thankful for Hope. Capital H.

Thankful today that Thursday has come quickly this week. I hate to wish my life away but every day gets me closer to an answer/resolution to this pain I've lived with for seven weeks.

I have a new appreciation for people who live with chronic pain. It is either a character building experience or a character wrecking experience. I pray that I am the former.

I got another letter from my grandmother this week and that really boosted my resolve. She sees me as a strong woman of faith who handles the challenges set before her. I am determined to prove her right.

I don't feel particularly strong... I just keep getting up in the morning and... most days... doing the best I can at the things I need to do... and I keep praying that my feeble efforts are enough.

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Sometimes... just being present in this life is what we're called today. I'd rather be ten feet tall and bullet proof but I'll settle for 5'2 and wrapped in the bubble wrap of prayers of righteous people... effective and fervent prayer.

Truly... I am carried on the wings of prayer. People tell me they're praying for me... and I realize that means different things to different people. I respect them all. For some... "I'm praying for you" is just a greeting like, "How are you?"... for others... prayer comes in a blanket wish offered heavenward... "God bless all my friends and family"... and others truly implore their Creator on your behalf. I've been all three at different times and I know that God honors the intent of the heart but... how precious are those who truly humble themselves before a God they genuinely believe in... believing that not only CAN He change the situation, but based upon their petitions before Him, He WILL change it.

And I'll say it again for the non-believers... if I get to the end of my life and find that all this God stuff was just a wish... then I will have still enjoyed a much richer life by believing and surrounding myself with others who have a similar Hope. Capital H. For that is what He is to me. Hope.

I got my hair cut yesterday. Chin length. Photos ... soon. I love it!

I even got my eyebrows waxed so ... I don't look like a muppet with a unibrow.

New uses for my digital camera: my sister in law Angie needed to see something on her back yesterday so I took a picture and showed her.

The funny thing was... we were at church... in the fellowship hall... and I was digging up underneath of her shirt. I know people are thinking, "what are those Gant Girls doing?" teehee.

Red Flag Guy got me a magazine subscription to Mother Earth News. It's about gardening. I almost bought myself a copy the other day... so I was really touched that he did that.

I haven't talked to him since he got serious with someone. Just figured it was for the best that I leave him be.

Plus... I mean... I just haven't felt all chatty and stuff. Not even with guys who are available and actually interested in me. Not that there are many of those. Not that I particularly care at the moment. The only guy I'm interested in is the one who can take away my pain. Other than that... eh. Right now, all my energy is focused on survival. I don't have the strength to entertain folks.

Sarabeth and Jamie both approved of my haircut. Sarabeth said, "now we look just alike!"

I love my girls.

While I was waiting in line for dinner at church, she stood with me and intertwined her fingers in mine. There are times that I feel like those two girls are my best friends. They truly offer me unconditional love.... angels on earth, they are.

She even made an effort to speak up and respond to the ladies who were serving dinner. It's so hard for Sarabeth to get past her shyness... and, just like with her daddy when he was a child, I want to speak for her when she doesn't feel confident to do so... but in doing so... I make it harder for her to learn it's not *that bad* to speak up for yourself. I so very much want her to find her voice... she has so many wonderful thoughts, ideas, feelings... bubbling up inside her... I want her world to hear how amazing she really is, the way that I do.

I made it through about half of bible study last night. I wanted to stay... Beth Moore is just so awesome... I could listen to her talk for days...

I left when I lost feeling in my left foot. I tried standing but ... even then... I was in a lot of pain. My pain changes based on my position. When I'm sitting up straight, it feels like my vertebrae are collapsing on each other... and if I could just get my shoulders lifted high enough, then I could fix it but then I get muscle spasms in my upper back. If I lean over to give my upper back a rest, the lower back feels like it could burst thru my skin. If I'm standing... or walking... I feel pain in my hip and rear end. If I sit too long, I lose feeling in my left leg and foot. Other times, I have muscle spasms that hit from mid back down through my rear... painful muscle spasms. There is no comfortable position but the least painful is reclined...

From the "it's a small world" file... there was a new lady in bible study last night... and ironically... her daughter went to high school with me. The ironic thing is that my high school is an hour and a half away from where i live now and... i mean, come on... I graduated from high school 25 years ago. It's not like it was down the street five years ago. She was a really sweet lady and I hope she'll come back. Our class is growing... from a core group of four... last night we had seven...

I'm doing good with my effort to send more snail mail... I sent three cards out on Tuesday and I sent three letters out yesterday. Ok. One of those was the tag renewal that my dad pays for... but still... I wrote another long letter to my Steel Magnolias. Such an easy thing... I type fast and compose letters quickly... and it brings joy to them. Why not write?

I made my coffee last night... fixed the coffee pot so all I had to do was flip the switch. Thursday morning Heather was grateful for Wednesday Night Heather's foresight.

I'm worried about fixing my hair today... adjusting to the new, shorter cut.

This morning I'm really dizzy... I think it's side effects from the neurontin. I hate this feeling.

I can't help but wonder, though, if God is preparing me for something. I have the feeling of being on the precipice of a different season in life. Ever get that feeling? Like an expectant mother in her ninth month... I just have a sense that something is about to change.

At any rate... I am blessed, loved, treasured... I have great faith in a God who loves me and has plans for my life... I have incredible friends and family and I know that all things in my life can be used for my good and God's glory if I just allow it.

Hope you are feeling Hope this morning too. Love and hugs!

it's not your birthday

I want to fill my life with people who are more than wedding/funeral/reunion type people.
I want to fill my life with people who are more than birthday/holiday type people.
I want a life FULL of everyday, ordinary, “just because it’s Tuesday” kind of people.
Those are the relationships I crave… the memories I want to make…
Not that the birthday greetings and Christmas cards and such aren’t precious… but I can’t even begin to tell you how much more precious every little “just because” is to me.
I think about how much richer my relationship with my nieces has become because we have an ordinary, everyday relationship. I know so much more about them… I know their friends… I know what flavor gum they like… I know which side of the car they like to sit on (Jamie on the drivers side because she likes to ride with the window down and Sarabeth on the passenger side because that window doesn’t roll down in the back). We have inside jokes, even now, as young as they are!
You know… there are so many things that *unless you blog everyday like me* you don’t mention in conversation. There just isn’t enough time to catch up with people on holidays. Or at reunions. Or funerals.
I didn’t know until a few months ago that my daddy doesn’t eat shrimp. How did I go my whole life without knowing that?
I love facebook because it gives me so many more "everyday" relationships. It helps me know the mundane, boring things that would probably never come up in those rare times I come in contact with people who are distant -in miles or in years.
I get to see what my first cousin once removed is doing.. i think that's awesome.
When I think back on my most precious memories with my kids… they aren’t the straight A report cards… or the big birthday parties… or the touchdowns… the best memories are the Saturday morning breakfasts with Cody… singing along to show tunes in the car with Austin… the times that Ryan calls to chat because he’s bored… those are the things that matter most.
There are times, even now, even though we’ve not lived under the same roof for 25 years, that my brother and I will exchange a whole paragraph of information with just a glance. That comes from a lot of everyday time spent when we were younger.
When Austin had to write an essay for his State writing assessment about a period in time he would choose to go to if he could travel in time… he picked the year 2000… because this was the time that his brothers both still lived at home with him. Amazing, isn’t it? He misses those every day relationships. I do too.
I've decided to send a lot more snail mail. I've decided to send "it's not your birthday" cards. I've decided to be more intentional in those uncelebratory events.
The Lord has seen fit to fill my life with people who are interested in what happens to me... people who care about me... people who actually WANT to hear from me...
My nest may be growing empty... but the longer I live, the fuller my life becomes.
I'm not going to miss that blessing.
The Lord saw fit to give me a talent to write... good handwriting... and a tender heart toward those who are hurting or lonely.
I want to use those skills more.
Send me your address and I'll send you something. I've got lots of stamps leftover from Christmas... I want to use them.
And I hope you'll return some of those "it's not your birthday" greetings.
Love and hugs!

three topics that all lead to a fourth... newsday tuesday

Topic #1: What does love look like?
Stasha's boyfriend, A.J. posed the question on facebook... and it made me realize that love looks a lot different to me now than it did when I was 20 years younger.
Love stays. Love goes the distance. It isn't as pretty as I thought it was all those years ago.
Love is dirty diapers and spit up. It's sitting up with a sick child at night. It's waiting up for a wandering child. It's praying for a wayward child.
Love is cleaning up the kitchen for a sick wife. It's a lack of judgement. It's not a belief that everything they do is perfect... it's loving them despite the knowledge that they are very imperfect.
When I would tell Darby I loved him... most of the time he would respond with, "you don't know what love is"... I spent two and a half years trying to prove that I did... and in the end, I realized that I knew... and he didn't.
Love is sacrifice... quiet sacrifice...
I thought I understood love... because I had romance... but then, the first time they placed my newborn son in my arms... I realized what love was.

Topic #2 The mistakes Charlie Sheen is making that we all make... in one way or another. I've been watching Charlie Sheen's "I am not an addict" press tour with disgust and sadness. He just doesn't get it. He's messing up his own life... breaking his father's heart... keeping dozens of people out of work... failing as a father and role model... and he's so rebellious and defiant about it. Yesterday as I was seething with disgust... listening to his foolish words... I heard myself saying those same words and I was humbled... tell me that you haven't at some time in your life done some or all of the following:
defied the counsel of people who were wiser than you...
stubbornly persisted on a path that was harmful to yourself and others...
delighted in your rebellion...
celebrated your independence...
blamed everyone but yourself for your disappointments...
looked for people to validate your deceptive point of view...
used money/power/influence to get your way...
For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. I'm listening to Charlie with renewed interest and searching my own heart for those same sentiments. My failures may not be cocaine and sex filled partying... but they are still there... and they still prevent me from being all that I could be.

Topic #3 Birthdays... my Auggie Doodle is 17 today. It feels like he should be turning 34... it has been such a long, lonely journey with him. I have stood by his side through Poop Picasso's, broken windows, accusations (both false and true), failures, abuse, disappointment, discouragement... I have watched his precious heart give away his bicycle to a man who needed a way to get to work... I have watched him generously prepare food for his friends... I have watched him love in a capacity that far surpassed what *I thought* he was able to do. He is devout, stubborn, persistent, unwaivering. He is the one who has stayed by my side when everyone else in the world walked away. He is my greatest challenge and also my greatest blessing.

Today is also the birthday of my friend Amy. I met Amy when we lived in Woodstock. She ran a little mortgage company that shared office space with our State Farm office. She was ... quirky... witty... goofy... she can always make me laugh. We share some of the best private jokes of my lifetime. She stood by me during a very uncertain and unstable time in my life... and when the wheels came off the apple cart, she was there to help me put the apples back in. When I left Michael and had to rebuild a life here with nothing but my cast iron skillet, my bible and my clothes... she gave me the entire inventory of her mama's kitchen. Her mom had passed away a few months before and Amy had mama's kitchen boxed up and in her garage... she unselfishly gave me everything... hundreds of dollars of dishes, pots and pans.... Happy birthday, Vicky Lynn! Come up and see me!

I don't know how much store I put in the whole astrological thing... but it's ironic to me that two of the most precious people in my life, the two Amys that I have worked with... have birthdays on the same days as two of my kids... Amy from Bruce's office shares a birthday with Ryan, and Amy from Holly Springs shares a birthday with Austin. Maybe it's just coincidence...

Anyways... Topic #4.... the pain never let up last night.... muscle spasms kept waking me up during the night. I'm tired. I'm struggling... but I'm also determined. Yesterday was a really intense day at work. I was working on a lot of labor intensive projects and there were a lot of interruptions, system problems, aggravations... and yet... I left work thinking, "this was a good day". Sometimes... every once in awhile... we find the ability to rise above our circumstances... and it is a greater sense of accomplishment than closing a huge deal... it is the triumph of the human spirit... the presence of the Holy Spirit... the courage to press on even when the road gets tough... this, dear, A.J. is what love looks like... this, my friends is the lesson learned through Charlie Sheen, this is what makes birthdays so precious... knowing that we have persevered another day... another season in life... another year.

My prayer for you today is that you find the strength to rise above your circumstances. Love and hugs.

reasons to love Monday

There's a weather front heading our way and I'm feeling it... apparently the Lord saw fit to make me a human barometer... not just by giving me naturally curly (frizzy) hair... but also with a tendency for barometric migraines (which I have now) and the arthritis in my back. I can barely move this morning... and it's Monday... but despite my potential for a bad hair day, I'm going to try to find reasons to love Monday again this week...

1. With gas prices rising by the minute... gas is cheaper today than it will be next week.

2. I had a much, MUCH more peaceful weekend this weekend than the last.

3. Church was great yesterday, I'm so glad I went. The crying room was the perfect hangout for me. I found that the most comfortable position is leaning over the back of a chair... and that's what I did through most of the service. I got to visit with a sweet young mom who just had her third boy.. and shared with her what a blessing it was in my life to be the mommy of boys. I feel restored and refreshed from having been there...

4. I went to pick up Sarabeth and Jamie from Childrens Church yesterday and felt two sets of arms hugging me while I was signing the girls out... I looked up and it was SB and Jorjann... and JJ said, "Aunt Heather, I've missed you soooo much!"... made my heart melt! I'm starting my week KNOWING that I'm loved.

5. Angie asked me to listen to Jamie's breathing yesterday. Having raised a child with pretty significant asthma and allergy issues (Ryan)... I learned when he absolutely HAD to see a doctor. We spent a lot of time in urgent care... I hated it... but sometimes you just have to. Angie has a lot going on with her job yesterday and today... they're going thru their accreditation process at the college and it's a huge deal. She had to be at the college at 3pm yesterday... but was worried about baby girl. I listened... and looked her over... she had a ring of white around her lips, her chest was crackling... she needed to see a doctor. I told Angie not to listen and pulled Jim aside and said, "she needs to see a doctor today" "can't wait?" "nope... she needs steriods" He took her. She has a touch of pneumonia, oxygen level at 94%... and was prescribed... wait for it... steroids. Jim said, "I'm glad you were there to diagnose her"... yep. Just one of the many services I provide. I'm glad I was there too... and glad she's already one day closer to being better. Poor girl.

6. It's the last day of February. Payday tomorrow. Another month checked off in 2011. My weight has stayed within the same 3 pound window since the end of November... 3 whole months. I could be discouraged that I'm not losing.... but instead... I'm going to just appreciate my maintenance skills. Maybe March will hold some weight loss for me... I'm not giving up, that's for sure. I still track everything I eat.

7. The worst of the weather is supposed to be in our area at exactly 5pm today. It's a fast moving storm so... by the time we leave work at 5:30, we should be ok. I hope. I guess I'm glad that we work later than 5??? Today... maybe...

8. Tomorrow is Austin's 17th birthday. He got a card in the mail this weekend from his grandparents. My dad said it didn't matter what card they bought, he was going to be more interested in what was IN the card. Austin actually DID enjoy the card. He also got a letter in the mail from his other grandmother. She tries... I mean... about once a year or so, he'll get something in the mail from her. The problem... she's a stranger to him. I can't even remember the last time he saw her. Austin, typical of teenagers everywhere, is very into the moment... if you're not IN his life, he doesn't think about you. I hate it for her... but... these are choices she made. I'm glad Austin knows his other grandparents and has a good relationship with them. (although I doubt he bothered to call to thank them for his card & cash)

9. Made a quick grocery run yesterday... didn't get EVERYTHING I needed but I did get some fresh produce and fish so I can eat healthy for the next few days. I'm almost out of coffee filters... so I've got to make another run quickly... but at least we're set for Monday. I have my lunch already ready.

10. I had such a great weekend... dinner with my friend Cyndi on Friday night... a completely restful Saturday... a good time at church... lots of great tv... no stress from Austin. In a way, I feel ten feet tall and bullet proof.... like... I'm ready to take on this week and whatever it has to offer.

Hope you have a wonderful Monday... love and hugs~

With our attention focused on the Oscars today... I thought it was time for me to institute a new tradition on my blog... the Heather Awards...

SO ... put on your best loungewear... grab a big mug of coffee, tea or whatever beverage you enjoy... and enjoy the show.

The first award this year is for BEST SURPRISE... and it goes to ... Purple Michael for showing up at Cody's wedding even though he told me he couldn't come. It was the most emotional moment of the day for me... and I love him for making that happen.

The next award is for BEST EMAIL BUDDY... and it goes to .... my sister-out-law Candice who helps the day pass more quickly... gives the best nutrition advice... lets me live vicariously through her with her fabulous life in New York City. She's been busy lately and hasn't been emailing as much and I miss her!

Next up... the award for BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER... and it goes to my sister-in-law Angie and lifelong friend Mary Brown for giving me my awesome laptop which has been my connection to the outside world, game machine, tv... and has made it possible for me to blog. Runner up for best birthday present EVER goes to Jim and Angie for initial sponsorship of my Weight Watchers membership. It started me back on the road to good health and I am eternally grateful.

The award for MR TOAD'S WILD RIDE... goes to Crunch & Munch for our last lunch date... he drove on the wrong side of the road, shushed me when I tried to give directions and ignored my suggestions for the best place to park at the restaurant where we were going. It will be a long time (aka cold day in hell) before I get in the car with him again. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, I had a good time.

My award for BEST LOCAL FOOD SOURCE goes to Loganberry Heritage Farm. Sunny Saturday mornings spent gnoshing on Nadine's yummy creations... hugs from Rose and Philip... loving the little farm kitty.... lessons from the Herb Lady... great, fresh, organic, wholesome, tasty veggies... all in an absolutely gorgeous setting... it just doesn't get any better than that, folks. http://www.loganberryheritagefarm.com/ <--- check 'em out.

The award for BEST SUPPORT GROUP goes to my Hen Party Chicks from my Wednesday night bible study. They cleaned my house, they have brought me food, furniture, new bedding, new shower curtain, new bath mats... they kept me honest, prayed for me, loved me, befriended me... My life here in the mountains would be very empty without them.

While I'm on that subject... I have to honor Helen First Baptist with the award for MOST CARING CHURCH... not only have they loved my baby girls and my brother and sister-in-law (who are on staff)... but they have loved me and my Austin far beyond what we deserve. We would never get good attendance awards... we're mostly Wednesday night attendees... but they still love us, help us out of jams, check on us, pray for us... Austin has an awesome youth pastor who is mentoring him... I have my Wednesday night Hen Party Chicks... my deacon always asks how we are and offers to help in any way he can. It's more than a church... it's a community, a family.

My next award goes to two precious little girls in my life... the award for BEST MALL BUDDIES goes to Jamie and Sarabeth Gant. These girls love to go to town... they love the escalators... they love shopping for trinkets and treasures... they love Starbucks... the merry go round... I can't imagine a trip to the mall without them.

I would be remiss if I didn't offer up an award for BEST ADOPTED NIECE... this is a tie between Stasha and Jorjann... they both never fail to light up when I come into the room... they always give me hugs... they are as much family to me as the two girls in the picture above. I'm blessed to know them, blessed to have them in my life.

The award for BEST CO-PARENT is also a tie... it goes to Charlie, who has sheltered my oldest son, guided him, helped him learn a trade, taught him to cook and eased my mind about Ryan's transition to adulthood. Charlie has done good and I love him for it. The other winner is the City of Cleveland Police Department... who, on two separate occasions have stepped in and counseled my child when he was gone astray. They've given him a reality check... forced him to surrender his cellphone when he was misusing it and generally just helped set boundaries for a child who doesn't recognize them on his own.

The BEST DAUGHTER-IN-LAW award was an easy choice this year... I know as the years go by and our family grows, I'll have more candidates for this award... however... I still have to acknowledge Marquee for her devotion to my parents, her love for her husband - my sweet son, Cody- for being a great pet parent to my grandfurbabies Sammy and Tommy, for keeping a beautiful home and for sharing her wonderful, loving family with us. We are a better family for having her in our lives and I love her dearly.

Another tie coming up... the award for MOST INSPIRATIONAL SNAIL MAIL goes to My Steel Magnolias - Grandma Leta and her sister, my Great Aunt Bette - and the Great before the word Aunt has a double meaning. Their sweet letters and cards remind me of a time when you had to be more intentional in your communication... when you didn't have the luxury of instant messages and text messages and email. They remind me of the delayed gratification of sending something... knowing your thoughts and encouragement might take awhile to arrive at its destination but with God's grace, it will arrive just in time. I love them. I also have to give the same award to my dear Mr. Drake for his sweet postcards. I love him for thinking of me and taking the time to tell me. I love him for loving a Republican/Libertarian like me despite his Democratic leanings. He is a treasure to me.

The award for BEST PHONE CALLS goes to my friend Greg - the one who prefers not to have a nickname although my temptation is to refer to him as "the Phone Guy" for our marathon phone conversations. He's brash and harsh and to the point but he's a precious soul and I appreciate the fact that he holds a mirror up before me and forces me to look at life with more honesty. He also is a treasure to me.

Holidays are always difficult for me but after this year, I have changed my perspective on Christmas. The award for BEST SCROOGE ERASER goes to my sister-in-law Angie for including me in their family Christmas celebration... and making me more than just a guest... she made me a part of things. For the first time in as long as I can remember... I looked forward to Christmas morning... i had presents to open, a stocking hung for me, I got to witness the excitement of children anticipating a visit from Santa... and I got to play Santa for the first time in many years. I realized that Christmas doesn't have to be a lonely time for single - almost empty nesters. It was a huge blessing to me.

The award for BEST EXTENDED FAMILY member goes to my Cousin Melissa. She's a bit eccentric but she's sweet, loving, devoted, funny... she helps me know more about my family and she writes the BEST emails.

My BEST MOTHER HEN award goes to Linda, a blog reader from Virginia who has adopted me. She gives advice in a kind but loving way. She really cares... and I appreciate her more than she knows.

BEST REASON TO BLOG goes to Patty in California who shared her story of meeting her soulmate and love of her life... after being encouraged and inspired by ME, of all people! Can you imagine? Someone like me... who can't seem to get a relationship right... encourages someone to go forward in a relationship that she might otherwise have missed. I love Patty, I appreciate her story and I'm so grateful that she has made me - and my blog - a part of her life.

BEST THELMA to my LOUISE goes to my friend Jen in California. She has stood up for herself this past year... made difficult, heart breaking changes in her life and has had courage that few women are able to find. She has drawn closer to the Lord and found strength through her local church. I'm so proud of her that I could just BURST!

MOST COURAGE IN THE FACE OF FEAR goes to Linda... she's battling breast cancer... http://adirondackcountrygal.blogspot.com/ <--- this is her main blog and she has another about her battle with breast cancer - I can't find the link to it. But she has been SOOOO strong and so upbeat about a very scary diagnosis. Linda, I'm praying... and I know that God has a plan for you. I can't wait to watch it.

BEST MINISTRY goes to the Catalyst Christian Learning Center ... where Austin goes for one class period a day... off campus... for bible based instruction, encouragement and fellowship. It is changing his life and therefore changing mine. I'm so proud of my friend Natalie and her leadership of this amazing ministry. Here's a link to an article in the Christian Index from a few years ago... http://www.christianindex.org/4111.article about the learning center.

BEST FITNESS INSPIRATION goes to my friend Melissa at http://melissahuray.blogspot.com/ ... she is an amazing lady who battled her way back from alcoholism... met and married her soulmate... lost a lot of weight in a very healthy way... and has maintained a healthy lifestyle through diet and exercise. She is a beautiful lady and I'm so proud to call her my friend.

BEST DISAPPEARING ACT goes to The Next Guy... who went from "you'll never be alone again" to ... nothing... in a very, very short time. I guess I'll never know what happened with him... and I guess, in the big picture, it doesn't really matter... but he was the first in a series of guys who made me realize that I'm not ready for the dating game.... and not long after him came... a guy who I don't think even got a nickname, he was here and gone so quickly... he gets an honorable mention for his "there was no magic for me" text after one brief encounter. He sealed the deal for me... no more online dating for this girl. EVER. It made me realize how true the statement "I'm single by choice... they're single for a reason"... really is.

The award for BEST AUNT EVER (besides me) goes to sweet Mandy Cody... "Aunt Mimi".. my sister in law Angie's little sister... who is as much as sister to ME, that I forget that we're not really related... and the only person on earth who understands my deep love and devotion to Sarabeth and Jamie. We are forever bonded by our mutual love for these girls... and I take great comfort in knowing that whatever shortcomings I may have as an aunt are compensated for by their wonderful Aunt Mimi. Also winning this award is my Aunt Ginger who taught me what an aunt should be... she always had dolls for me to play with... let me spend the night with her... gave me so much quality time and was a very present part of my life growing up. I grieve for the nieces and nephews that I'm not able to see because I know that I could enrich their lives in the same way Aunt Ginger did mine... but I'm grateful for the opportunity to love Sarabeth and Jamie (and Stasha and Jorjann) and be a part of their lives.

Well... time is fleeting... there are another dozen awards I could give... and I might just come back later and do so... but now I have to shower and get ready for church. I was glad when they said unto me... let us go into the house of the Lord. I'm gonna sneak into the crying room after the service starts... but I'll still get to see everyone after church, especially my baby girls. Thanks for reading my blog, y'all... I love you all, even the mean ones... because you give me an outlet for the things I rarely get to say in real life... have a great Sunday!

saturday confessions...

True Confessions... I made an apple cobbler today with 3/4 a stick of butter, white flour, a cup of sugar, whole milk, caramel apple pie filling... it was good... but it was SOOOO bad!

Here's the recipe, in case you want to be bad too:

preheat oven to 400 degrees

put butter in a casserole dish and slip it in the oven while it's heating

when the butter is melted... add a can of pie filling or canned fruit (peaches work great)...

mix one cup of flour, one cup of sugar and one cup of milk...

pour this over the fruit/butter

cook for 30 minutes or until browned...

To balance the bad... I made an awesome pasta primavera for dinner (and for lunches next week)...

I used two zucchini, diced... one red bell pepper... about two cups of shredded cabbage... fresh garlic... and a can of spaghetti sauce... over whole wheat rotini. I added my favorite large shred parmesan... really good stuff.


I moved more today than I meant to. I cleaned out the fridge and (without thinking) pulled the trash bag out of the trash can. This pinched something in my upper back and my right shoulder and right arm are *jacked up*... all that cooking didn't help but I needed to do it. Well, I needed to do the pasta. The cobbler was a brief moment of rebellion.


I also danced a little today. I couldn't help myself. I watched the Michael Jackson documentary, "This Is It" and I had to dance along. In a way... it felt good to move... and then... it didn't feel good.

I just watched the latest episode of Heavy. My friend Stacia (that I know from theatre) is on one of the upcoming episodes - I think it's week after next. I like this show SOOOO much better than The Biggest Loser. I was invited to a preview of her episode last fall and didn't go. I wish I had... anyways... woulda/coulda/shoulda...

I also watched the movie, "Why Did I Get Married" by Tyler Perry today. I really enjoyed it. It was a compelling story... and my friend Jamie had a bit part (the gay guy on the train with the little dog)... so that was fun, seeing him. He is also on the show "House of Payne" from time to time as the Richard Simmons-esque fitness instructor. Jamie grew up with Purple Michael - they went to High School together. Every time I see Jamie playing something NOT straight... I wonder if he's drawing on his time with Michael. It was Jamie's apartment where I welcomed in 2005 with Purple Michael - we were housesitting while Jamie and his wife Amy were on vacation. New Year's Eve PM and I munched until we burst... and the next day I started the initial weight loss process... that was so successful for me. I'll never forget that late night out by the fire on the patio with PM... just enjoying my time with him and finding my inspiration. My niece Jamie had been born two days prior and it was ironic ... celebrating Jamie at Jamie's apartment.

Now I'm watching reruns of Sex and the City. I have the entire series on DVD but I can't find it. I'm watching the PG version on E!. There are so many great quotes in that show... they really make you think... at least, it makes me think. I also saw Sarah Jessica Parker in the movie, "Did You Hear About The Morgans" last week. We have a year long preview of the Starz channels on our satellite so, for once in my life, I'm watching movies that are newer than 40 years old. I still prefer the older ones, though.

I'm so excited about the Oscars tomorrow! Not the show itself... I don't think I've seen ANY of the nominated films... but I love the red carpet. It's like living fashion history... just think... 40 years from now I'll be able to tell my grandchildren... "I remember when Natalie Portman wore the most fabulous maternity gown on the red carpet". Of course... my grandchildren will probably all be boys and not care. The best red carpet EVER in my life was one year when I watched with Purple Michael and Barry together... I got the best fashion review possible short of hanging out with Joan Rivers... and I got the manly man's views of babes in ballgowns from Bear. It was an awesome time for me.

I'd love to put together a Royal Wedding Watching party on my birthday... I've already scheduled the day off... I mean, how often do you have the opportunity to watch a royal wedding ON your birthday? It's the only time ever in my life... like a full lunar eclipse or something... but... my house isn't really set up for a tv watching party since the tvs are in the bedrooms and there's not one in the living room. I'll have to work on that a bit... two months to go. I'll be 68 on Will and Kate's 25th anniversary!

My parents are about to celebrate their 45th anniversary. I started dating Michael right after their 40th... which was also the last time that our family was all together. Sad, isn't it? My brother David has mostly disowned us all. He didn't come around for Thanksgiving, Christmas... or during the times my mom was in the hospital last year. I'm used to it... but it still hurts. I guess it always will... it's hard when you grieve someone who is still alive. I used to have a brother that was also my good friend. I miss him. I still have Bubba... and he makes up for a lot... and Bryan from time to time... but Michael and David are really not a part of my life. (My brother Michael, I mean). Anyways... I guess you can look at it as the blessing of having a big family is that you always have spares when some of them isolate themselves from you... and... the blessing of having friends who are closer than family is that you always know you're loved. And I do.

I absolutely HAVE to go to church tomorrow, so that i can retrieve Austin. I'll have to sit/stand in the back... but I'm glad to go. I miss it. We have a great church family. And they are... family.

So I absolutely HAVE to get a good night's sleep tonight which means I have to get this new pinching pain under control so that I can sleep. Vicious cycle. Although... there are many who live with much worse pain and they make it. I can too. I'm tough like that...

My friend Greg (some of y'all have checked out his blog)... always says that he's rough around the edges but soft inside... and I say that I'm soft on the outside but inside I'm tough as nails. Like a Steel Magnolia in training. This thing scored a blow to my tender outer core but now it's lasted long enough that it's boring into my core... and once it reaches the heart of who I am, it won't win... I can do this.

So that's the haps here on a quiet Saturday night. Love and hugs, y'all.

it's a good day to be me

Sometimes I think it's obvious that we're undergoing spiritual warfare. I mean... I definitely believe there are forces we can't see that impact our world. I believe in God... and I believe in an "anti-God"... and... there are times that I am overwhelmed by the realization that Satan really does act as a prowling lion seeking whom he may destroy.

Austin really needed this Disciple Now weekend. It's something he looks forward to doing every year. It's a great time of Christian teaching and fellowship. He can be influenced by some really awesome people in our church and the other churches in our community. He wants to go... therefore... I do everything in my power to get him there.

Yesterday that meant leaving work early... so that I could get him packed, pick up his snacks to take, feed him and get him to the host church.

Sooooo... I pack things up at the office and get ready to go home... head to my car and... drop half the mail that I was taking to the post office... it blows under my car... I'm doing all these (painful) yoga positions to retrieve the mail.

I get in the car and realize that I've somehow broken my sunglasses. Nice. I usually can keep the same pair of sunglasses for a year or more... but this pair didn't make it that long.

I put the key in the ignition and turn the key and... nothing. I try again. Nothing. Ugh. I jiggle it. Pick up the phone and begin to contemplate the logistics of getting my car situation taken care of while simultaneously working out the logistics of getting Austin to his retreat. I took a deep breath and thought... "no... this cannot be happening NOW"... and I turn the key again... and it works.

Something happened with the battery because the radio stations are no longer programmed and the clock has restarted. That's ok... I'm thinking "I'll deal with that later"...

I run my post work errands... bank, post office... and I head home. I was praying out loud... thanking God that the car started and asking for his protection as I was driving... there's a sharp curve on the road I was taking out of Demorest... a ninety degree turn, I was driving into the sun so I was driving slower than usual... and it was a good thing because in an instant... there was a car coming straight at me, on my side of the road... there was an embankment beside me, nowhere for me to go... I pulled as far to the right as I could and stopped quickly but I knew it wasn't far enough and I braced myself for impact... the other car (it was a Ford Ranger truck, I think) felt like it came right through me. I can't tell you how we didn't hit... I felt him brush by me on the drivers side and it seemed impossible that he didn't hit me. I could have sworn that a split second earlier the grill of his truck was at the front of my hood. He stopped... pulled over... looked back at me. I think he thought he hit me... but somehow... he didn't. I waved. Not the middle finger wave... just a quick acknowledgement that I was ok. I pulled away... sobbing... scared to death but also VERY aware of the forces that were trying to prevent me from getting home and from getting Austin to his retreat. I cried the whole way home.

Austin wasn't terribly impressed. He was angry because he wasn't getting his cellphone back yesterday. I considered it. I might have. But Jim has the phone and he wasn't going to be there. And... ultimately... I think it's better that Austin focus this weekend and not be distracted by the phone. I acknowledged that... other than the two nights he was out late and I had to track him down... he had done a good job of keeping up his chores over the past week.

He was excited about Disciple Now, though... and delighted to get to spend the weekend with Logan. I was excited because I got to see some of my chicks that I've been missing and my buddy Cyndi came over and gnoshed with me for a little while... while my friend Angie watched the only one of Cyndi's kids that wasn't at D-Now.... so I was un-hermited for a little while.

Today, however, I plan to hole up in my nest and be a complete, unapologetic slug. I don't have to worry about where Austin is or what he's doing. I don't have to worry about trying to sit for 8 hours in agony. I don't have to worry about cleaning the kitchen since Austin took care of that yesterday. The pile of clean laundry can wait. I've got plenty to eat... I can relax. I'm going to live the life of Stubby today.

I am still on my weigh in embargo. I still weigh every day and I am exactly the same. No gain. I'm still tracking everything I eat... so basically, you could say that I'm doing the Weight Watchers Online program right now and not doing the meetings. I can't sit in those uncomfortable metal folding chairs ... my weight isn't going to go down as long as I'm on these meds... so there's no point in going. I'm not giving up... I'm still hunkered down, I'm still fighting... I'm not going to get lazy about it... if anything, I've got to work harder. BUT... I'm not going to set myself up for disappointment and discouragement either. There are times that just holding on to where you are is success. I'm embracing that success.

It's a good day to be me. I'm blessed. I'm grateful for the instruction, fellowship and guidance that Austin is getting this weekend. I'm grateful for the life we have here. I am relieved that I'm getting the MRI done next week. Part of the stress of the back pain is in the unknown... not really knowing how far to push myself, whether or not I'm doing more harm than good. In the absence of information, I have a bad habit of making stuff up... allowing myself to believe the worst. If I can have all the facts... whatever it is... I'll be able to deal with it.

It's gonna be a beautiful weekend here in the mountains... some of you Suburb Sallys need to come up here and enjoy it.

You'll find me here... in my nest... loving life. Have a good one, y'all!~