My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

coming up on an important anniversary!

It was very interesting to me yesterday that my brother asked “what day was it when you moved here?”… my mother’s birthday… the 26th… he said, “I can’t believe it’s been a year”. Me either. He didn’t ask what day “it” happened…. He asked what day I moved. Ultimately, that's what matters the most.

A year has gone by. A year of trials and tribulations, without a doubt, but mostly a year of healing. Some things still hurt, I guess they always will.
I work really hard to not gather my hurts together and pull them out to play with. I’ve worked really hard at submitting them to the Lord and letting Him use them to make me into who He means for me to be. I work really hard to recognize the amazing work that God has done in my life.

I work hard to keep an intellectual perspective on things and to rationalize when I start to grieve… what did I lose? I lost the grip of destruction that Satan had on my life. I lost the fear that gripped my heart every time I heard Michael’s footsteps coming up the stairs to the condo – worrying what I had forgotten to do that would cause him to be angry with me that day. Worrying that there would be a confrontation between him and Austin. Worrying that one way or another my rights would be violated and I would have to choose to fight or to suffer in silence. Worrying that I didn't even recognize myself any more. Instead of losing a loving relationship, I lost the constant feeling of rejection and loneliness and frustration and longing – desperation to be loved the way he promised to love me. Truly, that was not the life God meant for me to live. When I think about it, when I pray about it, I am reassured that God had bigger and better things in store for me. He is showing me more and more of that plan every day.

Sometimes, though, you just have to feel the emotion. Sometimes you can’t apply logic to what you feel. Sometimes I have to let it wash over me and I have to be honest with myself – and with God – that I still feel the bitter sting of rejection. I still feel the disappointment that things didn’t turn out the way I planned. I have faith that God will sustain me, just as He has shown me for the past year. He has been faithful. He has grown me in ways I never could have imagined. I have faith that He has chosen better for me. I have hope. A year ago, I couldn’t have said that. Sometimes you have to measure yourself against the past to appreciate how far you’ve come… that’s what I try to do.

My growth is not stunted but there are parts of me that are renewed and changed forever by the path I followed. I'm not who I would have been had I never met, fell in love with and married Michael. thank God I'm not who I would have been... so I am not sad... But sometimes, I just need to be quiet. Sometimes when the feeling is too deep for words, I just retreat to a quiet place. I think I've been in that quiet place for the past week or two of being sick. I wonder if being sick didn't coincide with this anniversary for a reason.

The day I got out of the hospital my mom told my cousin that I was fine now… that as long as I was away from Michael I would be happy and healthy. My cousin (wisely) told my mother that whatever was broken in me that allowed me to be treated the way he treated me… that would take a long time to heal. To be able to value myself enough to never accept that from anyone… when I think about a year passing… that’s what I think about… am I healed in that way? So I’m not grieving so much as I am reflecting… measuring… aware… taking inventory…

I'm not who I should be yet, but thank God, I'm not who I was...

that's all for now... love and hugs, y'all...

3 comments:

Sherry said...

I have read your blog since AOL...... do not comment much, but I must say you have came a long way, and as you said, even if your not there yet you are on the right road and the Lord is your guidence. I am so impress with you...... hugs, Sherry

Dawn said...

I think that line says it all 'I am not yet who I want to be,but I am not WHO I WAS.' THAT is awesome.

You know you deserve better now.

Good for you...

be well...

Lainey Laine said...

Awwwwww hugs to you and you certainly have come a long way!!! Laine xxxx