split personality?

Here's a great comment from my friend Lyn... I started to just comment below it but I thought it might be good to make it a real entry. Really a thought provoking question/statement...

You seem far more confident on "paper" than in real life..almost all social events that you plan you cancel other than going to bible study and anything tha involves Michael. You get invited to a lot of things you don't got to..you like to IM and text but not talk on the phone (except recently) You seem to be pretty much a loner except for going to work and church. You rarely have anyone come to your home and you don't seem to have girfriends..you know to go for a drink with..shopping that kind of thing. Now don't get pissy..you asked..LOL and I am a bit of a hermit myself so I am certainly not judging!!!! I have just always thought you appearar so bubbly and outgoing on your blog and FB but in real life not so much... am I right??

It's funny because I have people who say to me that I'm extremely confident and yet... I have sort of an inferiority complex. I always feel like I'm gonna be the last kid picked for kickball. I think more than anything... I really just don't try to market myself or live up to any social obligations. There's a saying, "if there's something you really want to do, nothing can keep you from it... if it's something you really don't want to do, nothing can make you do it".... and that's sort of how I live my life. I don't do things I don't want to do.

I do have girlfriends... really, amazing girlfriends... I've had (and still have) the kind of people in my life who are friends for a lifetime. I tend to have the kind of people in my life who I can pick up with at any time without feeling like there's been any interruption even though it may be 5 years in between the times we get together.

I'm a homebody... not necessarily a hermit... but my job requires me to be really social so when I'm not on the clock, I tend to be anti-social. I struggle with going into social situations as a single person (that's the confidence thing) and often feel sort of on the outside looking in.

There is a part of me that feels above/below the fray... I've had a discussion with others who have had near death experiences and there seems to be a common thread... you just realize that life is too short to spend time doing things you don't want to do. I don't trust people and I purposely try to make sure there's not anyone in my life that I NEED. I try to make sure I'm completely happy with just me... and maybe I've taken that too far.

I'm wired more like a guy than a girl, even though I'm very feminine... I don't like to treat shopping as a social event, it's business to me... and I would rather spend a day watching football than giggling with my girlfriends.

I definitely need to be more social... and there are several people here "in real life" that I'd like to spend more time with... I think that's a great observation, Lyn and it's rather ironic considering that when I moved to Jacksonville, you were the ONLY person I knew there... and yet... I never saw you the whole time I was there. I know that had everything to do with the situation I was in... but it's really crucial to understanding why I am a bit of a loner... if people can/will turn away from you based on the decisions you make in your life... is it worth building those relationships in the first place?

I don't like surprise visits... I tell people that my welcome mat says, "call first"...

going back to that, "if you really want to do something" statement... Michael is the kind of person that I can be myself with... there are few people in the world that I feel that way about. His love is so unconditional that I know I can be my real self with him and not be judged. He feels the same... as a performer, people expect him to always be charming, gorgeous, witty... and sometimes he doesn't feel like being any of those things. Sometimes I don't feel like being the girl I am on paper.

My closest friends here in the mountains are my bible study girls and that's why I hardly ever miss bible study. The teaching is amazing but the fellowship is my lifeline. Alisa is the only girl out of five kids, just like me, and she has that "male" sense of humor that I do. She and I tease each other without being afraid of hurting each others feelings. Cyndi is a "yankee" and she's been through a lot of hard times... she's very frank and honest and we connect on that level. Angie is a single mom, she's been hurt in the same ways that I have, life hasn't always been good to her but she is loving and giving and accepting... that's why we are so bonded. These are the people I trust the most here.

My sister-in-law Angie (not to be confused with bible study Angie) is the person I would consider my best "real life" friend... but she is so busy that it's almost impossible to spend time with her. Whenever she asks... I'm available. My friend Natalie, who I absolutely love, adore and respect, is similar to Angie. And honestly, there are quite a few people here in the hills that I would love to spend time with but can't because they are so busy. And, to some degree, some of the ladies that I would like to spend time with, I can't because I work full time and they don't. Their free time is during the work day when their kids are in school... my free time is in the evening. We connect online and we bond online...

As for the phone... I'm too a.d.d. for phone conversations. When I talk to someone, I try to give them my undivided attention and it's rare that I want to/am able to just sit and do nothing but chat. HOWEVER... when I do talk to someone on the phone... they know that they have my undivided attention and they know that I'm intentionally spending time with them. The phone guy (ha! he ended up with a nickname) is a really intelligent person who is able to carry his end of the conversation. When we're on the phone, he truly DOES capture my attention and imagination. I so thoroughly enjoy talking to him that I don't mind the time on the phone. Usually I'm just annoyed by being on the phone... he doesn't annoy me.

I am, however, truly bubbly and outgoing. I consider myself an antisocial extrovert. Anyone in real life want to weigh in?

Thank you, Lyn, for giving me the opportunity to think these things over. I definitely need to be more intentional about social interaction...