Every blog entry I start to write feels so oppressive and depressing that I just close blogger and go on to something else. See... I am so incredibly fortunate to be where I am, to have the amount of family support that I have that it feels wrong to come here and complain about how I'm feeling. But... I know you wonder and I know you come here because you want to know how I'm doing. I don't want to be a downer. I don't want to be the whiny blog that you avoid because you just can't stand to hear the same sad song. Truly, it's hard to wake up every day facing a day of discomfort and isolation and uncertainty. When I say that I don't mean that I want to stop waking up... because that's not the case even in the least. I just lay down at night knowing that a good night's sleep is just pressing the restart button on whatever pains the next day brings. It's hard. That's all.
Here's the thing - if you took pain out of the equation I'd have to say that I'm at a very peaceful, happy point in life. I'm not feeling any romantic ambivalence... "does he really like me?" or "is he the right guy?" or "should I give that relationship another chance?" all that drama that has plagued me most of my adult life in the grand search for Mr. Right. I always prayed that God would either bring the right guy into my life or allow me to be content as a single person and I'm honestly, one hundred percent content. I can't imagine inflicting the instability of my medical situation on someone who would love me and be concerned about me and have to base their lifestyle around the things that I can't do - which is a lot. It feels so perfect to not have that.
I feel at peace about my kids. Yes, I want Austin to find a job and be more responsible but the heavy sadness that was hanging over our heads for awhile has dissipated. He's in a happy relationship and is spending a lot of time with her family. Please don't think me a bad mom for saying that I'm glad that he's not home as much. I love my kids. I love spending time with them. I just don't love spending ALL my time with them. That's all. Cody's doing well at work and happy in his marriage. Ryan and Sara are doing well (last I heard). As much as I don't want or need a romantic relationship for myself, I need for my kids to be happily coupled and they are.
I love shopping with my mom... who always insists that I get something for myself. I love grocery shopping with my dad as we plan meals for HIM to cook during the week. I am spending time with them that few adults get to have with their parents and they take care of everything I need. I spent my entire adult life struggling financially and worrying every month about keeping the rent paid and the lights on and the car in the driveway and it's nice to not have those things hanging over my head. I'm anxious about getting a response from social security - and I can't even imagine what I'll do if it's ultimately a no - but this wait could be SO much worse than it is.
Without sounding like a crazy cat lady, I am so grateful that my cousin picked out Little Trouble Kitty for me three years ago. I've never had a pet that I enjoyed or adored as much. He's really my best buddy and constant companion. He's the perfect pet for me and I treasure him. I even enjoy the rest of the herd, both dogs and cats (although I couldn't care less about the fish). They enrich our lives and I'm glad to be able to have the luxury of fur babies.
Honestly. I add these things up daily along with so many other things and I am grateful for this season of life. I really am. I'm glad to be able to spend time with my nieces. I'm loving the time to indulge in hobbies like cross stitch and genealogy. It's fun to be a couch potato and to expand my mind with hours and hours of CSpan and PBS. There is so much good in my life... but it hurts so bad. And it doesn't hurt the same way every day. One day it's the evil gut pain. One day it's a migraine. One day it's my lower spine. Always something. Hardly ever a day - or even an hour - completely pain free. And it's not just the pain - it's what the pain takes from me like the ability to carry on an intelligent conversation because I'm so distracted. It's the inability to go places and see people and do things and the isolation that brings. It's being 46 and knowing that I'm not ever going to be free of this pain. It's hard to connect with people because the world is a very different place for me than most people.
And then I compare my life and my non-fatal (as far as I know) pain to people who are suffering on a whole different level - people who are dealing with potentially fatal illness, people who don't have the freedoms I enjoy here in this country - people who don't have family to fall back on. I feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself at all.
That's the mental marathon I run every day. Dealing with the pain. Feeling grateful for the blessings in my life. Feeling frustrated by the limitations in my life. Feeling guilty for feeling bad for myself. And those things are the constant undercurrent of my life and I know I've said it here a thousand times in the past three and half years and I can't imagine why anyone would want to hear all that again.
So I close the blog and go work on my cross stitch.
The project I finished last Thursday is at the top of this page. My new project came in the mail on Friday and it is HUGE. It's going to take a long time to complete but it is a really neat family keepsake. It's my motivation for getting out of bed in the morning.
And that's the way it is. Hope you're having a great weekend... love and hugs all around!