My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Friday, April 3, 2015

Unfinished Business / Unanswered Questions

Cosette - ultrasound from Monday
Where have I been all week?
Which will come first, my 47th birthday or my granddaughter?
Will I be able to reschedule my disability hearing?
What's up with the crazy gut pain?

This week has been more about questions than answers. I was putting off blogging until I could wrap everything in a nice, neat package. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened yet. This week included an ultrasound/midwife visit with Tasha and Austin, a visit to my attorney and a CT scan with contrast. It also included visits from my nieces, lots of encouraging words from friends and family and.....

dogsitting. My parents are down south helping my sons' step-mother's dad (also my dad's best buddy - I just love embracing the irony) put together a play for sunrise service on Easter Sunday. They took Oscar but left Lady with me. She has been a bit anxious and took a good hour to settle down into her bed but she's ok. It hasn't helped that we have such thick fog outside that you can't even see the lake. She kept standing gazing out into the soup in the backyard trying to find something or someone familiar. Meanwhile...

I had to do a crazed internet search this morning for the doctor that treated me in Jacksonville. I couldn't remember her name but knew I would remember it when I saw it. My attorney is building my case to demonstrate the avalanche of health issues that started while I was in Jax because truthfully, I haven't been well since then. I don't talk much about depression because I feel like I am discouraged by my circumstances and anxious about the future, mainly about this disability case. I don't see myself as a depressed person until I start to compare my life with the lives of others. I see people doing random things like going to watch their kids play ball or going out to eat or... working... and those are things I can no longer do. There is no way to escape the fact that it IS depressing to be unable to do things most people do. And...

my attorney feels like that's a piece of the puzzle we can't leave out in presenting my case. He's encouraging me to seek treatment if it's covered under my charity/indigent care and we're looking for a psychiatrist/psychologist that he's worked with in the past. He feels my case is strong based on the fact that I was assigned a handicapped parking permit three years ago, based on the attendance record from when I last worked. Interestingly enough... all the detail that my former employer went to in his effort to make me look like a slacker and avoid paying unemployment is wonderful evidence to have for my case! If you were around during that period of time you might remember me saying...

"what he means for my harm God will use for my good". And truly, that is happening. Also, my attempt to return to work also helps my case. It was SO painful at the time and it broke my heart to not be a better/more reliable employee but having an employer go to such extreme lengths to accommodate my disability and still not being able to work even very short periods of time is good for my case. At the time I was so sad to be away from Austin and missed living here in the mountains so much but that year was so beneficial to my self-confidence (knowing that I AM a good employee who is just living through a bad time, not a slacker) and beneficial to my case. It's still very difficult to get disability for someone under 50 but there are several things in my favor. All these

random pieces of life that are broken up (like these crazy paragraphs, I didn't just forget all my grammar skills) may not give us immediate answers or the full picture but these things we can't know aren't always bad. I'm having to learn to live life without having all of the answers, with lots of random unfinished sentences but life DOES go on. The answers come eventually. I haven't blogged yet about the discouraging news that I got last Friday. This is out of order, I should have mentioned this earlier but, for those of you who don't follow my Facebook (or missed it, I miss stuff all the time!) my disability hearing is scheduled for June 5th, the day before my brother's wedding. That means that the carefully laid plans to have a slow paced trip with plenty of recovery time in between traveling... going to see Wicked.... traveling.... rehearsal....wedding.... brunch...travel... and traveling with my family so that I don't have the full burden of all the details to juggle when I'm tired/in pain... all goes "poof". Instead

I would be sitting through my hearing scheduled to begin at 2:45 that Friday, taking however long it takes then driving through the worst of Atlanta's rush hour to get to the airport to take a plane to Hartford, Connecticut and getting there late in the evening. I don't even know if I can still drive to the other side of town. I struggle with short trips. I don't know if I can still navigate Atlanta's huge/busy airport. I don't know what kind of emotional/mental state I will be in after going through the hearing. And instead of spending a week with my family I would spend a day and a half of a pain marathon. I just...

Honestly, I just was so hurt that it was scheduled that way. Pain has taken so much from me... friends, events that I should have attended, every dime I ever earned, my independence, my ability to participate in things that I enjoy... everything. And to have pain take that week away from me just breaks my heart. My attorney put in a request to delay the hearing but it's an issue that has to be handled delicately because ... if I'm able to travel to Connecticut, I should be able to go to work, right? That's how it looks on the surface. OF course, the truth is that I don't know how well I'll be able to handle the trip. All we can do is structure things in such a way that it is as easy as possible on me. Anyways...

no answer yet. My future sister-in-law has been so encouraging and says if they have to arrange a car to get me from the hearing to the airport they will. If they have to arrange a car to pick me up in Hartford, they will. She's the kind of girl who finds a way to make things happen and MAN do we need her in our family! I will go to the wedding no matter what. It's just a matter of whether it's an easy trip or the trip from hell. Ironically,

when my youngest brother got married in Memphis, it was right in the middle of the time that I was working on my first musical with professional actors, like, people who actually get paid to do it. I was assistant director / prop designer / costume designer / general flunkie. I did the Friday performance, got up on Saturday and flew to Memphis. Had a luncheon with the bride's family, went to the wedding and reception, crashed at her mother's house in a bed they had put in the dining room for me (the chaos in that house is beyond description), got up Sunday morning and flew back to Atlanta in time to be at the Sunday afternoon performance. Oh, and it was the 25th anniversary of the death of Elvis and I was flying on a buddy pass (standby) so I had no idea if/when I would get there and back. And to keep things interesting Purple Michael and I had a disagreement and he called me just as I was getting off the plane in Memphis and chewed me out and hung up on me and then refused to answer my calls the rest of the weekend. So I spent that whole day being upset/frustrated about that in addition to dealing with all the drama that comes with an out of town wedding. I survived

but I was younger then. Speaking of being younger, I had a CT scan with contrast yesterday. I should have the results at the beginning of the week. At this point all we've done toward diagnosing the crazy gut pain is just eliminate what it's NOT. I don't want there to be anything wrong with me but ... you know it's the kind of situation where you need an explanation for the pain... you need it to be validated. It's not yet.

Tasha went to the doctor yesterday and she is 1cm dilated and 50 percent effaced. Pop's car broke down on him yesterday while my mom and I were at the attorney's office so that car is in the shop and my parents' are in the other car on the other side of town and Angie and Jim are unavailable this weekend so I told Tasha that she has to sit tight until Sunday afternoon and after that she can deliver Cosette whenever she wants! April is WIDE open! I didn't tell Tasha but I walked around 1-2 centimeters dilated for the last six weeks I was pregnant with my first child. I think she'll go this month but I don't think she'll go this weekend. If she does, I'm sure I can find someone around here who will give me a ride to the hospital. Marquee

Austin and Mawmaw putting together the pack-n-play
goes back next week to the perinatologist and then to the regular ob so no updates on Peanut this week. We got the pack-n-play last week so I'm all set to start granny-ing, just need a baby or two! I'm taking a break from sewing today because I'm having really bad pain in my hands (and typing isn't helping). I'm planning a Gilmore Girls mini-marathon and catching up on my "watch later" you tube videos that I have accumulated. Basically, I plan to spend the weekend being a couch potato. Recliner potato. Whatever. Hope you all have a safe, happy and blessed Easter/Passover weekend. Love and hugs!




2 comments:

monique said...

Somehow it will all work out.
Happy Easter!
m~

Anonymous said...

So great that your grandkids will be so close in age! Hopefully they will be close their whole lives!