My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Friday, July 31, 2009

weekend countdown

Just over four hours until the weekend. My weekend isn’t so much of a weekend this week, though, as I am definitely, one hundred percent certain to work tomorrow morning. I don’t MIND working Saturday mornings, mind you… but it does take away from my vegetative time. My quiet Friday night will be sacrificed to Austin and his best cousin. I don’t MIND having Austin’s cousin over… because truly, this was one of the big reasons for me to move here. It just means that I won’t have my usual peace and quiet. I went on lunch and bought Pringles for them. Austin has also requested cheeseburgers for dinner. I suggested Creekside Deli – this quaint little mom and pop place that is literally creekside near our home in Cleveland. Austin said no… they want to make their own. So it’s a do-it-yourself cheeseburger end of the summer bonding session for Auggie and Devvie. And then mom will get up on Saturday morning while they’re hopefully still sleeping and drag herself to the office to hopefully make some money that will make having less vegetative time worth it.

I ran some errands in Cornelia on lunch and it was crazy. This is a no sales tax weekend in Georgia… which makes no sense to me… we’re having to furlough teachers to balance the budget but we’re giving a sales tax free weekend? Between no sales tax and it being the day that everyone gets their guv’ment check… the Walmart was packed. I thought that with the opening of the new Walmart in Cleveland that the Cornelia Walmart would not be as busy. It was complete insanity! I needed a money order (remember my Kmart ordeal?) and since there were two cashiers, I got in the shorter line… all of a sudden this seasoned citizen with a shopping cart near about took my right hip off. I was so startled. I said, “oh dear! Was there just one line?” And another lady laughed. I don’t know why people can’t use words to communicate… running over someone with a shopping cart was pretty stiff punishment for not knowing the system. It’s a tough world out there!

Then as I was leaving… I watched the same car almost back into two other cars in two separate incidents. I promise… we get more claims from accidents in the parking lot of the Walmart than all other locations combined. I don’t know if it’s the angle of the parking places or the fact that it’s always busy and crowded and people drive aggressively… I just know that it’s muy loco. Finally, after the second time of this same car (a Jeep Grand Cherokee – same as Michael’s car – at least the same as the one he used to have – who knows what he’s driving now!) a pedestrian got in front of the car where he could make eye contact with the driver and motioned for him to back out when it was safe. Then someone else almost backed up over me as I was walking! I decided to play it safe and walked in the inside of the parking places – although you have to walk through a lot of oil, at least it was sorta safe. Safer, anyways.

Last week I spent a long time helping a widow figure out how to handle her homeowners insurance since her husband passed away and he was the only one on the loan. I spent a lot of time talking to the mortgage company… I emailed Mary (who is a paralegal and therefore knows a lot of random legal stuff) and just basically tried to put things together for the lady. I had to have pictures of the house, though, because it’s older, so we couldn’t do the insurance that day. She came back today and we finished things up and she was so relieved to have that weight off of her shoulders. She said, “I love you! I’m so relieved to have that taken care of!” She was a young widow… her husband died of emphysema and some liver disorder. Michelle, I couldn’t help but think of the whole AAT connection with Tony. They never got a liver diagnosis for her husband but they know that was a contributing factor to his death. He was 42. I had talked to this lady last week after I had my CT scan so she asked what results we got. She wanted to know what pulmonologist I’m seeing and gave me some pointers.

Part of my research into this whole issue (via Dr. Google and Dr. Yahoo) has shown that the main difference in what I have – with the scar tissue vs. damage from smoking is that smokers see damage from the top of the lungs working their way down. Mine started at the bottom and sides. The doctor’s office called back this morning to see if I was going to be able to come in today to be re-evaluated – they want to recheck my blood and see how my chest sounds now and blah blah blah. I want to go back when I can see the doctor I’ve been seeing. They gave me an appointment for Monday. Nothing like having your doctor’s office hunt you down first thing in the morning. My cough is worse today than it’s been in awhile and I have the whole blisters in the back of the throat phenomenon. Good times! Salty food – spicy food – rough food – all on my “don’t touch” list for now. I don’t really FEEEEEL bad as far as being tired. My chest is tight, like I can’t draw in a full breath. I hate to admit it but I felt better while I was on the steroids.

So… now there are three hours left.

Happy Weekend, y’all.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

updates based on my comments...

*hugs* to Mary... I didn't know Doug was going through all he was going through at the time but it breaks my heart now to know that you both had to deal with that... I have no patience for that sort of thing... ultimately, though, we know that God had something to teach you in that process and I know that you guys are stronger in your faith because of it and stronger in your marriage because of it. Truly, God is good.

And thanks to Michelle for sharing with me today about her husband's illness and the process they went through in his diagnosis.

And to Sheryl (or Eric? I suspect it was Sheryl) for sharing with me about the clothing giveaway. I think that will benefit Austin and his little girlfriend Tasha. Her mom is home during the workday so hopefully she'll be able to take them. I showed Tasha the article and I think she knows where it is. she's a smart girl.

Honestly, I am so grateful for the local food pantry. It never occurred to me to go but since Austin's been bringing by the extras from Tasha's family... my pantry is FULL! I eat a lot of beans and rice.... and I have enough to last me for a month. I also eat a lot of peanut butter... and I have two new jars of peanut butter. It helps me focus on putting money toward other things. I always sort of thought of the food pantry as being for people who had NOTHING... but certainly, there are weeks that I'm counting out change for gas. God has always. ALWAYS met my needs. Every day He gives us our daily bread. But lately... He's also giving us our daily rice, beans and peanut butter. God is good. I'm learning to accept those sort of gifts with humility... and I look forward to the day that I will be in a position to help others because truly, I have learned what it means to be in need!

At any rate... I have an appointment with the pulmonologist on August 12th. I have a new symptom of sort of a heartburn - raw throat - which could be a side effect of the inhaler or who knows. I thought it was just the bbq we had yesterday but it's lingered today. Good thing beans and rice are bland, right? I talked to the referral nurse today and she recommended/agreed with me that I'm better off waiting until Monday to see the doctor I've already been seeing. She was going to have them call in a cough medicine but ultimately, the things that work are too strong for me to take and work anyways. Thank God for halls.

So there's that.

Austin and Tasha came to have dinner with me tonight! I had a pork roast in the crockpot and I heated up some baked beans and dug a can of sweet potatoes out of the pantry. They don't care. They just want to play the Wii.

And I want to catch up on facebook, blogger, twitter, the Big brother house... have a good evening!

thankful thursday but it's more like whiny wednesday, the sequel

My internet is slow and it’s driving me nuts. It was this way yesterday. Hard to get anything done. Especially if you’re already a.d.d. and have trouble keeping focus. By the time the screen updates, I’ve forgotten what I was doing there.

The dr. finally called with the CT scan results. They determined that the granulomas in my lungs were caused by unresolved disease in the past, probably during childhood. I don’t remember being sick much as a child. I can remember one bad spell in ninth grade and maybe a few cases of strep throat but I don’t remember much upper respiratory sickness. Not like my kids had, anyways. My kids were always at the doctor! There was always a bottle of that pink bubble gum amoxicillin goop in my fridge. We had the breathing machine and the inhalers and all that stuff… forever…

From what they told me today, typically they will leave granulomas alone, just monitor them periodically, until they cause trouble. Considering the unresolved bronchialstupidity (my name for my illness) that I’ve dealt with since June… my granulomas are considered a problem. They are referring me to a pulmonologist. Honestly, I suspect it will be a matter of me missing half a day of work to have a pulmonologist say, “it’s no big deal” and wonder what I’m doing wasting his time keeping him from seeing the people whose lungs are so bad that they’re on oxygen and stuff. I am jumping through the medical hoops where this is concerned.

Since the doctor I’ve been seeing throughout this process is on vacation, I’m sorta letting it ride for now, sucking on my cough drops and biding my time. If the pulmonologist visit is not going to be for several weeks and I am still coughing next week, I’ll go in and see the doctor that I’ve already seen. I just don’t want to start from square one again. It does kinda aggravate me to have a doctor tell me on last Wednesday that if I’m still having symptoms this week that I need to come back and see her… knowing that she was going to be on vacation… I’m just frustrated. I want microwave / drive thru service on everything. I’ve done my part by going to the doctor and spending my money (and once again, thank God for health insurance) and taking my medicine and so I should feel better. End of story. I don’t have time for this.

This week, however, has flown by. We’re having Cousin Devin spend the night on Friday night for what Austin is calling their “end of summer blow out”. He has asked for Pringles and root beer and has actually helped clean house to get ready for it. As I’ve mentioned previously, Devin is the LOUDEST child I know… and Devin and Austin together are louder than a rock concert. I’m working Saturday. This time I mean it. I really need to get some extra hours in, even if I’m just saving up comp time for later. So I’ll probably have a Saturday evening meltdown… Honestly, it’s really Austin’s turn to spend the night at Devin’s – I’ve taken the last two times – and we haven’t had him over in awhile because I was hoping they would offer. They haven’t. Even though they have a much bigger house and have four adults living there to supervise them. And stuff for them to actually do. And room for them to shoot bb guns. But that’s how it works sometimes. Austin really wants to see Devin so I’ll suck it up and deal with the noise for one night.

We’re finally getting a neighbor in the other side of our duplex – a 79 year old woman. I hope she moves in after Friday night. Otherwise… I hope she’s hard of hearing. Her daughter and son-in-law stopped to talk to Austin last night. I’m not real neighborly – not that I’m a bad neighbor, I’m just sorta unsociable. I’m not the kind of girl that goes visiting the neighbors. I did when my kids were young and when I didn’t work. Now I pretty much just want to go home and not have to talk to people at the end of the day. I don’t want to have the obligatory neighborly interaction. Now… having said that… it could do me some good to come out of my unsociable shell.

The new Walmart in town opened up yesterday. I haven’t been by there yet (not being a fan of Walmart OR crowds) but at least when I do need something from Walmart, it won’t mean a drive to Cornelia or to Gainesville. Austin and Tasha went. He bought her some Pringles. She helped him pick out some jeans. Remember three years ago when Austin was tee-tiny and wore a boys’ size 12? He now wears a 36 waist. He’s a big boy. Big ole country boy. Big ole country boy whose dad has slacked on child support again. I guess since he’s only seen Austin twice in the past year he doesn’t realize how much it costs to feed and clothe him. Although, admittedly, he eats more at Tasha’s than at home. Tasha’s family had some food donated

This morning I was loading the washer and discovered that he had used bleach to clean his bathroom and left the rag covered in bleach on top of his BEST outfit. I can hardly keep him in clothes based on his quickly increasing size… when you factor in the clothes he ruins by stupidity… this rag soaked through his shirt and his best khaki shorts that I had JUST bought before camp. I can’t keep up with him. Ryan and Cody were pretty much the same size and both were pretty particular about their clothes. Austin just doesn’t care. Never has. I need to make a good thrift store run for him.

School starts on August 7th! This summer really flew by… I guess partly because I’ve been feeling bad for the last month. Angie and the girls (and Jessie) are going to New Orleans on Sunday to see Eli’s family. Eli, you may remember, is Sarabeth’s future husband and the precious kid who used to make me say, “Go Noles” as a password whenever I’d try to pick Jamie up from class. They moved to NOLA at the end of May. They just had a new baby – their sixth – a girl – now they have three boys and three girls. Eli got really sick last weekend and had a seizure. They found a tumor in his brain. It seems to be benign but they’re doing more testing. He’s 5. At any rate… they’ll get back on Wednesday and then Sarabeth starts first grade on Friday. Austin will be in tenth grade. It goes by so fast.

Oh well. Time for me to focus on my cold calling that I’m doing and HATING today. I’m not a good telemarketer. Hope you have a great day. *Hugs*

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

God's Embroidery (author unknown)

God's Embroidery-

When I was little, my mother used to sew a great deal. I would sit at her knee and look up from the floor and ask what she was doing. She informed me that she was embroidering. As from the underside I watched her work within the boundaries of the Little round hoop that she held in her hand, I complained to her that it sure looked messy from where I sat. She would smile at me, look down and gently say, "Son, you go about your playing for a while, and when I am finished with my embroidering, I will put you on my knee and let you see it from my side." I would wonder why she was using those dark threads along with the pretty bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from my view. A few minutes would pass, and then I would hear Mother's voice say, "Son, come and sit on my knee." This I did only to be surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower or a sunset. I could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then Mother would say to me, "My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a plan on the top. It was a design. I was only following it. Now look at it from my side.Many times through the years I have looked up to heaven and said, "Father, what are You doing?" He has answered, "I am embroidering your life." I say, "But it looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can't they all be bright?" The Father seems to tell me, "'My child, you go about your business of doing My business, and one day I will bring you to Heaven and put you on My knee and you will see the plan from My side."Author Unknown

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

cloning myself...

I’m feeling sorta stressed and overwhelmed today. There just isn’t enough of me to go around.

I need one of me to work my job full time and have the energy to be an enthusiastic sales person to make the big bucks and be able to keep the bills paid. Let’s call her “Career Woman Heather”. She might even have time for the second job that I’m going to need to pay for going to Cody’s wedding next Spring, car maintenance that needs to be done, school clothes for Austin and so forth.

I need one of me to get Austin ready for school to start back, to break some of the slacker habits he’s developed over the summer, to ride his back until he gets his room cleaned and does the things he needs to do. It took two hours to get his half bath cleaned last night. After that – I was over it. Let’s call this girl, “PTA Mom Heather”. She will be leaving work early today to attend his Open House that is scheduled in the middle of the workday for some stupid reason.

I need one of me to maintain my household… to sort through the stack of bills that has piled up… to change lightbulbs and catch up on laundry and vacuum and mop and replace the blinds at the front window that got broken and look so trashy from the street… to take the cat to the vet and dust and put away those last few Christmas decorations that are still sitting on the bookshelf, to dig out the gobs of toilet paper that (for some reason he can’t explain) Austin has crammed down the drain in the bathtub.. This would be “Happy Homemaker Heather”. She needs to go grocery shopping very soon. The closest I’ve gotten to grocery shopping is picking up veggies from the farm stand.

I need one of me to go to all my stupid doctor appointments, to weather the side effects of medications that are supposed to be making me better but aren’t, to withstand the coughing that is now starting to make me feel like every single one of my ribs is broken and that I’ve ripped my stomach muscles apart, to get the kind of rest I need to shake this bronchialstupidity that is dragging me down. She will also need to go for the teeth cleaning and the mammogram and the counseling that I should have been going to for the past year to help maintain my sanity. She is “Healthy Heather”. She has the time to endure long waits at the doctor’s office… to go back in for blood work and repeat blood work and xrays and CT scans and all the other diagnostic games that I’m having to play lately.

Oh… and it would be nice if there was one of me to handle the self-maintenance – to manage a decent mani-pedi, to get a haircut, to get my brows waxed, to shave my legs and maybe see what a nice hot bath actually feels like. It’s been a long time. Self-maintenance me could maybe handle some social interaction by actually responding to texts, emails and phone calls. Self-maintenance Heather could actually do things like exercise, shop for healthy food, join Weight Watchers and attend meetings… she would be a fun girl, indeed!

Maybe sometime in the next few years we’ll be able to introduce other versions such as Travel Heather, Student Heather and so forth. Right now… there’s only one of me and she just isn’t getting the job done.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

she did it!

I was worried that my niece Sarabeth would freeze up when it came time for her baptism today and I'd have to toss her in head first... even us bible thumpin' evangelicals frown on that sort of thing...

I shouldn't have worried.

I ended up leaving my camera at Jim and Angie's so I won't have pictures for you until tomorrow and I got some great pictures... but none of them can really capture how precious that moment was for me.

I should mention that I love being backstage. There is something magical about the excitement of the "behind the scenes" stuff. It's my favorite thing about theatre. I love the adrenaline rush of costume changes and pre-show nerves and making adjustments when things don't go as planned. Nothing beats live theatre and for me, nothing beats being backstage.

I also love to be needed. I need to be needed. I've been a mommy for 22 years. I've been a big sister for 34 years. I'm good in a crisis. I'm good at keeping my head when others lose theirs. I'm good at problem solving.

Today in worship service Angie was leading the music. Jim was doing the baptizing. There needed to be someone with Sarabeth not only to help her change into the baptism robes and then back into her Sunday clothes... there needed to be somebody with Sarabeth who has the ability to calm the nerves that we knew she would have.

So if you combine my love for being behind the scenes and my love for my niece and my pride in her decision to accept Christ and my excitement at being trusted/needed to help Sarabeth with her baptism... it's the perfect storm for me.

When I walked out of my Sunday School room this morning... Angie was standing there on the brink of tears... her nerves raw... Sarabeth was on her way to the sanctuary with her dad and she was starting to freak out a bit. I hugged Angie... told her not to worry about it... "I've got it, don't worry"... and left her to go practice with the choir. I caught up with Jim and Sarabeth - she was dressed in her pretty girly green easter dress - and you could see the relief on her face.

Sarabeth is a bit of a worrier. I think it's partly from being the firstborn of two firstborn children. Overachievers and all that. I'm much more relaxed - being in the less demanding role of second born and being a bit carefree by nature. I think Sarabeth relaxes when the people around her relax. I grabbed her hand... we made a quick trip through the sanctuary and greeted our family (taking up a row and a half) and set down my purse and bible.... and headed "backstage".

Let me just say that I'm really proud of my boys. They are so good at the familial obligatory stuff! All three were there, which is quite a feat considering that Ryan lives in Pennsylvania and Cody lives in Atlanta. It was really more the hand of God in that Ryan is running a job in Tampa this week and his boss was kind/considerate enough to fly Ryan to Atlanta this past Friday to allow him a weekend at "home" before flying him to Tampa on Monday. Sometimes it just comes together that way. My 85 year old grandmother also drove herself "over the mountain" from North Carolina to be there. That's also pretty awesome, if you think about it.

Sarabeth and I went back into the tiny little bathroom beside the baptistry and changed her into her little white short set that she was to wear under her great big baptism robe. Then we went out to take a peek at the baptistry... to test the water (it was cold!) ... and to put that great big robe on her. I told her it looked like a graduation robe and sang a little Pomp and Circumstance to her. We giggled. We danced. We took pictures. No stress.

Her dad was on the other side of the baptistry across from us as the service started. The first praise song started and we sang along and danced and played. Bubba danced and sang on the other side. No stress. No nerves. Just lots of giggles and hugs and lighthearted silliness. We were singing, "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord..." and we did. In some ways I wish I could spend every worship service as uninhibited as Sarabeth and I were dancing around backstage. We are, however, baptist. Not stiff "First Baptist" baptists... but not quite pentecostal to the extent of the bootie shaking and roof raising we were doing before Sarabeth's baptism.

For our faith, baptism is symbolic of following Christ's example. The conversion happens outside of the water in acknowledging the deity and the trinity and so on and so forth... but a public profession of faith followed by baptism as an act of obedience is important. It's not the water that saves, but the water that offers us one of our first opportunities to serve Him. It's very easy to say the words that you believe in God, that you believe Jesus was His son who came to earth and died on the cross to pay the debt for our sins. It's harder to have the humility to handle the public part of obedience. To have the courage as a small child to stand up and say you believe in God and want to follow Christ in baptism... I think it's just incredible.

But I've been telling you guys for a long time just how incredible my nieces are.

Jim went into the (cold) water... said his spiel (no disrespect, it was lovely and all, but my focus was on making sure Sarabeth didn't get cold feet)... he prayed a prayer... and beckoned for Sarabeth. She had no fear... no hesitation... and unlike the week before when we had skid marks in the carpet from dragging her down the aisle... she went willingly. She chattered a bit... the water was cold... Jim shared the story of her phone call to him in Africa to say, "Daddy, I asked Jesus into my heart and I want you to baptize me". Which still chokes me up. And so he baptized her. I got some great shots... and if any of us cried, I didn't notice. I was busy grabbing towels to wrap her in when she came out of the water.

Back into the tiny bathroom to towel off and warm up... back into her pretty green easter dress... more giggles and silliness... then I took her up to Children's church. Mission accomplished! I joined my family in the sanctuary.

After church I picked up the girls from their classes and with much logistical confusion, we all loaded up in cars and went to Jim and Angie's for lunch catered in from North Georgia BBQ. Then my dad and my boys and Marquee and Tasha went tubing in Helen while the rest of us enjoyed peanut butter cake and blueberry pie and more pictures and silliness.

It has been a great day!

Friday, July 24, 2009

weekend countdown

One of my favorite songs is on the radio right now… “I’m already gone… I’m feeling strong… I will sing this victory song…”
Especially this line… “so often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key”…. I know I’ve blogged it before. I just really celebrate the concept of breaking chains. There’s a Christian song by Chris Tomlin (who I love… youtube him!) that says, “my chains are gone, I’ve been set free…my God, my Savior, has ransomed me”…. And the Beth Moore study on Breaking Free…. To realize that the things that hold us back are completely within our power to change… is probably the most liberating epiphany we can have.

I don’t believe in the whole “power of positive thinking” thing… it’s more than that. You have to do more than wish something into existence. That’s a great first step. Being able to see beyond your circumstances is incredibly empowering. But there has to be the physical movement on your part. You have to walk outside of whatever prison you’re in… and sometimes… it seems easier to stay with the devil you know than risk the devil you don’t. Only, it’s not really easier.

For some reason, God keeps putting me in situations where I’m challenged to speak a positive word over a negative situation. Just like with Dean… some of these situations yank me out of my comfort zone and force me to revisit issues and feelings I’d rather leave buried. God knows what He’s doing. He knows that these are my opportunities to reconcile some things in my heart and mind. He also knows that I can speak from experience. I didn’t volunteer for the training necessary to be able to comfort someone with a broken heart but I have it… I might as well use it. My goal from the day I woke up and began healing was to be able to share my story in a way that glorified the Healer and didn’t overdramatize the hurt. I can’t tell you that I’ve got it all right yet. I just know that the more I share my story, the more that I see people who are far more interested in the “picking myself up and dusting myself off” part of the story, than they are with the part about how I got knocked down in the first place. Interesting, isn’t it? Don’t we have the tendency to want to make sure people understand just how bad we hurt before we believe that they can possibly have anything constructive to say about healing?

And so I find myself in the path of women who are facing broken marriages.... young girls who are just figuring out who they are... people facing illness... betrayal by friends... and on and on. There is no end to the hurt in this world... the uncertainty... the fear... and I don't have a magic wand or a quick fix but I do know that God gives us what we need each and every day if we love Him and believe in Him and ask Him.

Without a doubt, my self-analysis continues. My analysis of –not just the last relationship – but all of my relationships over the years. It was only the other day that I realized that this is the first time I have been completely unencumbered of any relationship at all with any man at all since junior high school! There has always been some guy… somewhere… who was a romantic interest of some measure… and regardless of the relationship, there was always comfort for me in knowing that there was “somebody” who I considered “my guy”. Here’s the great thing for me… I am finding more comfort in the realization that I am completely content with there being “nobody”. Truly, I’m not without a safety net but there is no designated person who I can expect to see periodically. It definitely has allowed me to grow as a person and figure out what I can do on my own. It’s also allowed me a relationship with God that in the past has always been diverted by other allegiances.

Now the radio is playing “Age of Aquarius”…. “let the sun shine in….” I love it!

Well, this won’t be one of those typical Friday countdown entries. I need to beat the bushes today and scare up some business. We’re almost at the end of the month and I have one life policy sold – but it’s a small one. I need a little more cha-ching so I’ve got to stay focused. Mary, you were right about the steroids making me feel better. I truly do feel better than I have in awhile. I don’t think the roid rage has hit me… I got a little snappy at Austin last night for busting in my bedroom door every five minutes. I said, “just leave the door open…” And I haven’t got the munchies yet either. I’m down a pound since yesterday. Odd, right?

Austin went with his girlfriend’s family to the food pantry yesterday. I knew they were poor but I didn’t realize how poor. I send money every week to help pay for his food and snacks since he’s there from dawn to dark every day. I wish I had more to send… him being there this summer has been such a huge blessing for me. He came home with a box of food for us too. I started to refuse it… rice, dried beans, jelly, peanut butter, pancake mix, syrup… but then I remembered what my bank account looks like and the fact that school starts in two weeks and I’ll be buying school supplies… and I remembered praying on the way home that God would help me stretch my resources. Austin was so proud that he helped. It was really sweet. And it was yet another example of the manna from heaven that falls on us every day. It’s amazing. I don’t want the problems but the truth is that if I never had a problem, I’d never know that God could solve them… (that’s also from a song).

The CT scan went fine this morning. Completely non-invasive. They wanted to do the scan without contrast because –something about calcifications show up more clearly without contrast?– so no IV. The only inconvenience was having to take off my underwire bra… and the creepy tech reminding me to put it back on before I left. Seriously. Like I was going to forget to put my bra on. Oh, and they had moved the imaging center since the last time I was there but it only took me about five minutes to figure out where the new one was. I was in and out in thirty minutes or so and was only five minutes late for work. I call that a pretty effective way of dealing with things.

Need to get my game face on… seven hours until the weekend!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

my tragic day

Today I went to the doctor and she prescribed me steriods to help the inflammation in my lungs. I'm looking forward to being aggressive and eating a lot. My life is average.

I'm KIDDING! About the second part, anyways.

I actually debated the steroids for thirty minutes and made her double check to see how they would interact with the other medications I'm on. She also prescribed two inhalers. One is a daily inhaler and the other is a rescue inhaler. We'll do this for a week... have the CT scan to get a better idea of what the stuff inside my lung is... she did a bunch of blood work... so we'll review all of that stuff and then next week she'll decide if I need more/different antibiotics, a referral to the pulmonologist, and so on and so forth. I am not looking forward to sterioids. The thought behind it is that everything is all swollen and inflamed and so forth. She thinks if we can get that under control then the cough will stop.

So that was exciting. While i was in the Rite Aid getting my drugs, Cody called and said, "MOM... you have got to put oil in your car"... so I wandered over to the automotive section... and then went... "uh... what kind of oil do I need?" Cody didn't know. He tried to tell me how to find out but I was just overwhelmed at the prospect of actually trying to lift my hood in front of the Rite Aid and I was using up my precious minutes on my go-phone so with a little encouragement from Marquee, "If I can do it, you can do it!" we hung up.

I texted my oldest son, Ryan, my big brother and my friend Cory (who knows about car stuff) with the question, "what kind of oil should my car take?" and they all three texted back with the same answer so I figured it must be right. I bought two quarts of that kind of oil. I looked for one of those funnel dealies, thinking it must surely be important (I've never added oil myself but I have observed it a time or two) and couldn't find one.

Out of the three meds I was supposed to fill today, the drugstore had one. Joy. The steroids. Great. Once again, thank God for health insurance. So far this week I have filled over $200 worth of medications and paid $15. With two to go.

I had sent Austin a text that I was coming to pick him up. I got to Tasha's and he didn't come out. I blew the horn. I called. Nothing. Her mom's car was not there. Although the oil light was no longer on, I was afraid to let the car keep running so I went home.

I called my oldest son and had him talk me through the process of putting oil in my car. That's the short version. The long version of the story includes me being totally retarded and not even knowing how to open the hood of my car. Seriously. It was tragic. It took him ten minutes to talk my through that first step. He gave me this scary warning about not spilling oil on the engine block so - since I didn't have one of those funnel dealies, I fashioned one for myself using a dominos pizza ad.

But, in keeping with the tragedy of the day... first, the light was burned out in the kitchen so I couldn't turn on the light to fix my funnel. Then... the scotch tape I was using to hold the paper in a funnel shape wouldn't come off the roll. It kept shredding. Ryan kept telling me not to worry about it and his friend in the car with him was trying to provide emotional support... but it was just ridiculous. Eventually... I pulled it off.

Then... unscrewing the cap was tricky. I was shaking... just touching an engine. I am not mechanically inclined.

I should mention that during this process my brother sent me a text saying, "It goes in the spot on the engine that says oil. Its not the dipstick. You unscrew it". Yes. My family thinks I'm a complete idiot. I think I could probably have figured that out. Ok. I will admit. I didn't know you didn't put it in the place where the dipstick goes until Cody told me earlier while I was going through the whole, "what kind of oil" dilemma back at the Rite Aid.

At any rate... I managed to put oil in the car and am praying that this will keep me chugging until I can get it done by someone who knows what they're doing. Afterwards, I had black stuff under my fingernails and felt like I had really accomplished something. First I unstop the toilet and then I add oil. OH! And yesterday I hooked the computer up! I'm becoming totally butch! I'm practically a guy! Once I add the steroids I will be able to pee standing up!

So that's my tragic day. Ultimately, not so tragic at all.

And... just a few minutes ago I got a call from Austin (did you forget he was still AWOL during this whole process?). Tasha twisted her knee and they had spent the afternoon in the emergency room. She has to see an orthopedic surgeon tomorrow. Oddly, I had not been concerned about him. Honestly, I just thought they decided to go to her church and forgot her phone or something. Alert DFCS. I'm the worst mom ever. But I can add oil to my car.

This may be the last pleasant post from me for the next week. Hope you enjoyed it. Love and hugs!

wednesday (wish I could come up with some interesting titles, sorry!)

Wednesday already! I leave early today… 3:45… which makes me super happy… even though I’m going from work to the doctor. Austin wants to go to church tonight and it will really depend on what time I get out of the doctor. My oil light is coming on in my car so I have to get the oil changed. I don’t know how to check the oil. I don’t want to mess it up. There is an oil changing place right near the office. I plan to take the car tomorrow. It has to hang in there with me until tomorrow. But I am a little worried about driving the extra twenty mile round trip to church in between now and then. The light just came on. Just barely blinked. It’s not really on even. I’m just so paranoid about these things. As I was telling a friend today, “it stinks to be poor and hired out”. I just really need someone in my life to take care of all the details of things for me so that I can be at work every minute I can and make as much money as I can to pay for all these details. Living Single, complaint #1!

I have to go to Gainesville – an extra hour plus worth of driving – on Friday for my CT scan so I have no choice but to get the car taken care of tomorrow. Or today if I can find a place still open after I get out of the doctor’s office. Everybody here keeps bankers hours – except us – so it’s nigh to impossible to handle things before or after work. I have another little matter I have to take care of that I haven’t been able to because it requires time away from the office, which I just can’t afford.

Ok. You get the point. It’s stressful to be single and not have the resources of time and money and energy that you need to take care of all the things you have to do. Which is why my house is a mess. End of whine.

Yesterday I worked through lunch. We had two people out and I volunteered to take the last lunch (between 2 and 3) but then the two people before me left later than they were supposed to and it was going to be 2:20 before I could even leave. Angie and the girls wanted to take me to lunch and since I couldn’t go at a real lunch time they brought me something to eat and visited for a few minutes here in the office with me. They’re going to Cheer Camp this week at the high school and they were so durn cute trying to show me their toe-touches! I think Jamie has more of the cheerleader build than Sarabeth does. Sarabeth is so lanky. Jamie is more compact and thick, sort of like a gymnast.

We finally got a reception desk (after nine months of needing one) and the guys from the office supply store set it up but didn’t reconnect the computer. Duane was busy so I went ahead and did it. It was a nice break in the day for me… even though it entailed some crawling around on the floor. And I felt incredibly accomplished after doing it. I even did the victory arm-pump. It sort of made up for the mental interruption in the day that I normal enjoy with my lunch hour.

I was teasing with Sarabeth – who already has a touch of the wry Gant wit – about my fear that she’ll freeze up on Sunday and we’ll end up having to hog tie her to get her baptized. She played along and pretended to be stiff as a board while I pretended to dunk her. She even made a really good pretend “scared to death” face. I loved it. I won’t love it as much if she really does it. Some kids go limp when they don’t want to do something. Sarabeth gets stiff.

In completely unrelated news: I’m completely smitten with Jeff from Chicago on Big Brother. It will be a sad day for me when he gets voted off. He and Jordan are the best Big Brother showmance ever. She’s dumber than a box of rocks but they’re cute. I also watched Hell’s Kitchen last night although it really stressed me out. I can’t handle all the yelling. It’s such an unhealthy work place. I also really worried about the fat guy with the heart problem. He didn’t seem to have lost any weight since last year. Who am I to judge… but still… if it was unhealthy a year ago… it looks like it would still be…

Yesterday my very thin co-worker asked me if I had lost any weight with the wisdom tooth recovery. My reply, “You would think…” Not really. I haven’t been eating much and I’ve been eating (mostly) (I would say 70/30) healthy but I’m not really seeing much weight loss. Ok. No weight loss. No gain. I’m exactly the same. A few things are a bit looser but nothing to really get excited about. It is what it is. I care far more at this moment about not being able to breathe easily than I care about how my butt looks in my big girl jeans. Nobody is looking at it anyways.

Stubby the 3legged Wondercat has a new trick… he has become Kamikaze Kitty. When I’m walking through the kitchen (or anywhere but it happens most often in the kitchen) he will throw himself flat right in my path like he’d been runover by a steamroller. I’ve tripped on him a few times. You would THINK he’d want to avoid getting stepped on. It’s like he’s saying, “Goodbye cruel world!” It would be the equivalent of me running out in front of a dump truck. Ok. Maybe the ratios are a bit different but… geez. He also has decided that we need to bond whenever I’m in the bathroom. If he hears one little tinkle, he comes running and merowing. And it’s “MERRRROW” not “meow”. He also says, “No”. Usually whenever Austin is trying to pick him up. I’ll try to videotape it so you won’t think I’m crazy.

I have a grumpy client insisting to hold. It’s annoying because it keeps me tied up until I’m able to connect his call. Because I’m… so busy. I guess I should get busy.
Shout out to my friend Michelle who called me today to share this word of scripture that made her think of me. I love it!
Psalm 61:2 (New King James Version)
2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Monday, July 20, 2009

monday

It’s Monday. What else can I say?

I’m really in a great frame of mind… but so very tired. I slept until 9am yesterday, had a great nap yesterday afternoon and went to bed early and I’m still sleepy. I’m thinking the sleepiness is connected somehow with the cough that won’t go away. I called the doctor again today and said, “hey… it’s me again, for the fourth week in a row… and I’m still coughing up stuff… and do I need another antibiotic?” Which kinda aggravated me because either (a) this stuff isn’t bacterial so it’s not responding to an antibiotic or (b) JUST LIKE IN THE PAST… the only antibiotic that works on me is that stupid levaquin and/or a shot of rocephin and either way I feel like I’ve wasted my time on pills that aren’t going to work. I had to be on an antibiotic for the teeth anyways so it was ok for the first round… but the second round just seems so unnecessary. And I’m really tired of having to have a halls in my mouth constantly. I forgot my cough drops this morning and I spent all morning reheating my green tea to keep the junk out of my throat so I could talk to clients and not cough. But we haven’t been real busy today so it hasn’t been bad.

The racetrack gas station has big fountain drinks for seventy two cents but I hate soda. Today I discovered that they have zero calorie peach flavored green tea. It’s really good. Totally worth seventy two cents.

Yesterday was ten months. Time sure does fly when you’re having fun!

Sarabeth is going to be baptized next Sunday. She accepted Christ during vacation bible school but then since her grandparents were in NYC the last week of June, they held off on baptism until this next week. (Our church does baptism once a month… because we believe that the baptism itself is an act of obedience, not the means of salvation… so therefore it is important but doesn’t actually save you. If you have questions, email me!). Traditionally, when someone accepts Christ, they make a public profession of faith and declare themselves a candidate for baptism. So yesterday, Sarabeth needed to go through the process of going forward in church at the invitation time and so on and so forth. Sarabeth is quite shy. Jamie would have run up to the front and grabbed the microphone and sung a song… you could see the skid marks in the carpet from Angie walking Sarabeth up the aisle like we were forcing her into a cult. It’s something they’ll laugh about when she’s older… but yesterday it was painful to watch… I mean, Sarabeth’s parents preach and lead worship service. Jim was shy growing up but he’s comfortable now in front of people. Angie worries about what people think but she’s not shy. Sarabeth saw that packed out church and froze. Jim tried to help her out by picking her up and ended up hiking her skirt up and so she was mortified at flashing the congregation. And then… once someone joins the church… they have them stand up front so people can “extend the right hand of Christian fellowship”… which means shake their hand and welcome them and whatever. I went to pick Jamie up from her class so she could come by and shake sister’s hand… but by the time I waded through the crowd and waited at the door and got back into the sanctuary, Sarabeth was over the whole process. They dismiss the little ones ONE AT A TIME for safety sake so it takes forever. It’s still worth it to see Jamie’s face light up when they say, “Aunt Heather’s here…”
So next week Sarabeth’s daddy will baptize her and Aunt Heather will go back into the baptistery with her to help her get ready and to take pictures from that angle. Angie is leading music next week so she has to be out front. I hope Sarabeth doesn’t freeze up at time for baptism. I’d hate for it to look like we’re dragging the poor kid kicking and screaming into the faith. “Here Jim… you grab her legs and I’ll hold her head under until she’s good and buried with Christ in baptism, then we’ll raise her up to walk in the newness of life”. Oh man. It’s gonna be something. At least that way… if I’m mushy from watching her get baptized, I’ll have the opportunity to fix my mascara before I go back into the worship service.

We went to lunch at the little Mexican restaurant in Helen after church. The kids sat at their own table. I looked up and Jamie was ordering for them. She’s 4. Like I said, not shy.
I started this entry right after lunch at it’s almost the end of the day. Gonna post and finish up my stuff.

The doctor called back. She wants to see me again. Says I shouldn’t still be coughing. Wants to try something else. I have an appointment for Wednesday. Oh joy.

More later, maybe.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

my life is average

Random thoughts from today:

I dropped Austin and his girlfriend off at the theatre to see Harry Potter and went to run errands. The kids think I was being super sacrificial and allowing them some privacy. I really didn't want to see the movie.

I'm still coughing. I've bought so much cough syrup, I think it would be cheaper to just buy liquor and risk judgment from the baptists.

I've been reading www.mylifeisaverage.com too much. I'm thinking in terms of MLIA constantly.

I bought a salad from the salad bar at Ingles for dinner. I put some extra things on my salad that I normally wouldn't get because I didn't want the woman in front of me to feel rushed.

Austin's girlfriend is afraid of me. I think I'm a nice person. I told her I wasn't scary crazy, that I'm fun crazy, it just takes a little while to see it.

I saw a girl from my Sunday School class at Ingles and pretended not to see her because she was with her kids and I couldn't remember their names. I also didn't want to chat. I also looked really bad.

I saw a man wearing overalls cut off below his knees - like capri overalls - and work boots. My first thought was that I need to remind Mary not to let Doug dress this way. I don't think he ever would but apparently, there's no one in that poor guy's life to tell him not to go out in public that way.

But then again, I wasn't looking too good myself.

A girl whose blog I read (who I've never met) stayed in Jonesboro (where we used to live) last night. I somehow felt closer to her because of that connection. She was just passing through on her way to Florida. I was an hour and a half away from Jonesboro. But we were closer.

I bought the Sunday paper advance edition while I was in civilization today waiting on the kids to finish their movie. I haven't read it yet. It feels like cheating to read it before Sunday.

I bought the Food Network magazine and the Weight Watchers magazine, hoping that they would counteract each other. Then I read the Food Network magazine while eating my salad and thought maybe it would have been better to read the Weight Watchers magazine with the salad and pair the Food Network magazine with the ice cream.

We went to Starbucks today. I almost got high from the smell. I forgot how much I love Starbucks. Then I thought about my friends who have never been to Starbucks and thought maybe I should write a blog entry on Starbucks for rookies. I had an iced green tea and oatmeal. Starbucks sells oatmeal! And it was good! It came with brown sugar and nuts and dried fruit.

I've had the single cup coffee maker for three years. It was one of the gifts that Michael used to lure me into his lair. For three years I've bought the expensive single serve things. The closest place to get them here is at Target. I used my last one yesterday. Target was sold out today so I bought the attachment (for $3.74) to be able to use my own coffee grounds with the machine. Instead of spending $20 for 36 cups of coffee... I spent $8.74. I don't know how many cups that will make but I bet it makes more than 36 at two tablespoons a cup for strong coffee. I made a cup and it was better than the premade cups. I want back all the money I've wasted on coffee in the past three years!

I'm watching a show on the History channel about cheese making. They said, "the art of cheese making is a craft" and I thought for a second that maybe that's where Kraft cheese got it's name. But then I remembered that Kraft was the guy's last name. Making cheese is about using controlled spoilage. That makes me not really want cheese.

Gonna go catch up on the Big Brother house recaps... have a great evening, y'all!

Friday, July 17, 2009

weekend countdown

Weekend countdown… although I’m probably working tomorrow morning…

The radio is playing, “thank you for being a friend…” I love it!

Seven and a half hours to go… one hour of that is lunch… I’m having a smart ones ravioli dinner and yogurt for lunch. Staying in today. I haven’t been getting in as much bible study time as I would like, I need to stay in and really make good use of my time – to strengthen myself mentally and spiritually.

Ryan is planning to come to town next week… in time for Sarabeth’s baptism! I think everyone will be around to see it. I’ve asked David and Katherine to come but it doesn’t look like their schedule will allow. I grew up in a family where we did everything with the mom’s family and nothing with the dad’s family. It makes me sad sometimes that two of my brothers have raised their families that same way – where their kids hardly know us. It also makes me appreciate my sister in law that much more – and how hard she works to include all of us. It makes me a little sad that some of my nieces and nephews don’t get to appreciate what a really awesome aunt I am. Madie will be two in November and she’s never even met me. I cried when she was born, knowing that it would be that way. My great-nephew Ethan is 15 months old (maybe older) and I’ve never met him. I can’t even remember the last time I saw my nephews Cory and Matthew.

It’s sad. But it really is just like the way I grew up. I barely knew my dad’s siblings until I went to work for his brother. I always worry, being the mother of boys, that life will end up that way for me too. It’s always the father’s family that gets sort of cut out of the picture. My boys haven’t been that close with their father’s mother – but then again – their father has nothing to do with his mother either. I tried in the beginning but she was in a really unsafe situation and I had to pull my kids back away from that. Since their grown, my kids have tried to see their grandmother some but it’s hard because the foundation isn’t there. It’s sort of the same for me. I respect my grandmother and I think she’s a neat person and I wish I knew her better but it’s hard now to try to build something that hasn’t been there before. I guess the point is that you can have a large family but not necessarily have a lot of family.

I need to be doing some hardcore marketing today but I’m terribly unmotivated. I want to sleep.
My cough is better. I’m coughing less and when I cough it’s thicker stuff that comes up. Kinda gross but… that’s the only way to explain it. I’m still really tired. I slept a lot last night. I didn’t even get out of bed until 7 this morning! My hair is still wet (three hours later). I need to make up hours tomorrow but I also need to get some hard core sleep time in so my decision about working will be based on that – how tired I am. I have GOT to get some groceries. I stocked up before I had my wisdom teeth done – that was three weeks ago (that I stocked up – it’s been two weeks since I had my teeth done).

I’m still following Big Brother. I still haven’t bought the live feeds. There are enough recap sites out there to be able to know what’s going on without actually watching it. So far I really like Jordan, Casey, Jeff and maybe Michelle (who looks just like Stank-Eyed Shellie!). I am not enjoying the haughty, loud, obnoxious and rude ones this year – Lydia, Jessie, Russell, Ronnie, Natalie, Chima. I was looking for the token gay guy, Kevin, to be funny. Why is it that we expect that of gay men? He’s not funny. He’s boring and has no sense of style. Laura is audacious. She seems like someone who has been told constantly that she’s beautiful and because of this expects people to just automatically acknowledge her fabulousity. I am not feeling it.

It’s sorta quiet in the office today. Theresa is out sick again. Ginger is back but complaining about her back. I’m just sort of disconnected. I’m not depressed – at all – but I’m in a bit of a “less tolerant” mood, where I don’t have a lot of patience for nonsense. Ginger does this martyr thing where she moans and groans and has all these deep sighs where she wants you to feel sorry for her. She’s missed 30 –something days so far this year- and I can’t even tell you how many half days and how many times she’s left early or taken a long lunch due to her various illnesses. Yet she also takes lots of vacation days. She’s scheduled for one next Friday. I almost didn’t schedule my CT scan that day, to keep from there being two of us out… but she’s out so much that it’s impossible to schedule around her. I got burned on that while trying to schedule time to see the oral surgeon. I postponed my visit because she was scheduled out and made it for a later date – and she ended up calling in sick that day too. I might as well have gone earlier. We can absorb her work fairly easily, it’s a little more for me to do but I can handle it. I can have compassion on people for being sick and having chronic illnesses… I guess for me, it’s just a matter of making adjustments to make sure you’re a productive part of the team when you’re well. If you miss two days sick one week, you don’t take a vacation day the next week. Does that make sense? And if you’re missing three days out of a ten day period, you do your best to work as hard as you can in between. That’s my work ethic. I have no patience for less than that.
*and yes, I realize the hypocrisy in that statement as I am typing a blog entry – here’s my rationalization – I type fast and do everything I do fast – I can hurry up and get a lot done and then have a minute to myself. And my other justification is that doing a few things in the course of the day to make the day go faster mean that I’m more productive the rest of the time. Honest.
Less than 7 hours now.
Austin and all the other Myrtle Beach goers will be back at 6:30-ish tonight. I’m trying to decide if I want to go straight from the office to the church or go home first. Probably I’ll go straight to the church and maybe go walk along the river for a minute. It’s pretty in town. We’re expecting reasonable temperatures this weekend – low 80’s.

Chatted with Whitney in Jacksonville a bit this week. I still enjoy her so much! She and her boyfriend are hosting a housewarming party. They’ve been living together for about a year. I asked when they were going to host an engagement party – she said, “we’ve only been dating 2 ½ years”. Kids these days! I laughed… who am I to make any judgment on when folks should get married? Apparently I am no expert! I know enough to know that I have no business being married.

I realized yesterday that this is the first time in my life – well, since I was a teenager – that I haven’t been in some kind of relationship with someone. Post-first marriage I had a couple of guys in my life, maybe not exactly in the way I hoped but they were there. There was one who was around from the end of Robert until the beginning of Michael. This is the first time I’ve had really NOTHING going on with anyone. I don’t mind it, really. Truly, it would be nice for someone else to pay for dinner every now and then… but for the most part… I really like what I have going on here.

I just spilled water all over myself. Lovely.

I went to dinner the other night with a young girl from the college – Jessie. Jessie really needs to meet and fall in love with my oldest son so that she can be part of our family because I adore her. Anyways… she told me about this website, www.mylifeisaverage.com and it is now on my “must read” list for every day. It’s hilarious.

I put blackberries in my smoothie this morning and that was a huge mistake. I’m finding blackberry seeds in every crack and crevice in my mouth. Ick. Recycling. There are wild blackberries growing in our yard and on the path to Jim and Angie’s house. I didn’t use those. I used canned blackberries. Big mistake.

Six and a half hours to go …
Met with a potential new client. Saving her about $500 a year. She wanted to “think about it”. I don’t get it. I understand when our cost is higher, having to think about whether or not the value is there. It is. We’re the best, no question about it. But when you can get the best for less? What is there to think about?

Lunch is cooking in the microwave. 4 hours and 45 minutes to go.

Had lunch. Stayed at the office for the first half of lunch and then just had to get out for a minute. Went and took a nap in the car, under the shade of a tree. It’s cooled off a little bit outside, there’s a storm coming.

I have another “back of the head” headache. I had a round of headaches mid-June…. Hmmm… wonder if there’s a pattern.

I’m so sleepy now.
There are three and a half hours until the weekend.

I’ve decided to just go ahead to the church after work. If they’re early, great. I’ll be there. If they’re late. I’ll nap.

I have eaten the same thing twice in the past two days: smart ones ravioli Florentine. I don’t much like the sauce, but I like the ravioli. I usually leave most of the sauce.

A/c is on in the office now. I’m freezing again. I keep two sweaters here and keep one on most of the time.

I’m not as sleepy now and there are three hours to go. Chest congestion is back. They called me in a cough syrup that worked like magic and it seemed to be keeping the crud at bay but today I’m hacking up hairballs again. It just feels all icky and thick in there again, like I can’t clear my throat. I hate it. I wish they could take a vacuum and suck all the junk out.
Hot tea. That’s what I need.
Be right back.

Two and a half hours. Chatting with the girls in the office. Well. They’re chatting. I’m drinking my hot tea and trying to loosen things up. In my chest, I mean. I think I’m going to try a hot shower later. I’m trying to think of all the things I did with the boys when they were little and had asthma.

Really. I just want to sleep. I’m tired.
This is such a Seinfeld entry. About nothing. I’ll go ahead and post… have a great weekend, y’all!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

feeling groovy

I survived! I woke up this morning feeling ten feet tall and bullet proof again. Yesterday is history. I made it past yet another hurdle/road block/icky reminder and I’m still here. The sun is shining on the magnolia tree right outside my office window. My world is bright and fresh and green and full of hope and wonder and opportunity. Bi-polar much?

I am still coughing but it’s better. My CT scan is scheduled for next Friday. I’ve got it scheduled for early in the morning before work so I shouldn’t miss any time from work. My insurance will pay for it so it won’t cost anything out of pocket for me. I’ve had a weird headache since yesterday- I think it’s stress. It’s in the back of my head, which is usually stress. I’m not still stressed… but you know how those things go. I had a good enough cry yesterday that my eyes are puffy still. I wonder how many more times in my life I will cry over what that man did to me? What if that was my last cry over him? How cool would that be? I certainly don’t cry over the boys’ father any more. Haven’t in years and years and years. Not even when he’s a slacker on child support (like he’s been for the past few months- he pays but he’s paying about 25% of what he’s supposed to pay… )

Ginger and Theresa both called in sick today. I guess having to cover for me yesterday wore them both out. (I’m kidding). It’s been sorta quiet here at work so it’s not a big deal. I’m going to go have salad bar for lunch. That’s a nice quiet way to break up the day for me… so if it does get crazy later, I’ll be way more chillaxed. I’m trying to make sure I do things that I enjoy – within reason. Yesterday it meant ribs, internet and banana pudding. Today it’s eating the good salad bar and looking forward to Big Brother tonight. Tomorrow it will be picking up my Auggie Doodle from the church! Yay!

I think I’m going to work Saturday to make up for some of my time from yesterday. I don’t want to lose another day’s pay and Duane really wants me to work Saturdays when I can. He likes being able to say we’re open on Saturday. I don’t mind being here so much. I can’t do it every week but since I’ve had several days off this month, I can put in a little extra time.

That’s about it for now. Just wanted to let y’all know I’ve perked back up.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

my anniversary

Two years ago today I married Michael Darby in Las Vegas. We then went to a fabulous buffet lunch at the Paris casino with my brother Bryan and his girlfriend Candice. We rode the roller coaster at New York, New York. We went to see Mamma Mia. We went out for drinks with a work friend of his at the Rio. It wasn't the perfect wedding day... but it was special.

Michael was never perfect for me. We were never perfect for each other. He wanted me to be someone I wasn't. I wanted him to be who he presented himself to be in the beginning. I kept hoping that Prince Charming would return. He never did. He wanted maximum relationship return on minimal effort. Life doesn't work that way.

I've watched a friend go through some pretty ugly emotional abuse lately and saw some painfully familiar patterns. Husband makes hateful comments, ignores wife, belittles her, destroys her self-esteem and then tries to make all their problems the fault of her response to his abuse. They make you crazy and then blame you for being crazy.

I don't understand it. I don't understand how someone can love you one day and not care what happens to you the next. I don't understand how a man can pledge to love you for the rest of your life before God and man (and the officiant of his choice) and only a few short months later say and do the things he said to me and did against me.

I know how marriages fall apart over a long period of time but I'm still shocked that someone could grow to hate me so much so quickly. And despite the beautiful life that God has given me here... despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is better to live the rest of my life alone rather than every again have to live with so much hate and abuse toward myself and my children... despite the relief of not having to worry if I'm doing something that will make him angry... despite never again having to worry when he's coming home and what he's doing in those many hours that are unaccounted for... it still hurts to have been rejected by someone who claimed to love me so much.

And no matter how completely I understand on an intellectual level that I was not the problem... it still disappoints me that things turned out the way they did.

So this morning I went to work like it was any other Wednesday and I just.... couldn't. I fell apart. I knew this day was coming. I prepared for it mentally. I thought I was over it enough to not let it bother me. But it does. I had to leave work. It's the first time since last September that my emotions kept me from being able to work.

I have forgiven him for the infidelity, for the deception, for the emotional abuse that completely shattered my self-esteem and nearly cost me my life. I have forgiven him for the lies, for allowing me to become friends with a woman who was his mistress, for isolating me by taking away internet and cellphone access when I desperately needed someone to care. I have forgiven him for allowing me to linger between life and death while he neglected to check on me, knowing that I was on the verge of a desperate act. I have forgiven him for all that he has cost me careerwise, for costing me the ability to share Cody's senior year of high school, for putting Austin through three moves to four schools in two years. I have forgiven his neglect, his insults, his poor choice of priorities. I have forgiven him for threatening to keep me in a psych ward for six months, for telling me that I was Terri Schaevo and he held all the power over what happened to me. I have forgiven him for not being supportive while I was in the hospital. I have forgiven him for the things he has screamed at me over the phone since we split up, for the promises of financial support that never materialized.

I can forgive all of it. I just can't forget.

So today... I have rested and meditated and prayed and indulged myself a bit and just done the things I needed to do to stay positive and remind myself that it's ok. That it's his loss. And maybe by next year, this day won't be so hard.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I hit the wall. Not literally, of course. Not this time. I’m just worn out. It hasn’t been a bad day. It’s just that time of day that my brain becomes mush. I need a nap. We should really put a comfy couch in our sunroom here at the office. It would be a great place for a nap. Of course, I’ve also asked for a treadmill in there so we could have a “company fitness center”. Small businesses are great. Our place is an old house and we have a decent kitchen. I just almost always leave at lunch just to break up the day.

Tonight is Big Brother – at 9pm. So I’m going to have to stay awake long enough to see that… and it’ll get me all keyed up so I’ll be up late. Well. Late for me. Past ten.

I need to go to the grocery store and pick up some basics. Dishwashing detergent. Toilet paper. (I’m not completely out, but I’m on my last roll and I don’t want to have to improvise).

Payday is tomorrow. It’s a short paycheck for me but it won’t be as bad as it could be.

The doctor called this morning. The radiologist agrees that I have a collection of calcified lymph nodes, also referred to as granulomas. The radiologist said that if I was asymptomatic (meaning that I had no other symptoms) that it was ok to just monitor and recheck in a few months. If I had symptoms (such as cough, shortness of breath, whatever – the things I’ve had for 3-4 weeks) that it needed further review and recommended a CT scan. I don’t know yet how quickly that will be done. Again – I’m still not particularly worried about this. I can tell that something is *not quite right* but I don’t feel nearly as bad as I did last week. I’m not borrowing trouble. I have health insurance. I’ve met my deductible for the year. I’ve probably met my out of pocket level by now. It could be worse. I could be sick and not have the means to investigate.

I grabbed a handful of coins out of my broken piggy bank this morning and it was enough for breakfast and lunch. Breakfast was a fruit and yogurt parfait from McD’s. Lunch was a bean burrito from Taco Bell. The call from the doctor took up the time I would usually have gotten my food ready this morning. Bummer. But buying lunch with spare change made me feel like it was free. I seriously have not been eating much lately. I did have a pig out on Doritos session last night but it was completely accidental. Really. I don’t know how it happened. Eating is far too much trouble lately.

The cat was mad at me last night. I gave him canned food. I gave him fresh water. He has a semi-fresh litter box. I don’t know what his problem was. Perhaps he was complaining that I got home later than usual. He just kept whining. That “merrrrow” instead of purring. Can anyone else tell what mood their cat is by the way they meow or am I really becoming that crazy cat lady? Don’t answer that.

My friend A.T. – the one who rescued me from Jacksonville – is getting married next spring. She has been dating this guy for a very long time and it was just sort of going nowhere so they broke up and he realized how much he really loved her and had taken her for granted. She had a really bad relationship with a guy we went to high school with. It was such a high school drama and I had total flashbacks of her first love/first marriage/baby daddy and what all we went through with him. Bless her… we have definitely seen each other through some bad relationships! So the long time boyfriend really went out of his way to woo her back and they’re back together and totally planning to get married and I’m so happy for her. I missed her first wedding because I was pregnant with Cody and went into premature labor and was in the hospital on her wedding day – and I was a bridesmaid – and had the cutest dress! I told her that at least we knew we didn’t have to worry about that happening this time! I’ll never forget the labor and delivery nurse sticking her head into my hospital room and saying “I have a very upset bride on the phone”.

Anyways… tomorrow is my anniversary with Michael. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about things. I’m hoping that it’s just another day… but I’m not sure I can be that blasé about it. I’m doing that whole self-talk thing where I remind myself that I’m where I need to be and that it was never meant to be with him and that despite the hurt that I grew so much as a person through that experience and it was worth it… I’m trying to not let it be a sad thing. It might be just like getting served with divorce papers – the anticipation far worse than the reality. Or it might knock me to my knees again. I don’t know. I’m trying to prepare myself for either. There might be some bitter posting tomorrow. I apologize in advance. Sometimes it still aggravates me.

Hope you all have a great evening… gotta finish up here at work… love and hugs!

Monday, July 13, 2009

on building relationships

Exciting news from my life today. Ok. Not really.

It’s Monday. I’m working. I had a life insurance appointment that didn’t show. I was hoping to get that little extra cha-ching for my paycheck this week. Que sera. Will have to beat the bushes a bit more. I’d say that it’s hard to get people to come in for things like this during the summer but honestly… people have excuses for every season and when there’s not a seasonal excuse available then it becomes “the economy”.

I know a few people who are out of work. I know just a couple who are in commission driven jobs (like mine) whose commissions have been less than hoped for. I know a few people who have had their hours cut back but FOR THE MOST PART… the largest impact of this recession that I see is people who are WORRIED about things that haven’t actually happened yet. For the most part… poor people are still poor and rich people are still rich. If anything, the middle class is disappearing and more people are falling into either the rich or poor category.

I heard an interview this morning with the guy who the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” was based on. He said that people are looking for something to fall back on when they’ve already got something to fall back on – their butts.

I fall into an extreme category in that I’m rarely stressed over what I can’t pay. I put out fires, take care of the rent first and then whatever is going to get cut off or taken away. I make sure we have something to eat. I do the best I can with what I’ve got, pray for God to bless me with my daily bread, do without what I can’t afford and try to not feel guilty about the things that have happened in my life that have put me in this place. I get up and go to work every day that I can and work harder to make up the difference when I can’t. I just refuse to live my life beat up and down trodden and depressed because I’ve taken a few wrong turns and gotten misled a few times and had a few bad breaks. It happens. The only difference between me and rich people is that they have something to lose and have a false sense of security. Health and wealth, as I’ve said before, can both disappear in the blink of an eye.

I’ve never watched “The Pursuit of Happyness” all the way through but the guy has written a new book that sounds interesting. I can’t remember the name of it. I feel like we have a similar outlook.

I called the doctor back this morning and said, “hey… um… I’m still coughing… what are we going to do?” and I’m waiting for a call back. She was supposed to call back on Friday too. Of course… I’m not missing any more time from work this pay period (which ends on Wednesday) so I wouldn’t go back in today even if they said I needed to. Well… I mean, if I REALLY needed to but I don’t think the situation is going to completely disintegrate between now and Thursday. She had asked me last week if I wanted anything for my cough and I said no… but I think I do want something to make it easier to breathe so long as it doesn’t make me gain weight. *laugh* My kids had asthma, I should know all this stuff but I’ve forgotten. I have been drinking a lot of hot tea.

I wanted to have miso soup for lunch – as a friend suggested it for the probiotic benefits – and hot liquids sound good for both loosening up my chest and not getting bits and pieces caught in my empty holes in my gums where the teeth used to be. I went to this place called, “Mikomishi Express” with hopes of it being just like my beloved Sekisui in Jacksonville. Sekisui was very zen, luxurious, quiet… with the best miso soup and green tea… and incredibly fresh sushi. Mikomishi was the kind of “Japanese” food that you get in a mall. And they didn’t have miso. Or any other soup, for that matter. So I choked down some teriyaki chicken (which wasn’t bad, didn’t have breading on it and the rice was steamed instead of fried)… and then went out in my car and used my redneck waterpik (a curved syringe) to rinse the bits and pieces out of the holes in my gums. Good times. Came back and stuck another halls cough drop in my mouth and hope that the hacking will stay away long enough to not aggravate my co-workers or make clients think they’re going to come out of here with a raging case of tuberculosis. (that’s the only thing I know for sure I DON’T have!)

I’m having dinner tonight with a sweet girl from the college. Since so many of our friends and loved ones are out of town on the Myrtle Beach mission trip, Jessie and I are keeping each other company a little bit. She helped Angie a lot while Jim was in Africa and the girls adore her. Sarabeth refers to her as her “big sister”. She’s just become an extra member of the family.

Really, the girls have such great babysitters – Stasha, Jolee and now Jessie – they hardly have a need for Aunt Heather to babysit other than the fact that we all really enjoy it. On Saturday morning as everyone was packing up for Myrtle Beach, Jamie kept saying, “just come with us, Aunt Heather”… I said, “I can’t… I have to go to work”… she said, “come with us and go to work when we get back!” So simple. I didn’t try to explain things like bills and rent and no vacation time… so I said, “then who would feed Stubby and Princess?”… she understood that.

Such uncomplicated relationships… my nieces and me… they love me unconditionally and I love them unconditionally and we dance and sing together and share sunglasses and lipgloss and flipflops and they give good hugs and shriek my name when they see me and always make me feel like I’m somebody special. They never hold grudges. They never complain about what I haven’t done or what they’ve sacrificed for me. They never complain about not seeing me. The never mind if I don’t have a surprise for them. I guess in the beginning – when they were first born – I worked on our relationship. I certainly cuddled them every chance I had. I made sure to send them stuff whenever I could and every time I saw them, I made it special. I made sure to be at all their little birthday parties. I made them a priority in my life and they know that I love them unconditionally. In return, they love me the same way.

The point is that the best relationships in life happen when you’re willing to share yourself without expecting something in return. They are who they are and I love who they are without trying to change them. I support them and encourage them and praise them for their little victories. I draw boundaries where true boundaries exist (“No, Jamie, we can’t afford the $200 Cabbage Patch doll” "I'm sorry... I can't go to the beach with you") but I also allow them to be free spirited and unrestrained. We use the good sharpie markers. We sing along to the Backyardigans and the Sound of Music. I celebrate who they are. I don’t spend a lot of money on them – it cost me nothing to go to their house and write “Happy Birthday Max” on the driveway for Sarabeth to find when she got home from camping on her birthday. But it made her feel special. It costs me nothing to pick them up from children’s church and preschool church on Sunday mornings but it makes them feel special. Last time they went to the beach Sarabeth picked out a shell for me. That made ME feel special, to know that she was thinking of me when she was nowhere near me.

Aren’t we, as humans, drawn to the uncomplicated things in life? Wouldn’t you rather spend time with a friend who is always filled with joy rather than Debbie Downer? I think about how many marriages fall apart because men don’t want to go home to nagging wives… and how many kids avoid their parents to avoid lectures and reproach…. How many parents avoid their kids because they feel like nothing but an ATM… not that we shouldn’t be there for each other but how can you have any kind of relationship with anyone at all if there is never a positive… never a payback… only discouragement and disappointment and hurt. Who would intentionally subject themselves to that? Seriously… how many of you would read my blog if it was only gloom and despair? Who needs that?

I wasn’t the best mom ever but I did spend a lot of time with my boys and I worked hard for them to have what they needed and I sacrificed a lot of time and energy and money to allow them to do what they wanted while they were growing up. But the best times were the times we would go out for breakfast – just me and Cody. Or the times that ryan and I would have deep philosophical discussions while on the way somewhere. Or Austin and I taking our little road trips and excursions. Even with my stepsons - nothing made Bobby happier than going to the library with me. Stephen even tolerated me when he had to. (actually, we got along fine and still do, despite the drama between me and his dad).

Relationships come from time invested. Relationships are built on joy and encouragement. Demanding a relationship is like demanding respect – you have to earn it.
Someone that I dated briefly – who was more ready for a relationship with me than I was with him – came back to me a bit later and said, “do you miss US?” and I said, probably a little coldly, “there WAS NO US”. It takes more than wishing it for it to be true. The same is true of me and my marriage with Michael. Just because I wished for there to be a solid marriage with mutual goals – I couldn’t make him want what I wanted. Nagging him surely didn't make him want it any more.

Have you ever heard the story about the sun and the wind arguing over who was the strongest? I’ll close with it… and just encourage you to get what you want by giving someone else what they need. Try it.


The Wind and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun said: "I see a way to decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveller to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin." So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the traveller. But the harder he blew the more closely did the traveller wrap his cloak round him, till at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon thetraveller, who soon found it too hot to walk with his cloak on.
Kindness effects more than severity

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Sunday news

I'm playing hooky from church today. I'm still coughing up a lung and ... well, to be honest... everyone I sit with is in Myrtle Beach right now and I just didn't feel like sitting alone/looking for someone to sit with. Sometimes being single isn't fun.

I had a burst of energy a minute ago and cleaned the bathroom and started a load of laundry. Next on the agenda: go to the store for dishwashing detergent and go to Jim and Angie's to feed Princess the Fabulous Feral Feline. I'll try to get a picture of Princess today. She's a true outside cat.

Austin and I agreed that our last Costco run back at the end of January was a great investment as we have just run out of dishwashing detergent and are on our last roll of paper towels from then. We are still using the same container of laundry detergent. That was pretty cool! I asked Michael to keep me on his Costco account when he renewed - it doesn't cost him anything extra but the extra cost for me to purchase an individual account isn't worth the expense to go twice a year. The nearest Costco is more than an hour from me. I got no response from him. I guess he's still under "court order" to not speak to me. I would say, based on the bills that come to my house in Michael's name (because apparently he never placed a forwarding order) that he didn't renew his Costco account for himself. Can't say for sure.

I also can't say for sure whether or not we're divorced yet. I have got to take a little time to research that... I asked Michael about two weeks ago and got a response of "what does it matter?" ... I suppose it doesn't matter to him. Didn't matter when we were still living together as man and wife, why should it matter when we haven't laid eyes on one another in more than 8 months. If we're still married... Wednesday is our second anniversary. He got me vanilla scented potpourri for our first anniversary - only after I threw a fit about him not buying me anything for our anniversary when I spent about $100 on him - so I imagine my gift this year will be really special. Not.

I had decided not to take anything to help me sleep last night and as a result, slept poorly. I've decided not to take anything on the nights that I don't have to get up the next morning. I fell asleep after midnight and was wide awake (and watching The Nanny) before 6am. Hopefully we'll have EBT tonight - right after Big Brother.

Back in the summer of 2000 when Survivor and Big Brother both premiered for the VERY first season, everyone else was watching Survivor. I was watching Big Brother and am still a huge fan. I couldn't relate to the "reality" of people surviving on a deserted island but - as one of five kids - I could definitely relate to living in a house full of people and the drama that can present.

Was it really just three years ago that Michael and I were settling in to our first home together with seven boys? Now it's just me and the cat... and one of us sleeps 23 hours a day. Some days it's him, some days it's me!

Cody and Marquee surprised me with a visit yesterday. Cody wanted to make sure i was still among the living... I am... but I'm not good company right now. I feel way better than I did a week ago but I'm certainly not up for really enjoying the mountains right now... and I'm broke. It seems like every time I have the opportunity to see my two older boys it's when I'm down to my last twenty bucks. I'm not always THAT broke... but I did have to spend a lot of money on my surgery/meds over the past week plus getting Austin ready for Myrtle Beach (since my dough boy has outgrown all of his clothes) PLUS having to send money with Austin for the trip.

Anyways... I'm sure they were bored out of their minds. I'm sorta boring lately (if you haven't guessed from reading my blog).

I love Fox News but I don't understand why all their news babes have to be blonde and wear tight dresses. The poor girl on the couch during Fox and Friends this morning was having a hard time not pulling a Sharon Stone/Britney Spears flash.

I miss having the Atlanta Sunday newspaper to read. I'd have to drive about 45 minutes south to get it.

I am supposed to collect a sample of the stuff that I cough up for lab testing and I just can't do it. I've tried. It's just too gross to spit. I'm not a good spitter.

I had thought my Gator bag that I had monogrammed with my name had been lost in my move from Jacksonville, but austin and i found it while finding a suitcase for him for Myrtle Beach. It was like a time capsule... it was bizarre what random things had found their way into that bag. I'm glad to have it back - it was my favorite "possibility bag" and I was about ready to switch purses anyways. I'm not one of those fashionable people who have their purse match their outfit. One purse crammed with "all the things I could possibly need" for as long as I can stand that purse and then it's purged to the closet.

I really need a facial. Since I can't afford a day spa - I think I'll have a little home spa activity today. Gotta get the pores under control again.

Oh. Back to Big Brother. I love Big Brother. I enjoy the fact that you can sort of see behind the scenes of a tv show. For me, the behind the scenes of anything is the best thing. My favorite thing about theatre is the magic of the creative process and the drama backstage. I love actors... and anyone who is bold enough to be on a show like Big Brother is an actor, whether that's their profession or not. I haven't bought the live feeds because it's a luxury that I can't afford (or that it's not wise for me to waste money on right now) but I do read all the different websites that have the live feed recaps.... which is better, probably, than sitting and staring at the computer for hours on end... not that I don't already do that. Anyways... it's my summertime guilty pleasure every year and I'm so glad it's Big Brother season again! I haven't picked my favorites yet... I'm still checking them out but Casey, the "old guy" (who is my age) is a Gator fan so that's a big plus for me.

I guess I better go feed Princess before church lets out and traffic around the town square gets backed up. Hope you all have a great Sunday! Love and hugs!

Friday, July 10, 2009

weekend countdown

No weekend countdown today! I’ve been too busy. Good busy – money making busy. This is the thing about how God works… I’ve missed 19.5 hours in the past two weeks… which, on my hourly wage really screws things up for me. But I’m also paid commission… and in commissions over the past two weeks, I’ve made enough to replace 18.5 hours. How much would I love to have that additional commission money… but what I’ve learned over the past year is that God provides my daily bread. I’m not getting rich. I’m not even really getting ahead. But I am keeping my head above water and I think that’s amazing.

I struggle sometimes in living my faith out loud. Not that I’m embarrassed to – by any stretch of the imagination. But I struggle because I don’t have all the answers for everyone. It’s one thing to accept for myself that I have enough. I don’t have a lot but I have enough. But it’s quite another thing to tell someone else to hang in there because they’ll have enough also. I don’t know how. I just know that’s how it’s worked for me. All I have is what I’ve lived as an example. And it’s hard to explain to someone else how I know that they’ll find enough strength for what lies ahead – other than to say that I keep finding enough strength, so surely they will too.

I’ll never forget the question a friend asked me a few months ago when things were taking what appeared to be a really ugly turn in their life… they said, “where is your God now, Heather?”. My God is right there. Where He’s always been. Where He’ll always be. Just because it’s not all sunshine and daffodils and rainbows in our lives, doesn’t mean that He doesn’t exist. Surely, I’ve learned more about who God is in these weeks where I worked nearly 20 hours less and made just as much. Surely, haven’t all God’s children learned far more when they needed Him most than they have whenever things were going well? I don’t have all the answers for myself or anyone else. I don’t know where my health or wealth will come from tomorrow or the next day and I’m not supposed to know. Neither are you.
Let go and let God seems so trite but it’s so right.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

thankful thursday

The week has flown by but on the other hand, it seems like time is standing still. I can’t believe it’s Thursday already – and I surely can’t believe it’s already been a week since I had my wisdom teeth out. Austin leaves on a mission trip on Saturday and all of a sudden what seemed like a long way away is here…. And I have so much to do. And feel like doing nothing.

My teeth – or gums rather – are healing fine. I haven’t had nearly as much pain as I expected. It still hurts to smile and it hurts to talk a lot. I’ve been talking a lot today. I haven’t worked a full day yet this week and won’t today either. I have my follow up with the oral surgeon in less than an hour. I am dreading the drive down to Gainesville and dreading the hurry up and wait at his office and dreading having to run the errands I need to run while I’m “in town” to get Austin ready for his trip and dreading the drive home and the stop by the pharmacy I need to make on the way home.

I’m still fighting bronchitis and had a kind of weird chest xray earlier this week that set me off on my newest health expedition. There’s something in one lung that shouldn’t be there and it’s not real clear what it is. It’s referred to as “calcified lymph nodes” and it’s sort of a pearl in the oyster kind of thing – there’s something there that’s irritated and so the body calcifies over it. It can be from several different things, the first thing they think of is tuberculosis and it looks like that’s not the case – based on the tb test I had done on Tuesday, that will be read tomorrow morning. It can also be scarring from old illnesses – but I never really have had asthma or those sort of things and since I haven’t had a chest xray in… well, I don’t think ever… there’s nothing to compare it with to see if it’s old illness or new illness. There are other worst case scenario things that it can be and I’m not really going there mentally yet. The long and short of it right now is that there’s this mass of lymph nodes that is calcified and it’s a structure sort of like a bunch of grapes and it’s taking up some lung capacity which makes having bronchitis a little more uncomfortable, meaning that it makes it harder to breathe and stuff like that, which makes doing the routine things that I have to do in the course of a day like… I don’t know… raise a 15 year old, for instance… and go to work… for example… more taxing than usual.

I blogged about this in the other blog but wanted to sort of sit on it and study it and weigh my thoughts on it before I blogged in my “not as friendly” blog environment. It’s not supposed to be there and it’s not comfortable but I don’t want to overdramatize the situation and I certainly don’t want there to be unkind things said about me in this situation. It is what it is and I will do what I have to do and once the radiologist and pulmonologist and whoever and whatever have time to look it over more carefully then I’ll know more about what needs to be done.

There’s some minor validation for me in the sense of I knew that I didn’t quite feel right and I wanted it to be more than just depression and laziness and whatever. On the other hand I would rather it just be some deficient character trait than something not quite right physically. But in the meantime between knowing what I know and figuring out what is really happening, I’m just sort of going through the stuff that has to happen in everyday life as best I can and keeping the wheels on the wagon in the same inefficient way that I always do.

And gosh… I’m so relieved to be one week past that whole wisdom tooth thing… and the mountains are still gorgeous and I’m going to very soon be able to smile again- I mean, it won’t hurt to smile any more. I have lots to smile about. More later. Have to get to the doctor!

Monday, July 6, 2009

boring monday update

I'm home today. I felt like the wise thing to do was to take one more day to heal. Besides having six teeth pulled - I've also been battling bronchitis and just feel run down. I'm relieved that pain-wise this hasn't been nearly as bad as I expected. There is sort of a dull ache in my jaws but it's been totally manageable. I've been mostly using tylenol for the pain. My cough is yucky and I would say probably, if not for the bronchitis, the wisdom teeth would have been a piece of cake. I've been getting a lot of sleep and eating what I'm supposed to and enjoying the break. I really needed a break.

Stubby the 3legged wondercat / nurse hasn't been willing to leave me alone. At some point between Thursday and Friday he decided he didn't like the fact that I had a bandaid covering where the IV had gone in and he pulled it out with his teeth. I said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" crazy cat. And he looked up at me all innocent like, "who me?" with the bandaid hanging out of his mouth.

Austin has been spending every waking moment with Tasha's family. He's here long enough in the evening to trash the kitchen... actually, he's been pretty helpful. I've wanted to just sort of sleep and he's perfectly willing to let me sleep. He went to church with Tasha yesterday and then they had a fellowship after church.

I slept until noon yesterday and until ten today. That's completely out of character for me, I'm an early riser. I figure it's just what I needed.

Odd how when you haven't left the house in five days you don't have much to blog about, isn't it? I'll be back at work tomorrow so I'm sure I'll have lots to whine about. Today... the only complaints I have is that my phone won't stop ringing (I don't answer it) and that I'm sort of short of breath from the cough. I think I see a nap in my future!

Have a great day... love and hugs, y'all!