Punday Sunday

A successful diet is a matter of mind over platter.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


I love puns! My brother is a master punmaker... he can pull a pun out of just about any subject. I'd love to hear any you have... I had to google to get these I used today. I'm not that creative. I try... usually the best I come up with is following up one of Bubba's puns with, "that's punny"...

I know. sad. The thing I love about puns is they sometimes take a minute... it's more highly evolved humor... and it requires a more highly evolved grasp on language.

Anyways... today my precious Jamie gurl is going to be baptized. I'm going to be back in the bapistry with her... not in the actually baptistry pool, you understand, just back stage with her. My favorite place to be in any situation... behind the scenes, right in the thick of things without the pressure. I'm only going to stay long enough for the baptism because I am seriously uncomfortable.

I'm so grateful my doctor set me up with meds on Friday because otherwise, I would have ended up in Urgent Care begging for some. They just take the edge off... don't really take the pain completely away... but I've been pretty much Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds this weekend.

Yesterday Crunch and Munch made the drive to the hills to hang out with me. He brought food and I cooked it... and then we watched basketball all afternoon... and then he went and bought a slice of cake for each of us from Glenda's... great, yummy, homemade cakes... we had a good time. It's not all relationshippy... I'm not in that place with him and I may not be in that place with anyone, ever. It's the great conundrum of my life... I *think* I want to be coupled up but I don't seem to fit in a partnership. I seem to thrive more as a single girl with options. Stupid Cupid.

My eating was bizarre yesterday. I have this odd bi-polar appetite thing going on where I'm constantly nauseous, at times miserably nauseous... but I'm hungry. I just have to eat really slow or eat small meals. I had a bacon biscuit yesterday morning... have been wanting one for months and I just went for it. For lunch I fixed my favorite meal: broiled tilapia over fresh spinach, broiled tomatoes drizzled with olive oil and parmesan. I made my 3bean salad, taboule and white bean hummus with baby carrots to dip. Super healthy lunch, right? And then for dinner... I had a piece of black walnut cake. I stayed within my points... but it wasn't the most nutritious menu.

Austin and I had a chat yesterday about his lack of appreciation for the limits of my resources. I discovered that he has been purchasing pay per view movies every month. I rarely look at my satellite bill and always pay a little extra every month, trying to get ahead... but the amount has been steadily going up. I dug through my stack of unopened mail and found the past few months of pay per view... and he has been buying 5-10 movies per month at the rate of $4.99 each. What aggravates me is that 1. he hasn't asked. 2. I've told him that one a month is ok but that I can't afford more than that. 3. we can rent movies for a fraction of the price at the redbox 4. if he buys a movie, if it's something I'd like to see... I'd like to know we bought it so I could see it too. He just flat out doesn't get it.

And of course... I'm down to one fork, one spoon and two bowls... I have one glass... it's ridiculous. I have no idea what he's doing with my dishes. The child just sucks up resources to the extent that I can't keep up with purchasing to replace what he ruins/wastes/loses. Not to mention (because I already have) the way he wastes food. It's just so discouraging. I am so ready to divorce this kid.

If he doesn't stop buying pay-per-view movies... he's going to be down to only paper view for entertainment... as in books.

Not a great pun, but I tried.

I've got to figure out how to block pay-per-view purchases. Life with Austin would be hard no matter what, in a two parent, two income family with two healthy parents. But being the only parent, only income and not well... I'm just completely overwhelmed with him. Yesterday he was begging for money to buy snacks for him and his friends. He took the hot dogs and buns that I had bought for us to eat this weekend over to his friends house to feed everyone. I can't afford to feed us... I mean, I'm seriously out of money and living off the bounty of the pantry... and he's taking what I have and feeding other people. So frustrating. AND OF COURSE... I didn't get the child support that I should have gotten on Friday. THE LEAST his father could do, since he is absolutely no help with raising the kid... is make sure the money comes on time.

BUT... I have decided that I won't be buying more phone time for him this month. When it runs out, he's without until he makes some major changes.... starting with... finding and cleaning my missing dishes.

Gosh. This entry took a dark turn, didn't it? Let's end it on a lighter note:

Adolescence—when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

the scale is moving again!

The lady weighing in beside me at Weight Watchers this morning shouted "Yippee" and threw her arms up in the air on the scale... it was just like the commercial with the girl in the wedding dress drinking V-8... only this lady was fifties and wearing sweats and... well, anyways... it was similar... and it was so awesome that we all laughed out loud with her. She and her husband are both doing Weight Watchers... and you know how men lose so much faster. He lost 5 pounds and she lost 5.2 pounds! She was as excited about losing more than him as she was about her loss. (It was her first week).

I didn't have *quite* as dramatic an experience on the scale but as you can tell by the new ticker above, that durn scale IS moving again. I lost 1.8 pounds since my last official weigh in (two weeks ago) and I'm at a new low weight. I can feel the mojo begin to flow again! It's gonna happen... that lovely extended maintenance period has ended. I'm a loser again.

I made a quick grocery run... got enough stuff to get us through to payday... picked up my new drugs that are supposed to help me through any painful episodes... straightened up a little more around the house and now I'm tucked into the nest. Happy Losing Saturday, y'all!

dividing lines... common ground

My brother posted a little note this week on his Sunday School class page about the things that divide us as people... some of the most obvious are race, politics, religion, sex, sexual orientation... but just now... as I was folding laundry (don't faint... it's that time of month - Laundry Folding Time)... I thought of a few more dividing lines...

How about... ability to fold a fitted sheet while standing up? Martha Stewart can. I can't. I require the use of a flat surface (usually the floor)

And... speaking of using the floor... are you someone who always breaks out the ironing board whenever it's time to press a few wrinkles? Or do you employ whatever's handy... such as the bed, the floor, etc? (this was the cause of a three day argument with Darby... it's funny now... at the time I was in a state of WTF?)

Are you in the toilet paper over the top or from the bottom of the roll person? (Or are you like me and the toilet paper never makes it on the holder?)

Make your bed every day or not? (As I've mentioned before, I'm in the "sleep on top of the covers" camp so that my bed is always made)

Are you one of those people who can never leave the house without makeup... or do you not care?

Breeder or not?

Cat person or dog person?

Do you have a pile of clean laundry waiting to be put away or are you one of those organized people that immediately folds and puts away straight out of the dryer?

Shower or bath?

Boxers or briefs?

I had a good one yesterday... my doctor asked if I prefered my anti-nausea meds in pill or suppository form... just for the record, I'm on Team Pill.

Country or city?

Rock or country?

Are you one of those people that always wears some sort of foot covering? Or are you (like me) as barefoot as you can be, as much as you can be?

Are you introvert or extrovert? I think we've already established that I am an extrovert - an anti-social extrovert, but extrovert nonetheless.

Night owl or early bird?

Eggs scrambled or fried?

Smoking or non-smoking?

Wine or beer?

I mean... there are just so many things that differentiate us from each other... and you are never more acutely aware of these differences than if you're in the dating pool. Every. Single. New. relationship requires that you answer these questions as part of the vetting process. It's exhausting.

Do you eat every meal at the kitchen table? Or are you - like me - unable to remember the last meal you had at a table that wasn't a restaurant.

Sing in the shower? Or no?
Sing along to the car radio? Or not?
Floss after every meal?
Wash your hands every time you to go the bathroom?
Chapstick or blistex?
Vanilla or chocolate?
Coffee or tea?

And then there are those multiple choice affiliations like sports teams... so many things to make us different.

But I guess... what we have to keep in mind... are the things that make us the same: we are born, we grow, we love, we live, we die.

Everyone has something that is their *worst thing* that is happening to them right now. A friend texted me yesterday about the kidney stones and said, "it could be worse, right?" Well. Sure. And I know that it's not the end of the world as we know it... but for now... my pain is my worst thing. And whatever is heavy on your heart, mind, wallet or ... well, kidneys... is your worst thing. It's all relative... related to how it affects us.

Everyone has basic needs... air, water, food, love...
Everyone has basic rights... freedom, life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness...
Everyone poops.

And one thing that really amazes me, the longer I write this blog, is how much I have in common with people from all over the world... My old boss, Kathy, once remarked about me that I have a gift of finding something in common with every single person I talk to. There's always something... always some common thread... some way that you can connect with others... some way that you can find compassion for them... and I think you live your best life when you focus on those similarities more than the differences.

Time to get ready for weigh in. Let's hope today that I'm a loser!

my doctor visit

Today's doctor's visit was everything I had prayed for... truly...
After my regular doctor essentially said to me yesterday, "your infection is cleared up so... you're fine"... end of story... and didn't even address the pain, nausea or anything else... I was really discouraged. I came very close to just letting it go then.
Except for the fact that I'm really uncomfortable.
So... I saw the urologist today and she was simply amazing. Everything I needed her to be. She was concerned. She listed to me. She asked a lot of questions. She did a thorough exam. She said the fact that the infection is cleared up and I'm still in pain is a huge red flag for her. She didn't make me feel like I'm over-reacting. She said - what I said - pain = problem. You have to figure out the cause of the pain.
Sooooo... she did an ultrasound and some xrays and confirmed that I have kidney stones. Have. Present tense.
She gave me a stack of prescriptions to get me through the weekend. None of the stones are currently causing any blockages and they seem to be small enough to pass... not comfortably, but without surgery.
She scheduled a CT scan for next week to get a better look at things and then a follow up appointment next Friday.
Does anyone else hear the sound of the cash register?
It's only money, I guess.
My weekend plans are to rest... I have a friend coming to hang out tomorrow... and then Sunday is Jamie's baptism which I'm going to ... no matter what. I'm hoping I'll be able to get behind the scenes shots like i did with Sarabeth... and... I'm hoping that whatever needs to come out, will come out before Monday!
A girl can hope, right?

friday morning

Friday doesn't seem like such a big deal when you've missed a lot of work... but... I'm still glad it's Friday.
I worked THE WHOLE DAY yesterday. I was so nauseous on the way to work... in so much pain that I was in tears... and I just prayed my way through.
Other people are praying for me too. I don't care what anyone else thinks... I believe that prayer makes a difference.
You know... there are times when I start to feel alone in the universe... when things aren't necessarily BAD... they're just stagnant... and when things aren't going the way I think they should... and I wonder why God isn't giving in to all my whims and wishes... and I get a little rebellious and think, "what good is it to have a relationship with the Master of the Universe if my life is still so blah"...
And then... I go thru a time like this... and I realize that *something bigger than me* is holding it all together for me.
I didn't have the strength to work yesterday - at all - much less a whole day - and it happened. That wasn't by sheer force of will because I'm too weak for all that.
It was a big deal to me.
I guess... there are people who will apply some kind of agnostic logic to the situation and call it the power of positive thinking... but I've got to tell you... I wasn't thinking positive... I was whining and defeated and discouraged and hopeless. I was feeling really alone and... afraid... and unsure or which way to go... and I got an email from one of the girls in my bible study group... and the light came on in my head, "wait a minute... I'm not so much alone... "
I started my morning on the phone with my regular doctor... my infection is cleared up, the last urinalysis was clean... but I'm still in pain, significant, take your breath away kind of pain, in my back and I still am battling nausea - even though I'm not taking any meds (other than a pain pill after work). So my doctor's nurse said, "Dr. Parker thinks it's just an institial cystitis flare up at this point". Ok. SO why does my back hurt? She said, "I don't know". I said, "um. do we just ignore this pain and nausea?" She didn't have an answer.
I called my urologist. See... I was supposed to have a follow up cystoscopy in March of last year but I put it off. I wasn't having problems. I couldn't afford it. I didn't want to go through the pain (those things make you miserable for about a week afterwards). I said, "I've had an infection which appears to be cleared up... but I have this horrible back pain that started at the time of the infection and hasn't cleared up"... She wanted to review my chart and decide what to do.
So when I was at that point of... I just can't keep going... the urologist's nurse called back and said, "I think we need to see you..." And so I'm doing that today.
Am I alone in this... here's my conflict... I'm in pain, enough pain that it's affecting my quality of life... I'm nauseous and dizzy... that, to me, signals that something is wrong. But after two visits and numerous phone calls to my regular doctor, I'm basically just getting a "you should be fine"... I feel like she's not hearing me. YET... I don't want to go to any unnecessary expense... I don't want to be a hypochondriac... I have no idea if this back pain is still kidney pain... if it's in any way related... but I don't have any way of knowing which way to go with this. I feel like... just ignoring it... as if I could... rather than having to spend the time and money trying to do what my doctor should do...
And yes, I'm firing my doctor. The phone call yesterday did it for me. I'm going to call the office manager today and say, "I really feel like i haven't gotten good care"... it costs too much, I can't afford to keep going back for the same thing and have her treat the obvious things... and once she runs out of the obvious things, whether or not I feel good, she considers me healed.
I'm not willing to live at this quality of life. I need better.
And because I don't really have an "advocate"... you know, a significant other to go with me to the doctor and speak up for me and say, "this lady is really not well"... or go all Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment for me... when I don't FEEL WELL I don't have the energy to manage my own health care... to say to a doctor or a nurse... "you aren't answering my questions"... "what you did for me didn't make me better"...
And the flip side of that is I HATE MODERN MEDICINE. I don't want to be at their mercy. I don't want to take medication, have tests done, etc. Yet... I don't know what other path is available in the way of figuring out what's causing this pain and/or fixing it.
Here's the other thing... what was diagnosed as pleurisy is in the same general location as my current pain, same side, it's just that the pleurisy hurt on the front and this is on the back. I've had a lot of undiagnosed pain on that side. I pointed it out to my doctor when I had my physical back in September. I said, "I have a lot of pain here... " and pointed... and she said, "Hmmm... that could be a lot of things..." Ok. Like what?
If this post sounds like a dog chasing it's tail, that's because that's how my thoughts have been over the past few days.
So that's where I am today.
I had an odd thought yesterday... the "thing" I had taken off of my forehead in 2008 (you can see it in some of the old pictures on the sidebar) was the same shape as the things in my lungs. I wondered if those things were in any way related. Like... an odd growth of cells... that they have labeled a "granuloma" in my lungs... they called the thing on my head a "nebus sebaceous"... and the same thing in my sinus cavity is a benign cyst. I'm just lumpy.

Bitty is still missing. Rebellious brat.

Baryshnikov is 63. Wow. I wonder if he still dances.

We're expecting beautiful weather this weekend. I'm hoping I feel well enough to get out and soak up some sunshine.

And... that's all I've got for today. Have a good one, y'all. Keep praying.

thankful thursday... keep on living!

Since I know that Cyndi is waiting patiently for this morning's edition of the blog... I'll go ahead and get this entry written... *grin*.... I love my friends~!

It's been a trying time for me lately - as you well know because I whine and complain a lot. Yet, I'm completely honest when I tell you that my spirits are high this morning. I feel so much peace... and I think that's a precious gift, the ability to find peace in the midst of a storm. I'm thankful for that feeling... that although I'm tired... I'm not defeated.

I'm grateful for my job. My boss has been compassionate and concerned... my co-workers have been wonderful... nobody has been hateful to me about the time I've missed from work. It means the world to me... I know my absence has increased everyone's work load. It felt good to be back at work yesterday. I worked about 6 hours... eventually the pain brought me down. I sipped sprite zero to keep the nausea under control... but when I got to the point that I found myself STANDING at the computer because it hurt too much to sit... I knew I had to go. I was grateful to make it that long. I'm hoping to work the WHOLE day today.

My Bitty boy is such an ungrateful kitty... after that beautiful tribute to him yesterday...he somehow managed to slip out last night. It was super cold... below freezing... so I'm sure he's one miserable kitty right now... missing mommy's electric blanket. But he's a gypsy and he's an animal and although I yubs him... (love him, for those who don't speak kitty cat)... I know he's just doing what God created him to do. We can domesticate these fur babies only so far.

Stubby wants you to know that he is thankful this Thursday that he's once again an only child. Goofy boy has been doing happy streaks... living like a king... and honestly... I slept better last night without the boys fighting off and on all night.

My weight FINALLY went down yesterday... it was 182.5 yesterday morning... so it seems that the plateau is busted. Not being able to keep food down is a great diet trick. Just kidding. I don't recommend it. Actually... what I have been able to eat hasn't been the healthiest... when I'm nauseated I crave greasy and spicy food. I don't know why.

Yesterday morning started off really rough... just battling to find the strength to go to work was enough... but then Austin missed the bus. Yikes. I had to abandon the glam routine in the middle of the process and settled for a low bun yesterday. I fixed a protein drink to try to get some nutrition in me... (thanks Cyndi but I couldn't keep it down... one sniff and I was retching)... and then on the way to the school, Austin tipped over my big water mug and spilled water all down my car seat... I was sitting in a puddle of ice water the whole way to work. You know what I did when the water was spilled? I laughed. Yep. I laughed. My poor kid just knew I was gonna blow my top at him and I laughed. Because - really - you reach a point where you say, WHAT ELSE?

And of course, as my boss pointed out, things like not having cute hair and wearing a wet dress will keep you humble. Because... after all... I need a little humility in my life, right?

It just made it that much more precious when I was able to get home... slip into warm cozy clothes... take a little vicodin to ease the pain... and know that although I hadn't accomplished everything I wanted to during the day, I had accomplished/survived a lot. Two good friends texted to check on me... and I felt warm, safe, mellow and loved. God is good.

Today is the fifth anniversary of the death of my friend Natalie's husband, Michael. Michael was an incredible man of God who served Him with all his heart and soul... but Michael battled bi-polar disorder and the manic phases were out of control. Michael feared the impact of his disease on his wife and their beautiful daughter, Jorjanne... and so he chose to end his life. Natalie and Jorjanne are two of my favorite people in the world and a testimony to how you can take a tragedy and use it to make you better instead of bitter. I'm so blessed to have them in my life and I'm thankful for the example they live every day. Jorjanne wrote me a very sweet thank you note last year and I have it tacked to my fridge... I just love them so much!

It's such a small world... Jorjanne's teacher is a girl that I grew up with... two hours away in Riverdale... and not only did we grow UP together... we cheered together in 9th grade. When I figured this out and told Jorjanne she giggled... I mean... it's funny enough to think of Aunt Heather as a cheerleader but her TEACHER was a cheerleader? Too much!

I think ... what I'm most grateful for today... is that life does go on. No matter what gets thrown at us, whether illness or death of a loved one or something as simple as ice water down your dress on the way to work... life is going to go on regardless of our troubles. We have a choice to let those aggravations/disappointments/tragedies either get us down, keep us discouraged and defeated... or we can just. keep. going. I'm thankful today that I'm still going strong... and i hope that wherever you are, whatever you're facing... that you'll find something to be thankful for today.
Love and hugs!

Bitty's World

Our usual Whiny Wednesday post has been replaced this week with a peek into the fabulous, luxurious world of my fur baby, Itty Bitty Ferocious Kitty... he's crazy about the electric blanket... he is either ON it or under it about 90% of the time...

that is... when he's not on my lap... or curled up with me in any way he can possibly think of....

My feet on the recliner with a blanket over my legs... creates the perfect cat hammock...

and it's not enough for him to lay with me... he has to hold onto me...

I usually drape the electric blanket over the back of the recliner - like a nice big heating pad - and leave part of it on the bed for the kitties to cuddle on... Bitty's favorite activity is to submarine Stubby while he's on the blanket... and Stubby's favorite game is to play whack a mole!

Bitty is my constant companion... if I'm on the potty... he's beside me nibbling toilet paper. If I'm in the shower... he's on the side of the tub watching... if I am cooking... he climbs on the counter to watch (until I put him down)... he helps me load the dishwasher... helps me pick out my clothes in the morning... helps me put on makeup... he even supervises when I brush my teeth!

I'm feeling better today. I have figured out that if I don't take any meds at all, I have pain but no nausea. The pain is taxing but it's better than the nausea. I have to go to work. I just have to. I'm worried sick about getting fired... worried sick about this one illness (ok, this illness on top of the strep throat and flu and bronchitis that I've had over the past three months) will completely change my life. I'm trying to trust God... I mean... I did ask Him to show me His power... and since then, I've spent a week in horrible pain, unable to eat, unable to work... yep. He's still God. Make no mistake.

And what have I learned? Well... I'll say that my perspective has changed quite a bit. I was expending a lot of energy trying to find Mr. Right... and after the past week, that seems so unimportant. What matters most is being healthy... having the strength to do the things I need to do in the course of the day... and keeping a roof over our heads. I remember the last Epic Kidney Infection like this... and even though I was married at the time... it was just as bad - actually, it was worse. Being single didn't make it any worse... and that's my greatest fear, being sick and alone. And...well... I'm not alone... and I guess... ultimately... when I'm healthy and able to work and take care of my kid, my life isn't that bad.

Someone asked me if I thought I'd ever find love again... "settle down" again... I think is how it was put. Well. No, honestly, I don't think I'll ever find love again... and I'm as settled as I think I'm ever going to be. I still want the little cabin in the woods that is mine - all mine - and I want to be here, in the mountains, with the people who make life worth living. If at some point, God saw fit to bring into my life a person who could respect and compliment the life I have, that's great. I'm just not going to waste any more time wishing my life away or searching for that person.

I'm gonna get a shower and go to work. I appreciate your prayers and good wishes... it's not going to be easy.