm which has been giving me trouble. Ugh. I was prepared for the arthritis to affect my spine/legs because that's where we started but once it started causing pain in my elbows and hands... it made me realize this beast is not as predictable as I would like it to be.

There's another layer to that onion. There is this guy who keeps asking me out and I keep telling him that I don't date. I'm managing my circumstances the best I can with the resources I have available. I'm at "critical mass" physically... I can't add a social schedule to my work schedule with any expectation of reasonable pain management. I don't want to have to indoctrinate someone new with the limitations and frustrations I deal with... I don't want to take a risk that someone would get a few dates in and then realize that I don't usually feel like going anywhere or doing anything and then have to deal with their rejection. I don't want someone to feel sorry for me yet it really hacks me off to have someone not comprehend the amount of pain I live with on a daily basis. I don't want to be a burden to anyone else.

There's an old flame who would like to be back in my life on a limited basis and it's tempting (limited due to geography and obligations). I've explained some of my limitations to him but I've never really sat down and spelled out my ultimate, worst case scenario. He wants to give it a shot and I just don't know... I've already gotten over him before, watching him get engaged to someone else (literally - he handed me the camera to take pictures for them) and rewriting the story in my head about my happily ever after - minus him. Some of the circumstances that came between us then no longer matter but... still... would it just be a matter of time before my limitations become too much of a burden? I feel like that's the unavoidable outcome with anybody and everybody so I am finding I have a tendency to limit the potential for future disappointment.

And that's the hang up, really, in any relationships or friendships or family... to explain to people the list of things I flat out CAN'T do anymore (like ride on roller coasters), things that I'd rather NOT do any more because of the amount of pain it causes (like go out to eat - if there's a long wait or a hard seat or we're seated in a booth where I can't get comfortable) and things that I can sometimes do without trouble and yet other times it's pure agony (like walking up and down stairs) and making people understand that I have no control over what will hurt and when it will hurt. I may have a couple of days with muscle spasms (like last Friday) or I may have a few days when the arthritis is really bad and I'm unable to move easily, so that anything that involves movement involves pain. And while I work really hard at keeping even tempered and positive, regardless of the pain level, I'm sure there are times when I'm really un-fun to be around.

Somewhere in this long, rambling whine was supposed to be a "Reasons I Loved Monday" post so let me spit out a few so I can get ready for work:
1. New episode of How I Met Your Mother. Always makes me happy.
2. I made an awesome crock pot full of beef stew for dinner.
3. My cat loves me.
4. It was a day off - rainy day off - but day off none-the-less.
5. I woke up. I went to sleep. It was another day that the Lord made.
6. I got to spend time with my daughter-in-law and future mother of my grandchildren and I'm always impressed with how smart she is.

Must glam. Love you guys!


Big Mark 243 said...

There is this guy who keeps asking me out and I keep telling him that I don't date. I'm managing my circumstances the best I can with the resources I have available. I'm at "critical mass" physically... I can't add a social schedule to my work schedule with any expectation of reasonable pain management.

I wonder why you would say something like this and then talk about adding some cat from your past back into your life... I know I don't comment often, but I am going to through a bullsh*t flag on this part of your post and it colors the rest of it as well...

You sound like I believe Nebraska thought... that no one would want to be a part of her life as it was even though a brother moved to Omaha to be a part of her life AS IT WAS. Tell the new cat what is what, in a NICE WAY, not trying to scare him off and FIND OUT. Why not..? The bullspit option is GOING TO BE THERE... because that is how bullspit options are...

Trust me... I feel you about dealing with the pain and all that stuff... and while you have begun to find a balance, it is because you have earned it... show how much you have improved and if you want a possible partnership in your life, you will give it a chance... Nebraska didn't and she is old news... when she could have been today's headline... Making less-than-good choices will do that to a person...

Give the new cat a FAIR shot... that less-than-good option WILL BE THERE... go FORWARD and not back...

Unknown said...

You said things could get worse to where you won't be able to do things on your own.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe God is trying to put someone there in your life to help you?

Lea said...

I hope you soon find some good options for pain management. Glad you have a supportive family, and will pray for wisdom in your decisions on friendships, dating, etc.,