My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

stuck

Last night Austin wanted to make "healthy spaghetti" at about 11pm. Healthy meaning... whole wheat noodles with organic sauce... the sort of food I keep in my pantry for an end of the groceries / out of money time period like we'll be experiencing this month. I said, "sure... but save your leftovers for my lunch tomorrow". I got up this morning and the pan... full of leftovers... enought for 2-3 more meals... still sitting on the stove. I wanted to cry.

Yesterday I discovered all but one of my spoons in his room... coated with candle wax. My favorite latte mug that I use for soups... broken... three other mugs... shattered to pieces. I wanted to cry. I'm so frustrated with him. None of it makes sense. He has no conscience. I just feel like I have no options. The cellphone bill will not be paid when it runs out... that's the only thing I really have over him. I also found lots of food left out and wasted... the good deli meat... breyers ice cream...MY whole wheat croutons that I use on my salads. It's like he purposely wastes / ruins things to hurt me.

Money is tight. It will be even tighter until February since this was the third short paycheck in a row for me. The resources just aren't there for me to afford to constantly replace dishes, allow food to spoil. He doesn't care. If I try to talk to him he gets violent. It's so frustrating. I can't kick him out. I can't afford him. I can't handle the stress of fighting with him to try to get him to do the right thing and... getting mad at him, attempting to punish him, doesn't work any ways. I feel like I'm stuck.

Speaking of stuck... I went to weight watchers this morning and the plateau hasn't been broken yet. I think the fact that I'm acknowledging it's a plateau is a huge step. I haven't seen a LOWER number than the one posted at the top of my blog since I got sick at the beginning of December. I did have a 1.2 pound loss this week, taking me to 183.8 so I'm close.... it's going in the right direction. I had a good week of eating, despite being stuck in the house for two days. I know I'm on the right track.

The key is exercise. I know it. I believe it. I've lived it. I know that after so many months of weight loss you stop being able to move the scale by diet alone. I just am not doing it. I don't know why. I just don't. I told my NYC sister in law this morning that I'm making her my accountability partner... I'll email her whenever I exercise and then that way, if I don't email her... she knows I haven't done it and she can get on my case. And she will. She doesn't have that southern sweetness about her... she's no-nonsense. I know that once I get in the habit and start seeing results it will truly become habit for me. I'm like that... a creature of habit.

There's still a lot of snow and ice around but we'll have sunshine and warmer weather today so it won't be here much longer.

I had a really good time last night... a phone date, of sorts... I have been asked not to give this guy a nickname - he said, "call me by my real name"... but you know that's just not my style... I'm not one for naming names. We talked for 3 hours and 42 minutes... which for me... is absolutely unheard of. I hate talking on the phone... it's just that it requires your undivided attention and it's rare for me to enjoy anything enough to do just that one thing. I'm always multi-tasking. BUT... it was really fun... he's intelligent and witty and sort of edgy... it was a welcome change for me after all these country boys.

There are a lot of things that make him an improbable match for me so - in a way - it's a way for me to have a companion that doesn't hurt my heart because I don't see any real possibility. I've spent the past few months dwelling in possibility only to have rug after rug snatched out from under me - either they reject me or I reject them or it's just obviously not going to work. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed... and so... I'm going to enjoy this, knowing that there's only so far it can go. Geographically speaking, specifically... but there are a few other boundaries...

You know that feeling when you go thru a breakup and you want to cut your hair or do something drastically different? That's how I feel right now. I mean, Nice Guy was just a brief flicker of hope before it was dashed so it wasn't that I was emotionally invested... but after hearing from him, "I feel like I've known you my whole life" and other similar platitudes... I saw some real possibility for a good friendship that could grow... but he was the straw that broke the camel's back. Too many times of getting the complimentary emails... phone calls... bonding... seeing possibility... daring to hope/dream/see beyond my relationship plateau and believing that maybe this exile in the land of Single was coming to an end... only to be rudely deposited right back on it's barren shores again. I feel kinda bad for him because... whether he knew it or not... he really hurt my feelings... and I think he's the kind of person who would feel bad for making someone else feel bad.

And... I guess... if anything... the takeaway for me was... it's time to quit the online dating game. I was afraid that living in a small town, I'd never cross paths with a local guy unless he walked in my office or came to my church. I don't flirt with clients and I go to a women's bible study so... yeah... not meeting guys there... so I thought online dating would help. Nope. It knocked me back. I want a local guy because I do love this area and I intend to let my roots grow deep here. I would rather be single and live here than be in a relationship living somewhere else. Part of my discouragement from Nice Guy was from the realization that maybe I just don't FIT here. Or that... my role in this community is to be the crazy old cat lady... Aunt Heather...

Everything has a season, everything has a time... show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme... cats fit on the windowsill, children fit in the snow... why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go? Rivers belong where they can wander... eagles belong where they can fly... I've got to be where my spirit can run free... got to find my corner... of the sky... (that's from the musical, "Pippin")

Last night I dreamed I was in the theatre with Purple Michael... helping him produce a show... that's my heart running free, running away from all the things that have me stuck... and probably part of why I love him so much... when I'm with him, I feel like I fit. I don't have to apologize or feel guilty for who I'm not and what I'm not.

Ok... time for me to get moving... time to get unstuck... I can't make Prince Charming come riding in on a white horse... i can't make my kid act like he should... I can't put more money in my budget this month... but I can move my butt. That's what I'm gonna do.

And then... I'll settle in and watch the falcons! Rise up!

love and hugs, y'all.

7 comments:

Julie said...

I am glad you had a nice conversation with a new guy on the phone. Wow over 3 hours is quite a conversation! You seem alot more upbeat today and that is great. Don't give up on dating. You havent been out on 20 dates and all have gone bad. I know you have heard the expression " you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince" That is so true. A keeper is hard to find. It is not you there are just not that many great catches out there. Keep dating but don't get your hopes up for any of them until you really really get to know them. You will not end up a crazy cat lady!! Good luck on the diet as well. I am also on the ww plan and maybe I eat to much fruit but it is moving slow for me too! Julie

amy derr said...

Girl you need to insert your foot up Austin's little butt...he knows exactly what he's doing...in fact..call his brother Cody and have him pay him a visit...he won't put up with mo being treated that way. Let me know if Aunt Amy needs to come up there. Love ya. Hang in there!!

Anonymous said...

So, I never really read you blog anymore. Not because I don't want to, but it's so very rare that I have time to sit down and read something longer than a headline. Not sure what made me stop to read this one, except that perhaps I was meant to read it. (BTW, the "Verification" word down below right now is "missita") MISSY!!! I can't really comment on the Auggie stuff. Except, I am ready to kick his ass. I do want to comment on you fitting with me. We do fit together. I don't know what I did to find such a great fit, but I thank God that you are in my life. I told you and everyone else that you are my Muse. I wish you could be here with me right now. This show is driving me crazy. It would be a great way for you to step out for a short time and allow you and I to just "be" in a moment that we love so much. Ross has said many times that at some point we will find the money to fly you up here. Even if it is for just a weekend. Money is tight. For most of us. So, I am "Giving it to Jesus". I pray that somehow, someone will come forward and offer a way for you to come and get away for a brief moment. I don't know how this can happen, but I believe that it can. We could use each others company right now. I love you..."muchly"

Purple Michael

Pudge450 said...

May I suggest that you prepare supper (dinner) tonight. Some bread, a little butter, glass of tea... whatever. Then tell him that you wish it could be more.. but it all went out in the trash, because of his foolish action (or inaction). He won't starve. Will probably be mad as heck, but may realize a little bit that actions have consequences. (or not!)

Jeanne said...

How TOTALLY weird this is to me....I read your post and had a comment in my mind...and I scrolled down to type it in, only to see a comment from Purple Michael...who said something similar to what I was going to say! While I know it may be geographically impossible for you to be with Purple Michael right now to help him with his show...I was thinking, as I read your Pippin quote..."why doesn't Heather start a theater group THERE, in her little corner of the world?" Even if you started small with a children's theater...who knows where it could lead. But I always tell my own kids not to give up on their dreams and the theater seems to be YOUR dream. So don't give up on it! GO FOR IT!!! You know how involved I am with the HS theater...and you know as well as I do how much the theater means to kids of all ages. How positively it affects those on stage, how much it means to those in the audience.

That's just my humble opinion for the day. Oh yeah, and kick Austin's ass....lol...actually, the theater may be good for AUSTIN too!!

((hugs))
Jeanne

Anonymous said...

Hello, my friend : ) Not much time to write this morning. Austin's behavior is OUT OF CONTROL! You know that. Now, what to do. DO NOT be afraid of his temper. Take away his video game controllers (lock them in your trunk) .... or find a way to take away his TV. NEW HOUSE RULE .... Austin is only allowed to use plastic dishes (buy him plastic bowls, cups and flatware ... put them in a dishwashing tub with his name on it. He can ONLY use those ... and he must wash them. No eating in his bedroom .... only in the kitchen. And, there are NO TREATS in the house .... just BASIC food. He is not allowed to leave the kitchen until it is inspected for such things as wiping the counters, putting away leftovers ... and taking out the trash.

Now, his incentive to do these things?? For each day that he does well with the new rules ... he gets $1.50 put in a jar. At the end of the week when you go to the grocery store (accompanied by Austin) he gets to spend his accumulated $ on his treats for the following week.

Also, reach out to Cody and let him know that you need his assistance (and muscles) to make Austin realize that his behavior is flat out not going to be tolerated. Have Cody call him and tell him that if Austin uses his temper toward you one more time .... he will drive up there and put him in a frickin head lock!

You know my Jason is (was) a lot like Austin. I dealt with all the same stuff. His older brother moved back in the house to save money to buy his own house, and when Jason would pull his crap .... James would walk right up to him, grab his arm and direct him to his room. Jason would try to put up a fight, and James would grab all the way around him from behind ... constrain his arms, and shove him into his room. Then he would close him in the room and have a talk with him like only a "man" can do.

James did buy his own house (at 23 years old) and Jason lives with him while he works and goes to college. Jason worked very hard to buy his own truck .... is now extremely responsible ..... going to college .... and EXTREMELY loving and respectful toward me!!

I couldn't have handled him on my own when he was doing what Austin's doing. GET HELP!! I even had the police come out a few times when he was out of control. They told him that he had a wonderful home with a mother who loved him dearly. They offered to take him to the other side of town and show him homes where kids his age live in squalor and don't have any love. They also told him that if he didn't start obeying me, he would go to juvenile hall .... would not have his own room ... a TV .... a computer .... a cell phone .... any treats .... nothing! And, that if he did have anything worthwhile ... it would be stolen by other kids.

Tell Austin that you spoke to Purple Michael about what you were going through and that Purple Michael is VERY disappointed in Austin.

Hugs,
~Patty

Anonymous said...

I dont want to sound like the mean one But Maybe you should call Austin Dad or Grandparents and see maybe If they can take him more offten I no you love your son But the fact that he is voilent with you is very scary and I dont think you want to have something happen maybe some people at church can help like some men in your church talking to him about his anger These are just suggestions something is going on with him so it might be best to find out what! Hope you are ok God Bless