Catching Up... My Stressful Weekend

I'm not intentionally NOT blogging. Life just keeps happening. I am giving little (probably not little enough) updates on Snapchat about my day but... for me to say everything on my mind in ten seconds or less? NOT. Happening!

So let's review, shall we?

Friday: I got an early text (around 6am) from Tasha wanting help with Cosy. Tasha hadn't slept and wanted a break. Austin had a 30 minute "try-out" with the grocery store where he's hoping to get hired so he and Pop went by and picked up Cosy on their way back. We kept her until a little after 12. I spent the rest of the day resting. We had a blast with her but it wore me out. I have been taking care of Austin's daily financial needs (food when we don't have a "family meal", snacks, cigarettes, etc) and it's really adding up. I've also paid for a root canal and filling for him in the past month and have to pay for mediation on the 15th and... other things have happened that have hit my account and I'm watching my little nest egg dwindle and it's making me very nervous. It's all I have in the world. I don't have a car that runs. I live in my parents' house and if I was not able to live here I don't get enough from disability to afford a box under a bridge somewhere. It's very angst inducing for me. So... Austin decided that he would close Cosette's savings account, use the money until he gets a job - he finds out on Wednesday - and then immediately replace it. Obviously, Tasha and her parents were unhappy with his decision as they have contributed to the account. Tasha felt like she should have gotten some of the money if he was going to take it... although, he sees it as a loan from the account and will immediately replace it (trust me, immediately, even if it comes from me). It was a long, ugly discussion between them and started to unravel the fragile peace between them. Tasha asked for child support early - Austin is paid through the 18th. The next payment, since he isn't working, would come 100% from me or not at all. If he gets the job he's trying to get he's going to make less money and... since the custody agreement is not finalized, we will request an amount that meets his financial ability in the final agreement. I was a mom who didn't get child support sometimes and most times I didn't get all the court said I should. I'm committed that as long as I have the money, I will make sure Cosette gets what she needs. It's a sort of unknown quantity at the moment. I mean, I feel bad if Tasha doesn't have what she needs to get diapers, etc. At the same time... I was a single working mom. I had to make it work no matter what my kids' dad did - or many times, didn't do. If it was up to Austin, he wouldn't be able to pay her anything right now. I'm sure our lawyer would say to pay her weekly until the new amount is determined. It's... stressful.

Saturday: Cody and Marquee came up. I wanted Cosy to be there with Oliver as they are just now starting to play together and it is my favorite thing in the world to see the two of them together. I had hoped to get pictures of them in these little matching outfits I had bought. Cody and Marquee refused to let me put it on Oliver because it wasn't his "style". More about that later. Tasha wanted to come with Cosy - she has in the past and it's been ok. But this was the first time she and Austin had been together other than pick ups as he is usually working on Saturdays. Things did not go well. I'm afraid we took a few steps back and my nerves just can't handle it on top of the "mom's illness" and "aunt Linda's illness" and "my own illness" and "my friend has non-hodgkins lymphoma worry" and "will austin get a job before he drains my bank account worry" stresses. It's all just TOO. Much! Playing with the babies was amazing. I posted a lot of pictures on Facebook and I may share a few here but probably not in this blog. It really did hurt my feelings that Cody and Marquee refused to let Oliver wear the outfit I bought. He's 15 months old.  Would wearing a shirt with a little applique animal playing peekaboo destroy any fashion sense he might ever have? Scar him for life? I don't get it. On top of that... Austin got a text from Tasha saying that she had been "lenient" about letting us have Cosy. Well... yes, she has been flexible about the day of the week we get her, based on when Austin was off work at first and then after that, based on when Tasha asked us to get her. I've had Cosy several times for Tasha to rest and I don't mind that. But it's not her being "lenient" to us. It's us working together to help put Cosy in the best environment possible - instead of being with a sleepy mommy, instead of Tasha being tired and burned out - we step in when she asks. I thought it was co-parenting. Apparently it's not. Now Austin doesn't want us to have Cosy any day other than Thursday as was put down in the judges order. *sigh* And honestly... the whole argument is over Tasha wanting to be able to be with our family over the holidays which ... Austin is uncomfortable with. In his mind... she is still the woman who took his daughter from him for two months and made us spend LOTS of money for a lawyer to help get her back in our lives. I'm fine with Tasha being there. Austin isn't. Is it fair to make holidays miserable for Austin? What will happen? We go to mediation next week. Do any of you have past experience with spending holidays together with exes? I'm curious. The few times my kids' dad was around on holidays it was uncomfortable for me. At this point... I'm neutral on him. If he's around, fine. We don't interact... but that's with 16 years of time having passed.

Sunday: Not much sleep Saturday night. I'm either having a flare or coming down with a cold or it could be the nearby forest fires but my nose is running, my eyes are running, I'm coughing and... ugh. I worked on Jamie's costume for about four hours and watched most of the Netflix mini-series, "the Crown" about Queen Elizabeth's reign. Pain level: high. Stress level: lower, mostly because I did what I needed to do to NOT focus on anything stress inducing. Then I had nightmares all night last night and finally gave up sleeping around 4am to make them stop. It was all the same... people coming and taking Cosette from us. The fear is still so real. It's still my deepest, most painful memory and every bit of loving her more makes that fear greater. That's why I'm so determined to have her build bonds with not just me and Austin but all of us, Oliver, Cody and Marquee, Ryan and Sara... my parents. I want her to know on whatever level she understands now, how much she is loved, how precious she is to us all. That she always, ALWAYS can count on us. That she is ONE of US. It's important for me to keep the bond with Tasha so that I can be there for her and help her be the best mother she can be. So she can see what it is in me, in our family, that makes us special/different. So she can understand her own daughter because she comes from us, too. She is part Sauls, Gant, Pennington, Ward, Ray, Jackson, Bullock...

AND NOW it's Monday and the wall-to-wall, every moment coverage of the election has started. Hillary will win. In a different, not so personal blog post, I'm going to share my predictions from 8 years ago so you can see that I know of which I speak... this is not the right direction for us to take. Obamacare is wrong and must be changed, it is hurting the people it was intended to help.

The cat just hit the keyboard and closed my blog. I thought I had lost this whole whiny blog post and maybe it would have been better if I had. Anyways... that's what's happened, at least part of what's happened over the last few days. I have a blog reader who is many years wiser who I confide in and she can tell you... the stuff I don't blog about is always far more bizarre but... I do try to blog *my story* as life occurs to me and I try to leave out the peripheral stuff that others might not enjoy me sharing. If you are praying people, this is a good week to pray. For our nation, for our family, for Austin to get a job THIS WEEK, for us to be able to continue to co-parent Cosette in a loving, cooperative environment, that hearts will be softened and changed wherever God intends. And I will pray that you all have a great week! Love and hugs!