Happy Friday, friends and family!
I see we've made it through another week... although I truly can't tell one day from another other than judging what time Pop goes to play golf (morning = weekend, late afternoon = weekday).
My newly officially disabled self and my newly retired mom are mostly just caretakers of the zoo and rarely do anything worthy of makeup... although I have been trying to at least not stay in pajamas all day long.
I'm mostly dependent on screen time for entertainment and fall a little more in love with my tv, computer and nook every day. I'm particularly enjoying www.bookbub.com so that I can download my free books. I got a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble for Mothers Day but I haven't made a purchase yet. Nor have I actually read a book on my nook. I've mostly just used it to play sudoku.
I also got a really lovely potted flowering plant which, fortunately, my mom knows how to care for. The green thumb skipped a generation... and although my parents are excellent at growing things in the dirt... and my eldest has a major gardening project underway for this Summer... I can barely keep dirt alive.
The roses are in bloom here and I will take photos before they die off, I promise. My mom has made a hobby of filling my teapots with cut roses and it's really lovely and brightens up my room quite a bit. I have a collection of teapots and teacups and saucers. I might not have mentioned this. It's one of those things that I assume everyone knows about me.
It's been a rather boring week and the pain has gotten worse, despite not working (or doing anything much, really.)
Occasionally, just for a jolt of adrenaline, I play, "how long will it take to start getting disability?" and balance that out with a fun game of "how long until I run out of money?". And then I sigh and realize that I have very little control over either.
Cody and Marquee left for Disney World yesterday and I am super jealous. Realistically, there is no way I could manage a trip to a theme park. Heck, I could barely stand the pain of walking through Dollar General to pick up red hots this morning. I just so wish I had the resources of money, time, energy to do fun things like Disney. Or going out to eat. Or anything.
Consequently, we have Sammy duty for the weekend which feels like any other day because Sammy stays with us when his Mommy and Daddy are at work or school or the store or out to eat or whatever. I brought Sammy's bed in my room but he wanted to sleep with Mawmaw and Oscar on the couch instead. It's a good thing that Cody and Marquee's latest doggie adoption fell though because frankly, I don't think my mom could fit another animal on the couch with her.
On Monday my mom and I are headed to the mountain house for an undecided amount of time. Neither of us has any obligation to be at the house in Riverdale other than ... nope. I can't think of anything. There is that one shipment I'm expecting from zulily but other than that... free as a bird.
The only real conflict for me, the only thing that keeps me from being at the mountain house full time is that my nest is in Riverdale... tv, recliner, etc. And the fact that it works best for me to be where mom and dad are because I can't do much in the way of keeping house and running errands. Mom misses Pop when they're apart and Pop has another seven months before he retires and has quite a few obligations at church. So I'm just sort of doing what Mom does and trying not to worry or stress over anything long term. I'm trying to let this just be a sabbatical season.
The flip side of the coin is that while I'm sort of in limbo, my youngest is sort of in limbo and I very much need to be where he is so that I can help him get where he needs to be both literally and figuratively. He needs to learn to drive, get his license, get a job, get some kind of education or job training. Many, many things that I need to help him do, buying groceries, for instance, don't get done while I'm a hundred miles away from him. Fortunately Pop was able to go up and help him out this week and Mom and I will be up as needed in the foreseeable future so hopefully we won't have another "my kid is starving to death" crisis.
I've gotta say.... we had a huge dinner Sunday night that my eldest put together... it was incredible, he's an amazing cook. And then eldest and middle and daughter in law bought me a totally scrumptious chocolate cream pie + whipped cream and I could barely eat a bite of any of it - dinner or dessert, choked by guilt that my other child was hungry. Yes, it was his fault in that he did a poor job of managing his resources and refused assistance last Friday when Pop offered to come up. It's that tough love thing... mothers are never good at watching their kids face the consequences for their actions.
Anyways... he has food now and I've been back to my usual "I know better" diet of Little Debbies and red hots and pretty much 90% sugar.
So this is all the fun that is happening in my life right now. Hope yours has been more/better.
Love and hugs, y'all.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Happy Friday, friends and family!
Posted by Heather at 2:30 PM
Monday, May 13, 2013
Today is my first Monday of my "retirement".
Although we know the road ahead to a confirmed, legitimate, compensated disability is a long and winding one...
For the first time in a very long time, I'm waking up to a Monday that doesn't include work or the need to find work.
I'm not really sure how to process it, how to be someone who doesn't work or raise kids or do something, somewhere.
But that's who I am now.
I feel a little bit guilty for not being able to hang on longer
And I feel a little bit of pride for fighting the fight as long as I could.
I believe that the first day of the week is Sunday, at least that's how it should be.
Yet we all feel like things reset on Monday... and we all feel the weight of a long week ahead on Monday.
Well. Not me. Not any more.
Despite being reduced to zero income, I feel incredibly at peace.
Peace that comes from trusting in a Heavenly Father who has never let me fail...
And an earthly father who does the same.
And a mama who, despite her own pain, always does what she can to help me manage mine.
So... with all of that said... with so many of you heading to the office or taking care of the responsibility of a home and children... and for those of you who do all of that and much, much more, let's find a few Reasons to Love Monday!
1. I'm not sleeping well - 3 or 4 hours a night at most - but at least, if I'm sleepy, I can grab a nap during the day.
2. We had a really social and a more-stressful-than-it-should have been Sunday. We have declared today to be Pajama Monday.. the hair is already in a ponytail and I'm ready to lounge. (continue lounging, as the case would be).
3. For the first time in a long time my eldest was in the State of Georgia on Mother's Day. He had a business trip in Athens which is about an hour and a half away. He came and hung out and watched the Braves game (my two oldest boys are HUGE Braves fans!) and cooked this amazing dinner for us - blackened tilapia and linguine with garlic lemon butter sauce and tomatoes. It was SOOOO good!
4. The boys went to Walmart and picked up a chocolate creme pie and cool whip for dessert. I was too stuffed from dinner so I've got that still waiting for me!
5. Pop is going up to check on Austin after work. There is a lot of frustration/confusion/aggravation with the situation of him being up at the mountain house alone with no job, no car - and truly, no way to get to a job- and his questionable ability to manage the household on his own. On Friday he told Pop he had enough food to make it until their next trip to the mountains (the 18th of the month) and then by yesterday he said he was out of food. The truth is that he REALLY isn't mature enough to be self-sufficient. Up until a week ago even though he had not been under the same roof as me, he was at least living with others who were slightly more experienced at managing things. So... being a mom - a mom who doesn't have a durn thing to do but also who is struggling with mobility - I sent out a call for help which resulted in an accident and a lot of frustration which made me feel really guilty that my child was causing stress and frustration and guilty that I had not been able to sufficiently prepare him for adulthood or motivate him to do what he should do. I feel so guilty that like, literally, there is property damage from someone trying to take care of my kid which, of course, as a mother feels like it should be my responsibility and mine only. So instead of golfing today, Pop is checking on Austin and making sure he's set until Saturday when Pop and Mawmaw will be up there for the homeowner's association work day... and from then until next Monday when we plan to head to the mountain house for an extended period of time and hopefully get that kid to work.
6. Now that Marquee is out of school for the summer and doesn't need a ride... and mom is retired... and I'm no longer working... we have all the freedom in the world to be here or the mountain house or wherever, as needed. I love that sense of freedom. I wish I felt like doing something.
7. It's Monday which means that the CSPAN series on First Ladies is on tonight. I think there's also a new episode of How I Met Your Mother. It's a great day to be a couch potato!
8. My brother came by to visit on Saturday and I managed to sit in a normal chair for almost an hour and visit with him.
9. My sister-in-law is starting a new job this week and I am so proud of her!
10. Cody and Marquee are leaving for Disney on Thursday. They are celebrating her college graduation (even though she has one more semester) and her parents' 25th anniversary and her grandparents' 50th anniversary and Cody's big promotion at work.
11. Marquee made the Deans List again - all A's!
Little Kitty is laying somewhere between the arm of the chair and my left hip and the side of the laptop and keeps adding random characters to my blog entry so I guess it's best for me to wrap this up and ... do nothing.
And so friends... whether you're working or resting... here's hoping you're able to find a few Reasons to Love Monday! Love and hugs!
Posted by Heather at 8:40 AM
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Alert the media! I left the house today!
Actually, I just drove the half mile or so to the Krispy Kreme and bought doughnut holes and coffee for me and mom.
Pop made ham and cheese toast for us for breakfast but I really just wanted strong coffee and sugar.
I hope that doesn't make me seem ungrateful.
My Sunday morning KK run is pretty much the only consistent outing right now.
Would you believe that we filled my car up in Cleveland on April 6th and I'm still on that same tank of gas?
I have more than a quarter of a tank left.
To be truthful, we took another car on my last trip and I drove another car to work once.
Other than that... same tank, one month and six days.
I just renewed my pay-as-you-go phone aka my po' phone.
Every month I get a package that is unlimited texts and 240 talk minutes.
When I renewed today I had 228 minutes left for the month.
Yes, I talked on my cell phone 12 minutes this month.
But... I guess if you don't leave the house you always have a land line available.
I really just keep the cell phone for emergencies.
We don't use the landline at the mountain house much because we got the cheapest possible plan on it.
Which means that we pay by the minute on it but don't pay for incoming calls or 9-1-1.
We were sad to find out that a former neighbor passed away on Friday at age 64.
They lived first in the house facing Valley Hill Road, the smaller one.
And then moved to the one next door on the corner of Valley Hill and Sherwood Dr.
When we were kids we would get to their first house by climbing fences and going through the neighbor's yard.
Then when they moved to the corner house we just walked up the street.
You could do those kind of things back then.
Neighbors didn't mind if you went through their yard.
You didn't have to worry about walking to your friend's house.
Those houses have been vacant for years, fences torn down, weeds taking over the yards.
I grew up in a modest little neighborhood of brick ranch houses, most with three bedrooms and one bath.
Moms didn't work. Most families only had one car.
It was a simple life and some times I wished to have a two story house and my own bathroom and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and things that a lot of kids at school had.
I didn't realize then how blessed I was to have two parents who loved each other and dinner at the kitchen table every night.
I was 8 when we moved here.
Anyways... Jeff and Shannon lost their dad on Friday and they buried him on Saturday.
My brother Jim drove down to go to the funeral.
He's good like that.
I usually avoid all activities that require sitting for an unknown quantity of time but I try to attend funerals and weddings and holidays as much as possible.
I missed this one, though.
I've been in so much pain lately that even funerals and weddings and holidays are not doable.
My brother has back pain, too, and ironically has that same extra vertebra that I have.
None of my doctors has been able to say if that's the reason that my back problems started so young and progressed so quickly.
None can say if any of this has a genetic component.
Bubba has never been obese or pregnant and has always stayed relatively active so I imagine his spine hasn't faced as much adversity as mine has.
He's also very tall, taller than me by more than a foot.
It has been said that the kids who grew up around here were exposed to jet fuel being dumped on the way to the Atlanta Airport, which is just a few miles from here.
There seems to be an unusual amount of my classmates who have had cancer or auto-immune problems.
My mom says that she wants to see if she has that extra vertebra, too but then if she does I could blame my back problems on her, assuming that it's genetic.
I told her that I was going to blame her anyways.
Mother's Day makes me both nostalgic and grateful.
My mom and I didn't always have a good relationship.
Fighting the same battle with pain drew us closer and I'm so glad to spend every day with her.
Now that I don't have a work schedule to consider, I could be at the mountain house full time.
But I depend on my mom for things and she depends on me.
We each have bad days (and nights) occasionally.
I'm not physically able to maintain a household on my own any more.
She's uncomfortable driving sometimes.
So for now, I'm pretty much staying close to mom.
However, Austin is now out of food at the mountain house so somebody is going to have to go up there and take him some food.
Just trying to figure out what makes the most sense and factor in mom's root canal on Wednesday (where she may need someone to help with the dogs because there are thirty-eleven trips to let them in and out every day)...
And someone needs to be here to dogsit Sammy when Cody and Marquee go to Disney Thursday - ???.
And I can't drive up and back on two days back to back because of my back.
And on Saturday it's "Dam Day" for the homeowners association where we (as in other people, not me) do cleanup and repairs for the dam that makes the lake that we (as in my parents and other people) own.
So I pretty much would have to leave today to go up there and be back early Wednesday...
And then turn around and go back up there for Dam Day or be here with four dogs so mom and dad can go to Dam Day.
But almost definitely I want to be up there more.
We (as in my parents) have lived in the house on Sherwood Dr for 37 years but the mountains are home to me.
I feel like I would get out more if I were up there.
I don't know. It's too much to think about.
So y'all up there in White County, if you want to stop by the mountain house with a few packages of ramen, that would be awesome.
My eldest just called... he's actually in the State of Georgia today so he's going to be able to come see his mommy on Mother's Day!
I love it when things like that work out.
And if you look at my facebook page you will see that Cody says I'm the best mommy ever.
I probably am.
And that's what's happening today.
Love and hugs, y'all.
Posted by Heather at 12:41 PM
Thursday, May 9, 2013
After two years and four months of trying to tough it out... I have finally filed for disability.
Effective immediately I am on an extended - perhaps permanent - leave of absence.
I will fill in occasionally at the office if I'm able. All of my licenses and agreements will stay active.
But unless there is a marked improvement in my condition, I will not be working regularly.
I am using a disability attorney who was recommended to me by a former neighbor.
They file all the paperwork and represent me at any hearings.
They are very particular in which cases they take on and have a 97% success rate.
Their fee is 25% of my initial payout, which would be for the amount owed from the time I file to the time it's approved.
A maximum of $6,000.
It won't be that much, I'm sure, but even so, I feel the price is worth it.
If I'm not approved, I don't pay anything.
I feel fairly certain that this is the best way to go.
I am anxious but relieved.
As much as I have loved working in this agency, I have truly been suffering.
Suffering to the point of having extreme anxiety whenever I had to go into work.
Even when I was just working a very short time.
So I talked with my Office Manager today and she feels like this is best.
They have been so good to me... and really bolstered my self-confidence.
If I had never worked again after ... well, y'all know... I would have always lived with the feeling that I was a failure.
Having received such great validation and appreciation from them over these past nine months has restored my belief in my abilities.
It's so simple to extend compassion in a work environment.
No matter how little I was able to work, they always appreciated my efforts.
Being physically hampered doesn't mean that someone isn't trying.
So that's that.
I have enough money to take care of my doctor bills and medication and car insurance for a few months.
After that I'll be passing the hat.
I'm going to try to increase my blog traffic enough to be able to get some of the major ad deals.
For that they want to see that you have several hundred followers and x number of blog hits a month.
I'm not sure what x is equal to, have to research that further.
There are people who are making tens of thousands of dollars a month by blogging.
I don't ever see THAT happening but I would be happy to be able to cover my basic expenses.
I was thinking about what kind of blogger I am... so that I could plug into that community and increase my traffic.
Are there any empty nested/single/disabled/living with parents blog groups out there?
Are there people out there who are interested in this process?
What drives my blog traffic?
People who know me in real life?
People who have read my blog for so long that they have to know the rest of the story?
The same kind of people who slow down to see a car wreck?
Whatever the case, thanks for stopping by, for caring what happens to me.
I'll keep you posted.
Please say nice things but not too nice because I might get weepy.
I'm borderline weepy just from reaching this *milestone*.
It helps that I have known for two years that this was going to happen eventually.
So here we are.
Thanks for being here with me.
Love and hugs, y'all.
Posted by Heather at 12:40 PM
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Guess who hasn't been out of the house in a week?
That would be me.
I've worn a path between my converted garage bedroom to the back door to let animals in and out... to the kitchen for sustenance and indulgence... to the bathroom for... well, you know what that's for... and back to my little nest.
I'm not bored.
I've got one of those incredibly creative minds that always has something brewing.
Or, you could say that the voices in my head keep me entertained. *wink*
But actually, the furbabies and my mama are my constant companions.
Here are a few of my favorite things from the past week:
Lady the dog and Eddie the cat camouflage themselves in the brown shag carpet that has seen better days.
Eddie is not particularly sociable. Sometimes he plays troll and hisses at everyone who wants to go past him. Sometimes he comes up to me and lays his head on my shoulder.
Lady is old - about 13 years - and had a huge cyst taken off of her last Summer. She has another cyst coming up that we just noticed the other day. She is arthritic and moves slowly unless Pop announces that it's BISCUIT TIME and then she is Canine Flash. She can "sit" and if you ask for "paw" she shakes your hand. You don't ever start petting her unless you're ready for a long term commitment because she will keep pestering you to go on and on and on.
I'm also particularly enjoying little Debbie spring cakes. The tulip ones are my favorite.
I'm obsessing over the Jodi Arias trial.
I've started working on my genealogy research again after taking a few months off. I'm working on expanding to include aunts and uncles of my direct ancestors. It's slow but interesting and you can pick up a few extra bits and pieces of the family history - finding out that a widowed grandmother lived with her daughter - finding out what side of the Civil War your 3xgreat uncle served on. It's interesting.
I'm struggling with guilt about what I haven't been able to do lately but I'm trying to be logistical and not emotional about it. It's better for me to listen to my body and rest when I need to instead of trying to tough it out or push through pain.
I'm enjoying Tori Spelling's website. I know, I know... she's kinda cheesy or whatever... but she seems to be very hands on with her children and she is really creative about parties and decorating, etc.
So that's life. Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.
I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.
Love and hugs, y'all.
Posted by Heather at 11:21 AM
Monday, May 6, 2013
Good grief. It's Monday again. Working a small, tiny, precious few hours a week you would think that I would bounce out of bed Tigger style and be heading out the door whistling my way to work. Instead I drag myself out of bed... feeling the worst pain I've had EVER.. and the panic attack begins because I know that no matter what, those precious few hours are going to include me doing my best impression of Lucy in the Candy Factory trying to cram what I used to do in 20 hours into six hours... and those precious few hours are going to involve pain. I know that I will come home dragging my tail behind me. I know that even those precious few hours are going to hurt and it sucks big ole rotten eggs.
I had a friend named Norma when I was growing up... her family had defected from Cuba just in the nick of time... and their primary language at home was, of course, Spanish. She had an older brother named Adolph who I thought was dreamy... but she thought was a big ole meanie because he teased her constantly in the way that big brothers do (except mine... he truly never picked on me). One of the first Spanish phrases I ever learned was, "Adolphito chupos webos" (spelling?) which she told me means "Little Adoph sucks eggs" - he was a Jr.
So, to demonstrate my advanced language skills... I submit to you that Lunes chupos webos (Monday sucks eggs) . Although, maybe the joke was on me because google translate says that I should say "Lunes chupa los huevos". Either way. The eggs today are not scrambled or fried, they are sucked. Sucking. Whatever.
And since Lunes chupa los huevos, we have to find razones para amar Lunes.
1. Today is the birthday of one of my blog readers turned mother hen, Linda. She is many years older than me but still works full time, goes to the theatre, travels and does all kind of cool things. She gives great advice and she sends me great things in the mail. Much love, Linda!
2. I woke up on the right side of the dirt. Sometimes waking up is enough of a reward.
3. I love Monday today because I'm going to put my raggedy looking hair up in the neat and heavily sprayed down bun and consider myself styled because I don't care if I look like an old woman with a bun. Life is good when you don't care about the hair.
4. I have a cute new skirt that I bought at the thrift store last week for $2 that I have yet to wear. New clothes always make me happy, especially when there is no guilt over spending money that I don't have to spare.
5. I'm going to call and pay off my balance with the pain doctor today. It's a huge blessing to be able to pay my debts.
6. I haven't left the house since last Wednesday. It's good to get out every now and then.
7. I just realized I have a cute blouse that wouldn't go with the blue skirt but would be super cute with a long flowy black skirt.... and the blouse is new too, for a small price, super small, like a buck, I think. Either way... I'm happy to have expanded my wardrobe a bit.
8. I'm watching this very interesting series on CSPAN3 about the first ladies. This week, I think, is Julia Grant. I get very excited about this.
9. I also think there is a new episode of How I Met Your Mother this evening. Yes, I'm addicted to tv. You would be too if there wasn't much else you could become addicted to without pain... I mean, it's not like I can go hiking or spelunking or biking. TV and Computer it is!
10. Mama's making burritos for dinner. She's expanding her culinary skills after not cooking since her nest became empty.
Ok... my time is up... time to go put on my best thrift store outfit, slip my bare feet into shoes for the first time in days and put on a little makeup so I don't scare people.
Happy Monday folks!
Love and hugs!
Posted by Heather at 9:34 AM
Sunday, May 5, 2013
As I blog reader I get really bummed out when my favorite blog writers go for long stretches of time without updating. I mean, don't they know that I NEED to know what's going on with them?
So even though I'm slightly altered and have a loose personal guideline of not blogging under the influence of pharmaceuticals, I'm going to do my best to catch you up on the last week... because it would be really sad to go from Reasons to Love one week to another Reasons to Love the next week with nothing in between. That would be wrong.
My birthday was good. Another shoutout to my fabulous -best-place-I've-ever-worked where they had a homemade coconut cake for me. And the sweet lady who makes the cakes knew that I really, really, REALLY love her truffles that she makes so she made me a batch of them too!
Mama (who rarely cooks but is cooking more now that she's retired) made me a carrot cake frosted with that new Cool Whip Cream Cheese frosting which is... soooo yum!
We had take out Thai food from Flavors of Thailand in Jonesboro. It's in a part of town that has seen a bit of a decline... right in between the Oriental Spa where they do more than just give massages and the Flea Market where some of the items are ill-gotten. I had an order of pad kee mow and basil rolls - and there was so much food that I made six meals out of it. Six.
I love eating out. Truly. My biggest weight issue my whole life has been how much I love dining out... sitting across from friends or family members enjoying stuff that I wouldn't want to go to the trouble to make at home. And now... I just can't enjoy myself for the discomfort that comes from sitting, even if it's a padded chair. It's the angle that kills me. I've got another birthday dinner planned with Bubba and Angie and I think I'm gonna ask for grilled burgers instead.
I've been working on finding seating that could be somewhat portable and comfortable enough that I could carry it with me so that I could rejoin the world outside of my garage bedroom. So far I'm thinking that one of those soccer mom chairs - you know, the kind that are good for sports watching or camping. My requirements are that it have a wider than usual base so that I'm not wall-to-wall in it... it needs to have a weight limit of 300lbs (not because I weigh that much but it seems like they either come with a limit of 225 or 300 and I'm closer than I'd like to admit to exceeding that lower limit and I can't risk ripping through or not getting adequate support). Most of them have enough of a "give" that I can get into a comfy angle. The best one I've seen was a reasonable price and looked to have the dimensions that I want but the carrying weight was 16 pounds which means that I couldn't carry it. The good ones are running around $50 which is a lot but if it will allow me to participate in the 3-dimensional world, it would be money well spent.
In addition, I think I'd like to find a cushy seat to try using, although, again, it's more about the angle than how hard the surface is. A bad angle plus hard surface is pure misery. Bad angle + cAushion = bearable for a minimal time period.
Of course when you have weeks like this past one where the barometric pressure is off the charts and my arthritis hurts no matter what position or surface involved. The criteria at that point becomes how much medication can I take and still function.
And then there are mornings like I had this morning where I lost my footing in the shower and although I didn't fall to the ground, I slid and jerked abruptly trying to regain my balance and have only been able to not turn purple from pain is because my doctor was kind enough to load me up with enough percocets to kill a horse. (Please note that I did not consume more than the prescribed amount. I've kept it at the legal limit but I've watched the clock carefully for when I can take the next dose, not that I need the clock to know. I've just had enough to take the edge off and keep me out of the E.R. ) This again, though, is why it's hard for me to ride in the car with someone else driving because one abrupt and unexpected stop and I'm in agony. My spine gets unhinged too easily. It's a great party trick, or it would be if I wasn't in too much pain to go to parties.
AT ANY RATE... I was mildly irritated on my birthday to find out that Austin and his girlfriend, Leanna had brought a new puppy home - home, as in, the basement at the mountain house which is to be my full time home, with my beautiful cream color carpet and my grandmother's beautiful Tiffany blue oriental rugs. A puppy, in addition to the blind dog they already have done there that has peed on their mattress and carpet already... a puppy, with two kids who can barely wipe their own butts, much less be responsible for training another living being to go potty responsibly. Maybe it's just that times have changed... but I can't imagine moving in with people for a very cheap rent... losing your job a week later and bringing another animal that you can't afford into the house.
Then Leanna decided to move to Alabama and live with her dad and get a job there so she could make enough money to buy a car and get an apartment for her and Austin. Austin's plan is to do nothing at all until she's ready to come get him... because he says that she will be ready in a month or so and it's no sense just getting a job for a few weeks. :shakes head: I tried to explain that it would probably take a little longer for her to get a job and have enough money to handle these things and that maybe if he could get a job they could save quicker. And maybe... he could work for a chain like Zaxby's or McDonalds and transfer. But... what can you do? He has his own reality and you can't penetrate it.
And then Cody and Marquee decided they were going to get another dog - a big dog - because Marquee needs it for protection when Cody's out of town. The problem is that the dog they already have (and who I love dearly) is with us several hours a day everyday, even on weekends, usually longer on weekends. And with my back I can barely handle the two big dogs we already have and they're old and arthritic like me. We have a highly unsociable Oscar dog, who was going to be Cody and Marquee's second dog but that didn't work out so Mawmaw and Pop took him in. Ultimately, one way or another, we'd end up with five dogs, three large and two small, frequently. AND... Cody and Marquee are going on vacation in two weeks that would mean having five dogs in the house around the clock, including a puppy who is not yet trained. And of course, I was the bad guy because I expressed my opinion that this was not a good idea and ended up getting my feelings hurt by the responses to that and lack of support for being the voice of reason. In the end... they didn't get the puppy because the owner didn't feel like they had high enough fencing around their yard.
I said more about that than I meant to but... it is what it is. My self-esteem has definitely taken a few hits since I turned 45.
I haven't yet filed for disability. I need to talk to the attorney first and I got his number, finally, from a former neighbor who used him and spoke highly of him... and even though I could have done it Thursday or Friday, I was battling an evil migraine and just couldn't. This is a very emotionally draining thing for me and it is causing great anxiety. I know once I get the process started I'll feel better but... it's just hard to start down that road. It makes it real. I mean, I've been driving around with a handicapped tag for two years and I've been living with pain for two years and four months and you would think that I would have accepted it all by now but... it's still hard.
I've got the blues. Not navy blue... maybe a light blue... or a quirky turquoise. Not severe enough that I would call it depression. Just sadness because of things like the two dog situations and the increased pain and the decreased ability to work. It's an adjustment. I probably just need to go to the mountains by myself for a few days and have a good long cry and some uninterrupted time with the Lord and just get things under control - or maybe let God take control. I'm having more bouts of anxiety - the kind I was having in the waning days of Darby where I just felt like I couldn't draw a good breath or gather my thoughts. I don't really have any time to myself and I'm the kind of person that needs time alone to recharge my batteries. It's not misery or anything like that... it's just that there are things that are changing and I need to get my spiritual and emotional self up on the same page as my physical self.
So that's what's up. Working Monday and Wednesday this week so I have to get to bed in time to get some sleep... only had about four hours last night.
Posted by Heather at 9:22 PM