friday morning

Friday doesn't seem like such a big deal when you've missed a lot of work... but... I'm still glad it's Friday.
I worked THE WHOLE DAY yesterday. I was so nauseous on the way to work... in so much pain that I was in tears... and I just prayed my way through.
Other people are praying for me too. I don't care what anyone else thinks... I believe that prayer makes a difference.
You know... there are times when I start to feel alone in the universe... when things aren't necessarily BAD... they're just stagnant... and when things aren't going the way I think they should... and I wonder why God isn't giving in to all my whims and wishes... and I get a little rebellious and think, "what good is it to have a relationship with the Master of the Universe if my life is still so blah"...
And then... I go thru a time like this... and I realize that *something bigger than me* is holding it all together for me.
I didn't have the strength to work yesterday - at all - much less a whole day - and it happened. That wasn't by sheer force of will because I'm too weak for all that.
It was a big deal to me.
I guess... there are people who will apply some kind of agnostic logic to the situation and call it the power of positive thinking... but I've got to tell you... I wasn't thinking positive... I was whining and defeated and discouraged and hopeless. I was feeling really alone and... afraid... and unsure or which way to go... and I got an email from one of the girls in my bible study group... and the light came on in my head, "wait a minute... I'm not so much alone... "
I started my morning on the phone with my regular doctor... my infection is cleared up, the last urinalysis was clean... but I'm still in pain, significant, take your breath away kind of pain, in my back and I still am battling nausea - even though I'm not taking any meds (other than a pain pill after work). So my doctor's nurse said, "Dr. Parker thinks it's just an institial cystitis flare up at this point". Ok. SO why does my back hurt? She said, "I don't know". I said, "um. do we just ignore this pain and nausea?" She didn't have an answer.
I called my urologist. See... I was supposed to have a follow up cystoscopy in March of last year but I put it off. I wasn't having problems. I couldn't afford it. I didn't want to go through the pain (those things make you miserable for about a week afterwards). I said, "I've had an infection which appears to be cleared up... but I have this horrible back pain that started at the time of the infection and hasn't cleared up"... She wanted to review my chart and decide what to do.
So when I was at that point of... I just can't keep going... the urologist's nurse called back and said, "I think we need to see you..." And so I'm doing that today.
Am I alone in this... here's my conflict... I'm in pain, enough pain that it's affecting my quality of life... I'm nauseous and dizzy... that, to me, signals that something is wrong. But after two visits and numerous phone calls to my regular doctor, I'm basically just getting a "you should be fine"... I feel like she's not hearing me. YET... I don't want to go to any unnecessary expense... I don't want to be a hypochondriac... I have no idea if this back pain is still kidney pain... if it's in any way related... but I don't have any way of knowing which way to go with this. I feel like... just ignoring it... as if I could... rather than having to spend the time and money trying to do what my doctor should do...
And yes, I'm firing my doctor. The phone call yesterday did it for me. I'm going to call the office manager today and say, "I really feel like i haven't gotten good care"... it costs too much, I can't afford to keep going back for the same thing and have her treat the obvious things... and once she runs out of the obvious things, whether or not I feel good, she considers me healed.
I'm not willing to live at this quality of life. I need better.
And because I don't really have an "advocate"... you know, a significant other to go with me to the doctor and speak up for me and say, "this lady is really not well"... or go all Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment for me... when I don't FEEL WELL I don't have the energy to manage my own health care... to say to a doctor or a nurse... "you aren't answering my questions"... "what you did for me didn't make me better"...
And the flip side of that is I HATE MODERN MEDICINE. I don't want to be at their mercy. I don't want to take medication, have tests done, etc. Yet... I don't know what other path is available in the way of figuring out what's causing this pain and/or fixing it.
Here's the other thing... what was diagnosed as pleurisy is in the same general location as my current pain, same side, it's just that the pleurisy hurt on the front and this is on the back. I've had a lot of undiagnosed pain on that side. I pointed it out to my doctor when I had my physical back in September. I said, "I have a lot of pain here... " and pointed... and she said, "Hmmm... that could be a lot of things..." Ok. Like what?
If this post sounds like a dog chasing it's tail, that's because that's how my thoughts have been over the past few days.
So that's where I am today.
I had an odd thought yesterday... the "thing" I had taken off of my forehead in 2008 (you can see it in some of the old pictures on the sidebar) was the same shape as the things in my lungs. I wondered if those things were in any way related. Like... an odd growth of cells... that they have labeled a "granuloma" in my lungs... they called the thing on my head a "nebus sebaceous"... and the same thing in my sinus cavity is a benign cyst. I'm just lumpy.

Bitty is still missing. Rebellious brat.

Baryshnikov is 63. Wow. I wonder if he still dances.

We're expecting beautiful weather this weekend. I'm hoping I feel well enough to get out and soak up some sunshine.

And... that's all I've got for today. Have a good one, y'all. Keep praying.