feeling groovy

things that made me happy today:
we had a horrible storm... lots of trees down... but my happy little home was perfectly safe
one of austin's favorite people from the youth group has moved into the duplex behind us
austin and his friend walked to walmart today... it's LOOOOONG walk... but such a great teenager thing to do
i exercised as soon as i got home from work... and then it was done
i'm feeling my stamina increasing, that makes me happy
i made *the best* parmesan crusted cod for dinner... just dipped it in egg whites, coated in bread crumbs and parmesan and baked it in my iron skillet with some fresh broccoli
I'm all about roasted veggies and roasted broccoli is the bomb!
no oil... just Pam spray
austin made fruit smoothies for dessert - 2 points - and i stuck mine in the freezer so it was like frozen yogurt
hell's kitchen cracks me up and makes me a little nervous too
my weight is up a little today and that makes me a little nervous too but it doesn't really belong in my list of things that made me happy
no reason for the increase... no unusual food... still under points... so i guess the happy part comes from knowing that i'm doing the right things and knowing that it *WILL* pay off
but still... i want to see at least a pound down on the scale this week... halfway to weigh in
so i'm thinking happy scale moving thoughts...
because i'm happy
dang it
bitty kitty is hilarious... he "owns" everything that belongs to me... he lays on my shoes after i take them off... he sleeps on my pillow... he climbs in my possibility bag... he's all about whatever mommy is doing
and then... this afternoon when i came home from work... i found that he had been dragging one of my bras around the house. nice.
guess i need to set some boundaries.
well... that's my happy day... hope yours was happy too!

habit forming

so happy for tuesday...
and i won't have another REAL monday until july 12th since we're off next monday for the 4th
on the 5th
whatever, i'll take it
food wise yesterday, things were awesome
i was severely lacking in motivation with exercise
just a bad case of draggy butts
i did some yoga/pilates type stuff but no cardio
i brought my sneakers and an outfit i can change into to workout on lunch
if i can get up the nerve
or i may just slip on my sneakers and walk a little
just a little
it's going to be cooler tomorrow
we've had a string of miserably hot - more august than june - type temps
it's supposed to cool down for the next few days so i want to take advantage of outside time
spending time with my girlies tomorrow
they're doing gymnastic camp this week
we're going to work on the next chapter in Little House in the Big Woods
it's about winter
we're going to (try to) churn butter
wish me luck
never done it before
it seems easy
i'll catch up on my food list soon... been eating super healthy, no cheats, not one
just haven't wanted to take the time to list it all
today is day 18
they say that if you can do something for 30 days straight, it becomes a habit
so... here's to learning new habits!
happy day, y'all!

some recipe/food info

gotta make this quick - weekly team status update progress meeting this morning...

about the turkey veggie meatloaf - it's one pound ground turkey with one can of chickpeas - mushed. it's a pain to mush the chickpeas but if you have a food processor, it's probably easy. i add in grated veggies - whatever i have on hand - zucchini, carrots, parsnips, cabbage, peppers, onion, celery, beets - whatever you like and have on hand. i try to do a blend of 1/2 turkey to 1/2 veggies. i add whatever grain i have on hand - oatmeal, wheat, whatever... and an egg to bind it. it's also a good place to add ground flax if you have it on hand. i divided them into muffin tins this time and it made 24 meatloaves with about 1 point per loaf.

about taboule - Near East brand has an easy one - you just buy their box mix and add in tomatoes and cucumber (or whatever you like - avocado is also good) - and olive oil and lemon juice. you can also add extra spice - mint, cilantro, parsley are all good. the fresher the better. i've made taboule from scratch and it's even better and seriously not the least bit hard to do. boil water, pour over wheat, let it absorb, add olive oil and lemon juice and chopped veggies and herbs. super easy.

ok... gotta run. happy monday!

i'm prepared

be prepared... that's my weight loss mantra... i can stay on track, i can stay within my points limit every day if i'm prepared.
i'm soooo prepared for the upcoming week that it's insane!
i'm so organized that i am starting to think that i should be an in-home weight loss chef for a living
if people wanted to pay for that sort of thing
i mean, if they wanted to hire someone with no culinary training for that sort of thing
today is day 16 on plan
i'm feeling like an expert already
i guess it's all those years of experience
austin still doesn't believe that i'm going to do it
that's what he told me yesterday
it hurt my feelings a little bit but... i mean, it's austin and he has no tact filter
anyways...
my fridge is so full of good stuff that it's like it's not even my kitchen
i've got taboule (wheat salad)
whole wheat pasta salad
a blackeyed pea salad
a zucchini/pear/cabbage slaw made w/greek yogurt
a spicy sandwich spread made with greek yogurt
and hummus
both to go on crisp bread or wraps - austin loves the crispbreads and they're a low point item with a lot of crunch
lowfat spinach wraps
roasted chickpeas for snacking
boiled eggs
fresh fish
turkey veggie - individual meatloaves made in muffin tins - one point each
(these are awesome because they're 1/2 meat, 1/2 veggie and even half wheat in them for added fiber)
yogurts, whole grain hot cereals for breakfast
canteloupe, plums, peaches
fresh corn on the cob, cucumber, tomatoes, avocado, peppers of all colors and heat
goat cheese, roasted garlic, fresh mozzarella
i'm excited about what i have to eat this week, both that it's fresh and tasty - and that it's mostly already ready to eat
fast food in my kitchen
still avoiding chicken, fried foods, sugar, flour and pretty much any starchy things and trying to keep the sodium at a minimum
keeping my grains whole grains
got some nice flavors to add with balsamic vinegar, chili oil, sesame oil, olive oil
lots of spices
i'm just really proud of my efforts in putting together this week's menu

today i went to see grease at the little local theatre. the guy who played danny was the nephew of the lady we went with... and he was really, really good. i was impressed! the costumes made me cringe a bit - lacking a little authenticity for the time period, inappropriate fit and function for dancing, that sort of thing that hits me right between the costuming eyes. but the vocals were good, the enthusiasm was good. it was one of those summer intensive workshops so they only had three weeks to prepare, and all things considered it was a great show.
i would have costumed for free.
or at least given them costume notes.
oh well.

it's late for me. time to settle in for the evening.
can we do a little roll call here? it looks like a lot of people are reading my blog but nobody's really commenting. i'm not nagging... just trying to figure out who belongs to all these odd cities that show up on my tracker. maybe just comment with your name and location? that would make me super happy.

gnight y'all!

weigh in, possibilities and still no shift key

i'm too lazy to blog my food for the past two days but trust me... i'm staying within my points and eating really well. good food.
the food i've been eating is so good that i got up this morning and austin had finished up my crispbread and hummus. brat.
yesterday i finally managed to get some activity in during the lunch hour at work... i went to the local college and climbed the bleachers in their covered baseball pavilion
i may have been trespassing, i'm not sure
it wasn't like i had to climb a fence or anything
i made it 5 minutes climbing those bleachers in the 95 degree heat and high humidity
it felt like an hour and i felt like rocky...
it feels good to be able to move
it will take awhile to be up to the length of time i want and the level of intensity i want but i'm moving
last week i had one activity point 4-5 days (can't remember)
my goal this week is two activity points every day
i got my two in today by walking around a cemetary by this old country church...
and then i did fifteen minutes of what i used to call ghetto cardio... a combination of cardio and pilates...
i think i'm going to rename it kuntry kardio with the kitties
literally... bitty kitty cried until i picked him up and held him like a baby while i was marching in place
spoiled brat
i put him down after a few minutes

oh... so the big news today... my second weigh in... i lost 3.4 pounds last week so i wanted to lose at least 1.6 pounds this week to be at an even five pounds loss...
and my weight loss was actually.... drumroll.... 2.8 pounds!!!
so in two weeks i've lost a total of 6.2 pounds... which is huge, considering that i struggled all the way thru the first five and a half months of this year to lose only 4 pounds.
that's what focus can do for you
and no cheats
and moving
and no sugar
and drinking lots of water
and recording every bite that goes into your mouth
i'm so excited, inspired, encouraged...
it feels like the old heather, the one who started this blog in 2005, is back, all the way back.
and just like last time, once i see that i can control my body and my size and my weight
it makes everything else seem possible
i'm totally basking in possibilities
this moves my weight loss schedule up by another two weeks... so that puts me at goal at 11.12.11 - losing one pound a week. if i keep losing more than one pound a week... i could get this done in a year... the faster i get to "lifetime" the less money i have to spend on this process.
i'm financially motivated.

remember hottie heath, that i used to work with?
loved him.
he was such a great friend to me when i was losing weight before... he has a degree in exercise science so he had a lot of good advice
anyways... haven't talked to him in a few months because he left state farm and got a job as a fireman
turned out that wasn't really his thing so he's back with state farm
we chatted last week
i told him that i was oh so very happy being single and had no interest in looking for a beau
and he told me that i was too special to be alone... that i'm "good people" and that it would be a waste for me to be alone
it was sweet
i am good people
and when i keep that perspective... that the diabolical mr d couldn't survive in the aura of my sweetness, pureness and light... it makes me feel like less of a loser
know what i mean?
that whole possibility perspective.
okeedokee...
that's it for today... it's been a full and busy day... early bedtime for me
g'night y'all

my random observations of weight watchers

today is day 14 back on plan... that went by fast, didnt it?
i read a quote yesterday that said "it may take a long time to get to your goal weight, but time is going to pass either way... "
that's how i feel... might as well eat healthy.... i have to eat anyways
you can't quit food cold turkey like you do any other drug
today's new jam is crispbread with sliced banana drizzled with almond butter... I melted the almond butter so i would use less... it's awesome!
ok... here's one of atlanta's news stories today... police arrested a guy who was pretending to be a dentist and seeing patients inside his mobile home.
um... my first clue would be the mobile home...
if you're thinking about going on weight watchers (or any weight loss plan) here's my advice: plan ahead
plan every meal - if not before that day, at least first thing that morning
know what you're going to eat before you get hungry
don't get hungry
i have been slicing veggies in advance so they're quick to add to soups, stir frys and salads
i've been keeping boiled eggs in the fridge for easy, quick protein
i've completely eliminated treats... which was huge... i was having at least one indulgent dessert a day
plus... the constant open box of goldfish or crackers or chips or something salty
those mindless snacky things living beside my nest have been eliminated and...
haven't missed them
last thursday i had a mini-pig out on shrimp
last night it was crispbread with this amazing cilantro jalapeno hummus I found
i really need a food processor, i'd like to make my own hummus
weight watchers has been easier this time around but i think it helps that i've learned so much about food... cooking... what foods are triggers for me
i mean, honestly, i could live on donuts and pizza and stay within my points but i wouldn't lose weight because sugar, flour, grease make me retain weight, increase my cravings and make me feel sluggish
it's not just about fuel, it's about the top grade super premium best stuff i can afford
and it turns out the best stuff isn't expensive
austin has been asking for some of my turkey veggie meatloaf so i put the ingredients in the handy dandy weight watchers recipe builder...
so glad it's friday!
looking to a quiet weekend.... at least a quiet saturday...
going to see grease on sunday at the holley theatre in dahlonega
gonna be another hot day
ugh
time to get my casual day glam going...
love and hugs, y'all!

inspiration

I'm posting these mostly for myself... but you might benefit too!

If hunger isn't the problem than food is not the answer!¸.·*♥´¨)

You don’t see many obese 80 year olds.

Feeling healthy and feeling good about yourself is not a luxury - it's an absolute necessity.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers.

Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess the baggage, the shorter the trip. Arnold H. Glasgow

You get whatever you settle for.

Your past does not equal, nor does it dictate, your future.

One definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

Do you choose to simply know the path, or do you choose to walk it?

We can reverse years of damage to our bodies by deciding to raise our standards for ourselves, then living differently. Old wounds heal, injuries repair, and the whole system improves with just a few changes in what we put into our bodies and how we move them.

Your body keeps an accurate journal regardless of what you write down...

Start doing what's necessary, then do what's possible, and suddenly you'll be doing the impossible!

"My life tomorrow will be the result of my attitudes and the choices I make today."

"Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway."

A year from now, you may wish you had started today- Robert Schuller

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got"

"Never trade what you want the most for what you want at the moment"

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.- Anatole France

Great changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may become easy.- Bill Blackma

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" confucious

i just had to laugh... I thought this storm blew thru 2-4 years ago...

thursday stuff

sometimes i wonder about people's facebook profile's pictures... like, is that the best photo of them, ever? and... is that a joke? because I've got this one guy friend who looks like a porn star from the 70's... creepy...

yesterday i decided to take a few hours off of work and spend some time with austin. he's been with his friend zach most of the summer and the days that he's home - I've been working. i thought it was a good memory making day so...

we went into civilization, bought him some swim trunks for youth camp... we went to see the karate kid (great movie, btw)... we had dinner out - something we have stopped doing... and it was a really nice time.

then he wanted to go back to zach's. so i took him and my house is quiet again.

i usually leave work early on wednesdays anyways... and it was one of those rare days when everyone was at work... i just felt like it was a good day to spend some time with my kid and he really seemed to enjoy himself.

austin bought bitty kitty this dollar store toy - a stick with a string and some feathers. bitty kitty LOVES it... i mean... he is attached to this toy and he loves for us to make it dance so he can chase it. i kept waking up during the night with that durn thing beside me. he wanted to play as soon as I woke up. poor baby.

here's what i ate yesterday:
breakfast: 1 cup watermelon, 1 hardboiled egg
lunch: 1 tray (four mini pizzas) smart ones veggie pizza minis
snack: one small movie popcorn
dinner: ahi tuna, steamed veggies, 2 oz sirloin, 2 slices of honey wheat bread with 2 tsp butter
snack: two reduced fat triscuits with 1 tablespoon hummus, beets

I put together another batch of taboule last night... it's just a good, whole grain salad and it's satisfying. I also made a salad that angie calls, "cowboy caviar"... it's blackeyed peas, canned tomatoes, chopped peppers and onion, cilantro... she uses italian dressing but i just used oil and vinegar and built it into my recipe maker on weightwatchers.com - you plug in all the ingredients, tell it how many servings it makes and it calculates the points.

I bought some cilantro jalapeno hummus and I'm excited to eat that. My fridge is so full of fresh produce... I'm loving all the colors and flavors.

It's thankful thursday so here are mine for today:
1. weight watchers has been easy (and fun) this time around... feeling like i can go the distance
2. i haven't gotten the exercise train out of the station but its at least loaded and i'm ready to do it
3. abundant fresh produce
4. enough basic cooking skills to be able to feed myself better than any restaurant could
5. making memories with my kid
6. do-overs, restarts, second chances, opportunities
7. lazy summer days for austin
8. kitty cats and their silly toys

time to glam and dash... happy day, y'all!

five minutes about yesterday

i've got five minutes...
this has got to be quick
worked yesterday... of course... went to angie's after work, bought a ring, took the girls to vbs, came home
didn't exercise... blah
but will today.
shooting for 20 minutes today
here's what i ate:
breakfast: 10 grain hot cereal with blueberries/blackberries
lunch: 7 oz steamed shrimp with 1 chopped tomato, 1 cup of spinach, 1/4 cup of cocktail sauce
snack: celery with almond butter
dinner: progresso light italian meatball soup, 1/2 cup spinach, broiled sliced tomatoes drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with parmesan over reduced fat triscuits (that was heaven!)
after dinner i was still hungry... so i ate a boiled egg
apparently i needed more protein
protein seems to be important for me - if i don't eat protein in a meal i'm hungrier at the next meal
the broiled tomatoes were awesome, that's going in my "fix often" file
i'm constantly exploring for new - easy - recipes
i love stuff that can be fixed quickly
ok, times up
have a great wednesday

thinking about numbers

Ha! My sister-out-law Candice said she’s going to fit me with a scram bracelet that goes off if I cheat on my eating plan… it’s going to be programmed to play “Fat Bottomed Girls”. Cracks me up! I told her I know I sound like Lindsay Lohan saying, “this time I’m really going to do it”…. But I am!

I’ve got this whole timetable worked out. I have to lose 78 pounds to hit the WW goal weight for my height. If I lost one pound a week it would be exactly a year and a half. When I lose more than one pound a week, it moves the timetable up! That’s a great way to stay focused for me… working on the time and not just the numbers.

For example – my 78 pounds at one a week takes me until 12/10/11 to hit goal. BUT… since I lost two extra pounds last week, that moves my goal date to 11/26/11! And of course, the flip side to that is when I don’t lose a pound, that pushes the date back again. I’m marking my outlook calendar every time the finish line moves.

If I lost a pound and a half a week, for example, I could be at goal in just one year! How cool would that be? I'm more realistic with it, though... a pound a week is perfectly doable. It gives me something to celebrate every week.

And, truth be told, my WW goal is not necessarily my "real life" goal. I just want to get to goal with WW so that my meetings are free. Once you're at goal you're considered "lifetime" and as long as you weigh in once a month and stay within a few pounds of your goal, it's always free. If you go above goal, you have to pay again. Financial motivation, you see.

My 25th high school reunion is next year… not one hundred percent certain I’ll go, but if I do, I want to be closer to what I weighed in high school… which varied from 105 to 115. I already blew my chance to be thin at Cody’s wedding… for the rest of our lives, those pictures will be my “before” pictures.

Honestly, though, anything below 150 is comfortable for me. There's this tiny size 5 cheerleader inside of me and she can't get out when I weigh above 150.

Angie is having a jewelry party tonight - Premier, I think it is. I love sterling silver - it's all I ever wear - and they have a good selection. Angie wants me to put some stuff on a wish list for future giftable occasions. I may buy one piece for myself, as well. A new ring, maybe.

*sidebar* my love for sterling silver and my appreciation for the more affordable type of bling is what makes MJD's fake diamond wedding rings so ridiculous. I'd have been happy with a simple silver band... which he could have gotten for $30. Instead of him going to such extremes to pull a ring scam on me - letting me think I had a massive diamond that was only moissonite - and building our marriage on a foundation of fabrication from the very beginning - what a sad, sad thing. Although I haven't thought much of him lately, to be honest. Life is just too good!

Anyways... back to the jewelry part. I'm not a fan of in home parties, nor am I a fan of post work activity. Socialization after work is hard because socialization is such a huge requirement of my job. After work I just want to be quiet. but... Jim's in Kenya and I try really hard to be supportive of Angie who is always my biggest cheerleader. But... because Angie knows ME so well, she said, "hey... you want to take the girls to VBS tonight?" and so I will go by after work, check out the wares, pick a trinket or two and then spend some great quality time with my favorite girls, drop them off and head home... and everybody will be happy!

Gotta grab something to eat before my lunch is over. and I think I have to pay the satellite bill. Happy day again!

ten minutes about monday

got ten minutes to do a quick post...
feeling good, feeling strong, feeling like i can keep this up for a long time
that's my marathon, not a sprint
crash diets don't work
lifestyle changes do
i'm feeling like my life has changed
been trying to figure out what's different this time
you know... i have mostly given up chicken
and i'm wondering if the hormones in our plumped up mass marketing poultry industry has been increasing my appetite
because i have not been hungry
haven't had cravings
i needed to get some more points in yesterday so i ate wheat thins and reduced fat cheese
but no munchies
i'm eating mostly beans and fish for my protein and that really seems to work for me
i worry about too much mercury with fish
so i'm trying to eat different kinds of fish
tilapia, sea bass, flounder, shrimp
cheaper than chicken, actually
any other fish suggestions?
i like the term pescatarian - it's like a person who eats veggies and fish
close to the mediterranean diet, which i believe is really healthy
running out of time
but i'm ready to walk out the door, my entire day's menu is packed with my little index card listing what to eat when
i'm very organized
have to have the visual
i obviously don't make good choices at mealtime so i have to plan before mealtime
i even thought ahead thru tonight - going to a jewelry party at angie's after work
and i thought... hmmm... if i'm usually hungry at 7:30... and i'm still there at 7:30... and there are munchy foods... i could get in trouble
so i packed some smart ones veggie pizza minis and a banana for dinner
it felt very progressive.
ok... must hurry... here's what i ate yesterday
breakfast: yogurt and strawberries
lunch: 2/3 cup taboule with chopped tomato over 1 cup of spinach & a boiled egg, asian pear
snack: cheese and wheat thins
dinner: flounder (never had it before but really liked it - grilled on the george foreman grill) with a cup of stir fry broccoli / snow peas / garlic. Used 1 tbsp olive oil and 1/2 tbsp sesame oil for flavor.
good day.
even (hello candice!) doubled my activity time... five minutes on sunday, ten minutes yesterday. today i'm hoping for fifteen minutes - maybe a walk down the bumpity bump road at angie's.

gotta run. love and hugs, y'all

random monday stuff

I’ve done the 17 mile drive at Pebble Beach… it’s some of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen. I’m not much for golf but the only two professional courses I’ve ever seen – Pebble Beach and Sawgrass – where they hold the Players Club – are both amazing.

Someone who appreciates nature as much as I do should be out in it more often.

Anyways… this came to mind today while reading that Tiger was blaming the course for his poor performance this past weekend. I may be mistaken… but didn’t the winner play on the same course?

Excuses get on my nerves. Everyone can make excuses for everything they do or don’t do in life… but it seems to me that it’s better to just own it. There are a lot of excuses why I got fat again… but I’d rather just take ownership and overcome those obstacles instead of being a victim.

Trust me, it’s a lot more work to be fat than to be thin.

To be at the Weight Watchers goal for my height, I will have to lose 78 pounds. To see how much more work it is to be fat… pick up something that weighs 78 pounds and carry it with you everywhere you go. 3.4 pounds down… 74.6 to go. Gosh. That’s a sixth grader.

I’ve got a friend who is going thru such a hard time… one of those major life crossroads like what I went thru… having to move, lost her job, nasty divorce, unwanted pregnancy, feeling like she hit rock bottom and then sunk another mile down. My heart is breaking for her. My advice was, “come up here”… I know we can fix things. I know how to start over.

We had a client who hit a bear with his car this weekend. Never a dull moment. Ok. Well, some are dull.

I just had a client pour out his life story to me… he’s going through his 3rd divorce. I was sympathetic. His greatest regret is not having any kids of his own in these 3 marriages. I know that no matter what else in my life hasn’t gone according to plan, I’m blessed to be a mom.

Have I mentioned that it’s hot outside? Really, stupidly, unreasonably hot. Refer to previous paragraph about how much harder it is to be fat… put on a few inches of insulation and go out in 95 degree heat. Sooo. Not. Fun.

End of my lunch time. Happy Monday…

the shift key has died

before i begin blogging... let me add a disclaimer... my right shift key is completely out of order which makes capitalization and punctuation (exclaimation points in particular) very difficult. i'm not trying to be ee cummings or rosie o'donnell or anything... just trying to communicate without stress. sorry if this offends any of my scholars out there.

watching fox and friends... theyre talking about a law in virginia that outlaws illegal aliens. that phrase just keeps echoing through my head. we're in such a ridiculous state of affairs that we have to pass a law to outlaw something that's already illegal. doesn't that seem redundant? ineffective? why not just enforce the first law? it's sad that we need to make more laws to do what the original law didn't do.

saturday was awesome! we had such a good time... we met mawmaw and pop at the varsity and had a nice lunch. we got to the fox in plenty of time and had great parking and great seats. the girls were very well behaved and enjoyed the show (except for the love scenes - which are mild but sb still found them "icky"). little house the musical covers a period of time in laura's life when she was 12-16 - recapping certain scenes from the books. the music was good... the set was very simplistic and the set changes were done by the performers in a very seamless way, which i found interesting. melissa gilbert was good... the sweetest part of the show came during curtain call when the girl who played laura pulled melissa back to center stage to take a bow with her and melissa kissed laura's hand... i got a little teary eyed (so did angie)... melissa gilbert was such a huge part of our childhood, to see her all grown up and still a part of the story and influencing another generation of laura ingallses was really sweet.

it's summertime in georgia and hotter than usual for june. we're in a hot weather pattern that is supposed to last another week at least. hopefully this means we're getting the hottest weather out of the way now and it will moderate some. i hate the heat. makes me feel drained and lazy.

weigh in saturday went very well... i lost 3.4 pounds!!! i had really hoped to see at least two pounds but my weight fluctuates throughout the day so i wasn't sure that it would work out but it did. i didn't stay for the meeting because we were heading to the city... so next week when i stay for the meeting i'm hoping to have reached my first five pounds. i can do 1.6 pounds this week, right?

it's day 10 today... i guess i didn't blog my saturday or sunday menus yet...
saturday:
b - boiled egg, 1 cup of blackberries
l - chili dog and onion rings at the varsity in atlanta - along with a few of jamie's fries
s - a couple of bites of popcorn
d - grilled tilapia and roasted asparagus

because i ate light the rest of the day, i was able to stay within my point limit even though i had the greasy lunch

sunday:
b - 1 cup of canteloupe, 1/2 cup of blackberries
l - veggie burger, fajita veggies (peppers and onions)
s - miso soup, high fiber wheat thins with reduced fat cheddar
d - sea bass marinated in wine & chopped garlic, sweet potato with spray butter and 1 tsp brown sugar
s - fat free tapioca pudding

Last night I really wanted something cool and creamy after dinner. i need to get some fat free cool whip and freeze it for those type of emergencies but honestly, i've been avoiding keeping snacks in the house so that i don't think about munching. i'm trying to reprogram my brain to not think i need to snack - because i don't need to snack. the afternoon snack i've been doing every day has been an effort to keep me from coming home from work famished - which is when i make bad dinner choices. when i'm driving home from work and i'm starving, even though there are not a lot of restaurants up here, there are places that i will stop and pick up really unhealthy stuff to eat. so really, my daily snack is more a pre-dinner so that i have time to prepare a healthy dinner. so far it's working pretty well. but... to be realistic... and develop a plan that i can live with the rest of my life ... i have to make accomodations for those times that i really want a snack. as long as it's a treat, not a daily routine. know what i mean?

weight watchers has been tweaked a bit since my last tour and exercise actually starts NOW ... in the second week... but it's looked at as "activity" instead of exercise... saturday because we were in the city, there was some walking involved - not a lot, though. yesterday i made an effort to do housekeeping type of activity with some bursts of intense cardio (jumping jacks). i'm not exactly where i want to be there, yet, but it's a process.

austin is such a vampire... he stays up all night and goes to sleep around 8am so he's been bouncing in and out of my room all morning. i enjoy his company but miss my quiet morning... time to glam and dash... staff meeting at 8. happy monday, y'all...

first week, frustrations, fabulous fox, etc

The first week back on Weight Watchers is in the books... I completed one entire week with almost no sugar, no white flour, nothing fried... completely on track and within my point limit. That has never, ever, not once happened for me. I am stoked!

The best thing is that I never got hungry... I never felt deprived... I didn't suffer or feel like I was sacrificing. In fact... I felt well fed and satisfied all week. Good times.

Yesterday at work was weird... Theresa and I have both been feeling sort of stymied and stagnant sales wise... she sits in the back, away from the office traffic and feels like she misses out. I feel overwhelmed with answering questions and taking payments and feel like the constant traffic keeps me from staying focused on sales... so we switched places yesterday. She got a life policy and a bank loan... and I set a few appointments and sold a business policy. I'm still discouraged... but at the end of the day, I know that God is in control. She felt extremely encouraged, so I feel good about that. I'm trying... but I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall, trying to be a square peg in a round hole. I'm not a salesperson. I'm just not. I'm a caretaker, I'm empathetic, I'm creative and artistic but I'm not a salesperson. Unfortunately... right now I'm in a place where I'm being paid (or not being paid, as the commission case would be) to sell. It's a major dilemma for me and a constant source of frustration.

I got my feelings hurt yesterday... not about work, but about this whole situation with the kids' dad being missing, not paying child support and me not having any way to contact him. I was feeling really blue ... But... I got home from work and had this incredibly sweet letter in the mail from Jorjanne thanking me for all the things I do for her and telling me that I was the best aunt ever. I totally needed that! In case you didn't know... I really AM the best aunt ever! (after my aunt Ginger, who was the best aunt ever before me).

We're heading to the Fabulous Fox theatre in Atlanta today to see Little House the musical, courtesy of my dad. Angie and I have planned to have lunch at the Varsity. If you've never been to Atlanta, you can't fully appreciate the Varsity and the deep history it has in Atlanta... but it's a rite of passage that every kid needs to have and we're so excited to take the girls. I even looked up the nutritional information and calculated the WW points for what I plan to order. It will use most of my points for the day, but that's ok. It's all part of making Weight Watchers a lifestyle, not a diet. Enjoy it, count it, make adjustments in the rest of the day...

Next weekend Angie and I are going to see Grease at the local community theatre so we're really taking advantage of Jim being in Kenya to have a lot of girl time. I love my sister-in-law!

Ok... here's what I ate yesterday:
breakfast: 1 cup of strawberries/blueberries, dannon light and fit yogurt
lunch: 3/4 black beans, 1 cup brown rice, salsa verde and lowfat sour cream
snack: boiled egg, grapes
dinner: 1 cup taboule, 1/2 avocado, 1 cup spinach
I also had a snack of lowfat triscuits and reduced fat cheddar cheese... it was more to satisfy a need to munch than out of hunger. I still stayed within my point limit for the day.

My weigh in is in one hour... I'm hoping for at least a two pound loss. That's my goal for this week. After that, I'll set a goal of one pound per week but the first week back on the wagon should be a bigger pay off. I hope. Hope. Pray.

Hope you all have a great day!

day 6 recap

You know that McDonald's commercial that says, "my me time is when I'm apologizing for something I had nothing to do with"... I think Robert Haywood, BP Ceo, should make one of those. Ok, it's not that he had nothing to do with it... but that kangaroo court he was put through yesterday was an embarassment to the US Government. Is that really how we want the world to see us?

No great civilization has lasted more than 200-300 years. I think we're on rapid decline.

Austin is in complete vampire mode... staying up all night, sleeping all day. He still has more than two full months before school starts back, I'll let him enjoy his summer. He's getting to the age that this may be his last real summer of freedom. I'd like for him to be working this summer but the logistics of getting him back and forth to work are more than I can deal with.

Yesterday was the first time I exceeded my points limit in six full days of Weight Watchers. You get 35 extra points a week to use for those days... I used two ... and it wasn't on junk, I just had this great shrimp that I wanted to eat before it went bad.

I have had zero white flour this week... nothing fried... very little sugar... no chocolate... and I haven't missed a thing. Someone brought donuts to work yesterday and I wasn't even the least bit tempted.

Here's what I ate yesterday - day six -
breakfast: 1 cup of canteloupe, a few blueberries, dannon light and fit yogurt
lunch: 1 cup of taboule with chopped tomatoes, 1/2 an avocado, 1 cup of spinach
snack: boiled egg, a few celery stalks
dinner: 10 oz steamed shrimp with 1/4 cup cocktail sauce, 5 oz new york strip steak (it's super cheap at walmart), 1/2 cup sauteed onion

My weight is back up by a pound today... which is a little aggravating... but I know there are going to be fluctuations. I'm hopeful for at least a 2 pound loss tomorrow when I weigh in. I'll be super discouraged if it's less than that because I've worked so hard at staying on plan this week.

Gotta glam and go... I've had a bad hair week, going to see if I can look a little cuter today. Love and hugs, y'all!

the psychological factor

01/01/05 I set out to lose 50 pounds that year. By early December, I had succeeded. I changed my eating habits right away. I started exercising about halfway through the year. I joined Weight Watchers in September. I was hot and heavy, hard core, full steam ahead, no looking back…

In 2006 I continued to lose weight all the way through the end of April, eventually losing a total of 73 pounds.

And then.
It started going the other direction. I gained back 71 pounds.
What.
Happened?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot this week… not to be able to make excuses or place blame. But to truly understand the psychology behind my weight… what makes me successful in weight loss and what trips me up.

I won’t recap the whole Darby Drama… but certainly, what appeared for about a minute and a half to be “happily ever after” became a living nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I lost control over everything in my life. I couldn’t wear what I wanted, work where I wanted, live where I wanted, use the internet or the phone like I wanted. I couldn’t have pets or friends or live near family. My life was shredded down to where it resembled nothing of my former life – and not in a good way. Food was the only old friend I could hang onto. And I clung for dear life. I couldn’t eat in front of him – he would literally take food off of my plate – even in public – so I would make sure I satisfied all of my cravings when he wasn’t around – when I could.

It’s been nearly 21 months since we packed up my things and headed to the hills. I’ve spent 21 months finding my wings again. I’ve spent 21 months coping with post-traumatic stress symptoms, battling to get my health and sanity back, fighting to remember who I am. Up until this week I refused to have all of my dishes clean at one time. I made sure there were always SOME dirty dishes in the sink… simply because I could if I wanted to. And to some degree… I’ve given in to whatever cravings I’ve had and eaten what I wanted because I COULD.

There will always be scars from that time of my life. What I have to do is remember the things that worked for me on the way down the scale… and the things that tripped me up on the way back up.

The good… I was focused, determined, stubborn, relentless. I was patient but insistent. I was educated, prepared, accountable. I measured and weighed and celebrated and adjusted when things weren’t working. I learned to love to sweat. I restructured my life to include good nutrition and fitness. I walked on lunch. I walked at Cody’s ball games and practices. I purposed to do it. It was as much a part of my daily routine as brushing my teeth.

The bad… I was discouraged, downtrodden, abused to the point where I felt worthless and impotent. (impotent is not equal to important). I was no longer doing healthy things for a healthy reason, I was doing them out of fear of rejection. I wanted to test the boundaries… would he love me ten pounds heavier? How about twenty? I wanted to rebel against his tyranny and food was my weapon of choice. He could keep me off the internet but he couldn’t keep me from eating.

And … there were a lot of nasty medications that I had to take to survive mentally for a time there, they all added weight. There were a lot of meds that I had to take to recover physically… they all added weight. I got lazy. I lost focus. I quit caring. I put myself into a place where I was safe from being loved and therefore potentially disappointed again. I insulated myself with fat.

Losing weight takes a lot of courage. It’s a lot of work. Yet, I can also tell you that it takes a lot of courage to live single. It takes a lot of work to live life in a fat suit. On one hand it’s discouraging to have to make the same journey again… but it’s great to have the knowledge, wisdom and experience that I gained. And the really cool thing is that I KNOW I CAN!

Happy Days ahead, people!

thankful thinking thin thursday

I don't know what's changed.... I've been working at eating healthy for some time now but this week, all of a sudden, it's come together and... it's been easy. No cravings. No hunger. No wishing I could have eaten one more gravy biscuit before I started. I haven't missed anything. I think the timing was just perfect for me. Maybe it's knowing that this month I'm doing it on someone else's dime. I don't know... I just hope I can stay in this frame of mind long enough to get to a healthy weight.

Here's what I ate yesterday:
breakfast: one cup of bulgur wheat (heated) with 1 cup of canteloupe
lunch: spinach with grape tomatoes, grapes, chicken, olive oil and balsamic vinegar
snack: celery with almond butter
dinner: THE BEST! 3/4 cup of black beans & 1 cup of brown rice over 1/2 red bell pepper, 1/2 of a green bell pepper, 1/2 of an onion - sauteed fajita style topped with 2 tbsp light sour cream. It was awesome!

Later... I had one bite of steak that Austin was eating and 1/2 cup of pickled beets.

I am now down 3 pounds! Yay!

The Weight Watchers program steers you toward activity in your third week. I'm concentrating on getting reprogrammed with the eating program for these first two weeks and once I've detoxed from sugar and junk... I'm sure I'll feel more like moving.

This week my sleep schedule has been off kilter... waking up several times a night (to go to the bathroom.... drinking all that water!) I'm sorta dragging because of that lack of sleep but wow... the week is going by fast! I can't believe it's already Thursday!

My big brother is leaving today for a mission trip to Kenya. He'll be gone for several weeks... it's a long and arduous journey and his back has been bothering him lately, so keep him in your prayers.

I went grocery shopping last night and filled our fridge with lots of healthy stuff. God provides for us... every day, in every way, beyond what I think I can survive, I keep getting through. I will never take a full fridge for granted. I know that it's a gift from God... to be able to earn an income, to have a place to put it, a car to go shopping, and the desire to be healthy. All this is from God and this is my Thankful Thursday post... I'm thankful for food.

Time to glam and dash... hope you all have a beautiful day! Love and hugs!

stuff that's not blogworthy that i'm sharing anyways

I wore the wrong underwear today… the kind that makes wedgies. I hate that.
I’ve been using the same sonic cup for a week now. I think that’s a record. Styrofoam cups with lids are the bomb!
I’ve had a zit in the same place that a beauty mark should go for a week now.
I love cleaning out my email inbox. It makes me happy.
Came to some resolution about the life policies today. It was productive and peaceful. This is what I had prayed for. We shared our thoughts amicably. I love it when folks act like grown-ups.
I’m coughing. Angie called this morning and she could hear in my voice that I was congested. It’s just what happens sometimes. I don’t feel bad.
I’ve been wearing my hair curly this week and I hate it – but there’s no point of putting time into straightening it when it’s just going to frizz.
Payday always stresses me out. It’s my reality check of how much I owe vs. how much I have to spend. The day before payday is the best because I realize I’ve made it to another payday.
No word from Robert Sauls in the past week since I asked when he was planning on paying child support. It’s been 4 weeks now. Here we go again.
Driving home from work yesterday I passed Austin and his friend walking “to town” along the main highway that intersects Cleveland. He was barefoot. He was born to be a country boy.
Yesterday I noticed Sarabeth’s hair is getting redder. I think mine is getting lighter – in addition to getting more grey streaks.
Today I wore two shirts layered because the bottom shirt has some grease stains on it. Then… I bit into a cherry tomato at lunch and it squirted on the top shirt.
I’m a mess.
But at least I shaved my legs this morning. Bitty Kitty can testify… he supervised. He’s fascinated with the shower. He watches the whole time I’m in the shower.
Sometimes I feel like he’s judging me.

day 4 recap

Blogging and eating breakfast instead of straightening my hair today. It wouldn't help much anyways as the humidity is a thousand percent.

Man! We had horrible storms last night! I was scared for a bit... and made sure I was dressed appropriately in case the whole house blew away. It was that wild!

I have a new friend... pickled beets. They're a great munchy for those times that I want a snack but don't want to use points. I have not yet been hungry, though, so I haven't really needed to snack.

No additional weight loss, beyond that original two pounds. I'm staying the course, knowing this is a marathon.

I've been eating below my point level but I'm so heavy right now that I get a ridiculous amount of points. You can tell that I'm eating well, I just need to work on getting more dairy into my diet.

Here's what I had yesterday:
breakfast: 1 cup of brown rice, 1 cup of sauteed collard greens (just wiped down the pan with oil on a paper towel) - couldn't finish so I saved for dinner
lunch: 1 cup of spinach, 1 cup strawberries, 3 oz grilled chicken breast, 1 boiled egg, 1 tbsp olive oil, balsamic vinegar
snack: 1 cup grapes, 2 oz reduced fat cheddar, pickled beets
dinner: progresso vegetable noodle soup (with leftover rice and collards stirred in) baked sweet potato with cinnamon and 1 tsp butter

It was a good day food wise! Must get the war paint on and get to work...

Mary, to answer your question... every agency handles it differently... we're sort of an honor system. I had spoken to this couple in February, March and April. The last time I talked to them they indicated money was a problem and they couldn't buy at that time. They came in last week and talked to another agent. When they left, I pointed out to him that I had quoted and had an extensive discussion and he said he had only been working with their mother. Well... yesterday they came in and bought so he's the hero and I'm the zero because I couldn't get them to close. It's really discouraging for me... either I put up a fuss and probably end up on the losing end anyways... or just watch money that I desperately need walk away. I don't know...

Ok, I really have to run! Love and hugs, y'all. Wish me luck for day five!

whiny wednesday came early

It’s hot and I’m tired and whiny.
I’m also really excited that I’m having such a good time with WW this go-round.
So maybe that makes me a tad bit bi-polar. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.
Two people that I offered life insurance to in April bought from one of the other agents today. I’m really bummed about it. Not only do I not get the MONEY… I don’t get the credit when I was the one who put the whole insurance idea in their head to start with and spent an hour explaining the types of policies available.
Feeling like Rodney Dangerfield in that respect, in that I get no respect.
I know and trust and believe that nothing happens by chance in this life and that this disappointment is only meant to teach me something.
I’m not going to write another whole long whiny post about “why me, God?” and “why NOT me, God?” because that serves no purpose.
I’ll just mention it here because it does bum me out.
But not in a “go eat banana pudding” kind of way. Which makes me happy.
It’s good to be able to not relate every emotion to food.
I feel like an alcoholic… celebrating 3 days of “sobriety”. No snacking in 3 whole days. 3 whole days on plan. And halfway through a 4th. That’s good stuff.
Austin asked at 11pm last night from his friend’s house – wanting to know if I could take his friend to work in the morning. Um. No. See…. I’m just not a nice person at 11pm. Some people aren’t nice first thing in the morning. I am. But once I’ve fallen asleep and you wake me up to try to induce me to do something. Nope. Not happ’ning.
And it’s not like it was on my way or anything… it was 30 minutes in the opposite direction – an hour out of my way. Really, really not.
I felt a little mean about it. I mean, people are good to us and from a karmic standpoint, I probably should have but here’s the thing:
If he had called at 2pm yesterday and asked for a ride, I would have made sure that someone – if not me, someone – could have gotten him where he needed to go.
But I couldn’t just ditch my own responsibilities for someone who had obviously not taken responsibility for the things that happen to him.
Gosh, I’m really tired.
So consequently, after being woke up JUST as I was falling asleep… I couldn’t sleep and that makes two nights in a row which makes me feel sluggish.
Jim and Angie have gone to Six Flags today. He gave her a pass for her birthday and since he’s leaving to go to Kenya in a few days they wanted some mommy/daddy time. Sarabeth had soccer camp so I picked her up and took home where Stasha is watching her until Jessie gets off of work. It truly does take a village sometimes. I’m so blessed to be a part of that village. LOVE those special little times in the car with my Bethy-girl. She’s so precious, silly, fresh, fun… And she was so durn cute all sweaty and red faced from soccer camp… but still so very dainty …
She asked if she could go ahead and read the next chapter in Little House or if she had to wait until the club meeting… I said, “go ahead!” I had hoped they’d be interested enough to want to know more. She asked, “what exactly IS a book club?” I told her it was when people were reading the same book at the same time and they got together to talk about the book. Sort of like Sunday School.
Anyways… working on being less bi-polar… happy, happy, joy, joy… God’s gonna bless me too. I’m working hard. It’s bound to pay off sometime, right?

today's menu

I don't want to get all cocky or anything but Weight Watchers has been a breeeeeze so far! I mean, I know I'm just 3 days in... but with the e-tools for tracking and my careful preparation PLUS all the knowledge I've gained in my five years of weight loss efforts... it's so easy I can't believe I wasn't doing this all along.

Here's what I ate today:
breakfast: 10 grain hot cereal, 1 cup of strawberries, 1 tsp butter, coffee with skinny creamer and NO sugar
lunch: fresh curly leaf lettuce from my co-worker's garden, 1 pouch of tuna (so convenient!) a sliced cucumber and one boiled egg with one tbsp of olive oil and one tablespoon of lemon juice. YUM-O and sooo filling~!
snack: reduced fat cheddar cheese and 1 cup of grapes
dinner: my favorite meal: blackened tilapia over a bed of spinach with grilled yellow squash

It has been such a great day of eating. I am loving all my healthy food choices and I am loving having meals planned out in advance! When it's time to eat - I check my menu to see what I have planned and I just put it together. I've been timing my meals at 7:30, 12:30, 3:30 and 7:30 and it seems to keep me from getting the least bit hungry during the day where I want to snack - and eating dinner a little later has been keeping me from needing a snack after dinner. So far. I've also had almost no sugar and no carbs and I can really tell the difference.

If you're in the "don't weigh every day" camp... ignore this paragraph. For me, I need that reality check every morning to gain my focus and I was delighting this morning to see two pounds down! I want this first week to be a real jump start.

Time to settle in for the night... didn't sleep well last night because I was too keyed up from watching the Tony's and I've been sleepy all day... gotta get to bed earlier tonight!

Keep praying for me to be successful with this! I need to be a healthy weight!
*hugs*

"it costs too much to eat healthy"

Want to take a guess about how much this healthy trip to the grocery store cost?

Enter in comments... I'll post an answer later today.
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The actual total was $29.08. Food tax in Georgia is minimal so it was right around $30.

I was really excited, considering that a fast food trip for me and Auggie is $10 - at least - and eating out at lunch for me is usually $5-$8.

This gives me real hope for not only eating healthy but also being able to afford it! And afford my $40 a month for Weight Watchers. I'd really like to be able to attend meetings until I've lost 50 pounds or for 6 months... long enough to make it a habit.

I've been working with the online tools to figure up a menu for the week. I've got my food prepared thru Wednesday... down to having my cereal measured out and in the bowl ready to add water in the morning (hot cereal). I've got everything lined up in the fridge, sorted by day. I've HAD healthy food around for the past six months. I've just got to get hard core about eating a really balanced diet, every day. (and I've almost got Thursday's menu worked out!) And unfortunately, the more tired I am, the harder time I have making good choices.

Here's what I've eaten today:
breakfast: 10 grain hot cereal, 1 tbsp brown sugar, 1 tsp butter (I measured!) & a cucumber
lunch: blackened tilapia over fresh spinach, grilled tomato and squash
snack: 2 oz reduced fat cheddar, 1 cup of strawberries with 1 tsp sugar
dinner: 3 oz grilled chicken - marinated in red wine and balsamic vinegar, sauteed collard greens, baked sweet potato with 1 tsp butter (which is a tiny amount but I used a lot of cinnamon and it was fine!)

Honestly, it's the best I've eaten in weeks... not just from a nutritional standpoint but also from the perspective of tasting good, being filling and satisfying.

My goal is to not eat after dinner... always my downfall. Those sleepy choices were also always bad for me and I often underestimated portions...

Gotta dash! The Tony Awards are on!

long post about Weight Watchers, Little House

And the headache continues. We're past a week with this one. It's still, I'm certain, not a migraine. It's almost a sinus thing- around the eye and behind the eye kind of thing. It keeps jumping sides from the left to the right. It feels, to some degree, like a heat headache. Possibly, it could be blood pressure related, although I woke up with it this morning and I couldn't have been more relaxed. I don't know. I don't like it, though.

Poor goalkeeper for England. Don't you know he's unpopular over there today?

My first day on WW was awesome! I'll post my foods for you guys... for those who aren't interested, just skim over it. A lot of people started reading my blog back when I was hot and heavy on the weight loss and I know they want to know what I do and what results I get.

Sidenote... there's this thing we have to do at work, charting our efforts and results. So far this year my efforts are awesome and my results suck. Same with weight loss. Not sure why I've been so ineffective this year but I aim to figure it out. On both levels.

I weighed exactly the same thing yesterday at Weight Watchers that I weighed on January 1st of this year. Major bummer! I've eaten a lot of healthy stuff - my level of nutrition has greatly improved. But I've also ingested a lot of Dairy Queen treats, bacon biscuits dipped in gravy, pepperidge farm goldfish and other unhealthy things. I need to focus more on the good stuff, let go of the bad stuff, get off my big butt and get this extra person off of my bones. The truth is that you don't see a lot of obese 80 year olds. Fat people die. I'd rather have half the body and twice the life than twice the body and half the life.

Or at least be able to get back into that cute size ten wardrobe that's tucked away in my attic.

According to Weight Watchers I need to lose 100 pounds. ONE HUNDRED. Insane. And sadly true.

So here's what I ate yesterday:
breakfast: coffee with skinny creamer, sliced cucumber, 10 grain hot cereal with 1 tsp of butter and 1 tbsp of brown sugar (which is the perfect combo, by the way!)
lunch: grilled zucchini and yellow squash - sliced and cooked on the George Foreman grill with lemon pepper (I didn't oil the squash but I did put olive oil on a paper towel and wipe down the grill with it)
dinner: (at Jim and Angie's) grilled burger on bun, 1/2 burger with no bun, two grilled tomato slices, skinny mashed potatoes (made with skim milk) (two servings because they were good!), corn on the cob - no butter, about 8 grapes

No snacks! None! I thought... what if I could completely give up eating after dinner? Hmmm...
I need to snack between lunch and dinner... because otherwise I'll make bad dinner choices in my normal daily routine (not when eating with J&A).

It's interesting to me that the fact that someone else spent money on my weight loss efforts makes me feel the need to give it 100% effort. Like... I want to make sure they get their money's worth.

I'm planning to do a lot of fish and veggies cooked on the George, as that's super easy and produce is in abundance. I think this is the perfect time of year to attempt this again. Again. Long days, fresh produce, etc.

So... our book club meeting was really fun. I wasn't sure what to expect of the girls and how it would work but I just let them take the reigns and do what was fun for them. We read a chapter, talked a lot about what life would have been like a hundred and 40 years ago. They drew pictures, did a word search, and then they each picked a character they wanted to be. I braided their hair... we acted out the chapter we read and then they made up other stories for their characters. It was a perfect way for children to understand what they're reading. Once we go to see the musical next Saturday (thanks, Pop!) I think they'll be even more excited. Jorjanne has tickets to go on Thursday so by the time we read the next chapter, they'll all three have a good visual of the Ingalls.

Sidenote - our grocery store around here is Ingles... the girls thought they were the same.

Also... we talked about what clothing the girls would have worn. I told them about pantaloons. Jorjanne kept calling them "pantaloonins"... it cracked me up.

And my little Jamie was so precious with Laura Ingalls braids! I didn't take pictures, though... just played with the girls. I was Ma, Pa, and Jack the bulldog. Go figure.

Plans for today... nest, rest. Every time I move my brain throbs so I'm moving as little as possible and staying out of the heat as much as possible. (Stasha will be mad that I'm not at church because I puurrrrromisssssed... but girl... the pain in my brain is insane!) I have to pick up some groceries and I think I'll do that in the next few minutes while most of the county is in church and before it gets hot.

Tony's are on tv tonight!

Happy Sunday, y'all! Love and hugs!

back on the wagon...

I joined Weight Watchers today. As a belated birthday gift, my sister-in-law Angie paid for a month of WW meetings. I trust WW. I know the program. I know it works. I know that the accountability works for me like nothing else does. I'm excited... inspired... motivated. This needs to work.

This meeting is in the choir room of the 1st United Methodist Church, "in town" - as we say around here. It's on the town square. It's approximately a 3 minute drive from my house and quite conceivably a pleasant ten minute walk - once I've lost some weight and can walk again without being miserable.

Can you imagine picking up something that weighs 100 pounds and carrying that with you everywhere you go? That's my life... forcing my short little petite body to carry an extra 100 pounds every minute of my life. Any wonder I'm tired all the time?

The cost of Weight Watchers is approximately $40 a month... money I don't necessarily have in the budget but money I could easily recover by eating balanced, prepared meals instead of eating out. That's literally two trips to the BBQ place for me and Austin... or 4 fast food meals. I think I can make the sacrifice.

I'm determined. And y'all know what happens when I get determined!

Leaving here in a few minutes to pick up my adopted niece, Jorjanne and head to Jim and Angie's for my first Little House on the Prairie book club meeting. I'll take pictures!

Hope you're having a great day!

Little House... and other attitude adjustments

A few quick minutes of my lunch to update my post from this morning. There is good and bad in everything. Life is a challenge. My life is more challenging than I would prefer but easier than others. I’m so glad to be in a stage of life where my obligations are fewer… no babies, no small children, no kids to haul back and forth to little league, no demanding husband to appease… but there are times when the burden of being single is heavier than I would like. It’s lonely – not in the sense of being bored and miserable because my life is filled with wonderful people and exciting opportunities. It’s lonely in the sense that when I mess up, there’s nobody but me to fix it. Or so it seems. God is good. He continues to fix my mistakes and I have a loving support system in place.

So… although I don’t have the perfect marriage or the perfect career or the perfect body… I am perfectly me and I am so glad of that.

The exciting news is that Angie and I are going to Weight Watchers tomorrow. She is a lifetime member. I’m a big ole WW dropout. I had asked for Weight Watchers for my birthday and there just hasn’t been time. Tomorrow there’s time!

After that, we’re going to start our Little House on the Prairie book club, the girls and I. It looks like we’ll be meeting at Jim and Angie’s around noon (for Stasha or anyone else who is interested in joining us) We’re starting with Little House in the Big Woods – we’ll read out loud to start with so that we can discuss as we go along. I don’t know what level of reading comprehension the girls are at. All of them can read – Jamie is just starting kindergarten but she’s a genius and can read anything. Sarabeth has just finished first grade and is also a genius and has been reading since before kindergarten. Jorjanne has just finished 3rd grade and is just as smart as the Gant girls… but none of them have read this series before and a lot of the words and terms are unfamiliar to them. Sarabeth and I read a little bit together two weeks ago and she was struggling to wrap her mind around the idea of not having electricity or cars and having to butcher your own meat. I’ll plan to read out loud with them for now… and maybe as we get further into it they’ll want to read some independently. I think we’ll eat pork rinds tomorrow… the first chapters talk about butchering a pig. I have some word searches for them to do, too. I’ll blog about what we do so you guys can read along. I love the idea of rediscovering this series thru the eyes of a new generation of little girls. Pop has bought tickets for me, Angie, Sarabeth and Jamie to go see Little House, the Musical next Saturday. I know that will give them a real visual of what Laura’s life was like.

Anyways… we’re short by two people today. Shirley’s doing her tour of duty at the other agency like I did last week. Theresa came in for a little while but her heart is just shattered over the loss of her dog. She went home after about an hour. I’m doing a late lunch because of it… but holding out ok. Once I come back from lunch there will only be 2 ½ hours left to my work week!

so glad it's friday...

I'm so glad it's Friday. I'm so glad. So glad for a break.
It feels like I'm constantly going from one crisis to another and I'm so tired.
I can't pay my bills. I can't provide the things my kid needs. I'm walking a tightrope of having enough food to get us thru until payday.
People who work shouldn't have these sort of concerns.
People who work and have no vices or addictions that drain their income.
I'm a sober, serious, hardworking person... it shouldn't be this hard.
Honestly, I'm so tired of trying to make ends meet that I want to just quit, give up, become like my ex-husband and just work when I run out of options and live off the generousity of others.
I'm kidding.
I don't mean that.
But the frustration is getting to me.
Add to that... the fact that I've essentially sold no commissionable products this year... nothing of consequence, anyways... despite trying harder than I've ever tried... so I have the stress of not making enough money to pay even our basic living expenses, trying to stay ahead of the car being reposessed, trying to keep from being evicted, worrying about being able to feed my kid and have gas and basic, basic things that most people don't even think about... can I stretch the toothpaste another week? is there a way to unstop the drain without having to buy drano? taking two advil when I really need four for a headache because I know if I run out it will be another week before I can afford more.
It sometimes just gets to be too much.
And although I am constantly told that I do a great job of service with my job... the fact that I suck at sales keeps me constantly on the hot seat. Makes me feel like I need to just quit and get a job at Walmart. At least I'd be poor enough to qualify for food stamps then.
I'm in that great abyss of not making enough money to live on but making too much money to qualify for any assistance.
The other day when I was thinking through what was in my pantry... and trying to figure out enough meals to get us thru until payday... pancakes... cornbread and beans... rice and beans... and my head was spinning from it all. I started praying that God would make a way for us to have enough to eat. I prayed for our daily bread. And while I'm so grateful that I CAN go to God... it's frustrating that after 8 years of working in the same industry, despite being good at my job, I can't earn enough to not have to worry about how we'll eat.
Not fifteen minutes later, someone asked if I wanted some extra produce from their garden. I fought back tears. Later that day, another person asked if I wanted some of the things from their pantry that her kids wouldn't eat. I never said a word to anyone. Not one word. I just prayed. They gave us enough stuff that we will make it through. I said, "you have no idea what a blessing this is" and it is.
But the stress of it all is catching up with me... and work was stressful yesterday morning... and I felt unwell. I felt like my blood pressure was high. So I went on lunch and checked and it was 170/105. So I rushed back to the office, called the doctor and they had me come straight in. I told them I couldn't pay them... they told me not to worry about it, that I needed to be seen. When I got there it was still high so they had me rest. I did. I read Time magazine and just sat quietly for an hour... and it went back to normal.
I had a long talk with my doctor. When I decided at the beginning of the year to quit all my meds cold turkey, I didn't talk to her. Not that I don't trust her, I just know she had an obligation to dissuade me from coming off all of those meds all at once. We talked about what symptoms I've had and what trouble I've had and the amazing thing is that I'm sleeping most nights and I'm not depressed (frustrated yes - not depressed). I'm breathing ok, a little congestion here and there and occasionally out of breath but... I'm overweight, I'm going to be out of breath sometimes. I haven't had any real blood pressure issues until now and once i rested, my blood pressure was the same as what it had been when I was on medication. She thinks my headaches this past week have been stress related. She wants to just monitor me, not medicate me. She said I can stop by any time I want to have my blood pressure checked - no charge. And she didn't charge me for yesterday's visit.
I spent the afternoon in my nest, just resting. Today I do feel stressed but I'm relieved it's friday and I plan to have a peaceful weekend. I'm trying to get the book club going with the girls, planning to go dancing with my friend Natalie, planning to go to church... and other than that, just enjoy a little peace and quiet.

Ok, that's the end of my whine today. Really, I'm glad it's Friday.

prayers, please...

Just a quick note before time for work to ask you guys to remember my co-worker Theresa... she's having to have her dog, Sebastian put down today. Theresa has had chronic health problems over the past few years and her puppy has been her constant companion and nurse. She loves him like one of her kids and I know she is devastated.

I have an issue with my right eye... it's red and irritated and running and itchy. I don't think it's pink eye - had it before and this feels different, almost like an allergy of some sort. Have to stick it out at work today because I need the money and the office needs me to be here.

Yesterday I prayed very specifically for a very specific need and, although I can't go into details right yet... God met that need in a very specific way. Things like that totally restore my faith. I'd rather not have the need... but I'm so grateful to know His answer is only a prayer away.

And my brother is moving today! Finally! We'll we're moving on up... to the... west side... to a deluxe apartment... on the 16th floor overlooking Central Park... Hoping all goes well for their move... no rain, no drama, no stuck elevators, no lost items, no broken items...

Have a great day, y'all!

talking to the animals

Yes. I am that crazy cat lady.
I have this ongoing conversation with Stubby and Bit-Bit...
"That is not for kitty cats..."
"are my babies hungry?"
"boys, stop fighting"
"where are my sleepy night-night kitty cats?"
"time for mommy up"
"I'm a bye-bye mommy"
"mommy yubs the baby kitties" (yubs = loves)
"don't bite mommy. mommy doesn't bite you"
"you can't eat mommy's toes"
"that's mommy's pillow... only mommy gets to sleep there"
"mommy can't see the computer when you sit right in front of her face"

You get the idea. I never understood "pet people" before. Now that I'm a mostly empty nester... I get it.

Time to dash... hope you have a great day!

totally non-topic tuesday

You don't realize how many articles of clothing you own with strings until you own a kitten who attacks strings.

Bitty Kitty also keeps attacking my feet at night. It's a heckova way to wake up.

I still love Max, the blonde haired surfer dude on TMZ.

My head is killing me. It's hurt off and on for a few days. I refuse to buy the expensive migraine meds. Refuse.

Austin's at bible study tonight with his friends. I'm not entirely sure these kids are good kids but at least they're church-going heathens, not unchurched heathens, right?

Today is my brother's birthday. He's older than me and has a lot more grey hair.

I went to the library yesterday. I love the Cornelia library. Libraries are cool because you get to take stuff without paying for it. Of course, you have to give it back at some point.

I've had sloppy joes for dinner three nights in a row. B-R-O-K-E!

The kids' dad says he's having to move so ONCE AGAIN he can't pay child support. I was getting spoiled. I had gotten three payments in a row. So it goes with him. He'll still be paying when his kids are on social security.

I'm semi-excited about the World Cup. Soccer is fairly exciting.

The Braves are in 1st place so I imagine Cody is pleased. That kid is a ridulously huge Braves fan.

I was typing this sitting indian style aka "criss cross applesauce" and my right foot went to sleep. It feels odd.

I think Obama is socially inept.

The oil on the birds makes me really sad. Today I bought gas at Racetrack instead of the more convenient BP station.

I've been reading more since I cut back on my social networking games. I'm sure that has nothing to do with my headaches. @@ <--- eyeroll

I'm due for an eye exam. No time, no money. I do have vision coverage though.

It's on the "to do" list... shots for the kitty cat, declawing for the kitty cat, neutering for the kitty cat, trip to Chicago for Purple Michael's birthday, dentist for me and Austin, school clothes for Austin... these are the things I need to earn extra money for this summer. Please, God?

By the way, I added kale to the sloppy joes to make them healthier.

Ok. That's all I've got. Time to cuddle up with the remote and watch Hell's Kitchen.

love and hugs, y'all.

being the old cat lady is not the same thing as being catwoman

This is my third attempt to post this weekend. The truth is... my tales of living like a cat are just not that exciting.

I'm officially The Old Cat Lady... not because I have a house full of cats (two doesn't equal house full) but because I've been sleeping like a cat this weekend... waking for a few hours, sleeping for a few hours... and it's been delicious.

But boring.

I've watched a few movies... Paint Your Wagon, Juno, Lolita... yes, diverse but it's just what's been on. I'm about to watch Funny Girl.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm excited to watch the premiere of Kate Plus 8 tonight. I like her. Yes, I know she's pushy and a stage mom and a shrew and using her kids, blah, blah, blah. But I still find her fascinating.

I love TCM.

I also love styrofoam cups with lids... the kind that you get from Chickfila, McDonalds, Sonic. I enjoy my beverage and then I re-use the cup for days. Austin swears that I had a slushie without him today because I have a Sonic cup. WRONG!

We're on a tight budget this month. Tighter than usual, as I am determined to get our bills caught up and our living expenses under control. We just had a $30 grocery trip... we're having pb&j lunches, sloppy joes, pasta with chicken and burgers this week. This weekend - because Austin had been hanging out at his friend Zack's nonstop and I therefore didn't plan any meals for him - we've been eating caprese salad (tomato, fresh mozzarella and fresh basil) and eating my 10 grain hot cereal with bananas. We have not starved. I also have stuff to make taboule which I love and Austin hasn't tried. We each picked out one craving food... he got cheezits and I got dark chocolate covered raisins. I always have an emergency ration of brown rice and dried beans and the making of cornbread. We sent our emergency spaghetti rations to Zack's house as they were out of food stamps.

Hard times all around, right? Hoping to get some nice fresh vine ripened tomatoes from some of my gardening buddies. A co-worker gave me lettuce out of her garden last week and it was awesome. She asked if I wanted any of their other produce over-production and I practically jumped up and down. Yes!

It's been a good weekend for me. I needed some down time. My hair is a mess (but clean) from the bitty kitty licking it. I don't know why. I'm dressed like a homeless person (but comfortable) because I have been too tired/lazy to do laundry. I have a toothache but it's not nearly as bad as I feared it would get to be over the weekend. When I left work on Friday afternoon I was in pretty bad pain.

I love reading the wikipedia entries for old movies while I'm watching them.

Time to make some sloppy joes for me and the kid. Hope you had a good weekend!

it's friday. yep. it's friday.

I'm heading to Gainesville today to observe another agency and hopefully pick up some nifty new sales tricks. Two of my co-workers have been and found it to be rather unpleasant so I'm a bit anxious... my stomach is in knots... but I'm working at having the right attitude. Really, I am. It's just really unusual for me to throw up before work. Not something I'd like to have as part of my every day glam routine.

The good news is that I'll be near my favorite lunch spot and can have thai curry beef for lunch. Yes, it's all about the food.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and watched some old movie from 1936. I forget the name but it was about a big city girl marrying a small town doctor. Typical 1930's angst with happy ending. Great costumes.

Cody and Marquee have been married for a week! That went by fast!

I just realized there's an exhibit in Atlanta of Princess Diana's stuff and I really want to see it. It only runs thru the 13th so if I'm going, I probably need to go this weekend. Wonder if it's in the budget? Probably not.

My brother Bryan FINALLY after a year of aggravations and delays- finally has closed on his new FABULOUS apartment in NYC - Upper West Side - overlooking Central Park. I can't wait to see it!

Farmville has this new promotion in conjunction with 7-11 stores that offers great prizes. The problem for me is that there are no 7-11 stores anywhere nearby. So any of you who have 7-11's in your area... and are willing to purchase a slurpee or two to advance my farm, I'd be forever in your debt. Or at least temporarily.

I've given up all but two of my social networking games. I'm trying to spend less time online and more time enjoying the real world... learning italian... reading... basically, just be a more well rounded person intellectually and socially and less well rounded physically.

You would think that having 5 days off in a row would have made this week a picnic in the park. The truth is that I feel like I haven't had a weekend in about three weeks. Or a month, maybe.

Must glam and head into civilization. Prayers appreciated.

random thursday

so tired
feeling like writing an ee cummings post with no punctuation or capitalization
couldn't do that every time because it would drive me - and my readers - nuts
yesterday morning i was sick to my stomach, dizzy, miserable but i thought...
it's a short day, i'll tough it out...
and then one co-worker left with severe back pain
and another rushed to the er with a kidney stone
so i stuck it out
and felt better than i thought i would
but so. so. so. tired
don't imagine either will be back today
so still very shorthanded
makes it so hard to supplement my income
but trusting God
have to capitalize God
tomorrow i'm supposed to visit a high producing agency to learn their secrets of success
i've worked in four agencies full time
filled in as a temp in several more
interviewed and closely observed a dozen more
sure
i need to spend a day watching someone else
eyeroll
honestly, i appreciate the thought behind it
why am i not getting sales
frustrating
i mean... my own kid bought health insurance from someone else
although, honestly, we couldn't have covered marquee due to some pre-existing stuff
so it was the better choice
do i sound discouraged
maybe
tired is more likely
just a bit whiny
or a lot
i need to sleep for twelve hours
without bitty kitty biting my toes
he cant seem to reconcile to the fact that my toes are attached to me
and why is it that i feel so judged when my cats see me naked
they look completely confused
so very sad about the young lady murdered in peru by the same guy who likely murdered natalee holloway
her dad is a state farm agent
hope they finally get that very sick young man locked up
also very sad about the pitcher whose perfect game was stolen from him by a blown call
heartbreaking
for both him and the umpire who made the bad call
i know he feels horrible
ok
must finish the glam routine
go pay the power bill
make my way to the office
oh, one more thing
someone i care for very much is making a decision that i fear will haunt her the rest of her life
something irreversible
drastic
sad
tragic
and there are so many better solutions available
i'm the only one shes told so i know that God
capital G
intends for me to be His voice in this situation
please pray
pray
cody texted me yesterday on his way into the magic kingdom
so very happy for him and quee
love my kids
must dash for real
love y'all

hopes for June

So it's Wednesday already, praise the Lord! And it's early release day for me, after working "regular hours" the past two weeks. I'm ready for it. It hasn't been a long work week, obviously, but it's been a long and busy and stressful past month. Jim was sort of recapping things the other day - the out of the ordinary things we've faced - the death of Angie's grandmother, putting down Princess the Fabulous Feral Feline, my car issue, the girls dance recital, Cody's wedding, having Bryan and Candice visit (which was wonderful, just not "ordinary")... Angie's 40th birthday party... lots of different stuff for us to adjust to. I'm worn out. I need a very boring June.

June 2006 was when I began the year long brow-beating from *he who won't be named* over the trailer I owned and the potential debt that would bring into our marriage and spent the summer desperately trying to repair/refurbish it so that it would sell. Although he was many, many tens of thousands of dollars in debt (unbeknownst to me) he made me feel completely worthless because I had done the best I could to provide a stable home for my children by buying the nicest place I could afford for them to live in.

June 2007 I foolishly agreed to marry this person who is void of (by his own admission) compassion and the ability to love unconditionally. I scampered around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to find something appropriate to wear in our wedding while staying under the budget he dictated, while having zero input into the wedding and while busting my butt in the gym every day to stay under his dictated weight limit. Seriously.

In June 2008 I had surgery and while I was recovering from it had the scary mammogram results (and Dr. Evil's "whoa is me" pity party over having to deal with a wife with a potential problem)...

In June 2009 I first got sick with the bronchitis that wouldn't go away.

This June will be NO MAS! No more icky sicky unhappy times. It's gonna be peaceful, restful, beautiful, exciting, fun.

I've already promised Natalie - PROMISED HER, she pointed out - that I will go contra dancing with her the next time she goes, which will be this month- so I'll be learning something new.

I have a friend who has a history of horrible Junes. I'm praying for her.
I have another friend who has found herself in a horrible situation and I fear she is planning a horrible solution. I'm praying for her.
I have a brand new daughter-in-law. I'm praying for her.
I have so much to think about - so many people to think about beyond the scope of my own little needs and expectations. I know that God is good. I am grateful for the past Junes that leave me hopeful for better days.
Everything is lush and green... life is good.
Time to finish the glam routine and make my way to work. Happy Day, y'all!

so. dang. tired.

"Hey Cody... you just married the girl of your dreams... what's next for you??"

"We're going to Disney World!"

Yep. The kids are at Disney on their honeymoon. Makes me sad in a way because I never could afford to take my kids there when they were little... but so happy that he's able to go now and enjoy it with someone special. Aren't amusement parks much more fun with someone you love?

As for me... I'm exhausted. Bone tired. After spending Thursday and Friday focused on the wedding and wedding set up and traveling back and forth to Atlanta, and then spending Saturday making sure Angie's 40th birthday party was everything she hoped for (it was!)... I spent Sunday soaking up as much Bryan and Candice time as possible. We did a lot of touristy things... Babyland General, Habersham Winery, the stores in Sautee... we cooked dinner at Jim and Angie's and I got to spend some great time with my girls. I even took up Sarabeth's challenge at Just Dance on Wii (she beat me).

Yesterday I was a slug. I was trying to do this 24 cleanse where you drink pomegranate juice and eat raw almonds, brown rice and green salad and drink lots of water to remove the toxins from your body. I made it until 4pm and was so sick... dizzy, nauseous, weak... that I ate dinner. And went to bed. I was in bed shortly after 6pm... and slept until 3am... I woke up for a little bit, played my little social networking games and then went BACK to sleep until 6:30. Now I'm up, showered and ready to head into the office. Back to life.

I'm so exhausted that I feel like there's a weight on my chest. I have GOT to lose weight. This feeling of being completely wiped out from a few days of activity is no kind of fun.

Anyways... it's a 4 day work week... I'll survive. But if the laundry fairy wants to visit my house some time this week, I wouldn't turn it away!

Hope you have a Terrific Tuesday!