Heather Philosphy 101

JUST when I thought I had gotten my blogging mojo back and was on my way to improving from weekly blogger to almost daily blogger... last week happened. Not that there was anything BAD last week. I just find myself struggling to adequately articulate life as it happens in blog form lately.  Life does happen here! The thing is, the older I get the harder it is to be completely transparent. I have five descendants who could be reading this! I have to think about not embarrassing or hurting them or sharing things they wouldn't be comfortable with me sharing. Sometimes there are really big things that are not my story to tell, even if I am a character in the story. But a lot of times I feel like I am in a safe, secluded little bubble and I don't want to burst it by saying anything that I shouldn't or that would cause hurt to anyone or myself. I'm sort of afraid that people will look into the bubble and not see the same contentment I find here. Welcome to Philosophy of Heather's Life 101.

Last week was precious in that Austin finally got to meet baby Ollie. Cody and Marquee brought their dog Sammy up to spend the week with us while they took Ollie on his first trip to Disney World. The day they came up was Austin's day off so he, Tasha and Cosette were hanging out here. My boys have impressed me so much by being great dads. Seeing them be good uncles melts my heart as well! Cosette is fascinated with Uncle Cody and even reached for him yesterday. Ollie was very studious with Uncle Auggie but still gave him a few smiles.

Anyways, last Tuesday 2/3 of my kids were here at the same time as well as all both of my grandbabies. Sarabeth and Jamie came over after school so they got to love on babies for a little while, too. I love having all my chicks in my nest, although it was the upstairs deck instead of my nest since we're being cautious about exposing Ollie to cats, just in case he's allergic. He rubs his nose against your shoulder like it's itching but he's too young to know what things cause him to have an itchy nose/allergy yet.

If I'm being honest, and I do try to be, I'm battling a lot of anxiety because of this whole chronic pain lifestyle. I'm rarely ever completely pain free but even if I am, I'm afraid to get far from my comfort zone. When I'm in pain,  I'm mostly pleasant, I think, but I do have a harder time communicating. I say things wrong or can't think of the word I'm trying to say. I'm on the brink of emotion - anger as much as anything else. I'm frustrated to be less of the me I used to be. I feel guilty/embarrassed to admit that I'm struggling and don't have the emotional energy to explain how I feel. Sometimes, with the people closest to me (my mom and Tasha, usually) I'll identify exactly what is hurting but for the most part I just say, "I can't do _______ today" and leave it at that.

I really want to cuddle with Ollie in my nest like I do with Cosette. If I'm in my nest I can stay in the most comfortable position. I'm able to take pain meds if I need them. I take some meds every day but I take the stronger ones as infrequently as possible. If I'm away from my nest I'm more likely to need more meds which makes me less able to interact with people (and less comfortable holding babies) which makes me anxious about what I'm saying, if I'm making sense or offending people unintentionally. I make plans to go places and do things and then either the pain or the anxiety about the pain makes me not want to go. And then when I back out of things I feel such major guilt...

Ollie is looking at SB the same way she used to look at people when she was a baby

For instance, I was supposed to drive down and spend time with Ollie this week. I'm fine driving around here and even to Gainesville, about thirty or forty five minutes away. Driving on the interstate or long distances or in traffic stresses me out and I used to be absolutely confident in my ability to do all of those things. Last time we didn't drive and the logistics of that stressed me out so I knew I wanted to drive. And then I ran into a round of evil gut pain / severe hip pain over a few days and I knew I couldn't drive the hundred miles down to see Ollie. I've also been coughing a lot, especially at night and I started feeling anxious about whether it was bronchitis (since Sarabeth had a bad round of it recently) or if it's the reflux - GERD that bothers me sometimes. Then I got hit with a fibromyalgia flare which feels like having the flu or having been hit by a truck. And then I thought about whether or not my clothes had cat fur on them. When my last load of laundry was done I immediately folded it all and put it all away before the cats had time to lay on them (Eddy especially loves warm clothes). But then I wondered if there was fur on the bed where I folded the clothes. Basically, I just worked up enough anxiety that I couldn't leave my nest.

Ultimately my mom decided to ride back down with Cody when he picked up Sammy yesterday and Pop is going to pick her up on Wednesday after he goes by to check on Grandma. I had the grand idea today that it would be a good time to take Cosette to meet Grandma - her great-great-grandma - and already I'm anxious about whether or not I'll be up to the long drive to Grandma's and then to pick up my mom. In the meantime, Mawmaw is getting some undivided Ollie time and I'm cozy in my nest.

I have had several discussions with my primary care doctor about this whole pain/anxiety connection. He asked if I was sad being at home or if I enjoyed it. I honestly love it. I love my time in my nest. The part I hate is disappointing other people.

Austin and his friend Pat got my screened porch about halfway or 2/3 of the way finished yesterday. I'm really excited to have my nest expand to the outdoors! I'll do a tour of the renovated nest + screened porch as soon as they're finished.

Anyways. That's the main story of this past week. Having Ollie and Cosette together again was fun for me, even if things were a bit tense/odd hanging out on the deck. The weather was beautiful. The babies were adorable. Cosette is going through a stage where when she gets excited she flings her arms open wide and kicks her feet. It's hilarious watching her do it! She got a little too excited about seeing Cousin Ollie and her fingernail scratched his little cheek. He didn't seem to notice it but Cody says it looks like it's going to scar. I hope not. She definitely wasn't trying to attack him, she was genuinely glad to see him - which makes my Nana heart just overflow! I want them to love each other.

Cosette has also started reaching to be picked up and she will lay her little head on your shoulder like she's giving you a hug when you hold her. She will also put her little hands on your face to pull your face close to hers. It's the sweetest thing!

Ollie enjoyed his first visit to Disney World. There are some adorable pictures of him in his little Robin Hood costume that his grandma made him but I'm not allowed to share them yet. Cody gets the first post on social media and then I can post some on my blog, facebook and instagram. Ollie still feels light compared to Cosette but he's catching up to her.

So that's the story of the last week/my anxiety issues and what not. Hope you enjoy the pictures of the babies and I'll try to blog again soon! Love and hugs, y'all!