My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Friday, November 14, 2014

About Last Night

Happy Weekend from the frigid Northeast Georgia Mountains. It's unseasonably cold here and my parents have a roaring fire upstairs which means the heat isn't coming on to warm the Whine Cellar. Too cold is always preferable to too hot to me so I'm not complaining. I just hijacked my mom's big fluffy pink robe and am propped up against a heating pad. If anyone needs gift ideas for me this year - long sleeve tshirts and sweatshirts. Size bigger than you think. Whatever size you think I am, buy a size bigger.

We had a really dramatic night last night and I want to blog about it - not to toss all of our skeletons out of the closet but because in the future there will be questions about why or why not things are happening and I want it to be in better context. Also because I forget stuff. On purpose.

So... when we last left the story of My First Grandchild's Parents, things were kinda rocky for a bit. We had that really awkward doctor visit where her mom pretended to be mute. I kept encouraging Austin to work on their relationship because they created life together and that life has a right to have two parents who love and respect each other. Last weekend they did really well. He spent the weekend with her and came home speaking positively about the things they had done and excited about the future. Yesterday she came to hang out for the afternoon and then the plan was that he would go home and spend the weekend with her again.

Twenty minutes after they left my dad got a call from Austin asking him to come pick him up. They had a fight. My parents leave to drive the couple of miles to get him and when they still weren't back an hour later, I knew it was trouble. As it turned out, Tasha had this thing of bubble gum tape (she had gotten a case of them at Sam's Club last weekend so she had plenty) and Austin playfully took a nibble out of it and she got upset with him. He's annoying sometimes, I get that, but he's harmless. The gum thing turned into a fight and Austin - taking my sage advise to "always weigh every argument against the thought, 'do I want this to be the thing that causes my child to not have parents who live together and love each other'" decided that it would be best if he went on home, let them both cool off and come back tomorrow.

If that had been the end of the story, tonight they'd be hanging out together and all would be right in the world. Instead... the following things happened in some order, I wasn't there so I don't know exactly how it all unfolded but these things have been collaborated by my parents, my son and my grandbaby's mama:

Austin wanted to leave.
Tasha told him if he left he'd never get to see his baby.
That made him want to leave more.
She blocked the bedroom door.
He was smart enough to know that if he touched her in any way he could get in big trouble.
He began to back away from her while yelling, "I'm being held here against my will".
Her dad told him he was going to open the door with a gun.
My parents arrived to pick him up and were told by her mother that she would bring him home later.
My parents went to the store and decided to stop back by on the way home.
Austin was still in her room screaming that he wanted to leave.
Her mother told my parents that Austin would NEVER see his baby.
My dad told her mother that it wasn't up to her.
Her mother said that the only reason Austin wanted to leave was to go hang out with Fat Pat and smoke pot. (Pat's in Panama City Beach, Florida so that was not possible).
At some point Austin managed to slip past Tasha and leave with my parents.
Tasha was (and is) very, very apologetic and upset about things.

And that's the gist of it. The reason it's important to get this in context is because next week Tasha has a gender screening ultrasound. Austin says he won't go. He's not just angry... being cornered like that is way, waaaaay worse for someone on the autism spectrum than it is for the average person - and I think we can all agree that being cornered is not someone anyone would appreciate, ESPECIALLY with someone threatening to shoot him from the other side of the door. He was really shook up and I can't imagine any scenario where we would want him to go over there for any reason. I want him to share in the discovery of his child's gender but I understand why he might not be keen to do so.

In this story I am the mother of an adult with Asperger's and the grandparent of a child whose parents aren't married. I understand that Tasha regrets acting that way and believe me when I say that I've done as much, if not worse in the heat of an argument than prevent someone from leaving. I guess the difference is that my dad doesn't own a gun. I'm not mad at Tasha. I'm mad as HELL at her parents and have considered filing charges against her dad for threatening Austin in that way. But my grandchild will be depending on that man for a roof over its' head, more than likely and I don't want to put their family in a difficult position. Her parents are active members of a local church and honestly, I've thought about calling their pastor and asking him to mediate the situation. Like... I know here in the country we cling to our guns and our religion but... I guess I just don't see their behavior as particularly Christian. I'm not mad at Tasha because I know what it's like to be pregnant and in a relationship that is unstable and to lose control of your temper. I wish, as I know she wishes, she had handled things differently.

Austin handled the situation exactly as I would have wanted. He realized they were in an argument that was getting heated and he realized he needed to excuse himself from the situation. When he was trapped he used his WORDS and not physical violence to get out of the situation, even when he was threatened with physical violence.

I've been messaging back and forth with Tasha pretty consistently since yesterday. She's heartbroken over what happened and feels horrible. She's mad at her parents for how they acted because they really escalated things far beyond where they needed to go. I'm not against her - I'm just flabbergasted at how out of control this got and how quickly it happened. I want my grandchild to be happy and healthy and raised in a world where he/she is loved and secure and doesn't have to be passed back and forth. I want my grandchild to be in my life and this situation is far too unstable for me. I don't know if you've noticed ... but people who have known me in real life and people who have read my blog for very long can attest to the fact that I have become extremely withdrawn over the past few years. Too many people have done too many things that have caused me too much hurt and I've just gradually reduced the number of interactions I have with people outside of my nest. Dealing with physical pain is hard enough, I don't have the emotional capacity to handle physical pain and emotional pain BUT I have worked very hard at allowing Tasha into my life and have allowed myself to be hopeful about having a grandchild in my life  It runs deeps, this situation. It cuts really deep on so many levels.

And also, just for the record, my parents don't do drama. They shouldn't HAVE to do drama. They shouldn't have some angry woman yelling at them about their grandchild who is - at that very moment being held against his will in her house.

So that's what happened. No pictures today. Just that. I'm open to your thoughts and suggestions and I think Tasha is too.

Love and hugs, y'all.


Red*Hot@52! said...

I understand your hesitation to have Tasha's father arrested, but I still think I would file a police report. Threats like that should not be taken lightly, and it should be put on record. At the very least, be sure to document anything that her parents do, or any conflicts, so if there is ever any issue regarding the safety of the child you have things documented that could be helpful.

It's obvious that Tasha's parents have not a clue about your son's Asberger's and what all it entails, and they have piss poor relationship skills. I can only hope and pray that they figure out how to treat other human beings, not just Austin, but anyone.

Anonymous said...

Read Psalm 138 and apply it to Austin and your grandchild.

Wendy in Oz said...

Just a thought. When I worked of a pediatrician a few years back, he was involved in a huge study about Aspy adults and the likelihood of them having Aspy babies. From memory the chances were higher. If that is indeed the case and if it is Gods will that this little Bub will be an Aspy baby then I'm thinking that Tasha and her parents are gunna be needing to speak with an expert in the field of raising a fine young man with Aspergers! And that would be you Miss Heather! What Auggie did the other night was nothing short of amazing. He needs to be congratulated for such an awesome show of courageous behaviour. And you my friend can take credit for giving him the tools for getting through that situation without it going pear shaped! It could have so easily ended in tradegy.
Anyway, so sorry you are having to deal with this crap. Sorry your parents are having to deal with this crap, wish I could win the lotto and fly you over to Oz to hang out here for a few weeks. No crowds-i
Love Wendy in Oz