My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

come play on my mood swings... an emotional day in the life of me

I've got a dozen different ways this blog could go today... but I think maybe I'll just show you a day in the emotional life of Heather. Let's recap yesterday, shall we?

6am feeling peaceful... playing online... blogging... catching up on emails... happy, happy, joy, joy
7am battling with the truant child... feeling stressed... discouraged.. alone
8am left late for work due to battle with child... eating pumpkin and barley while driving behind a woman who apparently is on a Sunday drive... driving 10 miles below the speed limit. feeling road rage... anxiety about being at work on time... remember I haven't paid Austin's insurance premiums. Feeling forgetful.
8:30 am phone call from the parent advocate at the school regarding Austin's absences and subsequent danger of failing 11th grade. explain my lack of support, inability to make him cooperate. hang up the phone feeling discouraged. tearful.
9am co-worker out sick. busier than usual. paperwork missing on a life case i started in August. it's the life case that never ends. began discussion with Duane about what caused the problem. I am not in the mood to recap... feeling rushed and frustrated.
10am client comes in to make changes to her policies. her husband of 49 years, a salty, gruff old fellow who I adored has passed away unexpectedly in the past month. shift my energy to comforting grieving client... cry with her... i understand her sense of loss. Silently offer up a prayer for God to provide... share my faith with her that God always fills in the gaps for us... and also pray that God will bring someone into my life that I will love as deeply. Feeling sadness for this dear lady but rejoicing with her in the hope that she has - not only that her husband is with Jesus but that Jesus will meet all her needs in this new stage of life.
11am working what I call "the Loser List"... calling people who are behind on their insurance premiums. not every agency does this... we find it helps us keep business on the books. sadly, my name is on the loser list. feeling... like a loser.
12pm my usual lunchtime... delayed because I am picking the girls up from school. have a quick bite at my desk. realize I never finished breakfast. don't finish lunch either. take a quick peek at CNN and FoxNews to see what's going on in the world. Decide I don't want to know what's going on in the world and resume working the loser list. Feeling... out of touch with the world.
1pm co-worker goes to lunch. feeling tired. compose email to proposed suitor explaining why our relationship isn't a good idea. hit send. feeling... like I'll be single for the rest of my life. feeling guilty for not being able to reciprocate feelings of proposed suitor. receive text from Red Flag Guy... intensifies feeling of relationship hopelessness... but appreciate the friendships I'm building along the way. Feels... bittersweet.
2pm other co-worker supposed to go to lunch so that I can leave for lunch at 3pm to pick up the girls. other co-worker drags his feet... he likes a very late lunch. i gently remind him that I have to go at 3 and he has to be back then. He still tarries. Feeling like a nag... and again, feeling stressed.
3pm grab my afternoon snack since I never finished breakfast or lunch. get in the car and head for the girls' elementary school - about a five minute drive from my office. Open my little container of chicken salad and find a bug. Extract bug... dig whole grain cracker from my bag and... find a bug. Is this the same bug as before? Did I fail to properly extract? Is there a whole colony of bugs? How did they survive the refrigerator? Is the chicken salad contaminated? Feeling confused and hungry. Decide to discard chicken salad. Girls get in the car... they are always initally shy and reserved. It dissipates quickly... in less than sixty seconds. Chatter begins... competition for Aunt Heather's attention ensues... cries of "Sister... I was talking"... "Aunt Heather, are you listening". Aunt Heather explains she can hear both at the same time because she has two ears. Feeling... content.
3:30 pm make a stop at the local Dairy Queen for two hot fudge sundaes, one no sugar added dilly bar and a cup of ice (Jamie's request) (she never used it). drive to the local college amphitheatre for an ice cream picnic. the sky is blue, the clouds are puffy, the temp is 57 degrees, the girls are happy and chatty, I am eating ice cream. Feeling... delighted. Listen for the chapel bell to ring 3:45 so we can return to my office.
4pm settle girls in behind my desk to make bookmarks out of leftover office materials and Aunt Heather's ever present sharpie collection. catch up on scanning and other paperwork that requires little concentration so that I can multi-task with girls. feeling thankful for a boss who will indulge me a little double duty with my favorite girls. The phone rings... Jamie hollers at me, "are you gonna get it?" texting again with Red Flag Guy about picnic... possible road trip to the beach. Feeling thankful for our friendship.
5pm counting money. girls amazed at the process. enjoying "faith bands" silly bands that tell a bible story. check out website and plan to order more. girls argue over bible story of David and Goliath. Angie comes to pick up girls... we clean up, gather their things, chat with the boss, girls get a little antsy... feeling tired. Drive home. Debate stopping for gas as I will need it for Wednesday but... don't want to. Feeling like a procrastinator.
6pm Austin still in foul temper but his resolve is fading. Fill cats completely empty water and food bowls even though Austin was home all day. Realize clothes in dryer are still damp. Realize I never stopped to pay power bill. Realize I don't have the energy to fix dinner, even though it only involves heating things up. Realize I'm not hungry because of the ice cream picnic. Turn on news. Walk past exercise ball in the middle of the floor and realize I'm too tired to exercise. Turn on laptop. Settle into the nest with a glass of wine and a box of almond nutcrisps. Feeling... like I have a lot of unfinished business. Feeling overwhelmed.
7pm Grill a piece of chicken after chiseling about a months worth of char off of the George Foreman grill which Austin has been using. Remember that I had cleaned it carefully only a few days before. Feeling aggravated. Finish wine. Feeling relaxed.
8pm watch Biggest Loser, hoping to find inspiration from the show. Remember why I hate it. Give up and change channel to watch Sugar Bowl. Austin asks about meeting i have scheduled today at his school regarding his truancy. I'm still angry at him. I tell him I will miss work because he can't be bothered to go to school. He asks if he should go to the meeting. I tell him I don't care. I do care. I'm feeling angry. Still.
9pm facebook. feeling lazy.
10pm Parenthood comes on. Love this show! Austin decides to try to make peace. Tries to negotiate. I stonewall him. He starts cleaning the living room... the thing that began our disagreement 26 hours before. I'm trying to go to sleep. He keeps coming in my room asking where I want this thing or that thing. I ask him to shut my door. I'm feeling... accomplished that he understands... but sleepy.

Good night.


MammawsDecorativeArt said...

I'm praying for you to have a little boost of favor and a big boost of energy. Sending hugs and encouragement your way. You're a very impressive lady.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this, Heather! Many of my days seem similar - but it sure is nice to have the help that I do. I know you won't have to struggle forever - your persistence WILL pay off and what's you're going through now is making you one tough woman! Thank you for the card - I loved it!!!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Love, Melissa