My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Monday, January 31, 2011

not loving Monday

I seem to have two settings lately: doped up or miserable.
When I'm doped up... I'm in a fog, sleepy, nauseous, unable to move without a great effort.
When I'm miserable... I can't even stand up... I'm exhausted, nauseous and unable to move without a great effort.
Notice the similarities?
And I feel so guilty. I feel like I am *somehow* to blame for this situation. Like...I somehow caused my kidney stones. I know it's because of my past brainwashing... but I feel guilty for being a slacker at work... I went into the office today and couldn't stay... the pain was taking my breath away... but I can't take vicodin and work... I feel guilty for not doing the housework... or anything, really. I don't know why... but I'm just ashamed of these circumstances... embarassed by it... embarassed that I'm so weak.
I feel alone. Jim and Angie have both offered to help if I need anything... the girls from church have offered... Crunch&Munch spent the afternoon with me Saturday. But still... I feel isolated and alone. I feel like I'm not part of the outside world any more. My parents and grandmother were here this weekend and I didn't get to see any of them. Angie's parents and sister and niece were here and I didn't get to see them. Makes me feel like a leper...
I'm sick of tv. Sick of online games. Sick of reading. Sick of sleeping.
I'm too hot... too cold... starving... nauseous.
I did a very bad thing today. During the window of time when the effects of the meds are fading enough for me to drive... and before the pain kicked back in at full force... I had to get something to eat... and there was nothing in the house I wanted. I don't have the strength to walk through the store... so I drove thru McDonalds... and you would THINK I would have gotten a salad or something healthy. Nope. Chicken nuggets kids meal, complete with fries. I ate all the nuggets, half the fries, a box of apple juice and... a baked apple pie. Gluttony.
I have to work. I have to get out of this house. These things need to pass.
*end of whine*

3 comments:

Adirondackcountrygal said...

Oh my I know exactly how you feel minus the pain. I feel so useless right now and so tired all the time and I feel guilty too! You will get better and I hope soon! Take all the help you can get!

mmmbrown625 said...

When is your CT scan?

Foodie2 said...

You have nothing to feel quilty about, you cannot help being sick and there isn't much to do for a kidney stone accept wait it out if they are not willing to go get it. So don't even think that way. All of your friends, boss and co-workers know you and know how you are so feeling guilty is a waste of time and emotion. You can't let those emotions take over. Find you something to look forward to and focus on that instead of the things you can't or don't feel like doing..it will make you feel better.

*hugs* Take care!!