My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

inquiring minds want to know...

Three more questions from my "trolling for comments" entry this morning... they're all thought provoking...

If you could ask me ANY question and I had to give a completely honest answer, what would you ask?

I think you are completly open & honest....but would ask if why you stayed as long as you did with Darby being so mean, especially to Austin.

I stayed with Michael for a couple of reasons. I kept hoping that something, somehow, would turn him back into the man he presented himself to be in the beginning... and into the man he promised me that he was. That's the first reason- optimism. The second reason is stubbornness. I made my bed and I felt like I had to lie in it. I burned a lot of bridges. I stepped out in faith where he was concerned and I needed it to work, I needed the validation of being able to salvage a lost cause. And honestly, truly, I felt I had nowhere to go. I felt like I didn't have any options. I had no money saved... I felt like a bad life for Austin and I with a roof over our heads was better than being homeless. The thing about being in an abusive relationship like that... you begin to see yourself through the eyes of your abuser. You believe the lies they feed you. I believed that no one else cared... that I had nowhere else to go... You have to understand that in the year I was married to Michael, I had lost several of my closest friends, I had lost my relationship with my little brother, I had lost my two oldest boys... I was isolated and scared. The other thing... I had prayed for guidance and I believe that God kept telling me to wait. "Be still and know that I am God". I heard this over and over again... and truly... when the wheels came off the wagon and it was time to go... everything fell into place in a way that only God could have orchestrated. There were lessons that Austin and I both needed to learn... and I pray that there were lessons that Michael learned as well... in the time it took for us to be able to leave.

One question is hard. I guess this: How has your evolving faith effected the way you feel your emotions?
It truly is hard to separate emotions from spirituality. My faith gives me optimism that I might not otherwise have. It gives me hope... strength... peace... in the face of disappointment. My faith protects my heart. Because I believe that I am a child of God, because I believe there is a guiding force, a greater power in my life, because I believe that He has already designed a plan for my life... I feel a confidence I might not otherwise had. That's the up side. There's also a measure of guilt that I feel from time to time... when I doubt God's plan, when I don't have the patience that I need to follow His plan for my life... when I feel alone, I feel like I'm doubting His promises for my life. (guilt affects Christians, too, you see!) When I draw close to God, I feel stronger. When I rebel from God, I feel weak and alone. At the end of this life, if I find there was no God, truly, I would still have lived a better life just based on the hope I have in Him. That hope has carried me through a lot of things I might not otherwise have survived. I think we all need something bigger than ourselves to believe in.

"Is there one piece of advice that you were given in your life that you didn't follow that you wish you had?"
I don't think I'm very good at listening to advice. I'm far too independent and stubborn. I'm just one of those people that has to figure it out for myself... and even then... I'm slow to listen, slow to learn from my own mistakes. I'm one who has to make the same mistakes over and over again. One thing I wish I had done was been more responsible with my finances. I wish I had been more conservative with my spending, especially during times of "feasting" when it didn't take every penny I made to pay the bills I have. I also wish I had listened to my own instincts and followed my gut... I wish I had trusted my own inner voice.

Ok... any other questions out there? I'm enjoying this introspective...

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