my lovely, lazy, 5% saturday

If you notice the ticker above this entry... you will see that I have no achieved 5% weight loss! More like... blew that sucker out of the water! I lost 2.2 pounds this week! Partly due to Candice's suggestion that I eat MORE to keep my metabolism going... and it worked! I've been eating between 25-30 points per day instead of keeping it between 22 and 25. I'm eating more and losing more... even though I slacked a bit on exercise this week. Gotta love that! My total weight loss is 12.8 pounds... I just need 8.2 pounds to get my first ten percent! Today is day 50 on Weight Watchers and I'm still going strong!

My friend at Weight Watchers brought me some quinoa... she made a trip to Whole Foods last night and thought of me and my quinoa search. SOoooo... today I made quinoa salad... two and a half cups of cooked quinoa (cooled), 1 cup of chopped cucumber, 1 cup of chopped tomato, finely chopped onion and green pepper, lime juice, lemon juice and olive oil. YUM!

After WW we walked next door to the little farmer's market. Really little. Like... six farmers. But... they had beautiful heirloom tomatoes (laughing at the comment from yesterday talking about me talking about my food as beautiful... it really is!) and a huge bunch of purple and green basil and fresh corn on the cob and little green bell peppers that taste more like bell pepper than anything I've had in a long time.

Then I stopped by the local grocery store and bought garlic (to make roasted garlic. MMMM!) and nut crisp crackers (cuz I wanted something crunchy) and more of those fabulous cocoa roasted almonds that I used for my snack last week... and it seems like there was something else but I don't remember.

This afternoon I made pesto. I wasn't as happy with mine as I was with the pesto I tried last week. I made some green spaghetti... whole wheat pasta with pesto. Packed up for later.

My parents gave me their food processor because I could never get the mini one that I bought to work. I couldn't get theirs to work either. Apparently I'm really not mechanically inclined. Really not. SO... I opened up the box with the mini one and broke out the directions, hoping to find a clue that would help me figure out theirs... and I saw a step I had missed while trying to use the mini one... I did it... and it worked. So... I'll pack theirs back up and give it back to them. The mini one is perfect for the portion size that I need and easy to clean.

For breakfast I had almonds and then roasted garlic on the nut crackers. Not very hungry. Then I had broiled orange roughy with broiled tomatoes for lunch. Haven't had dinner yet... maybe the quinoa salad. Or green spaghetti.

The weather has been so mild today. It was supposed to be pushing 100 but we've had rain showers off and on all day and it's a comfy 76 degrees right now. Perfect for a walk... but I'm feeling lazy. I should walk while it's pleasant. I really should. But... like I mentioned earlier... just sort of feeling blah, no appetite, sort of dragging. Maybe I just needed a lazy day. Tomorrow I'll kick it back in gear... go to church... work out afterwards...

Tonight... it's me, the laptop, the remote and a stack of good books. Happy Saturday, y'all!

some more friday stuff

When people start giving you grief about your clothes being too big… it’s really awesome! My jeans are sliding around on me today.
I can’t wait to find out what it’s like to sit down without having my gut in my lap.
It also feels great to be able to have the stamina to work all day and then actually function AFTER work until midnight.
I missed my decompression time – which is different from depression time – but I’m glad to know that I can do things.
Walking from the parking lot to the theatre last night… my grandmother was walking faster than me. I’ve got some catching up to do.
She’s pretty much always eaten healthy, though. Her father was a doctor.
Fiddler on the Roof is such a dark show. I mean… there’s the happy “tradition” aspect… but the whole pogrom thing and the spooky dream. I forgot about that.
I really enjoyed going to the theatre though. I so greatly enjoy live theatre. Nothing beats it.
The Tevye was stellar. The Golde was weak. I wanted to help her sing. Never a good sign. But it was opening night.

Weigh in is tomorrow. I’m hoping to hit my 5% goal – just need .4 pounds to get there. I think I’m down a pound, unless something salty happens between today and tomorrow. I’m planning corn on the cob for dinner. I don’t know what else… but I bought some beautiful corn. Oh… and I have a perfectly ripened avocado that’s just begging to be partnered with a tomato and a cucumber in a nice lime vinaigrette.
I’m having to remember to do proteins because the veggie pickin’s are so pleasant right now.
I’m going to plan a shopping trip at one of the big, diverse Farmer’s Markets in the city. Hate to have to go to the city for produce when the gardens up here are so plentiful… but there are some things you just can’t get and a girl can only eat so many tomatoes a week (I think I’ve literally eaten a dozen tomatoes in the past week).
I added chicken to my caprese salad for today… just a little grilled chicken… to amp up the protein.
I had scrambled eggs for breakfast with the ever present tomato and basil and a little sprinkle of parm cheese. Really nice.
I’m so draggy today…

I haven’t done good with exercise this week. Every other day instead of every day. I’ll do better next week. I’m still way heavier than I was when I exercised before. It’s hard… and it’s too hot to do anything outdoors other than swim. And I’m too fat to put myself on display at any of the local swimming holes.

Today is day 49 of Weight Watchers. LOOOOVE that I’ve stayed on track and on plan this whole time without any cravings. Truly, you can eat anything on WW, as long as you’re cautious of the portion sizes.

photo finish friday...

Here's our merry little crew on our way to see Fiddler on the Roof presented by the Licklog Players at the Peacock Playhouse in Hayesville, NC. I think you can pretty much identify the folks in the picture... my brother Jim, his wife Angie, their daughters Sarabeth and Jamie... my parents, me, Austin and my Steel Magnolia, Grandma Leta - who is closer to 87 than 86 and walks faster than me!

This is my lovely chili lime salad from lunch yesterday... lots of colors, tastes awesome! This is the last picture I have of my Bitty Kitty... he wanted to go on the picnic with me on Sunday... no word from him...

The drive over the mountain was NOT BAD AT ALL last night... beautiful, clear summer night. We laughed and sang the whole way home and i was in bed by midnight. I might be dragging a bit by evening but it was totally worth it. Happy Friday, y'all!

my thankful thursday post for the day...

Hmmm... Thankful Thursday again...

Here's what's on my mind today:
After work I'm driving "over the mountain" to Hayesville, NC to see the Peacock Players present Fiddler on the Roof. The drive over the mountain is arduous... it's an hours worth of hairpin twists and turns with no forgiveness on either side. The drive there in broad daylight will be ok... dizzying but ok... the drive home will be late at night. Super scary.
I'm thankful that my grandmother is still alive, still able to go to plays, that I have the opportunity to visit with family, that I have gas in my car, that the tickets were a gift... and more than anything, I'm thankful for my new glasses to help me drive at night!

I've got three close friends who are struggling for different reasons. Here are their stories:

Friend A - is a newly divorced mom of two boys. In the past year she's dealt with abuse from her ex-husband, two job losses, an unexpected pregnancy by a casual acquaintance (which she terminated) and the loss of her home. She is currently unemployed, having to share her parents' 1 bedroom house and extremely discouraged.

Friend B has 3 kids and is married to a man who is - at best bi-polar, at worst, schizophrenic. About every six-nine months he decides that he's done with their marriage and launches Mel Gibson-esque attacks on my friend. He tells her how worthless she is, that she's ruined his life, that he's in love with someone else... horrible, destructive, hateful things. And after much weeping and gnashing of teeth, they will go through the paces of getting a divorce and when it gets right down to the wire, he'll have a change of heart and they'll reconcile. He plays super husband for a time period while she cleans up the collateral damage from his last outburst and then... it cycles on again. This has happened many, many times. It's happening again and again, she's devastated.

Friend C has 4 kids under the age of 12 and is divorced. She works hard. She's beautiful and energetic and upbeat and just as sweet as can be. She's facing foreclosure on their home and has to raise $4,000 by September. She doesn't have family support (which has been my safety net over the past two years!) and no one in her peer group has that kind of money. It's quite possible that it's better for her to let the house go and move to a more affordable place but her kids have been thru a lot and she wants them to be able to keep their home.

Here's the thing: everywhere I turn, there are people facing hardships of different types. Everyone struggles. Everyone hurts. Everyone faces challenges. Some are of our own making. In every one of those situations you could point to a crossroads where that person made a decision that led to the circumstances they're in... so that begs the question... when people suffer because of their own poor choices, do they deserve compassion? When people face consequences for their actions... do we stand by and let them suffer?

For me... the answer is no. I am a product of grace. I depend on grace. Without grace, I would be lost... literally, physically, emotionally, spiritually...

It's thankful Thursday... am I thankful that my friends are hurting? No. But I'm thankful that I can believe in a God who heals hurts, who answers prayer, who solves monumental problems... and who helps me over mountains... both literally and figuratively.

Hope you have a beautiful day! Time for me to get to work!

-----------------------------

I just have to say... my sister-out-law Candice swears by her two cups of coffee a day... one in the morning and one in the afternoon... I had a big cup at lunch to give me an energy boost for this evening and I have never felt better, thought more clearly or been more productive in the afternoon! That midday cup is going into my daily routine!

And it's the Peacock Playhouse and Licklog Players that are putting on Fiddler tonight...

have a great evening, y'all! Keep me and my late night drive home in your prayers!

wonderful wednesday!

Trying not to focus too much on the fact that my Bitty Baby has run away from home... but we sure do miss him! Stubby woke me up howling at the back door this morning... I thought that might mean Bitty was out there... but he wasn't. Then Stubby led me on a game of hide and seek... as if he was saying, "have you checked here? what about here? under the couch?"... bless his heart. Austin is really bummed too.

He's just a cat, right? We had a client in the office yesterday whose 18 year old son committed suicide last weekend. I know the difference between the loss of a person and an animal returning to their instinctive behaviors. But... still... when I wash the dishes and he doesn't climb up on the door of the dishwasher to "help" me unload it... ducking to avoid getting splashed with water... when I put on my makeup and he isn't perched on the counter supervising everything... when I sit in my nest and he isn't on my chest blocking my view of the laptop... when he doesn't walk across my keyboard, putting on the caps lock.... when I can eat a whole meal without having to push his nosy self out of my plate... when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and don't have to move him first... when I come BACK to bed in the middle of the night and don't have to move him to reclaim my spot... there's definitely a void in my life with my baby boy missing.

This is a good life here and I am so grateful for what God has done for us... but it can be a bit solitary for me here at home, now that Austin is of the age that he prefers hanging out with friends to hanging out with mom. It's lonely sometimes. A good cat fills that lonely place... and Stubby, bless his heart, he's a good cat but he's one of those cats that would prefer not to be picked up and he doesn't have the mobility or the curiousity to really shadow me the way that Bitty does. Did.

People keep telling me he'll come home. For some reason... I just don't think so. My gut feeling is that he's not coming back.

But I slept well last night... and I feel pretty good today... and although I haven't actually SOLD anything this week, I'm feeling encouraged and enthusiastic about what I'm selling, and that definitely helps.

I've eaten well this week too...yesterday it was a fried egg sandwich (egg fried in pam, whole wheat bread) for breakfast with blackberries... chickpea caprese salad with the beautiful orange tomatoes and purple basil... hummus and cauliflower for lunch... cocoa roasted almonds for snack... fresh whole wheat cheese filled tortellini with my own homemade tomato sauce with a fresh tomato, spinach, basil and parm sauteed in olive oil for dinner. I love what I'm eating. I realized this morning that I didn't have any meat yesterday... and took a piece of fish out of the freezer to thaw for dinner. Breakfast this morning was one of my stuffed cabbage rolls - purple cabbage stuffed with mushed chickpea, brown rice, onion, peppers... in tomato sauce - and the leftover pasta veggies from last Wednesday night - pattypan squash, okra, zucchini, green tomato, corn... really happy breakfast! Lunch will be... my chili lime salad made with black beans, corn, bean sprouts, tomatoes, chili seasoning, lime - topped with 1/2 an avocado and served with multi-grain crispbread and an orange.

Ok... time to dash... have a Wonderful Wednesday, y'all.

tantrum tuesday

I'm changing Whiny Wednesday into Tantrum Tuesday...

Bitty Kitty is missing. He was so afraid of "outside"... he would tremble if you carried him out. He loved to watch out the window (which is why I'm STILL missing a set of blinds in my front window) but he would never step a paw outside the door. Yet... somehow... he's gotten out of the house and we can't find him. Our house feels so empty without him... Stubby the 3legged Wondercat has howled all night. He keeps coming up to me as if to say, "Mommy, where is our boy?" Stubby slept in Bitty's usual spot on the bed last night. I gave Stubbs a little catnip tea to help settle him down. We miss our boy.

Hopefully... he's just sowing his wild oats and will find his way back home soon. Then I'll tether him to the house... little Tomcat. There are bears and coyotes and mean dogs and who knows what else lurking around here, though. I'm trying to not freak out... to trust him, like I trust everything else in my life, to God's hand. I hold things (and people) loosely because nothing is guaranteed - the only thing that is eternal is God. But Bitty has been a good companion and I will miss him...

That's complaint number one.

Number two is my stupid pinky toe that apparently wishes to abdicate from my body. In 2006 that toe got smacked and whacked and separated from it's peers so many times I lost count. I don't know for sure how many times it's been dislocated and how many times it's been actually broken. It's permanently deformed. Yesterday... I tripped up on my step stool - you know, the one that caused the "shinjury" a few months ago. Great, very solid wood step stool. Hurts like the dickens when you kick it. And then... this morning... in the dark... I kicked it again. Same foot, different toe. Good times.

Third complaint is that as a result of my sleeping lightly due to missing Bitty... and Stubbs hollering all night... and due to my satellite being out for two hours and taking away my sleeping noise... I have been up since 3am. This is no kinda week for me to get behind on my sleep with Marathon Thursday on the way. I'm so frustrated.

And then... the stupid coffee pot that I thought Austin had fixed... didn't work this morning. So I'm only semi-caffeinated.

Number 5... Austin made cookies late last night and left the mess all over my kitchen that I have worked SOOOOO HARD to keep clean. (I will confess to eating a cookie - one of my old weaknesses and you know what? It wasn't good. Not that he didn't do a good job with the recipe... it was too sweet, too greasy and completely unsatisfying.)

Ok... I think those are all my complaints so far today.

Happy Tuesday, y'all. Really, I mean it.

OH! BUT THERE IS GOOD NEWS!!! Unofficially I am down 12 pounds! I've been concentrating on eating 3-5 of my "extra points" every day - putting me at between 28-30 points - which translates roughly to 1400-1500 calories per day. I'm eating more and losing more. That's good stuff.

hey... good lookin'... whatcha got cookin?

So today has been a much more productive Sunday than usual for me... got up, packed a yummy picnic, fought with my non-compliant teenager, went to church, went on a picnic with some friends, made a grocery run, made my lunches for the week...

Here's what's on the menu this week at Casa Weight Watchers:

chili lime salad
chickpea caprese salad
quinoa lentil salad
leftover spicy pasta salad (leftover from last week)
cauliflower and hummus
whole wheat rotini (unsure of sauce yet)
salmon
fresh tuna
blackberries and yogurt for breakfast
whole wheat bread from our trusty local bakery
homemade croutons to serve the first two salads over (to amp up my whole grains and b vitamins)

I'm exited about the chili lime salad... it's something I dreamed up with some stuff I had in the pantry. Here's how I made it:
1 can black beans (rinsed)
1 can corn (whole kernal, rinsed) (rinsed to remove sodium from canned veggies)
1 can bean sprouts (the kind you put in chinese food)
chopped tomatoes
roasted red pepper (I used the kind from a jar... half a pepper)
1/2 package chili seasoning (the kind you use to make a pot of chili)
chili oil (just a drizzle)
lime juice
thinly sliced red onion
a little red wine vinegar
mixed together! I so very much wanted fresh cilantro in this salad and even made a special trip to the grocery store JUST to get cilantro... and there was none in the whole store. I even asked the produce guy to check in the back for me. He wasn't very enthusiastic about it, but he did. The way I prepared this it's only 1-2 weight watchers points per cup so I might add avocado to it. (avocado is high point but worth it!)

I have been dying to make quinoa salad but unable to find quinoa locally. When I went to the farm yesterday I was so excited about my herbs that I forgot to ask about quinoa. I had a box mix of quinoa (sort of like quinoa-a-roni) so I made it... chilled it... added lentils, olive oil, fresh tomatoes, cucumber... we'll see how that turns out.

Right now I'm cooking rosemary roasted potatoes and cauliflower to go with broiled tuna for dinner.

I have a headache, probably because of the heat.

Mama brought me the Atlanta newspaper and I'm so excited to curl up and read it!

Big Brother and The Next Food Network Star are both on tonight. Good tv night for me.

I added lime juice and fresh basil to my ice water today and it's really, really good!

Our picnic spot was beautiful... today was a bit hot for me to be out in it, though, makes it hard to breathe. I had a fabulous picnic spread... I was really proud of it.

Gonna go check my stuff in the oven... happy Sunday, y'all!

weigh in and a fabulous farm visit

I lost 1lb this week for a total six week weight loss of 10.6lbs! I'm so happy! I got my 2nd 5lb star! And this is what I ate to celebrate... flax bread with 1 sliced orange tomato, fresh basil, fresh mozzarella, olive oil, salt and pepper... sooooo good!

This is where I got my basil... LoganBerry Heritage Farm, north of Cleveland. Can you believe I live in a place that's so beautiful? And that I'm lucky enough to shop at sweet little farm markets? Here's the view from the farm...

Some of the farm treasures... I bought pattypan squash yesterday so I didn't buy any here... but aren't they cool looking? I think they look like spaceships. I cook them just like any squash...

The very best thing about LoganBerry farms was the fresh herbs. See how they have just one little sprig of each set out? I thought... at first... this must mean they don't have much inventory. What I found out... when I started filling my basket... was that they only cut what they need... so when I took the last of the basil, they walked over the the garden to get a new bunch to replace what I had taken. That's about as fresh as it comes, people!

They sell fresh organic veggies and herbs... free range chicken that they butcher themselves... homemade goodies such as jalapeno jelly, chicken salad and such and the fun part is that they have samples set out for you to try....

What I love about living here is that anywhere I go, I run into s0meone I know. This is one of my clients, Philip. He works at the farm. He greeted me with an enthusiastic hug and helped me find exactly what I was looking for. I bought two kinds of fresh basil, catnip, oregano and a long asian cucumber. My total was $9.27. They have an "herb of the week" and have handouts about the herb and what it's good for... how to use it... it was really informative and I just love that type of holistic stuff.

This shows the view from under the little porch where the market is located. Fresh air, bright sunshine, locally grown, organic, fresh produce and herbs... makes a girl very happy. They had some pesto - basil, olive oil, pine nuts, parmesan - it was so good that I squealed after I took a bite! It was $6 for a little tub, though, so I held off on that one for now... but it was the best thing I've eaten in a very long time.

This nice lady gives cooking demonstrations. Today she was doing chard and fried okra. I abstained from both due to the calorie content but they smelled awesome.

I'm about to head out to the bakery to pick up some cheese bread and deli meat for Austin. Loving my little corner of the sky right now!

saturday morning

I'm working on a special post about a special day for a special person in my life. That will go up later. Right now I'm just in major chill mode... enjoying Rachael Ray's old $40 a day shows on the Travel Channel. I don't necessarily believe she's really doing it on $40 but I love her perspective of travel.

My kitties are super happy right now because they're fed and there's a pile of laundry, fresh out of the dryer on my bed that they can enjoy. You can tell they're in a moment of pure bliss. Clean laundry makes me happy too... putting away clean laundry - not so much.

Austin came back from Myrtle Beach yesterday. I picked him up at the church and thanks to Stasha's excellent tip, I arrived JUST AS the bus pulled into the parking lot. Perfect! Austin was tired, a little sunburned and excited to tell me about his trip. The guy who was their chaperone is one of those people who lived a little before they found the Lord and before he settled down. He's tattooed, unflappable, mature and really kind. Austin said he was his "second father". High praise, indeed. He also said that Pastor Jamie's sermon on Wednesday night was the best sermon he has ever heard. He was mesmerized... told me it hit him right in the heart. I was so impressed. Lots of good people are involved with our kids... we're blessed.

Weigh in is in about an hour. I am fairly sure I'm going to hit my ten pound mark today... and could possibly hit the 5% goal as well. Maybe. I'm roughly a pound less on my terribly unreliable scale this morning. I'm not as bloated as I was last week. I think it's going to be happy days at the scale for me.

My Nutrition Coach (aka my brother's girlfriend aka my sister-out-law, Candice) and I were talking about the weight stall that I had last week. We researched the point vs. calorie perspective and realized that at my average of 22 points per day, I'm really only eating about 1100 calories a day and that is NOT enough for healthy weight loss. I'm supposed to have 25 points a day plus an extra 35 points spread out over the week for an average of about 30 points a day. It's quite possible that I'm hampering my metabolism... so I'm going to bump it up a bit this week point wise... and see what happens on the scale. I haven't been hungry but I could definitely stand some extra protein and I think I need a little extra *healthy oil* because my skin is really dry. For me to lose 1 pound a week I should be consuming about 1500 calories a day, if I don't exercise... about 1600 calories a day if I do.

I'm planning to go to my weight watchers meeting this morning and then maybe check out a local farm. I hear they have some excellent quinoa salad - something I've been wanting to make for myself. I'm in search of basil... haven't been able to find any over the past week at the local grocery stores. I should just plant some... if I could grow things. We're going on that picnic after church tomorrow and I thought my chickpea caprese salad would hold up really well in the heat since it's olive oil based. I found some beautiful orange tomatoes yesterday at a farm market and I think they'd go really well in a caprese salad...a mixture of red and orange tomatoes with some fresh green basil... wouldn't that be pretty? I live on my cold salads... they're so easy to pack for lunch! I'd also like to try the orange tomatoes in my taboule... give it a little extra dimension.

Last night for dinner I broiled green and orange tomatoes, broccoli and zucchini... drizzled in olive oil... sprinkled with parmesan... it was really, really good!

My parents are coming up tomorrow and hopefully will want to join us for our picnic... they're bringing me a food processor and I'm excited about the prospect of making some of my mushed bean loaf or mushed bean burgers... which will help me amp up the protein AND save a little money this week (beans are cheap!). I shopped smart last weekend and still have some good, fresh produce in the fridge... frozen fish... so I won't have to put a whole lot out on groceries this week.

I've still got another nine days until payday and... the next pay period coming up is going to be really tight. I guess I say that every time... but when I look at the things that absolutely have to be paid over the next pay period and I calculate what my paycheck will probably be... the numbers don't quite work out. Not eating out has made a huge difference, though.

Ok... that reminds me... I need to make sure there's enough in the budget to handle my weight watchers monthly fee. I think it comes out on the 28th. I'll post my special entry later... and come back with my weigh in results. Happy Saturday!

free thought friday

Shirley Sherrod is getting on my nerves. Her little "misunderstood" anecdote that brought so much controversy and Fox News hate... outlines her initial intention as a government official to discriminate against a white farmer because of her life experiences that left her with some racial prejudices. Um... ok... great, she saw the error of her ways in time to help the poor white guy... but... you know, I've never had any inclination toward discrimination against a client based on race. On attitude... maybe... but every race gets the same *excellent* customer service from me. I didn't have to learn my lesson. I never learned prejudice. Isn't that the REAL story? Where are the REAL racists?

Atlanta news channels are leading with a story this morning about a shooting at a Little Ceasars restaurant in Demorest... less than a 1/2 mile from my office.... in the same shopping center where I have lunch (in the shadow of the walmart sign) a couple of times a week. I know that crime is everywhere but it's rare here. I mean... we live without Chickfila, we should have some perks like... no crime.

I woke up with a headache. I've been consuming less caffeine since my coffee pot has been on the blink. It only releases a tablespoon or so of coffee at a time. I patiently worked at it until I was able to get about six ounces today. It's helping. Headache is fading.

My Doodle-Bug comes home today! He called yesterday... placing his order for what items he wants at his disposal upon his return. *eyeroll* He's having fun. He got a little sunburned. If he's caused trouble or gotten into trouble, I haven't heard of it yet.

Tomorrow is weigh in. I'm not seeing any change on my rag tag scale, really but I'm wondering if it's working. My wish list officially includes a new scale and a new coffee pot. Oh, and a food processor because that cheap one I bought has tanked on me.

I am, however, noticing some change in that middle buddha tier of belly... there's actually an indention between the top tier and the hip tier... I'm finding a waist and I'm very excited because a waist is a terrible thing to waste! Hey... that would make a good status update!

I'm going to commit to one full year of Weight Watchers... on plan, full pay, tracking, doing the whole program. This means my family might not get much in the way of Christmas gifts this year... a healthy Heather will be your gift... but I'm going to put my full efforts into it - regardless of the results at the scale. Because I believe... even if it's slow going on the scale, there is absolutely no way I can seriously work the plan for a year and not come out healthier on the other end. One year means a $480 price tag. It's not cheap. But I'm really REALLY saving so much money just by not eating out, especially for lunch. At a minimum of $5 a day for lunch, usually more, I'm saving a hundred dollars a month!

So... with that commitment... yes, it's a bummer if the scale doesn't give me the reward I want... my results should match my efforts... but I'm still going to stay the course for a full year.

Very excited to have a picnic planned for after church on Sunday with some of my girls... Cyndi, Angie, Alisa, Natalie... and whoever else wants to join us. I'll probably try to take my red headed babes if they're free. Austin has already opted out, which is fine.

Wish I could pick up one of those cool picnic baskets like my New York family is going to enjoy in Central Park tomorrow.... I'll just have to put together my own, very cool picnic basket. I'm leaning toward hummus, that chickpea caprese salad that I love, some fruit... things that aren't scary volatile in the heat... because it's hot here. Really hot.

Ok... time to get some game time in before glam time. Hope you all have a great Friday and an awesome weekend... love and hugs, y'all!

day 40... there was sugar...

I've completed 40 full days of weight watchers... and for almost all of those days i avoided any sweet treats. But last night, I will admit to having one tiny sliver of kahlua cake... the tiniest of slices... you could almost see thru it... and it was awesome!

Last night I went to my friend Alisa's house for dinner. She lives on this sprawling piece of property in the valley with breathtaking mountain views. She has chickens and goats and a horse. She homeschools and cooks organic and knows how to shoot a gun - and frequently has to shoot at bears and coyotes and other natural predators in her corner of the world.

They're building their dream home on their property so I got to tour the house under construction. There's a beautiful wrap around porch with an amazing view. I'd spend my whole time out there! I went with her to the goat pen and got to visit with the girl goats... new experience for me. They're sort of like big dogs with horns.

There were four of us... my usual "hen party" girls from Wednesday night. We worked together to make dinner... pasta with chicken and fresh veggies... green tomatoes, pattypan squash, yellow and green zucchini, peppers, onions... fresh corn just off the cob... grape salad mixed with yogurt and lowfat cream cheese... and the aforementioned kahlua cake. It was an awesome dinner and really weight watchers friendly.

I went over my daily points for only the second time on weight watchers... but I just used a few of my flex points (which I never use and they are totally allowable and considered part of the plan) ... and enjoyed the moment. I ate within reason on the higher point things - the grapes and the cake - but I filled up on the veggies. I brought home leftover veggies to add to my own cooked pasta that I had in the fridge... that's what I had for breakfast this morning!

It's been a long week and I've got a serious case of the draggy butts this morning. Gotta get my glam on and get to the office... hope you all have an awesome Thursday!

five minute entry

Just a few minutes before I must dash... I'm glammed and ready to go. Lunch and snack is packed. Just have to toss some ice into my trusty sonic cup and head out the door...

Today is day 40 on weight watchers. It has been so much easier this time around. I think my eating habits have evolved to such a degree that eating healthy was already second nature. It was just a matter of eliminating treats and ... honestly... I haven't missed anything. Not even gravy biscuits at Glenda's.

Sometimes I think that I'll reward myself with a gravy biscuit at this goal or that goal... but I just want to break the mindset of food being a reward. Food is not comfort, it's not reward, it's not a catalyst for social interaction. It's just fuel. I have to keep it in it's proper perspective. Most people who have addictions are able to break those addictions by going cold turkey. You can't quit food. SO I have to change the food addictions that are unhealthy.

so far, so good.

We've been shorthanded by two people most of the week... so 40% of our work staff... but fortunately (or unfortunately from a commission standpoint) it's been slow. The main impact on me is that I'm not able to market as much when we're so shorthanded so it keeps me from earning extra cha-ching.

Tonight I'm gathering with the ladies from my Wednesday night bible study at the home of our fearless leader since most of us have kids who are out of town on the mission trip to Myrtle Beach.

FUnny story... Austin always teases Jamie by calling her "apple jacks" since her initials are a.j. - amanda james. She figured out his initials are a.s so she's been calling him apple sauce. Quite creative!

time to dash... love and hugs and happy thoughts, y'all!

Posting this here because I want to try it and don't want to lose the recipe...

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup cooked bulgur (to cook: soak bulgur in 1 cup boiling water for about 20 minutes)
1 cup dried black beans, drained
1 cup dried kidney beans, drained (save this liquid from reconstituted beans)
1 cup cooked whole corn kernels
1/2 cup green onions, chopped into 1/4-inch pieces
1 red bell pepper, chopped into 1/4-inch pieces
1 cup cucumber, chopped into 1/4-inch pieces
1 cup plum tomatoes, chopped into 1/4-inch pieces Dressing:
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tsp chili powder
Sea salt to taste
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
1/4 tsp ground black pepper
1/2 cup liquid from kidney beans (or use olive oil to taste)
INSTRUCTIONS:
In a large bowl, combine cooked bulgur, beans and chopped vegetables. Mix well.
To make dressing: In a small bowl, whisk together vinegar, garlic, chili powder, salt, red pepper flakes and black pepper. Whisk in ½-cup reserved kidney bean liquid (or olive oil, to taste) and pour over salad and toss well. Allow salad to sit in refrigerator for 1 hour to allow flavors to blend before serving.
NUTRIENTS per 3/4-cup serving:
Calories: 100
Total Fat: 0.5 g
Sat. Fat: 0 g
Carbs: 19 g
Fiber: 5 g
Sugars: 3 g
Protein: 5 g
Sodium: 190 mg
Cholesterol: 0 mg

terrific tuesday. i hope.

You know what's weird? I weigh exactly what I did a year ago.
My goal - to weigh considerably less by this time next year.
I'm meeting my friend Natalie after work to walk. She's super thin and healthy but also a great encourager for me.
Tomorrow I'm hanging with my hen party girls, I think.
Staying happily busy this week.
Didn't sleep well last night - was up from 3am - 5am and then finally fell back asleep for an hour.
I had a splinter in my foot. Not sure how that happened in MY SLEEP... but... by the time I extracted it, I was awake.
Also had a bit of a sore throat... which is weird... I was sort of hoarse yesterday. Hope this doesn't mean I'm getting sick.
Did I mention my eye doctor visit? I have great vision insurance, praise God for that. The visit and the glasses - and I bought the absolute cheapest frames in the whole place - was $410. I paid $14.
I'm nearsighted. This is not new. I haven't had any glasses for awhile and it's hard to drive at night... hard to see movies... etc. I figured since I'm only wearing my glasses in the dark, they can be ugly.
and... I'm cheap that way. Or... broke that way.
The eye doctor was one of those in tight with the pharmaceutical industry, I could tell. He was pushing eye drops on me, although I only mentioned I have occasional allergy issues. He said that I was risking damage to my eyes by letting them get inflamed. I said, "I never said that my eyes get inflamed..."
Also said that he could tell by the blood vessels in my eyes that my blood pressure had - at times - been out of control.
So... thirty years from now when I'm going blind, we'll blame he who doesn't deserve to be named.
Jerkwad has impacted me in ways that I'll be discovering for years to come, I'm sure.
I forgot to vote this morning in the state primary.
but I remembered my workout clothes and shoes.
Made that edamame salad finally... here's the recipe... I made it up...
2 cups thawed shelled edamame (soybeans)
1 cup canned RINSED black beans (to lower sodium content)
2 cups assorted mixed veggies - I used red onion, purple (red) cabbage, red and orange peppers - but I think corn would also be good in this
1/4 olive oil
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
Mix together and... that's it. It worked out to about 2 weight watcher points per 1/2 cup serving.
I put mine in a pita pocket for lunch.
I fancy myself to be quite the salad chef. Chop and mix... those are my strong suits.
That edamame salad was really pretty ... lots of deep colors with the purples and black beans and bright green edamame.
Our focus in WW this week is in eating colors... easy for me because I always focus on that.
For breakfast I had whole wheat rotini with the homemade marinara sauce I made on Sunday.

Maybe not a traditional breakfast but... that's the way I work.

So that's a red and orange. (and a whole grain)
Lunch will include red, orange, green, purple, black in the salad. Also having fresh mozzarella with roasted red pepper... more red... and then an orange on the side.
Snack is green grapes.
Dinner is undecided. I thawed a piece of tilapia. All of my fish is individually wrapped in the freezer so I can just pull one out a day.
I broiled an orange roughy filet last night - my first - and was really surprised at how buttery it tastes. I didn't put any oil on it... just some seasoning. I was afraid I wouldn't like it because it smelled stronger than tilapia... but it was very good.
I think it's time to retire the Keurig k-cup coffee maker. It just won't work with my individual coffee baskets any more and I *REFUSE* to buy the expensive prepackaged ones.
Austin said, "that's just one more thing HE brought into the house that we can get rid of"
I think the last things to go will be my big tv in my bedroom and... I guess that's it.
Oh... the Wii. Which... has spent the summer at Austin's friend's house.
No word from Austin yet but I did get a text from Stasha.
Remember how I had prodded the girls to remind Austin about sunscreen? Well... they get to CHURCH and Jamie goes to Auggie and says, "are you wearing sunscreen?" At church. I should have been more specific. forget how literal they are.
Ok... time to get this work day started.
Happy, happy, joy, joy.
Love and hugs.

monday morning depression session

I didn't mention this at the time... mainly because I wanted to forget.... but I cried the whole way home from church last week.

The truth is... I just feel so alone there. There are a lot of really nice people. They say "hello" and smile as they pass me in the hallway.

I get to sit with Jim and Angie every week... except... they are on stage for 2/3 of the service so until Stasha gets there.... I sit by myself. And we sit so far up that... few people venture past where I am sitting and those that do... smile and say hello as they pass me by.

There is no place so lonely as being in the middle of a crowd of people.

I take ownership. I mean, I've missed a lot of church, some of it by being sick and some of it... just not wanting to make the effort to connect with people. The more I miss, the more disconnected I feel when I go. And the more disconnected I feel, the less I want to go.

We truly have become a society that is ten miles wide and 1/2 inch deep. I feel that more at church than anywhere else.... the place that I should be building strong relationships.

And, of course, for me, the people I'm closest to are the people who are working the hardest in the church and are therefore busy with ministry and those sort of details and don't really have time to engage in conversation before or after church. I have a standing invitation for lunch out after church but... I don't like to eat out, a lot of times I can't afford to eat out... and when I go, it's a mass of people who are all deeply connected and I feel very much like an outsider. It's just another hour of me feeling like the odd man out.

SO.... last night... a girl I dearly love at church... posted a status update asking, "why do married women at church avoid the divorced women"... or something to that effect. In a moment of unbridled honesty, I admitted to leaving church in tears last week. People say, "I'm glad you're here" or "I've missed you"... and I wonder what they missed or why they're glad because other than that brief salutation... they don't say anything else before moving on to the next conversation. I made it all the way from one end of the church to my usual seat at the front of the sanctuary without a single person even noticing me... or saying anything. It was... sad.

We have a missions minded church. There are people who go to Africa... Thailand... Myrtle Beach... Nevada. We strongly support the Georgia Mountains Resort Ministry that reaches out to tourists in our area. I think sometimes we are so busy working out the great commission that we overlook the people right in front of us who are in need... whether it's financial or emotional or just to have someone to sit with in church.

I think that little facebook exchange will change things... it made me realize that I'm not the only one who feels alone... and it made me realize that there are people who want deeper relationships. I got a sweet message from someone at the church that I don't know... and a few other ladies have decided to be intentional about building friendships, not just acquaintances.

It's time for me to glam and dash... busy Monday ahead and I'm starting out teary and bleary eyed. Gotta put it together and get out and earn some money. Hugs, y'all.

what's new at my house...

Yesterday I realized that my bookshelf by my bedroom window is just the right height for a makeshift window seat for kitties. I cleared off the books (they're on the floor now... hoping that once my big brother is back from his month's worth of mission trips that he'll finally have time to fix my other - broken - bookshelf that he's been working on for me since May... but I digress...) and set two comfy pillows on the shelf and opened the blinds about six inches. I have two very happy kitties... the only problem... they refuse to co-exist on the window seat. They will curl up in a shoebox together like it's a california king sized bed but they can't share this 2' x 3' window seat. Go figure. At any rate... I'm glad that I was able to improve their quality of life so easily.

Now I need to replace those blinds in the living room window that Bitty Kitty has mangled trying to see outside. On the list...

I'm having an elimination day around here. Going to pack up some underused items for storage in the attic. I would go ahead and put them in the attic but most of the people who are aware of my welfare on a daily basis are out of pocket. If I fell from the attic I would linger for 24 hours at least before anyone noticed. In some ways, I like that independence. In other ways... that's kinda sad. Solitude has it's pros and cons.

Part two of elimination day is going to be cleaning out the pantry and getting some organization going there. Part 3 is that I've upped up the fiber to get my system back on track. I've been sorta of... irregular... since I consumed red meat on Friday night. Also took a water pill to get rid of some of the sponge-like bloat that my processed food consumption of last week brought on.

Why does my cat try to eat vaseline? Hairball?

Had some amped up ten grain cereal this morning. Let me just say... those who "can't afford to eat healthy"... I bought a bag of Bob's Red Mill 10 Grain Cereal MONTHS ago for $2.89. I've had at least a dozen breakfasts from it... probably more than that... and it's still half full. Austin's box of Lucky Charms last week was $4.20... and it was gone in a week. I took my ten grain cereal and added 1/4 cup of wheat bran to it... 1/4 cup of skim milk... 1/2 cup of blueberries. Best breakfast I've had since my happy frittata experiment a few weeks back.

I will admit to researching the points value of biscuits and gravy. I could accomodate the points... that's not an issue. I mean, ultimately, everything is permissable, in moderation. One gravy biscuit will not derail my weight loss efforts. However... white flour is a trigger food for me... that gravy biscuit will lead to other sins. I'll continue to abstain for now. It's about 10 points, btw. I get 25 a day.

Yesterday I had an awesome Kashi Mediterranean Pizza. Half of it, anyways, which was 9 points. It was a bit more indulgent than my usual meal value but... it satisfied any pizza cravings I might have had. I fixed a small green salad with arugula to go with it. I saved the other half of the pizza in two portions for later in the week. Again, though, this was higher sodium content than I wanted. Truly, I have got to get away from any prepared foods. I need to figure out how to make a decent low point pizza from scratch.

Today's experiment food is orange roughy. I don't believe I've ever had any... I'm sure I've never cooked any.

I'm also going to make some whole wheat pasta. I bought rotini. It was a good deal... if you bought pasta you got a dollar off of olive oil... (which was on sale) and if you bought olive oil you got a dollar off of whole wheat pasta. Win, win. I think I'll use half of it for a hot pasta dish... the other half for a pasta salad - which makes a great lunch.

I typically stick with some sort of cold salad for lunch with a side of fruit. My friend asked me yesterday if I include protein... and... other than grains or perhaps cheese, I don't really do much protein in my lunches. I'm going to look into that a bit and see if upping my midday protein helps. I usually do a protein snack in the afternoon - boiled egg or yogurt or cheese or almond butter.

I found a recipe for a new cold salad I want to try... edamame (soybeans), black beans, red onion... I've seen several versions of this same recipe. Some with corn and cilantro... most have the same dressing - red wine vinegar and olive oil. I've got to plug it into the recipe builder on the WW site and see how many points that works out to.

Yesterday I forgot to buy spinach and basil... two basics in my house... but I did buy:
purple cabbage
green cabbage
green grapes
blueberries
sweet potatoes
small white potatoes
green beans
acorn squash
arugula
tomatoes (although I think I have confirmed that they are causing GERD symptoms for me)
purple onion
oranges....
tilapia
orange roughy
salmon
fresh mozzarella
the aforementioned wheat bran...
onion pitas - I'm thinking I may try some of my summer salads in a pita pocket just for something different
flax bread

I finally remembered to buy multi-vitamins. This is one of the things on the WW daily checklist... lean protein, 5-9 servings of fruits and veggies, 8 glasses of liquid (not necessarily water), whole grains, milk products, healthy oil, activity... and multi-vitamin... which always makes me nauseous so I buy flintstones chewables... they don't make me sick. Don't judge.

SO that's my happy Sunday. Hope you're all safe, happy and enjoying your weekend. Love and hugs.

a weigh in epiphany

Weigh in today was a huge disappointment... I knew this morning when I first got on the scale that there was some extra weight *that had not been with me this week*... although I hadn't seen any major changes over the week. On the way to weigh (say that five times fast!) I was just praying, "PLEASE DON'T LET ME HAVE GAINED" because... I can be patient about the weight loss but it would break my heart to gain!

Well. I didn't gain. I lost... .2 pounds... which is like... a trip to the bathroom... but... we had a great meeting talking about plateaus and the way that weight comes off and how you really have to average your last four weigh ins before you consider yourself at a plateau and if you're losing less than a half pound a week... then it's a plateau.

I stayed on plan all week so... what went wrong? I'm blaming salt. I had a turkey sandwich at Subway on Wednesday and I had two frozen dinners this week... and my body just turns into a sponge when there's any salt around. I also had a small - slider size - burger last night and I just can't do red meat. I know this... and I knew when I was eating it that I was setting myself up for disaster... but... I also know that this is a marathon, not a sprint... and that there are times that I'm going to eat something outside of my usual pescatarian diet.

Pescatarians... btw... eat vegetables, eggs, dairy and fish but no poultry, pork, beef, etc. It seems to be what works best for me as far as keeping my appetite under control.

I also had more bread last week than I've had in any other week so far. This is obviously counter productive for me.

What I want to do is educate myself on what works for me and what doesn't. I think it's setting yourself up for failure to put any food on the "never again in my lifetime" list... but there are definitely foods that, for me, have to go on the "rarely" list. And this week I learned - the hard way - that salt and bread are on that "rarely" list for me.

SO... the meeting was great. There's a woman in our group who has lost over 170 pounds with Weight Watchers and has maintained for a year. It took her 2 years and 2 months to do it. That totally inspires me. It's a slow process, without a doubt. A part of me wishes I could afford gastric bypass or banding or some sort of aid... but honestly... I know that I'm strong enough and smart enough to do this without surgical intervention. So what if it takes me a year and a half to reach my goal... the time will pass anyways... I might as well allow the passing years to make me healthier and stronger, not fatter and sicker.

I guess, from that perspective, this weigh in WAS a success for me. I learned some important things about my body and settled in for the duration.

One great thing for me... a really sweet lady from our church has joined WW and we sat together and got to chat and encourage one another. I am glad to have someone to buddy up with. We share the same birthday... not the same year. Angie is in WW but she is lifetime and doesn't stay for the meetings often due to her schedule.

After my WW meeting, I went to the grocery store. I was sooo proud of my shopping cart! There was nothing unhealthy or processed in the whole cart... since Austin is out of town. I kept it under my budget for the week and... I'm gonna have lots of good things to eat.

My weekend plans are major vegetative action, other than food prep, a little cleaning and exercise. My goal this week is to add 30 minutes activity to what I did last week... last week I had two hours and five minutes of activity... so I'll go for two hours and 35 minutes this week.

Hope you have a great weekend! Love and hugs!

yeah, baby! it's friday!

Typed up a post before time to go on the clock and forgot to hit save… it’s been just hanging out there.
At any rate… it’s Friday, y’all!
I’m heading into a blissful weekend… not sure exactly what will be bliss but I figure if I approach it that way, surely it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Payday today which, sadly, always depresses me. There’s always that anxiety of whether it will be enough to make it thru to the next.
Thank Heavens my landlord is patient and my daddy helps me out and the kids’ dad has paid child support twice in a row. Never the right amount but still, thankful for something.
Short work day today for me as I’m going to the eye doctor for the first time in … oh… I guess it’s been about five years, maybe more. I have excellent vision coverage… pays for the exam, lenses and $120 toward frames. So I may have some jacked up, government issue looking glasses, but at least I’ll be able to drive at night without fear. And go to movies and plays and actually see what’s going on. I’m excited.
Then last minute Myrtle Beach shopping for Austin. He has to have new flipflops as he ruined his biking to Walmart earlier this week. He really needs a couple of pairs of shorts. He hasn’t wanted to wear shorts all summer because he thinks his legs are too hairy. @@ But he decided he needs them for the beach. And he needs sunscreen. I apparently left ours at the wedding venue after Cody and Marquee’s wedding. He has a few other items on his wish list but I don’t know that I can fulfill those wishes at this time. We’ll see. He still needs spending money.
They leave at 8am tomorrow. Weigh in at 9:45. WW meeting at 10am. Then… nothing on the agenda the rest of the weekend. I would dearly love to go see my friend Joey in a stage performance of Designing Women – all the main characters are played by men in drag and it’s received rave reviews. He plays Charlene and he’s gorgeous! If you want to see photos… google “Designing Women, Onstage Atlanta”. There are many problems with going down there… it’s in Atlanta and the only show with tickets remaining is at 10:30pm which means I would need an escort… and then I’m not really keen on driving home from the city in the middle of the night.
I haven’t seen any significant change in the scale this week which means… there may not be a loss this week. I’ve got my mind set that I will lose 5 pounds a month from here on out. I had a great start… great sprint there… but now I’m in the marathon part and I have to pace myself and be realistic with my expectations so that I don’t get disappointed. A loss of .6 pounds gets me to 10 pounds total and my second 5# star… 1.6 pounds gets me to my first 5%. I’d be happy meeting either of those goals. From here on out… any loss is a happy time. Not gearing for the 2 & 3 pound losses every week. Just… staying the course… and I have. No cheats yet and I’m on day 35!
Exercise yesterday was almost a bust… I had some serious sciatica pain going on… my right hip was so jacked up that I couldn’t sit or stand without cringing but… I thought… skipped it on Wednesday… Today’s agenda is action packed, might have trouble getting anything in… didn’t want to risk going three days in a row with no exercise so I bit the bullet and did it.
It may sound ridiculous but halfway through I ended up with a golf club in my hand… Austin was tormenting the cat with it and I took it away from him and then realized that it made a great prop for some pretend Rockette moves…. Like I had a tophat and cane! And it energized my workout, making up little routines… as if I was performing on stage… I mean, seriously, whatever it takes to keep me up and moving, right? It was great fun.
I’ve had an interesting proposition. A local theatre is doing the stage version of the Rocky Horror show… which I, many moons ago, helped costume and produce. I did a lot of behind the scenes stuff with that show in addition to being the “official lips of the Rocky Horror show” with my lip prints on the audience participation bags. Good times. One of my customers has been cast as Rocky… he told the director that I had a past affiliation with the show and they want me to think about costuming. It’s quite controversial up here in this very conservative part of the world… but it would be so much fun for me! There’s no pay involved… strictly community theatre… so it would be just for the love of theatre, the engagement in my community and for possible networking for clients. I gained a lot of clients working in theatre before and my agency was nowhere near where these people lived so doing theatre in the same community as my agency could be huge. Maybe.
Ryan is preparing for trips to Louisiana, Virginia and Texas in the next month. We’re hoping he may make it back home for a few days too. I miss my kids.So that’s the haps this happy Friday. More later!

thankful thursday - divorce edition

I’m in a bit of a philosophical mood today. Three years ago today, you see, I married the man who claimed to be my Prince Charming and turned out to be the worst sort of monster I’ve ever faced. I still, at times, am shocked to remember just how unkind he was, how rude, how hateful, how abusive and crass. I still shudder at the memories of things he said and did to me and my children. And I still, to this day, can’t believe my good fortune in escaping that horrible reality.

He celebrated our first anniversary by beginning an affair with one of his employees… which led to his firing a month later. His gift to me? Vanilla potpourri. I don’t even like vanilla.
I celebrated our second anniversary by having a complete meltdown at the office, having to take a day off (which I could ill afford) and gorging on bbq ribs and banana pudding to ease my pain. I gotta tell ya… they helped a little. I won't be doing that this year. I may not have the focus I need to have - apologies to my employer - but I'm able to work. I'm getting better.
Our divorce was final earlier this year… and so there is no third anniversary, praise God. I am single, free, independent, healthy, strong, wiser, peaceful…
And this, my friends, is Thankful Thursday – the divorce edition. Indulge me.

I’m thankful that I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not to satisfy the constantly changing whims of a mentally unstable narcissist.
I’m thankful that I can sing in the car now. I can wear my hair in a ponytail. I can wear open toed shoes if I want. I can wear sweats to dinner.
I can watch Big Brother, Ugly Betty or any of the other shows that he thought were beneath him.
I can sleep on top of the covers.
I can set the thermostat where I want/need it to be.
I can hang clothes any which way I please on the coat hanger without having to fear a “no wire hangers” tantrum from him because I hung a shirt facing “the wrong way”.
I don’t have to listen to the most unloving person in the world tell me I “don’t know what love is”… when the sad, tragic fact of his life is that HE never will know what love is.
I’m thankful that I’m not living with someone who is living a double life… hiding debt issues, medical issues, mental issues, tax evasion issues, clandestine affairs and God knows what else. My life is full of truth, honesty, openness, reality. No skeletons. No dirty secrets.
I’m thankful that I don’t have to live with someone so neurotic that they go into a panic attack when someone sneezes in their presence.
I’m thankful that I can be friends with whomever I choose, that I can blog about whatever I want, that I can go to bed as early – or late – as I want.
I’m thankful that my life is filled with people who are by nature Encouragers, not DIScouragers.
I can bring home leftovers.
I can eat an extra piece of bread at a restaurant if I want. Or a whole basket. It's my choice.
Interesting that a man who is so pro-choice that he would purposely drive by the abortion clinic to HECKLE the pro-lifers picketing... a pro-choice Catholic, at that... but he would not allow me to make any choice about my own body and what I put into it.
I can go to Weight Watchers.
I can take pictures while I’m in a moving vehicle (was totally NOT allowed to do this- I never figured out why).
I can go to Starbucks. Buy a Sunday paper (even if I don’t read the whole thing). I can spend more than $5 a day on “discretionary items”.
I can open all of the mail that comes to my home.
I can have precious kitty cats... instead of living with a man who swerves to intentionally run over them.
I can have internet.
I can have a home phone.
I can iron on the floor. We fought for three days about the fact that I iron on the floor… I mean… it may not be for everyone but they were my clothes, my iron… he was so upset with me for ironing on the floor that he slept in another room. It was ridiculous.
About as ridiculous as the time he spent 9 hours in our walk in closet “meditating” because he was upset with me for some imaginary wrong that I had committed.
My children are no longer called – the “n” word – because of their supposed poor work ethics. I’ll put my kids’ work habits up against his kids' ANY DAY.
I’m no longer called the n word. Or “pill popper” or any of the other derogatory terms he applied to me.
My kids no longer get slugged for passing gas or other imagined offenses.
My kids no longer have to clean up after his kids.
I can let the clean laundry pile up and fold it when I feel like it.
I don’t have to explain every single action I take… while living with someone who is not accountable to anyone.
I don’t ever get pushed into the bathroom by the scruff of the neck to see one lone little qtip that had fallen on the floor that I had not noticed nor picked up.
I don’t ever get pushed into the kitchen by the scruff of the neck to see a speck of broccoli that had lingered on the floor – reportedly for a week – without my noticing. It just seemed to me that the person who SAW the broccoli without picking it up might be more accountable than a person who didn’t know it was there. But that’s just me.
I’m thankful that I can see my nieces whenever I want now.
I can go to church without being mocked.
I can believe in the God I’ve known all of my life without being challenged or contradicted.
I’m not used or abused or afraid for my future.
I’m thankful that I can see clearly who he is and what he did to my family.
I’m thankful that I can see God’s hand thru it all. How He held me, protected me, provided for me and even saved my life.
I’m thankful that I was able to find a home, a safe haven, a community, a place where I belong.
I’m thankful that I don’t miss him, that I realize that the best thing that ever happened to me was escaping that prison.
I’m thankful that I’ve had the patience to wait – to not rush into another relationship to keep from being alone. I’m thankful that I can value being single and that I am no longer trying to define myself based on my significant other.
I’m enough, all by myself. I’m thankful that I know that now.
I don’t doubt that he or someone associated with him will read this and see bitterness. I write it from a spirit of victory. To realize how far you’ve come, you have to remember where you started. I don’t dwell on it often but I know. Trust me, I know where I come from… I know who I am and whose I am. I know that nothing he said was truth – there was no truth in him. I know that I live a life of truth. It may not be what I want it to be – yet – but it’s honest.
So this is, truly, a thankful Thursday for me.
Love and hugs, y’all.

10 minute random stream of consciousness

been nauseated and having a sharp pain under my left breast all week. have googled "upper left quadrant pain" a thousand times. it keeps leading me to pancreatitis but that also would mean i would be much, much sicker. i'm functional. uncomfortable but functional. also... pancreatitis usually comes from people who abuse alcohol... I drink the equivalent of 4 glasses of wine a year.
i don't know.
i could go to the doctor but it would be entirely out of pocket for the first 2500 bucks and i'm just not THaT uncomfortable where i want to blow 2 1/2 grand to find out i have indigestion. because you know theyd run every known test in the world on me. or prescripe a dozen meds and i just don't want to go there.
if it persists, i will.
anyways... still on plan, very much on plan both with food and exercise. so very proud of that.
eating well. loving what i eat.
i think mel gibson is another in a long line of narcissistic men who believe they can get away with anything. there's a special place in hell for these men. you know who you are.
there is never a reason to tell a woman you're going to hit her in the head with a bat. or tell her she's stupid. or ugly. or crazy. because I can promise you that even if she's NOT crazy, being told that repeatedly will make her act that way. and YOU just might end up on the wrong side of the bat.
nor is there any reason to put a woman out on the side of the highway in a remote area in the dark. and that's what happened to me. well. it would have... but the kids in the back of the car who were forced to witness my abuse put up such a fuss that i was allowed to stay in the car.
so many things i have never really talked about.
but these lying, cheating, narcissistic men who keep hitting the news bring it all back. i suppose it will always be that way.
i can forgive but the memories linger.
it was truly a loss of innocence for me... to realize that such meanness even exists in the world.
what makes a person so mean?
bristol palin is making a huge mistake. levi is not the kind of man you marry. he will hurt her. poor girl. she doesn't get it yet.
although he is quite a looker... i don't see him as a loving husband or father.
tomorrow would have been our 3rd anniversary.
thank God it isn't. thank God i'm free. i wish i'd never met him... but i'm glad i learned the things i did and was able to use that horrible nightmare as a way to wake up here.
running out of time.
glad to be alive. glad to be where i am. nauseated or not.
bitty kitty is practicing flushing the toilet. he's fascinated with the mechanism. this is not good. i see a high water bill in my future.
to match the high power bill since austin turned our house into a meat locker last night.
but at least he's been home and fairly complicit this week.
8am. must dash. hugs.

ten things about Monday

1. We didn't have staff meeting this morning which was nice. It's not that I don't like staff meetings.... they're ok... just too dang early... it's that it makes for a longer work day and if it were up to me, I'd have my Florida hours and Florida pay (which was about the same thing I make now... only there I only had to work 5 hours a day to make it) (and there was no state income tax) without my Florida drama.

2. I've been sick to my stomach all day. At times it's really - be still and stay cool - kind of nausea, like when you've had too much to drink (not that I'd... um.... know about that... of course) and at other times it's just a little naggravating (new word) like I need to drink a soda. So I'm drinking carbonated flavored sugar free water.

3. My scale is broken. I'm slightly panicked about that because there's no give in the budget for a new scale between now and August and I ABSOLUTELY MUST weigh every single day. It's my reality check. So... if anyone wants to donate an old scale... let me know. I promise to take REALLY good care of it.

4. Someone made $57 worth of fraudulent purchases on my debit card. I noticed them because I don't use my regular bank account for internet purchases and these were all internet purchases. I spent my nauseated lunch hour at the bank filling out the forms to have those funds reversed. It made me angry. Of course, I suspect one entitled little cell phoneless young man and I told the lady at the bank that was my fear... she said it's possible that he made one purchase under an unsecure site and it snowballed. That can happen. She encouraged my use of a walmart money card for anything that is done over the internet. Just. Argh!

5. My new facebook photo is of me and Purple Michael but it's cropped very attractively (I think)... the funny thing was that he started to message me to ask who the GUY was and if I was dating someone that he didn't know about. NOPE! Only gay guys and Barry in my life. And Barry isn't so much in my life... just on special occasions...

6. Sarabeth said something so incredibly precious and innocent and funny in the car yesterday and I can't for the life of me remember it! It's driving me crazy...

7. Austin wanted to bake cookies last night and needed an egg. I had boiled all the eggs and put them in the original carton. He cracked every. single. egg. trying to find one that wasn't boiled.

8. He was bummed that there was no junk food in the house so he ate grilled shrimp and sun dried tomato bread. OH HOW HE SUFFERS!

9. Austin leaves for Myrtle Beach on Saturday. I'm praying the fraudulent charges are put back into my account before then so I can give him some spending money for his trip. Last year I didn't have much to give him and he ran out of money. Of course, Jim and Angie are on the trip (and Jamie's leading it) so there's a safety net for him. The girls have been taught to ask him if he's wearing sunscreen. We've been practicing for weeks, "What do you say to Austin when you see him at the beach?" "ARE... YOU... WEARING... SUNSCREEN???" they answer in unison. He claims he never gets sunburned... just a little red.

10. Yesterday was so disjointed that I didn't get my exercise time in. I meant to do it while i was with the girls and I ended up not being there long since the flight ... and plans... were changed. When I got home I got busy doing other things and then Austin came home and then we were doing things and then... I fell asleep before 9pm. But that was about yesterday so let me think of one more thing about Monday...

11. I had more caprese salad for lunch.... 1 sliced tomato... fresh basil... one ounce of fresh mozzarella... 1/2 tablespoon olive oil... it was UH-mazing! Eating good is soooo easy!

Happy Monday.

Billy Bob, come home already!

I was determined to do the things I needed to do today. I went to church. I made a trip to the produce stand. I went to babysit Sarabeth and Jamie so their mom could go pick up their dad at the airport.
Man plans and God laughs.
The Kenya Missions team flight itinerary was to go from Nairobi to London, London to Chicago, Chicago to Atlanta. They were delayed leaving Nairobi which made the whole kit and kaboodle off kilter. Instead of arriving Atlanta mid-afternoon today... it will be late this evening. So instead of keeping the girls a few happy hours... making spaghetti for Jim "just the way he likes it"... and being there to greet my bubba when he makes it home... the girls will be tucked in their beds by "sissy" (Jessie - the college age girl who lives with them) and Jim will eat something at the airport, I imagine. Angie is really bummed. It makes me tired just thinking about all the time they've been traveling... and what a huge personal sacrifice it is to go to "deepest, darkest Africa".
I took the girls to Sonic for a milkshake... we listened to "the scary voice" on my Garmin... they just can't get enough of it.
They were excited about daddy coming home so they could hear some more "billy bob" stories. See... instead of boring the kids with "when I was your age" stories... Jim and Angie made up these two characters - Billy Bob and Tabertha - and they tell the girls stories about their childhoods using the Billy Bob and Tabertha characters in place of themselves. In the stories I'm "Billy Sue"... so I have a whole treasure trove of Billy Bob and Billy Sue stories that I share with the girls while we're in the car.
Since they were missing Billy Bob... I told them a few Billy Bob stories this afternoon. Maybe that will hold them for another day.
Funny thing happened at church today... the new youth pastor is Jamie Smith... he and my brother, Jim Gant will be taking the youth on a mission trip to Myrtle Beach - leaving on Saturday (not much turnaround time, huh?). Well... when one of our pastors was explaining to the congregation that they were leaving on Saturday he said, "Jamie Gant will be leading the youth mission trip"... combining both names... and ending up with my niece's name... which made everyone laugh... not because it was impossible, but because it was ENTIRELY possible for my five year old little drama queen to command a mission trip. In the car this afternoon Jamie was talking about it... giggling like crazy... and she decided she was going to be "Minister to the Little People" on the trip.
I can't believe how quickly this weekend went by. Another long work week looms ahead. I'm so grateful for my job... but so desperately in need of a break. Well... I'll get more vacation time next January... guess I'll keep my nose to the grindstone until then. Lord willing.
Gonna go make some taboule... think about dinner... get ready for Big Brother... since my big brother hasn't made it home yet.

results

I LOST 2.6 POUNDS THIS WEEK!!!

MY ONE MONTH TOTAL IS 9.4 POUNDS!!!

weighing in before the weigh in

It's about half an hour before weigh in. I love weigh in. It's like payday... where I get to see the results of my hard work.
and honestly, it hasn't been THAT hard. but the pay off is still nice.
I think i'll be down around 2 pounds today. My goal is to lose at least one pound a week so I'll be thrilled with a 2 pound loss.
It won't *quite* get me to that gold medal of ten pounds in a month but it's still a very respectable weight loss.
I have never. EVER. been this consistent with a diet. I'm very pleased with that.
today is day 29 and there have been no meltdowns, no crashes, no cravings, no pigouts...
it's just been very dignified and calculated and disciplined and calm... all those things you don't normally associate with my relationship with food.
it's like food and I have learned a new way to interact.
that makes me really happy.
and despite being really drained this week... i feel way better. i was drained because of lack of sleep, not because of lack of nutrition... and honestly... if i hadn't been eating so well, i probably would have crashed and burned and lost time from work.
that's the old way of life for me. there's a new sheriff in town and his name is "healthy". I like him a lot.
i even find myself dealing with stress in a much better way... stress like... you know, an unruly teenager.
last night i had the most delicious meal... broiled salmon with broiled sliced tomatoes... drizzled in olive oil... sprinkled with parmesan... it was incredible! the cost for that meal... around $5. can you imagine? same cost as a big mac and fries and it tasted soooo much better!
today will be lazy day for me after weigh in. i've got black beans in the crockpot. i'll probably clean out the fridge and do some food prep for the week. i'll workout... of course! other than that... naps and internet and tv...
tomorrow will be my day to get out among the 3-d people.
ok... time to glam and dash! wish me luck!

weekend countdown - short week edition

Heavens to Betsy this has been THE LONGEST short week ever! I am so sick of this week! I'm also more than a little cranky because I was kept up past my bedtime by three young men who have no daytime responsibilities so they were cooking... playing x-box... vacuuming... at midnight. Happy to know where my kid was... unhappy to have my precious sleep interrupted.

Consequently... today is a replay of Wednesday... headachey, draggy butt, exhaustion surrounding me like a thick blanket. Toss in some high 90's for temps and high humidity and I'm just a downright unhappy camper.

And. they. left. dirty dishes. in. my sink. ARGH! My perfectly clean sink.

Plans for this weekend include Weight Watchers tomorrow... I think I may be down two pounds officially, based on the happy scale reading this morning. My scale shows me down about ten pounds in the past month - which does help my grumpy mood to some degree. I'm taking great care today to make sure I don't consume any sodium or anything that has a tendency to take a long time to digest so I don't have any false bloat... I think that was my trouble last week. I had a huge - point friendly - but high in volume - dinner that I think was still with me. Oven fried flounder. It was awesome... but not the best "pre-weigh-in dinner".

Sunday I'll go to church. Really, I will. I promise. Because after church I will have the girls with me for the rest of the day so their mommy can go to Atlanta to pick up their daddy from the airport. After 24 LONG DAYS away, Bubba is finally coming home from Kenya! And because little girls don't much enjoy a long roundtrip airport ride and a wait for daddy to clear customs, etc... and because mommy and daddy deserve some uninterrupted confab on the way home.

Not sure what the girls and I will do. Jamie-gurl has been having some trouble with her allergies so I imagine it will depend on how she feels. I would like to see Despicable Me and I heard that it passed the Focus on the Family kid-friendly test so I think it would be ok. We'll see. We may just hang out at their house and play a few hours of Chutes and Ladders. Long as they don't cheat.

At any rate... the weeks are far too long, the weekends way too short... my housework is never done.... it's too hot outside... I'm chugging along with the weight loss but still frustrated at work... life is a mixture of good, bad and indifferent... but it's my life and I love it. Good and bad.

thankful thursday

My things I'm thankful for are bold.
I’ve been reading a lot about weight loss. Knowledge is power, you know?
I’m reading “You On A Diet” by Dr. Oz – it’s really helpful in understanding the physical processes involved in how your body uses food and how certain foods hinder weight loss – and not just from a high calorie standpoint.
I’m deeply interested in nutrition but not just from a weight loss standpoint. I want to know what I can eat that will make me feel as good as my 42 year old body can possibly feel.
I’ve learned a few things that seem to be helping… using turmeric, cinnamon, garlic to help with high blood pressure and inflammation. Using celery as a diuretic. The need for things with B vitamins to give me energy. High fiber to help me stay full longer. Avoiding foods (like chicken) with hormones that seem to stimulate my appetite. Avoiding sugar at all costs because it is the worst appetite trigger in the world for me. Avoiding empty calories.
It is entirely possible (although not recommended) to have a zero point Weight Watchers day because there are so many foods out there that are complete powerhouses of nutrition without packing any unnecessary calories.
I’m getting really good at satisfying my need to munch with things like grilled zucchini… roasted broccoli… pickled beets… broiled bananas or plantains.
It’s really, really easy. So, ridiculously easy.
I say that in sort of a judgmental way to myself and to others who may have given up the fight because it was just too hard.
It’s really not that hard.
Shop smart. Plan ahead. Learn your triggers. Stay ahead of hunger.
I haven’t felt great this week. Stressed out (see previous post on raising an ungrateful child). Tired. Dragging. Bored. Stagnant.
But I’m proud to say that I haven’t returned to my usual “woe is me” eating habits.
I’m in more of a “WHOA, is me” state of mind… acutely aware of how what I eat is affecting me.
Although I think I’m due for some very healthy dark chocolate. Maybe melted and drizzled over strawberries?
I’m getting to the point where I NEED exercise. I don’t just reluctantly do it. I need it. I didn’t yesterday (see previous post on migraine. Oh wait. I don’t think I wrote one because I had a migraine and couldn’t stand to look at the computer screen) and I feel soooo slow today. Also, I’m sure, in part to the migraine.
And… my headaches used to be so frequent and require strong medication. I’ll have you know that I didn’t take so much as an ibuprofen yesterday. I just went to sleep. I knew I was tired from not getting enough sleep the night before and… I woke up without a headache. I wonder how many of those prolonged headaches I used to have were from overmedicating, rebounding and never really catching up to a normal sleep cycle.
I truly feel like this year has brought me the best sleep of my life… since giving up ambien. Weird, huh?
Oh... and that last statement from the last post about the cat... he was doing his spastic rounds of the house and my nest just happened to be on the race course... he ran across my neck. Yes, my neck. Got a few little punctures but I'm ok. Until the cat scratch fever sets in, anyways. Little monster. He's such a brat... but soooo sweet. He didn't mean to hurt me... he circled back around to check on me.
I set off a fly bomb in the house this morning. We still have so durn many flies... I don't get it... I'm working so hard at keeping the kitchen clean. Cleaner even that it was under the Reign of Terror. Spotless. Never a dirty dish in the sink unless it got dirty in the middle of a dishwasher cycle. Flies are everywhere around here, I've noticed. Makes me feel like I'm on one of those Feed the Children commercials when I'm swatting flies off of my dinner... and trying to keep the cat out of it.
Austin went back to Zack's house for a few days. I'm really, very ok with that since he took his nasty little attitude with him. Zack's house isn't air-conditioned. Ours is air conditioned. Blissfully air conditioned.
Big Brother starts tonight! Yay!

and the week goes on...

*sigh*
thursday. for a short week, this one sure has been long.
i didn't exercise yesterday. it was too hot during lunch and by the time i left work i had a blinding migraine.
i didn't even play online much yesterday... and went to bed at 7:30. it really hurt.
but i slept 9 and a half hours and woke up feeling ok this morning.
although, honestly, i could sleep another couple of hours very easily.
got a bad case of the draggy butts.
my computer wasn't working yesterday... i was panicked. you know how i love my laptop!
i took it by a little local store after work and it took five minutes and the guy got it working.
no charge.
i love small towns.
it was an issue with the battery. he said it's common with hp's. he showed me how to fix it.
expecting crazy hot weather today - it was 100 as i came through town. supposed to be hotter today.
thank God for a/c.
my coffee pot is still giving me a hard time. gonna swing thru mcdonalds for some coffee. only coffee.
the cat just ran across me and scratched me up... gonna go fix myself up and get ready for work.
ugh.

Whiny Wednesday - the parenting a teenager edition

Man, I think I’ve got troubles… but look at poor Lindsay Lohan.
Or not.
Maybe her troubles are troubles she brought upon herself.
Ok. Mine too. But still…
Is it only Wednesday? I’m feeling exhausted and old today. And sore… apparently I really do have abs underneath that fat suit I’ve been wearing. Ouch.
No pilates for me today – walking only.
My computer crapped out on me this morning. Hoping it was a temporary fluke… and not a permanent problem since I’m hooked on the weight watchers online deal.
Austin was a BRAT last night. He totally threw a tantrum in Walmart because I wouldn’t buy him a cellphone. He stood there stomping his feet and saying, “I’ll never get a phone” and some other things I tuned out. He melts down every time I talk about moving to a cheaper place but doesn’t want to make the sacrifices we have to make to stay where we are. I UNLEASHED on him last night about his lack of compassion and sensitivity to how hard I struggle to keep it all together while all he does is make more and more greedy demands. Never satisfied. Yes, I understand other kids have cellphones. Other kids have parents who either still live together or whose father pays child support like they’re supposed to. My little bit I get here and there that is a fraction of what the court ordered – and I requested the minimum from the court – doesn’t pay for those kind of luxuries.
I mean… seriously… I have a pay as you go phone that I put about $15 on once every couple of months so that I have it in case of an emergency. Why does he deserve more… when he is home all day long by a landline… than what I have? I don’t get it.
When I was his age I had to stretch the kitchen phone cord as far as it would go out on the porch or into my room so that I could have privacy from my four brothers to talk on the phone.
What’s the matter with kids these days?
So anyways… while we were in Walmart I bought a small food processor because I’ve been hand chopping all the various produce items that I’m eating… this little deal was $10, a great investment for me, considering I’m chopping something or other every single day and… he had another meltdown because I could afford $10 for a food processor but not the $50 it was going to cost to get him a phone.
It was his responsibility – his chore – to unload the groceries and put them away – and when I went to get something out of the fridge he had put the water bottles all over the place – thrown in randomly – so that when you opened the door they rolled out everywhere – they were on top of things like tomatoes and yogurt – ripped open a container of yogurt. It was a mess. I made him redo it which infuriated him.
Then I discovered that – although I had asked a half dozen times if he had dishes in his room and he swore that he didn’t – he did. I asked him to put them in the dishwasher and… nope. Never happened.
The final straw for me… this morning when I got ready to leave for work *someone* had spit onto every single car window. Big old juicy spit wads. Every window. I didn’t have time to wash the windows before I left for work… and couldn’t be late to work because we have two people out again today. Again. So I’m driving to work trying to peer thru the nastiness on my windows. It made me cry, honestly.
As I told Austin last night… I have spent the past two years recovering from the abuse that the Devil put me through. I have worked far too hard to reinvent a happy, healthy, stable life for myself to have to worry about whether or not some ungrateful brat has all the luxuries in life that he thinks he’s entitled to – but is unwilling to work for.
On top of that… having to hide silverware to make sure I have a fork to eat with because he lets dishes pile up in his room. And a thousand other little aggravations and injustices he puts me through... discovering that the case of bottled water I bought has been devoured in a day and a half… waking up every morning to some new kind of mess in the house… chores not done until the 3rd or 4th request but his expectation that allowance should be paid in advance of any effort on his part. Somebody needs to do an intervention with him… make him understand that it’s just not ok to treat his mother that way…. But I don’t really have any backup where that’s concerned. His father certainly doesn’t care. He never has supported me with any of the kids and their behavioral issues. In fact, he usually contradicts me or offers them a path of least resistance. And honestly… he CAN HAVE HIM.
So I’m in a foul temper. And we’re two people short today. HOWEVER… there is a huge victory in all of that… when we got home and I was hoarse from yelling at him and shaking from the stress of it and really wanted to sink into a hot fudge sundae OR ANYTHING sweet… I didn’t. I didn’t snack at all. I didn’t comfort myself with food!
And… to be honest… yesterday afternoon was stressful too… at work, not with Austin. I had a flood quote to do, a homeowners quote to do, two auto insurance policies to write and it was the last hour of the day – the time of day when I have to count money – and the first day back from a holiday, that’s a bigger job than usual. And our receptionist took her lunch that last hour – so I had to deal with all the last minute traffic as well. I ended up leaving the office a few minutes late and was so frustrated, stressed, exhausted… but I STILL CAME HOME AND WORKED OUT! My legs were hurting and I was tired and sooo over it but I still did a “two point” workout.
Life is good. I’m really ok. Austin needs an attitude adjustment in a bad way and it’s really just part and parcel of raising a teenager – especially an Aspergers teenager – on my own. And I will get my revenge. Trust me. *evil laugh*
I didn’t sleep well last night (go figure) and it’s been a rough day so far but I have hope… and I will, come hell or high water, leave early today as scheduled because I need it. I need a good long walk.
Happy Whiny Wednesday, y’all.