i love this quote...

We know that this is where God has called us and we know everyone has their own calling and place in life. You're always going to have the negative naysayers and you're not going to please everyone. You please God and you seek to do what he's called you to do and you will have peace. When there are criticisms, you listen and you take that through the grid of God's words and ask if there's something you can learn from them.

This was in an interview of Michelle Duggar... answering how they respond to their critics. I thought it was incredibly wise. I know a lot of people think the Duggars are nuts for their decision to have so many kids... and I know their lifestyle is unpopular. I watch them and I respect them because they are so kind and non-judgemental of the people who judge them. There's a lot to be learned in how they work together as a family and how they interact in their world.

there's a way...

i can get my car back with $600
i have it... it's meant for rent... but i have it.
the good news is i can probably get my car.
the bad news is i may be looking for a new place to live.
i'm still trusting.
i know there's a way.
with the $600 payment, it may be monday before i have a car so i'll have to find a way to work tomorrow.
and i really need to work tomorrow.
but...
i'm still trusting.
at least my hair is cute.

when i am afraid i will trust in you

well, i slept last night.
a few hours anyways.
there will be no capitalization on this entry because i don't feel like it.
the shift key has been missing for months and it takes too much concentration to connect with the remaining little rubber knob.
gosh. i feel like such a loser.
my head is killing me.
i've cried so much i look asian.
it's just a car. just a stupid, stupid car.
you know how they say in survivor that fire means life in that game?
in the mountains, where everything is so far apart and there's no public transportation... cars mean life.
i didn't start driving when i was 16.
my parents didn't really have a car for me to practice on. my mother didn't drive at that time. i was scared. i don't know... i just didn't drive.
it was only when i was much older... around 28 or so... that i actually started driving.
for so many years i had to depend on my family and friends to get me where i needed to go.
it was inconvenient. it was frustrating. but the fear was in charge.
and then one day... my friend rachel's little girl got sick at school and rachel didn't have a car. she was going to walk the mile to my house to borrow my car to get her daughter. i thought about that sweet little rebecca sitting at school throwing up during all the time it was going to take her mama to walk to my house... and i said, "no.... I can drive"... and i did.
and from that day on i ventured a little further and a little further with my three boys in tow.
at first i would only drive to the ballfield.
and only to church.
both were less than two miles away.
and to the little swimming pond down the street where we'd pack a gallon of koolaid and a loaf of bread worth of pb&j sandwiches... buy a few cucumbers at the garden stand... and spend the day getting sunburned.
and gradually my circle expanded.
i gained confidence.
the need to travel further grew.
my marriage fell apart.
their dad stopped coming home.
i had to do what i had to do and i did.
it changed my life, both good and bad.
i was so scared to drive on the interstates in atlanta but cody had ballgames in distant parts of the city... so we'd load up the car and i'd have the kids help me merge by telling me when it was clear.
it's what i had.
but i always had a car.
and now i don't.
and i trust God. i do. completely.
i asked him the other day to put me in the place He wants me to be. to remove all the "me" from the picture. to move me from the stagnant place i've settled into.
i asked him to not let me sit, soak and sour.
ultimately... i was walking a tightrope with complacency.
i've lived behind the 8ball for so long that i stopped letting it stress me out.
to the point of doing nothing, even in a time of urgency.
i had the money and could have made ONE payment since i got paid on monday and this would not have happened.
but i didn't and it did and all i can do is move forwardin the light of this current reality.
i called my brother jim last night as they pulled the car away. he's a pastor and psychologist and generally unflappable.
his role in this life, i'm convinced, is to calm the crazed women in his life.
he said there would be a solution. he sounded confident. he said "we can't do anything until you talk to the bank in the morning"... and he said, "don't lose sleep over it"
and then he got his wife, my sister in law, to call.
i'm convinced that God made me the only girl in a house full of boys because growing up, i was about all the "girl" one house could handle.
and i'm convinced that God, in His wisdom, knew that the older i got, the more i would need sisters.
and He gave them to me.
we talked for a long time.
me and bubba had talked about the facts.
me and angie talked about the feelings.
i played out all the "what ifs" and worst case scenarios all night.
i'm exhausted.
i don't know what today will hold. i don't know what the answer is. i don't know if i'll end up losing everything i've pieced together in the past 18 months since the last time i lost everything.
i just don't know.
this is the verse that i turned straight to this morning:

when i am afraid i will trust in you.
psalm 56:3

Transparency.

Transparency. It's why you guys read my blog, isn't it? Ultimately... being able to know the whole story is ... whatever it is. Entertaining, maybe. Interesting, I guess. Maybe it makes you feel like your life isn't so bad after all. Maybe it gives you hope. Maybe you read just to see what crazy messes I've gotten myself into now.

My car just got repossessed.

I didn't have to blog about it. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I don't know how I'll get to work tomorrow or the next day or the next day. I don't know how I'll get to the grocery store or church or... wherever or whatever. I don't know.

But God does. And I think... if I do nothing else right... it's that life of transparency that gives me credibility. It's sharing these ridiculous bottom of the pit experiences that make my top of the mountain stories that much sweeter.

I'm ok. I'm worried. Really worried... about how to solve this. I suspect that I'll probably have to pay the loan off to redeem the car... it's about six payments plus fees and penalties, etc. Around $2,000. I don't have that kind of money. Obviously.

My credit is horrible and my bank account is pitiful and I'm so tired of being broke. So tired. I catch one thing up at the expense of falling behind on something else. This wasn't what I signed up for. There is a lot of blame to go around... lots of people who put me here but ultimately, I have to figure out a way out.

I'm not depressed. I'm not about to jump off a bridge. Don't worry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. Tired. I want to just go live in a cave somewhere. As long as that cave has internet.

So that's the story. I'll let you know what I figure out... I'm having to take the day off of work tomorrow because.... well... I have no way to get there. And because I have a lot of calls to make. A lot of figuring to do. And praying.

To be continued.

wacky wednesday

I think this week we’ll have Wacky Wednesday instead of Whiny Wednesday. I hope that’s ok with y’all. I know how y’all love my whining.
We got a new door chime for our office. It was very exciting. We thought we got an awesome deal and then D found it on amazon.com for less than half the price we were charged.
I took photos of three different houses this morning for work… made me feel like a real photographer. I could SOOOO do that for a living!
I got my hair cut today – back to the length it was last October. I’m a little uneasy about how I’ll make it through a high humidity summer with my curly (frizzy) hair so short but today it’s cutie-patootie.
I bought a new straightening iron yesterday and I don’t like it. It came in that clear plastic packaging that you have to annihilate to extract the product out. My hair dresser said “take it back anyways!”
Love my hair dresser.
I mentioned that Candice was thinking about getting her hair done for the wedding… she said, “tell her to wear a hat. It’s the south.”
There you go. Professional opinion.
I am looking for a hat for myself.
I keep touching my hair. I love the way it feels when it’s first cut.
The latest reports on Elvis’ death indicate that he may have died from constipation.
There was a girl in the hospital with me who had a horrible case of constipation… she looked 7 months pregnant. I loaned her my clothes because hers were too tight. I wasn’t exactly styling while I was in there and I didn’t exactly care. Plus, if your husband is so callous as to cause you to end up in a psych ward, he’s probably not going to put much effort into packing your luggage. I’m just saying. Sent me in there with no conditioner. In Jacksonville. In September. With my curly hair.
Kendra Wilkinson has a sex tape out. Imagine that. I love Kendra… I think her show is hilarious. She’s so unpretentious. Her and Hank are cute together. I’m not surprised she has a sex tape, though. I mean… her claim to fame is having been one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends.
Isn’t he just a sad little old man? I think he stopped being suave about 30 years ago.
I don’t think having a whole gaggle of girls makes a man look sexy anyways. It makes him look pathetic. Show me a man who knows how to make a commitment and keep it… THAT’s attractive!
Austin went to church with his friends last night. They talked about Jonah and the whale. Austin was surprised to learn that the bible never calls it a whale.
Tonight his friends are coming to church with him. I still think they’re a bunch of delinquents but if they attend church 2-3 times a week, they can’t be complete heathens, right?
The alarm woke me up again today. Second time this week. Usually I’m awake an hour before.
Lunch time is over. Peace out.

these are a few of my favorite things...

For some reason my energy level keeps dropping off dramatically at random times. Sunday it was early in the morning. Last night it hit me at around 7pm. I was completely wiped out… yet… it was nearly midnight before I fell asleep. Today it hit me during lunch. I am drained… fighting to keep my eyes open… so tired that breathing is an effort. I’m sure I’ll rally… hopefully… my day is only half over.

I think the heat had something to do with it while I was out at lunch. I had a car picnic while working on my Italian CDs… and the sun was super bright. The temperature is bearable… but the humidity is high.

I’m loving my Italian language CDs – I’ve never learned a foreign language before and it seems like a good way to keep the old 42 year old gray matter functioning at top performance. Italian is a beautiful language. I’ve noticed, however, that I seem to do a better job of speaking it while using my hands. Apparently, you can’t speak Italian without wildly gesticulating. Many musical terms are Italian so there are a lot of words I already know. Bits and pieces. I’m using the Michel Thomas course, if anyone is interested. He was a student of psychology and part of his philosophy is that we are able to get our brains to do things above and beyond what we think they can do. I’m a smart girl, of that I have no doubt, but I’ve never really tested myself in this way. Learning is fun. For reals.

One of my customers joked with me last week that since I’m 42, I’ve hit drinking age twice so I’m doubly entitled to imbibe. Oddly, I still don’t care for it much. Alcohol makes me sleepy and dizzy and … well, I can achieve that on my own for free just by living. I’m naturally drunk.

I bought a new type of grain cereal for breakfast… it’s http://www.bobsredmill.com/10-grain-hot-cereal.html the 10 grain hot cereal and it’s yummy! It cooks in the microwave in 4 minutes… very filling… has protein. I need to toss in some fresh fruit to make it more balanced. It’s also relatively affordable. The bag was $2.98 but you only use ¼ cup per serving so it will go a long way. Love my grains and dried beans! I need to try more of the grains that Bob’s Red Mill has. Since it’s nigh on impossible to find that sort of stuff locally, it’s nice to know you can purchase online.

Lunch was my FAVORITE kashi meal – the mayan harvest bake - http://www.kashi.com/products/kashi_frozen_entrees_mayan_harvest_bake . Best frozen meal ever! Kashi is more expensive than Lean Cuisine but cheaper than an extra value meal at McDonalds.

Since this post has turned into an Oprah’s Favorite Things episode, I’ll also add that I love Vitamin Water Zero by Glaceau. www.glaceau.com

I'm sneezing like crazy. Ugh. I usually have these quiet, delicate, feminine sneezes... but this afternoon they've been loud and they HURT. I think I broke the seal.

My lunch time is over. Back to the salt mine. Or… my nice, cushy, well-lit, office with a great view where I do non-menial tasks.

Rainy days and Mondays.
And there are ants all over my desk. Not because of food… there is no food. I don’t know if they’re trying to get out of the rain or what. My office smells like bug spray. I’ve threatened to cover myself in it. I’m itching like crazy, not because they’ve bitten me but because I keep feeling them crawling on me. It’s awful. Hard to concentrate.
We’re short by two people today but it’s deadly slow.
More ants than customers right now.
I opened my office window (post ants) to let some of the smell of the spray out and let in some of the rain soaked air. The sound of the rain is relaxing.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
My hair is a mess. I didn’t even try today.
I’m thinking of wearing a hat for Cody’s wedding. Have to find somewhere to buy a hat. I’ve been glancing at the internet. My dress has chocolate brown silk accent ribbons so if I can find a nice hat in that color or even if I find a plain hat and adore it with chocolate colored silk ribbon. I think I could detail my own hat.
Purple Michael says that since I live in the south, I should be able to find a hat easily. Or he suggested blackchurchladyhatsrus.com – I’m not sure that’s a real website. Will check and let you know.
Have I told you about http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/ ?? Check it out. It will either make you sick or hungry.
Quiet weekend. Mucho headachey yesterday.
Saturday Cody and Marquee came over after their LAST premarital counseling session. They passed. They can get married now.
We spent the afternoon looking at old photos. Cody wanted to find pictures of his cat Tommy, when he was a kitten. We found them.
Also found photos of my Codester with my high school friend Dwaine’s little boy, Dustin. Both are 19 now. Also have a picture with my friend A.T’s daughter, Haley and my son Ryan. It was a heartbeat ago… now they’re all grown.
Also found *THE* photo of my brother Bryan that gave us a glimpse of his future. He is protesting my laying out in the sun in the area of the backyard where he wanted to play. He is now a big-shot attorney in Manhattan. Heck, if I’d known he’d grow up to be a rich lawyer, I might have let him have his spot in the backyard.
Just kidding. But in the picture you can see his passion for social injustice… and my detached amusement. It’s obvious that I was used to annoying little brothers.
Favorite websites right now: http://www.officetally.com/ , http://www.thekindlife.com/ http://www.farmvillefreak.com/ , http://www.modcloth.com/
Saturday night Jim & Angie took us out for my birthday… I loved it!
Austin spent the weekend hanging out with his friend Zack. And with Tasha, I think. He’s awful phone-chatty lately which makes me think a girl is involved.
My head is still bothering me. Once I get a headache, it will rear its ugly head a few times before it goes away for good. The unstable atmosphere hasn’t helped.
Mostly today my head just feels full.
My Italian CDs came over the weekend. Now I can start learning. The book Eat, Pray, Love inspired me. The movie comes out this summer.
The failed bombing in Times Square was approximately ¾ a mile from my brother’s apartment. He was in Chicago, though. No danger to him or Candice – but Shadow the cat was in jeopardy.
So that’s my Monday. Hope it’s a good one.