My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

my anniversary

Two years ago today I married Michael Darby in Las Vegas. We then went to a fabulous buffet lunch at the Paris casino with my brother Bryan and his girlfriend Candice. We rode the roller coaster at New York, New York. We went to see Mamma Mia. We went out for drinks with a work friend of his at the Rio. It wasn't the perfect wedding day... but it was special.

Michael was never perfect for me. We were never perfect for each other. He wanted me to be someone I wasn't. I wanted him to be who he presented himself to be in the beginning. I kept hoping that Prince Charming would return. He never did. He wanted maximum relationship return on minimal effort. Life doesn't work that way.

I've watched a friend go through some pretty ugly emotional abuse lately and saw some painfully familiar patterns. Husband makes hateful comments, ignores wife, belittles her, destroys her self-esteem and then tries to make all their problems the fault of her response to his abuse. They make you crazy and then blame you for being crazy.

I don't understand it. I don't understand how someone can love you one day and not care what happens to you the next. I don't understand how a man can pledge to love you for the rest of your life before God and man (and the officiant of his choice) and only a few short months later say and do the things he said to me and did against me.

I know how marriages fall apart over a long period of time but I'm still shocked that someone could grow to hate me so much so quickly. And despite the beautiful life that God has given me here... despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is better to live the rest of my life alone rather than every again have to live with so much hate and abuse toward myself and my children... despite the relief of not having to worry if I'm doing something that will make him angry... despite never again having to worry when he's coming home and what he's doing in those many hours that are unaccounted for... it still hurts to have been rejected by someone who claimed to love me so much.

And no matter how completely I understand on an intellectual level that I was not the problem... it still disappoints me that things turned out the way they did.

So this morning I went to work like it was any other Wednesday and I just.... couldn't. I fell apart. I knew this day was coming. I prepared for it mentally. I thought I was over it enough to not let it bother me. But it does. I had to leave work. It's the first time since last September that my emotions kept me from being able to work.

I have forgiven him for the infidelity, for the deception, for the emotional abuse that completely shattered my self-esteem and nearly cost me my life. I have forgiven him for the lies, for allowing me to become friends with a woman who was his mistress, for isolating me by taking away internet and cellphone access when I desperately needed someone to care. I have forgiven him for allowing me to linger between life and death while he neglected to check on me, knowing that I was on the verge of a desperate act. I have forgiven him for all that he has cost me careerwise, for costing me the ability to share Cody's senior year of high school, for putting Austin through three moves to four schools in two years. I have forgiven his neglect, his insults, his poor choice of priorities. I have forgiven him for threatening to keep me in a psych ward for six months, for telling me that I was Terri Schaevo and he held all the power over what happened to me. I have forgiven him for not being supportive while I was in the hospital. I have forgiven him for the things he has screamed at me over the phone since we split up, for the promises of financial support that never materialized.

I can forgive all of it. I just can't forget.

So today... I have rested and meditated and prayed and indulged myself a bit and just done the things I needed to do to stay positive and remind myself that it's ok. That it's his loss. And maybe by next year, this day won't be so hard.

9 comments:

mmmbrown625 said...

You are just not ready yet. Time can and does heal all wounds, but right now, that wound has scabbed over and the scab was ripped off with this anniversary. When you are ready, you will forget. I am praying for you.

For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. Hebrews 8:12 NIV

sheri said...

Heather,
You have come so far. You will get to the finish line.
Almost all of you words today could have been written by me.
Some days, I think I have "made" it. Then something happens and I know I am not there yet.
You have opened up to see the beauty in your life.
My heart goes out to you on this painful day.
Hugs, Sheri

Diana said...

I'm sorry that today was very hard for you. You are the stronger person to be able to forgive. I know it must be very hard to forget. I hope next year is better for you. You are in a better place.

Hugs,

Diana

Dutch said...

Oh Heather, I am so sorry to hear that this day is still so hard for you. My heart goes out to you. I know in time that it will get easier for you.
I have been reading your journal for awhile now and I don't comment that much but when I read your words I know you are a very strong and independent woman and one day I know you will be loved the way you deserve to be loved. Take Care. Hugs

JennBand08 said...

Heather.. I'm so sorry today was hard. You've endured so much, and you are so strong. I'm glad you were able to blog about it, and that your phone was ringing, even if it annoyed you. I have faith that tomorrow will be a better day.
~Jenn

D said...

"Did I say something way to honest,made you run and hide,like a scared little boy?"

I posted this lyric from a Taylor Swift song, called Forever and Always, because I think that applys to breakups where the person is striving to be someone that the other person could love. Simply put if you can't be yourself with the person you're with, married, dating or otherwise, then they are not worthy of you. You went through so much trying to be who Michael wanted you to be and loving him when he was horrible to you. Even when we told you that you were better and he proved that he wasn't the right person for you,Sweetie. Give yourself time. You are so worthy of someone loving you for the rockin' person that you are and that person is STILL out there. That person is going to cherish and respect you for Heather and someday you'll know that this was just a bump in the road and you deserve the best. Believe that!

Kelly Dawn said...

love you girlie! love you much...havent been online for a bit but know i am thinking about you...

kelly

Becky said...

hugs....and more hugs!

rwdrake said...

"I can forgive all of it. I just can't forget."

... perhaps that's healthy. If we cannot learn, we cannot do it better next time.

As for people changing, they do. sometimes it's sudden, dare I say revelatory? For those people, in those moments, what they want, how they want to get it and where they go changes radically. They start behaving in clearly new ways.

Sometimes it's evolutionary. I had a girlfriend who just plain fell out of love with me. She didn't stop loving me per se. She was still better off with me in the world, doing what I do to it. She just did not want to be all the way on the inside of that, and give up what she'd have to give up to be there (namely she wanted kids and I don't).

It was a slow evolution for her and it took a lot of courage for her to say "Look, I am so sorry to hurt you like this, but I just am not in love with you anymore."

I think it was as hard to be on her conversation as it was mine (I can vaguely feel the flush of humiliation even as I write this) . It's hard to tell someone that they are not the right person for you, and so people put off the decision until they're sure and they need to change behaviors.

She did the right thing. She's happily married. She has kids. She loves her husband and their kids. I moved on too.

All of this to say that there is a critical point in which people change, and what makes the decision honorable or dishonorable is not the change, but how they bring it to light.

Unfortunately, you've been surrounded often by dishonorable men whose ids lusts and ego blow up like their prostates and leave them blind to your right to dignity.

I am so glad that you took your dignity for yourself and have the satisfaction of it.