the 18th of July

Today was a much better day than yesterday... even if it did take another phone call to the doctor to figure out why the pharmacy didn't have the meds they were supposed to call in yesterday morning. They had them filled in Riverdale - 100 miles away. Um. No. So they supposedly transferred back up here and should be ready today but I didn't even try to go back to town. I'll do that tomorrow.

But Austin is in a good mood and voluntarily vacuumed the whole house. Or the bottom two levels, at least. Nobody but cats and me go to the top floor. He helped me relocate some books that I was anxious would end up damp with our leaky basement issues. He's... well, he's trying.

Saturday they will be going up to Grandma's house in Hayesville, NC (just over the mountain) to get the furniture that we are inheriting from her. We had left the house mostly furnished for staging. There is a contract on the house and it's set to close in August. This means we'll have a normal height kitchen table which will compliment the chairs and the sideboard and the china cabinet and my high top table - with it's barstools - will go into the Whine Cellar to be part one of the kitchenette. And there are beds coming! BEDS! Not that I don't love my comfy couch but... my broke-down spine needs a real bed. My first disability check is going toward the best mattress I can afford. And toward a mini-fridge, microwave, coffee pot, etc for my little kitchen. I'd love to have a sink down here. Nothing fancy, just a little something. And exposed shelves instead of cabinets so I can display my teacup collection.

I spent a very long time working on my genealogy today. Seriously... more than six hours and I'm still in the middle of a project that I'd like to finish tonight but... I'm getting sleepy, very sleepy. I'm even skipping the eviction episode of Big Brother because I don't want to lose the very zen-like space I'm in with ancestry.com. I've hit on a branch that's giving me lots and lots more ancestors and I just want to follow it without interruption until I crash and go to sleep. It may be a few days before I have this kind of peace and quiet so I want to take advantage of that research time.

In my little blogging community there are three situations that need prayer: 1, a lady my age who is about to lose her mother to cancer. She's in the final stages. 2. A young mother who had a pre-term delivery of a 20 week gestation baby. Her water had been leaking since week 14 and they were just trying to manage it long enough for viability which, sadly, didn't happen. They will bury him tomorrow.  and 3. A friend whose ex-husband is in big trouble for some inappropriate activity - like  violation of laws - with his employer and could very possible get fired. And go to jail. My friends' only income is her alimony and child support which would likely go away if his employer doesn't allow him to stay on. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have the "will they or won't they" approve my disability on the first attempt argument with myself until I work my heartrate up and get dizzy and about pass out. It's like my very own slothish cardio!

No pictures tonight since I left the camera in the kitchen and I don't feel like walking upstaris.

Happy Friday Eve, y'all and thanks so much for stopping by.

We Haven't Had A Whiny Wednesday Lately

So today I ventured into town to pick up prescriptions, cat food, cat litter and to let Austin buy some snacks with his food stamps.

First - it's a hundred degrees outside and I don't hold up well in the heat. I grew up without air conditioning but I'm older and heavier and on a lot of medication that affects these things.

Second - I get to the pharmacy and there are two cars ahead of us and it takes for-blooming-ever and we pull up at fifteen minutes until 2pm and that's when they shut down the pharmacy for lunch. They don't have one of the meds I need to pick up and the total for the other two meds is $178. Um. No. See. I have been on the same drugs for the better part of a year and I know how much stuff costs, even without health insurance. I have this little pharmacy discount card and that's really saved me a lot of money over the past year without insurance. But. For whatever reason they didn't apply the discount card (even though they used it at the other Rite Aid and when I picked things up LAST month they used it but... whatever.) I knew that my total for all of the meds together is about $125 and I knew this total was wrong. They COULD ring it up with the discount but I would have to pull around, park and come in because by the time they ring me up it will be time for lunch. I must be an idiot because I couldn't figure out the difference between them fixing their error while I remained in the drive-thru and them ringing it up when I parked and walked to the back of the store but, whatever. I said, "look... walking is really hard for me, I'm disabled... can you just recalculate it?" No. They couldn't. So I parked... went in and asked the nice lady that has been filling my prescriptions for years to check and see if I overpaid last month. I didn't. They applied the discount then. Just not this time. She recalculated and reprinted everything and the total was $50.

Let me go sidebar here and address the crime that these pharmaceutical companies are committing against people. If they could give it to me with NO REAL insurance - I mean, I just have a little card that came in the mail addressed to "resident" and it saves me $128 and more a month? Then why not just have the cost lower in the first place. You know why? Because they can bill the government for Medicare and Medicaid prescriptions and they can bill these insurance companies for big money and they can set these falsely inflated prices that really end up hurting people like me, you know, the ones who actually have to pay for stuff. Fuss all you want about the cost of health insurance and how crooked and evil health insurance companies are... Big Pharm is the one setting these ridiculous costs.

After a really painful walk back to the car, the teen is ranting and raving that he had checked his food stamp balance and his food stamp money didn't come and that he now has to go back and reapply because he apparently didn't get the notice to reapply since our mailman decided that only the "Grants" should get mail at this address. And I'll tell ya... I feel bad for him in a way but on the other hand if all he has to do to keep getting $200 worth of free junk food every month is make sure his address is up to date and make sure he keeps his info up to date with the food stamp people then, why not? It's not like he's busy doing things like cutting the grass. Although I was really aggravated at the whole pharmaceutical debacle, I tried to encourage him by saying, "it really wasn't that bad to deal with them on the phone once I got through... " and "if you want, we can by the DFCS place and fill out your application. I'll be glad to do it for you" but because he's 19, I'm the stupidest person on the face of the earth and know not of which I speak.

We go to the Ingles across from the pharmacy and almost get in a wreck because someone is going much faster through that little part of town than they should be and I couldn't see past teens big head. In Ingles there's a big argument about whether or not he did a good job changing the litter box last time (no. the old litter is mingled in with the new.) and then we pick the slowest checkout aisle with this tiny woman complaining about something not costing what she thought it would cost and raising hell about saving her 29cents. The aisle next to us moved a lady with two buggies in the time it took them to solve this woman's twenty-nine problems. The irony is not lost on me but come on, twenty-nine cents vs. $128? Who has more of an issue?

More heat. More grumpy kid. I reminded him that in two days his grandparents will be here and will want to investigate the leak in his room so I offer to help him make sure his room is ready for close inspection. He loses his head and gets super nasty so... since we're already there... I remind him that I asked him to move the books out of my bedroom and that he asked me not to nag him and allow him to do it over a few days but it's been three days and nothing has been moved. And then. For whatever reason he can't get the front door unlocked and - because I'm the mother it's my fault - and then he tells me I've had this jar sitting in the sink for over a week - although it's a jar that I only bought on Monday and only finished yesterday and washed it thinking that periodically we need a handy dandy glass jar and it's NOT FREAKING HURTING ANYONE SITTING THERE SINCE I DO THE DANG DISHES!!!

whew.

And then. Because every Bad Day Sundae needs a cherry on top - his former girlfriend sends me a facebook message asking me to make sure Austin doesn't burn her things like he is threatening. I called him upstairs and asked if this was his intent and he told me to stay out of it. And I mean. Good grief.

I'm incredibly aggravated at the irony of Al Sharpton and his ilk are calling people to "march" and stand up against young people being killed walking down the street because that only happens to black kids... and it's only perpetrated by white folks. Whatever.

Other than that... I learned how to fish braid and I think it's cute. It's at least different. There are new mushrooms in the yard. They aren't big but they're interesting. I posted pictures of both hair and mushrooms. Honey Boo Boo comes on tonight and I don't care if they're crass, they amuse me. And there is still ice cream so life will go on.

Happy Wednesday.

As I Was Sayin'.....

 The kid is at the top of the hill cutting grass. I don't know how far he'll get but he woke up this morning afternoon with the intention of doing this and is following through without any prodding from me. That feels like a major victory.

Another major victory was that I got a really good night's sleep. I went downstairs around 8:30 and curled up on the loveseat looking out on the backyard while the sun was setting. Austin and I decided we needed an ice cream break around 9pm and not long afterwards, I was getting sleepier and sleepier. I started reading Bill O'Reilly's book, "Killing Kennedy" which I have had for some time and haven't read yet. I only got a few pages in before I crashed. I woke up a few times during the night but each time got back to sleep with no problem. I woke up around 7am and went upstairs to watch the news. I don't want to get up with the chickens any more but I do like to be awake before 9am (as happens some days).

I am so certain that Kate is going to have that Royal baby during the night while I'm sleeping and I'm going to miss out on all the media anticipation. I seriously have to check online when I wake up during the night. At one point - I think around 3am - Austin thought I was "awake already" because I got on my laptop briefly. I said, "no, I'm not really awake... " I'm sleep surfing. I know it's crazy but I've already explained why I'm such a Brit Wit. I haven't found the exact link yet but mark my words, Will and Kate are cousins of mine. I'm sure of it.

Remember my bold statement yesterday about how much I love being single and blah blah blah? Would it surprise you in the least to know that I got a call today from a previous romantic interest who is now - after many, many years - single again? Single and still holding a candle for little old me, as it turns out. There is so much history between us. We have been friends since Austin was in diapers.  I've seen him through some heartbreaking times and vice versa. When he proposed to his last wife, I was sitting right beside them and it broke my heart. Can you imagine carrying a torch for someone and have them say, "can you take pictures while I propose..." TO SOMEONE ELSE? On the day they got married I was devastated. I went without sleep for three nights in a row - I mean, really disappointed and sad. He called a few days later and although we don't talk often, we've never really been out of touch. A few times a year we have these marathon phone calls where we catch up on everything. We have always been friends first and foremost. Our friendship has outlasted so many other relationships in our lives, including two marriages a piece.


I debated about whether or not to mention it here because for folks in my real life (and there are more "real life" folks than internet only folks who read my blog) it's not something that I really want to discuss face to face with anyone. It's just one of those tragic romances that make for great chick flicks but really suck if you have to live through it. My situation today is no different from yesterday: I spend my days in a recliner because I can't sit upright without pain. I don't go out to eat. I don't go to movies. It takes everything I have to buy groceries and prepare meals. I live with constant, chronic pain. This is poison to a relationship and I will not be the person to inject that poison in anyone else's life. I carry enough guilt for not being able to be present in my childrens' lives, to be able to travel to spend time with them. I carry enough guilt for not being able to go to my nieces' basketball games. Or go to church. Or spend the kind of time I should with my grandmother. Or hang out with friends. I am an outgoing woman who isn't going out. And that's what I told him.

But I also told him that I do care about him. I told him I would answer the phone if he called. For those who know me in real life, you know what a huge deal that is! I don't voluntarily talk on the phone ever. If there was an emergency, I'd try to find a way to email 9-1-1.

The irony isn't lost on me, though, testing how sure and strong I am in my resolve that I am really very ok as a single person. It's like the universe said, "OH REALLLLLY????" Yes. Really.

The grass cutting didn't last long. Austin's using a substitute lawnmower because the good lawnmower lost the shield thing that directs the grass to the side. The substitute mower is not self-propelled and we live on a steep incline. He's not the most fit kid in the world and it's finally feeling like July in Georgia. He didn't last long. I still give him an A for initiative but he's getting about a C- on progress. Mom thinks this sub lawnmower is easier and is determined that she will cut the grass if he won't. Y'all feel free to tell her she has no business cutting grass. For that matter, feel free to tell Austin to suck it up and get'r'done.

By the way, how cute are my cats? That second picture of Little Trouble Kitty cracks me up! I may be spending too much time with cats but he has such a funny personality! They got a little stir crazy today because it was too warm to leave the door to the screened porch open so they had to stay inside.

There doesn't seem to be much on tv tonight. I think this is going to be one of those nights that I spend hours on ancestry.com trying to weed through all the little leaves of leads that I have there.

I made tabbouleh with orange tomatoes and avocados today. It was so good that I ate lunch at 10:45. And that made me want dinner at 4pm when Austin came upstairs and had these frozen chicken taquito things. He ate about half of that huge pot of beef stew I made yesterday along with the mayonnaise rolls I made to go with it. The rolls were insanely good... it's a simple recipe: 2 cups flour, 1 cup milk, 1/4 cup mayo. I add in garlic and cheddar cheese for a little extra flavor. Cook in a muffin tin at 425 until brown. I think it's like 15 minutes. They taste a lot like the biscuits at Red Lobster and go perfectly with beef stew. I hated heating up the kitchen but YUM!

Anyways. That's what the sixteenth of July looked like around here. Happy Tuesday, y'all.

The 15th of July

 

Six years ago today I was married in Vegas. We all know how well that worked out... fourteen months later I was headed away from that nightmare. It was a short time of my life... I've had longer relationships with people that I've never even mentioned by name on here... but it was transformational in many, many ways. This selfie was me in the bathroom of our gorgeous hotel room. I had just come back from the salon where I had a professional blowout and straightening on my hair. I had MacGyvered my dress from an uncomfortably tight size 12 by adding a strip of elastic beside the zipper to give me an extra inch of fabric. I still have the dress. It hangs in the closet of Austin's bedroom beside my other wedding dress. Two marriages to blue-eyed Catholic boys and neither one was "happily ever after".

That all feels like a lifetime ago.

This... is what July 15th looks like now.  It's not about celebrating the anniversary. It's about celebrating the survival. At the end of the day, through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, my life is good not because of the men I've loved but because I've learned to love myself. It took me a long time but it's so important that it bears repeating: you don't have to be part of a couple to be happy. You are worthy of love not because of who loves you but because of who you are. I've had the opportunity to be involved in relationships since then... still do... I don't have to be single. I CHOOSE to be single. I like it that way. From age..... I don't know... thirteen or fourteen... I believed that I had to be WITH somebody to BE somebody. That's just not true. It was a lesson that nearly cost me my life but believe me, it's better to be single than to be in the wrong relationship. I've had a few guys accuse me of being stuck-up or thinking I was too good for them ... and I've had to say, "it's not you... I'm just not willing to do this at this point of my life".

Other than that. It started out as another rainy day. It cleared up long enough this morning for me to make a trip to the grocery store. I have figured out that the only days I feel like doing anything are the days I take percocet. That doesn't make me happy but it helps me know what to do when I have to do it. I just have to time things where I'm still getting the benefit of the pain medicine without experiencing the altering effects. It's tricky but I managed. It felt good to have a guilt free grocery trip and I was super conscious of being a good steward of the blessings we've been given. Other than ice cream I didn't buy any junk stuff. I worked really hard at picking things that were nourishing and relatively healthy. Ok. I'll admit to one frozen pizza but a week without frozen pizza here at the mountain house is like a week without tacos in Mexico. Or something like that. I made a huge crockpot full of beef stew today that will last us several days. (The carrots are crinkle cut because they were on sale for 99cents for a bag of carrots of crinkle cut vs. several dollars for a bunch of carrots that I would have had to cut myself).

I also had to pick up meds at the pharmacy today. That always bums me out but... I know that I'm only on the stuff I have to be on to function so I bite the bullet and thank God that I'm able to afford to do this still.

I'm in such a state of limbo until I get the disability approved. I just try to keep the faith and know that it's going to all work out. It just feels like time is standing still and flying by at the same time, if that makes sense.

I'm tired of hearing about the George Zimmerman trial. What turns me off is that so many people are angry about this one white/hispanic on black crime that went - supposedly - unpunished. What about the people who live in my old hometown of Riverdale who are afraid to go out after dark because of black on white crime or black on black crime? It hurts to know that I don't really have a hometown to go home to. Once my parents move out of there, I won't go back. It's a community in decline because of the increase of violence. That's not a racial statement, it's a statement of fact. It breaks my heart to think that an innocent young man's life was cut short but having lived in an area where people who look like Trayvon would give me cause for concern... I don't know that you can blame people for being afraid enough to defend themselves or even to take the offense to stand their ground and defend their neighborhood against crime. I have nephews who look like Trayvon but I can guarantee you they aren't walking around in the dark wearing a hoodie and they don't appear menacing. That's the thing. I had a couple of uncomfortable situations while living in Riverdale over the past year when young black men walking together in a group past our house made me uncomfortable. My response was to start talking to the dogs as I got out of my car to make sure people heard the dogs barking. I would say, "It's ok, Killer, mommy's home..."  I wish life wasn't that way but the thing that nobody seems to get is that people wouldn't be afraid of others or suspicious of others if there wasn't a precedence of crime and violence in those communities. You can't blame people who want to protect themselves.

And although I was never a Glee fan, I am always sad when a young person dies, especially when it's from (likely) substance abuse. The high is never worth the low. My heart breaks for his young girlfriend and the way that her life will be forever changed.

I have a theory about Baby Cambridge. I think Will made Kate wait SOOOO long before he married her that she's getting back by keeping the whole world waiting for her baby. I can't wait for the new season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. There's another season of Who Do You Think You Are coming on TLC next Tuesday. These are the things that keep my interest these days.

The Nook is working again. I think Austin fixed it but I was asleep so I don't know how.

And now it's time to dig into my beef stew. Happy Monday, y'all.

The 13th of July

 Weekends are boring. I miss my weekday tv lineup.

Last night was another night of hardly any sleep. I was combing through Grandma's genealogy research to make sure I hadn't missed anything. It's tricky because she is of the generation that makes a gajillion copies of everything and so there's a lot of duplicated info. She also has some really great handwritten biographical stuff that is fun to read but difficult to read because... well... they're handwritten. I don't know if it's an age thing but neither of my grandmothers were strong on penmanship. Maybe they were in younger years. My handwriting is, I think, pretty nice. Who knows if it will continue to be.

Anyways... worked on digging through stuff until 11pm or so... laid down with my Nook to read but had a bit of a headache so instead I played sudoku until time for Big Brother After Dark and then went back upstairs to watch tv. I'm ready to have a tv in my nest. I miss that. I got back to bed after 2am and who knows when I finally went to sleep.

Little Kitty woke me up at 7:30 and I wasn't going to get up but he was so adorable in wanting me to pick him up and look out the back window. He purred his little heart out while I went through our checklist: "are the squirrels awake? are the geese awake? are the fish awake? are the doggies awake?" And when I had covered all the creatures, he was ready to jump down and I was wide awake.

We needed to make a run to Walmart and I wanted to do that before too late in the day because I dislike crowds, traffic, etc. Austin desperately needed a haircut and wanted one badly enough that he was insistent that I wake him up no matter what time I decided to go to town. I gave him until about 9:30 (and I think I dozed off a bit during that time) and hoped that would make for a brief trip. We timed it fairly well. We had to wait just long enough for Austin's turn that we were able to do all the shopping and pay but then I had to stand and wait while he got his haircut (with a full shopping cart that we couldn't take into the salon and hard wire benches outside of the salon that there's no way I could have sat on). Standing hurts.

The fella that cuts hair at the Walmart is rather flamboyant and was so ridiculously animated about not wanting to cut Austin's very thick hair. He said he wanted to just style it, put him in leather and take photos of him. It was... kinda funny. Then he - without being asked - waxed Austin's unibrow which came as a bit of a surprise to him. He didn't charge so I didn't complain. He looks much better after a little manscaping.

We got Austin a little air mattress to replace his ruined "bed"... and a new pillow to replace his ruined pillows... and I "splurged" ($10) on a mattress topper to go on top of my couch where I've been sleeping hoping that will lead to more success at sleeping. I bought a couple of meals because we still haven't gotten the food stamp card and it all added up to an amount of money that made me sick to my stomach. I try not to focus on this money thing too much. If worse came to worse I could liquidate my 401k but I really don't want to get to that point. As it turns out the air mattress is actually nicer than the beat up old (but really new) mattress that he did have so Austin was pleased. The mattress topper makes my little couch bed soooo much more comfy so I was pleased. I have to keep it clear in my head that just because I'm spending money doesn't mean that I'm wasting money and that's really what I have to watch out for. I could sleep on the bed in my parents room which is actually my bed but ... that's not really working for me.

I don't know if I've mentioned it but my Grandmother's house that has been on the market since LAST July when we moved her to assisted living is finally sold. Well, it will be. The closing is the first part of August. There is furniture there that will come here and of course, when my parents close up the old family homestead in Riverdale there will be all that furniture here too. It's sort of weird to have so many empty rooms here having always lived in houses that were not really big enough for all the people who lived there. And maybe when we have all the furniture here there will be somewhere for me to sleep where I can actually sleep. Of course... now that I think about it... I haven't been able to sleep a full night in one place for well over a year... and the point of these past two paragraphs was that I hope that the mattress topper on the couch will be money well spent.

At the risk of being redundant by talking about the weather everyday - the weather here has been so very unusually wet this Summer that it really is notable. From what I understand, the last wet Summer like this was in 1976 - which I don't remember because I was only 8 then. And for us, between battling with the water overflowing from the gutters into my bedroom and the water seeping through the foundation into Austin's room, rain really IS the story of the week. We thought we had solved the water problem in Austin's room and then today when he was geared up with new rug to cover the exposed concrete where we had to cut out the saturated carpet... he found some additional water and so now there's the whole question of whether or not it's a leak beyond the downspout pouring onto the foundation. It's tricky. This house sat empty for a time before my parents bought it and it's possible that there hasn't been this much rain since the house was even built. We are on a fairly steep slope and the wall where the water is entering the basement is facing uphill, therefore catching the water as it runs downhill in addition to having the downspout from the gutter at that same location. It hasn't rained today but it's been overcast and cooler all day. At midday it was only 70 degrees which is way lower than usual for Summer temps here. I love the lower temps, am growing weary of the rain.

I also can't help but wonder what kind of water damage would have resulted if this house had been empty all this Summer which, minus me and my kid, would have been the case for at least part of the Summer. You can see how wet the ground is...

Anyways... so about all I've got to share today: Walmart and the weather. Maybe I should stop blogging for a few days to have something interesting to say.

Hope you're all having a great weekend. Love and hugs!

My Internet Life

Today I wanted to recap a few of the many things that hold my interest online. Since I'm no longer working or raising kids or in a relationship or really able to go to movies or out to eat or to church or pretty much do anything at all without pain, a great deal of my life is screen time. I'm including links so you can check a few of these out for yourself. 

The Lord bless you and keep you;
 The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
 The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26

www.Lorialexander.blogspot.com posted the verse above today and it really touched me. Right after Darby and I split his 9 year old son's mom suddenly and tragically passed away as a complication of childbirth. After the memorial service I had a few minutes to enjoy her newborn son and this passage is what I prayed over him. I didn't even know the scripture reference (as you normally would when you share a bible verse) I just knew it in my heart and I felt that was God's special blessing on this baby boy. The reason I read this blog is because she frequently hits those special notes with me on spiritual matters. 

Big Brother has loooong been a favorite Summer past time of mine. This season is shaping up to be one of the better ones. There are a few folks in there who are blatantly racist and rude and to their misfortune, they have (unbeknownst to them) lost their jobs "on the outside". But the great thing is that good is triumphing over evil... and having true villains in the game makes for such great tv watching! You can purchase the live feeds and watch what they do 24/7 but I can't justify such a splurge. Instead, I have a few favorite recap sites: www.hamsterwatch.com and www.bbdish.blogspot.com which both keep me informed and save me from sitting in front of the computer all day (ok, that's not true- I'm still in front of the computer all day). Also, during the insomnia hours the live feed is on tv for free on channel TVGN, if you have that. 

I mentioned my aggravation with Castleville. I keep trying everyday but by the second time it freezes up I give up. Instead I've been reading more and more and more blogs every day. The funniest and my current favorite is mommy blogger Grace Patton at www.camppatton.com. Grace is a cradle Catholic who grew up and married the son of her godparents who just happens to be a very, very funny OB/GYN in training. (He's in Residency, I guess that makes him a real doctor not just a doctor in training). They have three kids already - 2, 1 and six months - and you get a  hilarious peek into the not-so-glamorous life of a doctor's wife. Funniest entries are "Simon Says". For realz. You must search the archives for them, they crack me UP!

Another Catholic mommy of three is "Martha" (not her real name) who blogs at www.fabricsandfun.wordpress.com. Likewise, she is a mother of three, the youngest who has a very serious, scary, rare illness that they are unable to get a clear diagnosis on. What I love is that her faith is strong and her attitude is remarkable. Despite the many challenges and heartaches they're facing, in between hospital stays she will have great completely normal life entries. I have a soft spot in my heart for mommies of three boys and I have really tried to support this sweet family with encouragement and prayer. 

I've mentioned this site before but it bears repeating: I love www.zulily.com! They offer really great discounted prices on clothes, shoes and home goods. My sketchers that I got there for a steal are my favorite shoes. If you want to buy from there let me send you and invite because it will earn me $20. I WOULD LOVE to have a little free consumer therapy. 

I also love www.asos.com. I have not yet bought from them but they have really stylish clothes that get deeply discounted at times. They have a plus size - "curve" division and it's one of those rare places that you can get clothes for big girls that don't look like they were made by Omar the Tentmaker. It's my favorite place to "window shop".  There is this gorgeous green dress that is on sale right now for $21.21 and I am very tempted to buy because it would totally fit my style, both lounging and "Sunday/go-to-meeting". I could easily see this dress with my go-to-look of tights and mary janes in the Winter. I could totally lounge around the nest in this. I'm telling you, I'm mighty tempted. Since I'm short, this would hit me below the knee, which I also like. I'm debating...

Speaking of style feels a little hypocritical as I am currently wearing light blue stretchy capris that I got at the thrift store with a long t-shirt layered under a darker blue t-shirt with my still wet from the shower hair in a side ponytail which will evolve to a side braid in a few minutes whenever I get up again. However, I do think that by the time you get to be my age, like it or not, good or bad, you have developed a personal style. Mine leans toward feminine but comfy, soft fabrics, non-tailored things. I'm more likely to be in dresses than pants or shorts. I love layering cardigans or my new soft, lightweight hoodie with dresses, even in the Summer (that indoor a/c is always too cool for me). There is this really cool mega-blogger who posts what she wears everyday. She is a fashion designer and a great seamstress so a lot of her stuff is unique and individual and not available in stores - and of course she's not shopping in the Plus department BUT she gives a lot of styling tips and ideas and has a slant toward vintage, classic clothing, which I love. Check her out at http://whatiwore.tumblr.com. 

And of course, I am still plugging away at cleaning up the family tree I have assembled at www.ancestry.com. If you've ever wondered it if would be worth your time/money, I would encourage you to do the two week free trial just to see how far you can get. IF it ends up being interesting to you, then maybe it would be worth it to purchase a subscription. I'm super frugal and will hardly never pay for any content online but this has been sooo worth it to me. 

I hope you'll check a few of these links out for yourself. Let me know what you think! I've also got a list of blogs on the left side of this page that is only a small fraction of the blogs I read regularly. If you have any places you would like me to check out, let me know. Gotta pass the time somehow and I feel like it keeps my mind engaged. 

Happy Weekend! Love and hugs, y'all!

The 11th

 I absolutely adore sweet Southern women who grow things in the dirt. There is a sense of assisting God with their understanding of how to make things grow. There is something almost Holy - definitely spiritual - in their gift, to be in tune with the patterns of living things. In full disclosure, I also appreciate Southern men and even people who aren't Southern who have this same ability but there's just this maternal, nuturing aspect with Southern women who grow things in the dirt.

I HAD to leave the house today. The weather is overcast (again/still) and the temperature is mild. My pain this morning was bad - shedding real tears bad - but the mild pain meds that I take every day helped me function enough to be able to make a trip into town without making me too loopy to drive. I finally splurged and bought deodorant (I never COMPLETELY ran out, just for the record) but the real necessity was cat litter. I have scooped diligently but I believe all three cats are using the box on the main level as their primary potty therefore it was beyond scoopable.

Whatever the motivation, it really was good to have a change of scenery. The thing about living here, in a small town, is that phrases like, "can I help you find something?" and "how are you today?" are sincere questions and not strictly rhetorical. People look you in the eye and smile and there is no underlying anger or aggressiveness like I feel on the Southside of Atlanta. Even a stop at the McDonald's drive thru (bribery to get the kid to do the litter changing) was pleasant with smiles and giggles (that I had to pour out a cup of water to have room for drinks) and it's always just a pleasure to be out and about even when it IS painful. And it was, increasingly.

Nevertheless, I decided to make a stop by Fritchey's market - it's a little veggie stand a few miles from the house. My preference, of course, is Loganberry Farm where they only sell stuff they grow and you know that it was grown in the most natural, kind way possible, organic and all that. Loganberry Farm, however, is out of the way and a bit more expensive and down a very windy road that frankly, hurts my back like crazy to drive. Fritchey's is mostly locally grown produce (not entirely organic) and although they don't have an inspirational Earth-Mother like Organic Rose, they are still staffed with those aforementioned Southern women who grow things in the dirt. I bought some corn, some peaches, some orange tomatoes (which I love because they're less acidic) and a few cucumbers. We chatted about the over-abundance of rain we've been experiences and the under-abundance of sunshine. Things are green and growing like crazy because of the rain but not blooming and becoming mature fruit (and veggies) because of the absence of sunshine. Figs still haven't ripened and they are typically ready in mid-June. I really, really want some fresh figs that haven't been shipped from Ecuador or wherever.

Even though I have been more frugal this Summer than ever before in my entire life, I think days like today when I splurge on things like a basket of home-grown peaches are an absolute necessity for my mental well-being. I don't spend much money on myself, evidenced by the recent deodorant crisis. Maybe I should clarify that I don't spend much on things other than medical expenses (which is the bulk of my budget currently). I purposely avoid going places because for every little excursion there is the temptation and sometimes the necessity of spending. We've stretched the pantry quite nicely this week and I'm proud of that. I'm also pleased to have spent a little today. I needed that.

More than anything, I think, I just needed to be connected to the world outside this little plot of land. I love it here. The view here will never get old and I will never take for granted being in a small town with smiles and politeness and women who grow things in the dirt. I don't feel the elephant on my chest today. I don't feel the anxiety, despite the pain being at a more severe level. I so very much enjoyed getting out among the three-dimensional people and I so very much wish that my body would allow me to do that more often.

A few unrelated random things: I'm thoroughly disgusted with the George Zimmerman trial. Yes, he was a wanna-be-cop who went beyond the scope of what he should have done. It's a tragedy that never should have happened. However, I don't think it's murder. Manslaughter, perhaps. What disgusts me is the entire trial being carried out under one set of charges and on the day that closing arguments begin the State wants to include lesser included crimes which the Defense has not had a chance to bring witnesses against or include in their prepared closing argument. I also don't understand the presumption of a black/white race war as a result of a not-guilty verdict, should that happen. Um. Isn't George Zimmerman Hispanic? And also, the judge in this case looks and sounds just like my Aunt Clair. I mean, JUST like her, which is weird because Clair has a very distinctive voice.

Austin willingly changed the litter box and even swept. He needs a haircut and I may actually leave the house again this evening to accomplish that task, if possible. Otherwise... I'm going to just bask in the afterglow of my morning excursion and enjoy my peaches.

Happy Thursday, y'all.