my internal struggle

I'm blogging under the influence this morning. This is just a warning... in case I come off as depressed or ... I don't know... whatever... just remember that I am under the influence of some strong pain medication and feeling some really intense pain... but that's when I really want to blog, when I can be my most authentic self... because I think that my gift is transparency... the ability to humiliate myself before the world wide web.

I had this discussion with my boss yesterday....

(sidebar) Let me suck up for just a second and say that I'm so grateful for my boss. As Lyn pointed out last week... I miss a lot of work. And I know he doesn't like it and would prefer me to be at work. It's a strain on everyone in my office. The unfortunate current reality for me is that I'm not healthy enough to work. I hold out great hope that I'm going to be much better very soon.

Anyways... we had this discussion yesterday about how so many people are struggling financially and most are embarassed to admit it. We deal with a lot of these people in our business... people who are calling to complain about the cost of insurance or whatever other thing they can think of... many times the truth behind the complaint is their financial limitations. And I think I'm the best person to deal with these people because I really get it. I. really. get. it. And D said that few people are as open about their financial situation as I am... well... I guess I can just say that God made me chatty and transparent for a reason. Hardly a day passes without someone thanking me for letting them know that they aren't alone. If my greatest contribution to the world wide web is to give people a format where they can say, "me too"... then I'm honored.

My internal struggle today was in desperately wanting to be at work. I've got a few cases I'm working on and I need the production numbers and the commission in a bad way. Yet... I'm so dizzy that I can't move my head... I'm so nauseous that I can't even keep water down... and the pain today is similar to what I dealt with Saturday night, late, when I am convinced that I passed a stone. I'm having muscle spasms that reach from my bra strap to mid thigh... the pain takes my breath away. I know that I am not able to work... but I fear, truly fear, that I am going to end up losing my job because of this illness... and the others that I've had over the past few months. I got dressed... I fixed my hair... I tried... and... I just can't.

I reached a point of desperation when I just called the office and said, "please don't hate me..." and started praying. I just had to give it to God. If this illness costs me my job, then God has a plan for my life that doesn't involve that job. Oh... how I pray this isn't the case... I don't want to have to start over again... but I know that I can only do what I can do. And I know that God is/was/and will always be in control.

I appreciate your prayers and any encouragement you can give. I want to be whole again.