Worried Wednesday...

The setting: a small town church on Easter morning. The choir is singing and the church is packed. I'm squeezed into a pew with my children, Purple Michael's mom and other family members. Michael's mother, a little southern lady from Tennessee, leans across a few people and says to me in a loud whispered southern drawl,
"I want you to have Michael's children"... and I answer... whispering...
"I can't have any more children, I'm fixed."... so she says, confidently
"we can reverse that." Perplexed, I answer:
"but you know he's gay, right? He doesn't want to make babies with me"
We're in church, remember. A Methodist church but a sanctuary nonetheless.
She ponders that roadblock for a minute and then leans over and whispers a little louder,
"It's ok. We'll get him drunk."

That's Barbara. As we say here in the South, "Bahhhhbra". And she is sick in the hospital. Her family has asked for prayer and since I know there are a lot of you here who believe, like me, in the power of prayer, I thought I'd ask that you lift my Purple Mother-in-law up in prayer. She is precious in His sight and she is likewise precious in mine. I pray that she is returned to full health and that her sweet family will have full peace about her well-being.

I've become addicted to The Big Bang Theory because I have a fruit fly* crush on Jim Parsons, who plays Sheldon. Sheldon carries himself much in the same way as my Purple Michael. Every time Sheldon purses his lips and tilts his head before making a haughty declaration - I flash back to Michael's lectures on topics such as flip flops and pink nail polish ("You are not six years old and your name is not Barbie!").

I so strongly believe that God brings people to our minds in the time when they are standing in the need of prayer. Mama Vaughn has been sick for a little while. Michael, like me, says the least when his heart is burdened the most. Even before I knew that he was worried about his mama, I had already been thinking and praying for my dear friend thanks to Sheldon. Michael and I have never needed words to connect us. I love him so.

And while you're on your knees, even if, like me, you don't actually bend a knee (as I tend to pray most earnestly while driving to work), please remember my young friend Liz. Liz is the daughter of a friend that I met through AOL Journals back in the day. When we traveled to Boston for my birthday - six and a half years ago - I met Liz and her mama and have been bonded to both ever since. Liz's boyfriend has gone missing and she is worried sick. Pray with us that he is safe and is found soon.

Austin is still out of the Jobs Program and still, therefore, out of work. I want to solve all of his problems for him... bring him here with us or somehow, be able to help him from long distance. It's not like a kid who has gone off to college. He is so very unprepared for the big bad world out there and I worry about him daily. He has stepped away from the safety nets that would have protected him - church and the job program. I just worry. There's nothing I can do for him other than make sure his phone stays turned on so he has a lifeline. And pray, of course. I have to believe that God watches over him because otherwise, I would not be able to stand this situation that he's in.

I didn't sleep well last night... working the early schedule today... feeling drawn to watch the debate tonight but so very frustrated with this whole electoral process that I can't imagine it being anything except an aggravation. I worry about the State of our Nation. I worry about the future. I worry about worrying too much... the new *magic pills* that the doctor prescribed for me are $219 a month so I sadly had to leave them at the pharmacy. I'm going to have to call the doctor back and ask for something that does the same thing for much less money.

And so, if you, like me, are having a Worried Wednesday, I hope you find solace and peace through prayer, or whatever makes you able to keep moving forward. Love and hugs, y'all!

*fruit fly = girl who hangs around gay men

A Long Whine and then a brief "Reasons I Loved Monday" post.

I wrote a "Reasons To Love Monday" blog in my head while I was driving in monsoon rains to pick my sweet daughter-in-law up from school yesterday. It was really good. Too bad I can't type and drive. Or remember anything for more than ten minutes.

I was sorta blue about missing out on spending my four days off up in the mountains. My master plan was any time I had more than two days off in a row, to spend them at the mountain house but... Friday my car broke down, Ryan was in town, we had monsoon rains and I would have hated driving home in that... so, really, it seems that I was not supposed to be in the mountains last weekend.

Plus... the front that moved through that brought heavy rain really did a number on my spine. I'm having trouble walking. I'm either dragging my left leg or leaning on things and it frustrates me. Stairs would have been tough.

I haven't seen the new schedule yet but I'm going to work towards spending at least every third weekend up there. I need it. I'm sure that today is going to be crazy/busy since I missed the past two work days and I have a one hour class this morning. I see working late in my future... I'm going to just soak up the extra time and see if I can't put it toward a YabbaDabbaDO Day.

Every time I struggle with walking, I feel the sands dripping through the hour glass. How much longer can I work? How much longer will I be able to just head off to the mountains on my own? I've got debts hanging over my head and things like the car breaking down just adds to those debts. I feel like I'm split between two places - a job that I love and a mountain house that I love. I'm split between being at the home place where I can help/be helped & spend time with Cody and Marquee... and between the mountains where I am spiritually grounded and I can be close to Austin and help him. (he's still out of work).

I love my job and actually LIKE being at work, up until the point that it hurts. Being a slug all weekend did nothing to slow the pain in my spine. I did a little shopping on Friday. A little shopping on Saturday. Nothing - and I mean NOTHING on Sunday. I made beef stew yesterday and went to pick up Marquee. Other than that, nothing. And still... I'm walking like an old woman.

I go back to the pain specialist on November 19th. We're going to have to get serious about some support, whether that means a brace or a cane or something that helps me walk on days like I've had this week. They want to try more shots, specifically for my right arm which has been giving me trouble. Ugh. I was prepared for the arthritis to affect my spine/legs because that's where we started but once it started causing pain in my elbows and hands... it made me realize this beast is not as predictable as I would like it to be.

There's another layer to that onion. There is this guy who keeps asking me out and I keep telling him that I don't date. I'm managing my circumstances the best I can with the resources I have available. I'm at "critical mass" physically... I can't add a social schedule to my work schedule with any expectation of reasonable pain management. I don't want to have to indoctrinate someone new with the limitations and frustrations I deal with... I don't want to take a risk that someone would get a few dates in and then realize that I don't usually feel like going anywhere or doing anything and then have to deal with their rejection. I don't want someone to feel sorry for me yet it really hacks me off to have someone not comprehend the amount of pain I live with on a daily basis. I don't want to be a burden to anyone else.

There's an old flame who would like to be back in my life on a limited basis and it's tempting (limited due to geography and obligations). I've explained some of my limitations to him but I've never really sat down and spelled out my ultimate, worst case scenario. He wants to give it a shot and I just don't know... I've already gotten over him before, watching him get engaged to someone else (literally - he handed me the camera to take pictures for them) and rewriting the story in my head about my happily ever after - minus him. Some of the circumstances that came between us then no longer matter but... still... would it just be a matter of time before my limitations become too much of a burden? I feel like that's the unavoidable outcome with anybody and everybody so I am finding I have a tendency to limit the potential for future disappointment.

And that's the hang up, really, in any relationships or friendships or family... to explain to people the list of things I flat out CAN'T do anymore (like ride on roller coasters), things that I'd rather NOT do any more because of the amount of pain it causes (like go out to eat - if there's a long wait or a hard seat or we're seated in a booth where I can't get comfortable) and things that I can sometimes do without trouble and yet other times it's pure agony (like walking up and down stairs) and making people understand that I have no control over what will hurt and when it will hurt. I may have a couple of days with muscle spasms (like last Friday) or I may have a few days when the arthritis is really bad and I'm unable to move easily, so that anything that involves movement involves pain. And while I work really hard at keeping even tempered and positive, regardless of the pain level, I'm sure there are times when I'm really un-fun to be around.

Somewhere in this long, rambling whine was supposed to be a "Reasons I Loved Monday" post so let me spit out a few so I can get ready for work:
1. New episode of How I Met Your Mother. Always makes me happy.
2. I made an awesome crock pot full of beef stew for dinner.
3. My cat loves me.
4. It was a day off - rainy day off - but day off none-the-less.
5. I woke up. I went to sleep. It was another day that the Lord made.
6. I got to spend time with my daughter-in-law and future mother of my grandchildren and I'm always impressed with how smart she is.

Must glam. Love you guys!

Not Much to Tell You

It's raining outside.
I let another couple of days go by without blogging, even though I wrote a few entries in my head.
My BooBoo is still in Atlanta - got here Monday evening and I believe he's heading home tomorrow.
He worked about a hundred hours last week.
I worked about twenty.
I ended up with a four day weekend due to some rearranging of the work schedule.
It would have been a great weekend to go to the mountains except for the fact that Friday morning, my car broke down.
Had I been headed to the mountains, that little mishap would have happened somewhere in the middle of Atlanta rather than 1/2 a mile from my parents' house.
I called State Farm's newly enhanced roadside assistance, had my car towed to the mechanic and was back on the road by Friday evening.
It was some sort of fuel sensor thing-a-ma-bob.
I spent Saturday morning with my kids (well, 2/3 of them + daughter-in-law) searching for Sarabeth's birthday present.
She's having a Georgia Bulldog birthday party. I was afraid this would happen.
I mean... her nursery was decorated in UGA colors when she was a baby.
Jamie's was decorated in Berry College colors.
Subliminal messaging about the importance of a college education.
Anyways... if my beautiful about to be ten year old niece is gonna be a fan, I want to make her a stylish fan.
And so I enlisted the help of my kids (-1, + daughter) and we searched four stores before I found exactly the  right gift.
It killed me to drop my hard-earned money on such. That should tell you how much I love her!
I had found her something else I really liked at the thrift store on Friday - and something I really love for my purple lovin' stylish little Jamie-gurl.
This was the scene of the great break-down. The car, not me. Not this time.
Other than the thrift store, the breakdown, the shopping trip... there's not much to tell you.
Breakfast at iHop with the kids (-1 +daughter) and then my super-talented sons (-1) cooked an awesome dinner for us last night. Steak and mashed potatoes, squash, sauteed mushrooms and onions.
I've watched a lot of football.
Watched a lot of documentaries.
Rearranged my castle in Castleville.
Picked up a prescription.
Cleaned up some dog vomit.
Another day off tomorrow... then I work four days, two days off... can't remember the rest of the schedule as my office manager told me over the phone on Friday.
I still love my job.
Having a little bit of stiffness, hands and hips, mostly. It's been damp outside, kicking that arthritis into gear.

Not much to tell you...
Just life.

Thankful For YABBA DABBA DO!

The calendar may say "Thursday" but it's my Yabba Dabba Do Day, which makes it MY Friday. It's been a long, long week. Yesterday I got to the office twenty minutes early hoping to get ahead of the game and I still ended up staying about twenty minutes late.

Ryan left for work before me - before 8 am and the last I heard, he wasn't expected back to Cody's house until 1am. At one point he called Cody to go to the job site and help him. THAT'S a long day.

It's all in perspective, I suppose. I can only tell you about the view from here... and this...

 

is usually the view from my nest. This picture was taken around 3pm yesterday. Yes, those are pajamas. At 3pm yesterday I was TOAST. Exhausted. Worn out. Done. (and yes, I have some incredibly ugly toes. don't judge.)

Mama picked up Marquee from school (which I sometimes do but didn't yesterday, which was good since I got hung up at the office). Cody cooked dinner for us - spaghetti. Then Cody and Marquee rushed off to help Ryan. Pop went to church. And I stayed in the nest. 

I would love to be ten feet tall and bullet proof again, like when I was going from work to work or work to the ball field or work to church. But... I have to remind myself that my limits are different from other people's limits and what I do is already more than my doctors thought I'd be able to do. 

I've been tempted to ask my doctor to print off the list of my diagnosis' that pops up on their computer screen when they go into my computerized file... just to remind myself on the days that it's ok. Between osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, spondylolisthesis, spinal stenosis, COPD (although, thankfully, I haven't had a lung issue since June) tachycardia (which has been seriously bugging me lately) and so on and so on... I'm doing quite alright. 

I have to convince my cats that they really don't need to sleep at my feet every night. I've been sleeping like an upside down question mark to accommodate them and it's muy uncomfortable. That's probably why I end up in the recliner for my last hour or so of sleep. 

I also need to convince Sammy and Oscar that they don't have to compete for my attention when I walk in the door... Sammy is crated when we're not here and Oscar USED TO make sure I let Sammy out the minute I get home... but because Oscar doesn't want to share me... lately he's been growling when I let Sammy out. And then they compete to see who can get closer to my face when I sit down...

Today I'm working 11:30 to 4:30 so the animals will already have been uncrated and spoiled before I get home. I *might* be able to just slip quietly into the pjs and watch The Five uninterrupted. 

Since I have a little time on my hands this morning, I'm going to chase a few more branches of the family tree. Right now I'm deeply steeped in Scottish history. It's interesting but requires a good bit of concentration. 

Hope you have a great Thursday! 8 hours until my Yabba Dabba Do!

What a Wonderful Wednesday!

When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now... will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine? If I'd been out til quarter to three, would you lock the door? Will you still need me, will you still feed me... when I'm sixty four?

Happy Birthday to my sweet mama today! I'm so grateful to God that He has brought us closer together and that we have become partners in pain. She understands the days that I just can't move... and I understand when she goes to bed at 7pm. Living with chronic pain is frustrating but knowing you have an ally in the house who *gets it* makes it so much easier. (And oh, poor Pop! Having to live with two of us and taking care of his mama and overseeing three houses plus Grandma's business too! I don't know how he stands it but he does!)

We're hoping to gather the fam plus the boys' best friend, Joshy, who IS family to us, at Buca di Beppo, a really fun Italian restaurant on Saturday. You can follow the link to check it out, if you'd like. It's a long drive but it would be a lot of fun.

BooBoo, my oldest, is here working this week. He lives in Pennsylvania but works all over. This week Georgia, next week Wisconsin... moss doesn't grow on him! I'm hoping we'll be able to get him up to the mountain house while he's here, even though that's going to make 3 or 4 weekends in a row that I'm making the trip. I mean... like that's a bad thing, right? If the worst problem I have in life is *having* to go to the mountains a few weekends in a row... It's all good.

I had my Cafe Bustelo espresso grind coffee this morning and it is so stinkin' good that I may drink a whole pot.

Of course, if we're as busy at work today as we have been the past two days, I might not oughta. I so very much love my job, still. But let me tell you... I do more in my twenty hours a week than I ever did in my 38.5 hours a week in that other place! I can barely get up to go to the bathroom sometimes. It took over an hour and a half between *urge to go*  and ability to get away from the phone yesterday. My sales numbers are as high as some of the full time people. I'm seriously making the most of my part-time status!

My boss is a smart-a$$ - which, fortunately is a language I speak fluently. Yesterday he had a little something taken off of his face and had this big gauze pad covering his cheek. I said, "You ought to try being nice to people so they don't punch you in the face" and he said, "I will... right after I say this, - SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK" and we all cracked up. He dictated a letter to my supervisor yesterday and then told her to give it to me to "fix up" since word of my mad writing skillz has gotten out. Not the blog, just my skillZ. I'm not sure I'm ready to be that transparent at work again. Too much bad juju in the past from my sharing my thoughts and stuff. I mean... I wouldn't DIE if the blog got out but I'm not giving anybody a road map, like I've done in the past. I don't even have pictures up at work. I'm just loving my job and loving my real life and for now, "never the twain shall meet".

Our office manager returns to work today after spending three weeks in Italy. She sent the most gorgeous photos from Venice yesterday! She wasn't IN Venice yesterday, she was just finally home and going through her photos. I've missed her. She's - hands down - the best diplomatic, compassionate, competent - person I've worked for, not just in this business but in any and every job ever. I didn't even meet the agents until I'd been there a week or so. Honestly, the wife agent came in last week and I thought she was a customer, didn't recognize her at first! The office manager really manages the office which is what enables us to run two agencies under the same roof with the same people - two are full time, two work four days a week, two work three days a week, three work two days a week, there are a couple of stragglers who work an odd day here and there - taking care of getting photos and stuff, one is full time except she comes in late two days a week and then there's me and my little twenty hours a week and we all keep the little train on the track somehow. That takes a lot of organization!

Anyways... I'm working 9-2 today, 11:30-4:30 tomorrow and... that's my week. You gotta love it!

Hope you all have a Wonderful Wednesday and I'll check in again soon! Love and hugs!

Reasons to Love Monday... After a Three Day Weekend

Did I really just burn thru a three day weekend that quickly? Ugh. I woke up at dark-thirty with my back ... screaming is the word that comes to mind but I know that won't make sense unless you have ever had back pain. Screaming back pain, that is.

I work from 9-2 the first three days this week and then 11:30-4:30 on Thursday. I would kinda sorta like to work the earlier schedule on Thursday too, so that if I decide to go to the mountains this weekend (and I'm kinda sorta thinking I might) I could go up on Thursday before rush hour and would have more time up there.  

But I also kinda sorta feel like maybe I shouldn't. There is some physical work involved in being there by myself... carrying my own stuff in, the trips up and down the stairs to my basement nest... taking the trash and so on... and I feel it in my spine today, believe me.

But... I really love the solitude and all. To which Cody said last night, "Is it noisy here?" and I said... "not noisy but there is a difference - to me, at least - being in the mountains" Like... this kind of difference...

Anyways... gas is $3.69 a gallon and I have to think about the cost involved in going up there.

Although I could do it cheaper than I did this past weekend because I definitely splurged on some favorite foods when I could have easily just done a crock pot full of beans and made some cornbread. But anyways... haven't decided yet.

I keep hoping that Austin will want/need my help, even though that in itself is costly. I want to be around and able to help when he needs me. If he needs me.

So. Anyways. It's Monday. And we need to find some Reasons To Love It... here goes:

1. I did my laundry last night. Organized, folded, hung up. Ready to pick out something cute to wear once I figure out the weather.

2. I made this great batch of taboule this weekend and brought a bunch of it home. Breakfast of champions!

3. It's five hours. I mean. it's not like I'm pulling a twelve hour shift in the coal mines or anything. I love my job, I love my schedule, I love what I do and the people I work with.

4. My friend Whitney from Jacksonville found out last week that she's having a baby girl! I'm so stinkin' excited for them that I can barely stand it. A little girl with Whitney's personality and her honey's - also amazing - personality - is going to be just a treasure. The only things I miss about Jacksonville are the library, the beach and Whitney. And maybe a few restaurants.

5. Temperatures in the mid-seventies for a high today... I might try wearing tights. I love tights. I can't wait until it's cool enough for me to wear my cute boots. It's Fall, y'all!

6. Twice this weekend TWICE, I tell you! I had someone compliment how I look which... seriously... I'm super fat, fatter than I was when I started Weight Watchers the last time... and it semi-sorta bothers me when I catch my profile in the mirror and it sorta bothers me when I can't fit into stuff I want to wear but... being told that I look good even though I'm fat makes me feel like a runway model.

7. Today is my Uncle Carl's birthday. We have a big cluster of birthdays in our family - Daddy on the 21st, Carl on the 24th, my mama and my cousin Dixie on the 26th. My nephews Joshua and Matthew also have birthdays this month.

8. I spent yesterday afternoon reading about Scottish history. There's a twig of the family tree that (I believe, if I'm correct, usual disclaimer) led back to Robert the Bruce, a Scottish King who... ironically was responsible for the death of John Comyn, who is another ancestor, I believe.

9. Work. Picking up Marquee. Back in the nest by 3pm, if I'm lucky. We'll beat this Monday thing. We can do it.

10. My dad's cousin Leslie was born the same week he was... and the two of them were raised like twins, living at Great-grandma Ward's house when they were itty bitties. Leslie died tragically five years ago and this past weekend, her sweet daughter, Rachel, got married. I snagged this picture of the wedding party -Rachel's Gram - (also my Grandma's sister and sweet Steel Magnolia), Great Aunt Bette is 3rd from the right. So lovely! I love her dress. And Rachel's too!

Have a great Monday, y'all!

Random Sunday

Some random stuff about this weekend:

I never heard from Austin. He got his last paycheck on Friday and I guess he's "ghetto rich"... you know, the way people act in the ghetto when they get their guv'ment check, spending unwisely.

I have been perfectly content here in the quiet, resting with no obligations. This place restores my soul.

The pain doctor put me on an anti-inflammatory drug that must be expensive because he had samples. So far, on the smallest dose, it's making a difference. We may have had a break through.

I made a stop by Publix on my way up and bought: a premade salad, a half of a key lime pie, coffee creamer, cherries, figs, hummus and pita, those phyllo dough baked twists things that are crazy addictive and the makings for taboule.

Yesterday I went to the bakery and bought dog treats, cheese sticks (you may have to be southern to know what those are), something special for my mama, and a frozen entree- chicken enchiladas.

I realized that we didn't have olive oil or lemon juice for making taboule so I went to the market and bought those things. Plus chapstick, which I had lost and found immediately after buying a new tube. Plus q-tips because if we have them here, I couldn't find them and I felt like moss was growing in my ears.

In summary, I've not starved up here but I did spend more than I meant to.

Gas was $3.69/gallon when I filled up yesterday.

I had made arrangements to get the mailbox put up as my birthday present for mama and daddy and they decided not to put a mailbox up here so it wouldn't accumulate junk mail. The guy who was gonna do it was one of those in the Redneck Mafia during that disappointing dating season I had up here. We had a nice visit, even though we're still on a big fat "no" of wanting to date and even though he didn't put up the mailbox.

I'm not anti-men but I certainly have gotten past the need to have one in my life. Except when I'm watching football or need a spider killed or a lightbulb changed.

I found out that my u bend fluorescent bulb for my bathroom needs to be a u12 which they don't make any more but I've got a friend who thinks he's got the hook up for me. Otherwise, we need to change out the connector dealies. Right now I'm using a lamp with a bright bulb in my bathroom. It's kinda spooky.

I think we need some kind of marker at the top of the driveway to show people where we are, although the directions are super simple, I think.

I found out the county sheriff lives in our little cove. That's comforting.

I'm coughing up thick green gunk. I think the season of bronchitis has arrived via the autumnal equinox.

Not having a tv up here doesn't bug me like I thought it would. I missed College Gameday yesterday but it featured two ACC teams so I had little interest. I kept up with games via internet.

I would, however, like to have a downstairs coffee pot because tumblin' out of bed and stumblin' to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of ambition is a might bit harder when there are stairs involved.

The light bulb blew in the stairway to my lair and I can't reach it well enough to change it.

I started transcribing Granddaddy Pennington's book because I think we should have a copy somewhere other than the yellowing, crumbling pages. I got through a chapter and a half. There are thirty-eleven chapters.

It's interesting to see his writing style, it's much like mine, I think... and it's such a treasure to be able to hear his voice through his words. He's been gone since I was ten... 34 years now. I loved him so much. He called me Heifer and I think it was a compliment.

Purple Michael is DEFINITELY coming for a stay at our Mountain Bed and Breakfast, although the breakfast might come from Glenda's instead of our kitchen. He'll be here working the Christmas Season at Stone Mountain - he does a skit that's a mini-version of A Christmas Carol (Scrooge) and it's so hilarious that even though I've seen it a dozen times, I cackle like a hen again and again. If you're in the Atlanta area you HAVE to go check it out and introduce yourself to Michael. He is every bit as fabulous as I describe him to be and I love him more than words can say.

I had a long talk yesterday with someone who has been a part of my heart for a long, long time. You know how you yearn for something for so long and it comes true but not in the way you thought it would... so you adjust your sails to accept the wind that is blowing? And then the wind comes along that you had expected and you realize how much of a difference it would have made if the right wind had blown in the first place? Or does that cryptic sentence only make sense to me?

Like, the time that the kids' dad admitted to me that my kids are the wonderful creatures they are because of MY efforts, not his (paraphrased, of course).

Or the time that a family member that had put distance between us called and said they regretted that... (paraphrased again - and then they distanced themselves again so that was probably not as sincere as I had hoped)

Or the guy that I was head over heels in love with who married someone else... but... actually, that's more than one guy, so I think the head over heels part was not a mature, seasoned kind of love, you know, the marrying kind. Which, I kinda think I've become and expert on, having played the wrong hand twice.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be. Remember that little saying? Anyways. That's where the wind and the sails comes in.

Time to wrap this up, quit waxing romantic, pack up the perishables and the dirty laundry and the trash and head back to the burbs. Goodbye sweet Mountain House! I'll be back as soon as I can!