Hello, old friends! I find myself alone in a quiet house and I thought I might bring you up to date on my life. I'm not sure how long this will be as I still struggle to communicate without tears. You just don't know how deep the hurt can be until you live it. We have passed the six month mark since my mom died. As sad as it was to go through the funeral and all that surrounded it, I've been surprised to find that distance does not necessarily equal healing. I almost wish I was still that naive lady on the day of the funeral... that girl didn't know yet what it meant to go six months without talking to her mom. I miss her so much. There are so many things I wish I could tell her, ask her, do with her... A video came up on my Facebook timeline today. It was my mom and I watching Cosy draw on my sliding glass window with chalk markers, practicing writing her name. It was the most basic of days but my mom laughs in the video and I realized how much I miss her laugh. I'm so glad I obsessively photographed and videotaped those last two years of her life... I was recording my grandbabies but also got so many memories with my mom.
But I don't want you to think that I'm in a dark place. I miss her, definitely. I think of her every day but I certainly don't cry everyday. There's a lot of happiness in my life right now. The babies are growing into such fun, amusing, adorable little humans. I still can't get enough of them! We have Cosy spend the night at least once a week and we have her a couple of days besides. I'm working diligently on potty training her and we have such great little moments while she's perched on the potty trying to make things happen. Oliver just got back from Disney World where he boldly went up to each and every character giving high fives and hugs and just living his best life. That kid is fearless! I see him about once a month and we FaceTime often.
I'm also still dating... in a relationship... I don't know exactly what you call it... with the guy I mentioned in the last blog post back in October. We tried to figure out what our anniversary date is but the best I can tell you is that we have been in constant communication since the day before my mama died. I spend a day or two a week with him and it's good. We have fun together. He is good to me in the way that you always hope will happen... but never has before in my life. I love him dearly and I'm so grateful for the role he plays in my life. He's a much more private person than myself so I will check in on Facebook on date night once a week but I don't really post a lot of stuff on social media about us because he's just not into that kind of exposure. We went to New Orleans together over New Year's and we made a trip to Tennessee a few weeks back. He comes up here every now and then but mostly I go down to his place because we get a bit more privacy there... and it's a nice break from routine for me. He works a lot but he's good about staying in touch with me throughout the day and it's a healthy outlet for me.
Health wise... as I had suspected there is additional damage to my spine that was confirmed by MRI. The radiologist thinks surgery is a good idea but my pain doctor (who has more extensive knowledge of my case) says no, not yet. The problem is that my spine has a degenerative aspect to it... stabilizing the part that is bad will only add more pressure to the other parts of my spine. So it's a temporary fix, at best, before new/additional/potentially more serious damage develops. My pain is sometimes horrible and restrictive and frustrating but I am doing more now than I used to and I feel like I have a good handle on things. Getting out and about with my fella does sometimes leave me a bit worn afterward but... on the other hand, he takes good care of me - carrying the heavy stuff, dropping me off as close as he can so I don't have to walk far, building a lot of rest time into our time together... so I get the bonus of a change of scenery without hurting myself. We are no closer to understanding my autoimmune issues than we were a year ago which is entirely my fault. I never followed up with the rheumatologist because there were just so many other things that took priority last year. I have a lot of migraines still. I have a lot of muscle pain and weakness. I have fallen a few times because my legs just don't hold me up. I have some really overwhelming fatigue and could/would sleep my life away if not for Austin, Cosy and my guy.
And the dog. Lord help me, I have assumed my mom's role of caring for that needy little dog. My dad spends as much time as he can away from the house - it's his coping mechanism - and that means that the dog who must have human contact or he will DIE (he thinks) is glued to me constantly. This is part of the reason I prefer to go to my fella's house... no dog. My dad is doing well, I think. He does tend to stay gone a lot but he did when mom was alive, too. The house isn't as tidy as it used to be. Pop has a lady friend but she lives an hour away so we haven't met her yet. I'd love for him to find a nice lady closer to home just because he would have company more often. I'm too much of an introvert to be sociable at home much and... I'm grieving, too. I need quiet time to myself - away from the dog - which only happens when Pop is home.
So that's a small peek into my life at the moment. I post periodically on Facebook, mostly photos and the occasional wordy status update. I post on Instagram, it's more my speed to the Insta-stories. I'm still waking up every day and giving life my best shot. I miss you all and wish I could commit to blogging more frequently but right now, I just don't have it in me. Hope you're all well! Love and hugs, friends!
Friday, February 23, 2018
Posted by Heather at 12:28 PM