My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Monday, November 9, 2009

healing broken hearts

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead

Hmmm. Hold that thought for a second.

Monday is flying by.

Ok. Not really. But it’s going faster than I thought it would, which is only fair because the weekend sure went by fast.

Austin is sick with a cold. I have a nasty earache. (Yes, we’re back to the ear again.) I’m congested but in denial… as if I could DECIDE to not have anything else settle in my chest. Over the weekend I had horrible sinus headaches and was OUT of my headache meds… got those refilled today. Got all my meds refilled today.

I’m tired. I tried to just spend the weekend resting. It’s bad in one aspect because it makes me feel so disconnected from the rest of the world… it’s what I needed to do, though, to make it through the week. I wish it was a “snap out of it” kind of tired but it’s deeper than that. I don’t know how to explain it… but I definitely feel it. I’ve been pushing it today… kinda keeping in the back of my mind that if I need to go, I could go. It’s close enough to the end of the day now that I know I can make it.

That verse… that’s from Phillipians 3:13. That was from my bible study today. ACTUALLY… I worked ahead a little bit in my bible study for tomorrow and found that. It’s a good reminder… forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead.

Hearing Rihanna’s interview with Dianne Sawyer Friday night was … well, it was interesting. I won’t try to quote her but basically she talked about having to forgive herself for choosing to be with Chris Brown. Did you know that on average a woman will allow herself to be beaten 8 or 9 times before she leaves? Why? A good friend said something to me early on in my relationship with Michael that has stuck with me… “If someone shows you who they are believe them – the first time.”

A friend from high school recently found herself in a relationship with another high school classmate of ours. Turned out, he was a total con. I don’t know all the details but I know he served time in jail in the past and I know that she had to meet with the police regarding things he did to her. I don’t think he physically hurt her but I believe he may have stolen from her. I know for sure that he shook her faith in mankind… or “men-kind”…

I think that’s what angers me – even still, about my situation, that Michael robbed me of things that I can’t get back – such as blind faith in people. I’m much more cynical. Jaded. Bitter. He robbed me of precious time with my children – Cody’s senior year. Even with all the good – he made it bad. I always wanted to travel. I went places with him that I might not ever have gotten to by myself – but my memories of all of those places are tainted by the stress… the fears… the fights… the ugliness. Even the most beautiful vacation destination is hell on earth if you’re with someone who treats you unkindly.

I think – no, I know- in my case I genuinely hoped for the best and I think we all do when we’re in love.

I watched the Kardashian wedding on tv last night. I know… mindless… reality tv…. I didn’t watch the whole thing, I switched back and forth to the Amazing Race. I just couldn’t shake the urge to scream at the tv, “you can’t know a person in a month!”. At that point there are still so many skeletons lurking in the closet.

If it seems like I’m rambling it’s because this has been an often interrupted entry… but time is flying today… I’ll be tucked in my nest in T-minus two hours and counting!

Ok… that’s it for today… be sure to keep baby Stellan in your prayers… - and his family. That baby has a REAL broken heart, not just a metaphoric one.

There’s so much hurt and heartache in the world… makes you realize just how fortunate you are… makes me realize how fortunate I am… I’ve just got a couple of bruises, maybe a scar or two… but my heart will heal. I’ve already healed so much… love and hugs, y’all!


Big Mark 243 said...

I wanted to let you know that I read your entry ... I really like 'The Amazing Race'. The 'needle in the haystack' challenge really is a test on a relationship.

Didn't check out the Rihanna interview, but I will tomorrow. I am interested in what she says. As to how many times a person sticks around an abuser, I learned that the hard way myself.

This may have felt like a ramble, but it wasn't, at least not to me.


stasha said...

I love that verse! although sometimes it's really hard to forget what is behide you and only fouse on what's ahead! idk I guess I'll hae to pray about that more! anyway I hope to see you tonight! I miss you a lot! and I miss having lunch with you too! hopefully soon I'll be able to have some time off to eat lunch with you! =] Love you!