friday... friday... friday... friday...

UPDATE: Just heard from the doctors office... they have me scheduled for an MRI next Friday.
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I was slow to get up this morning... meaning... instead of being wide awake at 5am... it took until 5:30 until I was awake and I didn't make coffee until 6am. Then there were a lot of "chores" to do on my farmville farm. It's ok, though... it gives me time to gather my thoughts.

That's what I like about thrift store shopping too, by the way... I love the slow process of sorting through racks and racks of clothes looking for the right sizes, looks, brands and price. I get lost in thought while I'm doing it.

I guess you could say... for the most part... I enjoy tasks that keep my hands busy while giving my mind time to wander. I have always said that I dislike talking on the phone because it's a uni-task... I have to devote myself to JUST that and it's too monotonous to me. It's a rare person who can hold my attention that completely.

I just noticed that when I stopped to pet Stubby the 3legged WonderCat, he locked eyes with me... he stared into my eyes. You would think that the animal instinct would be to look at the part of the body that is petting them... to focus on that... but he looked into my eyes... how do animals know to do that? How do they know that my eyes are what I use to see? How could they be that evolved? Have you ever thought about it?

One of the side effects of the medication they have me on is that I will sometimes get "gooseflesh"... and cold chills. The first time it happened I thought it was an adrenaline type response... but then it kept happening at odd times. It's bizarre.

Yesterday, again, was a painful day. I made it the whole day at work... it was an act of sheer will. Good thing I'm stubborn. My tolerance for BS decreases as the pain increases... I've got to work on that. It's not enough to be there... I have to be there at the same level I would be minus the pain. It's a process. I'm learning to live with it.

I called my doctor yesterday morning at 8:30 to discuss my concern about the after effects of physical therapy. I didn't get a call back. I plan to call this morning and pitch a fit. The last time I saw her, I explained my frustration at not being able to receive any feedback or care unless I make an appointment and pay for an office visit. Some of this follow up, stuff that we've discussed, should be handled by a phone call. They've gotten plenty of money out of me/my insurance company this year. I was TOLD to just call and let her know if the physical therapy caused more pain or any problems. I did... and I got no response. That's unacceptable. I wouldn't have minded a phone call at the end of the day... it wasn't life or death... but the same day, at least.

Austin is spending the weekend at the annual Discipleship Now retreat that they have in this area... it combines the youth groups from several local churches for a weekend of worship services, small group bible study and service projects. He really enjoys it and I think it's good for him to connect with his youth group, with Godly kids and with his community. I'm glad for a break from having to worry about him...

By the time I work all week... my back pain accumulates to the point that it takes all weekend to recover. It feels like my vertebrae are collapsing on each other... and if I can just raise my shoulders high enough and extend my back far enough, I could relieve the pressure. Once the pressure builds... the pain spreads, first to muscles on the lower left side of my back, then down into my left hip, up into my arms - to the point that any movement of my arms at all is painful, and gradually it wraps around to my thighs, down into my feet... then muscle spasms... it's crazy how well I've learned the pattern. The lidoderm patch will lessen the feeling of the pressure for a few hours but it doesn't eliminate the secondary effects, like the muscle pain... ibuprofen will take the edge off the pain when it spreads... but once I get to the point of muscle spasms, nothing helps except heat and being in my "recliner" position. That's what happens when I sit. When I lay down... the pain seems to collect in my left hip, regardless of what side I sleep on.

(and I wrote the last paragraph as much for myself, to be able to remember the progression of this thing... as to whine and complain as I KNOW you must surely be tired of hearing about it!)

Like I told my dad yesterday... there goes my lifelong goal of performing with the Cirque du Soleil. Ha!

So... anyways... that's the story for today... in just 12 short hours from now, I will have completed a full day of work, successfully deposited my child into the custody of wonderful, Godly people and I will be back in my nest, and can let my back start to recover... in order to do it all over again next week. It's a vicious cycle... but it's what I've got for now.

Love and hugs, y'all...

a bonus entry ...

A little bonus philosphy on a curly haired Thursday. Yep. I've given in to the curls today... easy glam routine... got time to share a few extra thoughts with you...

There's no limit to what you can accomplish if you don't care who gets the credit.

If you really want to do something, there's nothing that can stop you. If you really DON'T want to do something, there's nothing that can make you.

You can never get enough of the things you don't really need.

If someone doesn't return your calls, it means they don't want to talk to you.

You can't know someone well enough to marry them in two or three months. Trust me on this.

I chopped an apple to go in with my oatmeal this morning and it hurt. A person should be able to do those type chores without pain. I'm just sayin'...

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Don't drive on the wrong side of the road. Ever.

Space heaters are too risky. Use an extra blanket instead.

My cat starts crying when I put on stockings. He knows it means I'm leaving.

My lounge wear is ready for this evening... time for me to put on a little war paint and head into the office.

Happy day!

yep. it's thursday.

Physical Therapy is the bane of my existance. I mean... really... I wasn't optimistic to start with and maybe that's part of the problem... but three times I've been and all three times I've left with numbness in my left foot. That ... to my Google Trained Medical Mind... spells nerve damage. Something is NOT quite right. Pain is a bad sign but I'm used to pain. Numbness is a whole new world. It just makes me leery of continuing until we know exactly what's going on.

Austin is trying, bless his heart. And if you're not from the South... I should tell you that "bless your heart" is southern for "why are you so stupid?" He just doesn't get it. I mean... he's going thru the motions. I can tell that he listened to some of what I have been harping about over the past week. But... still... thinks that his minimal and relatively new efforts should be rewarded with a total pardon for prior indiscretions. Oh, son, I wish life were that simple.

The cat just smelled up the whole house with a trip to the litter box. The litter box is on the farthest side of the house from where I am and it smells like he did it right here beside me.

How do you spell the name of the Libyan dictator? And - is there anyone else out there who gets so distracted by his unnaturally jet black hair and cartoon like appearance that you can't pay attention to anything they're saying about him? Does he dye his hair? I mean... let that visual sink in... this 70-something dictator with his head over the sink and jet black hair dye smudging his temples with a towel slung around him... if you wanted to oust him, seems like you just need to get in through his colorist.

If gay men ruled the world they would think of things like that.

It's Thankful Thursday and so far, all I have for you today is that I'm thankful that it's Thursday. I'm in a good mood... peaceful... content... I've got the feeling back in my foot, so that's nice... I'm on heat so the back pain is mitigated... but I'm not in a list making kind of mood.

My coffee was good this morning. There's that. Last night I went ahead and put the grounds and the water in the coffee maker so this morning I just had to flip a switch... I was thankful for that, for sure. I don't know why I don't do that more often. It's almost as if... by not preparing things for the next morning... I'm pretending that I don't have to do anything the next day. But you can be certain that before I leave for work every day, I lay out my pjs so I can slip right into them when I get home...

I'm still tracking my food every day on Weight Watchers online. I'm still eating on plan. I've used more of my extra points this week than usual... a little hersheys kiss indiscretion... and my weight is the same that it's been for the past three months. I'm not sure if I should be frustrated at the plateau or excited about maintaining. It depends on my mood.

At physical therapy yesterday I saw a different therapist - Paige instead of Pam. Pam came over and asked how my pain had been this week... I told her how miserable I was all day Tuesday and she was trying to help me figure out if I had done anything different that would have increased the pain. I love Pam, I really do... she's a precious soul... but... honestly, the only thing I did differently was Physical Therapy. THAT'S what made me stinking hurt so bad. She said, "you're not walking are you?"... and I know she means, as in, for exercise, because I'm not cleared to do that. Yet. But it struck me funny... because ... my smart alec gut response was, "No, I've been flying, just like you told me"...

Of course I'm walking. *eyeroll* And everyone wants to focus on my posture at my office and whether there is lumbar support in my chair. I have a cadillac of a desk chair. It's awesome, comfy, cozy, nice... but... because I'm 5'2 and have short legs, I do what I have done all my life, I sit on the edge of the chair. Lumbar support makes no nevermind in my world. So then the next question is "how is your posture?" And the answer is... great until my back starts hurting and then I'm laid over like a corpse.

I guess the frustrating thing for me is the mentality that I'm somehow to blame for this pain... and if I would just "straighten up and fly right"... pun not intended but... impossible to avoid... that my pain would disappear. I take responsibility for my pain in that I know I've been overweight/obese most of my adult life and I know that I've worn my back down by asking it to do more than it was designed to do. I mean... pick up something that weighs 100 pounds and carry it around with you everywhere you go for 25 years and let me know how you feel. BUT... whatever we're doing in PT that leaves me with no feeling in my left foot for hours afterwards and leaves me in agony the next day is NOT fixing the problem, in my opinion... and trying to blame my office chair just isn't realistic. I've had a desk job all my life... I've had back pain for six weeks. It makes no sense.

I love Stuart Varney. I'm sorry... I know a lot of you hate Fox News but me... I love Fox and Friends. They make me happy. Especially when all of the first string is in together.

My cat is fat.

Austin saw Bitty roaming the neighborhood yesterday. He wouldn't come to Austin when he called him and he was too fast for Austin to catch. But he's still alive and he's apparently enjoying his new lifestyle. Durn Tomcat.

I hate the commercials for "the Villages".

Funny story... some of our clients have "cabins" here in the mountains but maintain primary residences elsewhere. I was discussing a deductible on one of those "cabins" with a client the other day... a $365,000 cabin... and when I suggested a one percent deductible (the best price point, btw)... they readily agreed, commenting that they carry a 20,000 deductible on their home in Florida. That was my first clue. They mentioned that they were buying new home in Jacksonville and asked if I could recommend a State Farm agent there... well, of course I could... I told them all about my awesome Whitney-gurl... got the address for the house they're purchasing and emailed Whitney to get the ball rolling. When I gave her the address, she told me it was a "really nice neighborhood"... that was my second clue. Whitney called, got the specifics and then emailed me back and told me to look for the house on the internet. Um... yeah... just a little 1.8 million dollar home.

The real irony here is that I may have a conversation with one person with that sort of outrageous wealth one minute... and in the next conversation I may be talking with someone who is having trouble keeping up a monthly account on a twenty year old vehicle. I always say that my job requires a lot of improv. I have to switch gears often... and honestly... I have to change my accent from time to time... sometimes you'll hear me speaking very proper, sometimes I sound absolutely hick. I think if I ever change jobs, I'm going to list my dialects on my resume. I also do a really good Jewish mother accent.

I had a conversation yesterday with a client who is originally from South Jersey... we talked about the history of Georgia and how the original settlers were a boat load of rejects from the debtors prisons. I laughed and told her that's why I tell people that my family came over on the SECOND boat... not the first. Ironically... my ancestors on the Gant side were in New Jersey. Many of them are buried there. I only pull that info out when necessary.

Anyways... not much of a traditional Thankful Thursday post but I am thankful. and it is Thursday. Have a good one.

it's a wonderful Wednesday

This morning I'm just sick.
Physically sick... with what I hope is just a little upset stomach that will right itself in time for me to leave for work in two hours.
Sick from worry... about Austin, about a friend who is carrying a burden that is far heavier than she deserves...
Sick and tired. Tired of this back pain... tired of talking about it, tired of feeling it, tired of it curtailing my activities and running my life.
Yesterday I hurt all day. I started the day in pain and by the end of the work day I could barely walk.
Austin missed the bus yesterday morning so I didn't have a smooth morning. It wasn't TRAGIC... it was just frustrating.
After work when I came home he had worked really hard. His room looked better than it has in ... ever... and he had done several loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen. He was trying.
He asked if he could borrow my phone to text a friend. I agreed.
He even grilled a piece of chicken for me to eat for dinner.
I ate. I took the muscle relaxers that I *try* not to take often. They lose their efficacy if you use them too much and there are times that my back is in spasms and they're the only thing that helps. I knew I needed them yesterday.
I took the neurontin that helps by stopping the nerve transmissions to the brain, it eases the pain but isn't as strong as a narcotic pain reliever. The goal is to not use narcotics because of the risk of dependency.
BUT ... that combination of drugs makes me sleepy. And, having not slept much Monday night, I was already exhausted.
I was alseep before 9pm.
I woke up at 11pm thinking I had just had a full night's sleep... it was actually a few minutes before 11... I went to check my cellphone to see if I had missed any texts.
It was missing. Did Austin still have it? I went to check with him. He was missing.
No phone in the house. No way to call him. I posted a facebook status for someone who had my phone number to try to reach him. Purple Michael and Crunch & Munch were the two to respond.
PM found him at Tasha's. She was crying, Austin had allegedly gone to check on her.
She's a drama queen and she controls him by telling him she's upset.
I'm over her.
At this point I found out that a friend I've considered a kindred spirit is going thru a very Darby like situation with some extra, very tragic circumstances.
My heart broke for her... my rebellious child and back pain seemed like such a small thing in comparison.
She was one I had sort of stopped praying for... I mean... her dreams had come true, she had found her happily ever after... she was ok now.
Except... like me... her happily ever after turned out to be really, just a fairy tale. It wasn't real. He broke her heart. He nearly broke her.
God, however, is faithful. He protects those of us who follow the wrong path and find ourselves abandoned within the ruins of our dreams. She will be ok... but I am so, so sad that she has to go thru this.
Yesterday Austin met with his life coach. See... this Christian Learning Center that he's participating in... where they are transported off the high school campus for one class period a day for Christian instruction... one of the services they provide is a life coach. Austin's youth pastor, Jamie, is his.
So many wonderful people in our community who don't just talk a big talk... they walk with you. Austin respects Jamie. Jamie will be an awesome influence in Austin's life. We are blessed and I don't take that for granted.
And I don't take for granted the fact that I can send up an SOS at 11pm and have two people answer the call in less than a minute... from near and far to find my child... and I can have comfort and counsel of others in a few brief moments... from Georgia, Louisiana, California... this global community is a blessing for me.
People like me who might otherwise feel alone in the world... notsomuch... I'm held fast within the grasp of a love I can't explain... from a God who I can't see but know is there... by people who care beyond what I deserve who support me beyond what I can repay... and it gets me through a lot of stuff that I might not otherwise survive.
I don't take it for granted. I know I'm blessed.
So... if you read this and you think "wow, she's going thru a lot"... know that I wouldn't trade this bullet riddled, potholed, bumpy ride of a life for smooth sailing... because then I would never know what I know.
And I would never wish troubles on anyone... but I will always wish that you know this peace, this comfort...
Have a Wonderful Wednesday.
love and hugs.

newsday tuesday - the one where I talk about unions

If this was a Friends episode, we could call this, "The One Where I Come Out as Anti-Union"...

Maybe it's because I live in the south... I never really understood the need for unions in modern day America. Yes, I understand their past importance...

One of the stories in history that fascinates me most is the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire that happened almost exactly one hundred years ago. (google it...it's a tragedy on par with the Titanic). At that time... there was a desperate need for labor laws, labor unions, protection for workers.

I'm sorry. I think those days are past. If you disagree, convince me otherwise. I just know that *from what I've seen* union demands negatively impact the economy. I watched the unions effectively shut down Eastern Airlines in the 80's. Unions have forced companies to send business overseas. Unions are keeping the students of Wisconsin from receiving an education.

That's just my opinion. I've never belonged to a union and I have always been just as employed as I wanted and deserved to be. I've always contributed to my own health insurance premiums. I've always contributed to my own retirement... or lack thereof. My job is not guaranteed... it is performance based. I believe every job should be.

WHAT IF... the teachers in Wisconsin contributed their union dues to their retirement instead of to the bloated, unnecessary union? Maybe... just maybe... that state could balance their budget. I don't know enough about Wisconsin economics to know how much waste there is in that budget. I imagine it's typical of any state budget... lots of room to trim waste... maybe there are some cheese and beer benefits that ought to be cut. I don't know. I just know that states, unlike the US Government, can't print their own money... when they run out, they run out. Everyone has to tighten their belts and stop expecting a free ride. Not that teachers aren't deserving of compensation... but... compensation like any other worker... so that they can continue to be employed.

I mean... maybe I oversimplify things... but isn't it better for 100 people to be employed where they all contribute a little bit toward their benefits and maybe make a few concessions toward "management"... rather than 50 people being employed with the Cadillac employment benefits? Am I missing something?

I just think back to when I worked for Kathy in Jacksonville. There was a downturn in the industry... her agency income decreased... she had to make some tough decisions... and rather than fire a person... she had me and another person basically do a job share. I still kept my benefits and my regular salary... I just worked fewer hours per paycheck. (and still made more than I make now but that's beside the point).

Something, somewhere has got to give. We want lower taxes. We want people to have jobs. We want to allow people to be contributing members of society. We have built an economy that can no longer sustain the promises that were made by previous members of the legislature (in Wisconsin, many other states and the federal government). DO we blame the current legislatures that are working to correct the problem or do we blame the people who made promises they couldn't keep?

Anyways... that's just what I think.
I did my second round of Physical Therapy yesterday and it stunk. It just stinking hurts. I had muscle spasms in my back all night. I didn't take the meds last night - just on a whim - and woke up shortly before midnight and realized my little heathen wasn't at home. He doesn't have his phone so he's trying to make it difficult on me... I texted Zach (the one who didn't have a wedding night) and Tasha the Troublemaker/Drama Queen to see who was harboring the fugitive. She was forthright enough to admit he was there but sleeping peacefully... could he just stay? I said nope... have him meet me in the driveway in two minutes. She said, "he rode his bike, can he just ride it home?" At midnight? No ma'am!

I rode over there in pain but thanking God that I didn't take the meds and therefore could drive... but cursing the kid who puts me in a position where I have to be out driving at midnight. It's ridiculous.

This morning... searing pain in my lower back... spreading across the back... and yes, Mary, I will call my doctor today and ask what we can do about steroids. It makes me cringe... the thought of steroid driven weight gain... but if it will help, I will do it. She may defer to the neurosurgeon. I mean... I'm not giving up on Physical Therapy but I just don't think it should hurt the way it does. I kept saying, "this really hurts... " "should this hurt here?" "I am having a lot of numbness in my left leg"... and I love Pam... she's a precious lady... but she wanted me to keep going. I'm just not sure that's the best course of action.

It's sixty degrees here this morning. Crazy weather.

It's gonna be a long day... I'm cranky... I'm in pain... I'm aggravated with my kid... but I'm alive, awake, have a job to go to, have a car to get me there, have food in the pantry and money in the bank. It could be worse, right?

Have a good one, y'all. Love and hugs.

reasons to love Monday

I love my weekends so much... partly because I'm such a free spirit that punching a time clock is counterintuitive to me... (although we don't have an ACTUAL time clock, but you get the point)... and partly because I am physically uncomfortable at work. BUT... as long as I'm gainfully employed, I can provide a better life for myself and Austin. I don't take that for granted... and although I love my weekends... I can always find reasons to love Monday!

1. The weather here has been beautiful lately... it improves your mood, makes you smile at strangers, allows you to be in the great outdoors, makes lunch break so much more pleasant. I love the weather we're having... even on Monday.

2. There are no teenagers at my office. The occasional teen that comes through is either paying a bill or just starting to drive. They come to me sort of meek and mild and awed by this great responsibility/priviledge before them. I don't have to put up with any teens texting me with profane language... none of the teens that comes to my office calls me ugly names. It's a rebellious teen free zone.

3. Got child support yesterday evening... nine days late... but it came... and it came with a promise of more this coming weekend. Piecing my budget together bit by bit... but it does come together. God is good.

4. I was finally able to get the lidoderm pain patches that my doctor prescribed. Their cost before insurance? $289 for 30. Because I've hit my deductible now... they cost $21. The HOPE is that they will relieve the pain in my back without altering me... they're a topical anesthetic... I gave them a test run on Saturday night and... eh... I'm not sure they take away a lot of the pain but even if they take the edge off. Ibuprofen also helps take the edge off so maybe the combo will work for me.

5. Wow for the encouragement I got last night. Truly, what satan means for my harm, God uses for my good. Between the drama with Austin and the ugly comment that was left... I had some serious warfare against me... but God's people are stronger... they are faithful... they are consistent... and the voices speaking encouragement were louder than the whispers of discouragement. I can face Monday knowing that a lot of good people have my back.

6. I will never forget the prayer that I prayed on the day this back trouble started... I said, "Lord, show me your power in a mighty way... " and He has. Be careful what you pray for. WOULD I have prayed that if I had known what would happen in my life immediately after? The truth of the matter is that this was coming no matter what the attitude of my heart. Allowing God to show me His power through it just gives ME the power to deal with things in the right way. Having that power is reason enough to love Monday. Or any day.

7. I went to the grocery store on Saturday morning and have great picnic supplies on hand for my sunny car picnic today. I've got a few great books that I'm enjoying... I've got a spring in my step... it's all good.

8. Physical therapy attempt number two is scheduled for today. Again... having met my deductible, the cost for this is affordable for me. I'll have to take a short lunch since I'm leaving early... but I'll get to have that electrical stimulation and warm moist heat that feels. so. good. Less time sitting, less stress on my back today.

It's gonna be a great Monday, y'all. I've got a lot of people who love me and support me. I'm not defined by the things people say about me... be it a disgruntled teenageer or a disgruntled blog reader. I write this blog and I write my own life story - hopefully with a little guidance from above. God is good. Monday, like any other day, is in His hands... as is my life and my kids' lives.

Sometimes I just don't understand...

Here's one of the comments I got after my emotional blog earlier today about the problems I was having with Austin:

sheri said...
Maybe you need to spend less time in your nest and more time making Austin do what he is supposed to do.My son has aspergers syndrome also. I know exactly what it's like having a special needs child. That does not give them the right to be disrespectful. Being a single mom is not an excuse either. I've raised my son alone most of his life. And if he doesn't know anything else, he knows he can not be disrespectful.He is now 24, has graduated and held a job for 3 years until the business closed.I'm sure you will block me after this post and that's okay..I have been reading your blog since you were engaged. I've found most of your entries interesting.Although,I do have to say that you should have been able to help yourself a bit more financially.(pre-back problems). There is such a thing as taking on a part time job. Been there done that.On your blog you've asked why you get the visitors but only a few comments..well, could it be that you don't take the time to acknowledge some of the people that do comment? I would be one of those people. I was interested in your life until I finally realized that you are a writing snob. If someone doesn't interest you, you disregard them. I'll consider myself disregarded and stay off your blog..Maybe that's something you should consider. Staying off your blog and out of your nest and helping your son become a respectful young man.. Keep in mind that how a man treats his mother is a sign of how he will treat his wife.Sheri
February 20, 2011 7:35 PM

I always love it when people think they know me just by reading my blog... when they think that what I write about in the blog is every single second of every day... when they think that the little sliver of recap I give each day tells them everything they need to know to be able to judge me. As if I have written every single interaction I've had with my children... every single activity I ever do... enough to assume that if I don't talk about it here, it didn't happen. I write about the things that are remarkable... therefore I wouldn't write about the time that Austin and I spend together every day... because it happens EVERY DAY. It's always been interesting to me when other parents try to evaluate my success or failure as a parent based on one child with Asperger's... especially coming from another parent of an Aspie kid... they are as different as night and day. My kid has certain things that he fixates on, certain abilities and capabilities... but respect toward authority isn't one of them. I'm certain that her child has strengths thatmy child doesn't... and vice versa. But... I never entered parenting as a competitive sport. And I certainly would never dream of attacking a parent of a differently abled child because they have failed to do something as well as their child does.

Ditto for finances... yes, you would think it would have been different but you haven't walked the path I've walked. In one breath you lambast me for not spending enough time with my child... and in the other you say I should have worked a part time job in addition to the 50 hours a week I'm already away from home. Well... I understand your confusion because it's mine as well. there are definite benefits to having extra income but at what cost to my child? When we lived closer to the city there were several things I could - and did - do as a second and third source of income. I've always worked hard. One thing my near death experience taught me was that I have to have physical and mental rest to be able to keep going. Perhaps you've never dealt with recovery from an attempted suicide. Perhaps you don't understand the depths of depression you have to pull yourself out of. I knew that for me to be healthy spiritually and emotionally, I couldn't allow myself to be run down physically. That was the choice I made for my child and myself... and of course... you can sit back and read a five minute recap of my life every day and think you know every struggle I've ever been through... but you don't.

Apparently... this lady has an ax to grind because she commented at some point without getting the proper acknowledgement from me. I certainly wouldn't have intentionally ignored her... and although I can at times be what I refer to as an "extroverted hermit" - meaning that I'm outgoing but don't like to be OUT going - I work really hard to be friendly and kind in real life. Sometimes I don't have time to put as much thought and effort into responding to everything that is ever said on my blog (again... she can't decide if she wants me to spend more time with my child or spend more time working or spend more time responding to comments)... but sometimes, truthfully, I don't have a RESPONSE to every comment...

People like this make me want to climb into my nest and never come out again. I hope she felt better after unloading on me. For me... it was just a rotten cherry on what was already a really rotten Sunday.