My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Thursday, April 6, 2017

All The Things

Almost three months. Longest blog silence for me ever. I told myself that when I could blog without crying,  I would blog again. It's still not happening. I can explain but I'm not sure I want to. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to throw a pity party. But unless I share what is keeping me from sharing, I don't know how I'll ever get back to blogging.

My aunt died last fall. The aunt who was most like me.... three sons, not as "tidy" as the other sisters... creative, always going from one project to another. I am more like her than my mom or any of my aunts. She was my mom's youngest sister, the youngest of seven children. She had several complicated health issues but the truth is... she died because she no longer had the will to live. Once her husband passed away in 2013 she felt - what I feel every day of my life - that when you don't have a "significant other" you are no longer significant to anyone. I've hesitated to say that because there are people who made a valiant effort on her behalf in the end. Her daughter-in-law quit her job to faithfully attend to her. Her son... her sister... in the end she was surrounded by people who loved her but in the end... it was the end.

I was just sort of stinging from her loss when Christmas rolled around. I worked hard at Christmas to make sure everyone got something special, personal, thoughtful... I did a great deal of my parents' shopping as mom was just not feeling well and dad was, as he always is, busy. I'm not a material girl. I shop bargains. I love Goodwill. I'm not into labels or anything. But I spent a lot of effort trying to make everyone else feel special and once all the gifts were opened... I didn't feel special at all. I felt, once again, insignificant. I spent a healthy sum on each of my kids and grandkids and I got ... from all of them in total... one gift. One small gift from one of my sons and that was it. My sister-in-law did get me a little extra something special because, as she said, I "do so much for people". And I do. I appreciated her noticing, she is one to always encourage me but she's a very busy lady and our paths don't cross often enough. So it wasn't ALL bad....but even now, three months later, I can't shake that feeling of being insignificant. When they say it's the thought that counts, that's so very true. And I just didn't feel that anyone put much thought into Christmas for me. Again. I say this not to make anyone feel bad or ... whatever... people had stuff going on in their lives. They were all busy. Or broke. Or... whatever they were. But the result was unavoidable. I sat in a room full of family watching people open lovely gifts specially chosen for them and I was so happy for them because I love them. But I felt very small and unimportant. There's no worse feeling in the world than being alone in a crowd.

It became sort of a tangent realization of what my life is and who I am to the world around me... insignificant. It's weird... because my whole life revolves around taking Austin to work and picking him up... getting Cosy on the days we have custody and also on the days when Tasha needs a break... dogsitting Oscar the dachshund when my mom is at the doctors or in the hospital. I've been trying for a year to string together a few days to go spend time with Oliver because there is so much that I have to do. I managed to squeeze out three days this week but then my pain levels became too high for me to drive that far alone. The weather has been awful and nothing affects arthritis more than changing weather. I found out yesterday that I can't get the prescriptions I need to be able to function until halfway through the visit because they're schedule... whatever. So I would be a hundred miles from home potentially withdrawing from three meds on top of the normal unpredictability of my pain which has been bad lately.

Migraines have become a huge problem for me. I've had them forever but they're more frequent and more severe. There are a lot of times that I have to be the one to pick Austin up from work so I have to wait to take meds to alleviate the migraine until after I pick him up. I've begged him and begged him to start driving but he isn't ready yet. I didn't drive until I was 28. I get it. Sometimes I'm not sure he really understands the toll it takes on me. But I know he appreciates me. And I appreciate how close we are, that he and I are a team, that I can talk to him about things I can't talk to anyone else about and vice versa. One night I picked him up when I was having such a severe migraine that I was crying hysterically. Usually I don't let anyone know I'm crying because I don't want them to worry... or think I'm having some kind of breakdown or whatever. Sometimes it just hurts so much. I've got a procedure scheduled in two weeks that is supposed to help... some medicine they put up into your sinus cavity with a catheter. I'm afraid I'll chicken out before then.

So all of those things that I just mentioned... they've been keeping me from blogging. From feeling like I have anything significant to say... from feeling like anyone really cares what I have to say... from feeling like I can't share my heart without hurting the heart of someone else that I love. There's all that and there's Trump. For an introvert like me who avoids conflict and controversy at all cost, it just reached a point where I fell like I was drowning in the hate... hate from others toward "people like me" who didn't elect Hillary... snide comments about Trump voters from every angle... and again, people I love who would be really hurt by my own comments or justification for the outcome of the election. There's so much bitterness still on both sides and I just don't have the emotional energy to wade into those waters. I don't watch the news any more. I can't.

What I didn't want to do is get on a soap box about all these things and use my blog as a weapon to strike out against the things that have hurt me. It's impossible to explain and not complain. I didn't want to be accusatory. I didn't want to leave on bad terms when this blog has been the only consistent thing in my life in the past twelve years. Being able to come here and open my heart has saved my sanity for so many years. It just lost it's joy for me. I have written dozens of blog posts in the past three months and deleted them without posting. Nobody wants to attend a pity party. Honestly. I don't. I would have clicked out of this blog two paragraphs in so if you're still reading, thank you.

Now... the good things you should know... I'm getting out more, doing more things, enjoying my grandchildren so much! I wish I could have more time with Oliver but I'm grateful that I get to see him at least once a month. They're both talking a lot and every time they say, "Nana" my heart just melts! My nieces are taller... more beautiful than ever... successful... just amazing creatures. I can't believe how incredible they are! My mom is doing well. She's still doing my laundry (LOL) and she has a lot of good days. She has a lot of pain too but ... she's hanging in there. One of my nephews who was a bit... let's just say, "distant" has become closer and I'm so grateful to build a relationship with him. Cosette's birthday is this month and I'm planning a "Tea for Two" tea party theme. We've had fun buying hats and accessories for our guests to use. When I Facetime with Oliver he always wants me to wear a hat and I go through them while he decides which one he wants me to wear. Austin is loving his new job and is training to be a shift manager. Ryan had a stressful start to the year but things are turning around and he's got some exciting things happening. Cody and Marquee are doing well. They're bummed that my trip to see them didn't work out this week and I'm really sad too. It's hard disappointing people but it's a reality of my physical limitations. My cousin and his wife got their pilots license and bought a plane! How fun is that? I slacked off on my Italian studies. I'm sure I'll pick it up again at some point, I just found myself needing to use my down time to rest more. I'm getting out more which means I hurt more but it's a good trade off for me. I've been watching a lot of Netflix, playing a lot of computer games, reading a lot of books about things that happened during the Renaissance. Walking is harder. Some mornings I really struggle but by the time I leave to take Austin to work I've usually worked the kinks out. I'm really ok so please don't worry. Is this an official return to blogging? I can't say for sure. I just knew until I explained the reason I had not been blogging, I would never be able to start blogging again. So that's it.

Hope you're all well. I miss your sweet comments and encouragement. Love and hugs, y'all. I'll be back... soon, I think.