My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Monday, February 25, 2013

Monday's Here Again

It's late on Sunday evening and I'm awake. Remember when I used to be asleep by 8pm every night? That ship has sailed. I'm tired but not sleepy...

and this sweet little kitty cat who must be petted by BOTH hands is making it hard for me to do anything other than make him happy. He makes me happy. It's a fair trade.

I'm watching the Oscars. I meant to just watch the Red Carpet and then the show started. I meant to just watch the show until I got bored and it's been semi-interesting. Very musical theater oriented, which I particularly enjoy. Sort of a Tony/Oscar.

I know I blog excessively about my miseries and I don't mean to be a whiny drag but this little journal serves as my personal medical record, my "dear diary" and a way for me to keep dates and pains straight. I forget stuff more easily lately and it bothers me. Even though I blog too much about aches and pains, I need to note that I have had a miserable headache all day and that nothing, not even the really strong meds has been able to break it. Well, more accurately, the strong meds make it go away for a little bit but then it returns, right back to the same spot. I need to remember to tell my regular doctor about this, especially since my blood pressure is back to the "too high even with meds" numbers again.

Remember that really good blood pressure reading I had that one day? Yeah. That was awesome. It hasn't happened since. There is a part of this that is pain related but a lot of it is diet. Bad diet.

Last week was a particularly rough week pain wise. Adding a round-trip to the mountains in the middle of  a work week is a really bad idea. I knew it would be. I'm  also finding that I'm more and more strongly affected by weather and have learned exactly which pains are arthritis related since we've had so much rainy cold weather lately. So... making extra demands on my spine in a wet week is pretty much going to have to go on the "things to avoid to avoid pain" list which is constantly growing.

I'm a bit wound up, stress wise, because of the pain. I'm so afraid of hitting the end of the road where productivity is concerned. Last week those 20 hours I worked were too much. I judge my workdays based on whether or not I cry on the way home. Two out of four kleenex days on my way home last week. I worry that I'm forgetting things when I'm distracted by pain. I worry that my tone isn't pleasant enough or that an unpleasant interaction will take me to tears when I'm already sort of at my limit of dealing with things.

Those soggy after work moments come in part because of what the pain means, more than just because I'm uncomfortable. I mean, the pain at times is enough to cause tears but the thought that my limit of how long I can work may be closer than I want... the fear for the drought that will come, money wise, in between my last time of working and how quickly I can get approved for disability. Not because I will starve. I won't. Or be put on the street. But because there are things that require money - things like medication and car insurance and just being able to have an iced green tea periodically at Starbucks - that I won't be able to put on hold while I'm crossing that bridge and I don't want to be a burden on anyone for those things. I also don't want to be less than my best at work, ever.

The tears also come because it's just not fair. I know there are people who have it way worse with far less support than I have. I know I'm beyond blessed to have a safety net at home and a incredibly supportive work place and a doctor who listens to me (most of the time) and to finally have medication to take the edge off when things get really flared up. I know that from that perspective I have so much more than many who have chronic conditions. But you know... I worked so hard to keep our lives together as a single working mom... and I spent so many years being pulled between being a good mom and a good employee (and many of you know what I'm talking about)... and THIS should be my golden worker years... no more mommy obligations... years of experience in my field... a great work environment and... now I'm in a struggle between surviving the pain and being a good employee.

This is why I don't blog at night. I get too whiny and tearful. However, sometimes I think it's good to gain a little transparency... although not as much as Anne Hathaway's Oscar dress... get that woman a full sized mirror or a better stylist...

Where was I?

You guys are so good to encourage me and share your opinions and I appreciate that so much. Sometimes my pain is so loud that I can't hear my own thoughts. But I'm starting the work week with a good deal of anxiety about whether or not this will be a four tissue week... or a no tissue week... and there's rain in the forecast which doesn't improve my odds... and I know that there is a point where I will have to dial back a bit and I just don't want that day to come.

More in the morning... I'm sleepy now


And now it's morning... Monday morning... I'm dressed, made up, coiffed, fed... curled up beside a  little dachshund and watching Good Morning America and ready to hit the road in about twenty minutes.... coughing up green slime... with a crazy mottled burgundy rash across my back where the heating pad normally rests (I'm thinking that can't be good)... exhausted... in pain... ready to burst into tears at any moment but really determined to be all that I can be today.

My Reason to Love Monday? Just one: it's here. It showed up. Life has gone on. Another Monday in my life, another chance to be the best me I can be.

I hope you, too, are waking up to Monday and I hope you find reasons of your own to love it.