What I'm Watching With My Fella

I have a lot of down time... a lot of "don't feel well enough to do anything except rest" time and that means I watch a lot of tv. Since I hang out with my fella on his "weekend" we also do a lot of tv watching together. I'm not exactly the kind of girl that he can go roller blading or mountain climbing with... so tv watching is our jam.

He discovered (and I realized) that I have missed out on a LOT of movie standards that most people of our generation have seen. I can only say that I have been single for most of my adult life and have been too busy raising kids and working to watch a lot of movies. Marvin has made it his mission to educate me on those movies / tv shows that he thinks I should have seen. Here are a few that we have watched together and my thoughts on them:

• Silence of the Lambs  - glad to finally understand the references to this movie and there are SO MANY. It was suspenseful and interesting... but not my favorite movie ever, for sure.
• Sling Blade  - worth watching just for the amazing voice that Billy Bob Thornton gives to his character. So many great, great lines in this movie! 
• Pulp Fiction - not my favorite. I found it really confusing and Marvin had to sort of reconstruct it to help me understand. I would be embarrassed that I needed help but it's like all the times that my niece Jamie has had to explain Disney movies to me. Sometimes I just don't get it.
• Shawshank Redemption - I love a movie that gives you closure. I felt like this was such a great story and I loved the ending.
• About Time - this one had us both in tears, like, a pile of kleenexes stacked up between us tears. It's the sweetest story but I'm not going to give you the plot, I'm going to just say, go watch it! 
• Safety Not Guaranteed - it was a bit science fiction, a bit chick flick. It had a really sweet story line and I think you would like it. 

He has also introduced me to several television shows that he enjoyed and we have watched them together... or I have watched them and discussed them with him. Those include:

• Shameless (he was watching it in real time so I started at the beginning and binge watched until I caught up so we could watch new episodes together)
• The Wire - this is sort of a police drama but it's a good story line and the actors are really amazing. 
• Breaking Bad - Everyone knows what this one is about. I had sort of written it off but I'm glad I ended up watching it. It's one of those that makes you think. 
• Better Call Saul - It's the prequel to Breaking Bad. I'm not caught up to current on this show because it isn't up to date on Netflix yet and that's where I've watched it but so far, I think it's as good as, maybe better than Breaking Bad. 

We just recently finished watching a show set in Post-Katrina New Orleans, Treme. We love the show for a lot of reasons... it includes the music that he loves - sort of a jazz / blues / R&B / second line / funk genre- and artists that he loves and I have come to love like the guy we saw in concert on New Year's Eve, Tab Benoit (pronounced Ben-wah).  Treme delves into a lot of the New Orleans traditions such as Mardi Gras and the Mardi Gras Indians - I could do a whole post on my fascination with the Mardi Gras Indians. It includes a lot of footage of New Orleans food. Treme gives you more of an inside look on life in Post Katrina New Orleans and although it is fictionalized, a lot of what they show is based on true stories and things that did happen. It's been such an enjoyable show. We watched it on Amazon Prime Video, I'm not sure where else you might find it but if you're looking for something to binge watch, Treme is a good 'un.

We have also discovered / enjoyed a number of programs together... some of my favorites have been:

• Black Mirror (although, trust me, you need to watch this with someone because you're going to need to have a little debriefing, therapy, or discussion afterwards)
• Big Mouth - it's animated and I'm not a fan of anything animated but this show is about puberty and it is HILARIOUS. Very honest and a bit graphic so, maybe don't watch it with kids, at least not little ones. 

Marvin is a huge... HYUUUUUJJJJJJ!... music fan. He's worked in radio for a long time, although he is currently at a sports talk radio station, he has worked for music stations in the past which exposed him to a lot of music that you might otherwise miss. He loves such a wide spectrum of music and he loves introducing me to things that he enjoys. He fixed up an iPod for me with over 3,000 songs... and he even included some of my favorite musical theater for my listening pleasure! Sometimes we fall down this rabbit hole of watching music videos, usually on YouTube and although I don't always love the music he shows me, I love his passion for music. I love seeing things that excite him and hearing the stories behind the music and learning what makes it special for him.

Speaking of YouTube... Marvin made the switch from cable to YouTube TV last fall. YouTube TV offers most of the channels he had on cable for a fraction of the price. The only thing they didn't have was the MLB (major league baseball) channel, which my guy watches every night to fall asleep during baseball season. They finally added MLB network this Spring and he was all set! At my house we still have satellite tv but honestly, it is so rare for me to watch broadcast channels in real time. Mostly I watch Netflix or Amazon Prime or YouTube. On the odd occasion I watch broadcast tv, it's usually something I've recorded. I think I could easily live without satellite and I wonder how far away we are from doing away with that kind of programming altogether. It's as outdated as land-line phones now. Not an ad for YouTube TV but I think it's worth checking out if you're trying to spend a little less money on  your tv viewing.

I'm interested in knowing what you're watching... especially what you watch with your significant other. Leave a comment here or back on my Facebook post about this blog entry! Love and hugs, y'all!

Update on Cosette and Oliver

When I was a kid I thought of grandparents as the "little old lady" and "little old man" although, to be honest, I had one older grandma who was probably more traditional and one younger grandmother who is still living at the ripe, young age of 94. Now we live in an age where Granny is more likely to be called Mimi or Missy and ... things are just different.

My "babies" (as I still refer to them) are 3 and almost 3. Cosette just turned 3 on April 29 and Oliver will be 3 in July. I see Cosy a couple of times a week and I see Oliver once or twice a month. I talk to Oliver on Facetime once or twice a week so... we're in close contact, even if I don't see him as often as Cosette.

Because Cosette's parents have sort of a fluid, make it up as we go along, joint-ish custody arrangement, and because Cosette's dad lives here with me and doesn't yet drive, I have more responsibility for Cosette than I do for Oliver. I do a lot more actual parenting of Cosette where with Oliver I have more of a traditional Grandma relationship. Things with Cosette's mom are currently pretty good. We have had struggles in the past and when things are going well, I am relieved and appreciative and NEVER take it for granted. It's been a lot of emotional, frustrating work to get to this point. Cosy is shy and introverted and can be a bit more clingy than Oliver... who is a free spirit and (at least for me) rolls with the punches. Cosy though, is my girl. She loves watching me do my hair and makeup. She loves dresses and tights and hair bows (finally). She hangs out in the bathroom with me while I take my shower, watching videos on YouTube and chatting with me. We love to go to Dunkin Donuts and get "pink" donuts for her and coffee.

Cosy is still very attached to her pacifier, although we are trying to substitute chewing gum instead. She is no longer addicted to Frozen. Minnie Mouse is her ride or die chick now. She loves animals and flowers and her daddy. She is happiest when she's outside working with her dad in the yard. She is also a mommy's girl. If we've been gone for awhile she will ask to go to mommy's house (and whenever it's practical, I will take her home... I want her to feel that I support her relationship with both of her parents, they are both important). She is a girly girl who likes having her fingernails painted (by her dad, of course) and loves to watch me put on makeup and fix my hair. She loves anything pink or sparkly.

Potty training with Cosy has been... complicated. She goes through spells where she goes potty for me like a champ and other times she screams bloody murder if I try to sit her on the potty. I would say she is mostly in big girl undies when she's with me during the day but is one hundred percent in pullups at night and about 90% in pullups when we leave the house. She hates diapers and pullups and wants to wear "Minnie Mouse undies" all the time when she's with me but... she can be sketchy about cooperating going potty.

Despite the additional work involved with getting her to go potty... I absolutely love the time we spend together while she's on the potty. I have a little stool I sit on in front of her and we talk while we are waiting for something to happen. I have been taking her to the potty with me since she was a year and a half so... I'm used to her company in the bathroom. My latest trick with her is to suggest that she try to "toot" while she's on the potty. It seems to get her to relax more and engage the right muscles to get the teetee out too. And as my honey always says, "farts are just funny".

Oliver is ALL BOY! He is funny and likes to make people laugh. He loves sports (just like his dad) and Mickey Mouse and superheroes. He loves the Toy Story characters, Buzz Lightyear and Woody. He will say, "to uh-finity and beyond!" like Buzz does. He likes to run and climb and has never met a stranger. He sometimes gives his mom a hard time and he cries when it's time to leave my house (which breaks my heart). He has infinite patience for Cosy who can tend to have a harder time sharing toys (because she's used to being alone with me) and who doesn't like hugs (the whole introvert thing). He has the most gorgeous, long curly hair that his parents haven't been able to bear cutting. One day, eventually. Right now it's sort of his trademark although I do with him the same thing I do with Cosy which is, immediately pull it back out of his face so that he can play without hair in his eyes. He is started to go potty... they use a combination of English and Spanish with him so instead of "undies" like Cosy wears, he wears "chonies". He will also tell you body parts in Spanish and English and sometimes instead of "I love you" he says, "Te amo" which... melts MY HEART!

I knew that I would love being a grandmother but I was completely unprepared for how intensely I would love these tiny humans. I can not imagine a world where I don't see them as often or where I might not get to talk to them as much. They are my people... my reward for putting up with their dads... and they bring so much joy into my life. It breaks my heart that they will probably not remember my mom because she loved them so very much and every milestone with them is bittersweet because she's not here to share it. I just try to love them like she would and I just hope I'm even half the grandma that she was.

Tell me about your grandkids (if you have them)... your favorite things to do together and your experiences with potty training! Love and hugs, y'all!

Reasons To Love Monday

I have a headache. That's the only thing I can think of to say this morning. I'm out of advil and I have a headache that is not yet a migraine but it has migraine potential. That being said... there are still reasons to love today and I'm going to dig deep to find a few to share...

1. Austin brought me a vase of roses cut from the yard this morning. My mom's roses seem to be even more beautiful than ever this year and it's a lovely legacy of her. Having a little vase of them in my room is precious and what a great way to start the day! And seriously... how thoughtful of Austin?

2. Other than the Austin transportation responsibilities today, I have absolutely zero/nada/nothing on my agenda today. That was sort of what yesterday was like, too and I don't feel the least bit guilty for it. I had to get over the guilt about the amount of rest my body needs a long time ago. I need more rest because I live with more pain... it's that simple. I am going to bask in the luxury of it today.

3. I freaking love my Amazon Firestick. It is, without a doubt, the best purchase I've made all year. Once the smart part quit working on my tv, I had to hook my laptop up to watch any of my internet based viewing... Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc. To be able to just chill in my nest and watch whatever I want by clicking my little remote... well, I feel like the Queen of Sheba. Wherever Sheba is.

4. We are only five days away from the Royal Wedding! You may remember that I took the day off when Prince William married Kate. I'm THAT into the whole Royal Wedding extravaganza. It's like I told my guy last night... it would be like... if the World Series only happened maybe 4 times in your whole lifetime. How many Royal Weddings do we get to see in our lives? SOOOOO few! I'm going to soak it all up and not be the least bit embarrassed that I'm an American who is nowhere near royalty and this wedding has zero to do with my life. I just love the pageantry and majesty of it all. And what an amazing fairy tale - an American woman marries a Prince... could it get any better?

5. Tomorrow I get to see two of my favorite people in the world - Cosy and Marvin! So today when it's just me and the cat and the dog all day... I know that I can look forward to lots of cuddles and kisses tomorrow! And Cosy might hug me too.... *wink*

6. There's another Mother's Day gift coming from Cody and Marquee and Oliver. One came on Saturday but would you believe a spider got into the box... and when I opened the package that durn spider liked to scare me to death! Cody promises that he did not order the spider. Teehee. And part two is on the way today or tomorrow.

7. I did laundry yesterday - or rather Austin did my laundry yesterday - so I don't have to bother with that today or tomorrow. I've got plenty of clean clothes to last me for a week or so.

8. Austin watched The Greatest Showman this past week and loves it so we are enjoying listening to it in the car. My sweetie fixed up an iPod for me with lots of stuff I love... including The Greatest Showman... so Austin and I had a blast blasting it on his way to work this morning.

All in all, despite the headache and a few aches and pains... this Monday is not such a bad deal. I think I might be able to love it....

Let me know why you're loving Monday this week! Love and hugs, y'all!

My Weekly Schedule -

It's been a long time since I've talked about what I do with my time. As you probably know, I've been on Disability since May of 2013. I haven't worked in FIVE YEARS! It took a bit longer to get Social Security Disability approved but even that has been nearly three years. Actually, it's time for Social Security to review my case... but I got a notice recently that they were not going to review me at this time. They're satisfied, I guess, that I'm still unable to work and I think that's a fair assessment. It would be impossible for me to consistently go to a job several times a week. My back pain is worse than it was when I was approved and my migraines are much more frequent. I would be a lousy employee. 

I DO stay busy in my own way which is... mentally active but physically I have to be very careful if I want to be able to keep my pain manageable. I generally find if I have a busy day then the next day or two I'm going to feel pretty lousy. Austin still doesn't drive (anyone want to teach him? Please? It's so hard for me!) so I am still responsible for his transportation to work... I am still responsible for picking Cosy up and taking her home when we have her most of the time, although Tasha's parents have been good to get her back and forth when I'm not at home. 

A normal week usually looks like this for me...

• Monday - take Austin to work, pick Austin up from work... take him to the bank if it's payday but otherwise it's usually a quiet day for me. I watch a lot of stuff on Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc. I play games on my phone. I love watching Instagram stories. I watch stuff on YouTube. I study my Italian... those things are true for most days when I'm home... and true in smaller amounts when I'm at my sweetie's house. 
• Tuesday - pick Cosy up whenever she wakes up, run errands like grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, get gas, do laundry, take Cosy home... pack and then go to Marvin's house in time for his softball game. I refer to Tuesday as date night although I'm there longer than just Tuesday night. For dinner we usually will go to Twisted Taco either by ourselves or with his softball buddies. Tuesday is a long day for me and I'm usually wiped out by the time softball is over. Sometimes we will watch tv together after softball but most of the time I'm just ready to go to sleep so he watches sports while I fall asleep.  
• Wednesday - Marvin and I usually sleep as late as we can and then watch a lot of tv. We go out for lunch and sometimes do a little shopping then come back and review his questions for trivia that night. I always love going over the trivia questions with him... I'm really, really bad at it so it's more fun for me if I ask him the questions but it's faster for him to ask me (or just read over them) so he can get them in the order he wants to ask them. If there's time we will watch tv or sometimes we just play on our phones or listen to music until time for him to leave for work. Once he leaves I commence spa night and soak in the tub / do face masks / shave my legs... all the girly maintenance stuff that I don't manage to do when I shower at home because Cosy usually hangs out in the bathroom with me while I shower. On Wednesday nights he gets home fairly early so we will usually watch an episode or two of whatever series we're binging on at the time. It's a late night for me but I will have slept late that morning and I will sleep late the next morning so it's ok. 
• Thursday - is another day to sleep in unless we have chores / errands to run / things to do / people to see. Depending on what he's got on his agenda we might go out for lunch or sometimes we cook at home. I usually go home mid/late afternoon. It makes me a little sad to go home BUT... I'm always happy to be at home, if that makes sense. I could probably do a whole blog post on this. I love being away from home for a little bit every week. It's good to have a break from the responsibilities, it's a healthy thing for me mentally to not be at home ALL the time, especially since I don't work. But I love my nest. I love my own space. I love not being underfoot at Marvin's and not having to be dependent on him to entertain me all the time... which wouldn't work at all be because he works SO much! I love being around for my dad and the needy little dog. I love being close enough to Cosy to see her often. Home is good. What we're doing works for us at this point... so on Thursday I go home. Not gonna lie... sometimes I'm a little tearful on the way home... but just because I know it's going to be several days until I see him again. 
• Friday - I take Austin to work and pick him up from work. Friday looks a lot like Monday but I'm usually a bit more ragged on Friday and less likely to do anything beyond taking Austin back and forth. Sometimes I'll pick up groceries or run little errands here and there but mostly... I rest up from the activity of the past few days. 
• Saturday - Often on Saturday I will pick Cosy up when she wakes up and let her spend the morning with me, especially if it's a Saturday that Oliver is coming up, which happens about once a month. Cosy HATES that we take her dad to work on Saturday. She gets really depressed when he gets out of the car because she LOVES her daddy. I try to cheer her up by doing something special for just the two of us like going to get donuts or playing in Nana's makeup... going to Starbucks... whatever. The main thing is that I like having a couple of hours where it's just Nana and Cosy... or where it's Nana and Cosy and Oliver. These are important relationships for her and also... she lives with her other grandparents and they need a break every now and then. She is really cooperative with me but still... between in and out of the car seat, on and off the potty, etc, it's rough on my back so I don't usually keep her much past lunch time. Sometimes on Saturday if my dad isn't golfing he will pick Austin up from work so whenever Cosy goes home, I can rest. 
• Sunday - is a true day of rest for me. Friday night, Saturdays and Sundays I talk to Marvin on the phone several times a day. Monday / Tuesday / Friday during the day he's at the radio station and we can't really talk. When he's doing trivia we obviously can't really talk, although I do usually talk to him on his way to trivia every night. But when he's delivering pizza... we talk A LOT. I'm usually watching tv / playing games and talking with him on the phone like we're a couple of teenagers. Sometimes Cosy with us on Sunday since Austin is off but usually he has her Tuesday / Thursday and likes to have Sunday to do chores around the house. Most Sundays for me are lay in bed / talk on the phone days. 

And then I go to bed and wake up and do it all again the next week. Every week isn't absolutely identical but I'm a creature of habit and do tend to live life in the same rhythm every week. There are doctors appointments and various other things that happen along the way but for the most part, this is my week. I sleep later now than I used to... most days I'm asleep until 7am. I generally am getting ready to go to sleep around 9pm. I play this online trivia game - HQ - on the phone with Marvin and then I usually am ready to go to sleep when it ends, around 9:15. It may take me a half hour to wind down but it's rare that I'm not asleep by ten. Would my life bore you to tears? I feel like I'm always mentally busy, even juggling several things at once but I rest an awful lot. If you have any questions about what I do... how things are going in my life, feel free to ask... 

Hope you had a good Mother's Day. Mine was exactly what I wanted - quiet. I heard from all my kids but I didn't really "celebrate" so to speak. It's what I needed. Anyways... thanks for reading... love and hugs! 

What I Ate Wednesday

When I began to consider blogging again, I tried to think of topics that would be interesting for my blog readers to see. I think my life can be pretty boring - or, at least I think other people would find my life boring. I AM NEVER BORED! I can always find ways to pass the time.... watching tv, Facebook, Instagram (I am addicted to Insta-stories!), working on my Italian. Yes, I'm still trying to learn Italian. I am still really bad at it but I keep trying.

At any rate... one topic that I thought might be fun to share with you is what I eat in a day. I wouldn't want to record what I eat EVERY day because then you will see how completely redundant my diet is, especially while in the midst of this dental work (see previous post here if you want to know what's going on in my mouth).  So I decided to pick one day a week to share with you what I've eaten in that one day. Since I typically spend Tuesday night through Thursday with my fella, Wednesday is probably the most diverse day of the week food wise for me.

I am not sure what day of the week I will post my "What I Ate" post because I like doing the Throw Back Thursday to look at old blog posts from that day in "history" or in my case, "HERstory". (lame joke, I know.) I can do the Throwback Thursday in advance so that I'm not ignoring my honey for the sake of the blog during the short time we have together. It worked out well for me this week to do sort of a free style, "what's on my mind" post for Friday, so I'm telling you what I ate Wednesday on... Saturday. It might be that way in the future or... who knows. We'll just see what happens. Ultimately... I could just call it, "What I Eat In A Day" but that's just too vague for me... and untrue because Wednesday is not typical for me.

Longest introduction ever. I hope my former teachers who read my blog (and anyone who cares about things like grammar and punctuation and appropriate paragraph structure) will forgive me for rambling. I've been battling a migraine most of the day and I'm feeling a little bit out of sync but I thought this would be an easy blog post to put together since I'm just listing food. I didn't take into consideration the thousand word disclaimer I would impose on myself first. *eyeroll*

Do you want to know what I ate Wednesday? Here's the story:

We slept in a little on Wednesday (since it's his "weekend" and we had a late ball game the night before) so we ate breakfast around 10am. I am absolutely addicted to the chobani flip yogurts... greek yogurt with add-ins. My favorite is almond coco-loco... a coconut yogurt with dark chocolate pieces and sliced almonds to mix in. For me... if a little is good, a lot is better so I add in additional chips (right now I'm using salted caramel morsels but I also have used semi-sweet chocolate chips) and additional sliced almonds. I make it a really chunky yogurt so it's filling. On Wednesday I also ate a tangerine and had one of those Bolthouse Fruit Smoothies that has around 3 servings of fruit per container. I drink one or two of those smoothies a day because my fresh fruit and veg servings are almost nil most of the time. I also sipped on powerade all day, I usually have one or two powerades a day but don't drink near enough water. I've got to work on that.

(by the way... if anyone is interested in what HE ate Wednesday, he had a bowl of super sugar crisp cereal for breakfast)

For lunch we went to a little local Mexican place near his house. We had the usual chips and salsa - because you must. Their lunch special was the carne asada - grilled steak, onions and peppers that they served with flour tortillas, guacamole, sour cream, pico di gallo, etc. It also came with Mexican rice and refried beans. We both went for the special and it was really, really good! To drink we had the house wine of the south... sweet tea!

He works on Wednesday night - I know I call it his "weekend" because he doesn't work during the day but he hosts a trivia show at night on Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. I use Wednesday nights while he is at work as my spa night... I take a long bath while watching stuff on my phone... I do a face mask and shave my legs and basically just enjoy a little time to myself. Dinner for him is always something from the restaurant where he does trivia... Wednesday night is Mexican and last week, if I remember correctly, he had zuppa di pollo... which, is basically chicken soup. I may have used the Italian for that and not the Spanish... but you get the point. He said it was really good and since then I have been wanting some chicken soup with fresh avocado and tons of cilantro and all that. Wednesday night - back at the "spa" I had leftover shrimp fried rice from our favorite Chinese place near his house. The shrimp fried rice was my dinner Tuesday night... they give us so much that I can make 2 or 3 meals out of it easily. The food is above par for strip mall Chinese and they are really sweet there. I forget the name of the place... it used to be Lucky Seven (or maybe Golden Seven or Happy Seven... can't remember) but they recently changed their name so now I have no idea what it is. After dinner Wednesday I also had another chobani flip yogurt because... I'm really addicted. He brought home Little Debbie Nutty Bars for a treat that night and they were so good! We usually have a little something-something sweet before bed, either chocolate or ice cream or... just a few bites of something to hold us over until morning, especially when we're going to be sleeping in the next morning... which we definitely did!

And that is what WE ate Wednesday for this past week. Let me know how well you do with getting in your fruit and vegetable servings because it is SO HARD for me! We want to cook at home more in order to eat healthier and cheaper but I love going out and having a nice meal and conversation together. I also just really hate to cook / clean up. I don't have much of an appetite so when I find something I like that is easy, I get into a rut with it. I would love to hear your fast/cheap/easy/healthy meal ideas! Thanks for stopping by, Love and hugs, y'all!

Mother's Day and Other Things

I hope you have enjoyed my return to blogging. For so long it was just too hard to stop and put thoughts together in any kind of articulate flow. I've always just blogged off the top of my head, whatever I was thinking and that became difficult for so many reasons. I'm finding it helpful to use a few writing prompts like... Reasons To Love Monday... and Throwback Thursday but I know that ultimately, who I am as a blogger is the girl who just types out a stream of consciousness for the world to see. I thought I might give that method a shot today.

The past nine months have been a very weird mix of highs and lows for me. Highs, from the standpoint of being in a loving relationship for the first time in a long time and honestly, being in a relationship where I can be myself for the first time ever. It's an amazing gift and it's made the lows not so low for me. I miss my mom so much. We always had a complicated relationship but she was the one person in the world who I could always turn to and losing that... leaves me emptier than I ever dreamed possible.

I'm finding myself processing grief in a whole different way as Mother's Day approaches. I feel the same sort of frustration toward the holiday as I did toward Valentines Day for all those years as a single woman. Despite the fact that I am a mother, I don't feel the same connection to Mother's Day that I have for the first 49 years of my life. I'm as disconnected from Mother's Day as I am to Ramadan. Or Passover. It's just not for me. And it's the first time I've ever been angry about a holiday. We got through Thanksgiving and Christmas just fine but this one... it's killing me. It's a manufactured, random consumer holiday that seems really unnecessary to me at the moment.

My fella and I have been lucky enough to have each other to get through the rough spots of grieving. Planning the trip to New Orleans for New Year's really got me through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Any time the holidays were just too sad to face, I could focus on the excitement of the upcoming trip. Last week he faced his son's birthday - the first one since Nick has been gone. It's also my brother David's birthday so it's a day of grieving in my heart too, as my brother is completely estranged from our family. A grown brother making a choice to abandon his family is completely different from a nine year old son who dies tragically... I don't mean to compare, just to say that it's a hard day for me, too. While Marvin and I are deeply tenderhearted toward each other's pain, we do tend to grieve separately. There have been only a handful of times that we have cried together, it generally is a matter of mentioning the storm once it has passed. It's like... "I had a hard day..." and then we move on to whatever thing is coming up next for us or we share a laugh over an inside joke or share a song that means something special... we just move on.

Last night though, he called as he was driving to work and he caught me in the middle of a really tearful moment, almost to the point of not being able to speak. I blew my nose and told him to keep talking because I wanted to move on from the emotion. It's ok to feel... I just don't want to linger in those moments too long because it's too easy to let it overcome you. I want to keep moving forward and reaching toward happier days ahead.

I have a precious, dear friend who is recovering from a really sad time in her own life. She attempted suicide and came dangerously close to succeeding. As I've talked with her as she recovers, I keep reminding her that there are so many days ahead that she's going to be glad she's alive to see. That's the thing... you have to keep putting yourself in the path of life, giving yourself opportunities for joy and happiness and ... living... even when you're not sure how you could possibly be happy again. Every single day with my grandkids makes me grateful that I managed to stick around. It's worth every sad day I ever had to live through. And Marvin too... every adventure with him makes me glad that I found the strength to take a chance on love again.

I feel so lucky that Marvin came into my life again the day before my mom died. I hate the reason he came into my life again, (to let me know his son had died) but to have that something else - someone else to focus on in the darkest season of life was literally the light at the end of the tunnel for me. And while it's sometimes tricky to navigate the emotions of a romantic relationship (especially with as much baggage as I have) in the midst of the deep, brand new emotions of grief that we are both walking through, it's been such a beautiful gift for me. His own grief is raw enough that he doesn't think I'm nuts for breaking down to snotty tears on a random Thursday. It also helps that his grief and my grief are not for the same person... I can grieve my mama without dragging him down. He's sad for me because he cares about me... just as I'm sad for him when Nick is heavy on his heart. But it has given me a safe place to feel whatever I'm feeling... and I'm grateful.

I had a hard time deciding to return to blogging because of the depth of my feelings, good and bad. I wanted to be in a healthy and happy enough place that every blog entry wasn't gloom and despair... nobody wants to read that. And I wanted to have a good enough handle on my feelings for my fella to be able to talk about him without feeling like I'm oversharing... and without making him uncomfortable. It took me a good long while to be able to even tell HIM how I felt about him, much less share it with the internet! Relationships are so much more complicated when you're older. They're more complicated when you're recovering from a loss. Obviously, he could never take the place of my mom... and although I bring a lot of family to the table, nobody is ever going to replace Nick for him. When people would ask me about our relationship, I would always just say, "we're having a lot of fun together"... because although it is a generic answer, it's the foundation of who we are together. I mentioned that to him the other night... and he very sweetly responded, "but it's so much more than that..." and my heart melted. Of course it is... so much more than fun.

I spent so long protecting myself from feeling anything and for awhile, empty felt good. I loved where it was safe to love, my grandbabies and my family... and there are definitely times I feel vulnerable for allowing myself to care about a guy... loving has cost me a lot in the past. If this ended tomorrow, I would be devastated, there is no doubt, but I would still be grateful for the strength he has given me over the past nine months. Sure, I could have done it without him but I'm glad I didn't have to.

Whew. I'm exhausted from sharing all of these emotions. I'll leave it here for now. I'm not sure if I'm going to post over the weekend but I like the idea of blogging every day. It's easier if it's a part of my every day routine. Thanks for stopping by and letting me get all this out. Love and hugs, y'all!

Throw Back Thursday - Blog Entries from May 10th

Just a quick post as I'm hanging with my fella today...

Thought it might be fun to peek back in time two years ago when I was recuperating from hosting Cosette's first birthday party... You can click here to read the post

Also... another fun flashback was this day in 2015 when I did a baby clothes haul... Click here for all the cute stuff

I always set links up to open a new window for you, in case you're afraid you might lose your place here.

I had to go all the way back to 2011 to find another entry for this day in history. It's one of those "stream of consciousness" blogs that may seem irrelevant now but... that's part of the fun of looking back, right? Newsday Tuesday 5/10/2011

And believe it or not... that's all in the blog history for May the tenth! Hope you enjoyed our look back. Is there anything special about this day for you?