My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

All I Can Do

It's been quiet and cool so far this week and I've been nesting more deeply than usual. Austin's Basement Clown Posse is otherwise engaged and so it's just been me, the kid and the cats. Very quiet.

It was so quiet today I sat in the living room this afternoon and watched two deer wander through the front yard. Since there were no dogs barking they lingered in the yard for awhile. I caught pictures of them through the screen door. I didn't want to startle them away by opening the door. I'm wondering... minus them eating the garden (which, didn't do anything this year anyways)... and the unfortunate deer vs. car accidents, is there any reason we wouldn't want deer in our yard? I'm just contemplating putting something out to attract them since I enjoy watching them. And then I realize how old and sedentary that makes me sound... wanting to commune with nature in that way.

I had a call from the disability attorney yesterday making sure I had received the second denial. Yep. We began the appeal process. They just reviewed what we've reviewed a half dozen times since May and made an appointment for a conference call on November 4th to complete the paperwork. I can't even say that I'm frustrated or disappointed with the process at this point. I knew from the beginning that it would be a long process and that very few people get approved on the first or second attempt. I worry about running out of money (which seems to be flying out the door way too fast between grocery shopping and Christmas shopping) but I don't worry about the process. All I can do is all I can do. That applies to working and not working. I can't make myself better. If I could, I would have done that 33 months ago. I can't make the government easier to deal with. I can just keep getting up everyday and doing the best I can.

I had a rough time over the weekend but yesterday and today the pain hasn't been as bad. I made stir-fry yesterday for dinner (since peppers were on sale at the grocery store) which involves more prep than most things I cook. I've been able to keep on top of the dishes and cat clean-up (although I've considered cutting back on their food to reduce the poop and puke - Stubby throws up at least once a day). I've slept pretty well the past two nights. Being able to prepare meals and clean up from meals without being miserable is something I don't take for granted. I've pretty much got the kid trained that dirty dishes bypass the sink and go immediately into the dishwasher. I run the dishwasher first thing in the morning and empty it before he gets up so that all the dishes he uses after I go to sleep can go right in the dishwasher. Just not having dishes in the sink does a lot for my sanity.

Little Kitty always stands on my Nook
Honestly, that's the key for me for this season of life, I think, just managing the things that I can and avoiding stressful situations. I can live under the "all I can do... " mantra when I truly have done what I can do. Some days I can't prepare meals or clean up. Some days I am in too much pain to really feel hunger and I have to just eat what I can to keep from getting nauseous from meds. Some days food is my only vice, the only real indulgence I have. I spend a lot of time playing Farmville2 because it gives me a way to measure success. It seems trite but it does help. I watch a lot of tv because it does help pass the time. I try to stay on some sort of routine - not because I have to or because it matters what time I get up or go to bed or fix dinner - it just makes life seem more structured and normal. I don't make apologies or excuses for what I can't do because it's not in my control.

And while I was typing all of this I just burned a batch of popcorn  of smelled up the house. So much for multi-tasking. That skill has left me.  I think I'll have a bowl of cereal instead.

Anyways... we're headed down toward freezing temps this week and I'm looking forward to it. We've brought out the warm woolies and the electric blanket and shifted our mentality from staying cool to staying warm. Austin still hasn't put his winter wardrobe back together so he ends up looking like this...

He would only let me take the picture from the back view.

I'm settled in for a night of PBS watching and then I'll tuck myself in to watch a few more episodes of Mad Men. I'm still in the first season. I think the little bit I pay to Netflix every month is money well spent!

That's about it for now. Happy Tuesday!