turn me loose! enough already!

Today is FLYING by… which is a good thing! We’ve been pretty busy this morning. Six more hours until my weekend!

I finally bit the bullet and called Duval County courts to see if my divorce is final and it. is. Not. Not only is it not finished but the case is in danger of being dismissed because they have sent paperwork to Michael three times without response. Since he is the plaintiff, if he decides not to respond, they just let the case be dismissed assuming that he has changed his mind. Based on my last conversation with him, he doesn’t care if we stay married or not. He doesn’t see it as a legitimate marriage and even when it was as legitimate as it could be he didn’t honor his vows so… it makes no difference in his life. He doesn’t have to see me, talk to me, support me, or even acknowledge that I exist.

As for me… my biggest concern is the potential financial implications. We get phone calls from bill collectors EVERY day trying to track him down. The police came by yesterday looking for him- I have no idea why – he’s never lived with me here – but I guess because they don’t have an address for him. And based on the harassment I’m getting on his behalf, I can see why he wasn’t worried about leaving a forwarding address. Whitney says Kathy’s office in Jacksonville gets calls looking for him – I’ve been getting calls here at work looking for him. And it’s not like I don’t have my own financial skeletons that fall out of the closet from time to time… but they’re MINE. I have enough of my own without having to deal with someone else’s junk falling on my head.

And here’s the thing: he had a choice. He always had a choice. Had he come to me from day one and said, “my finances are a mess and I owe the IRS a ton of money” I would have still loved him, I would have still married him. I would have supported him (both emotionally and financially) and I would have done things uh-lot differently. If I had known. I would have gladly partnered with him to resolve his problems. He never gave me the chance. He was living large, spending a lot of money on random things ($600 for fireworks?) and acting like he was king of the world. He worked a lot but he was a workaholic. I figured he preferred being at work to being with me (as evidenced by the fact that he would take time off when it involved his kids or his family but never when it involved me). He would encourage me to make as much money as I could but there was never a coordination of finances. I offered many times to just turn my paycheck over to him and let him handle it all. I’m glad – so glad – that never came to pass! Truly, I make plenty of mistakes on my own. He once said, “you and money are not friends” and that’s true. But that’s also the pot calling the kettle black.

For the most part, I have gotten over the fact that there was emotional infidelity in my marriage. It will always hurt… the sting of rejection from the physical infidelity will always be there, but I *at least* know who I am and know that I am worthy. I understand now that it was never about any shortcomings on my end. I don’t blame myself any more. I don’t feel ugly or unworthy. I’m beyond all that. What hurts now is that his financial infidelity is still impacting my life. After hearing “move on” from him about a thousand times over the past year… “leave me alone”… “go on with your life”… etc… he’s the one keeping me from being able to do that. He’s the one who makes sure that every single time I go to the mailbox there’s something with his name on it. He’s the one causing us to still be married. He’s the one causing the police to knock on my door and creditors to call me. I don’t need that.

Tomorrow is one year. And I’m really. Honestly. Totally. Completely. Ok. I love where I live. I love my community and my church family and the friends I have here and the family I have here. I love my small town life. I have a friend in my life who might one day become more than a friend, in God’s time. I have people who care about me and pray for me and support me and encourage me. I have hope.

So for those in his life who still read my blog – let him know that it’s time for him to man up and let me go. Let him know that he needs to do right by me. Finally. He holds all the cards where the divorce is concerned. The clerk of court says there’s nothing I can do as the defendant to make the case go forward. I would have to file countersuit in my own jurisdiction (and pay my own court costs). I can’t do anything to speed up the current proceedings.

Time for me to go to lunch. The day is flying by. the past year has too.