My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

thankful for Hope. Capital H.

Thankful today that Thursday has come quickly this week. I hate to wish my life away but every day gets me closer to an answer/resolution to this pain I've lived with for seven weeks.

I have a new appreciation for people who live with chronic pain. It is either a character building experience or a character wrecking experience. I pray that I am the former.

I got another letter from my grandmother this week and that really boosted my resolve. She sees me as a strong woman of faith who handles the challenges set before her. I am determined to prove her right.

I don't feel particularly strong... I just keep getting up in the morning and... most days... doing the best I can at the things I need to do... and I keep praying that my feeble efforts are enough.

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Sometimes... just being present in this life is what we're called today. I'd rather be ten feet tall and bullet proof but I'll settle for 5'2 and wrapped in the bubble wrap of prayers of righteous people... effective and fervent prayer.

Truly... I am carried on the wings of prayer. People tell me they're praying for me... and I realize that means different things to different people. I respect them all. For some... "I'm praying for you" is just a greeting like, "How are you?"... for others... prayer comes in a blanket wish offered heavenward... "God bless all my friends and family"... and others truly implore their Creator on your behalf. I've been all three at different times and I know that God honors the intent of the heart but... how precious are those who truly humble themselves before a God they genuinely believe in... believing that not only CAN He change the situation, but based upon their petitions before Him, He WILL change it.

And I'll say it again for the non-believers... if I get to the end of my life and find that all this God stuff was just a wish... then I will have still enjoyed a much richer life by believing and surrounding myself with others who have a similar Hope. Capital H. For that is what He is to me. Hope.

I got my hair cut yesterday. Chin length. Photos ... soon. I love it!

I even got my eyebrows waxed so ... I don't look like a muppet with a unibrow.

New uses for my digital camera: my sister in law Angie needed to see something on her back yesterday so I took a picture and showed her.

The funny thing was... we were at church... in the fellowship hall... and I was digging up underneath of her shirt. I know people are thinking, "what are those Gant Girls doing?" teehee.

Red Flag Guy got me a magazine subscription to Mother Earth News. It's about gardening. I almost bought myself a copy the other day... so I was really touched that he did that.

I haven't talked to him since he got serious with someone. Just figured it was for the best that I leave him be.

Plus... I mean... I just haven't felt all chatty and stuff. Not even with guys who are available and actually interested in me. Not that there are many of those. Not that I particularly care at the moment. The only guy I'm interested in is the one who can take away my pain. Other than that... eh. Right now, all my energy is focused on survival. I don't have the strength to entertain folks.

Sarabeth and Jamie both approved of my haircut. Sarabeth said, "now we look just alike!"

I love my girls.

While I was waiting in line for dinner at church, she stood with me and intertwined her fingers in mine. There are times that I feel like those two girls are my best friends. They truly offer me unconditional love.... angels on earth, they are.

She even made an effort to speak up and respond to the ladies who were serving dinner. It's so hard for Sarabeth to get past her shyness... and, just like with her daddy when he was a child, I want to speak for her when she doesn't feel confident to do so... but in doing so... I make it harder for her to learn it's not *that bad* to speak up for yourself. I so very much want her to find her voice... she has so many wonderful thoughts, ideas, feelings... bubbling up inside her... I want her world to hear how amazing she really is, the way that I do.

I made it through about half of bible study last night. I wanted to stay... Beth Moore is just so awesome... I could listen to her talk for days...

I left when I lost feeling in my left foot. I tried standing but ... even then... I was in a lot of pain. My pain changes based on my position. When I'm sitting up straight, it feels like my vertebrae are collapsing on each other... and if I could just get my shoulders lifted high enough, then I could fix it but then I get muscle spasms in my upper back. If I lean over to give my upper back a rest, the lower back feels like it could burst thru my skin. If I'm standing... or walking... I feel pain in my hip and rear end. If I sit too long, I lose feeling in my left leg and foot. Other times, I have muscle spasms that hit from mid back down through my rear... painful muscle spasms. There is no comfortable position but the least painful is reclined...

From the "it's a small world" file... there was a new lady in bible study last night... and ironically... her daughter went to high school with me. The ironic thing is that my high school is an hour and a half away from where i live now and... i mean, come on... I graduated from high school 25 years ago. It's not like it was down the street five years ago. She was a really sweet lady and I hope she'll come back. Our class is growing... from a core group of four... last night we had seven...

I'm doing good with my effort to send more snail mail... I sent three cards out on Tuesday and I sent three letters out yesterday. Ok. One of those was the tag renewal that my dad pays for... but still... I wrote another long letter to my Steel Magnolias. Such an easy thing... I type fast and compose letters quickly... and it brings joy to them. Why not write?

I made my coffee last night... fixed the coffee pot so all I had to do was flip the switch. Thursday morning Heather was grateful for Wednesday Night Heather's foresight.

I'm worried about fixing my hair today... adjusting to the new, shorter cut.

This morning I'm really dizzy... I think it's side effects from the neurontin. I hate this feeling.

I can't help but wonder, though, if God is preparing me for something. I have the feeling of being on the precipice of a different season in life. Ever get that feeling? Like an expectant mother in her ninth month... I just have a sense that something is about to change.

At any rate... I am blessed, loved, treasured... I have great faith in a God who loves me and has plans for my life... I have incredible friends and family and I know that all things in my life can be used for my good and God's glory if I just allow it.

Hope you are feeling Hope this morning too. Love and hugs!


Adirondackcountrygal said...

I find you inspirational. I am such a wimp and crybaby when it comes to being in pain. I really hope you get some relief soon. God bless you

Tawnya said...

Hope is an amazing thing. I have been filled with hope (these days) and I have been without any hope. I prefer being filled with hope. Hope you get some answers soon. The strong people always keep moving even if in pain. You are strong.