more news from tues.

I made the right decision. I was never well enough today to even sit up. So... just like that... in January... I've burned through all of my sick leave for 2011... which... is fine, because I'm not going to get sick again this year.
There. I said it.
I'm throwing down the gauntlet and DARING my body to fail me again.
I'm over it.
Or, I will be over it, as soon as I'm over this.
The good news... TCM has had some good movies on... the kitties have been really good company... Austin has learned to automatically check my big mug of water to make sure it's full... and... surely, SURELY by now I'm over the worst of it, right?
Today I've eaten... a hand full of cherries... a small bowl of raisin bran with skim milk.... a banana... an oatmeal creme pie (don't judge... )... lowfat popcorn...
And... most of that didn't stay down for long.
Cherries are not so pretty in reverse.
I'm jes' sayin'...
The worst of it is the dizziness. I think if not for the dizziness, I would have been much better off.
Today I couldn't even focus on my La-la Laptop for long.
But the kitties... they stuck beside me.
I got the sweetest thank you note from Jamie for her birthday gift... complete with a really sweet picture of the two of us.
Jamie-gurl is going to be baptized on Sunday. It's a big deal and I'm excited.
AND I will be there... I don't care if I can only make it long enough for the actual baptism.
Tonight will be early bedtime for me... gonna make sure I can work tomorrow.
AS GOD AS MY WITNESS... I will work tomorrow.
Please, God?
I won't be awake, Lord willing, for the State of the Union show tonight. It would just make me mad anyways.
Spend, spend, spend. Am I the only one who gets that the more in debt you get, the more uneasy the economy becomes?
I mean... that's the way it works in my house and I see our household budget as a microcosm.
But... I've already talked about politics enough today.
Can I just tell you how sweet my kitties are when they snore?
Ok... that's it.
Love and hugs.
Bigger and better things ahead.

my internal struggle

I'm blogging under the influence this morning. This is just a warning... in case I come off as depressed or ... I don't know... whatever... just remember that I am under the influence of some strong pain medication and feeling some really intense pain... but that's when I really want to blog, when I can be my most authentic self... because I think that my gift is transparency... the ability to humiliate myself before the world wide web.

I had this discussion with my boss yesterday....

(sidebar) Let me suck up for just a second and say that I'm so grateful for my boss. As Lyn pointed out last week... I miss a lot of work. And I know he doesn't like it and would prefer me to be at work. It's a strain on everyone in my office. The unfortunate current reality for me is that I'm not healthy enough to work. I hold out great hope that I'm going to be much better very soon.

Anyways... we had this discussion yesterday about how so many people are struggling financially and most are embarassed to admit it. We deal with a lot of these people in our business... people who are calling to complain about the cost of insurance or whatever other thing they can think of... many times the truth behind the complaint is their financial limitations. And I think I'm the best person to deal with these people because I really get it. I. really. get. it. And D said that few people are as open about their financial situation as I am... well... I guess I can just say that God made me chatty and transparent for a reason. Hardly a day passes without someone thanking me for letting them know that they aren't alone. If my greatest contribution to the world wide web is to give people a format where they can say, "me too"... then I'm honored.

My internal struggle today was in desperately wanting to be at work. I've got a few cases I'm working on and I need the production numbers and the commission in a bad way. Yet... I'm so dizzy that I can't move my head... I'm so nauseous that I can't even keep water down... and the pain today is similar to what I dealt with Saturday night, late, when I am convinced that I passed a stone. I'm having muscle spasms that reach from my bra strap to mid thigh... the pain takes my breath away. I know that I am not able to work... but I fear, truly fear, that I am going to end up losing my job because of this illness... and the others that I've had over the past few months. I got dressed... I fixed my hair... I tried... and... I just can't.

I reached a point of desperation when I just called the office and said, "please don't hate me..." and started praying. I just had to give it to God. If this illness costs me my job, then God has a plan for my life that doesn't involve that job. Oh... how I pray this isn't the case... I don't want to have to start over again... but I know that I can only do what I can do. And I know that God is/was/and will always be in control.

I appreciate your prayers and any encouragement you can give. I want to be whole again.

taboo topics

What are the subjects you're not supposed to discuss in polite company? Politics and religion... but I did pose the following question recently:

"Ok... any other questions out there? I'm enjoying this introspective..." and my friend, Mr. Drake, who still holds the title for the BEST COMMENTS EVER on my blog... asked this thought provoking question:

So, other than "We're right!" What do you wish liberal people understood about conservative people & visa versa?

I think rather than speaking for all conservatives, everywhere, or trying to parrot what I've heard on Fox News or Rush Limbaugh, I'll take this opportunity to explain my political and religious views. The truth is... I'm probably more libertarian than conservative... but I'll let you decide for yourself.

I think all men are created equal and have the unalienable right to life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness. I think this means that, within reason, we should have an economic system that allows everyone the opportunity to create the best life possible for themselves and their family. This doesn't mean that anyone owes me a certain standard of living... I must create it for myself. I think there have to be some checks and balances... labor laws, minimum wage, etc... but I believe that we have created a system where a precious few are paying into a system that benefits far too many for far too long. I believe we have created a welfare state where too many people have given up the pursuit of happiness and have settled for whatever they can get for minimal effort.

I believe the government should support infrastructure such as public schools, roads, public safety... and I believe there should be a system in place to provide health care for those who can't afford it for themselves. I don't believe health insurance should be mandated in the same way that auto insurance is mandated. My kidney infection is not a threat to your health in the same way that my wreckless driving might be.

I believe that if we made some drugs legal... it would benefit society. If law enforcement spent less time looking for that tiny little baggie in someone's glove compartment... and more time protecting us from those who seek to do real harm... we would be better off. I believe we spend too much money incarcerating people who have recreational drug habits. I liken it to prohibition. If people want to drink... let them drink. If they want to smoke pot... let them. And let them face the consequences for their actions. As long as they consume these things in the privacy of their own home and pose no harm to anyone else... leave them alone.

I disagree with abortion as a means of birth control. I disagree with abortion AT ALL beyond the first trimester. I believe that life begins at conception and although for myself, I would never seek an abortion, I don't believe I have the right to take that right away from someone else. I do believe, however, that abortion is murder and the abortionist... and the mother who aborts a child... are murderers.

I'm not a fan of the death penalty. Or war. Or any time a life is taken by another human. I think only God should end a life. However... unfortunately... there are times that it's kill or be killed... and there are people whose wicked ways can only be stopped by stopping their life. I personally, however, want no part of it. If I was ever on a jury where the death penalty was the ultimate outcome, I don't believe I could convict knowing that my decision could end a life.

I disagree with the income tax. The current tax system discriminates against the middle class and unfairly burdens a few with the support of many. I believe in a flat tax or fair tax or sales/consumption taxes. That way, everyone will share in the tax burden. People with limited income spend less... therefore they would be taxed less. People who can afford luxury items, would be taxed accordingly. I disagree with "sin taxes"... higher tariffs on items like alcohol and cigarettes. They don't discourage the behavior and unfairly impact lower income people.

We are trying to support a socialist government on a capitalist economy. That's why we're broke. If you spend more than you make, it doesn't work. Trust me, I've learned this the hard way with my own budget.

I disagree with "blue laws" such as no alcohol sales on Sunday. It doesn't increase church attendance. People still drink on Sunday. I believe that we should honor the Sabbath and keep it holy... but... isn't the Sabbath on Saturday? I don't know... I don't believe you can legislate morality. I don't believe we should legislate what goes on in the bedroom. I disagree with segregation and discrimination of any kind. Reverse discrimination... such as affirmative action... is discrimination.

I believe Jesus Christ was the son of God who came to earth, died as a sacrifice to pay for my sins and was resurrected... just like the bible says. I don't think any religion knows everything or that any bible scholar has it all figured out. My faith works for me. I believe that God hears and answers my prayers. I believe that living life according to the bible is a good choice, regardless of whether or not you believe the bible is the true Word of God. I believe that there are many acceptable translations of the bible but that too many years have transpired for us to know beyond a shadow of a doubt which translation is the most holy, purest version. I believe that God helps us, if we ask, rightly divide the Word of God... and helps us understand and apply His truths to our lives. I believe that it is impossible to explain faith... and that those who want to believe, will find reasons to believe... and those who refuse to believe, cannot be swayed. I believe that nothing that happens in my life is a surprise to God.

I believe that we have gotten so far away from our roots - from the bible, the Constitution, from right and wrong - that we no longer have a clear understanding. Life is no longer black and white... the gray area is too large. I believe we think we know more than we really do. I believe we talk too much and don't listen enough. I can respect someone who has different views from mine, as long as they can articulate what they believe and why. I believe that our economic system has put such a huge strain on families that mothers have to work just to make ends meet... and I believe that mothers not being home with their children was the beginning of the decline of our society. It's not that I don't believe women SHOULD work... I just believe that God ordained certain roles in the family and that because women had to enter the work force, some of those roles stopped being filled. It is rare for there to be two parents working together to jointly take care of all of the needs of all family members. There's always someone whose needs are not being met.

I believe that part of my health problems come from trying to fill too many roles... I'm worn out. I didn't sleep much last night. The shot I got yesterday caused an allergic reaction. I'm itchy and nauseous again... and dizzy again... and in pain still. So... maybe I shouldn't have tried to write an intelligent post today... but there it is... the world according to Heather... there's more... but I'm exhausted.

Thanks for asking...

newsday tuesday - on Monday

There are a few things I wanted to share while I have a few moments...

I worked half a day today. It was incredibly painful and discouraging. I'm not 100% and I hate that. My work family is wonderful and they have all been incredibly patient and kind. I'm blessed. I plan to try again tomorrow.

I went back to the doctor today and she was all the things that made me like her as a doctor in the first place. I don't know what her deal was last week... but I got the kind of attention I needed today and I feel better - emotionally, if not completely physically. I'm a "second antibiotic" kind of girl. I hate it. Think about this, moms and dads, when you're feeding your kids beef and chicken that is loaded with hormones and antibiotics... my body doesn't respond to antibiotics. And no... I'm not blaming my parents because we didn't know then what we know now... and we certainly didn't know that I'd grow up to have the various chronic conditions that would require frequent antibiotics making them even less effective. Today I got a shot... which is what we should have started with... and a stronger pain medication... and a secondary pain medication. They sent the "lab sample" off to grow a culture... again, something that should always be done with me because the types of infections I have - strep, bronchitis, etc - always have an unusual underlying bacteria. I've got cooties, apparently. It's a common thread with all my infections.

So there's that. And... as she did the exam today... she felt some ovarian cysts... which is consistent with the granuloma disease that I have... they're in my sinuses, my lungs, my kidneys and... so it would stand to reason they would grow in my ovaries too. So far, all the granulomas/cyst formations that have been found have been completely benign and have only served to cause mild discomfort and increased risk of infection. But... they're there.

Today Austin got his new schedule and - as he requested - he's taking the Catalyst Christian Learning Center class and he's taking chemistry. It's a full course load for him and it's going to be difficult but he's excited and enthusiastic. He was chattering nonstop about the Learning Center and "Miss Natalie"... who he's known most of his life... and I'm so grateful that God has worked it out for him to have that Godly influence in the middle of his school day, every day. The class is small - only a half dozen or so kids - and the focus this semester is dating and marriage. He needs - desperately - a Godly perspective on relationships because he hasn't gotten it in his home.

How cool would it be to find out you were Oprah's long lost sister?

Something happened last week when I was really sick... and laying here miserable... my neighbor was playing music really loud... and normally, that is the kind of thing that really gets under my skin. But something made me mute my tv and actually listen to her music... she was playing one of my favorite songs, a contemporary Christian song that I feel has really defined my life... "does anybody hear her can anybody see... does anybody even know she's going down today... under the shadow of the steeple, among the lost and lonely people... searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me... " I cry almost every time I hear that song... because it talks about the loneliness and emptiness that some people carry with them when they come into church... and how desperate they are to feel a touch of a savior. But it wasn't just that she was listening to the song... my neighbor was singing the song at the top of her lungs... not just singing... she was crying out to the Lord... and I recognized in her, in the voice that carried through the wall of our duplex... I recognized that desperation in her voice because I've sung the same song in the same spirit so many times. I was so blessed to hear her singing. I just sat here quietly and listened.

Anyways... that's what's happening around here today... I'm going to be better soon. I just know it.

reasons to love Monday

As of Saturday night... I was still not able to sit up... and I was beginning to get worried... will this ever pass? Am I going to be dizzy/nauseous/in pain for the rest of my life? Have I - in the words of Organic Rose - "angered the gods"??? Am I taking the wrong meds? Seeing the wrong doctor? Is it psychological? Visions of poverty flashed through my head... around midnight Saturday night there was excruciating pain... I was up most of the night... unable to get comfortable...

And then yesterday... the clouds parted and the sun broke through and I was actually able to be vertical for several hours. I'm hopeful! I'm getting better! Looking back... I think the pain during the night Saturday was a stone passing... and I think finally... after a week on antibiotics... the infection is clearing up. I'm also thinking... that, as usual, I have had an ear infection along with the kidney infection. I don't know why they always come together for me... but they do... and I think that may have had something to do with the dizziness.

At any rate... this morning I'm not nauseated and only mildly dizzy. I haven't taken any meds and I plan to hold off on taking them as long as possible. I'm having some back pain but it's bearable. I'm going to shower, go into work and hang as long as I can. I can't imagine that I'm going to make it the whole 9 hours but I'm going to try for at least half a day.

So... reason number one to love Monday - I'm going to work!

I haven't had an official weigh in this morning but it looks like the scale is moving in the right direction finally...
Yesterday I had an epiphany about the weight loss. (and recent lack of weight loss) One of the wonderful emails I got (thanks to those of you who commented, emailed, sent messages... you made my day!) encouraged me not to give up on the weight loss since I have been in a plateau for two months. I have chosen not to see it as being stuck... from my perspective... despite numerous obstacles... I have MAINTAINED my 30 pound weight loss for 2 months! I think that's a huge triumph. I've battled through holiday overeating.... holiday depression... two courses of antibiotics caused by two significant illnesses... one significant snowstorm... I don't see this two months of the scale being at the same weight as a failure... is see it as a success. And I'm really proud of myself!

More reasons to love Monday? Hmmm....
I made taboule yesterday so I have a yummy lunch ahead of me.
I couldn't finish my greek yogurt with honey and banana yesterday so the second half of that is waiting for my breakfast.
I found some awesome antibiotic free/hormone free/nitrite free beef hotdogs and had one yesterday... it was really, really good. I'm having another for dinner tonight.
My electric blanket... spread over my recliner... makes for a huge heating pad that covers my whole back.
I've added a tracker to my blog page and it looks like I'm getting about twice as many hits a day as I thought.
Austin halfway cleaned the kitchen yesterday so it's only half messy this morning. (glass half full)
Spring is getting closer with each passing week.
The next "sky is falling" winter precipitation event that was predicted for tomorrow is looking like a non-event. That's good news.

WHAT? I just saw that White County schools are on a two hour delay... what?
I guess I better investigate... well... it looks wet... but that's all. Of course... sometimes we are impacted by the weather conditions at higher elevations...
And... ugh... that rush to the door to check out the weather brought a wave of nausea. Y'all keep me in your prayers, light a candle, pull the pin out of my voodoo doll... whatever it is you do to appeal to your higher power. I know that God has a reason for this season of life for me... and I know I'm going to get through this just like everything else that has come my way...

No matter what... I'm gonna love this Monday... and I'm going to be grateful for every single positive thing that happens... and I'm going to accept every single negative thing that happens... and I'm going to keep moving forward, keep believing for better things... and know that God has a plan for me.

love and hugs, y'all!

over hill, over dale... as we hit the dusty trail...

June 2005... Cody (right) and his best friend/brother Jimmy Lee (left) have a moment of prayer for Coach Bear who was getting stitches in a nasty cut in his eye...

This is Jimmy Lee now... all grown up... and serving in Iraq.
He's one of mine... one of the kids that grew up alongside my kids... who was a brother to Cody... he called me (still calls me) mom... and he's over on the other side of the world fighting for our freedom. I told him before he left that I'm proud of him... and that I'll pray for him every day until he comes home safe.

I hope you will too... God bless Jimmy Lee... and all those serving with him...

inquiring minds want to know...

Three more questions from my "trolling for comments" entry this morning... they're all thought provoking...

If you could ask me ANY question and I had to give a completely honest answer, what would you ask?

I think you are completly open & honest....but would ask if why you stayed as long as you did with Darby being so mean, especially to Austin.

I stayed with Michael for a couple of reasons. I kept hoping that something, somehow, would turn him back into the man he presented himself to be in the beginning... and into the man he promised me that he was. That's the first reason- optimism. The second reason is stubbornness. I made my bed and I felt like I had to lie in it. I burned a lot of bridges. I stepped out in faith where he was concerned and I needed it to work, I needed the validation of being able to salvage a lost cause. And honestly, truly, I felt I had nowhere to go. I felt like I didn't have any options. I had no money saved... I felt like a bad life for Austin and I with a roof over our heads was better than being homeless. The thing about being in an abusive relationship like that... you begin to see yourself through the eyes of your abuser. You believe the lies they feed you. I believed that no one else cared... that I had nowhere else to go... You have to understand that in the year I was married to Michael, I had lost several of my closest friends, I had lost my relationship with my little brother, I had lost my two oldest boys... I was isolated and scared. The other thing... I had prayed for guidance and I believe that God kept telling me to wait. "Be still and know that I am God". I heard this over and over again... and truly... when the wheels came off the wagon and it was time to go... everything fell into place in a way that only God could have orchestrated. There were lessons that Austin and I both needed to learn... and I pray that there were lessons that Michael learned as well... in the time it took for us to be able to leave.

One question is hard. I guess this: How has your evolving faith effected the way you feel your emotions?
It truly is hard to separate emotions from spirituality. My faith gives me optimism that I might not otherwise have. It gives me hope... strength... peace... in the face of disappointment. My faith protects my heart. Because I believe that I am a child of God, because I believe there is a guiding force, a greater power in my life, because I believe that He has already designed a plan for my life... I feel a confidence I might not otherwise had. That's the up side. There's also a measure of guilt that I feel from time to time... when I doubt God's plan, when I don't have the patience that I need to follow His plan for my life... when I feel alone, I feel like I'm doubting His promises for my life. (guilt affects Christians, too, you see!) When I draw close to God, I feel stronger. When I rebel from God, I feel weak and alone. At the end of this life, if I find there was no God, truly, I would still have lived a better life just based on the hope I have in Him. That hope has carried me through a lot of things I might not otherwise have survived. I think we all need something bigger than ourselves to believe in.

"Is there one piece of advice that you were given in your life that you didn't follow that you wish you had?"
I don't think I'm very good at listening to advice. I'm far too independent and stubborn. I'm just one of those people that has to figure it out for myself... and even then... I'm slow to listen, slow to learn from my own mistakes. I'm one who has to make the same mistakes over and over again. One thing I wish I had done was been more responsible with my finances. I wish I had been more conservative with my spending, especially during times of "feasting" when it didn't take every penny I made to pay the bills I have. I also wish I had listened to my own instincts and followed my gut... I wish I had trusted my own inner voice.

Ok... any other questions out there? I'm enjoying this introspective...