My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Whiny Wednesday - one day early, again!

Whiny Wednesday, the Tuesday edition again!

Take someone who has been coughing for three months – and shove a tube down their throat – guess what happens? I have never coughed harder or more frequently in this whole time. It’s driving me nuts. I keep having to say, “I’m not contagious!” because coughing makes you PERSONA NON-GRATA! I am choking on snot!

I need the hours, I’ve been toughing it out at work although what I really want to do is sleep until it’s all better AND… honestly… the more I sleep and the less I talk and clear my throat and cough, the faster it will get better. I also need to stay here because we’re shorthanded. Hard for me to complain when I’m so often the reason we’re shorthanded.

Despite coughing like a long term smoker or a coal miner – I went to Sarabeth’s school for lunch today and my adopted niece, Stasha, went with me. I have pictures that I’ll post later… we had a good time AND ate the school lunch (hamburgers) AND chatted with her little classmates and had just a really good time. Her teacher said, “Sarabeth was SO excited about you coming!” It’s just so easy to make those girls happy! If I had to guess, I’d say her love language is quality time. She so very much treasures time with people. The interesting thing about SB is that from the time she was born, she would have to warm up to you and then – once she did – she was attached to you. Every time I saw her we’d have those few moments of reconnecting. Initially, that was why I’d bring her surprises, to break the ice a bit. Now, because I’m so nearby and I see her so often, we don’t have to break the ice and I love that. I love the way her face lights up when she sees me! It’s not far to her school – I should go eat with her more often. It’s hard to eat that early in the day but it’s worth it!

Speaking of “worth it”… my co-worker, Kevin’s wife is 30 weeks pregnant with their first child. Well, I say it’s their first – they’ve had many miscarriages. This is the furthest they’ve gotten. She’s been hospitalized today with blood pressure issues. When he called from the hospital, stressed out and full of uncertainty, I told him it would be worth it. It’s hard to explain that to someone who has never had a child… how quickly you fall in love with that baby… how, in a heartbeat, you’d give your life for them… He’ll get it. Hopefully they’ll keep baby Raleigh cooking a little longer.

Austin is on a Future Farmers of America field trip to the corn maze this afternoon. I have to remember to pick him up and I’m afraid I won’t… I have “AC” written on my hand in orange magic marker. Hopefully that will work. I also have to pick up a thousand dollars worth of meds from the pharmacy. I’m exaggerating but I bet not by much.

BTW… I’m not broke yet. I don’t know how it lasts, but it does. Even though that child support I received two weeks ago was a mirage. “I’ll send you more on the 15th…” Just for the record… the 15th has apparently not come yet. *eyeroll* Not that I’m a bitter ex-wife. Really. I’m not. I’m still a wife.
Time to balance the books. Less than an hour. We’ve got this!

Monday, September 28, 2009

my crazy Monday

Y'all seem to enjoy my tales of woe so I'll entertain you tonight until the ambien kicks in. I've earned the ambien today, trust me.

First of all... I wonder what makes doctors go into certain specialties such as... proctology... and Ear, Nose and Throat... I mean... who wants to be a doctor of snot?

That thought occurred to me at the ENT office today while the attractive young man was shoving a tube into my nose. The tube had a little camera on the end. The little camera made a little picture on a tv screen that was big enough to be seen from space. It totally grossed me out/fascinated me.

*just had a chat with Angie - Jamie is going to the allergy doctor tomorrow. Poor baby just has so many issues with her eyes running and itching and having itchy places on her skin... they're going to do the actual allergy testing on her tomorrow. Pray that baby girl holds up ok - and her mommy too!

Anyways... back at the snot doctor... it was a totally traumatic experience but did give us some diagnostic answers. He wants to do allergy testing on me but not yet. There is definitely drainage... and my vocal cords are shot (which I kinda knew because I get hoarse so easily - that's why I hate to talk on the phone). Basically the snot dr said that for me to stop coughing, I need to stop coughing. It's a reactive thing... he thinks that the bronchitis started - which started the irritation - and then I had my wisdom teeth out - and that aggravated things even more - and it's been a vicious cycle. The more I cough, the more irritated my throat gets which makes me cough more. I think there's also a little bug that Austin and I are passing back and forth and/or some mold issues somewhere.

I don't know if this is even making sense. I'm not sure I've quite made sense of it all. It's like peeling back an onion.

The snot doctor (I like saying that) also thinks that I may have some reflux - which is also what the lung doctor said - and so he's treating that too. Two new nose sprays. Two reflux meds. The inhaler. Zinc. Mucinex. A new cough medicine. Re-evaluate in six weeks or sooner if this stuff isn't helping fairly soon. Allergy testing after that. All of this is to keep all possible irritants out of my lungs. If we do that... we're good.

I think I left out the "woe is me" hilarity of the day... so let me see if I can paint a picture: flossing my teeth on the way to work... forgot to eat breakfast... ate a cold muffin leftover from the muffins I made for dinner last night... forgot to finish the muffin... meant to eat a lean cuisine from the office freezer... got busy with a client that I had to practically kick out five minutes before I had to leave... thought about eating on the way but figured I'd grab Taco Bell on my back to the office... and then I thought about grabbing a slaw dog from DQ... but then I was in a hurry... so I went straight to the doctor and slid in right on time and ... WAITED. After an hour, I went to the receptionist and asked if they forgot about me and she had an "OH no" look to her and said, "let me check" and then came back all smooth acting like they were just busy but really? I saw people come in after me and leave before they even called me back. Then I went back and had to give the whole sordid medical history to the nurse and waited and waited and then the snot doctor came in and did painful things to my nostrils and then put numbing medicine up my nose with a sharp stick (or a q-tip) and then let me numb up for a bit and THEN did the invasive procedure which made me feel all dirty and violated and then wrote me a whole pad of prescriptions and apparently I looked a little dazed and confused so he went over the whole list a second time. Have I mentioned that this doctor has the most uncomfortable exam chairs on earth? My legs are too short to reach the foot rest and the seat is at an odd angle and the head rest isn't high enough for you to really rest your head. Soooooo... I had to wait another fifteen minutes with numb snot dripping from my nose to check out and NOT schedule the appointment for six weeks from now because they don't have their schedule open that far ahead. Seriously? How do you not schedule appointments six weeks from now when the doctor is telling you to come back in six weeks? AND then... I drove home... starving but still too numb to eat... and got to the McDonalds drive through and realized that I had a total of $6 cash so I had a mcdouble and a tea ... which I ate in the car while I drove to the pharmacy... and the nice lady who works at the pharmacy who is going through chemo had a nice new crew cut... she said I could come back in an hour... I told her I'd see her tomorrow because I didn't want to have to get back out... and then I got home and Austin met me in the carport to tell me the satellite was out... so I spent a half hour on the phone with the nice people at Windstream (shout out to Windstream!) who determined that my bill HAD been paid and that it was by error that they cut off the dish and therefore they would NOT be charging me the reconnection fee... and as I'm on the phone with them, Austin comes in to tell me he has a field trip tomorrow with the Future Farmers of America and needed $5... which I no longer had because I spent $2 at McDonalds... so I asked him what he did with the change from DQ from the day before and he doesn't remember (which means he used it to buy pot and hookers today - or, that he lost it) and so I said, "you can go if you can find the change" and... then I tried to blow my nose which snot doctor should have warned me would be painful... and... well, you get the picture.

Are you sorry you asked?

monday

It’s Monday and I’m so sleepy. I have a dr appointment at 2:30 in Gainesville and then I’m coming back to work because I need the hours. Austin went to school today and I begged him to tough it out – I don’t need any calls from the school asking me to pick him up. It didn’t help that Tasha called at 7am. I asked Austin what she wanted… he didn’t remember because he was ASLEEP when she called. I don’t know what’s up with that girl. Her current boyfriend came by our house yesterday to borrow a Wii game. Obviously there’s no animosity between he and Austin. She came by a little bit later to see where current bf was… oh the DRAMA of being a 15 year old girl!

Incidentally… I was at Jim and Angie’s recently and we were talking about Tasha… I said, “girls are so manipulative at that age!” Jim said, “at that age?” and I didn’t get it at first and said “yeah” and he said, “JUST at that age?”. Ha! I don’t know what he means… he’s got the best sister anyone could ever ask for and the three most precious girls in the world living at his house… we may be emotional but none of us are manipulative!

Fabulousity Weekend starts in ten days! Purple Michael and Candice both arrive at the Atlanta Airport on the 8th! I’m excited about seeing both of them but I think I’m more excited for them to meet each other! Candice has a broken leg – maybe that will slow her down enough that I can keep up with her. PM and I are both on a tight budget so we joked about having lunch at Krystals… and since neither of us has a Krystals nearby any more… hmmm…. Come to think of it… chickfila wouldn’t be bad and none of us is near a CFA. He’s in Chicago… she’s in NYC and I’m in the sticks. Candice and I have been strategizing on plans for that weekend…

Michelle Brown – were you on the FISH this morning? I could have SWORN that the girl that called in sounded like you. (for those of you who aren’t in Atlanta – FISH is the local Christian radio station).

I tried emailing my HUSBAND again. There’s a website where he had listed some professional stuff and it gave an email… I thought I’d try that one since I’m getting no response at the one I had. Sad state of affairs, right? I think that if you can be considered common law married if you cohabitate for a certain amount of time… you should be common law divorced if you un-cohabitate for a specified period of time. Especially if you have no idea where they live or what their phone number is or if they’re living or dead. And if it’s a special pain in the rear to get divorced, shouldn’t you be able to collect pain and suffering?

The weather here is perfect! I love fall in Georgia! Did I mention that yesterday? My blog entries have been so boring lately – reflective of my relatively boring life lately. Of course, if I have a say in the matter, I’d take boring over drama. I would like to have some pleasantly peaceful painless yet exciting things to write about. I think you have to do something more than work and sleep for exciting things to happen. I’m not there.

It’s lunch time but I’m taking lunch late to go to the doctor. Wishing I had brought a sandwich or something… I’m so hungry! Maybe I have a lean cuisine in the freezer…

I have a little bit of a headache… woke up with it… actually, I’m starting and ending my days with headaches… sort of a dizzy, sinus pressure-y kind of thing. Hopefully the ENT will have a magic potion for me. *eyeroll* Or not.

Anyways… have a great Monday, y’all.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

my exciting weekend

Notsomuch.

But it was a restful weekend and although I had major employee guilt for calling out sick on Friday... I know that I've been pushing myself for the past month (or three) with the bronchitis/pneumonia/creeping crud combo that I've had and I know that no matter how much medicine they pump into me... sometimes you just have to heal. Austin definitely needed me... we've been sort of a team - we have both kicked in here and there to get things done (like feeding the cat, cooking, taking out the trash, etc). He's been incredibly cooperative, despite feeling pretty icky himself. It's interesting to see him have empathy, since that's a learned behavior, not instinctive...

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of when I moved from hell to Helen... to celebrate... Austin and I went out for breakfast at a popular restaurant in town that we had not yet eaten at... Glenda's. It's (like pretty much everything around here) sort of a meat and three homecooking place. It was pouring rain and he and I were both hacking up green slime but we needed to get out of the house and the food was good.

We also went to the amish bakery where we were greeted with, "Did you come to get your cookies?"... some people are regulars at bars. I'm a regular at a bakery. Good times.

Today I went to church and got big hugs from my biological and adoptive nieces (Stasha, please shave your legs) and enjoyed being back out in the world again. I've been so tired that all I've done lately is work and sleep. It was good (but tiring) to go to church. Jamie was excited to tell me about seeing Grammy, Gramps, Mawmaw and Pop this weekend - they did the grandparent tour for the weekend. Jamie is having trouble with animal allergies and my parents have a bunch of dogs and cats. I asked her about seeing them and she named them all and told me which animals she had seen... I asked if it made her eyes itch and she said "NO, I just looked at them - I didn't touch them". Poor girl!

Sarabeth lit up like a Christmas tree when I came to pick her up from her class and Stasha and I have PROMISED to come have lunch with her on Tuesday so I have GOT to make sure that happens. We've had to cancel a couple of times. I also got some love from their friend Jorjanne...

Stubby has been going through another nervous spell where he pulls out his fur. Crazy cat. He's been hacking up hairballs in random places. It's lovely. He's also taken to sleeping in my underwear drawer - which is really just a big rubbermaid container because I still don't have a dresser. I was offered a dresser that needed refinishing last weekend by a church member but the problem with that is I have zero skills or tools with refinishing furniture and it would just end up being an eyesore - more than the rubbermaid container with the cat in it.

Tomorrow I'm going to see the ENT to see if they can do something to stop me from coughing. The pulmonologist thinks that if we can eliminate drainage that we'll cut down on "reactive airway issues". I kept a cough drop in my mouth the entire time I was at church... but that's no way to live. I've been coughing like crazy this afternoon and evening.

I told you this was a boring weekend.

The Amazing Race season premiere is coming on. Good times.

Y'all have a good evening. Love and hugs!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

my thankful Thursday

I just want to celebrate the fact that I'm within an hour of making it through the whole durn day! Thank you for your prayers, emails, phone calls and general good wishes... you guys totally keep me going!

Austin is feeling yucky today - we celebrated him making it through his day as well. He was taking advil and going to sleep.

I have an ENT appointment scheduled for Monday- they got me in quickly.

Subway has a flatbread sandwich. Try it! Shirley brought me one yesterday and as much as I enjoy subway fresh baked bread... this stuff is YUM!

I'm enjoying the new season of Survivor.

My superpoke pet is enjoying a new habitat today. I was awake (I don't know why) at 4am this morning and they had just released new stuff. It's my crazy little hobby. We all have 'em.

Is it a full moon? People have been grumpy today.

I'm planning to call back down to Duval County tomorrow and see if the missing documents have been received on my divorce case... if not... I'm launching an all out attack! I'm calling his office... ha!

Hope you have a great evening! love and hugs, y'all!

quick update

The pulmonologist said what I had earlier in the month WAS pneumonia - which is why I still feel tired. He thinks it's resolved. He did another chest xray to be sure. He also thinks (as I predicted) that my best bet right now is to see an ENT because there is drainage from my sinuses and the CT scan of my head showed "more activity" there than in the previous CT scan... lung dr thinks sinus dr should have removed the polyp from my sinuses when it was discovered but doesn't think that we need to do anything about the things in my lungs because they're "so old". He thinks if we eliminate the drainage (from my sinuses) that the reactive airway issues I'm having as far as the coughing, etc, will resolve. He also thinks that the pain in my right ribs is just pulled muscles from coughing that will only go away when I stop coughing.

I left his office sorta aggravated. I can't help but feel like I'm being pushed from one doctor to another and that nobody wants to really own the issues. I go back to the lung doctor in six weeks... which may be our norm... I hope not... that's a big inconvenience. It's 30 minutes there (from the office) and about 45 minutes home. The ENT is at the same location... it's the same guy I saw about my ear who routed me to the Oral Surgeon. It's like specialists are playing hot potato with me... which makes me want to go see some witch doctor on a deserted island or some mountain healer woman or anyone or anything other than another doctor.

Yes, I'm frustrated. Coupled with the fact that I was so exhausted when I got home last night that I just crumpled up into a ball and stayed there for ... a long time... and I did NOT want to get up and drag my tired bag of bones into the office BUT... I thought Theresa might be out again with her arm surgery (she's back) and Ginger was acting sorta gimpy yesterday so I halfway expected her to bail on us. (she didn't) But now that I'm here... I need to stay and get in a full 8 hours. I have to leave work early tomorrow to go to the "lady doctor" (as Stasha calls it). Hey Stasha - wanna go with me? I know it's your favorite place to go!

What else was I going to say about the pulmo visit? Oh yeah... he took me off one inhaler and kept the other... he still wants me to take nexium *in case* there's any gastric reflux involved in this (which I think is ridiculous because I've never had issues with that and the nexium hasn't changed a thing for me and they have zero indication that this is the cause)... he actually said, "I just know that the ENT is going to want to try it so we might as well..." he added a nasal spray deal and did absolutely nothing to address my headaches "tell the ENT" and said he would expect me to be tired after being sick as long as I've been sick. I looked at him and said, "Ok... then fix it". Nothing he can do... blah blah blah... just rest when I can... Good... because that's worked so well for me over the last three months.

I really don't like this guy.

So today I have to call the ENT to see when they can see me... and drag this out for another three months, I guess...

A guy that I went to school with passed away on Sunday. He was 41. He played football - I was a cheerleader. We weren't best buds or anything but I can still see him in his football uniform all dirty and sweaty... he had really beautiful eyes... even when he was dirty... that's what I keep seeing when I remember him... his pretty eyes peeking out from a dirty helmet. His funeral is in Tennessee - almost seven hours from here. A lot of school friends are going, which I think is incredible.

This ended up not being a quick update. Oh well. Happy thursday, y'all!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

the real whiny wednesday post...

Depending on whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist…

When your day starts at 3:11 am with the cat throwing up in the bed beside you… either (a) there’s nowhere to go but up! Or (b) you know it’s gonna be a rotten day.

I think I’m an optimist. A whiny one at times, maybe.

I heard the cat hacking up what sounded like a volleyball sized hairball and I actually said out loud, “are you SERIOUSLY about to throw up on my bed?” and he answered by doing exactly that.

My first thought was… “how funny would this be if Michael and I were still sharing a bed?” and that made me laugh the whole time I was cleaning cat vomit from my bed.

Perspective will take you a long way.

My appointment with the pulmonologist is at 2:45. I’m choking on a lot of thick drainage today and I’m betting he’s going to refer me to the ENT. Oh, I think he’ll give me refills on my inhalers and such. I think he’ll talk about this being chronic and blah blah blah but I have a sneaking suspicion that he won’t really do anything for me.

I’m not being pessimistic. I’m being pragmatic. I’m preparing myself for another couple of rounds of nothing really changing. What I WANT is a “make it all better pill” or even better… a “make it all better shot” because then it would work quicker.

This morning I decided that I’m going to be very demanding and firm and say, “someone has got to do something to make me…” (a) stop feeling so exhausted… (b) stop coughing… (c) stop feeling like I’m drowning on my own snot… (d) not be out of breath from doing things like sitting up in bed… and cleaning up cat vomit.

It’s been a busy morning. I bought some Japanese noodles at the Big Lots yesterday to have for my lunch today since I’m working through lunch and leaving early to go to the doctor. They might have been good if I had eaten them in the first hour that I heated them up. Instead they ended up tasting like cold, salty worms. Shirley is bringing me a veggie sub back from lunch so I’ll have that.

The sad thing is that once I get finished with the doctor I know I’m gonna want to go to bed. We have church tonight. I want to go to church. I haven’t seen those folks in forever. I’m torn between pushing myself and taking care of myself. I’m really (back) at the point of reserving all of my energy just to be able to get a couple of hours in at work every day. I need a pill to fix THAT! Maybe a vitamin B12 shot?

Honestly… last night I was so tired… I knew that we had stuff in the fridge to make hamburger helper but I was too tired to cook. I was too tired to ask Austin to cook and have to put in the mental contribution of talking him through the process. I was too tired to get up and microwave something to eat. I had a pack of oreos beside my recliner so I just ate those for dinner. After about three cookies… Austin stuck his head in the door and asked what was for dinner. He decided to just grill some burgers. I stuck some rice in the microwave. That was dinner…

This morning I started consulting Dr. Google about chronic fatigue syndrome. I’m that tired. It feels like it’s never going to let go. Dr. Google said that sometimes chronic fatigue develops from other chronic illnesses like… chronic bronchitis. It made me very tired.

Ok… back to work… gotta get a few things wrapped up before I leave.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

another reason I love my job

I had a 15 year old boy come by today to have an oral specimen test (spit test) done for a life insurance policy. I asked him to sign the authorization (before I realized how old he was) and he said, "I don't have a signature yet... can I just write my name?"

Awww... of course!

I always have Whiny Wednesday early for some reason

Austin got stung in the eye by a bee yesterday. It wasn’t the actual eyeball, it was his bottom lid where it covered the eyeball. He’s a swollen, sad little mess today. Poor Auggie!

I was in the middle of – would you believe – a water damage mitigation class – at the time and had to abandon ship and head to the high school. They couldn’t give him so much as a Tylenol or Benadryl until I got there. It was raining pretty hard… thankful once again for the new tires! His school’s check out system is odd… they take a computerized picture of the person doing the pickup. My first thought… “if I’d have known, I’d have put on lipstick, at least!”.

I’m amazed and dazed by the flooding in Atlanta. Lots of places that are familiar to me, particularly from my time living in Woodstock with (and without) Michael… completely underwater. I’ve never seen anything like it! I’m glad to be up hill from all that… glad to not be trying to make that drive/float through Atlanta traffic. Just three short years ago I would have been sitting/floating in all that mess! I’m relieved to be here in the high country where the water has a long way to go.

We have this one mushroom that has grown in the woods near our house. It’s a foot tall! I keep meaning to take a picture of it but… just haven’t stopped. It’s surreal… like a scene from Alice in Wonderland. All this water and flooding is surreal. It’s soooo not what I’m used to in my town.

I seem to be turning into a bit of a heartbreaker, completely unintentionally. There was crunch-n-munch… who I liked well enough but his marriage was just not over, at least not the paperwork, not enough for me to be comfortable with the situation… and then there was a guy I refer to as “not him”… because although I really liked him, God was clear with me that he was not the one for me. I still think he’s yummy but… it’s not in the cards. Lately there’s been another really awesome guy who is strong in his faith and very kind to me… but he is discouraged by the fact that MY marriage isn’t over, at least not the paperwork. I consider it all to be a matter of God’s timing. If anything else is supposed to happen, it will happen, when it’s supposed to happen and in the meantime, I’m ok. I don’t feel well enough to entertain anyone else at this point, anyways.

It’s freezing in my office and my hair is still wet. I keep thinking about chopping it off… it’s so long and takes forever to dry….even when it’s curly it’s almost to my waist. But then I have a good hair day and decide I want to keep it. Austin definitely needs a haircut… his reaches a point where it grows out, thicker and thicker… he’s a mess.

I was so tired and out of it yesterday. It was like everything I did was in a dream like state. I took a good nap during lunch, in my car… I was so sound asleep that an accident happened fifty yards from me and I slept through the whole thing, including all the rescue vehicles coming. I got back to the office and was at work for about an hour before the Austin drama happened. As soon as I picked him up, we ran to the drugstore and bought Benadryl…. I tucked him in with ice and advil and I laid down… and I slept for three hours! I was awake for a few hours and then went right back to sleep. I don’t know what it’s going to take to get well and to get my strength back. I could still go right back to bed, even now, and can hardly put my thoughts in order. It’s hard to imagine having 8 hours to go before I leave the office today. I need a blankie and a pillow… and a space heater.

I still have the yucky congestion, head, chest, etc. I go to the pulmonologist tomorrow, finally. Last time he wanted to refer me to an ENT… that’s where I started out this year, with an ENT… and despite the diagnosis of the first cyst, in my sinuses, we didn’t get to the root of the problem with the granulomas in my lungs and spleen and stuff. I wish that there was ONE doctor who would take responsibility for everything instead of bouncing me around. I’m just so tired of feeling yucky.

Theresa had surgery on her arm yesterday. She’s going home at noon. I’m jealous. I want to go home and sleep!

I just had someone call in and want a quote on 15 cars. Honestly, they probably need a fleet policy. Who does that? Who owns that many cars? Hoarders. Know what I mean? At some point while I was on the phone Ginger got up and closed my door – apparently I was too loud. I think I’ll leave it closed. I like it quiet in here.

Still no word from Michael on why he hasn’t completed the paperwork. I need to call back to the Duval County clerk’s office to find out exactly what it is that’s missing… and then I need to call White County and find out what it would take (cost) to file here – I know there’s something about contacting the other party at their last known address and running it in the paper and so forth. Such a headache when the stupid Duval County divorce has already been paid for. Sign the papers, already!

Kevin is aggravated at his computer. He’s being noisy with it. I’m definitely keeping my door closed. He’s taking a class that I was supposed to take earlier but I took the class when he was supposed to take it before because he was busy.

And by the way, since this is a big old whiny post anyways, it still hurts when I take a deep breath. But you know what... at this time a year ago I was in the psych ward trying to prove that I wasn't crazy, I was just being drawn that way... all in all, I'm doing ok.

Hope you all have a great day… stay warm and safe and dry. Love and hugs!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

my bonus days

I'm really, very ok.
One year has passed.
A year ago today I gave up.
A year ago today my husband carried my unconscious body to the ER.
The medical professionals did what they had to do.
God spared my life.
The next day I woke up.
The day after that I was transferred to a psychiatric facility for the mandatory "Baker Act" hold that the state of Florida required to protect me from harm.
Three days later I was determined to be stable.
I left the hospital.
Two days later I left Jacksonville and my husband for good.
It hasn't been easy.
It hasn't been as hard as I had feared.
God has been faithful.
I have never gone hungry. I have never done without anything I needed.
God has kept my little car running.
He has given me a job.
He has stood in the gap for me every time my resources were running low.
He has blessed beyond measure.
I haven't always been faithful to God but HE has always been faithful to me.
Along the path I have made a lot of friends.
I have learned a lot about myself.
I have been embraced by a church and a community and my family.
I have lived a beautiful life.
I feel like these are the bonus days. These are the overtime points.
I know more about the heart of God than I ever could have before.
I know more about my own inner strength.
I have hope.
Whatever He has for me... I know that I can trust Him.
No matter how dark the future may look... life is always worth living.
I wish I was thinner. I wish I was healthier. I wish I had more money. I wish my husband had loved me. I wish there had been the kind of "happily ever after" I had dreamed of.
But I'm grateful... so very grateful... for the life God has given me.
A life that almost ended one year ago today.

Friday, September 18, 2009

turn me loose! enough already!

Today is FLYING by… which is a good thing! We’ve been pretty busy this morning. Six more hours until my weekend!

I finally bit the bullet and called Duval County courts to see if my divorce is final and it. is. Not. Not only is it not finished but the case is in danger of being dismissed because they have sent paperwork to Michael three times without response. Since he is the plaintiff, if he decides not to respond, they just let the case be dismissed assuming that he has changed his mind. Based on my last conversation with him, he doesn’t care if we stay married or not. He doesn’t see it as a legitimate marriage and even when it was as legitimate as it could be he didn’t honor his vows so… it makes no difference in his life. He doesn’t have to see me, talk to me, support me, or even acknowledge that I exist.

As for me… my biggest concern is the potential financial implications. We get phone calls from bill collectors EVERY day trying to track him down. The police came by yesterday looking for him- I have no idea why – he’s never lived with me here – but I guess because they don’t have an address for him. And based on the harassment I’m getting on his behalf, I can see why he wasn’t worried about leaving a forwarding address. Whitney says Kathy’s office in Jacksonville gets calls looking for him – I’ve been getting calls here at work looking for him. And it’s not like I don’t have my own financial skeletons that fall out of the closet from time to time… but they’re MINE. I have enough of my own without having to deal with someone else’s junk falling on my head.

And here’s the thing: he had a choice. He always had a choice. Had he come to me from day one and said, “my finances are a mess and I owe the IRS a ton of money” I would have still loved him, I would have still married him. I would have supported him (both emotionally and financially) and I would have done things uh-lot differently. If I had known. I would have gladly partnered with him to resolve his problems. He never gave me the chance. He was living large, spending a lot of money on random things ($600 for fireworks?) and acting like he was king of the world. He worked a lot but he was a workaholic. I figured he preferred being at work to being with me (as evidenced by the fact that he would take time off when it involved his kids or his family but never when it involved me). He would encourage me to make as much money as I could but there was never a coordination of finances. I offered many times to just turn my paycheck over to him and let him handle it all. I’m glad – so glad – that never came to pass! Truly, I make plenty of mistakes on my own. He once said, “you and money are not friends” and that’s true. But that’s also the pot calling the kettle black.

For the most part, I have gotten over the fact that there was emotional infidelity in my marriage. It will always hurt… the sting of rejection from the physical infidelity will always be there, but I *at least* know who I am and know that I am worthy. I understand now that it was never about any shortcomings on my end. I don’t blame myself any more. I don’t feel ugly or unworthy. I’m beyond all that. What hurts now is that his financial infidelity is still impacting my life. After hearing “move on” from him about a thousand times over the past year… “leave me alone”… “go on with your life”… etc… he’s the one keeping me from being able to do that. He’s the one who makes sure that every single time I go to the mailbox there’s something with his name on it. He’s the one causing us to still be married. He’s the one causing the police to knock on my door and creditors to call me. I don’t need that.

Tomorrow is one year. And I’m really. Honestly. Totally. Completely. Ok. I love where I live. I love my community and my church family and the friends I have here and the family I have here. I love my small town life. I have a friend in my life who might one day become more than a friend, in God’s time. I have people who care about me and pray for me and support me and encourage me. I have hope.

So for those in his life who still read my blog – let him know that it’s time for him to man up and let me go. Let him know that he needs to do right by me. Finally. He holds all the cards where the divorce is concerned. The clerk of court says there’s nothing I can do as the defendant to make the case go forward. I would have to file countersuit in my own jurisdiction (and pay my own court costs). I can’t do anything to speed up the current proceedings.

Time for me to go to lunch. The day is flying by. the past year has too.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

thankful thursday

I went to bed before 6pm last night and was asleep not long after. I woke up for a little while around 9pm… woke up again around 11:30 when the phone rang… but for the most part I was asleep for 12 hours. Sadly… I could sleep another 12, I think. It’s been rainy all week. Good sleeping weather.

My brother noticed my tires the other day and was more animated than usual in his encouragement that I get new tires. Now. As in, “I can’t believe you’re about to drive home on these tires”. And so I went to the place that was suggested… a place that understands that there is sometimes a gap between what you need and what you can afford… that didn’t make me feel guilty for not buying the best with all the service bells and whistles. I was in and out in under 30 minutes which was a HUGE bonus for me. Those folks have my business for life now.

Then I went to the bakery and the lady who is normally at the counter was sweeping up in the back. She saw me come in and said, “did you come in for your cookies?” they have these amazing shortbread sandwich cookies with the most incredible key lime crème filling… I’ve probably blogged about them before… I love them muchly. And as much as I love being a regular at the bakery and knowing that the employees remember me… and what I buy… it’s a bit unsettling to be remembered as the lady who buys cookies. That’s got “fat girl” written all over it.

Right on cue, the radio station we listen to is playing, “Fat Bottomed Girls”. Lovely.

This morning I got to take Sarabeth to school. I had to get up earlier and leave earlier than usual but it was totally worth it to see her sweet grin when I got there to pick her up! I helped Jamie get dressed… got to visit with their sweet babysitter (mom and dad are out of town)… had a nice chat with SB on the way to school… she wanted to make SURE I was going to pick her up from her class on Sunday. It’s so precious to me to have time with them!

Is it too early to start the weekend countdown? After not working the first week of the month and only working 3 days last week… this has felt like the longest week EVER! Ginger asked if she could put appointments on the calendar for me on Saturday and I said… “mmm.hmm. ok”. Because I need the hours. I really hope there’s nothing scheduled, though. I want a two day weekend!

Thankful Thursday list includes: early morning with sweet girls, rainy days, new tires, cookies, Fat bottomed girls, weekend countdown… 31 hours!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Whiny Wednesday

I stayed up WAY too late last night and was FAR too keyed up to go to sleep. The end of Big Brother was the best yet… my girl won and that’s NEVER happened before! The winner is usually someone who is diabolical and shifty… but this year a sweet, innocent little southern girl won and that made me ridiculously happy. She wasn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree but she knew enough to win. But afterwards I was watching all the live stream of the after party... and stayed up until 1-ish.

So I am tired. It’s raining outside. I still don’t feel good. I’m coughing up green junk (still). Austin’s throat is killing him and he is coughing worse than me. My eyes feel week. I’m stuffy. I have zero energy. Zero ambition. And I need to do about seven hours worth of marketing today. I don’t feel like talking at all – much less trying to persuade people to buy stuff. My head hurts. I had a bad hair day. The pulled muscles in my side from coughing are not getting any better – it hurts every time I move or breathe. I need to call the pulmo back and let him know that I’m still green, coughing and in pain but… he will want me to drive down to Gainesville to see him and I have GOT to get tires today… it was a white knuckle drive in to the office today with the pouring rain. So after I get off work (thankfully, early today) I will go straight to the tire store and hope they can (a) do it quickly and (b) do it cheaply.

I didn’t have my smoothie this morning because I didn’t wash the blender yesterday and was too tired to do it this morning. Instead I made toast. And then discovered that the apple butter was full of green fuzzy mold. Yuck. I didn’t even know that kind of stuff would mold inside the refrigerator. I threw out two pounds of ground beef that we meant to cook Sunday with Hamburger Helper but neither Austin nor myself felt like cooking. I bought “last chance” meat that was reduced for quick sale and it really needed to be used the day I bought it. Instead I had two pieces of toast that was cold by the time I ate it. Lunch will be a lean cuisine because I need to work during lunch to make up for leaving early. Ugh.

And I’m running a fever. Lord, just get me through this day.

End of Whiny Wednesday entry. Love and hugs, y'all.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

coming up on an important anniversary!

It was very interesting to me yesterday that my brother asked “what day was it when you moved here?”… my mother’s birthday… the 26th… he said, “I can’t believe it’s been a year”. Me either. He didn’t ask what day “it” happened…. He asked what day I moved. Ultimately, that's what matters the most.

A year has gone by. A year of trials and tribulations, without a doubt, but mostly a year of healing. Some things still hurt, I guess they always will.
I work really hard to not gather my hurts together and pull them out to play with. I’ve worked really hard at submitting them to the Lord and letting Him use them to make me into who He means for me to be. I work really hard to recognize the amazing work that God has done in my life.

I work hard to keep an intellectual perspective on things and to rationalize when I start to grieve… what did I lose? I lost the grip of destruction that Satan had on my life. I lost the fear that gripped my heart every time I heard Michael’s footsteps coming up the stairs to the condo – worrying what I had forgotten to do that would cause him to be angry with me that day. Worrying that there would be a confrontation between him and Austin. Worrying that one way or another my rights would be violated and I would have to choose to fight or to suffer in silence. Worrying that I didn't even recognize myself any more. Instead of losing a loving relationship, I lost the constant feeling of rejection and loneliness and frustration and longing – desperation to be loved the way he promised to love me. Truly, that was not the life God meant for me to live. When I think about it, when I pray about it, I am reassured that God had bigger and better things in store for me. He is showing me more and more of that plan every day.

Sometimes, though, you just have to feel the emotion. Sometimes you can’t apply logic to what you feel. Sometimes I have to let it wash over me and I have to be honest with myself – and with God – that I still feel the bitter sting of rejection. I still feel the disappointment that things didn’t turn out the way I planned. I have faith that God will sustain me, just as He has shown me for the past year. He has been faithful. He has grown me in ways I never could have imagined. I have faith that He has chosen better for me. I have hope. A year ago, I couldn’t have said that. Sometimes you have to measure yourself against the past to appreciate how far you’ve come… that’s what I try to do.

My growth is not stunted but there are parts of me that are renewed and changed forever by the path I followed. I'm not who I would have been had I never met, fell in love with and married Michael. thank God I'm not who I would have been... so I am not sad... But sometimes, I just need to be quiet. Sometimes when the feeling is too deep for words, I just retreat to a quiet place. I think I've been in that quiet place for the past week or two of being sick. I wonder if being sick didn't coincide with this anniversary for a reason.

The day I got out of the hospital my mom told my cousin that I was fine now… that as long as I was away from Michael I would be happy and healthy. My cousin (wisely) told my mother that whatever was broken in me that allowed me to be treated the way he treated me… that would take a long time to heal. To be able to value myself enough to never accept that from anyone… when I think about a year passing… that’s what I think about… am I healed in that way? So I’m not grieving so much as I am reflecting… measuring… aware… taking inventory…

I'm not who I should be yet, but thank God, I'm not who I was...

that's all for now... love and hugs, y'all...

Monday, September 14, 2009

I need a calendar

My appointment with the pulmo isn't until the 23rd. Yikes! Hopefully I'll be waaaay better by then. I don't know why I kept thinking the end of the month was this week...guess I was trying to wish this month away.

I got mail today! Lots of cd's and dvd's in the mail! Fun times for Heather!

Sometimes it’s better to just keep your opinions to yourself.
Joe Wilson. Serena Williams. Kanye West.
I’m jes’ sayin’. There’s a time and a place to express your opinion. I’m all for free speech. I’m all for honesty and openness and truth. No matter how great the wrong… sometimes by opening your big mouth at the wrong time, you change the focus from the injustice of the matter – to your lack of self-control. Like they say – it’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

and I haven’t posted anything here in five days… that should tell you something!

No, honestly, I’m just so tired of being a whiny sickly complainer and I know that everyone is sick of hearing about it so I’ve just stopped talking about it. People ask how I feel and I say, “fine”. It’s easier. I can’t breathe. I’m still running fevers every day. I have a nasty pain in my right side that is getting worse every day and I don’t want to do anything except sleep. Any post I would have made in the past five days would have said the exact same thing.

The good news is that the levaquin hasn’t made me as sick as it usually does. I’ve had five days of it now. I’m itchy about an hour after taking it and I’m a little bit queasy and achy… but for the most part… no major drama there. These little cough pills I’m on work really well… but the allegra isn’t helping much.

I haven’t felt like going anywhere or doing anything. I even went to sleep last night before Big Brother was over. I haven’t felt like talking to anyone. I haven’t even felt like eating unless it’s really sweet or really salty – I can’t taste anything. I’m still blowing enormous amounts of thick green slime out of my head. I’m still coughing up the same stuff. I’m so sleepy. I could sleep 24 hours straight.

I go back to see the pulmonologist on Wednesday. My goal is to hang tough until then… work as many hours as I can… and rest every minute that I’m not working. Austin has been great… he’s been cooking for us. The house is a wreck but we don’t care.

In other news outside my pity party... I have a new nephew born on 9/9/9. His name is Joshua. Ryan is in Atlanta this week so I had lunch with him and his BFF Josh yesterday. And...

That’s all I’ve got. Hope you’re all well. Love and hugs!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Sorry I didn’t update this last night. I got home from the doctor around 4:30 and I was wiped out. I fell asleep before 7… woke up for a few minutes to watch Hell’s Kitchen and Big Brother and then crashed again. I was too tired for logical thought.

I don’t have pneumonia. I do have bronchitis. It’s considered chronic although the medical definition of “chronic” would mean that I had the same illness for 2-3 months out of two consecutive years. As far as my doctor is concerned… it’s chronic because the conditions exist for me to have recurrences of this illness. Basically, it’s working on a cycle – I get sick, my lungs get inflamed, they put me on steroids to lessen the inflammation, the steroids lower my resistance to illness, I get sick again – and so it goes.

I had been seeing a Physicians Assistant throughout this whole treatment that started back at the end of June. She’s good, she remembers you, she has been very thorough with me… up until Friday and I’ll be honest, I don’t believe she was even getting my messages on Friday. If she was… I don’t think she was putting two and two together because when I talked to the office manager yesterday she agreed that I needed to have been seen on Friday and that I didn’t need to wait through a 3 day weekend to have possible upper respiratory infection addressed.

The doctor I saw yesterday agreed immediately that amoxicillin was a waste of time – she also agreed that it would only make me sicker. Reducing the good bacteria with an antibiotic that my body is resistant to is counterproductive. She WANTED to do a course of levaquin – and I wanted to hold off on that because levaquin makes me violently ill. She said we’d do a z-pack and if I still show symptoms of infection after ten days, she’ll put me on levaquin. Good times.

We’re still waiting on the pulmonologist to weigh in on things. Yesterday’s doctor feels like there’s a strong allergy component of all of this and the primary thing going on with me right now is a sinus infection… lots of thick green snot! Yum! She wants to see how the latest head CT came out. I was running a fever at the doctors office yesterday… she asked how long I’d had a fever – and (although I never check my temp, I can tell when I have a fever) I know it’s been at least 8 days straight of fever. That concerned her. The fact that I was completely wiped out concerned her.

But yet… when I went to the pharmacy… they didn’t have any of my medications. Said the prescriptions hadn’t been sent over. I went home to call the doctors office and Austin said that someone had called from the doctor’s office about the medicine. I tried to call my doctor’s office… they were closed. At this point, I was wiped out and just gave up. When I called the doctor’s office this morning – they said they sent everything over and they hadn’t tried to call me so I’m thinking it was the pharmacy that called yesterday… at any rate… I can’t deal with them until after work today.

In this comedy of errors the medicine I should have been on starting last Friday *that could have been finished by today* is just starting today. That aggravates me. I mean – it is what it is. People made mistakes and I haven’t gotten well because of it. Of course, there may be a reason in the whole scheme of things that will make sense by and by.

I also have pulled muscles in my chest wall… which is great fun. It hurts every time I move or cough or take a deep breath.

Last week sometime I entered a facebook status that I needed for all my facebook friends, twitter followers, blog readers, etc to send me a quarter each to make up the difference in lost wages since I don’t have any sick leave. So far I’ve received $203.75! Most of that was due to one large, generous, anonymous donation! God is so good!

My first husband called last night and told me he had sent some child support. He said he was out of work for three weeks - I said, “you were out of work for three weeks but you didn’t pay child support for two months?” It doesn’t make sense to me but again, God’s timing is perfect. I told him that it didn’t seem right that I was the one having to scrape by and go begging to make up the difference in money that he failed to pay. He said, “well, nobody likes me enough to give me money”. I said, “well, there you go!”. He wanted me to feel sorry for him but I don’t. We reap what we sow in this world.

My sister-un-law Candice sent me an email last week that said, “Modern medicine has failed you”. I have to agree. My sweet adopted mother at church called to check on me today… when she found out I was still sick and still running fevers she said we needed to look for answers beyond pharmaceuticals. I agree. Of course, not going on an antibiotic when I needed one hasn’t helped either… but anyways… gonna go ahead and post this… a couple of you had asked and I just haven’t had time to respond. Love and hugs, y’all!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

more update

Thanks, Stasha! I got the milk... went yesterday on a grocery run... didn't buy much but I got enough to get us through the next few days.

Mom... I don't know what ANYONE can do to make me well.

I go back to the doctor today. I spoke with the nurse at the pulmonologist's office. He's out of town so I can either deal with one of his associates or give it another day. I opted to wait one more day to deal with someone who already knows my whole story.

So I'm going back to my REGULAR doctor - you know, the one who completely ignored me on Friday. I spoke with the office manager today and they were upset that I'm not on an antibiotic because of my increased risk for pneumonia. DUH!

I've been at work... working until time for my doctor's visit... that means I have just under two hours to go. I'm hanging in there... the most uncomfortable thing for me today is the pain in my right side, probably from coughing. The biggest of the granulomas is in the left lung so I don't think it's pain from that. My nose is icky.

I have this card that a friend sent me that is one of those cards that makes sound... it says, "you're awesome!". Theresa had fun with it while I was out sick... she sat at my desk... anytime someone walked in she would open the car... she said "whoever gave you that got their money's worth". Just passing that along!

I got a quarter and a dollar in the mail for my sick leave fund, thanks ladies! Keep those quarters coming... we have four and a half days of sick leave to make up! I sold a life policy today... just a small one, but that helps.

Ok, lunch break over. Love and hugs.

Btw, it's my stepson Bobby's birthday today - ten years old! It's his first birthday without his mom... keep him in your prayers! Michael does a great job with birthdays so I know it will be special for him...

Monday, September 7, 2009

update

Remember two days ago when I optimistically blogged that I was feeling better? Apparently I was deceived. Mistaken. Misguided. Fooled.
I feel horrible. Still. I am convinced that I have pneumonia. I'm being overly dramatic. I don't know what i have. If my doctor had been so kind to communicate with me on Friday... I would have a better idea... I'm coughing, I'm exhausted, I'm running random fevers... I'd go into more detail but I'm going to spare you the gory details. I'm just done. The symptoms are essentially the same as the 8 weeks of bronchitis except the cough is more "productive" and the exhaustion is more pronounced and the fevers are debilitating.

If you're keeping score... 8 weeks of bronchitis... one week of feeling well... and now one solid week of ________ (fill in the blank - whatever this is).

Wow! I just saw on the news that there's a crack on the Bay Bridge! I've been there! Yikes!

Ok... back to my whining and complaining... Saturday I was too shakey to drive. Yesterday I was shakey and felt horrible... mid afternoon my fever was high enough that I got nauseous and had that whole dizzy-drunk feeling - you know, where you lay as still as possible and get as cool as possible to keep from throwing up. I was like that for about two hours... at that point I turned off my phones and turned off the tv and went to sleep.

Here's the clue that I'm really sick - I NEVER turn off the tv! If I'm home, the tv is on. I have to have that background noise.

Once the fever passed, I just felt incredibly exhausted... this morning I got up and took a shower and was worn out just from doing that...

And since the grocery fairy doesn't visit my house and my son isn't old enough to drive... I made a quick grocery run... and that wore me out so I took a nap.

Tomorrow I HAVE to... HAVE to go back to work. I'm sick to my stomach about the loss of income from the week of work I lost last week. I have to get as many hours in this week as possible... but honestly... if i'm worn out by taking a shower... I don't know how long I'll make it. I'm still mad that the doctor didn't call back on Friday...

So tomorrow on top of working... I have to find time to talk to Austin's school about his makeup work from last week... I still need to file contempt of court/abandonment on the kids' dad since he hasn't paid child support - anything at all - in two months - and I've got to get back in touch with my doctor's office to ring someone's bell about the poor response I got on Friday AND find a doctor who can treat whatever this is - whether it's a relapse of the bronchitis or whatever. Probably my pulmonologist can help. Maybe.

It's hard to believe that I haven't worked in the past ten days... other than a half day on Wednesday and a half hour on Thursday. Crazy.

I'm sure my friends think I've dropped off the face of the earth because I haven't responded to emails hardly... or texts... and I haven't wanted to talk on the phone (ok, I never want to do that) and I've barely blogged... the bottom line is that I'm just exhausted.

I think I'll institute another EBT tonight... love and hugs, y'all.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

quick update...

I'm feeling MUCH better today!

Still have a cough but haven't had a fever since late last night and don't have the snotty head congestion any more.

My ribs ACHE, though, from coughing so much... I've got to get back into pilates to strengthen my "trunk" muscles! I can barely move... I think I've pulled every muscle between my neck and my hips!

I still have ZERO appetite which is highly unusual for me but I am so thankful for having the time to rest... I am so weak. I didn't even try to leave the house today. I was craving an apple juice slushy from Sonic... but didn't want to drive... I think Stasha is going to bring me one after church tomorrow! Yay!

I am NOT going to church tomorrow... partly because I want to rest and partly because I'm absolutely paranoid that I'll make someone else sick. I told Stasha she would have to mask up... fortunately, I have masks!

I've spent all day playing my SuperPoke Pets game online and watching college football. I'm watching a little bit of the Sound of Music now in between football games. I'm trying to catch Florida online but haven't been successful. I'll figure it out eventually.

At any rate... just wanted to thank you guys for praying and ask you to continue to pray that we are 100% healed and ready to go on Tuesday!

Friday, September 4, 2009

sick and tired of being sick and tired

This is the longest period of time I have been out of work and not doing something in... well, in a very long time. I'm still sick. I'm running fevers off and on (mainly whenever the tylenol gets out of my system). I'm coughing worse than I did during the entire 8 weeks of bronchitis (which ended just two short weeks ago). I'm so snotty I've gone through almost a whole box of tissues since yesterday. I have ZERO appetite (and I NEVER lose my appetite! I could eat during a stomach virus! So this is weird).

I'll be honest, I think we have swine flu. Austin tested negative for flu on Monday and I wasn't tested. I was tested for strep but not flu because I didn't have the cough, runny nose, fluey feeling until later on Monday.

At this point... I've been home almost all week. My exposure to people, even at my office that brief half day I worked this week was minimal. I stayed in my office and really didn't visit much with anyone. I didn't feel well so I wasn't very social. We've been to Walmart twice, to the drugstore, to the bakery, the bank... We have really stayed home and stayed to ourselves BUT... I still worry that we may have exposed people even with as little as we did.

Here's something odd... and very "God" to me... You guys know how much I look forward to my time with the girls at church. I love picking them up from their classes and they love having me pick them up. That's our thing. Circumstances just worked out last Sunday where I didn't pick them up. I can't help but think now that God was protecting them from being exposed to anything. Even if it is just a bad cold that we've had.

I tried ALL day today to get back in to see my doctor or to have her call me in an antibiotic. She was the one who told me that any time I get a cold or respiratory infection that we have to be careful to make sure it doesn't turn into pneumonia because of the granulomas in my lungs. I'm just at higher risk... when I saw her on Monday she told me if I was still sick today to let her know and she'd probably want to give me an antibiotic shot and then do a course of something strong to be on the safe side. So when the nurse called me back at 1 - from the message I left at 9am - and said they were calling in amoxicillin - I gently and kindly reminded her and asked her to remind the doctor that I needed something stronger.

Two hours later when I hadn't heard anything - I called back to the doctors office and explained to the receptionist why I REALLY needed to talk to the doctor before the three day weekend and how concerned I was that (because I've been running fevers) that if I couldn't be seen, I at least needed to be on a stronger antibiotic than amoxicillin.

I was frustrated with this process and so Austin and I went out to Sonic to take advantage of Sonic Happy Hour (half price drinks - soft drinks, I mean!) and stopped by the pharmacy. They had a prescription ready for me - amoxicillin. I called the doctor as soon as I got home and talked to the nurse again and said, "please check my chart... I don't think the doctor is getting my messages because she was the one who said I needed something strong... " and when the girl read back to me from my chart "need to advise patient that amoxicillin is the first course of treatment for strep throat"... I freaked... I used my "outside voice"... I told her that I had tested NEGATIVE for strep - that should be in my chart... I told her that I had not described even HAVING a sore throat in the three times I had talked to their office today - that my symptoms were more in line with the flu than strep throat and I told her that I had missed an entire week of work. The doctor had noted in my chart, "have patient take amoxicillin for the weekend and if still experiencing symptoms on Tuesday to come back in at that time". I was so upset. I said, "apparently I need to just go to urgent care and let them treat me since your office is not able to".

She assured me that she would have the doctor call me right back, that she would make sure she understood what was going on with my symptoms and all... and... well, that was 4 1/2 hours ago and I never heard anything back. Soooo... if I'm not better tomorrow, I will go to urgent care. I can't afford to let this spin any further out of control. And then on Tuesday I will call and talk to the office manager at the doctors office and make sure they understand that between four employees that I dealt with there, no one seemed to be able to connect the dots where my care is concerned. And then... I will start looking for another doctors office because that is completely unacceptable. I have a chronic illness and my care has to be consistently managed. I don't have the luxury of having a medical advocate (such as a spouse) and so I need to know that when I'm sick and I make a phone call to the doctor to let them know, they will respond on the first phone call. Nobody who is sick enough to need medical attention feels good enough to make four phone calls to the doctors office in one day. And seriously - if this does go into pneumonia - I'll be talking to my good friend Attorney Matt about a malpractice suit.

But she did call me in a very tiny bottle of cough syrup. *eyeroll*

The good news is that I have three long days ahead of me to do what I've needed to do for the past year - rest. I can stay in my pajamas the whole time. I don't plan to go out and about and be around people because whether its flu or cold - I want to be certain that I'm not contagious.

Now I'm watching college football preview shows! Good times!

Anyways... your prayers are appreciated. I need to be well. And I have to figure out how to make up for a week's lost income...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Thankful Thursday

Nobody enjoys a good sick day more than me... but three and a half sick days in the same week have me stir crazy and stressed out. Austin is coughing like a lifelong smoker. I run a fever any time the tylenol gets out of my system. I attempted to go to work today and was DENIED... sent home... actually, that's over dramatizing... I was encouraged to do what was best for all of us. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Who cares if my car gets repo'ed and I get evicted and the lights are turned off and we don't eat as long as my co-workers don't catch a cold.

Ok, so I'm a little bitter. The queen of absenteeism gave me a hard time this morning about coming to work sick and I said - quite honestly - I'm a single working mother - there is no choice for me. And apparently she had a word of prayer with Duane because right after that he came and evaluated me and encouraged me to go home. So I did. And cried the whole way home. I trust God to provide, honestly, I do. But I like to have a hand in things. There's no backup plan for us... I go to work... that's how we survive.

But... now I'm running a fever again so I suppose it was supposed to be this way.

I entertained myself by rerunning the joke about nyquil that I heard from the cashier at the local dollar store, "anything that comes with it's own plastic shot glass has to be fun". Bottoms up!

We made a quick run to the Walmart for food and juice and toilet paper and tissues. My nose is raw... time to invest in some real kleenex. That wore us both out. Austin climbed right back into his comfy sleep pants and I reassumed the position in the pepto bismol colored recliner.

So... send money... Heather's sick leave fund is officially unofficially established. Else I'm going to have to stand on the street corner with a sign, "will NOT work for food".

It's Thankful Thursday so I'm gonna give it a shot...
1. Cafe bustelo espresso grind
2. puffs with lotion
3. off brand nyquil with it's own plastic shot glass
4. the pepto bismol recliner
5. daytime television
6. morning bible verse texts
7. email
8. SuperPoke Pets online
9. tylenol
10. fall weather
11. my nest
12. the ability to stay home and heal
13. the Country Bake Shoppe's key lime cremes
14. my new blender
15. fruit smoothies
16. homemade chicken noodle soup
17. remote control
18. my laptop
19. internet
20. comfy clothes

Ok... there you go... my Thankful Thursday list. Have a great day, y'all!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Woe Is Me Monday, part 2 OR prelude to Whiny Wednesday

I'm mad.
That's it. Just mad.
After 8 weeks of bronchitis I had ONE week of relatively good health.
Sunday afternoon my throat started hurting.
Yesterday I started with the runny nose and sinus pressure.
Today... all this stuff is back in my chest again.
YESTERDAY my chest was completely clear.
Today, I'm sucking air through a straw. A coffee stirrer.
And it makes me mad.
I've missed two days of work already this week.
My choice tomorrow will be.... make myself worse, possibly expose others to my illness and be able to pay bills this month... or not.
Yes, from an intellectual standpoint, I understand that what is happening is about what I can expect.
From an emotional standpoint I know that I need to adjust my expectations and not let being sick frustrate me.
From a spiritual standpoint, I understand that this will be ultimately for my good. I've looked at the positives...
From a long term standpoint I know that it's very likely that I will reach a point where I can no longer work full time.
I just need to get Austin through school.
I need to get this last birdie grown and out of the nest... and then I will adjust my standard of living according to what i'm able to do.
But right now, I'm mad.
I don't want another 8 weeks of this coughing and choking and fighting for air.
I don't want another 8 weeks of exhaustion and not being able to do anything except work and sleep.

Today austin and I went to pick up my paycheck... ran some unavoidable errands... and we've been back home just chilling out since then.
My butt has been glued to this chair for the past 48 hours and I am not getting any better. I'm worse.
I've got plans to make some homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner but I don't feel like getting up and doing the chopping and dicing and so forth.
I splurged on a new blender today - I had been doing so good with the breakfast smoothie and since our blender bit the dust a few weeks ago, I've not had a single healthy breakfast.
I know that even though there are some things that are out of my control as far as staying well, I can eat better and that can only help.
I've played a thousand games of "petdazzled" on SuperPoke pets.
I'm headachey so it's hard to focus on reading, otherwise, I'd work on my bible study course that I'm doing right now.
Austin is bored.
Tasha has been calling every ten minutes. Apparently she's bored.
I need to exfoliate.
That has nothing to do with anything else I've said, I just thought of it.
Oh... and I'm having this mental disconnect... random thoughts.
When I stopped by the office to get my check today, everyone was on the phone... but they all just glared at me.
Made me sort of feel "damned if I do, damned if I don't"... If I went to work sick, they'd be freaking out about me being contagious. If I don't go... well, everyone has to take up the slack.

But at least I get to watch Guiding Light another time or two before it goes off the air. I can remember eating boxed kraft macaroni and cheese with stewed tomatoes and watching Guiding Light when I was a little bitty girl with my mom. I watched Guiding Light every afternoon after school growing up. I watched Guiding Light every Friday afternoon when I worked the 4 1/2 days a week schedule at Life of Georgia for 11 years. I watched Guiding Light through two preterm labor bedrests and three maternity leaves and I don't know how many sick days with sick babies. I watched Guiding Light while watching kids after school while I was a stay at home mom - along with koolaid and cookies. I stopped watching around the time of my first divorce... too busy... the acting and storyline was tired and cheesy. It still is. But it's almost over.

Ok... letsee... gotta make this post less whiny and more interesting.... hmmm... I've got nothing. Think it's time for a nap. Love and socially distanced hugs, y'all!

brother, can you spare a dime?

Ok... I'm scotch taping my picture on a virtual mason jar and setting it on the counter of the Cyber convenience store... let's see what happens... we'll call this a "social experiment" to compensate for my voluntary "social distancing" due to having a "socially unacceptible" communicable disease - which is unpleasant but NOT swine flu (as some of Austin's classmates had suggested).

Here's what you do: put a quarter - I know the heading said, "spare a dime" but it's been sixty years since that slogan was popular, inflation, you know? Put a quarter in an envelope and mail it to my office -

1094 Historic Hwy 441, Demorest, GA 30535.

It will be a fun social experiment... and it might also buy us a fruit and yogurt parfait for breakfast... a bean burrito for lunch...

Feel free to forward this to your friends and say, "you won't believe what this crazy girl is doing"...

I'm staying home and sparing my co-workers and clients from my infectious self. And praying for healing.

Have a great Tuesday, friends!